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-   -   Lost my baby at 20 weeks (http://www.mothering.com/forum/22-pregnancy-birth-loss/1382229-lost-my-baby-20-weeks.html)

aoifesmiles 04-24-2013 07:36 AM

I'm heartbroken after finding out this morning that we've lost our baby at 20 weeks. We lost our first baby at 24 weeks and I can't believe we are going through this again. We have 3 other kids, aged 7,5, and 2 who have naturally been very excited about having a new baby brother or sister. I don't know how much I should involve them, with a stillborn baby it is recommended to involve other children a lot, that includes letting them see and hold the baby, but I'm not sure if that's right or ok at this stage. Can anyone advise me? I feel like I'm at this strange in between stage of loss, it's not quite a stillbirth, but it's more than a miscarriage.

dakipode 04-24-2013 07:45 AM

aoifesmiles, let me tell you again how sad I am for you and I wish there was more that I could do than just give you a virtual hug and faraway support.

Having never gone through this I don't know how much stock you'd want to put into my opinion. I think it's important to share your grief. Kids will know that something is wrong and if you don't talk about it it might end up feeling to them like you're ashamed of something. I think I would choose to be as open as possible even if that involves telling them you're really sad and that's all you can say for now and then later on, as you process your grief tell them a bit more.

Is there another way that you can commemorate the baby besides having your children hold him/her? Does your hospital do foot or hand imprints? I know the university hospital here provides that as a service to grieving parents.

I wish you lots of strength and peace in the next weeks.


aoifesmiles 04-24-2013 07:51 AM

Yes, they do foot prints and hand prints. I can take photos too. We have a memorial box for my first baby, and the kids are allowed to go through that any time, so they are no stranger to the fact that sometimes babies die.

I can ask in the hospital what they think. I want to keep them involved as much as possible, but don't want to scare them.

aoifesmiles 04-24-2013 07:52 AM

Yes, they do foot prints and hand prints. I can take photos too. We have a memorial box for my first baby, and the kids are allowed to go through that any time, so they are no stranger to the fact that sometimes babies die.

I can ask in the hospital what they think. I want to keep them involved as much as possible, but don't want to scare them.

Matt's Mom in MT 04-24-2013 07:59 AM

I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but I couldn't not comment.

 

hug.gif I can't imagine your pain.  I've had early an early mc, but nothing like this.  Hugs are not enough, but at least they are something.  hug2.gif

 

grouphug.gif


aoifesmiles 04-24-2013 08:14 AM

Thank you. It helps me to talk about it. I really do appreciate the replies.

LLQ1011 04-24-2013 08:20 AM

I am so sorry mama. I would have them come and hold the baby. Or give them a choice. Also I had a hand cast done for my son that I love. This is the worst thing to go through. greensad.gif

You will be my thoughts, and your precious baby.

aoifesmiles 04-25-2013 12:55 AM

Thank you for the replies. Sometimes questions get answered naturally. We told the kids last night, I was so fried and emotionally drained that I was in bed by 7 pm and never had a chance to connect with the kids properly after telling them the bad news. This morning my 7 year old dd climbed into bed with me. I cuddled her then out of nowhere she tells me that she feels it's unfair that her dad and I can hold the baby and not her. That's all I needed, now I know I can let her hold the baby. I warned her that it will be small, and not look like a normal baby, she was totally fine with it and was delighted that she will be able to hold it. They've seen photos of the baby we lost at 24 weeks, so they are a little more prepared for what to expect than most other children. She told me she cried in her room after we told her and was sad that she'll never get to feel him squeeze her finger. They were making future memories of this baby no different to my husband and I. I'm glad she's talking to me about it.

I have a lot ahead of me in the next couple days, sigh.

LLQ1011 04-25-2013 08:47 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by aoifesmiles View Post

Thank you for the replies. Sometimes questions get answered naturally. We told the kids last night, I was so fried and emotionally drained that I was in bed by 7 pm and never had a chance to connect with the kids properly after telling them the bad news. This morning my 7 year old dd climbed into bed with me. I cuddled her then out of nowhere she tells me that she feels it's unfair that her dad and I can hold the baby and not her. That's all I needed, now I know I can let her hold the baby. I warned her that it will be small, and not look like a normal baby, she was totally fine with it and was delighted that she will be able to hold it. They've seen photos of the baby we lost at 24 weeks, so they are a little more prepared for what to expect than most other children. She told me she cried in her room after we told her and was sad that she'll never get to feel him squeeze her finger. They were making future memories of this baby no different to my husband and I. I'm glad she's talking to me about it.

