The things no one told me about miscarriage. - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#31 of 52 Old 04-04-2013, 05:30 PM
 
Pandme's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 1,164
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm sorry for your loss, Sleepymama. I wish no one had to go through this. I am still having difficulty believing any of this happened. At least the D &C recovery has been easy so far.
Pandme is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#32 of 52 Old 04-05-2013, 05:58 AM
 
Sleepymama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: elsewhere
Posts: 1,431
Mentioned: 49 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 25 Post(s)
I know. I feel like I lost a full month of my life. I was 8 weeks too. I feel like the hormonal fog is lifting and I'm coming out of a dream or something. Are you thinking about trying again? I have so many conflicting feelings about it.

Sleepy mom of two (DS-11, DD-8). 4 lost: 9/2004, 3/2005, 3/2013, 8/2014. BFP! due 6/26/15- maybe ectopic, maybe not viable. Waiting.
Sleepymama is offline  
#33 of 52 Old 04-05-2013, 05:58 AM
 
Sleepymama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: elsewhere
Posts: 1,431
Mentioned: 49 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 25 Post(s)
Ack phone froze double post

Sleepy mom of two (DS-11, DD-8). 4 lost: 9/2004, 3/2005, 3/2013, 8/2014. BFP! due 6/26/15- maybe ectopic, maybe not viable. Waiting.
Sleepymama is offline  
#34 of 52 Old 04-05-2013, 06:46 AM
 
Pandme's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 1,164
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
No, not trying again. This pregnancy was a shock and I was having a hard time trying to see how our family would work with a new baby. I am 39 and I bet the chances of another miscarriage are high and I definitely to not want to have one ever ever again. I am sad that my reproductive life has to end in such a depressing way though. No happy memories here at all.
Pandme is offline  
#35 of 52 Old 04-05-2013, 06:52 AM
 
M Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 2,084
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

hug2.gif
 


Wife to DH for 17 years, homeschooling mom to 3 girls (15, 13, 12), 2 boys (11, 7), and (13 wk mc 4/10/11), (13 week mc 12/12/11). baby girl 10/31/13. (11 wk mc 6/25/14). Waiting to miscarry again, October 2014.
M Anna is offline  
#36 of 52 Old 04-05-2013, 06:56 AM
 
Sleepymama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: elsewhere
Posts: 1,431
Mentioned: 49 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 25 Post(s)
I'm 38. My kids are older too. I know what you're feeling. I'm sorry it had to end that way too greensad.gif

Sleepy mom of two (DS-11, DD-8). 4 lost: 9/2004, 3/2005, 3/2013, 8/2014. BFP! due 6/26/15- maybe ectopic, maybe not viable. Waiting.
Sleepymama is offline  
#37 of 52 Old 06-03-2013, 10:47 AM
 
lovecarrieson's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 53
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

M Anna, thank you for your site. I found it through Google before seeing it here. Looking at the photos of babies who died close in gestational age to mine prepared me for seeing my own baby, a memory I will cherish. Very, very helpful.

 

I guess I'd say the things I didn't know about miscarriage were:

 

  1. That your baby could die inside you and you would never know (fortunately, I happened to learn this 10 weeks before learning of my own baby's death or it would have been even harder).
  2. That, as someone else said, carrying your dead baby inside you is actually more comforting than the emptiness after he's gone.
  3. That you may want to see your baby no matter what the circumstances of your miscarriage, and that even if that freaks out other people it won't necessarily freak you out because it's your baby, your flesh and blood.
  4. That it's not nearly as comforting to hear from women who had a miscarriage after many healthy children when you yourself have no living children. The only stories that comfort me are those very similar to my own--women who had a miscarriage first before going on to have several healthy children.
  5. That it's very easy for people to say the wrong thing (and the right and wrong thing changes by the moment), so you have to be loving and compassionate and easygoing about that--just let go of the annoyance or hurt because others are trying their best.

partners.gif     angel2.gif Peanut, May 2013 (20 weeks)
lovecarrieson is offline  
#38 of 52 Old 06-04-2013, 07:10 PM
 
M Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 2,084
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

lovecarrieson: Big (((hugs))). I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for adding to this thread - those are great additions. I agree that in your deepest grief only the stories that are most similar to yours are the most helpful. (For instance, mine wouldn't have been helpful to you.)
 


