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-   -   Worst things said to you during or after your loss (http://www.mothering.com/forum/22-pregnancy-birth-loss/1345629-worst-things-said-you-during-after-your-loss.html)

M Anna 02-18-2012 08:52 PM

1. "God could have healed or saved Innocent...but he didn't."

 

2. "When I'm up at 4 AM nursing my newborn I'll think of you." (This after a post in which I said I hated nights because I would wake up at 4 AM and cry for my babies.)

 

3. "Why did you get pregnant anyway? Were you lonely and just wanted something to cuddle?"

 

These are the ones that stick in my mind anyway.


thecoffeebean 02-18-2012 09:00 PM

"At least you lost the baby early, instead of later in your pregnancy." Said to me by a 5-months pregnant person. All I heard was, "I'm glad you lost the baby."

MAnna, anyone who would say #3 to you is a person who is gravely lacking in empathy. I cannot believe that someone actually said that to a grieving woman. I'm sorry you had to experience that, on top of your very painful loss.

M Anna 02-18-2012 09:02 PM

Coffee: Ouch. That stings.  Re: my #3 comment, I'll give you three guesses who said it to me.


thecoffeebean 02-18-2012 09:05 PM

Ooooh, I like guessing.
1. Your mom
2. Your sister
3. Another asshat relative

diana_of_the_dunes 02-18-2012 09:06 PM

Quoting myself from another thread:

 

Quote:
The worst one for me was a guy at work who said that they "should duct tape your legs together so that you quit getting knocked up."  Thankfully, I work in an environment where "F you" is a completely reasonable and appropriate response, so that was exactly what I got to say.

 

Another one is, "God needed your baby more than you did."  Really?  So God originally thought I needed a baby, and allowed me to get pregnant, trusting me with one perfect soul made in His image.  Then He just randomly changed His mind?  Sorry, not buying it.

 

Or, "At least you know you can get pregnant.  You can always try again."  Babies aren't like video games, where if you lose one you just hit "reset" and start over.


diana_of_the_dunes 02-18-2012 09:07 PM

I'm seconding coffee's guess of your mom for #3.


M Anna 02-18-2012 09:31 PM

Yup. You're both right. Can you imagine? I got that in an email 1 week after we found out he'd died and while I was still carrying him. Unbelievable.

 

(My sister was responsible for #1.)

 

Diana, that guy wouldn't have been able to walk when I was done with him. And that whole "God needed your baby more than you did" mess - God doesn't NEED anyone! He loves us instead. Ick.


philomom 02-18-2012 11:13 PM

Number one.. "it was god's will".

My hubby and I are atheists.

Number two... "you can have more... you are young and healthy"

Uh, one kid never replaces another.

Number three... "he probably would have been retarded if he was born alive"

Fists clenching for the kill.

Number four... "bad times were given to us so we'd know what good times were"

Sigh, I think I could have done without the dark, depression of loss for contrast, thanks.

JelloPanda 02-19-2012 01:16 AM

"It's probably for the best - you're too young."  - Said to me by my OBGYN.

"God always has a reason! This just wasn't meant to be."

 

"Miscarriages happen because there was something wrong with the baby - you wouldn't want a handicapped baby, anyways."   - Attending ER doc, during threatened m/c with my first pregnancy. 


M Anna 02-19-2012 07:03 AM

UGHHH!!! I didn't need to lose two sons to realize how happy I had been to be pregnant with them!! What a seriously dumb thing to say.


Lisanne 02-19-2012 10:41 AM

I was told that my daughter needed more time to be the baby and it was good we wouldn't have one so close.

 

She was almost 2 at the time and they would have been 29 months apart. My first 2 are  27 months apart and are so close and I love it.


Imakcerka 02-19-2012 11:42 AM

How bout this is my birth month and I'm kind of down about all the babies being born right now.  I was asked "why haven't you gotten over it yet?"  And then told "just get pregnant again if it's such a big deal"

 

F those people that say stupid crap.  Oh and the "friends" that are still asking me through FB "did you have your baby yet?" 


M Anna 02-19-2012 11:43 AM

Lisanne, that's insane. Mine are #1 (19 mos) #2 (14 mos) #3 (18 mos) #4 (3 1/2 years) #5 (now two losses and he's five). I called #2 and #3 twins the hard way but I wouldn't have changed it!


Tenk 02-19-2012 01:24 PM



Quote:
Originally Posted by thecoffeebean View Post

Ooooh, I like guessing.
1. Your mom
2. Your sister
3. Another asshat relative

This made me LAUGH OUT LOUD

 

My FIL said to me on Saturday evening (January 21st) after Oliver was delivered on Wednesday midnight (January 18th) .... T why don't you make dinner ( Oh, IL's had come down to stay with our children while we were at the hospital ) and I responded with, "Um I think the person who just had surgery is exempt from making dinner for 10 people".  He then said, How long you gonna milk that shit?  I do KNOW he was not trying to be hurtful but it so was.

