EXACTLY what to expect with a m/c~~Please tell your stories~~what do you see? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 437 Old 07-26-2005, 03:43 AM
 
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#62 of 437 Old 07-26-2005, 03:45 AM
 
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#63 of 437 Old 07-26-2005, 03:45 AM
 
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#64 of 437 Old 07-26-2005, 03:46 AM
 
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#65 of 437 Old 07-26-2005, 03:47 AM
 
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#66 of 437 Old 07-26-2005, 03:48 AM
 
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#67 of 437 Old 07-26-2005, 05:40 AM
 
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*sigh*
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#68 of 437 Old 07-27-2005, 03:24 PM
 
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Naturallia,

wow.... I can't even imagine going through half of the things that you have gone through. I know that you must have heard this before and it is not very comforting, but... YOU ARE SO STRONG! I also hope that Ariana is the last child that you have to lose. Why we are put through these painful experiences, I don't know. But I believe that you are never given more than you can handle, so that says a lot about you I wish you the best of luck and I hope your days are filled with more happiness.
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#69 of 437 Old 07-27-2005, 05:34 PM
 
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#70 of 437 Old 08-04-2005, 05:22 PM
 
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My Missed MC at 13wks1day

My first u/s was on 7/1/05 the midwife measured the baby at 6wks 4days i knew that was wrong right then since i should have been 10wks or so then.
7/12 i just start gushing red blood i go to the ER and sorta told that i am deff having a m/c. was also told my uterus was around the 11wk mark and that what was inside was still the 6wk4day range.

7/19 i went into horrible labor early in the morning i finally passed the baby , it was deff like the say it looks whiteish grey. so i put it in a baggy and took it to me with my doc appt that had been set up on 7/1 because she wanted to wait 2wks do another u/s to check for a heartbeat and re measured. so then they sent it down to the lab and they found out that i did pass it totally intact.


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#71 of 437 Old 08-04-2005, 08:39 PM
 
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Hi Everyone! My first time to post on this thread. I just had a miscarriage this Tuesday, August 2nd- I was 12w4d. Found out on Monday afternoon that baby had died within last 24-48 hours- it was the exact size it should have been. No heartbeat with excessive edema under skin- doctor said could have been Turner's Syndrome girl. At 9w5d (previous OB appt.), there had been a strong heartbeat of 160 bpm, so I assumed, or at least hoped that everything was progressing.
Mine was a missed abortion- closed cervix, no bleeding or cramping. Doctor recommended D+C, which I wanted. I can't imagine allowing the fetus to pass at home- just not for me. Plus, at 12+ weeks, there could be risk of severe blood loss and infection- I'm really bad with blood. Procedure went smoothely; I had general anesthesia.
I'm still spotting red/translucent with bits of brown tissue. I'm hopefull that my DH and I can bounce back and start again in 3 months. This was my first pregnancy, and we were able to concieve the 2nd month. I soooo don't want to go through this again. It's getting better everyday, but I still breakdown- especially when talking to friends for the first time, seeing flowers, hearing today that my childhood best friend just delivered a baby boy the same day as my miscarriage- even though I'm so happy for her- they had tried for over 2 years to just get pregnant.
It's really a comfort to hear everyone's stories- it makes me feel less alone. Thanks for listening!
-klenna
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#72 of 437 Old 08-04-2005, 11:04 PM
 
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HUGS Klenna

i'm shocked that the night i went to Er when the bleeding started and they didnt offer me a D&C when it was confermed what i already knew on 7/1 but no one believed me on how far i should have been :


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#73 of 437 Old 08-05-2005, 11:21 AM
 
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You are a strong woman! I'm sorry to hear about your experience. Buckets of luck to both of us next time around. My husband and I will keep trying for our first baby.
-klenna
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#74 of 437 Old 08-05-2005, 01:22 PM
 
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They didn't offer me a DC either.
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#75 of 437 Old 08-05-2005, 09:01 PM
 
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In a weird way it is almost theraputic to read all these posts.

Mine is almost the same as the Original Poster's post. I found out on Tuesday that my pregnancy was a Blighted Ovum because they had taken blood last week just to see how the numbers were doing and they went down significantly. Started spotting Wednesday, light bleeding yesterday and today had medium bleeding with little clots. Around 3pm I was lying with my DD on the couch watching a movie and felt a gush and though, "I just put on a new pad, it'll be OK" then a second right after. I had soaked through EVERYthing and when I got to the bathroom there was another big gush. I just sat there a while and looked at everything. I never saw any whitish material but there was a handfull of big chunks that looked like placenta.