Wife to DH for 17 years, homeschooling mom to 3 girls (15, 13, 12), 2 boys (11, 7), and (13 wk mc 4/10/11), (13 week mc 12/12/11). baby girl 10/31/13. (11 wk mc 6/25/14). Waiting to miscarry again, October 2014.
M Anna is offline  
#39 of 52 Old 06-05-2013, 08:55 AM
 
lovecarrieson's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 53
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Thanks, M Anna! The beautiful parts of my experience have been loving my angel baby and feeling the love and support from so many sources, including on this forum. I'm so glad to find like-minded people who have been through this before me.


partners.gif     angel2.gif Peanut, May 2013 (20 weeks)
lovecarrieson is offline  
#40 of 52 Old 06-06-2013, 12:15 AM
 
LLQ1011's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,007
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovecarrieson View Post

M Anna, thank you for your site. I found it through Google before seeing it here. Looking at the photos of babies who died close in gestational age to mine prepared me for seeing my own baby, a memory I will cherish. Very, very helpful.

 

I guess I'd say the things I didn't know about miscarriage were:

 

  1. That your baby could die inside you and you would never know (fortunately, I happened to learn this 10 weeks before learning of my own baby's death or it would have been even harder).
  2. That, as someone else said, carrying your dead baby inside you is actually more comforting than the emptiness after he's gone.
  3. That you may want to see your baby no matter what the circumstances of your miscarriage, and that even if that freaks out other people it won't necessarily freak you out because it's your baby, your flesh and blood.
  4. That it's not nearly as comforting to hear from women who had a miscarriage after many healthy children when you yourself have no living children. The only stories that comfort me are those very similar to my own--women who had a miscarriage first before going on to have several healthy children.
  5. That it's very easy for people to say the wrong thing (and the right and wrong thing changes by the moment), so you have to be loving and compassionate and easygoing about that--just let go of the annoyance or hurt because others are trying their best.

These are really good ones!

 

Also to be prepared for everyone to tell you stories about some distant releative in a far away land who had a heavier than normal period that MUST have been a miscarriage but they do not know the name of the person or really anything about them besides this one fact.

LLQ1011 is offline  
#41 of 52 Old 07-30-2013, 03:26 PM
 
bluelady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My first baby passed away last night. There is a lot that people don't mention when they explain their miscarriage. I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant on Saturday. Took three tests then went to the hospital because I was too anxious to wait for confirmation from my doctor. When he told me I was most certainly carrying, my husband and I were most excited. Then Sunday came and I began to bleed. It's almost like you can tell you are definitely going to miscarry; in your mind you know it is true, just from the first major cramp. Regardless of my intuition we went to the hospital and I spent all day there waiting for some sort of result. During that time they took my blood to check for HcG levels, urinalysis, and sent me in for an ultrasound. There was not much to see besides what looked like a veryy tiny spike in a black mass, but even so, I knew how much I already loved my baby. They finally told me that there was no way for them to know yet and that I needed to come back in two days. "Stay optimistic!"
I got home and was going to go pee, but as soon as I pulled down my pants, that little baby I had just seen on a screen hours ago was on my pad. I didn't know how to react. I just picked up my child and held it crying. There is no way to stop nature. The only thing that has motivated me to get out of bed is knowing that a lot of miscarriages are caused by abnormal fetuses. Your body knows when something is very wrong and will try to help you by disposing of the problem. If my baby wasn't healthy, then I'm glad. I don't want them to suffer. The only thing I can do now is move on and never forget. I hope you find comfort.
bluelady is offline  
#42 of 52 Old 07-30-2013, 05:25 PM
 
Viola's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Nevada
Posts: 22,544
Mentioned: 4 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 9 Post(s)

No one told me I would break out in acne a week or two later.  I wasn't hugely acne prone as a teen, although I had my share of pimples, but I had at least 8 on my face after my miscarriage, probably the most I've ever had at any one time. I guess the hormones work through, or something.

