I was informed that I had a missed miscarriage (11 weeks LMP, only 7 weeks developed) on the 9th of June, and have had a horrible month, ending in an emergency D&C. Throughout this horrible experience I have been told many times that I was over reacting, or otherwise been expected to carry on as nothing was happening. I guess I just want to vent my experience here, and ask for some kind words from anyone willing to read through this... sorry this is very long...
On the 8th of June I went to my midwife for a check up, and ultrasound to get a better idea of a due date (I have really long cycles that make it hard to pin down ovulation). The midwife told me that baby had stopped developing at 7 weeks, and that there was no heartbeat. I was sent for a second opinion, and same result. I was immediately scheduled for an appointment with the affiliated OB to determine "what steps were next". I decided to go the misoprostol route.
I took the pills that afternoon. If you can believe it, I decided to not to postpone taking the pills because my MIL insisted on celebrating my husband and sister in law's birthday the next day, even though we asked for her to change the date several times. In fairness, she knew nothing of the pregnancy or miscarriage at this point, but the culture of the family is one of zero sympathy, and heavy judgement against any person that shares/has difficulty in their life, accompanied by attempts to force that person to act as if everything is just peachy. Keeping them in the dark protected me against a running commentary about how I was reacting to crippling morning sickness and prenatal depression, and after the miscarriage protected me against her meddling while my body did what it needed to do.
My husband and I tried to keep up a front of quiet wellness throughout everything. But as the month went on, I became exhausted like I've never been before. Apparently becoming very anemic. I kept passing huge clots, but the nurse from the OB office told me I was overreacting, and that what I was experiencing was totally normal. But something in my gut told me something was wrong. Then on the 26th my bleeding went from dark to bright red, and I would have these... episodes, lasting 3 hours or so where I would bleed so badly, and pass huge clots, that I would need to change pads every 15 minutes. I called the OB office again, and was told I was overreacting. This was nearly 3 weeks after taking the pills. And the sudden change in color and amount of blood- I was sure something wasn't right. My husband was frightened by this whole situation, and called around to get a second opinion on what was "normal". No appointment was available anywhere for 2 days. The episodes continued and terrified us through the weekend. I went to my appointment with the new OB Monday morning, and was told "nope not normal", but you're fine for now. Was scheduled for an ultrasound the next day. Was sent home, and started bleeding more than I had even seen before. Pads were a joke. I had to stay on the toilet. I called the OB I saw for a second opinion, and she said "get to the ER".
Enter the horrible MIL. We were scared, and needed care for our 5 year old, and we had no idea how long we would need help with her. We saw no other choice but to ask for help with childcare from my in laws. My husband called my MIL, and her first response to the news that 1) I had been pregnant, 2) that I had miscarried, and 3) that I was bleeding so badly we were going to the ER was: "The ER? why? what for?" My husband told her that our OB determined that I was _hemorrhaging_ and needed to go to the ER, and she reluctantly agreed to come to get our daughter. She took _forever_ getting to us, and showed up like nothing was going on, and said "sorry- I was getting gas". Then she looks at me and says "ok, see you later". We go to the ER, where things were insanely slow and bureaucratic, but very compassionate, gentle and competent. Two hours into our wait for an ultrasound (to identify where the retained tissue was) MIL calls my husband and says that they will happen to be by our house within the hour, and could they return our daughter to us then? My husband was incredulous, and said no, and that they would likely need to keep her for the night. They reluctantly agreed. I can't imagine what they were thinking. You can't "walk off" hemorrhaging. Pretending nothing is wrong when hemorrhaging leads to death, I'm pretty sure. Later that evening, after the ultrasound, but before the hospital OBGYN had come to transfer me to their department for the D&C, MIL called again and asked when the following morning she could drop my daughter off. My husband was incredulous again, and said that she should plan on keeping her at least through the end of the work day. I was discharged at 3 am, sent home, slept. My husband had to go to work, so I just slept all day. Then I get a call that the in laws want to go out to dinner near us, and that way everyone gets fed, and they get to drop off our daughter. I'm too fuzzy headed to say that it's not a great idea, so we go. They pretend nothing has happened. A little over 12 hours before I was in surgery to save my life, and there we are pretending like nothing has happened. In fact, MIL tells me how great it is to be a grandparent, because you don't have to follow parenting rules, and shares that she let my daughter stay up till midnight, skip nap, eat candy and do a bunch of other things that I have rules against. So, my daughter is a hellion at dinner- overtired, sugar saturated and rule testing. And I'm the one trying to manage her behavior! The drugs from the D&C were still floating around my system, and soothing and disciplining her was sooo hard- my brain felt like running though concrete.
