The things no one told me about miscarriage. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 52 Old 12-13-2012, 02:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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This was suggested on another thread and I think its a great idea!

Here's some of mine

 

1. Once dx with a mc I thought I'd want it to be over right then and there.  Do the D&C, take the pills stop this train!  But I waited almost a week to take the pills. 

2. The grief fades.  It fades from other people's sight, but there are still moments where I see a nb or a preg woman and I well up.  I still cry in the shower, I still cry in the car. 

3. Your body will go back to normal soon after.  I am still waiting on that one! 

4. People who care will remember.  My good friend and midwife invited me to a party for winter solstice, I couldn't answer I just started crying -that was my due date. 

5. Men grieve in remarkably different and odd ways.


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#2 of 52 Old 12-14-2012, 09:10 AM
 
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Yes, great thread idea!

1. That nobody ever really says what a m/c is. It's not talked about and is very "hush, hush" it seems. Unless you find yourself having one or have spoken with other women who have gone through it before it happens to you, the shock of what's happening to you makes it all so hard to believe (and that's a fairly poor description; "shock" doesn't even really come close to describing this...)

2. I found that I still had the food cravings, nausea, and some of the aversions that I had while I was PG as the hormones fluctuated in my body. There was pretty much one thing that worked on my nausea every time while I was PG and I had to have it when I started feeling gaggy after my m/c.

3. That I would stand up and feel like my insides had just fallen out of me when the sac, etc. came out.

4. The gore. I just had no idea. Murder scene ='d my bathroom.

5. How surreal and fascinating it is to watch your body work in this manner.

6. How deep that chasm of emptiness would go; that's a bitch.

7. How connected you feel to the women who have gone through this before you and the women who will go through this after you, yet, utterly and completely alone. Birth - the flipside.

8. No one ever told me about the newly found respect, gratitude, and awe I would have for being able to bring babies into this world in the first place. Unbelievably humbling, even more so for a person who feels pretty humble already!

9. Ohhh, the emotional numbness! That suuuuuucked.

10. How I would actually look forward to and want MS for comfort nut.gif . After having two pregnancies with unrelenting all day/all night nausea and fatigue into the 2nd trimester, I thought "Gee, this is a pleasant surprise not to be so sick!" Uh-huh, pleasant...

11. That I would question everything I'd done up to that point since this somehow must be my fault.

Those are just a few of mine...

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#3 of 52 Old 12-14-2012, 09:16 AM
 
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Oh, that everything doesn't necessarily happen all at once. I honestly have no idea just WTF I thought really happened during a m/c in the first place. Guess I just avoided thinking about it...

ETA: Oh, and how much my instincts kicked in during the process.

Apparently this thread is proving therapeutic for me privateeyes.gif .

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#4 of 52 Old 12-14-2012, 10:31 AM
 
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Wow, mamacatsbaby - just read this and I am totally bawling.gif right now. I can't believe how you completely hit it on the head for me (all except #8 which must be an amazing feeling as well)! Wow, wOw, WOW! This IS really therapeutic and I thought I was pretty much over the major part of grieving, I guess it never really goes away does it... hug.gif 

Shiloh - this is where your #2 really rings true with me. hug.gif 

 

I wish I could add something, but you've both already said all I've felt. It's just surprising to me how the pain is still really here and those moments hit you, sometimes out of the blue and sadness just envelops you without any warning, ugh! 

This thread is a great idea, thanks for sharing and allowing me share as well.namaste.gif


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#5 of 52 Old 12-14-2012, 01:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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No the grieving never stops.

I now stop myself when talking about my family, do I have four children but five pregnancies, if I have another will it be really six or just five.

It counted to me.  I wonder how I will feel if I am ever blessed to be preg again, I will not complain if I have to suffer though ms for the entire pregnancy.

I was such a whiner in my four perfect pregnancies.


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#6 of 52 Old 12-14-2012, 09:36 PM
 
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I haven't had a chance to read all the previous replies, but here would be mine-

 

1. That just being "young and healthy" doesn't mean you can't/won't miscarry. 

 

2. That when you ARE the "young and healthy" one miscarrying- over and over and over again- it's very lonely, because it DOES seem like you're the only one, and your peers (among others) look at you like a freak of nature because 1) you wanted children in the first place, and 2) despite all those girls who had babies in high school (making it appear foolproof), you can't seem to keep them alive when you get pregnant.

