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"It WAS a real baby, wasn't it?"

656 views 6 replies 5 participants last post by  lovecarrieson 
#1 ·
I miscarried early Monday morning- at least that was when the main part of the miscarriage happened. The part that was like labor. I am trying to sort through my thoughts and feelings. I don't really know how I feel, because there is no "supposed to" I think it is hard to identify? I am really confused, and hope that rambling a little might help.

No one seems to understand unless they have gone through it.

My DH is SO wonderful. I love him so much, and he was so great, even though he felt like there was nothing he could do, he did a lot by being there. (Aside from when I first started spotting and I felt like he was blowing it off, but he was just not wanting to worry unnecessarily).

I am finding support (and misguided attempts at support) in unexpected places. My BFF, who can sometimes be insensitive, has been AMAZING. My parents mean well, but are saying wrong things. When I mentioned to my dad that hey, at least I got a little practice of what labor would be like, he said, "Oh no you didn't." I told him yes I did. That three hours of contractions and passing things, and the whole night before with cramps/contractions WAS like labor. Maybe not as much, as long, or as bad (I have nothing to compare it to), but I'm pretty sure it is similar!

I can't believe my mom said, "It wasn't a REAL baby." That hurt, and is like the #1 thing NOT to say. Come on Mom! BUT at the same time, I said something kind of similar. It was so small, and I think it stopped growing very early on. I didn't miscarry until 10 weeks, but the baby looked (to me) like about 5 weeks. It probably never even had a heartbeat. I am pretty OK with the idea that it wasn't my fault, and there was something wrong that meant the baby couldn't develop normally. I was a "dud" so to speak. I get that, and I am OK with it. But if is was a "dud" was it a real baby or not? I guess it could help to think that it wasn't, and I think my mom is trying to help by helping me think it wasn't.... I was kind of relieved it wasn't more developed to be honest. I think that would have been harder to see and deal with.

I have been feeling like I want to be really sad, and have a really good cry, but I can't seem to. I can get in touch with those feelings and cry when I read other peoples stories, or read general information, but it is hard to cry on my own, for my baby. That makes me wonder if I am in shock and having a hard time reaching those emotions right now, or if I am really just working myself up because I THINK I should be more upset.... After all, "it wasn't a *real* baby," was it?

I am so so so glad I was able to go through it at home with my husband. I think going to the ER for me would have been horrible. I can't even imagine (well, I can I guess) how awful it would be to go through that while waiting in the waiting room, being poked and prodded, being asked tons of questions, being told what to do, etc. As it was, it was really good to witness my body take over, and do what it knew how to do, what needed to be done. Also, I'm glad for no medication. This reaffirms for me that I want a natural birth. This experience was not pain free, but it was pain I needed to feel. I wanted to experience it happening. To let it be a part of my reality. Sort of like, "If your life sucks right now, you're not depressed. Your life sucks. You are supposed to feel that way." So I guess this version is, "If your body is going through a natural process that hurts, you aren't injured."

I think I will write about the experience, but not at this moment. Maybe in a day or two or more.

I was surprised that my friend's baby didn't bother me. She stayed with me yesterday, and offered to have someone watch him, but I told her to bring him. I didn't think it would bug me, and it didn't. That was unexpected. In as much as I thought about this kinds of situation before, I would have thought it would have been hard to be around him. The clearance baby clothes at work bother me a little though. I had to go in for about an hour yesterday, and noticed that they had moved those racks right where I could see them from my desk. I didn't like it, but I think it will be OK. If it bothers me too much, I will just go ask someone if they can move them again.

My guilty pleasure TV show is Teen Mom. I watched the episode with a miscarriage shortly before having mine. People would ask her if she was OK, and she would say, "I don't know." I understood it when I saw it, but I GET IT now. I tell people yes, I am OK, but really I don't know. I don't know how I feel. I don't know if I believe my baby was "real," what ever that means. I don't know how I am going to do at work today. I don't know if I am done passing pieces of tissue. I don't know when I will be able to try again. I DO know I want to try again. I DO know that my next pregnancy will be more scary, but at the same time not as scary, because I know what the worst that can happen is, and I have been through it. Is trying again right away not honoring this baby? I don't know what my baby's name was. I don't know if it was a boy or a girl. I don't know if I am a mother.

