EXACTLY what to expect with a m/c~~Please tell your stories~~what do you see? - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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#91 of 443 Old 10-02-2005, 11:33 PM
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this is the first post i have put up since my m/c.

my husband and i were going for a hike and i felt a small gush of water. i thought that my vaginal secretions were changing because of the pregnancy. i than saw light brown spotting. we ate beans for dinner that night and i was having cramping so i thought is was just gas

i woke up the next morning and there was brighter blood, but still not very much. i was trying not to freek out. later in the day the cramps started and blood was slowly pouring out, like a medium period. this went on from monday to friday. the cramps got really severe and i felt like i was "going into labor" still nothing came out. so i thought that maybee it disolved and already came out. so i was feeling better by saturday and went to work. by my last massage appt. i had to go to the bathroom. as i went all of a sudden this thing shot out of my yoni and i knew i had finally passed it. i took it out and wraped it in a plastic bag and put it in my lunch bag in the fridge. i did not want to flush it.

so after work i went to my garden and did a ceremony. i cut open the placenta, which was so healthy and the size of a petite pear. inside was a sack and what looked like a fish egg the size of a pencil eraser. i was supposed to be 2 1/2 months pregnant!

i was surprised and releaved because i realized that there was nothing wrong with my body and it may have been all the hot springs i went to early on before i knew i was pregnant. there was a certain point a week before the mc happened that all my exhaustion, huge appetite, and sore boobies went away. I was even starting to show. i bled dark blood lightly for a week and a half after. than i ovualted. i haven't had my period yet.

we were not planning this baby but with all the emotions we had when we were pregnant, we both now know we definetly want to be parents. It was very hard for the first week when it was happening, we both greeved. and now i am present and fine with it because it is what happened. i am totaly changed forever. we are ttc now with a concious conception.

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#92 of 443 Old 10-18-2005, 10:41 AM
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Thank you Mamas for sharing these very personal experiences in this safe space. I am waiting for my body to miscarry my baby and it has been comforting to read your words. Because of your posts, I have been able to actively choose the route I want to take. My only fear now is seeing my baby when it is born. But I will face that.

Much love,


Edited to add my experiences.

I found out Monday 10-17 that my baby died. I started suspecting something was wrong about 4 days earlier (I had some minor spotting, and wasn’t sick anymore) and it was a very painful, agonizing time leading up to my ultrasound on Monday. I was really feeling the grief then. Once I knew, I went on emotional disconnect. I did not feel sadness, anger, fear, anything. I just felt tired. I stopped spotting as I waited to miscarry. I had had cramps after the vaginal ultrasound but they stopped and my body was quiet. What a strange thing. I knew something was going on underneath it all because I would wake in the night and not be able to sleep. I was distressed that I was not feeling more. Everyone was wonderful and supportive but I felt like a fraud because I wasn’t feeling grief. A friend told me that this was the grief expressing itself to me. It actually seemed unreal to me that I was even pregnant. I felt the same as before except 10 lbs heavier and my clothes don't fit. At that time, I couldn't even capture in my mind the feelings I have had for the past weeks that I was pregnant. I actually still can’t. That made me sad because the baby had been very real to me just a few days prior.

A friend came by with a meal and a gift of tea. Her card reminded me that this baby is real. I know I love this baby, I was so worried about it just days before. Maybe my brain was dissociating my heart to protect myself. I really felt like I needed to experience the miscarriage to go through the experience and have the grief. I worried if I had a D&C that I wouldn’t experience it and I would stay in limbo. I also read this thread and saw how important it was for Mamas to actually see their babies, and realized that that would never be an option to me if I had a D&C. I worried about how long it would take before the miscarriage happened.

I was also worried about what it would be like to pass/birth the baby. The midwife and the nurse said I probably wouldn’t be able to identify the baby in what comes out. She said it would only be like a heavy period because the baby died at an early point. I was worried I would see a formed little baby. I was worried I wouldn’t see a baby. I wanted to be able to birth my child and somehow honor her.

I had the miscarriage on Thursday night. This was what I wrote about it the next morning.