 

The stupid people that say "it was meant to be" or any of the other comments you guys have mentioned (I've probably heard them ALL just piss me off.  I don't think my mom said any of them but my step-mom said a lot of them.  I just can't imagine it being said to them if they had lost a child.

 

I think my favorite was ... text message to DH's phone 2 days after Oliver was delivered. IL's at my house from Cincinnati OH to help with older kids.

 

SIL: Hey, how's it going? Can you show mom and dad these pictures of our house, it has walls and everything now ...so exciting!!!

 

Me (from DH's phone): We are NOT doing great, our son just died and my wife is in lots of pain.  Sure I'll show them your pictures though.

 

SIL: Yeah, we've been thinking about you, hope T gets some relief soon.  (BTW she never called/texted/emailed/FB'd/wrote anything expressing her sympathy to me!)

 

Me (from DH's phone): Well, if you keep thinking about US then maybe you could wait until they come home in 2 days and show them yourself?!

 

SIL has not called or texted since then to see how either of us are doing and MIL didn't speak to us for almost 3 weeks after this happened......OH but I did get an invitation to SIL's baby shower since she's due the same day Oliver was due.  How f***ing sweet of her !!!


M Anna 02-19-2012 01:28 PM

Gee, Tenk, are you sure your FIL wasn't trying to be hurtful? That sounds pretty darn hurtful to me! Sheesh! Yes, I heard all of the "It was meant to be, God has a plan, It was God's will, There was probably something wrong with the baby anyway..." junk myself. In fact, I looked at a list of "Things Not To Say" and I heard every single one of them. It was almost funny, but not.


Wendlynnn 02-19-2012 09:06 PM

From my bf after my 3rd loss : are you sure you were pregnant?

My 2nd & 3rd losses were early 5 1/2 weeks & 6 weeks. Um yeah how stupid am I? I guess not getting my period, charting and a positive pg test are pretty inconclusive. I think she might have also suggested that maybe it's better not to to test early b/c then it's not like a loss or something. It's Beene a loooong time since she said it but I'm still shocked and hurt. We were pg with our 1sts together and she had her 2nd during all my losses.

lollie2357 02-20-2012 05:13 PM

I was pretty lucky that no one ever said really awful things to me.  The hardest thing were just when people seemed to forget what we had been through and what we lost with casual comments like, "you should have another!" or "you really ought to have a boy!"

 

My sister said to me, "a friend of mine lost a baby, but she was much farther along and it was really hard..." guilty.gif I pretty much missed the rest of the story because I was wondering what she thought my loss was (easy?).  

 

Mostly, people just forget, and that's hard.  


foxadillo 02-20-2012 09:07 PM

The only bad comment I received was from my best friend and I KNOW she didnt mean to be hurtful, but my eyes went wide and I thought, "Did she really just say that?"

 

She said, "Well, now we can be pregnant together!" That was in January. I was due in August. She was planning on TTC her first in Feb. Umm... first off, chances are if I hadn't miscarried we WOULD have been pregnant together unless it took her 6 months to concieve... Second, I'd rather have my baby than be step-by-step pregnant with her even if she is my best friend. And lastly, we still may not be pregnant together!


Milk8shake 02-21-2012 02:51 AM

My first loss.  I laboured the whole way to the hospital, and my water broke when we were about 2-3 minutes away.  We arrive at the ER and my bottoms are soaked in blood.  I was in shock, and still didn't "realise" what was happening.  DP stays at reception to sign some forms, and a nurse takes me to a cubicle.  I'm getting undressed to change into a gown, and when I drop my pants, I feel my baby "plop" into my undies, which are around my ankles. 

 

I almost collapse, and say to the nurse: "I can't look".  She says: "What?  Why?".

I stand there while she takes my pants off and puts baby and my undies in a kidney dish.

I'm now in a gown, and she tells me to get into bed.  I try, but I'm sobbing, so I just lean against the bed.  She snarls: "What are you CRYING for?!"

I get in the bed. 

 

Effing bitch.  If DP had have been there, instead of at reception, I'm certain he would have knocked her out. 

 

Oh, and later, she asks if I want to keep the undies.  A real charmer. 


diana_of_the_dunes 02-21-2012 06:27 AM

Milk - I remember you telling that story a while back...  How horrible that someone like that would be in the business of caring for others.  I'm so sorry she said that to you.  hug2.gif


M Anna 02-21-2012 08:54 AM

Milk, I remember that story. :( I was so horrified when I read it. I so wish I could take that memory away for you and replace it with something better. (((hugs)))

 

foxadillo: I can see how your friend just didn't realize how it would sound, but that sure would sting.

 

lollie: ouch. I have gotten that a few times too, people thinking that number of weeks = amount of appropriate grief. Obviously people who haven't been through it.