 

3. That the majority of people around you won't likely want to talk about your losses because THEY are uncomfortable.

 

4. That announcing pregnancy is an entirely different ballgame when loss is involved.  The whole "want to tell so I can get support if something bad happens" doesn't always work out that way, and in fact, can be even HARDER to deal with when people around you haven't experienced loss themselves.  Having it ignored or swept under the rug just plain stings.

 

5. That bitterness and can be some of the hardest things to understand and deal with after losing babies.  And that having successful pregnancies/living babies eventually doesn't necessarily make it all go away.

 

6. That I would find myself stooping to some serious lows in efforts to get people to remember my losses and what I've been through, and that learning to LET GO of that and understand that I may very well be the only one to remember my babies in the end and there's nothing I can do to change that is a very difficult thing to accept.

 

7. That a late first trimester loss results in actual, full-on contractions and labor.  Never saw that one coming after numerous earlier, immediate losses.

 

8. That walking around with a dead baby inside of me was a strange thing- part relief that I had an answer as to whether or not my baby was okay, part anxiety waiting for the miscarriage "to happen, and part horror that I was still pregnant, but with a baby who was no longer alive.  All topping off the grief that naturally accompanies the loss of a very wanted baby.

 

9. That just because you're a "quiverful" family or one who leaves their fertility up to God does NOT mean you will end up like the Duggar's.  We chose to let God choose our family size years ago, but I guess it never occurred to me that I could have more babies in Heaven than on earth.  Never really hear of that side of any of those stories.

 

10. That hindsight is 20/20 and I wish I would have allowed myself to rely on my intuition more than the doctors confidence and my past experiences.  Perhaps I wouldn't have lost my tube and gone through one of the most horrifying experiences of my life.

 

11. That being pregnant at the same time as friends/family- no matter how exciting the idea used to seem- becomes a dreaded experience, because being left behind over and over (and then going on to watch them be pregnant and have their babies) again can really wear a person down. 

 

12. That after losses, people begin to watch your every move and try to find reasons for why "you" caused your miscarriages.

 

13. That people start deciding that you should be done having children because you keep losing them.  Therefore, if you get pregnant again, you're treated as if you're irresponsible.

 

14. That even some people close to me who knew loss firsthand would grieve TOTALLY different than I did/do, and that it would affect our relationships because they felt I was too "whiny."

 

15. That future pregnancies will never be the same.  Loss changes everything.

 

I think I'm gonna stop...I can see I'm making this really personal.  But really, I think I would have liked to know those things before they happened to me.  Probably not the same for everyone, though.


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#7 of 52 Old 12-14-2012, 09:43 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mamacatsbaby View Post


10. How I would actually look forward to and want MS for comfort nut.gif . After having two pregnancies with unrelenting all day/all night nausea and fatigue into the 2nd trimester, I thought "Gee, this is a pleasant surprise not to be so sick!" Uh-huh, pleasant...

 

Just getting to read some replies now...and I totally agree with this!  Though I did have one pregnancy (my late 1st tri loss) that I did have mild m/s, so that sort of changed things for me when I realized it didn't necessarily guarantee anything positive.  But still, I always tell people that if it did, I'd totally take it.  And it bothers me when they respond with, "You are crazy.  You do NOT want m/s" and act like I'm insane. 

 

Those same people haven't ever had any losses, though.  I hardly expect them to understand.


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#8 of 52 Old 12-16-2012, 05:43 PM
 
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Yes to so many of these! I think the one about miscarriage being a longer event than I thought it would be, the waiting, is what is hitting me the hardest, while we're in the throes of waiting. I thought it'd be a one day bleeding, but my first was a week+ long drawn-out period-type thing, and this one is a missed miscarriage.

 

And no one ever told me that everyone would try to comfort me by telling me about all the people they know who have had miscarriages, instead of living in a society where we can talk about a major part of our reproductive lives openly.

 

No one ever told me that after the first miscarriage, you're statistically not really much higher risk for future miscarriage, so doctors don't seem to want to monitor your next, so you don't really get to know if you're someone who struggles with recurrent miscarriage until after you've had two.

 

No one ever told me that you have to fight for tests after two miscarriages, because a lot of OB-GYNs are still using old guidelines that say to wait for three miscarriages.

