15 Week Loss ... feeling overwhelmed - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 13 Old 07-07-2014, 12:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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15 Week Loss ... feeling overwhelmed

As the title says, I was 15 weeks and went in for my routine prenatal; when the doc couldn't hear heartbeat she fired up the ultrasound and we saw the baby had died. I ended up having 3 ultrasounds that day, and the final consensus was that the baby stopped growing around 13 weeks. We had found out (through a chromosomal screening - via bloodtest, not an amniocentesis) that it was a girl, the girl that I've always wanted. I'd already seen her twice on previous ultrasounds, moving and dancing, with a strong heartbeat. I am just shocked. I wasn't really expecting this to happen (who is?) ... and sad of course.

Now I'm waiting to have a D&C in 2 days, and today I've started to have cramping and some spotting.

I have a 4 year old son, and he was so happy and excited to be a big brother. Telling him was the worst experience of my life. He was just devastated.

I guess I'm here because I need to share some feelings, but it's still hard for me to speak to others in person. I ended up texting many of my family members, and I can *write* about it, but I can't speak. My roommate (a very good friend) and I have just ignored it, because I can't bring myself to talk to her about it. I can talk to my husband a little bit, but even he thought of the baby as "not a real baby" because it was so early, and he felt kind of removed (as he wasn't carrying it).

This pregnancy was harder for me in the beginning than with my son. I had a LOT of morning sickness, to the point of not being able to do most anything on some days. I could barely eat and have lost 15lbs. Part of me feels like it was all for nothing. I don't want to hold on to that feeling, it is too bitter.

Mama to my sweet boy O  age 4; baby girl lost at 13 wks, July '14 ~ I'm a nerdy, treehugging, polytheist lady and a professional herbalist.   Three candles that illume every darkness: Truth, Nature, Knowledge. - Triads of Ireland 
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#2 of 13 Old 07-07-2014, 01:21 PM
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I am so sorry for your loss, HeckedyPeg. It sounds so puzzling and traumatic.
I am at 14 weeks today, I can't begin to imagine how devastated I would be if I was to learn my baby had stopped growing and died...
I hope you can find some solace and the right people to talk to about it. I am sorry your husband has a hard time thinking of your baby as "a real baby". My husband is a bit the same, it seems to make it harder to get him to relate or sympathize as much. Especially when things are difficult.
I send you my very best wishes, I hope you can find a way to be gentle with yourself.
I also understand feeling "like it was all for nothing", I think it can be nearly unavoidable not to adopt that attitude but I think you are smart not to want to hold on to that feeling. You shouldn't be upset at anyone, especially yourself.
Gentle healing vibes sent your way,
SF.
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#3 of 13 Old 07-08-2014, 03:33 AM
 
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So sorry.
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#4 of 13 Old 07-10-2014, 10:38 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you both.

I had the D&C yesterday, it was quick and painless. The place I was at was very nice (soothing music, nice decor, etc) and my nurse was so kind. I was there for only 3 hours. At that point I wanted it done, my body had recognized it and I was having cramps and, well, contractions. I woke up 2 nights with painful contractions, it reminded me of my first labor but was so sad and emotionally painful. I was up for a few hours before they died down- I wasn't expecting that!

I'm feeling much better physically, I don't feel pregnant anymore and that helps. Emotionally I'm still very sad and confused, but I'm trying to focus on everything good in my life, and the things I want to accomplish. It helps a bit.

Later today I'm going to do a little ritual for closure.

Anyway, I hope reading this helps someone, but if it does I'm sorry you've ever been in this position.

Mama to my sweet boy O  age 4; baby girl lost at 13 wks, July '14 ~ I'm a nerdy, treehugging, polytheist lady and a professional herbalist.   Three candles that illume every darkness: Truth, Nature, Knowledge. - Triads of Ireland 
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#5 of 13 Old 07-10-2014, 10:41 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh I wanted to add: I told my husband it was difficult to talk to him because I was hurt by his comment. We talked it through, but I still feel like this grief is much more private, and it's my pain and body that deal with it. Hard to explain. I also was able to talk to my roommate too, so at least things are less awkward in that regard.