“I am so glad I read about other women’s experiences. It helped me know what to expect. I had the miscarriage last night. When I went to bed, the contractions started up and it was over in a couple of hours. I started bleeding and cramping a little yesterday afternoon during a nap but it wasn't until I went to bed at 11 that the contractions really started. Unbelievable that so much blood could come out and how much the contractions hurt. It was really intense and really painful. A lot like labor, just a weird, small uterus labor. The pains were really like labor pains except they seemed to be missing a component. If I had not known that the bleeding would be like that I would have feared I was hemorrhaging to death. The midwife said to expect a heavy period. I worked with baby to make strong productive contractions. I spoke to it and told it how proud of it I was, and how good it was doing making these wonderful contractions. I told it how much I loved it. It was over in a couple hours. I even seemed to go through a transition-like phase where I was puking, had diarrhea, and almost passed out. At that point, I got scared and called out to DP. He woke up and stayed with me, rubbing my lower back, which seemed to be a spot where I was feeling the contractions the most. His hand on my back was one of the best things I have ever felt. I only felt the contractions when I was lying on my side. But I would get up and sit on the toilet to let the blood and clots come out. I gave up on using pads because they would just get soaked and used a towel between my legs. It was very sad but I am so glad I chose to have the baby this way, a birth so to speak. I thought at the time that I had found the baby as well. (I actually didn’t, but in retrospect, I realize how incredibly important it was to me to see my baby and I am so glad I chose this route).”

After the miscarriage, I bled red blood. It was kind of like a medium period flow. I had bad cramps the next day.

On Saturday 10-22, two days after the miscarriage, I was putting my little daughter down for her nap when I stood up out of the rocking chair and felt something huge come out of me. It was painless. At first I thought it was enormous gush of blood but it was solid. I passed a biggish placenta about 2 inches and the embryonic sac. I washed it off because it was covered in clots and opened the sac. I finally found the baby and it was tiny, about 3 mm flat little disc. I can only imagine that the baby died but the placenta and extra-fetal tissues just kept growing. That was shocking to happen but I am glad it did. I showed it to DP and also my older daughter who asked to see my baby that came out of me.

I think it is significant that the event of my baby peacefully passing out of my body was separate from the painful scary miscarriage. I am so glad it happened this way.

I knit a wool bag to put the baby and placenta in. I am going to line it with milkweed silk and rose petals from the white roses DP brought me on Monday after I found out the baby died. I am going to also add the baby’s four leaf clover that I found right before I got pregnant. I am going to write a note to the baby telling it how much I love it. We will bury it in a beautiful spot in nature, and will put the roses on top.

My friend is a Reiki practitioner and she offered to treat me to help me feel better. It was really relaxing and I was open to the experience. The first amazing thing that happened was than when she put her hands on my hips, I was overcome with deep emotion. I haven't been able to access that part of my emotional self but with her touch it was opened up. When she moved on, the emotion subsided. When she came back to the spot, it came back out. I cried for my baby. I know there is more under there for me to process and I know that is a job for me on a future day. During the session I thought I heard her two year old son in the room. I heard him snuffling through a stuffed up nose. I heard his quiet breaths. I heard the little quiet footsteps on the floor walking around my head. And I felt his presence around my head. I kept waiting for him to ask his mom something and I wondered if it would disturb the flow of the session. But he never said anything. When it was all done, I took the eye pillow off and saw that the door was shut. I asked my friend if her son had been in the room and she told me that No, he had not. I know there was a child there with me. I know it in the very core of my being. I think it was my baby come to connect and be with me. It was amazing. What a gift she gave me with that reiki session. After the session, the bleeding got heavier, like a heavy period flow.

Physically I am now feeling better. I am still bleeding. Emotionally, I feel pretty down, and wrung out. I have been processing the events of the past week, but haven’t even begun to deal with the deeper implications of it all. I think that will be hard when that comes to the surface.

I have learned a lot from this miscarriage. I learned that the fear of something like this is much worse than dealing with the actual event. I learned how amazing my friends are. I learned of the deep trust I have for my body, and its ability to do what it must. I was reminded that our children are not our own. We are given them and entrusted to their care, but they are their own beings with independent destinies. This has been an important reminder to me as I try to teach and mold my daughters.

Edited again to add my HCG data.

1.5 weeks after the MC: beta = 206 light bleeding and spotting.
2.5 weeks after the MC: beta = 61.5 Had red, gushing bleeding episode again.
4.5 weeks after the MC: beta = 13.5 Bleeding is starting to increase again.

I have had bleeding in some form or another pretty much consistently for the past 42 days (The week before the MC, and the 4.5 weeks after). After the MC it has cycled between light brown flow and spotting. With a few episodes of heavy red bleeding.

I am really glad I went back on Zoloft when this happened. I have been feeling more depressed than I have been in a long time. It has been a lot to cope with.

Mama to 3 daughters, expecting #4chicken3.gif

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#93 of 443 Old 10-18-2005, 09:10 PM
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Thanks for this thread. It has been helpful to read others experiences as I was waiting to miscarry. And now I'll share my story.