Milk8shake 02-21-2012 02:07 PM

I'm mainly just sorry that I was so damned vulnerable at the time that I didn't just knock her out myself!  orngtongue.gif

 


diana_of_the_dunes 02-21-2012 02:35 PM

milk - I hate that...  I've had a couple of shitty medical experiences where, if I'd had myself a bit more together, I'd have given someone a piece of my mind.  But at the time, I'm so focused on myself that I just let it go.  There was a nurse or receptionist at my first OBs office that I called afterwards and complained on.  I told the lady on the phone that I was having a miscarriage, and I needed to know how to know if I was bleeding too much.  Her response, "Let me pull your chart, and we'll call you back." An hour later I called again to say the same thing.  "Oh, let me have a nurse call you back in a minute."  THREE HOURS later, DH called and yelled at them, got someone on the phone who had a shred of sense, and was told, "Well, if you think you're bleeding too much, go to the ER."  Really?  You couldn't have said that the first time?  Maybe I wouldn't have lost 2 units of blood if you'd said that before!  Needless to say I never went back there, and they knew why.

 

And people wonder why we don't trust the medical profession?  Maybe Nurse Asshat should go work for your doctor...


Milk8shake 02-21-2012 02:43 PM



Quote:
Originally Posted by diana_of_the_dunes View Post
Maybe Nurse Asshat should go work for your doctor...


Truer words were never spoken!!  Seriously Diana, I'm so tired of the medical profession and it's array of asshats, that I've been seriously thinking of going to uni to study medicine or nursing.  It could make such a difference to women like us to have actual humans with feelings in those jobs. 

 

Oh, now this is just making me mad..


diana_of_the_dunes 02-21-2012 02:57 PM

Yeah, I think you've had a lot more dealings with asshats than most of us.  But at the same time, I'm sort of relieved it isn't just doctors in the US.  I dunno if they just get that "M.D." after their name and assume that nobody else might possibly know something about their own body, or what.

 

I'd better shut up.  I can't be helping your pissed-off-ed-ness...


Milk8shake 02-21-2012 03:02 PM

Hahahah.  We have our fair share of asshats Downunder, don't worry.

I've come so far in the last few months, but when I look back, I really can't help but get mad.  There really is no excuse for the way they carry on.  I must be getting ballsier, because I was pretty rude to Dr Asshat and Junior Dr the other day! 

 

But yeah, we should shut up and un-hijack this thread...


diana_of_the_dunes 02-21-2012 03:54 PM

Yeah, I'm a total thread hijacker lately...    shutup.gif


Soul-O 02-22-2012 08:10 PM

OK.. at least I'm starting this post with a case of the giggles at all of the asshat comments.  I think that Army medicine attracts a serious number of both complete doofuses and total asshats, so I generally assume that either one or the other will treat me at any given time.  However, there are a fair number of totally awesome older MDs who have seen it all and are super laid back yet responsive, so with any luck, one of those docs will be at my next delivery.

 

Moving on..

 

I had an ER doc tell me "it must be sad to want something when you can't have it" when I was experiencing my first in a series of three back to back miscarriages.  The phrasing was so weird, almost like he was comparing my loss to not getting that Coach bag I wanted for Christmas!  The same MD went on to tell me that I should consider having my tubes tied because "35 is pretty old to conceive, and you'll probably have a baby with chromosomal abnormalities anyhow.  With all of these miscarriages, your chances are slim.  I'd cut my losses if I were you."  Well, I went on to have a perfectly healthy 8 lb 2 oz baby boy about 16 months later, so I guess 36 wasn't too old to have a baby without chromosomal issues .  The OB who gave me the results of the pathology report from my most recent loss wouldn't allow me to have a copy of the baby's ultrasound picture (taken prior to her demise) because, "we need a complete chart, and besides, why do you want something so morbid?  Are you sure you should be having more kids?  I think you might need to be seen over at Behavioral Health.  Here, I'll write you a referral, and how about some Zoloft?".  All this because I wanted to have a lasting reminder of the little girl I'll never get to take home greensad.gif.


M Anna 02-22-2012 08:16 PM

Oh my gosh!!! What ROCK do they pull these doctors out from under?!?!?! Did you ever get the ultrasound? (please tell me yes) I am glad you had your beautiful baby and proved him wrong.


countrygirl28 02-22-2012 10:30 PM

Hi ladies.  I hope you don't mind my replying to this thread.  The title caught my eye and the responses have been pretty interesting.  

 

First, just wanna say, not all us docs are asshats, I swear!  Some, certainly.  Majority, probably.  But there are some of us who truly care and think before we speak. smile.gif

 

Second, I am fortunate to have never experienced my own loss, but my brother lost his daughter at five months of life in a tragic accident.  My other brother said to him, "God must have saved her from something really bad."  The brother who lost the daughter didn't seem terribly upset by this statement, but I think it was one of those instances in which he was so numb from grief he couldn't really react.  I, however, was livid.  I mean, my niece was healthy, happy, and a perfect baby in every way.  She died in a tragic accident!  WTF was God saving her from because to me dying at 5 months of age is pretty bad!  I told him he was being insensitive and he should never say that to someone who just lost a baby.  It's been three years since the incident, and it still makes me so angry when I think about it.  Probably doesn't help that this particular brother and I have never really gotten along anyway.  He's such an asshat!  orngtongue.gif



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