Miscarried & feeling like s*%# - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 07-16-2014, 03:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Miscarried & feeling like s*%#

Hey guys I'm not trying to be Debbie downer but I'm just friggin BUMMED. And I want to vent and maybe get some words of wisdom from some women who have been through a miscarriage before.

I got pregnant quite unexpectedly while on my period. Me & my boyfriend both knew we wanted to have children together and get married but of course these things take time and don't need to be rushed. We found i was pregnant while visiting with his family we were both ecstatic about it... I had an ultrasound at 5 weeks the doctor said the yolk sac was measuring small but just 3 days behind my hcg levels were 11303 and progesterone 49.7... Next visit there was a slow heartbeat under 80bpm and my hcg was 81684 and progesterone went down to 23. The doctor was rude and said i will have a miscarriage and that I should come back next week and schedule a d&c.... Obviously HELL NO. I started seeing another doctor and on the 1st of July after sex I started having some pink spotting it was brown the next couple of days and then July 4th I had a bright red spot and a couple of super small blood clots so I went to the ER ( at this point I was 12 weeks) the ultrasound showed no heartbeat and the baby measuring at 6 weeks (still ) I was absolutely heartbroken and hysterical. They told me to come back and get an ultrasound again on the 10th of July and that they scheduled the appt. they said just come here and go to the 4th floor. Cool. So those days I was spotting brown and it was getting a little stronger each day. Finally the 10th comes and I get to the hospital and they tell me I need a clinic card and that I need to hurry up and get it because they won't take me after 130pm (my appt was 1pm) I was so annoyed because no one told me that. I got the card and came back only for the woman to tell me I'm not supposed to get an ultrasound today but go to see the doctor...she walks me there and then they rudely tell me there's no appt for me and that I need to go downstairs make my co-payment and then come back up to make an appt. SCREW THAT. I left. I don't have very cheap insurance it's 500$ a month but finding a decent doctor has been friggin impossible. The next day July 11th I passed a grayish brownish clot that had no blood on it. On the 13th I started to bleed red and much heavier. Pad time no more panty liners. I went to acupunture to help the expelling process as well as her giving me herbs to take twice a day on the 14th and started bleeding heavily right after. The 15th was heavy as well and I started getting a bunch of clots coming out. By 830 pm I was having contraction like pains and then I would pass clots. And pour out lots of blood drops. Low back KILLED. I went to bed at 10pm and it took an hour to fall asleep bc of the pains. I woke up at 145 feeling very wet. Something clearish quickly spilled out of me and it was like clear but slimy when wiping....I sat on and off the toilet for hours and was passing huge bloody clot after huge bloody clot the started bleeding very heavily. I wanted to do this naturally at all costs but I DID get very scared at that point it was 3 am and I decided okay maybe I should go to the hospital although I knew all they would do is fill me up with pain killers and have me waiting around when I knew I needed a toilet handy. But I decided I'll go anyways I left the house and then realized I was wearing tight gym pants with multiple pads on probably looking like I had a diaper on and I wanted a longer sweatshirt to cover up ( how vein of me to be thinking if that ) so when I got back inside I was gushing a lot and wanting to clean up and then BOOM something huge came out and plopped in the toilet and blood poured out afterwards almosg instantly the horrific contraction like pains stopped and i felt relief....after it subsided a little i got my kitchen gloves and went diving for what I knew was my innocent little one. Sure enough it was a huge round sac that looked a bit sickly it was very dark but I could see a head and two black dots for eyes. I put him (I really believe it was a boy) In a little baggy so my boyfriend could see. He came in and looked thru it as well. We left it for an hour or two but I live in the city and don't have a backyard for proper burial and I don't want to burry the baby in the park somewhere and i didn't just want to throw him in the garbage and I also didn't want to preserve him bc I just feel I needed to let go and move forward even though I don't want to. I flushed the poor baby, at first it seemed logical and now I just feel guilty and quite frankly feel like an a$$.

My boyfriend is a very calm and positive non emotional person. Not that he doesn't have emotions but he doesn't lash out like I do. And he doesn't dwell on anything, especially negatives. He says that at least now we can plan for the baby properly so we don't have to worry about money, our separate apartments, and so we dont have to move out of the city all so abruptly since we both live here for work but know we don't want to raise a child here. He also says now we can focus on us and getting married and going on trips together and enjoy what we can before we have our next angel. I know that he's right I know that's the sensible thing to think, but I just can't help but sob when he says all of it. Because right now all I care about is this loss. And feeling the need to have a baby which I know isn't the way to think. I'm a level headed woman but right now I feel like a hormonal psychotic baby driven biotch.
Will I stop wanting to conceive so quickly?
Is it wrong to want a baby so badly now?
How many more YEARS until we will be "prepared" to have a baby? Seems like 3+ which feels too long
Am I selfish?
Will I be able to have a child? Will I be able to STAY pregnant?
What did I do wrong?
These are my thoughts right now and I can't even think about trips and marriage and happiness because I just flushed my baby away.

