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Originally Posted by moma justice
i have had 3 m/c and i am only 25....i now have a dd who is 2 yrs old....i spent the entire first 3 years of my 20's (and marriage) preg, m/c, and trying to get over it
1st m/c was the saddest b/c i just coul dnot believe that it was happening...it was such a shock.
i had just turned 20 and gotten married, this was my love child.
my dh and i were clueless kids, crazy in love, and scared out of our minds.
i started spotting, my midwife put me on bedrest and for a couple of days the cramps would come adn go, getting worse at night...then one night the bleeding was getting heavier adn heavier and we knew it was over...
my dh would call and check in with the midwife from time to time. i got in and out of the shower
i just remember feeling like i was rushing under the waves of a stormy sea and being sucked out of this world
i felt the saddest i had ever felt, i would clutch my dh and we would both be crying and feeling so in lov ewith eachother and so sad and so proud at how brave adn strong we were and so devestated at the loss, and scared.
it was the holiest thing i had ever been part of
it WAS birth
and i was so hyper aware that of the awful paradox of birthing death.
i still taste that irony (6-7 years after)
that it is so powerful and holy to give birth (which means life) to the death of your child...and wanting it to just be over, for the AWFUL pain to stop (i mean physically) but knowing that when i stopped laboring i would not have my baby, infact the moment that she was born was the moment she was gone from me forever, until that point she was still mine, inside my womb.
i birthed her into a bluewillow china punch bowl
she had died/stopped growing at about 6 weeks but i lost her at about 12 weeks.
she was tiny she did not have a tail anymore. i dreamed about her the next night...it was more of an out of body exp...i got up to pee adn she was sitting on the kitchen floor (about 3 yers old) sloshing her hands around in the bowl of blood....i picked her up and wiped her blood on my night gown and sat down to rock her....i woke up in the rocking chair with blood all over my night gown.
i grieved that loss hard, it took another week to pass the placenta...i spent almost a month in bed crying
i had been so young and innocent and full of promise, that loss made me feel so scared, like if that awful thing could happen to ME, then anything could, i was scared to be home alone, scared to walk around by myself in our town, just scared. i had had my whole world pulled out from under me and i was just waiting for something really awful to happen next.
that was a lot i think i will come back anothe rnight to write the other times...
nicole , mom to 3 boys here on earth 9, 7 and 4.5 and 2 girl's 2.5 and 10/16/11. Always remembering my babies in heaven: Sam (9/7/05) at 12.5 wks , Morgan (2/13/06) at 6 wks , Emeric (8/9/10 at 17 wks) and Pepper (11/26/10) at 8wks.
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