I have a lot ahead of me in the next couple days, sigh.


You are in our thoughts! You and your sweet family. I am so sorry. <3


oneluvmama 05-01-2013 01:37 AM

Thinking of you mama. Sending you and your whole sweet family light and love.

 

My 4 year old dd cried and hugged me and was very sad that she wouldn't get to meet her baby brother/sister. Such sweet and loving souls our little ones are, which makes it even harder to lose those that we will never meet. 

 

As far as involving the kids, I think I would encourage them to do whatever they are comfortable with. 

 

Sending you strength in the days ahead. :(


aoifesmiles 05-01-2013 02:31 AM

I posted this on the September birth club I was on, and thought I should share it here too, so I've just copied and pasted it here. I've really appreciated the replies here. It's been very comforting for me.

Thank you all for the replies. With the support of my family I have been coping really well.

In the end it took 2 days for the meds to finally kick my labour off. On Sunday morning the real pains kicked off and 3 hours later I gave birth the our little boy. We named him Colm, which was our son's first choice for a baby name. He was perfect, there was no explanation for why this happened again. We brought him back to our room, took some photos, and let the shocking reality of what just happened sink in. I knew my 7 year old would like to hold him, as she had asked me before we went to the hospital. I was very worried how she would handle it, and my other 2 for that matter. My dh brought them to the hospital, and by my complete surprise my dd saw past everything and absolutely fell in love with him. She thought he was beautiful and perfect. She held him and didn't want to let him go, so we let her. She held him all the way home, and all evening before she went to bed. My 5 years old ds also had a few turns, but he wasn't as smitten as my dd. I was going to hide it from my 2 year old, but she's not stupid. She wanted to see the baby. I explained that he got sick and the doctors weren't able to fix him, so we can't keep him. She was surprised by his appearance, but mostly concerned, and very accepting. Kids are far more able to deal with these issues than I ever imagined. That night at 3am my 7 year old came to my bed asking if she could hold the baby. I still can't believe how much she loved him. I am incredibly proud of her and her emotional maturity during this time. She nurtured and loved that baby until we placed him in the ground. She told me he only has a short life so she wants to make it as good as possible. So sweet.

On Monday we buried him alongside his brother who died 8 years ago. It was just the 5 of us. The kids each released a balloon after. It was of course sad, but it was also perfect. We brought the kids for a meal, and came home. My dd cried in my arms that evening, I'm happy she could do that.

Now slowly life will begin to resume normality. I feel well, but tired. This morning I can feel my breasts fill up with milk that was meant for Colm. This was the most difficult part for me last time, but also in a way validated the realness of my loss, and the realness that I was a mother despite my empty arms. This time though I have a cute little 2 year nursling. ;-) She is on the verge of weaning, but still has a feed now and again, so I'm hoping she can help with the pain of engorcement.

Thank you all again, your messages have been very comforting to me.

Mary

LLQ1011 05-01-2013 10:58 AM

I am crying reading about your sweet boy's time with his family. Your children sound absolutely wonderful. Still thinking about you and your family.

 

 

 

This may sound weird. But when I lost my son I found a little comfort in that my daughter whom I lost prior to that was not alone. Where ever they were they were together.

 

I miss them terribly.

 

So much love to you and your beautiful family.
 


unuselyriver 05-15-2013 06:54 PM

i want to just say how sorry i am for your losses and want to give you a hughug2.gif


aoifesmiles 05-22-2013 01:25 PM

Thank you very much! It's been over 3 weeks and things are getting much easier. Life is busy and that really helps. It's difficult to see pregnant woman. I had to unsubscribe to all my birth club threads, it killed me doing it. Hopefully some day soon I can be pregnant again. In mean time I'm very lucky to have a contented life.

PrimalJoy 05-15-2014 01:48 PM

I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Colm. It sounds like you and your family honored his passing with tenderness and grace. 


xxxxxxxxxxxxsweetface 05-17-2014 04:58 PM

So so so sorry for your loss.  This is very tragic, terrifying and sad.

I wish the very best to you and your family.

SF


crayon 05-18-2014 08:13 PM

I am so sorry :-( I wish this never happened to us women. I started the "belly shots" thread in my DDC and that was the first off my notice list.  

Colm is a beautiful name and your burial for him sounds beautiful as well. I am so sorry you have had to live through this twice, let alone once. It is unfair. I know. 

((HUGS)) 


t2009 05-21-2014 05:13 PM

Wow, so deeply sorry for your loss. Your family sounds quite beautiful & I hope they bring you much solace as you heal.


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