First m/c and angry - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 4 Old 02-16-2014, 08:31 PM - Thread Starter
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Hi all,

I was hesitant to post in a loss forum, but at the suggestion of a friend who has also experienced a loss, here I am. I have 3 healthy boys and when I found out I was pregnant with my 4th, I was ecstatic as was my husband. My kids are all spaced very far apart, so when I got a BFP only 15 months after my youngest was born, I was over the moon happy and felt so relieved that my body could actually get pregnant so soon after having a baby. Everything felt normal and the only indication I was pregnant was a drop in my milk supply (I typically don't have any early pregnancy symptoms). At a little shy of 6 weeks, I began to spot ever so slightly. I could not shake the feeling something was wrong, even though spotting can be normal. My midwife told me to take it easy and suggested a few different herbs. Still spotting one week later, I went to get my hCG levels tested which came back at 2991. The midwife said that even a second hCG test might not confirm a viable pregnancy, but an ultrasound would. Even though I am against early u/s, we went the following day for peace of mind. There on the screen we saw a beautiful baby with a HR of 120. The tech said that the HR was a little low, but it was fairly common this early in the pregnancy. We felt our fears melt away and even though I was spotting, I felt confident everything would be ok. That night I passed a small clot, but I chalked it up to the internal u/s. The next day I went back for my next hCG draw (found out the next day that it came back at only 3324). My spotting had gone away and my spirits were high. Within a couple of hours of my appointment, I began cramping and passing clots and ultimately my baby. I am left in a state of shock, anger, and a wild array of other emotions. 


I wish I had answers. How could my baby measure fine and have a HB one day and be gone the next? How do I reconcile that in my mind? Could my nursing have suppressed my progesterone levels to the detriment of my baby? Did the internal u/s irritate my cervix? I can't help but feel so angry at my body. I feel I did everything right, I made the best choices. Why did my body fail me? I would have done anything to protect my baby and in an moment, there was nothing else I could do. 


And I feel so alone with my grief. No one talks about miscarriage. What is the protocol? I was excited to tell friends and family, but now most people don't even know that anything is out of the ordinary in my life. Do I just blurt out, "Guess what? I just had a miscarriage!". Do I just keep it in? I don't want to eat or drink anything. I want to punish my body for betraying me. I feel guilty for feeling as upset as I do knowing full well there are women who have experienced more than one m/c or experienced one later on in her pregnancy. I'm not even really sure why I am posting here other than I just need some support from those who have been where I am now. Those who can validate my feelings.

-Virginia- Stay at home, homeschooling, birth doula-ing mama to DS (2/00), DS (8/05), and DS (11/12)

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#2 of 4 Old 02-16-2014, 08:59 PM
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I am so sorry for your loss. 

SAHM to Chloe«- 6/2008 (10 lbs, 5 oz), Hannah- 9/2010 (9 lbs, 12 oz), Liam- 2/2013 (9 lbs, 6 oz)

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#3 of 4 Old 02-17-2014, 05:43 AM
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I have no great advice for you, but I want you to know that I, and many other people, can relate to your loss and your feelings of grief and anger. After conceiving and giving birth to my son with absolutely no trouble, I had an ectopic pregnancy and two miscarriages over a period of four years. There were several long periods in there where I didn't even consider trying to conceive. Finally I got pregnant a 5th time and that pregnancy resulted in my daughter, who just turned 3. 


In many cases, it's impossible to know what causes a miscarriages, but it is almost never related to something the mother does. I know your heart doesn't feel this way right now, but try to assure your mind that it wasn't your fault and you don't need to punish yourself.


It sounds like you've shared the news of your miscarriage and your feelings with at least one friend. If talking things out with friends is helpful for you, go ahead and share with other close friends. You may find that some of them have experience miscarriage as well. I was amazed during my season of loss to learn just how many people I knew who had experienced the same things. We rarely talk about miscarriage unless it's brought up, but, once you bring it up, it seems you've opened the floodgates.

Happy transplanted resident of the "not so deep" Southsmile.gif. Married to a great man for 9 years and countinglove.gif. Mom to two wonderful gifts from God: DS (8) jog.gifalways moving, atypically thinking, ballet dancing boy and long-awaited DD (2) fly-by-nursing1.gifcuddly, curious, fearless, book loving girl.

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#4 of 4 Old 03-15-2014, 04:58 PM
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Poema I'm so sorry that your baby left this world all too soon.  It's heartbreaking and I wish that no woman even had to experience this deep loss.


I just found out this week that I had a m/c, which is my 2nd in a row, after having my son 3 years ago.


The range of emotions and questions you describe all sound perfectly reasonable with what you've gone through.  There is really no one way to grieve or no one way that you "should" be feeling - whatever you are feeling is valid.


I too feel very angry at my body for failing me, and angry that even though I follow a very healthy lifestyle, it did not make a difference. And in fact this time around I felt angry with my egg for turning out to be a blighted ovum - I feel angry that this egg wasted my "fertility window".  Our feelings may not be rational but that are genuine and always valid.


It may be difficult to determine what caused your miscarriage, but there are ways of gathering information - for example I've just had a whole barrage of blood tests to determine if I have any underlying disorders eg blood clotting, auto immune.  It's possible to test your progesterone levels as some woman are given progesterone supplements in the first trimester to support the p/g.


As for protocols - it really depends on what you feel you need from friends and family.  If there is a friend or family member that you feel will give you the support you need, you could share the news with them, and how you are feeling.  As many of us have found, some people don't know how to support you during a m/c and in fact say stupid things that end up being hurtful.  So I definitely recommend being selective about who you tell.


Personally I've found it very helpful to share my experiences with close friends and family.

41 y/o married Mama, 4 y/o DS1, Angel Baby lost in Sep 2013, Angel Baby lost March 2014, 3 months old DS2.
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