I was 10 weeks along. It was last Friday, the 14th. I woke up from some extrememly sexual dreams involving Brad Pitt, which was unusual. I had not felt "in the mood" for quite awhile! I went to the bathroom, wiped and saw bright red blood. I also felt slightly crampy. I consulted two of my pregnancy books, then decided to put a call in to my midwife/OB office. I called DH at work to tell him I thought I was miscarrying. A nice nurse called me back and suggested I come in for an ultrasound. It was so hard waiting 5 hours until the appointment. DS knew something was up but expected a normal day. A friend offered to watch him while I went to my appointment.

It was pouring rain, and although DH works walking distance from the hospital, I told him not to worry about coming over. The ultrasound technician was very kind. She took a look then said she was only seeing a sac, and that there should be more at this point. So right then I knew it was bad. She said an internal u/s would be more clear, and that she'd be back in a few minutes with an OB who would look, too. The OB who came in was also very kind. She said she'd tell me everything but to give them a few minutes to look. I didn't look at the screen. I could tell there wasn't much to see. They took a few measurements, but I just knew. When it was over, the OB gently said normally by this time there should be a heartbeat and there isn't one. And it looked as though I was only 8 weeks along but I should be 10, given my regular cycles and LMP. So there it was. I think they were surprised that I took it so well, but then I sobbed when they left the room.

I was then seen by a midwife who told me I had some options: let my body miscarry on its own, misoprostal or a D&C. Since I was already bleeding, she advised that letting my body do it on its own would be best. And I agreed.

I drove over to DH's office and he came down to the car to hear my news. He was sweet. But he couldn't leave work yet, so I drove home alone in the rain.

I continued bleeding somewhat lightly through the next morning. I decided to go to a Hatha Yoga class, thinking that would help me mentally and maybe speed things up. It worked. I started cramping heavily a couple hours later. I asked DH to take DS to MIL's to give me some time alone. I felt my body wouldn't do its work until I was alone. I started passing clots when I went to the bathroom. They felt like another post said, like blobs of jello. It was a strange sensation when they slid out.

I wasn't sure if I would try to save "it" or not. I actually put the first clot in a baggie but ended up throwing it away after so many more went into the toilet. How would I know when I passed the sac, I wondered? By 5:30pm, my cramping stopped and I thought, that must be it. I must be done. Ha. The cramping started again at about 9pm. By the time DH came home with my sleeping DS, I was out of pads - I didn't know I'd need so many! The only place open was the evil 24-hour WalMart Super Center (sorry if that offends anyone). I wanted to go in myself to see what my options were. Silly me. As soon as I walked in, I felt a huge gush. I knew I must have soaked through my pants. I foolishly did my shopping and stood in line to pay before going to their restroom. My god I have never seen a pad so saturated! And my underwear and pants were a mess. And hanging out of me was the biggest clot yet. I had to sort of knock it the rest of the way out with toilet paper. I hated leaving it there, at evil WalMart, but I flushed, cleaned myself and the toilet as best as I could, and went back to the car. I was scared of how much blood there was. DH urged me to call the midwife. She was on duty and called me back. The bleeding had slowed by then, and she said everything sounded normal, and as long as the bleeding slowed, I should try to get some sleep. I got a good night's rest without further incident.

Sunday morning I was cramping heavily again, so we sent DS to play at my friend's house again. I passed a few more clots but by evening I felt fine. We had some company over, even. Monday morning I was cramping so badly again, DH stayed home from work. Ibuprofen helped with the cramping and I felt fine again by midday. I had an appointment with the midwife that afternoon. I decided I really wanted another u/s to see if I had passed the sac or not. How long would this process take? They did agree to do another u/s although they said they might not be able to see well. The OB that came to look was also very kind. He saw that there was still some material low down inside, couldn't say exactly what, that it would surely come out in the next 12-24 hours and there was no need to intervene. Sigh. Home again.

Today I felt mildly crampy and was still bleeding, but nothing major. At about 12:45pm, I went to pee, and felt pressure, like something was about to come out. Then out came something larger and firmer. It plopped into the toilet. Rather undramatic! I looked and knew it was the sac. I decided to fish it out with a spoon, while DS looked on, asking me what I was doing. Geez. I told him I was cleaning the toilet. It was about the size of a lime, dark red with whitish flecks inside. I didn't want to look too closely. I put it in a clean ziplock bag and put inside another bag. I called DH to tell him it came out. As luck would have it, a friend was coming over for lunch who is a lab technician. She offered to have a look and she felt certain it was the sac. She was very kind. I cried a bit. Our boys played and we had lunch.

I have the sac in the fridge, unsure whether I will have it analyzed or bury it somewhere meaningful. DH said it is up to me.

It has been a longer process than I expected, but I don't regret letting my body do it naturally. I am in awe of my body, in fact. I feel blessed with DS and DH. I feel hopeful for the next one.

Best wishes to you all.
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#94 of 443 Old 10-19-2005, 12:01 AM
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I do know how hard this is.

