Hey guys I'm not trying to be Debbie downer but I'm just friggin BUMMED. And I want to vent and maybe get some words of wisdom from some women who have been through a miscarriage before.
I got pregnant quite unexpectedly while on my period. Me & my boyfriend both knew we wanted to have children together and get married but of course these things take time and don't need to be rushed. We found i was pregnant while visiting with his family we were both ecstatic about it... I had an ultrasound at 5 weeks the doctor said the yolk sac was measuring small but just 3 days behind my hcg levels were 11303 and progesterone 49.7... Next visit there was a slow heartbeat under 80bpm and my hcg was 81684 and progesterone went down to 23. The doctor was rude and said i will have a miscarriage and that I should come back next week and schedule a d&c.... Obviously HELL NO. I started seeing another doctor and on the 1st of July after sex I started having some pink spotting it was brown the next couple of days and then July 4th I had a bright red spot and a couple of super small blood clots so I went to the ER ( at this point I was 12 weeks) the ultrasound showed no heartbeat and the baby measuring at 6 weeks (still
) I was absolutely heartbroken and hysterical. They told me to come back and get an ultrasound again on the 10th of July and that they scheduled the appt. they said just come here and go to the 4th floor. Cool. So those days I was spotting brown and it was getting a little stronger each day. Finally the 10th comes and I get to the hospital and they tell me I need a clinic card and that I need to hurry up and get it because they won't take me after 130pm (my appt was 1pm) I was so annoyed because no one told me that. I got the card and came back only for the woman to tell me I'm not supposed to get an ultrasound today but go to see the doctor...she walks me there and then they rudely tell me there's no appt for me and that I need to go downstairs make my co-payment and then come back up to make an appt. SCREW THAT. I left. I don't have very cheap insurance it's 500$ a month but finding a decent doctor has been friggin impossible. The next day July 11th I passed a grayish brownish clot that had no blood on it. On the 13th I started to bleed red and much heavier. Pad time no more panty liners. I went to acupunture to help the expelling process as well as her giving me herbs to take twice a day on the 14th and started bleeding heavily right after. The 15th was heavy as well and I started getting a bunch of clots coming out. By 830 pm I was having contraction like pains and then I would pass clots. And pour out lots of blood drops. Low back KILLED. I went to bed at 10pm and it took an hour to fall asleep bc of the pains. I woke up at 145 feeling very wet. Something clearish quickly spilled out of me and it was like clear but slimy when wiping....I sat on and off the toilet for hours and was passing huge bloody clot after huge bloody clot the started bleeding very heavily. I wanted to do this naturally at all costs but I DID get very scared at that point it was 3 am and I decided okay maybe I should go to the hospital although I knew all they would do is fill me up with pain killers and have me waiting around when I knew I needed a toilet handy. But I decided I'll go anyways I left the house and then realized I was wearing tight gym pants with multiple pads on probably looking like I had a diaper on and I wanted a longer sweatshirt to cover up ( how vein of me to be thinking if that
) so when I got back inside I was gushing a lot and wanting to clean up and then BOOM something huge came out and plopped in the toilet and blood poured out afterwards almosg instantly the horrific contraction like pains stopped and i felt relief....after it subsided a little i got my kitchen gloves and went diving for what I knew was my innocent little one. Sure enough it was a huge round sac that looked a bit sickly it was very dark but I could see a head and two black dots for eyes. I put him (I really believe it was a boy) In a little baggy so my boyfriend could see. He came in and looked thru it as well. We left it for an hour or two but I live in the city and don't have a backyard for proper burial and I don't want to burry the baby in the park somewhere and i didn't just want to throw him in the garbage and I also didn't want to preserve him bc I just feel I needed to let go and move forward even though I don't want to. I flushed the poor baby, at first it seemed logical and now I just feel guilty and quite frankly feel like an a$$.
My boyfriend is a very calm and positive non emotional person. Not that he doesn't have emotions but he doesn't lash out like I do. And he doesn't dwell on anything, especially negatives. He says that at least now we can plan for the baby properly so we don't have to worry about money, our separate apartments, and so we dont have to move out of the city all so abruptly since we both live here for work but know we don't want to raise a child here. He also says now we can focus on us and getting married and going on trips together and enjoy what we can before we have our next angel. I know that he's right I know that's the sensible thing to think, but I just can't help but sob when he says all of it. Because right now all I care about is this loss. And feeling the need to have a baby which I know isn't the way to think. I'm a level headed woman but right now I feel like a hormonal psychotic baby driven biotch.
Will I stop wanting to conceive so quickly?
Is it wrong to want a baby so badly now?
How many more YEARS until we will be "prepared" to have a baby? Seems like 3+ which feels too long
Am I selfish?
Will I be able to have a child? Will I be able to STAY pregnant?
What did I do wrong?
These are my thoughts right now and I can't even think about trips and marriage and happiness because I just flushed my baby away.