I did want to say thanks to everyone for posting there stories!
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#76 of 437 Old 08-05-2005, 09:45 PM
 
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Hugs Hugs Hugs

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#77 of 437 Old 08-05-2005, 11:12 PM
 
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I just found out that the couple who lives next to us (our age- early 30s) is pregnant and due on Feb 16- I was supposed to be due on Feb 12. There is no way I would say anything to them about my week now. So I'd had a good day, but now I'm totally bummin'. She was talking about all her symptoms, as in "this is what you can expect when decide to have a baby...". It's o.k.- she didn't know. I didn't want to spoil her exciting news.
-klenna
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#78 of 437 Old 08-05-2005, 11:15 PM
 
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Major Hugs Klennna on having to deal with the neighbor talking about her preggo symptoms HUGS

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#79 of 437 Old 08-11-2005, 10:59 PM
 
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http://www.humpath.com/rubrique.php3?id_rubrique=170

I found some interesting pictures of fetuses at various ages. These are very clear, medical pictures that I thought might add to the thread. Back to lurkdom!
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#80 of 437 Old 08-21-2005, 05:49 AM
 
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I am very glad this thread is here. There does seem to be a "common hush" to talking about m/c. I am very lucky to have a group of supportive mamas IRL, and one or two have shared there own stories. Even a few sentences written on a post are illuminating.

I began spotting on Thursday morning. I knew something was wrong because the blood was red. It reminded me of the very start of a period. The fresh blood did not return that morning, and faded to brown spotting. I almost didn't go in for an ultrasound. I decided my crampy feeling was indigestion, and the spotting related to sex my dh and I had had three days earlier. I did go for an u/s, and I could see the baby and there was no heartbeat. My uterus measured 10 weeks (I was 11 from LMP), and my baby only measured 8.5 weeks. Tears were streaming down my face. I felt so shocked. I was given the option of D&C, 4 pills placed inside vagina to induce (done at home by Rx), or allowing it to occur naturally. I decided on the latter.

I began bleeding in Ernest on Saturday evening (today). At about 9pm I passed a large sac. I reached for it in the toilet, and I felt strong "No". I was going to bury it by the apple tree, and listened to that no and flushed it down.

Immediately after I passed the sac I felt lighter. The bleeding is still bad, but is not gushing quite as much.

I'm still trying to figure out what this means, and to feel hope instead of sadness and hopelessness. I guess the reality is I will feel both.

I feel very sad. My best and healing to the women on this thread who have also suffered loss.
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#81 of 437 Old 08-24-2005, 08:11 PM
 
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Wow, my heart goes out to you all...this is my first post. I found this site three weeks ago when I deduced that I was pregnant. It was still too early to test, at just 4 weeks from my last period, but I knew what was going on...in addition to exhaustion and nausea, my otherwise modest breasts already felt like big water balloons en flambe. I also knew the conception date was right on with ovulation.

The miscarriage started the day before we were leaving on vacation. I spotted light pink the day before, but wondered if it was implantation (this was my first pregnancy). When I woke the next day, my breast pain and heaviness had decreased. When I was headed to the bathroom I felt a period like rush and saw that it was very red blood, nothing like my dark period blood. I went to work to tie up loose ends before we left for vacation and continued to bleed with some clotting, heavy cramping and back pain. I finally called my husband to ask him to pick me up and I broke down when I saw him.

I bled for a total of three days. Other than the heavy, period-style cramping and backache, the physical pain was minimal. I was lucky to be leaving for a very exciting family vacation to keep my mind occupied. Though we were not ttc, I really miss the excitement and mystery of being pregnant, and we are both eager to be again.
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#82 of 437 Old 08-24-2005, 10:12 PM
 
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Wow. I am so emotional reading through this thread. I just had my third miscarriage in 8 years. I'm still bleeding actually.
I lost at 11 weeks but had a "5-week" embryo according to the ultrasound so I guess the last six weeks I've not had a live one. So hard to take.
I began to spot (pink) and went to the hospital. HCG level was 14,008
Had a rotten Dr. so I don't know level since it went to 600 in early pregnancy.
Maybe I had what is called a blighted ovum?
Anyway, I passed clots as big as silver dollars and 1/4" or more thick. Some had grayish white parts to them. I never got to see a sack but was very mucusy at beginning of m/c. I actually stopped bleeding for over 24 hours but am lightly bleeding again. This started 8 days ago.
I never saw a baby to grieve for but my grief is pretty deep when it's here.
My emotional pain comes and goes and today has been rotten.