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#95 of 443 Old 11-12-2005, 04:39 AM
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Hi everyone,

I finally am able to finish my story and post it here. I know it’s long, you wouldn’t think it would be this much of an epic for such a short pregnancy. I miscarried a blighted ovum around 9 weeks along. I’m glad this thread was here – it was a big help to me as I was waiting for the miscarriage to happen. I hope my experience is helpful somehow.

I first had some brown spotting on October 28. I was seven weeks and one day along. It continued light throughout the weekend, usually brown but sometimes streaked with pink. It made me uneasy but I couldn’t do anything… I was out of town and wasn’t about to go to the ER for brown spotting with no pain.

On Monday, Halloween, I went in to the clinic and saw a different doctor than my usual OB. This woman was so wonderful to me – I’m thinking of switching permanently. She was so kind and compassionate, it really helped with this whole process. She ordered an ultrasound so my husband and I went up to get it done. I was prepared for whatever we might see. My symptoms for this pregnancy had been very mild. Almost no nausea, no sorness in my breasts, not even much thirst… I remembered being queasy, sore, and parched during my pregnancy with DD, so it threw me off. I was prepared for bad news, in my gut.

As the ultrasound started, a dark spot showed on the screen. I knew dark spots meant fluid. I asked, “Is that my bladder?” And the ultrasound tech said softly “that’s the gestational sac.” And I knew right then that this was not good. I knew at 7 weeks we should see a heartbeat, and there was nothing inside that dark hole. She searched for a long time, and offered up what she was looking for. Something that looked like a cheerio that would be a yolk sac, and a little thing flashing that would be the baby’s heart. There was nothing. She wiggled the wand up and down, side to side “checking along both axes” and nothing was there. Finally she removed the wand and said “I’m sorry, there’s just isn’t an easy way to say it” and she left without saying the thing that was so hard to say.

My DH and I were mostly stunned. I shed a few tears. Not many. He didn’t understand how this could happen. He’d never heard of it before. I had heard about it from my online friends, but wasn’t really prepared for it to happen to us. Later we decided that of all the ‘bad’ outcomes there could have been, this wasn’t so bad… there is no baby to lose. Easier to take than to see a baby there with a heartbeat that was in trouble and we couldn’t do anything… right?

The nice OB talked to me about options.. D&C versus waiting it out. I thought since I was already spotting, maybe this would take care of itself. We scheduled another u/s for Friday to see where the process was, and we’d decide then about what to do about a D&C or not.

Most of this week went pretty smoothly. I spotted lightly all week, and it gradually changed from brown to pink to red-streaked. My Friday appointment came and that day my emotional dam burst. I had been holding up so well, and for reasons I can’t explain, I lost control on Friday. Nothing at all would happen and I’d just start sobbing. It wasn’t even like I was thinking about losing the pregnancy and getting sad… I was just an emotional train wreck, not thinking about anything, just getting it out. I went to the ultrasound and the sac was the same size. My doctor talked to me again about options. I told her (in between tears) that in my gut I felt the miscarriage was going to start on its own soon. I was such a mess emotionally… my hormones must have just crashed for this to happen. I was spotting red now… something was going to happen. Anyway the only good day for a D&C was that day and I wasn’t quite ready to do it yet. So we decided on more waiting.

Saturday, I took my daughter to the mall play area for a half hour. When I went to the restroom at the mall, I passed a small clot. I freaked, decided the mall was NOT the place to have a miscarriage, and told my upset two-year-old that we would have to go home because mommy was sick. I bribed her with candy. I went home and nothing happened that night, but the spotting was heavier.

Sunday, I talked to one of my good friends who had been through a similar miscarriage two years ago. She described to me the pain and how suddenly it came on. After talking to her, I decided not to go to an awards dinner an hour away from home. Too far to travel, I didn’t want to have a miscarriage huddled on the bathroom floor of a university ballroom. I cancelled and arranged for other people to give my speeches. The spotting got heavier and became more like a period-type bleeding, but it was definitely not a miscarriage yet.

Monday came with nothing major to speak of. I went to work. I came home. I continued with the period-like bleeding but did not have a miscarriage. Mentally this was really starting to wear on me… this didn’t feel right. Miscarriages don’t happen like this. You don’t bleed gradually for weeks and weeks. You’re supposed to cramp and have pain and pass everything at once and be done with it. My hormones must be all messed up. My body was incapable of doing anything right this time around… couldn’t create a baby, sustain a pregnancy, or even get rid of it properly when it didn’t work out.