Viola is offline  
#43 of 52 Old 08-11-2013, 09:46 AM
 
smlame's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 100
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by planegreen View Post

Two I have to add are: 

 

1 - Saying the words "dead baby" freaks people out, especially your DH, who may look at you with a combination of horror that you said that and pain that it's true.

 

2 - The ridiculous hoping that happens until your m/c actually completes or your D&C is finished. Miracles can happen, right?  Right but ugh...  

Oh, my YES!  My DH looks at me like I'm being melodramatic or something.  But it is a fact, I carried a dead baby around for two weeks before finally laboring for three days and giving "birth."  It is a death.  Two weeks before that, we had seen a heartbeat on an ultrasound.  It was alive and then it was dead.  Period.  Sorry, can you tell it makes me angry just thinking of how people treat it like it's nothing and like you are the crazy one for saying things like "dead baby."

starsmagick likes this.

Sarah, SAHM to dd C (8-9-07) and C (5-27-10), happily married to DH for 10 years

smlame is offline  
#44 of 52 Old 08-11-2013, 11:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
Shiloh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: listening to kriping churckets
Posts: 6,680
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Its interesting when does baby start to people, when the baby looks more human? Maybe like hormones, grief which all seem to be preprogrammed into moms this weird belief that is too common that unless it looks like a baby its not a baby is ingrained and grief and sympathy are given in proportion to size of baby at death.

8 might be enough
Shiloh is offline  
#45 of 52 Old 08-14-2013, 04:27 PM
 
taichimom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 197
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by LLQ1011 View Post

These are really good ones!

 

Also to be prepared for everyone to tell you stories about some distant releative in a far away land who had a heavier than normal period that MUST have been a miscarriage but they do not know the name of the person or really anything about them besides this one fact.

 

Yeah my MIL made sure to bring that up when I m/c'd the first time- some heavy period she had years ago. She didn't like the focus on my pain and wanted to make sure the attention was re-directed back at her.

 

I guess the biggest thing is the amount of bleeding and clotting, even with a mid 1st-trimester one. My god- I bled AT LEAST five times more  than I did postpartum with my two successful pregnancies. 

taichimom is offline  
#46 of 52 Old 08-27-2013, 03:19 PM
 
mamata4's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 10
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Thank you so much for your site, M Anna.  Thank God I found it through a google search on Sunday as I was miscarrying.  I had no idea that at 12.5 weeks I would have such strong contractions and actually go through labor and delivery of my baby.  I also may not have identified my baby, as it was surrounded by a blood clot, if it had not been for your descriptions and pictures.  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to hold my tiny baby, and be able to have her to bury. 

 

Pandme- I agree about the smell.  After I miscarried in my bathtub on Sunday, I remember thinking how it smelled just like it did at my homebirth three years ago.  It was such an odd thing to think at the time.  And I also feel like I've spent the whole summer processing shocking events.  After getting over the shock of a surprise 4th pregnancy, and getting really excited about it, now I'm dealing with a far worse shock.  I'm devastated that this will probably be the way I end my reproductive life. 

mamata4 is offline  
#47 of 52 Old 08-27-2013, 03:38 PM
 
M Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 2,084
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

mamata4, I'm so sorry for your loss. :( I'm glad that you were able to find and hold your baby. I know my pain would have been so much worse had I not been able to do that for my boys. I hope this is NOT the end of your reproductive life. That was one of my fears too.


Wife to DH for 17 years, homeschooling mom to 3 girls (15, 13, 12), 2 boys (11, 7), and (13 wk mc 4/10/11), (13 week mc 12/12/11). baby girl 10/31/13. (11 wk mc 6/25/14). Waiting to miscarry again, October 2014.
M Anna is offline  
#48 of 52 Old 02-27-2014, 09:32 AM
 
starsmagick's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Chicago
Posts: 169
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

I agree!  

starsmagick is offline  
#49 of 52 Old 03-07-2014, 05:28 PM
 
ascher21's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 310
Mentioned: 4 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I am just completing a miscarriage right now that started on Sunday. No one told me ANYThInG about miscarriage.