Thanks for being here.
.
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#83 of 437 Old 08-25-2005, 05:37 PM
 
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I had a miscarriage about a year ago, but it wasnt' a huge shock as I have PCOS.
I had foudn out I was pregnant about 2 weeks before I started EXTREMELY LIGHT spotting which went on for about 3 days - I dont' remember too well. Then I felt like I had a stomach flu and went home from work. I was laying in bed on my side trying to make the cramping stop - it was pretty mild so I didnt think it was a huge problem. I got up to go to the bathroom, sat on the toilet and it felt liek my uterus threw up (I can't think of a better way to describe it.) The fetus looked like a shrimp, but I didn't have my glasses on and was pretty freaked out so I didn't really "investigate". I had more cramping and "expulsions" for several hours and then all of a sudden it just stopped. I took a shower and went to bed.
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#84 of 437 Old 08-29-2005, 04:49 AM
 
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At a routine prenatal appointment at 11 weeks, my midwife was unable to find the baby's heartbeat with the doppler. I had seen the baby and heartbeat on a 7 week ultrasound (for dating purposed b/c I was not ovulating regularly), so I wasn't very worried. She though that maybe my uterus was tilted. I was sent for an ultrasound and devastated to see that the baby no longer had a heartbeat. It looked like the baby had stopped growing shortly after that first ultrasound.

The Ob/Gyn who works with my midwife group came in to speak with me. He explained the factual information about miscarriage and said that it was likely a chromosomal abnormality. He was pretty caring, apologized for my loss, and offered for me to use the telephone to call someone. He said that I could wait for my body to miscarry naturally, which could take days to weeks. He also said I could use medication (misoprostol) to stimulate contractions or have a D&C. I told him that I would like to miscarry naturally and he said that was fine.

One of the midwives also came to see me as I was leaving. She was on call at the hospital where I had the ultrasound and had heard the bad news from the doctor. She gave me a huge hug and let me cry in her arms. She also discussed the options with me.

It was almost 2 weeks before I began spotting. I went back to the midwives' office on a Friday because I needed to receive Rhogam. I had spotted for a few days and the bleeding was not increasing. She discussed with me how I might consider using the misoprostol to increase contractions. She said that my risk of infection increased if the tissue didn't all come out and that the misoprostol would help with this and reduce the chances that I would need a D&C. I told her that I would wait out the weekend to see if the bleeding increased.

I really wanted to miscarry naturally, but my bleeding did not increase. I kept thinking that I did not want to take any risks of infection because I have a wonderful 2 year old son whom I love more than anything in the world. I decided that I would use the misoprostol. I inserted the three tablets into my vagina on Sunday evening at 5:30. I was sobbing and shaking at having to do that, but I just kept thinking about my son. I laid in bed for a while. At about 7:30, I started to have craming and some light bleeding. The cramping became pretty painful, but was not unbearable. The cramps stopped at 10:30 and I decided to go to bed. I woke up at 11:30 to a huge gush of blood. It soaked my maxipad and my underwear. As I ran to the bathroom, I felt a clot fall into my underwear. It was about a 3 inch clump of blood. Another one fell into the toilet along with so much blood. I used a slotted spoon to dig the clots out of the toilet to make sure they weren't the baby.

I was starting to feel dizzy so I went back to lay down. I woke my husband up and told him what happened and asked him if he could clean up the bathroom a little bit. He went into the bathroom and saw the blood-drenched underwear and blood on the floor. He came out and said "You don't think that's too much blood?" I decided to call the midwife just to check. She said that it was probably because I passed some large tissue and the bleeding should slow down.

The bleeding was light again so I went back to bed. About an hour later I woke up to another huge gush of blood. I was laying there and then all of a sudden it was like an eruption of blood that soaked everything. I passed some more large clots so I figured this was the end of it. However, it happened again about 45 minutes later. I had been told that I should call if I was soaking more than one maxi pad an hour. The way this was happening, I was soaking a maxi pad, underwear, and a bedsheet in 3 seconds. I called back and was told to go to the ER. By this time I was getting dizzy and it was 2:30am. We called my Mom to come up to stay with my son and my husband drove me to the ER.