That was Tuesday. No word from them at all till Thursday, when we start getting harassed about going to a 4th of July party on Friday (yes, the 3rd). Its a big family ordeal. And the calls and texts keep coming. she won't stop with the questions "why not?", "oh come on", "what if we do x, y or z"? The only answer she would accept would be a yes. My husband had to work, so I took my daughter by myself to the party, which started at 8 pm and went to 11. Which isn't great timing for a 5 year old, or my anemic person. No one so much as asked me how I was doing. and as I'm leaving, my MIL invites herself over to our house the following morning for our neighborhood 4th of July parade. Our house was a wreck, b/c DH had been working so much, and I was busy either losing blood, or recovering from the D&C. And I wasn't sure if we would necessarily participate in the parade because we were all so tired. DH texted his Mom and told her that he wasn't sure of the time of the parade, and would get back to her. He tells me that this phrasing is the only way to get off the hook- if you say "no" she boundary stomps and pushes, but if you say "maybe" and put her off till its too late, you can make things work out. And that's what happened. On to that evening, the 4th of July, my sister in law invites us all over to her house, and local fireworks. More of the same bullshit. Ending in my inlaws not telling me how far the walk was to where they wanted to see the fireworks, and me walking 2 miles to where they were being set off. We could have seen them from my sister in laws house. But nooooo. FIL and MIL like to be close.
so I'm exhausted. I have crushing headaches related to blood loss. I haven't even really processed the miscarriage. I have twinges of panic surrounding memories of the gushing blood and the D&C. I had cramping earlier today, and I'm near-tears scared that I'll start bleeding again. And the people I have most contact with are pushing, pushing that nothing is wrong, and that I need to do more, and be more-than normal.
So sorry for this epically long post. Any kind words would be soo appreciated.
On the 8th of June I went to my midwife for a check up, and ultrasound to get a better idea of a due date (I have really long cycles that make it hard to pin down ovulation). The midwife told me that baby had stopped developing at 7 weeks, and that there was no heartbeat. I was sent for a second opinion, and same result. I was immediately scheduled for an appointment with the affiliated OB to determine "what steps were next". I decided to go the misoprostol route.
I took the pills that afternoon. If you can believe it, I decided to not to postpone taking the pills because my MIL insisted on celebrating my husband and sister in law's birthday the next day, even though we asked for her to change the date several times. In fairness, she knew nothing of the pregnancy or miscarriage at this point, but the culture of the family is one of zero sympathy, and heavy judgement against any person that shares/has difficulty in their life, accompanied by attempts to force that person to act as if everything is just peachy. Keeping them in the dark protected me against a running commentary about how I was reacting to crippling morning sickness and prenatal depression, and after the miscarriage protected me against her meddling while my body did what it needed to do.
My husband and I tried to keep up a front of quiet wellness throughout everything. But as the month went on, I became exhausted like I've never been before. Apparently becoming very anemic. I kept passing huge clots, but the nurse from the OB office told me I was overreacting, and that what I was experiencing was totally normal. But something in my gut told me something was wrong. Then on the 26th my bleeding went from dark to bright red, and I would have these... episodes, lasting 3 hours or so where I would bleed so badly, and pass huge clots, that I would need to change pads every 15 minutes. I called the OB office again, and was told I was overreacting. This was nearly 3 weeks after taking the pills. And the sudden change in color and amount of blood- I was sure something wasn't right. My husband was frightened by this whole situation, and called around to get a second opinion on what was "normal". No appointment was available anywhere for 2 days. The episodes continued and terrified us through the weekend. I went to my appointment with the new OB Monday morning, and was told "nope not normal", but you're fine for now. Was scheduled for an ultrasound the next day. Was sent home, and started bleeding more than I had even seen before. Pads were a joke. I had to stay on the toilet. I called the OB I saw for a second opinion, and she said "get to the ER".
