Older mom with no more hope
It feels so vulnerable to post but I sit here and read your stories and am so amazed by what we go through and how much grief there is to share. I thought I'd try and maybe it would help.
I just turned 44 and I have an amazing little girl (5 yrs). My husband and I started trying last May and since then I have had 2 unsuccessful pregnancies both ending around 9 weeks. I found out I was pregnant this time the day before my 44th birthday and I felt so blessed, like the universe smiled upon me and said with so much love - "Happy Birthday". About ten days ago at my third ultrasound there was no heartbeat found. I felt like I was reliving a nightmare from the year before where the exact same thing happened on the third ultrasound visit. As I write it I still can't believe it happened again, the same way, the same time, the same everything. I feel like my precious gift was taken away from me, with no explanation no warning, no concern for how it would affect me. ( I am angry) All I do is cry. I pull it together for my daughter but otherwise I am not really functioning well.
I did a D&C because I wanted to run tests and try to find out what happened. Last time it was a chromosome thing and somehow that at least helped me feel it wasn't my fault.
I am feeling so incredibly empty and sad because I am 44 and my hopes and dreams for a bigger family feel over. I can't go through this again, even if I had the stamina and energy to try again I don't think I can take the risk. I can't go through this a third time. I feel I need to let go, but right now I don't know how and I don't want to. There is something about not having any more hope, of this being the end of the possibility, of being an older woman with no more options, no good eggs. Somewhere in the back of my mind I know I will have a good life ultimately, but I wanted to be a mom to more, to see what other amazing person my husband and I could crete with our love. I was so excited, so hopeful and I let myself really want it even though it felt so scary because I knew about these chances.
I can't help but regret so many of my life choices that led me to this moment. I know and understand why I went for motherhood late in life but none of that makes a difference right now and I am scared I will feel this emptiness forever. I doubt not having done some intense fertility intervention a year or 2 ago but it just didn't feel right then, I couldn't go there but I wonder if I should have.
And I keep feeling I am less of a mother, less of a woman somehow if I go through my life with one child. Again, logically I know not true but emotionally thats where I go.
I just have so much to work through and it all feels overwhelming. I know I am lucky, some people don't even have one, but that thought doesn't help yet. The pain takes over my whole being and the tears are endless. I feel like I am wining a bit here, like I should be stronger but I want to share the truth, and this is it.
Thank you for listening, I am so sorry for all you are going through and I feel tremendous love and respect for women and this path we share together.