so here is my second m/c
i was in my last semester of college, student teaching....and my dh was in college, we had already went thru our first m/c the year previous (see above post)
and i find out i am pregnant...we were using b/c at the time so we were surprise, but i was cautious, yet very happy.
when at 12 weeks we went to hear the heart beat and the midwife said it was strong...i almost fell off the table, i had not realized how i had been holding my breath the whole pregnancy until then...i felt so much lighter.
however around 18 weeks i started a light brown spotting, my dh adn i were enjoying a lot of sex at that point (i guess we were so happy to not have to worry about not getting preg anymore!) and my midwife felt like it was that.
but it did not go away, so she recomended (among other things) prayer adn bed rest....really tuning in to the baby.
so in total i spent almost 2 weeks in bed, using all of my spirtual and physcial energy to will that baby to stay, and will my body to hold it. the spotting would stop and i would get up and try and go back to school, and then it would come back and i would spend a couple more days in bed...
after one week of spotting we had the heart rate checked with the dopler, again strong
after 2 weeks of spotting we had an ultrasound done....that is when we got the news that our baby was strong and alive, but not well, infact would never be well.
i remember the tech putting the ultrasound wand in my vagina and my dh and i watching the screen. we were on a roller coaster of fear and relief when we saw the baby moving and the heart pumping and the tech jus tsaid, "uh, i will be right back"
so she leaves and the wand is inside me and teh baby is alive,a dn we feel overjoyed.until the specialist comes in the room to tell us that
our 20 week old baby had hydrocephalis (fluid in the brain)
infact it had so much fluid there was hardly any brain at all and the head was larger than normal.
and here is my situation, the baby is alive adn well, except for that. he was growing and developing on schedule, the bleeding was some random thing (probably just bumped cervix from too much sex, as the blood was all light adn brown).
all signs pointed to me having an otherwise normal pregnancy and carring the baby full term.
however, b/c the baby practically has no brain, it will probably only live for a couple weeks, maybe a couple months, but it would be a vegtable, and hooked up to tons of machines.
and b/c its skull was so large, a vaginal birth would probably not be possible and they would have to do a scheduled c-section.
i was past the legel dates for abortion in my state, so that was not an option.
i could be "induced however" which would be a painful and medical process, but the baby would out and it would all be over.
my world came crashing down...i was trying to finish college, i had worked my way thru school and had already almost flunked out last year b/c of that m/c....i did not have time for that kind of medical procedure. furthermore, i do not even take asprin, i can not imagine being in a hospital, esp when i would be going thru such sad sad thing...i could not let someone else into my deep place of saddness and loss and have them be treating me "business as usual"
but at the same time, i could not comprehend remaining pregnant, getting big, having every stranger on the st rejoicing at my bulging belly, and me having to know that it was not ever going to happen. really there would be no baby.
and the loss, another loss. all of the this came crashign down on me.
i decided (with my midwife's guidence) that i would attempt an herbal abortion/induction. i used prayers and energy and acupressure, and herbs, and castor oil, and vit c. and it was a strict demanding regement.
the herbal tonic alone had to steep for 6 hrs and be taken (one court) every 4 hours, that in itself was very demanding.
and it was so hard to have gone from putting all my total energy into praying for my baby's life, begging it to stay..adn then in one minute having to flip it all upside down and ask it to leave, now.
beg it to please work with me adn stop growing and go. i was so sorry.
i kept on going to school, (my professors were threatening to not let me graduate, despit ethe medical nature of my absences),
i sheduled an induction at the hospital for a date 2 weeks latter, giving my self a chance to try and do it on my own.
and worked my ass off night and day trying to induce labor.
after one week, i began to have some contractions at night, but they were mild adn would always be gone by morning
but each night after ward the contractions would get more intense, more frequent and start a little earlier in the evening.
finaly it was the evening before my induction (scheduled at 5 AM the next day) adn my mom came into town to help me recover....and we were at the health food store at 4 pm the contrations came in hard....
we went home and called my dh home from work (he worked nights)
and i went in to a very painful labor, it was way worse than any labor i had had beofre or since....i think all the herbs that were FORCING my womd to contract made it hur tso much mor than normal labor.
plus i had had to become so emotionaly detatched from the sorrow and the loss...this was a goal, and i had to accomplish it with out taking too much time, being any trouble to anyone else, or making too big of a mess. i did not want my dh or my mom even in the same room with me.. every thing they said was wrong...i just wanted to be by myself.
i remember thinking i would just only lay on the hardwood floor of the living room b/c that would be easiest to clean up afterwards.
i was so pitiful....i remember finaly crawling to my bedroom at around midnight and thinking that i did not care if i flooded the room with my blood, i just wanted to lay down in my bed and die.
i made it to the bed and closed my eyes and rode this one HUGE wave of pain adn CRASH, everything stopped.
at first i thought i had died, i thought my whole body must be gone, b/c i don't feel anythign anymore.
the pain was over. i opended my eyes and felt between my legs, nothing was there...
i was still alive and the baby was still inside me...i began sobbing and wailing...
i felt so tired and punished.
and went to the bathroom to pee and when i contracted my muscles to let the pee out i felt a big plop and into the tiolet came my baby (well placenta)
i was 22 weeks so it was much bigger than my last one, i reached into the potty and pulled it out...adn just held it.
that was it
it was over
i opened it up with a knife latter that night, and it was a boy.
i could not believe how much he looked like my baby.
my midwife came and checked my out the next day and every thing healed up pretty quickly.
i convinced my colleges dean not to fail me.
i graduated a month latter.
i lost the weight.
people who had not seen me in a month would see me in the store or street and look at my belly in confusion...sometimes i had to say, my baby died many times a day for months.
i learned that greif knows no boundaries...nor does the strength of my spirit.
amazingly, this m/c exp gaveme something back that my first m/c took from me.
after i so suddenly lost the first baby, i also lost my ability to trust my body, to trust my will, and to trust god.
somehow, b/c god, and my body, and my unborn baby had to work so hard together to accomplish something that all the drs said was impossible, i resetablished my faith.
in my body and my babies and my god.
it was the saddest pain i have ever felt.
but somehow i kept one breathing.
i just wanted to add that along with those 2 m/c i also had one latter that year that i missed a period adn then 3 weeks latter got a big period, i ws sure that i was pregnant.
a couple months latter i was sure i concieved again, this time i took the morning afterpill, i had just gotten a new job post college and i could not face another m/c.
1.5 years latter i concieved my dd and i knew KNEW from the minute she was concieved that she was real
she was ready
and so was i.
and luckily for me, my losses give me reminder to LOVE my baby every second of her life...love her b/c that second is really all you have.
(ps all my m/c were unrealted, even though i was labled a cronic aborter b/c i had more than one, there was no medical connection...just luck.)