On Tuesday finally something happened (this was 1 week and 1 day from when the blighted ovum was diagnosed – so I was 8 ½ weeks along). That evening, as my husband was trying to put our DD to bed, I felt a pop and a gush… I went in the bathroom and sat down and a big chunk of flesh had come out of me. It looked like a bloody piece of liver there in the toilet. I stared at it. I actually fished it out with a spoon (don’t tell my husband) and tried to figure out if it was the sac. I couldn’t tell… it was torn and flat, so probably not. My husband came downstairs to ask for help with DD and I said “I think I just had the miscarriage. It didn’t even hurt.”

But it wasn’t over. I felt another pop and a gush and sat down and more came out. And then more. Every time I’d finish and clean myself up and put on a fresh pad and flush, I’d have another gush and have to sit right back down on the toilet and pass more clots and tissue.

About 10:15 is when the pain set in… a pain that filled my whole abdomen. It was especially bad on the lower back and right on the cervix. I took a Darvocet and went upstairs. I found some relief if I got on all fours with my butt in the air. I lay like that for a half hour, but did not feel any more gushes. By 11:00pm or so the pain had subsided enough that I lay down in bed. By midnight the cramping had stopped completely and I fell asleep, fitfully.

Wednesday, I did not go to work. I could tell I wasn’t done with this process because of the incredible pressure I had last night… there was still something in there that had to come out. When nothing happened in the morning, I got brave and took DD to the grocery store. While I was taking the groceries out to the car… I felt another pop and gush and started cursing my stupidity. I sat on a blanket and hoped I wouldn’t make a huge mess in the car. Amazingly, the mess was completely confined to a pad, soaked from end to end. I passed a ton of awful clots. I put poor DD down for a nap without even a story… thankfully she was feeling agreeable and fell asleep quickly (I hope I never take for granted how awesome she has been through this whole nightmare), so I could focus my energy on running to the bathroom and changing pads. I called my OB to let her know what was going on. She wanted me to come in for one more ultrasound to see how things were progressing… I made my husband come home from work early and I drove myself to the doctor’s office. I used the bathroom there once every ten minutes or so, and passed more clots. The ultrasound tech said the sac was still in there, but it was moving. It moved closer to the cervix just in the time I was in there for the scan. There was still quite a bit of tissue around it. More???!?!! I could not believe the massive amounts of bloody flesh that were coming out of me. It was absolutely gory. I couldn’t tell if I was soaking more than a pad an hour because most everything ended up in the toilet. But I felt fine, my skin color was good, I’d had a good lunch and had energy. I didn’t even have much pain. This was just extremely gross.

That office visit, we scheduled a D&C for Friday. I decided that my body was going to have to finish the miscarriage in the next two days, and if it didn’t, I was going to force the issue. This had dragged on so long and I was so tired and wanted my life back. I got blood drawn and answered pre-op questions and the nurse who helped me fill out forms said she felt she was pretty sure I’d just finish the miscarriage by Friday.

That evening, by 7pm, I was done passing clots and tissue. I still felt an incredible pressure on the cervix and knew there was more coming. Would this ever end?

Thursday came. Exactly 9 weeks along now from my last menstrual period, and a week and a half from my diagnosis. That morning I planned to go to a 9am meeting with a financial planner and then to work. However at 8am I felt another pop and a gush… and knew I wasn’t going anywhere that morning. I arranged for my husband to drop off some papers for me at work, and I sat at home on the toilet all morning. My parents were in to visit and help out with DD, which was somewhat of a help, but there was nothing they could do for me to make me feel better. I was miserable. I wasn’t really in pain, but I was trapped between watching TV and going to the toilet for hours. And I still hadn’t passed the sac. Inherently this is a very lonely process. It is a hard road that no one can walk for you.
By noon the blood and gore was over but I *still* felt that awful pressure right there on my cervix, and the best analogy I can think of is that I felt corked. No blood or tissue was coming out because something big was sitting there, right on top of the cervix, not letting anything else out. I knew it was the sac. My cervix dilated enough to let out an 8 ½ pound baby.. and it refused to dilate enough to let out a sac the size of an apricot. I was going mad. I cried on my mom’s shoulder, I whined about the unfairness of it all, I cried about the lost time and lost chances and the pregnancy that could have been.

Friday, finally. I passed no more clots and had no more gushes. I went to an ultrasound at 11:30 before the D&C. I told the tech I was sure I knew what we’d see. The sac would be there and sitting right on top of the cervix. You know what? It was. Right there. Very low and just sitting there. All the tissue around it was gone… I was just corked up like I thought.