On the way there I could feel blood and large clumps passing. The best way that I can think to describe the feeling was like passing gobs of lumpy jello mixed with thinner, half-firm jello. I was also very dizzy and beginning to pass out. For about the last 5 minutes of our drive, I could not see anything. I have passed out before and knew the feeling, but this was so much worse. I was trying to will myself to stay conscious. They wheeled me in to the ER and the whole time I was saying, "Please help me. I can't see. Please don't let anything happen to me. I have a little boy." I kept waiting for the nurses and doctors to say, "You'll be fine" but no one did. That made me really scared. Finally, one of the nurses said "We'll take good care of you." I was really afraid that I was going to become unconscious and never wake up. It was the scariest moment of my life thinking that I would leave my son without a mother.

They quickly gave my an IV, took my vitals, etc. My blood pressure was really low and they kept commenting on how pale I was and how sick I looked when I arrived. They thought I might need a blood transfusion but my hematocrit was high enough that I did not. I must say that I was treated wonderfully by everyone there. They apologized for every painful procedure and said how sorry they were for my loss. The ER doctor did a vaginal exam which was pretty painful. He was reaching up and pulling tissue and blood clots out. He said that they had to determine how much tissue was left in my uterus and if my cervix was dilated.

He was having difficulty determining if my cervix was open, so an Ob/Gyn came and did another exam and removed more. After a little while, another Ob/Gyn came to check on how things were progressing and repeated the same procedure. All this time I was soaking the bed pads and sheets. They had thought that I might have passed most of the tissue, so had me stay a few hours for observation. However, my bleeding did not subside. One of the Ob/Gyn's who works with my midwives came down and did another exam and removed more tissue. They gave me another dose of misoprostol to try to stimulate contractions to expel everything. However, when this did not work, they sent me to surgery.

They said that they could do the surgery there in the ER with local anesthetic, but I said that I would prefer not to know what was going on. I went to the operating room and had the general anesthesia. I don't remember anything until I woke up. I did not get to talk with the doctor after surgery, but she spoke with my husband. She told him that she did not have to use cutterage because the pregnancy tissue was close to the cervix and she was able to remove it. I was pleased, because this meant that my uterus was not damaged.

It has been a week and I am still having some light bleeding. Physically I was just pretty tired for a few days. Emotionally, I am still a wreck. I cry almost every day because I am so sad. I know that I have a lot to be thankful for, but I still am so sad that our baby, whom we loved so much, died. One thing that bothers me is that I did not get to see and hold the baby. I had hoped that this would provide some closure. At first I was looking at everything in the toilet, but I was bleeding so much and became so faint that I couldn't do that. I am upset that I either flushed my baby down the toilet or it was disposed of with medical waste. I believe that it was the latter, as my husband said my doctor mentioned "pregnancy tissue." I go back to see her in a week and I will ask then. Who knows? It may have made things more difficult if I saw the baby, so I'm trying to get over that.

Overall, I was treated so well by everyone, so that softened the blow of all this. During my pregnancy, I felt like this baby was a girl, and since the miscarriage I have had two girl dreams. I wanted to give the baby a name instead of saying "it" but I didn't know what name to use. I know it sounds wierd, but was hoping that I would have a dream or some kind of message. Last night I had this foggy dream. I really don't remember it, but it was a little girl and she was telling me her name was Maya. I don't know anyone in real life named Maya and have not heard the name recently. It is not a name that I would have ever chosen, but I feel like it is my baby's name. It gives me some peace to have a name for her.
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#85 of 437 Old 09-11-2005, 12:42 AM
 
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What a wonderful thread. I've been reading through it for the past week...and it's helped tremendously!

I lost my baby one week ago today.