Emotional wreck.
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#2 of 6 Old 07-17-2014, 11:28 AM
 
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Hi Meadow, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I too had an unexpected pregnancy and loss and it was a really hard roller coaster. Try and be really really gentle with yourself and nurture yourself in anyways you can... bubble baths, gentle walks, massage, funny movies, ice cream. Acupuncture has helped me a lot, so I definitely recommend sticking with it if you can. I also took a chinese herbal remedy that helped me balance. It is okay to be angry, hormonal, sad etc etc. Miscarriage totally sucks, there is no way around it. It is crazy making dealing with grief and loss and the same time your body is going nuts hormonally. It makes it even harder that our culture doesn't do a good job acknowledging miscarriage and its emotional and physical toll. For me I think there was some nutritional imbalances from all the bleeding that made my mental state even worse, so I have been eating tons of meat and greens, taking an herbal iron tonic, making smoothies, taking fish oil, calcium and magnesium etc. Post miscarriage has been very challenging for my relationship with my partner because no matter how understanding he tries to be he just doesn't experience the same level of loss and grief as I do. Its hard for him to see me crying and sad months afterwards, and he doesn't always respond in the best way. I've had to work really hard to accept that he does care but it is different for him. I have found its really important to reach out to friends, my therapist, and on this forum rather than expecting him to process it all with me. Three months later I feel more balanced and we are stronger than ever but it has been really challenging to say the least. Sending you hugs and support. It will get better, but I know that doesn't help so much in the moment. Blessings to you.
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#3 of 6 Old 07-19-2014, 07:37 PM
 
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OMG - I am so sorry for what you went through. I have to say that was so brave to let it all happen naturally. It also sounds quite traumatic and that your system is in shock. I don't judge any feeling you are having at all. I actually think feeling crazy and psychotic after something like that is quite sane.
The pain of these losses is unbearable as I am going through my send miscarriage and I am 44 with not much hope of conceiving again.
I wish you all the best and send hope your way.
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#4 of 6 Old 07-20-2014, 06:49 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you avocet. I am so sorry for your loss. I really appreciate you reaching out to share some things with me.
Definitely taking your advice on nurturing myself. Its true we have to take care of ourselves still and feel good. Going to get my nails done and getting the extra foot massage and back massage really helps keep my mind occupied and feel relaxed. I have acupuncture tomm which im excited about...It's very true about our men though, they do care it's just not the same emotional way that we do. It's hard but I am just reading a lot of self help and positivity books and not taking anything out on him.
Did you have yours naturally? How long did you bleed for? If you don't mind me asking. I passed the sack on the 16th am and have been bleeding still like a period, last night I got cramps again and passed some more tissue and I still have cramps this morning. I'm really hoping I can just do it totally natural.
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#5 of 6 Old 07-20-2014, 06:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you haralove. I am so sorry for your losses. I will say a prayer for you and ask for miraculous things sent your way!

I'm slowly realizing the crazy psychotic thoughts are normal (thank god) haha
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#6 of 6 Old 07-26-2014, 01:33 AM
 
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Hello Meadow, I am going though my second miscarriage right now. I started bleeding last night--I was 11 weeks. Reading your story brought back many memories of my first. Especially your feelings about flushing the toilet. That was the hardest thing for me. I never looked to see what I had passed, but my largest clots I passed in a public rest room with my fist in my mouth so I wouldn't scream. I had been in so much pain up to that point, after that I felt immediately better--happy--relieved, washed my hands and walked away. But later I couldn't bear thinking about that and wondering if I just flushed my baby away with all the refuse of the world. Just wanted to say that I relate and I don't know what I will do this time.

Another thing about the bleeding. Even after the worst of it, I would stop bleeding and then start up again with bright red bleeding the next day, it really scarred me, cause I was alone with my 1 1/2 year old and my husband was away on a trip. I had a wonderful midwife tell me that I needed to stop and mourn and journal to help my body fully complete the process. I found that when I would write about what I was feeling then I would cry and then my body would cramp and bleed and do what it was supposed to do. I think it took another week after the worst of it. I hope you find peace and healing.
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