Mama to my sweet boy O  age 4; baby girl lost at 13 wks, July '14 ~ I'm a nerdy, treehugging, polytheist lady and a professional herbalist.   Three candles that illume every darkness: Truth, Nature, Knowledge. - Triads of Ireland 
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#6 of 13 Old 07-11-2014, 07:17 PM
 
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My husband was the same about my pregnancies (one miscarriage, and my DD horn at 27 weeks)- in that it was 100% not a baby to him (until, for DD, she was born). He is very supportive of me as a person going through a health crisis (I get sick just like you) but it has nothing to do with a baby. So maybe being clear to yourself and to him about the difference- he is not a fellow grieving parent, but a husband supporting his grieving wife. So, telling him When you are frustrated and sad and worried so he can give you support (I don't know how exactly, but for me having am allowance to be unproductive, to be in the bathtub for hours, to not cook dinner, to have space to be not my normal self) but not expect g him to feel the same way. Interestingly, when DD was born at 27 weeks, sick and intubated and couldn't hold her etc, he was just over the moon happy and in love like any new dad (of a healthy baby), but I was guilty, sad, felt the loss of carrying her... I stayed at a family member's house near the NICU and my family(parents, sister, etc) came to visit, and we did usual family get-together stuff, went out to dinner, say on the porch, drank wine, talked about family stuff. My husband came by for that but he stayed at out house an hour away and worked on home improvement projects, getting the house ready for baby like dads do. Such different coping techniques, we had such different needs... And within a dew weeks sort of met at a new point. With the miscarriage I went to a few conferences alone rig after, cried in the bathtub, sat lane at the hotel bar having beer and a burger (not a lot of alcohol, I sound a bit lush but after being pregnant one drink is lovely)... Then in a few weeks started talking with him about another pregnancy, or actually more about waiting, and how he was anxious about the timing of the pregnancy I lost (notice I said "I" , not in a blaming way, but it was MY pregnancy)...

Recently Mothering had an article about encouraging dad's bonding during pregnancy and it's good to encourage it if dads want it but for my husband, there is no benefit to forcing that and it is not his inclination. He didn't even like feeling DDs movements b/c all he could envision was poop (like, moving in my intestines). We didn't have any U/S with her. He is now a baby wearing, gardening, stay at home dad so clearly it doesn't mean a thing about bonding or attachment.

I am so sorry for your baby's death. I know what you mean about it "all being for nothing", I don't know if that's a "good" or "bad" sentiment, but it is a component of how you feel and it will be with you as you recover. It felt good to safely (ie I almost had a designated mourning period staying in a hotel alone for these conferences after the miscarriage) get to some pretty low points in the weeks after my D&C (which was overall a 'pleasant' experience for me I guess you could say), to think about all the ways my body was a failure, how ultimately I feared (fear) never being able to carry another pregnancy to viability, and what if DD dies, and that I would join Doctors Without Borders if it came down to it, and I could see how people get divorced in those circumstances, and then I started coming up from that worst case scenario and feeling more like myself. But if you don't spend some time deep in the awfulness of it, if you try to stay upbeat constantly, I think it's hard to move past that.
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#7 of 13 Old 07-17-2014, 08:57 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I feel like my life is falling apart.

**** trigger warnings abound ***

My husband tried to kill himself yesterday. He used the vicodin I was given after my D&C and drank it down with whiskey and then wrapped his head in a plastic garbage bag and taped it off. I found him in our shed; he had texted early in the AM that he was going for a walk (he wakes much earlier than I for work) and when he didn't come back I was worried. I saw that he had left his keys and wallet and shoes and that the front door was bolted ... anyway I found him in the garden shed because I happened to be standing on the back patio when I was calling him and heard his phone vibrating. Thank god my roommate was there; she called 911 and I did CPR. It's a miracle that I found him at all. My son saw nothing. Now I have no idea what our life is going to be. I thought he was dead when I found him. He's so depressed and I didn't know. He hid it so well.