I was 7 weeks pregnant. On Thursday, I had my annual checkup with my OB- at that time he confirmed that I was pregnant based on my LMP and a cervix and uterus check. Friday morning, I noticed some spotting with a dull backache that wouldn't go away. I called my OB office telling them that I wasn't worried about the spotting, but the backache concerned me. Dr said I was probably okay and if spotting got worse to call back. Saturday morning the spotting was more than the day before and the backache still there. I tried not to worry about it as I had just had a pap and I spotted for a day or two w/ my first pregnancy- so I thought nothing of it. By 1PM, my backache was worrying me-- I did the TP check and there was bright red blood. I told DH that we were losing the baby. I called the on-call nurse and she told me the standard- stay in bed and only get up to go to the bathroom. Call if I soaked a pad an hour for 3 hours.

I passed the baby on Monday-Labor Day. I did take the baby out of the toilet and inspected it. It's now in my freezer waiting to be buried. I had to look, know... and I couldn't flush it. I may not bury it in the earth. I've been thinking of personalizing an indoor planter and placing the baby there with a plant. Not sure yet. Having the baby in the freezer freaks DH out more than me.

It's been one week. I'm not really sure how I feel. I can tell you that I knew I was pregnant a week before I tested and I also sensed that something wasn't right the entire 46 days that I was pregnant.

I miss my baby. I experienced this for a reason and I hope I learn from it.
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#86 of 437 Old 09-23-2005, 01:18 AM
 
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hugs

i have had 3 m/c and i am only 25....i now have a dd who is 2 yrs old....i spent the entire first 3 years of my 20's (and marriage) preg, m/c, and trying to get over it
1st m/c was the saddest b/c i just coul dnot believe that it was happening...it was such a shock.
i had just turned 20 and gotten married, this was my love child.
my dh and i were clueless kids, crazy in love, and scared out of our minds.

i started spotting, my midwife put me on bedrest and for a couple of days the cramps would come adn go, getting worse at night...then one night the bleeding was getting heavier adn heavier and we knew it was over...
my dh would call and check in with the midwife from time to time. i got in and out of the shower
that helped
i just remember feeling like i was rushing under the waves of a stormy sea and being sucked out of this world
i felt the saddest i had ever felt, i would clutch my dh and we would both be crying and feeling so in lov ewith eachother and so sad and so proud at how brave adn strong we were and so devestated at the loss, and scared.

it was the holiest thing i had ever been part of
it WAS birth
and i was so hyper aware that of the awful paradox of birthing death.
i still taste that irony (6-7 years after)
that it is so powerful and holy to give birth (which means life) to the death of your child...and wanting it to just be over, for the AWFUL pain to stop (i mean physically) but knowing that when i stopped laboring i would not have my baby, infact the moment that she was born was the moment she was gone from me forever, until that point she was still mine, inside my womb.

i birthed her into a bluewillow china punch bowl
she had died/stopped growing at about 6 weeks but i lost her at about 12 weeks.
she was tiny she did not have a tail anymore. i dreamed about her the next night...it was more of an out of body exp...i got up to pee adn she was sitting on the kitchen floor (about 3 yers old) sloshing her hands around in the bowl of blood....i picked her up and wiped her blood on my night gown and sat down to rock her....i woke up in the rocking chair with blood all over my night gown.

i grieved that loss hard, it took another week to pass the placenta...i spent almost a month in bed crying
i had been so young and innocent and full of promise, that loss made me feel so scared, like if that awful thing could happen to ME, then anything could, i was scared to be home alone, scared to walk around by myself in our town, just scared. i had had my whole world pulled out from under me and i was just waiting for something really awful to happen next.



that was a lot i think i will come back anothe rnight to write the other times...
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#87 of 437 Old 09-23-2005, 01:28 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by moma justice
hugs

i have had 3 m/c and i am only 25....i now have a dd who is 2 yrs old....i spent the entire first 3 years of my 20's (and marriage) preg, m/c, and trying to get over it
1st m/c was the saddest b/c i just coul dnot believe that it was happening...it was such a shock.
i had just turned 20 and gotten married, this was my love child.
my dh and i were clueless kids, crazy in love, and scared out of our minds.

i started spotting, my midwife put me on bedrest and for a couple of days the cramps would come adn go, getting worse at night...then one night the bleeding was getting heavier adn heavier and we knew it was over...
my dh would call and check in with the midwife from time to time. i got in and out of the shower
that helped
i just remember feeling like i was rushing under the waves of a stormy sea and being sucked out of this world
i felt the saddest i had ever felt, i would clutch my dh and we would both be crying and feeling so in lov ewith eachother and so sad and so proud at how brave adn strong we were and so devestated at the loss, and scared.