 

No one ever told me how hard it can be to reproduce. The message I got was that babies can happen basically if a man sneezes around you, and that you need protection at all times if you don't want to be pregnant. But actually, a lot of folks struggle with infertility, and a lot of folks struggle with miscarriage.

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#9 of 52 Old 12-16-2012, 07:57 PM
 
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No Suzie, I don't think it ever does go away hug.gif . I thought I was doing pretty well with the grieving process as well but I've realized that yeeeeah, not as well as i thought...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shiloh 
I wonder how I will feel if I am ever blessed to be preg again, I will not complain if I have to suffer though ms for the entire pregnancy.

I was such a whiner in my four perfect pregnancies.
Yep, all of this (except change the four to two). I will soak up every sickly second and be grateful for it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1babysmom 
3. That the majority of people around you won't likely want to talk about your losses because THEY are uncomfortable.
Or they want to "fix" it and say some pretty crazy stuff to you (not really realizing that they're footinmouth.gif I don't think) b/c they're uncomfortable.
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Originally Posted by coldinaugust 
No one ever told me how hard it can be to reproduce. The message I got was that babies can happen basically if a man sneezes around you, and that you need protection at all times if you don't want to be pregnant. But actually, a lot of folks struggle with infertility, and a lot of folks struggle with miscarriage.
Oh my goodness yes! I guess in the process of trying to prevent teen pregnancy no one ever really gave much thought to the fact that we were getting a pretty distorted view of fertility/pregnancy I guess??

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#10 of 52 Old 12-18-2012, 01:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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And no one ever told me that everyone would try to comfort me by telling me about all the people they know who have had miscarriages 

 

For me it was people who wanted to talk about their abortion experiences.  I'm pretty prolife (for myself) I didn't want an abortion I had a miscarriage, not even a
"spontaneous" abortion...  Which is how I thought of mc one minute you're pregnant then it all of a sudden falls out!  But in all seriousness this actually helped me realise that every mother values the lives of their unborn children even if they chose not to have them be born.


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#11 of 52 Old 12-18-2012, 02:24 PM
 
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@Shiloh--what a wonderful thing to hear, that you were able to appreciate another perspective w/r/t folks' abortion experiences.  I think they're definitely different experiences, but do have things in common, especially the "not supposed to talk about it" thing that silences major parts of women's lives and makes them even harder than they already are.
 

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#12 of 52 Old 01-05-2013, 08:41 PM
 
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*You can have a miscarriage without having a lot of cramping and pain.

 

I'm still upset with the midwife (Who I'm sure was just doing her best to comfort me) told me when I called at 9pm after bleeding bright red blood for over 2 hours that "Unless you're seeing clots or having cramps, it's probably nothing.)I sat on my couch like a dumba$$ thinking everything would be fine. I never said good bye to my baby and totally blame that woman for that. I felt so incredibly stupid at the ultrasound 3 days later.  I actually said the tech in a steady, calm voice "No you must be mistaken. I never had any cramps. She said there would be cramps with a MC.  Would you please look again?"


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#13 of 52 Old 01-05-2013, 09:07 PM
 
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*You can have a miscarriage without having a lot of cramping and pain.

I'm still upset with the midwife (Who I'm sure was just doing her best to comfort me) told me when I called at 9pm after bleeding bright red blood for over 2 hours that "Unless you're seeing clots or having cramps, it's probably nothing.)I sat on my couch like a dumba$$ thinking everything would be fine. I never said good bye to my baby and totally blame that woman for that. I felt so incredibly stupid at the ultrasound 3 days later.  I actually said the tech in a steady, calm voice "No you must be mistaken. I never had any cramps. She said there would be cramps with a MC.  Would you please look again?"
so sorry mama. greensad.gif that is how my first miscarriage began too (for the entire first 24 hours or so...I went to the ER eventually and it wasnt until the poking and prodding that the pain began). I was told if I was just bleeding without cramps that I was likely fine.

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#14 of 52 Old 01-07-2013, 12:06 PM
 
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Is there a book with this kind of info?  Because the other night I was wondering about compiling one myself.  I realize it wouldn't be something the average Joe would likely want to read, but at least it would be more widely available to women out there who really want to know.  I know there are many miscarriage related books out there, but I don't know if any really go into a lot of detail regarding what really happens, how moms and dads really feel before, during, and after, etc.  It's something I've been considering over the last few days but just wasn't sure....