Mama to my sweet boy O  age 4; baby girl lost at 13 wks, July '14 ~ I'm a nerdy, treehugging, polytheist lady and a professional herbalist.   Three candles that illume every darkness: Truth, Nature, Knowledge. - Triads of Ireland 
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#8 of 13 Old 07-17-2014, 09:01 AM - Thread Starter
 
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anyway he says it's not related to the baby dying, but that if it hadn't died he wouldn't have tried (maybe having vicodin in the house gave him the first thoughts?). He told me he'd only been thinking about it for a day or two - I checked his internet history and it seems true. He spent most of tuesday reading up on how to do it. I have so many conflicted feelings - there's some dark part of him that tried to kill my husband and my sons father and I hate that part. The rest of me is glad he's alive; and scared it will happen again; and scared of what our life will be. He's always been bad at communicating, and now the trust is gone - I never NEVER thought this would happen. I've struggled with depression for years and he helped me through it - I feel guilty that I couldn't see it in him.

I guess this is now going beyond the point of this thread, but I don't know where else to put it all .. but that's all I can say anyway. I wish I could unsee what I saw yesterday.

Mama to my sweet boy O  age 4; baby girl lost at 13 wks, July '14 ~ I'm a nerdy, treehugging, polytheist lady and a professional herbalist.   Three candles that illume every darkness: Truth, Nature, Knowledge. - Triads of Ireland 
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#9 of 13 Old 07-20-2014, 05:36 AM
 
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Wow! I am so sorry! You and your family have been through so much in the past 2 weeks! I hope your husband is able to get the help he needs to feel better and realize that you and your DS need him in your lives.

Now mom to a boy born January 2010. 
Cautiously expecting Dec 2014!

 12/08 (6 weeks),  1/13 (11 weeks), &  12/13 (9.5 weeks)
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#10 of 13 Old 07-20-2014, 09:39 PM
 
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So Sorry

I felt terrible to read of your loss and then to read about your husband, just shocked me - I can't imagine how you are getting through all of this. I am so sorry. I am in the mental health profession and I am feeling moved to check if you are both getting some support. It sounds like too much to manage on your own and hopefully with some support your husband can start to face his depression and whatever else is going on. I don't mean to be preachy at all, I just want you all to have help during this very difficult and tragic time. It all sounds traumatic and I wish such deep healing and things to start to turn around for you. Please write back if you want some ideas.
Holding you in my thoughts dearly
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#11 of 13 Old 07-23-2014, 06:06 AM
 
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Oh, mama, I was so sad to read about your loss, and now your husband. I hope that you are all getting the support you need from family, your roommate, friends, and mental health professionals. I am so truly sorry for your family, but I so hope that you are all able to heal. Much light & healing vibes to you.

Mama to my little busy bee. 

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#12 of 13 Old 07-28-2014, 01:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all for the kind responses. Sorry haven't been able to check this site for a few days, it was acting buggy ...

anyway, yes, we are both getting professional help. That was my first priority as soon as we got home. I have struggled with depression myself for a few years, and already have a good support team- now we concentrate on my husband. He has a counselor he likes, has seen a psychiatrist and has started an anti-depressant (and I'm back on mine), and we have a system of checking in every night. I'm pretty angry that the so called "crisis-team" let him go home right away - pretty much every mental health person I've spoken to since then was shocked to hear that. I think it was a matter of budgets unfortunately. It was a very serious attempt, and he was very close to not making it. It's kind of a miracle I found him at all, let alone in time. I was feeling fairly anxious and overwhelmed but it's gotten easier. I can now think of the events of the day without having a panic attack. I am trusting that he's being honest with his feelings. I think he feels a certain amount of relief now that it's all out there and he's not carrying this crushing weight around on his own. He has a lot of guilt, shame, worry about what effect it had on me, feeling horrible that he could have done that to our son ... so it's a long road ahead but he's committed to getting better.

My old motto is serving me well: the only way out is through. Works for birth, works for crisis.
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Mama to my sweet boy O  age 4; baby girl lost at 13 wks, July '14 ~ I'm a nerdy, treehugging, polytheist lady and a professional herbalist.   Three candles that illume every darkness: Truth, Nature, Knowledge. - Triads of Ireland 
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#13 of 13 Old 07-28-2014, 01:27 PM
 
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praying for you & DH.
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