it was the holiest thing i had ever been part of
it WAS birth
and i was so hyper aware that of the awful paradox of birthing death.
i still taste that irony (6-7 years after)
that it is so powerful and holy to give birth (which means life) to the death of your child...and wanting it to just be over, for the AWFUL pain to stop (i mean physically) but knowing that when i stopped laboring i would not have my baby, infact the moment that she was born was the moment she was gone from me forever, until that point she was still mine, inside my womb.

i birthed her into a bluewillow china punch bowl
she had died/stopped growing at about 6 weeks but i lost her at about 12 weeks.
she was tiny she did not have a tail anymore. i dreamed about her the next night...it was more of an out of body exp...i got up to pee adn she was sitting on the kitchen floor (about 3 yers old) sloshing her hands around in the bowl of blood....i picked her up and wiped her blood on my night gown and sat down to rock her....i woke up in the rocking chair with blood all over my night gown.

i grieved that loss hard, it took another week to pass the placenta...i spent almost a month in bed crying
i had been so young and innocent and full of promise, that loss made me feel so scared, like if that awful thing could happen to ME, then anything could, i was scared to be home alone, scared to walk around by myself in our town, just scared. i had had my whole world pulled out from under me and i was just waiting for something really awful to happen next.



that was a lot i think i will come back anothe rnight to write the other times...
I'm sorry for your losses. I just had to tell you, you write beautifully. That dream you described sent chills up my spine. Many hugs, Mama.

~Nay
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Reneé, 34 year old mom to Antonin 8/04 and Arianna 9/06  (6 weeks) 5/08. Married to Matt since 6/03 .  
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#88 of 437 Old 09-24-2005, 01:15 AM
 
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This is the first time that I have ever posted on a message board so I hope I am doing it correctly. I am so grateful for this thread. It is very rare that you can read about and share about miscarriage in its entirety.
I Was pregnant with my third child. My dh and I were very excited but surprised as I had not yet had a period. At 10 wks we went to the midwife to hear a heartbeat. We didn't hear anything so we went back again at 11 and then at 12 wks. I was very worried. At 12 1/2 wks. I began to bleed bright red. I knew that I was miscarring but I wanted to confirm so I had my midwife schedule a sono. The tech couldn't tell me anything but I didn't see a heart beat and the baby looked way to small. my dh and I met w/ my midwife right away and she said the baby was 7 wks and my body was starting the process of birthing the baby.
The next day I was still bleeding. Around 1:30 my toddler nursed down for his nap and I started getting period cramps. after about 1/2 hour I began to push. My husband was having a hard time with all the blood so called my two close friends over to be with me while he took the kids out. I can't imagine having to be alone. THey were so wonderful. I used hypnobirthing to go through the labor but it was so difficult because I knew that I wasn't going to get to hold my baby.
Finally the surges stopped but I still had not passed anything. I called my midwife and she had me pull everything out. Nothing looked like a baby put my sack of waters broke and my placenta was the size of a quarter and absolutely perfect. My friend took the baby and swaddled it in a washcloth, kissed it, and put it in the fridge.
Next day dh and I baptised and buried the baby under our cherry tree in our backyard where the placentas of our two older children is buried.
I have made a memory box with a rose (that my midwife brought me), video of the midwife appts, the pregnancy test, a story of the experience, and the washcloth.
Sorry this is so long but reading your stories and sharing my experience has been very healing.
We named our baby Sam (boy or girl)


NEW M/C ADDED 2/15/06

This is heartbreaking but I have to add another m/c to this thread. I decided to add it in the same post.
After losing Sam I was totally devestated but knew that I wanted another baby so bad. We had to wait at least 3 months to ttc bcs dh had been on methotrexate for his arthritis. I didn't even get af until 10wks after the m/c. Then I had a 43 day cycle w/ o on day 33 but no cm. Then the next cycle we o'd on cd 19 and got a bfp on cd 23. We were so excited and I decided to enjoy every min. of this pg and tell everyone.
At 6 wks dh and I went out for valentines day (a few days early). When we got home we made love and then I started to bleed. It was pink and then it got heavier. When I woke up I had light cramping. I got in the tub and passed a clot. Then the cramping was over. I went in for a sono and my uterus was completely empty. We submitted the fetus for testing and they could not find any fetal tissue. My midwife thinks that my body had probably absorbed everything. I am so frustrated bcs I want an answer to all of this and I know that there isn't one.
I went to hobby lobby and bought a box. I will write a letter to the baby and put it in there. I will also put in the washcloth that it was wrapped in, my proof of pg from birthright, and all of my pg tests. We named the baby Morgan (for a boy or gir). Naming the baby really helps me to heal.