I was ready for the D&C… I had eaten no food and drank no liquid, I had a change of clothes and a dear husband who would drive me home and take care of me. The OB came in (the same kind OB I saw from the first visit) and I ranted about how awful my last three days had been. I’d been miscarrying for three days, my body couldn’t get it right, now I just wanted it over. I was ready. She said, kind of in a rush, that she thought maybe we could get the sac out without a D&C. Maybe she could reach in and just fish it out. We decided to try. She moved me to a room, used a speculum and a thing that looked like round tweezers, and … it didn’t even hurt. She just pulled the sac out and she was done. I asked to see it. It was there on a white sheet, like a fat bloody Vienna sausage. It was really kind of amazing. She poked at it a little to see if it was a blood clot or tissue, and determined it was tissue. She said that was definitely it, and she apologized for seeming disrespectful to it. I didn’t mind. It didn’t hold a baby, but it was still a perfect little thing that shared DNA with me and my husband. She took it away for testing and I let her. It gave me some sense of closure to see it. I am not religious at all and I surprised myself by thinking sometimes things do seem to happen for a reason. If I had miscarried completely on my own, I’m not sure I would have recognized the sac. If I’d had the D&C, I never would have seen it. This way, I got the closure I needed. I felt a big sense of relief and a lot of respect.. for me, my body, the baby that wasn’t, all the women in the world that have ever suffered this kind of loss.

From the ultrasound we could tell my endometrium was still thickened, so I’m having period-like bleeding now and I expect I will for a few days. I’m a little apprehensive, hoping that everything goes normally from here on out, but worried that it won’t, somehow. I’ll bleed for weeks or have weird things with my hormones that prevent me from cycling naturally… I hope that doesn’t happen, but my luck hasn’t been great for the past couple of weeks and I don’t know what to think anymore.

My emotions have been up and down since then. Mostly I feel relief and a readiness to move on. Occasionally I get emotional and cry and feel lost. Going to the bookstore tonight gave me an unexpected sense of loss, seeing the pregnancy books, the children’s books, the parenting magazines. Even though I look at children’s books all the time for DD, tonight it made me feel just lonely. I miss looking forward to first kicks, the twenty-week ultrasound, my due date in June.

But I’m ok knowing that time will soften the blow and we can try again for a baby very soon. It’s easier to have patience as time goes on. I know we’ll get there and overall the future looks pretty bright.
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#96 of 443 Old 11-20-2005, 05:39 PM
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I wish I'd had this thread when I had my first miscarriage, it would have helped me.

With my first, I was about 6-7 weeks pregnant. It was a surprise, because I was on birth control, but so very wanted.
I was so excited. I didn't tell many people, but I did tell some. Some just guessed on their own by how different I looked.
Late at night I went to the bathroom and saw a spot of blood. I thought, "Oh god I had a period and wasn't pregnant at ALL!" at first. But the next morning there was no more blood. I put a pantyliner on just the same, and hoped that it was just a fluke.
I started having terrible shoulder pain the next afternoon, the day before I was going in to have my first doctor appointment. I felt sick, and in pain. I went home early. My then-fiance-now-husband was not with me at the time (he lived 1500 miles away), I had my best friend. She knew what was happening before I could admit to it.

The cramps were horrible, and felt so different then any other menstrual cramp I'd ever had. I lay in bed for hours, bleeding, and crying, and holding her hand and trying to tell her why these felt so wrong.
She pressed a carved stone egg into my stomach and meditated with me, easing my little spirit to wherever she was going.

After I'd spent a few days recovering, she gave me the egg as a gift and told me to hold it whenever I felt sad, because she'd come back to me.

I had one other miscarriage before the birth of my daughter, and was completely unaware of it. It was a month before I got married and all I remember is an abnormal cycle and very heavy bleeding.

I had two miscarriages after my daughter. One was extremely early: 5 weeks.
Another was after I had an IUD put in. I started spotting the day it was inserted and didn't stop for three months. I was assured this was normal and my fertility hadn't returned (I hadn't yet had a period after giving birth to my daughter). Around 3.5 months after I had the IUD inserted, I had a huge increase in bleeding, pain, and felt nauseated. I pulled out my Diva Cup that evening and my IUD was inside. Along with it was a reddish, translucent jelly-like sac almost the same size. I got scared, because I knew that wasn't part of me, and threw everything in the bathtub and ran the water.
I went to the ER and a doctor palpated my uterus, did an internal, and told me that I had undoubtably miscarried. She drew blood for records, but it took over 4 months to get my doctor to tell me I'd been pregnant.
I'd had no idea I was pregnant, or how far along I was.

photosmile2.gifBabs + trekkie.gifCurtis - Parents of Tempest blahblah.gif(08/07/03 autismribbon.gif), Jericho angel2.gif(11/01/05 ribboncesarean.gif), Xan moon.gif(10/03/06 uc.jpghbac.gif), Zephyra baby.gif(06/02/11 hbac.gif). mdcblog5.gif @ babyslime.livejournal.com

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#97 of 443 Old 11-26-2005, 02:03 PM
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First of all, I should introduce myself. This is my first post, this forum was suggested to me by someone on another message board. I'm Lyn, I live in Indianapolis, I have a wonderful fiancee. I wasn't going to mention this at first because you never know how people'll be, but we're lesbians, and in addition to my miscarriage in September, she's had two since we've been together and two before me, and I guess that's relevant. Her name is Bailey, and I'm very appreciative of this thread. These are the things that I've always wished I could tell her, and she'd listen, but I know that she really doesn't want the mental images that I have.