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#15 of 52 Old 01-07-2013, 12:25 PM
 
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Is there a book with this kind of info?  Because the other night I was wondering about compiling one myself.  I realize it wouldn't be something the average Joe would likely want to read, but at least it would be more widely available to women out there who really want to know.  I know there are many miscarriage related books out there, but I don't know if any really go into a lot of detail regarding what really happens, how moms and dads really feel before, during, and after, etc.  It's something I've been considering over the last few days but just wasn't sure....
I've had the exact same thoughts over the last month or so...

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#16 of 52 Old 01-07-2013, 03:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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This is a great idea!
I'd be into helping write it!

8 might be enough
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#17 of 52 Old 01-08-2013, 07:50 AM
 
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I've been wondering what kind of format would be good and how to go about organizing it. I think something like this is really needed. One thing I hear women say over and over is how they had no idea how common these losses are until it happens to them. Then it seems like all these women around them just come out of the woodwork with their stories.

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#18 of 52 Old 01-08-2013, 10:56 AM
 
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I was kinda thinking like a "chapter" or section for each woman's story (multiple stories get their own chapters...since they are different experiences and different babies).  And then maybe at the end of each chapter/section, have there be a part where dad gets to share his feelings (if he would want to).  I wasn't sure whether to do all aspects of the stories in one section (like the events leading up to it, "gory" details, the aftermath, the emotions for months/years afterwards, etc) or to separate those, like experiences with the miscarriage in one part, then later on in the book the dealings with emotions in the time following loss...something like that, if that makes sense.  I just wasn't sure what would flow best without it taking away from each woman's very personal stories.

 

With all the options for easily publishing on Kindle anymore, I figured that would be super simple, but I'd like it to be available in print as well, since I want it to be widely available, ya know?


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#19 of 52 Old 01-08-2013, 11:30 AM
 
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I wish I had a magic wand to wave to make all the wrongs in the world right...This is one of the most honest threads I have read and I thank you all for your feelings and thoughts. I'm sorry ladies. hug2.gif


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#20 of 52 Old 01-09-2013, 02:28 PM
 
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There are a few books that share individual experiences or voices. I would say the best book of women's stories is About What Was Lost: Twenty Writers on Miscarriage, Healing and Hope, which is also a strongly pro-choice book and some women discuss their previous abortion experiences, and how that may have affected their current narrative. Just a heads up if you have strong feelings either way; I appreciated the book's inclusion of another aspect of women's lives that is often silenced but matters a great deal to our life stories. As far as medical info with women's voices interspersed throughout the book, I think the best one I read was After Miscarriage, written by an author who has had three herself.
 

That said, I think there is always more room for people's voices on this subject, especially because it is so very often silenced. I'm glad more people are interested in talking about it, and writing about it, and publishing books about it, and anything I can do to support that project, I'm in. Power to you, folks!

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#21 of 52 Old 01-23-2013, 02:13 PM
 
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Two I have to add are: 

 

1 - Saying the words "dead baby" freaks people out, especially your DH, who may look at you with a combination of horror that you said that and pain that it's true.

 

2 - The ridiculous hoping that happens until your m/c actually completes or your D&C is finished. Miracles can happen, right?  Right but ugh...  


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#22 of 52 Old 01-23-2013, 02:29 PM
 
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That year's later people will still.say things.that are so terrible. That eventually a birthday for.one of our children we lost would be a.beautiful day of remembering with our family and something I look forward to
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#23 of 52 Old 01-27-2013, 06:08 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 1babysmom View Post

I was kinda thinking like a "chapter" or section for each woman's story (multiple stories get their own chapters...since they are different experiences and different babies).  And then maybe at the end of each chapter/section, have there be a part where dad gets to share his feelings (if he would want to).  I wasn't sure whether to do all aspects of the stories in one section (like the events leading up to it, "gory" details, the aftermath, the emotions for months/years afterwards, etc) or to separate those, like experiences with the miscarriage in one part, then later on in the book the dealings with emotions in the time following loss...something like that, if that makes sense.  I just wasn't sure what would flow best without it taking away from each woman's very personal stories.