nicole wild.gif,  mom to 3 boys here on earth jumpers.gif 9, 7 and 4.5 and 2 girl's fly-by-nursing2.gif2.5 and 10/16/11. Always remembering my babies in heaven:  Sam (9/7/05) at 12.5 wks  angel1.gif, Morgan (2/13/06) at 6 wks angel1.gif , Emeric angel2.gif (8/9/10 at 17 wks) and Pepper angel1.gif (11/26/10) at 8wks. 

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#89 of 437 Old 09-25-2005, 02:41 AM
 
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so here is my second m/c

i was in my last semester of college, student teaching....and my dh was in college, we had already went thru our first m/c the year previous (see above post)

and i find out i am pregnant...we were using b/c at the time so we were surprise, but i was cautious, yet very happy.

when at 12 weeks we went to hear the heart beat and the midwife said it was strong...i almost fell off the table, i had not realized how i had been holding my breath the whole pregnancy until then...i felt so much lighter.

however around 18 weeks i started a light brown spotting, my dh adn i were enjoying a lot of sex at that point (i guess we were so happy to not have to worry about not getting preg anymore!) and my midwife felt like it was that.

but it did not go away, so she recomended (among other things) prayer adn bed rest....really tuning in to the baby.

so in total i spent almost 2 weeks in bed, using all of my spirtual and physcial energy to will that baby to stay, and will my body to hold it. the spotting would stop and i would get up and try and go back to school, and then it would come back and i would spend a couple more days in bed...

after one week of spotting we had the heart rate checked with the dopler, again strong
after 2 weeks of spotting we had an ultrasound done....that is when we got the news that our baby was strong and alive, but not well, infact would never be well.

i remember the tech putting the ultrasound wand in my vagina and my dh and i watching the screen. we were on a roller coaster of fear and relief when we saw the baby moving and the heart pumping and the tech jus tsaid, "uh, i will be right back"
so she leaves and the wand is inside me and teh baby is alive,a dn we feel overjoyed.until the specialist comes in the room to tell us that
our 20 week old baby had hydrocephalis (fluid in the brain)
infact it had so much fluid there was hardly any brain at all and the head was larger than normal.

and here is my situation, the baby is alive adn well, except for that. he was growing and developing on schedule, the bleeding was some random thing (probably just bumped cervix from too much sex, as the blood was all light adn brown).
all signs pointed to me having an otherwise normal pregnancy and carring the baby full term.
however, b/c the baby practically has no brain, it will probably only live for a couple weeks, maybe a couple months, but it would be a vegtable, and hooked up to tons of machines.
and b/c its skull was so large, a vaginal birth would probably not be possible and they would have to do a scheduled c-section.

i was past the legel dates for abortion in my state, so that was not an option.
i could be "induced however" which would be a painful and medical process, but the baby would out and it would all be over.

my world came crashing down...i was trying to finish college, i had worked my way thru school and had already almost flunked out last year b/c of that m/c....i did not have time for that kind of medical procedure. furthermore, i do not even take asprin, i can not imagine being in a hospital, esp when i would be going thru such sad sad thing...i could not let someone else into my deep place of saddness and loss and have them be treating me "business as usual"
but at the same time, i could not comprehend remaining pregnant, getting big, having every stranger on the st rejoicing at my bulging belly, and me having to know that it was not ever going to happen. really there would be no baby.

and the loss, another loss. all of the this came crashign down on me.

i decided (with my midwife's guidence) that i would attempt an herbal abortion/induction. i used prayers and energy and acupressure, and herbs, and castor oil, and vit c. and it was a strict demanding regement.

the herbal tonic alone had to steep for 6 hrs and be taken (one court) every 4 hours, that in itself was very demanding.

and it was so hard to have gone from putting all my total energy into praying for my baby's life, begging it to stay..adn then in one minute having to flip it all upside down and ask it to leave, now.
beg it to please work with me adn stop growing and go. i was so sorry.