I had some bleeding at about 5 weeks and thought that maybe either the test had been wrong and I wasn't pregnant, or it was an early miscarriage. I was crushed, but I tried to suck it up and not lose it, and then a few weeks later noticed that none of my symptoms, morning sickness, etc. had gone away, and I'd had terrible morning sickness. I thought that maybe, maybe, that had just been normal spotting - it was really more than spotting, but I'd been told that some women have an apparently normal period during the first month of pregnancy - but tried to convince myself that I was grasping at straws and in denial. I couldn't shake what my intuition (and constant nausea) was saying, so I got another test, and lo and behold - I was still pregnant. I was overjoyed.

At 9 or 10 weeks, I woke up bleeding. I knew that it wasn't just a period (I was still, in the back of my mind, thinking that my luck wasn't that good and the positive test was a mistake) because my periods start slow, with just spotting for a full day. But I woke up and went to the bathroom, and the insides of my thighs were covered with blood. I couldn't get out of going to work. I went to work, and was cramping terribly, and had a weird feeling of indigestion. I could hardly stand to walk across the room. I knew that you weren't supposed to use tampons during a miscarriage and I knew that this was a miscarriage, but I was at work and had no choice, and I bled through a maximum absorbancy tampon every half hour or less. I left work as soon as I could, went home, and got into a warm bath. I started passing large clots, bigger than any normal period clots, and just layed back in the bathtub, crying and trying not to look at anything in the water. Bailey had told me what she'd seen with her miscarriages, and I didn't want to see it.

I was weak, and I eventually got out of the tub, and as I did, felt something come out. Without glasses it looked like a huge blood clot, and I picked up with a towel.

It wasn't until I miscarried that I found out that I'd been carrying twins. They were each about an inch long, and what I could never forget was that they had hands and hearts... I never realized how hard this would be to write. In the left center of each of their chests was a little dark red, almost black thing about the size of the entire lead tip of a pencil, which I suppose could've been something else but I took to be their hearts. I never knew for sure, but I've always thought of them as boys. My best friend who miscarried a few years ago says that she knew without question that her baby was a boy, just from the energy. I never did name them. Maybe I should. Maybe it would help.

Anyway, there it is. That's the first time that I've ever told that entire story.
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#98 of 443 Old 11-30-2005, 01:52 AM
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I've lost two. You never forget though it does get easier with time.

The first was on Dec 2, 1990. Dh was in the Gulf during desert storm while I stayed with his mom... I found out I was pregnant shortly after dh left. I began having tummy cramps around the 10 week mark but didn't think a lot about it I already had one dd who was 1 1/2 I never imagined anything could be wrong.. I visited the doctor faithfully yet at my 12 week appt. the dr. said he thought I may be carrying twins and would like to do an ultrasound to find out for sure... He told me this but also said to not get to excited and not to run home and get in touch with dh.. (I should have paid better attention-- been able to read between the lines better but I didn't) I shouldn't tell this until we were sure. YEAH right!! Dh called that night (I had nothing to do with this as I had no way of contacting him). I told him about the possibility of twins and we both shared in the exciting prospect of having two babies at once.
I went in the next morning with my mil and mils sister. Mil went back with me to get the u/s so she could see her grandbaby(ies) for the first time. The u/s had barely started and the nurse said "I don't see any movement" and "there's no heartbeat"... I wasn't too excited I just said "well maybe I'm not as far along as you think I am" to this she came back with "NO your baby is dead!" I totally broke down... fell apart right there and then for not only did I just lose one baby but the possibility of two. I couldn't see through my tears as I walked across the hall to the dr.s office... before I even entered his room he asked me "when can I pencil you in for a D&C?" I said I didn't believe him or his hateful nurse and that he wouldn't be scheduling me any time soon for one to which I was told I had better be careful because I could bleed to death and I wouldn't want to leave my dd with out a mommy! I went home and prayed/cried myself to sleep that night.
The next morning I called a family dr/friend and asked for him to perform another u/s just to ease my mind. He originally didn't want to but after a little persuasion on my part he agreed. The u/s revealed there was only one baby and it had been deceased for two weeks. I ended up going through a d&c without dh--VERY hard.
I lost an innocence with this pregnancy loss and a ton of respect for dr's in general.