I hate that my husbands ex had two healthy babies of his, and lied about losses FOUR times. I don't want her to find out about my loss. She will tell the other kids I deserved it, that the baby was better off dead than with us, etc. I don't want them to hear that or repeat it. I hate that if I want to keep this from her, I have to keep it from them, and a lot of other people who might tell her.

Thanks for reading my ramble. It helps to just get some of it out. I am sorry for your losses as well, and I hope that you all get what you need to heal.
 
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#2 ·
I kind of understand what you mean and know others would be offended by a suggestion like that, and it sounds like even you were offended to hear your mother say it even if you were thinking it yourself. There really isn't a right way to feel or a right thing to think after a miscarriage. It's good to explore your feelings, but it can be difficult to find the right outlet in which to do that.

With my first miscarriage, at 6 weeks, I saw the sac, but no fetus, so--like you--I concluded that the baby never had a heartbeat or developed really at all. I was upset not to be pregnant anymore, but I didn't really feel like the baby had ever been alive to begin with, so it hadn't really died. I did grieve for the loss of my pregnancy, but not the loss of the baby, if that makes any sense. After that, I avoided pregnant people (especially those who were due around the same time as me) and I became more obsessed than ever with TTC. I was a little hesitant to believe in my pregnancy when I got pregnant again, but after I saw him on the u/s at 11 weeks, I basically put the past (miscarriage) out of my mind.

However, with my more recent miscarriage (at 11 weeks), I discovered I had been carrying some unresolved feelings about my first miscarriage. This pregnancy developed normally to 7 weeks and then stopped, so it was definitely a baby in my mind. It had a heartbeat at 6 weeks and then it didn't at 8 weeks. So I feel the need to remember this baby and that makes me think about the other one too. They were both due in August. I bought a necklace to remember them both (you can see in my profile pic, but I also posted pictures in the TTC after loss thread. But I am rambling about myself here...

Anyway, like you, I did go through the experience of labour at 11 weeks. I did not feel that way after my 6 week loss--that was more like a period. But even though the baby stopped growing at 7 weeks, I was still 11 weeks pregnant and I did have contractions, etc. Not exactly the same as birth, but definitely it was similar, so I would say it was a preview.

I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope you will continue to process it.
 
#3 ·
Thank you for your reply. These feelings are so confusing to sort through. I am finally starting to feel sad and cry some, and that is a big relief. As far as the "real baby" issue, I still don't have very specific clarity, but I do know that it was a real baby to us. In our hearts and minds.
 
#4 ·
It was a real baby.
You suffered a real loss.
Your mind will spin for a while.
People mean well but it feels mean when they say well intentioned bs.

Babies didn't bug me after my mc so much but pregnant women did.
 
#5 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by mattie426 View Post

Thank you for your reply. These feelings are so confusing to sort through. I am finally starting to feel sad and cry some, and that is a big relief. As far as the "real baby" issue, I still don't have very specific clarity, but I do know that it was a real baby to us. In our hearts and minds.
That is the important thing and it is the reason you need to go through the grieving process. You have suffered a real loss.
 
#6 ·
oh mama. It was a real baby. You had a real loss. I had a blighted ovum last year, and even that was a real baby to me, even if it never developed. It was DEVASTATING. As soon as I saw those lines on the test, it was a real baby in my mind. I had hopes and dreams and started thinking about names.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
 
#7 ·
Mattie426, it's been a few months but I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't think it matters how developed the baby's body was, what matters is that the baby's soul wanted to come into your life. Whether you believe that soul is now an angel in heaven or will try again to come back in a future healthy baby body, your connection to that soul is real and eternal.

That said, I think some moms find it more comforting to look at the loss as NOT a baby, and I think that's ok too. After my 16-week miscarriage a few weeks ago I spoke with an acquaintance who had lost her baby at 18 weeks, and she most emphatically felt that what she lost was just a developing body, not a baby. For her, it was more positive to focus on the future. She got pregnant a few months later and says when she looks at her 20-month-old daughter she's glad she had the miscarriage because she never would have had THIS child if not for losing the other.

Although it's not my personal view, I felt lighter hearing her positive mindset. In many ways it makes me even sadder when I hear about parents grieving a permanently lost child, because I want to believe our Peanut is just waiting for the right time to come back and be our baby boy.
 
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