i kept on going to school, (my professors were threatening to not let me graduate, despit ethe medical nature of my absences),

i sheduled an induction at the hospital for a date 2 weeks latter, giving my self a chance to try and do it on my own.
and worked my ass off night and day trying to induce labor.
after one week, i began to have some contractions at night, but they were mild adn would always be gone by morning
but each night after ward the contractions would get more intense, more frequent and start a little earlier in the evening.

finaly it was the evening before my induction (scheduled at 5 AM the next day) adn my mom came into town to help me recover....and we were at the health food store at 4 pm the contrations came in hard....
we went home and called my dh home from work (he worked nights)
and i went in to a very painful labor, it was way worse than any labor i had had beofre or since....i think all the herbs that were FORCING my womd to contract made it hur tso much mor than normal labor.

plus i had had to become so emotionaly detatched from the sorrow and the loss...this was a goal, and i had to accomplish it with out taking too much time, being any trouble to anyone else, or making too big of a mess. i did not want my dh or my mom even in the same room with me.. every thing they said was wrong...i just wanted to be by myself.

i remember thinking i would just only lay on the hardwood floor of the living room b/c that would be easiest to clean up afterwards.

i was so pitiful....i remember finaly crawling to my bedroom at around midnight and thinking that i did not care if i flooded the room with my blood, i just wanted to lay down in my bed and die.
i made it to the bed and closed my eyes and rode this one HUGE wave of pain adn CRASH, everything stopped.

at first i thought i had died, i thought my whole body must be gone, b/c i don't feel anythign anymore.

the pain was over. i opended my eyes and felt between my legs, nothing was there...
i was still alive and the baby was still inside me...i began sobbing and wailing...

i felt so tired and punished.

and went to the bathroom to pee and when i contracted my muscles to let the pee out i felt a big plop and into the tiolet came my baby (well placenta)

i was 22 weeks so it was much bigger than my last one, i reached into the potty and pulled it out...adn just held it.

that was it
it was over

i opened it up with a knife latter that night, and it was a boy.
i could not believe how much he looked like my baby.
my baby.

my midwife came and checked my out the next day and every thing healed up pretty quickly.

i convinced my colleges dean not to fail me.
i graduated a month latter.

i lost the weight.

people who had not seen me in a month would see me in the store or street and look at my belly in confusion...sometimes i had to say, my baby died many times a day for months.

i learned that greif knows no boundaries...nor does the strength of my spirit.

amazingly, this m/c exp gaveme something back that my first m/c took from me.

after i so suddenly lost the first baby, i also lost my ability to trust my body, to trust my will, and to trust god.

somehow, b/c god, and my body, and my unborn baby had to work so hard together to accomplish something that all the drs said was impossible, i resetablished my faith.
in my body and my babies and my god.

it was the saddest pain i have ever felt.

but somehow i kept one breathing.

i just wanted to add that along with those 2 m/c i also had one latter that year that i missed a period adn then 3 weeks latter got a big period, i ws sure that i was pregnant.
a couple months latter i was sure i concieved again, this time i took the morning afterpill, i had just gotten a new job post college and i could not face another m/c.

1.5 years latter i concieved my dd and i knew KNEW from the minute she was concieved that she was real
she was ready
and so was i.

and luckily for me, my losses give me reminder to LOVE my baby every second of her life...love her b/c that second is really all you have.

(ps all my m/c were unrealted, even though i was labled a cronic aborter b/c i had more than one, there was no medical connection...just luck.)
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#90 of 437 Old 09-30-2005, 06:13 AM
 
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THis is my story. I don't think I have posted it on this thread before.

I found out in an u/s that the baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks. This was at 10 weeks pregnant. So I waited a couple of weeks to pass it on my own. That was a terribly long time. I was going to call on monday and schedule the surgery, but on Friday it started. It did not go well. I bled for more than 30 minutes gushing. I was about to pass out so i called 911. We had to do the d&c. I had been miscarrying for almost two days. More than anything I didn't want the surgery but I had to have it. When they sent me home, I passed out in the car. I came back to the hospital and they wanted me to have a blood transfusion and a catscan. Luckily they got canceled but i had already drank the barium. I had to wean my son temporarily b/c of the barium. By the time it got out of my system, he was weaned. I will always wonder if I had progesterone issues. Maybe if I had not nursed while pregnant, it wouldn't have happened. I know they say it is safe, but I will always wonder.
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