1. Your midwives will help you through this: um, no. I signed up with a birth center and they were so vague about what would happen. I felt so alone during the process. Luckily my best friend is a midwife in New York and she told me all kinds of things. You can take Advil if you are Breastfeeding, and the pain of miscarriage is not a learning pain like labor, so I took some during the contractions and it made such a difference. She also told me I could take healing teas like dandelion or parsley. Iron supplements. Echinacea and vitamin c to avoid infection. I am still appalled by how distant the midwives were. I called during the worst of it and the head midwife didn't even know I was having a miscarriage.

2. The technician doing the ultrasound was a total dick. He talked on his cell phone before he did my ultrasound. He reprimanded me for not having a follow up. And by the way....having a follow up would have done nothing but make me worry for two months when I was going to miscarry. I probably would have worried about infection and who knows...gone for a d and c I guess. It was far humane to me to let it happen, even if I was mentally more crushed.

3. Do people not realize how physical a miscarriage is even at 11 weeks? I feel like no one understands, unless they've been there, just how horrifying it is to pass tissue. How your uterus feels like a ball and your waist has a belt of pain around it at like midnight as you cower in the bathroom. Not to scare anyone, but knowing these things would have been a bit more informative than "you will have some cramping and pass some clots".

4. You really learn who your friends ans family are. Those who are your friends ans family prove invaluable. Those who aren't don't even call you to check up.

I'm 32, dh is 32, ds 9/24/12. WAHM cloth diaper maker, user, water birth, home birth, Breastfeeding.
ascher21 is offline  
#50 of 52 Old 03-07-2014, 07:33 PM
 
starsmagick's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Chicago
Posts: 169
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

Hugs. I am so so sorry for your loss.  I too am just finishing a miscarriage. No one does give you any information on what to do or what to expect.    I'm here if you want to talk.  

starsmagick is offline  
#51 of 52 Old 03-10-2014, 01:53 PM
 
Redmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 192
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

I just found out today's ultrasound that I've had another miscarriage.

 

No one told me:

 

1.  That the grief gets opened up every time you learn of another friend or acquaintance being pregnant, or when you learn of someone who was due the same time as you were.

 

2.  How lonely it feels when you're approaching your expected due date because there are no random strangers asking you about a growing belly, no friends asking how you are doing, no family and friends excited awaiting the good news.  People forget that after you lose the baby, you are also moving closer to the expected due date but without a baby at the end of it.

 

3.  How vulnerable you feel when strangers at parties casually ask "so are you going to have another one?".

 

4.  How angry I feel when I hear of women complaining about pregnancy symptoms, or things like not getting the private room at the hospital.

 

5.  That it doesn't always end quickly...with my first m/c I waited over 9 weeks for my body to release the pregnancy until I could take it no more and reluctantly opted for a D&C.

 

6.  How insensitive the medical community can be- the nurse who insisted I provide a urine sample for a pregnancy test while I was being prepped for my D&C, the nurse who shrugged her shoulders when she couldn't read the script for my bloodwork and asked me why I was having blood drawn.

 

7.  That even when you get pregnant again, you lose the innocence and joy because you know that anything can happen. And the envy you feel when other women casually announce they are 6 weeks p/g, or 9 week p/g with twins.

 

8.  How incredibly painful the sound of silence at your ultrasound is, when you don't hear the heartbeat.  How incredibly brutal it is to see your empty uterus at the ultrasound.

 

9.  That once you have a miscarriage, whenever you learn of another woman suffering a pregnancy loss you just wish you could give them a baby.


40 y/o married Mama, 3 y/o DS, Angel Baby lost in Sep 2013, Angel Baby lost March 2014.
Redmom is offline  
#52 of 52 Old 03-17-2014, 04:31 PM
 
starsmagick's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Chicago
Posts: 169
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I feel like I'm starting a new pregnancy at random. I bought a box of tests cause I can't get my brain to make sense of things
starsmagick is offline  
Reply

Tags
Grief And Loss

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off