Hope of meeting my son - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 12-08-2001, 04:26 AM - Thread Starter
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I can honestly say that having my daughter helped me to totally recover from the loss of my first child, Aidan. My Mother In Law had a stillbirth at 8 months, before she concieced my husband. It is hard not to wonder, would I have married Aaron had he not died, instead of Dh, who would never have been born? How confusing. All I know is that I have a brother in law and a child waiting for me in heaven who never had to deal with the pain and reality of this world. How lucky they are! Yet, how lucky I am to have the opportunity to get to know my Lucy. Just sharing my heart. Sorry to ramble.

Just your typical non-theistic, liberal, blended family.

Thank you, Mothering, for the past twelve years of support and community. I look forward to many more.

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#2 of 5 Old 12-08-2001, 05:47 AM
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I lost 2 babies before Saffron. Both within 6 months of each other. The first was ectopic & the second died in utero. I found out when I was 16 weeks pregnant. Then about 5 months later I conceived Saffron. I'm not sure that having her has helped me heal completely. It has distracted me from what has happened. I have friends who have lost babies who never been able to have other babies & they are very bitter still about the experience. Mind you, both of them had ectopic pregnancies & they are nasty. Very different from losing a baby any other way. Having Saffron has fulfilled the need I had for a child after I lost the other 2, but not one day goes by that I do not look at her & know what i have lost. I don't think you totally heal. More you get used to the pain & let it go a bit. there will always be scars.
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#3 of 5 Old 12-08-2001, 08:40 AM
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OM - You just said what I've felt for years! My resolution was the day I put together a wall with small mementos of my daughter. It's in the hallway and I can walk by and reflect when I need to. People stop sometimes and look. Some are uncomfortable, some ask questions.

I've come to believe that Grief is a journey in life. It has no beginning, no end. We just travel the path. I found a way to make my daughter a part of our lives - no, not dwelling. Just healing and not forgetting.

Lila, it is confusing. My son is sitting on the couch in front of me now reading Harry Potter. I look at him and I'm overwhelmed with feelings.


I think of you still my first child
as a new heart beats in my womb
I should be thinking of him
but instead...
...I'm thinking of you

we waited so long for you to be
but you had no breath when you came to me
born a dream
a distant memory

Now a new heart is beating
your an older sister
and you've only been gone
six short months

Why are you gone?
I should be loving this new life
but instead I'm still mourning you
what's a broken hearted mother to do
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#4 of 5 Old 12-08-2001, 04:14 PM
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Yes, grief is a life-long journey, with ups and downs and pauses and accelerations. Eight years ago, my first-born was born still at 42 weeks. I was, as I'm sure you all can relate, so completely and utterly devastated. I did not have another child until two weeks short of two years later. Having my second son did go a long way towards my healing, but could not make me forget the pain of loss.

I've done a lot of grief work and I feel that all things considered, I have coped well. Even so, I have thought of my first child every single day since his birth/death and will most likely continue to do so. It's not always with sadness, but always with love and sometimes with matter-of-factness. I wonder what kind of child he would be and what it would be like to have three living children instead of two. Would they all have looked similar? What would it be like to mother three boys? Last year in the Fall I was struck with a fresh round of grief when I realized he would have started 1st grade then, grief being less intense and of shorter duration than earlier on. It comes and goes and I let it flow as needed.

Of course, our children are our greatest teachers and my first was no exception. While the events of his birth were quite horrible, there was an awesome quality to our lives at the same time which made me particularly aware of something much larger than myself. I don't know if I could put what I mean into words here, but it certainly made a lasting effect on me and how I live my life.

I've been blessed with so much love in my life with my boys and my husband. I just never take it for granted because who knows what the future holds.
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#5 of 5 Old 12-09-2001, 06:22 AM
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it does offer some comfort to know they are waiting for you...

just hold your dd tight....

ramble away...that what this board is for...

Not all those who wander are lost 
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