 

With all the options for easily publishing on Kindle anymore, I figured that would be super simple, but I'd like it to be available in print as well, since I want it to be widely available, ya know?

 

 

Please also include people's stories of stillbirth and I don't just mean full-term stillbirth. I had a 22 week loss of identical twin sons- anything after 20 weeks is considered stillbirth and I have seen hardly anything that covers that period of time. Many books on miscarriage and some on full-term stillbirth, but very little in-between.


Mama to my twin butterfly boys, Alan and Bruce, who passed away at 22 weeks gestation (3/24/12): Forever in Our Hearts. Our rainbow baby girl, my little bud of Hope,  joined our butterfly boys and Grandma Jan 1/31/13 at 9 weeks gestation. Love you so much. Next step: triadadopt.jpg
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#24 of 52 Old 03-25-2013, 10:55 AM
 
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Just thought I'd jump in (I recognize several of you) and say that I started writing a site after my first loss (had one more after that...still writing the site) because I was so disgusted that there was no real information about the nitty gritty of miscarriage out there. Butterflies and rainbows and poems are nice, but I wanted to know how much blood to expect, what the baby was going to look like, etc. My site (in case anyone is interested) is Lost Innocents: http://lostinnocentsorthodox.blogspot.com/ There is a page on exactly what to expect, a page of photographs of babies at each (most) week gestation, people's stories, how to deal with a hospital, etc.


Wife to DH for 17 years, homeschooling mom to 3 girls (15, 13, 12), 2 boys (11, 7), and (13 wk mc 4/10/11), (13 week mc 12/12/11). baby girl 10/31/13. (11 wk mc 6/25/14). (6 wk mc 10/26/14)
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#25 of 52 Old 04-03-2013, 06:31 PM
 
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What it smells like. It smells like birth. I just had my first miscarriage today. It started naturally and ended with a D&C. When the cramps and clots started I was stunned to be reminded of changing pads in the hospital post birth. It smells exactly the same. That was unexpectedly painful.
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#26 of 52 Old 04-03-2013, 07:17 PM
 
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Pandme: I'm so sorry for your loss. :(  Yes, it does. I was reminded of that after my last miscarriage and it was so painful to think that I wasn't about to emerge from the bathroom to see a bassinet in my room, but a plastic container with the baby in it. :(  Truly I had forgotten.
 


Wife to DH for 17 years, homeschooling mom to 3 girls (15, 13, 12), 2 boys (11, 7), and (13 wk mc 4/10/11), (13 week mc 12/12/11). baby girl 10/31/13. (11 wk mc 6/25/14). (6 wk mc 10/26/14)
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#27 of 52 Old 04-03-2013, 07:36 PM
 
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M Anna, I want to thank you for that site. I have not suffered a miscarriage myself, but know many who have and the lack of frank, honest information out there is something that they lamented during the process. I think that it adds to the difficulty, so your site really does a great service to women during a very difficult time.


Married 12/08 to Chilean DH and mama to DD 2/2/10. We're a bilingual home and we familybed1.gif and toddler.gif

 

Expecting #2 in late June!

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#28 of 52 Old 04-03-2013, 08:14 PM
 
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You're welcome, kitteh. I hope you never need it yourself. A lot of people have been helped by it (not to toot my own horn).
 


Wife to DH for 17 years, homeschooling mom to 3 girls (15, 13, 12), 2 boys (11, 7), and (13 wk mc 4/10/11), (13 week mc 12/12/11). baby girl 10/31/13. (11 wk mc 6/25/14). (6 wk mc 10/26/14)
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#29 of 52 Old 04-04-2013, 05:53 AM
 
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Thank you, M Anna. I'm still stunned any of it happened. I am so glad this thread and forum exists because so many are uncomfortable with this topic. I never thought I would have one. Heck, I wasn't even supposed to be pregnant....this was a surprise third baby. I feel like all I have been doing since February is processing shocking events.
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#30 of 52 Old 04-04-2013, 04:45 PM
 
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Pandme, I just lost my surprise 3rd baby this week too (((()))). My other m/c were def. planned and this is harder in a way--I feel more guilty for some reason. Sorry for your loss.

Sleepy mom of two (DS-11, DD-8). 5 lost: 9/2004, 3/2005, 3/2013, 8/2014, ectopic loss @ 6 weeks 11/2014
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