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need advice re: sensitive questions

627 views 13 replies 9 participants last post by  Milk8shake 
#1 ·
my sister had a late loss earlier this year. it was devastating of course. i had given her some of my baby stuff for her son but obviously she didn't get a chance to use it. the loss was a kidney condition that was likely genetic, so i'm not sure they're going to try again. is there a compassionate way to find out? i don't want to be insensitive, but i have someone else that might be interested in buying my stuff - young first time mom - so i'd like to share it with the young mom IF sis is not going to try again. only if she's not going to try though, since my priority will always be my future niece or nephews. i don't want to hurt sis's feelings but i want to help young mom. help, what do i say? or do i just leave it until sis brings it up?
 
#2 ·
I would not try to get the baby stuff back. I understand you want to help the young mom but you just can't ask your sister for it back. I am afraid that would just add insult to injury. When she is ready your sister may talk to you about it or even give the stuff back unprompted. If I was your sister and you asked me I would probably answer with a F U B*%ch
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and not talk to you for a long time. But hey maybe your sister is nicer than me
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. Preserve the relationship with sis and don't bring this up.

Ladies any other opinions?
 
#4 ·
No way. You're well intentioned with the young mama, but please don't ask for the stuff back.
 
#5 ·
Perhaps it may be difficult to understand, but even if they choose never to have further children, some of your items may be "owned" or inextricably linked to the child that they lost. For baby loss mama, she only has her memories, and if those memories are made up of your baby things, then asking for them back would be the ultimate insult.

For example, I brought some swaddling wraps at a baby expo when I was pregnant for the first time. Although I hope to be pregnant again, and have a living child, I'm still not sure if I could ever use those wraps for another baby. Most likely they will stay in my memory box.
 
#7 ·
Don't ask for the items back. They could be some of the only tangible things she will ever have to remember him by. I recently lost my son at full term and my sister is expecting a boy in oct. I gave her things like diapers/pacifiers, but clothes/ shoes I'm having a tough time letting go of. U don't know what certain items mean to her. I'm sure the other mom will get help and u have good intentions.
 
#8 ·
thank you everyone. i will certainly follow your advice. i didn't think the things i lent her would be linked to her son, but you may well be right. she will give them back when she is ready.

i should add, she has a memory box full of her son's things - the little blanket my mom crocheted for him, the outfit that he wore when she held him, etc. the hospital gave her a hand decorated box for that purpose, so i'm glad she has special things from him. i'm not treating her like her son never existed, i always call him by name and wrote his birth day on the calendar so i will never forget to send her a card. he is real, he is my nephew and i love him.
 
#9 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by myk View Post
i always call him by name and wrote his birth day on the calendar so i will never forget to send her a card. he is real, he is my nephew and i love him.
Of course you do, and doing those things will mean the world to her.
 
#11 ·
I have to agree with PP's, I wouldnt ask for the stuff back. What you may do, if you are wanting to find out what her plans are or what is going on is to let her know that at any point in time (now or 5 years from now) that you are willing to go through all of his stuff with her, or sit with her while she does it. I plan to have some of Charlie's stuff sealed into a box at the cleaners (similar to a wedding dress preservation box).

My friend who when through all of Charlie's stuff with me wound up getting a lot of it (and taking some to goodwill for me) because I just couldnt use it (his bed, his changing pad, all that kind of stuff that I knew I wouldnt use for another baby). But I wouldnt go into the situation expecting anything.

You are a good sister for asking first :)
 
#12 ·
well, i thought i'd update. she called me today for my bday, and i asked her how she's doing, what she's up to, etc. she said she had an appointment with Geneticists tomorrow, so i wished her the best on that. she told me she's actively trying for another now, so she'll definitely hang onto everything for the next couple years (i did NOT bring it up) and instead i'll be putting more stuff away for her. just in case. i want so much for her to have another baby. i'm crossing everything.
 
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