Enter the horrible MIL. We were scared, and needed care for our 5 year old, and we had no idea how long we would need help with her. We saw no other choice but to ask for help with childcare from my in laws. My husband called my MIL, and her first response to the news that 1) I had been pregnant, 2) that I had miscarried, and 3) that I was bleeding so badly we were going to the ER was: "The ER? why? what for?" My husband told her that our OB determined that I was _hemorrhaging_ and needed to go to the ER, and she reluctantly agreed to come to get our daughter. She took _forever_ getting to us, and showed up like nothing was going on, and said "sorry- I was getting gas". Then she looks at me and says "ok, see you later". We go to the ER, where things were insanely slow and bureaucratic, but very compassionate, gentle and competent. Two hours into our wait for an ultrasound (to identify where the retained tissue was) MIL calls my husband and says that they will happen to be by our house within the hour, and could they return our daughter to us then? My husband was incredulous, and said no, and that they would likely need to keep her for the night. They reluctantly agreed. I can't imagine what they were thinking. You can't "walk off" hemorrhaging. Pretending nothing is wrong when hemorrhaging leads to death, I'm pretty sure. Later that evening, after the ultrasound, but before the hospital OBGYN had come to transfer me to their department for the D&C, MIL called again and asked when the following morning she could drop my daughter off. My husband was incredulous again, and said that she should plan on keeping her at least through the end of the work day. I was discharged at 3 am, sent home, slept. My husband had to go to work, so I just slept all day. Then I get a call that the in laws want to go out to dinner near us, and that way everyone gets fed, and they get to drop off our daughter. I'm too fuzzy headed to say that it's not a great idea, so we go. They pretend nothing has happened. A little over 12 hours before I was in surgery to save my life, and there we are pretending like nothing has happened. In fact, MIL tells me how great it is to be a grandparent, because you don't have to follow parenting rules, and shares that she let my daughter stay up till midnight, skip nap, eat candy and do a bunch of other things that I have rules against. So, my daughter is a hellion at dinner- overtired, sugar saturated and rule testing. And I'm the one trying to manage her behavior! The drugs from the D&C were still floating around my system, and soothing and disciplining her was sooo hard- my brain felt like running though concrete.
That was Tuesday. No word from them at all till Thursday, when we start getting harassed about going to a 4th of July party on Friday (yes, the 3rd). Its a big family ordeal. And the calls and texts keep coming. she won't stop with the questions "why not?", "oh come on", "what if we do x, y or z"? The only answer she would accept would be a yes. My husband had to work, so I took my daughter by myself to the party, which started at 8 pm and went to 11. Which isn't great timing for a 5 year old, or my anemic person. No one so much as asked me how I was doing. and as I'm leaving, my MIL invites herself over to our house the following morning for our neighborhood 4th of July parade. Our house was a wreck, b/c DH had been working so much, and I was busy either losing blood, or recovering from the D&C. And I wasn't sure if we would necessarily participate in the parade because we were all so tired. DH texted his Mom and told her that he wasn't sure of the time of the parade, and would get back to her. He tells me that this phrasing is the only way to get off the hook- if you say "no" she boundary stomps and pushes, but if you say "maybe" and put her off till its too late, you can make things work out. And that's what happened. On to that evening, the 4th of July, my sister in law invites us all over to her house, and local fireworks. More of the same bullshit. Ending in my inlaws not telling me how far the walk was to where they wanted to see the fireworks, and me walking 2 miles to where they were being set off. We could have seen them from my sister in laws house. But nooooo. FIL and MIL like to be close.
so I'm exhausted. I have crushing headaches related to blood loss. I haven't even really processed the miscarriage. I have twinges of panic surrounding memories of the gushing blood and the D&C. I had cramping earlier today, and I'm near-tears scared that I'll start bleeding again. And the people I have most contact with are pushing, pushing that nothing is wrong, and that I need to do more, and be more-than normal.
So sorry for this epically long post. Any kind words would be soo appreciated.