The second was in May of 1996. I was again 12 weeks pregnant but this time I began bleeding along with tummy cramps... I went to the hospital; an u/s was preformed which revealed a teeny tiny baby with a beating heart in a very large sack. I saw the baby on the u/s. It only mildly reassured me. I continued to bleed for several days and the tummy cramps gradually grew worse to a point I ended up back in the ER. I begged them to do something the baby was still alive but there was nothing that could be done. (I later found out that the baby wasn't growing properly). I rode home again and to me it felt like the last few contractions at the end of labor I was doing my "choo choo" breathing (from Lamaze) to cope. I walked to the house made it to the bed. Dh barely laid down when I heard a loud POP dh heard it too it was all over.. I immediately felt 100% better. I went to the bathroom where I found a white bean looking thing and a ton of blood nothing else. I took this with me back to the hospital. I was hemorrhaging so another d&c was preformed. I was more at peace with this loss as I could see it coming... I knew it was inevitable. I was offered a small ceramic jar and the ashes of this baby for a family burial if I chose which I did. I purchased two jars one for the first baby too... even though I didn't have that baby I still had u/s pictures and a small rattle and socks that I had purchased... So those things were placed in the jar and we had a small ceremony for both losses. We also released a pink and blue balloon (I always envisioned the first to be a boy the second a girl). It was a great release, much needed closure.

With my pregnancy with DS I was a basket case! To put it mildly!! I've lost every other pregnancy and he was the every other. I made it to 12 weeks and began bleeding. I KNEW I was going to lose him. I never allowed my heart to get attached EVER (how sad is that?). I was diagnosed with low lying placenta and placed on bed rest. Then at 30 weeks I began having preterm labor. I was placed on meds to stop labor. Thankfully I was wrong and I now have a very health 6 month old and couldn't be any happier.
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#99 of 443 Old 12-18-2005, 09:14 PM
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I waited about three weeks from the time I found out that I most likely did not have a viable pregnancy until the time I finally m/c. I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of Nov 05 and went to the dr on Nov 21. My MW did some blood tests because she saw bleeding on my cervix and because I did not have any pregnancy symptoms other than a positive test. The next day, I found out that my pregesterone was very low. My MW offered me progesterone supplements, but I chose not to take them because I had felt all along that something bad was going to happen with this pregnancy. I had an u/s on Dec 1 and the baby measuered 7w2d and we couldn't see a heartbeat but the technician said that my bladder was too full (and I tried twice to empty it) and was not allowing her a clear view of the baby. On Dec 8, I went back for another u/s and still no heartbeat could be seen but the technician said that a color u/s machine would give a clearer view and that she'd have my MW refer me to a local hospital for that. The color u/s was set up to be done on Dec 13 - I ended up not needing that appointment.

On Dec 12, I got up and went to work as usual. When I got to work, I went to the bathroom as usual, but when I was washing my hands I felt a weird feeling in my uterus/cervix/vagina area. It felt kind of like jello was coming out of me. I take two steps towards the door of the bathroom and realized that the 'jello' was coming out of me then. I go back into the stall, sit down, and out comes the 'jello'. I wasn't sure what it was, but I could tell it was not a clump of blood so I reach into the toilet and pull out a fully intact sac. It was clear but with a yellowish tint to it and I could clearly see the baby inside. After that, the floodgates open and I bled fairly heavily (about two pads in the next hour). By the time I got to my MWs office an hour later, the bleeding had greatly reduced to only being about as heavy as a heavy period day but I had no major pain or cramping (only as bad as a regular period). By the next day, my bleeding had slowed to a medium flow day. On Wed Dec 14, I passed another clump that, again, felt like jello sliding out of me which my MW said was normal tissue that sometimes comes out (gee, I would have like to have been warned that this would happen). My bleeding stopped on Sat, Dec 17. I honestly had very little pain (no worse than a period) and my bleeding (other than the first couple of hours) was only slightly heavier and slightly longer than a regular period.

I do realize that my m/c seems to have been very different from other's experience (in terms of pain and bleeding) but it was no less emotionally difficult for me. Physicially, it wasn't very bad which may have helped me deal with the emotional part of it a bit better than I expected I would. Also, my MW was surprised to see the sac as intact as it was and she did explain it to me (as in 'this is where the placenta was forming', 'this the yolk sac', etc) which also may have helped me deal with it emotionally a bit better than I thought I would.


I recently changed my username, but I still say "Hello" to all those who know me in real life! Hi P, S, T and K!
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#100 of 443 Old 01-07-2006, 07:43 PM
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I want to add my story because reading through these has helped me immensely. I knew what to expect & didn't panic when it got dramatic.
It's still fresh on my mind & I'm not entirely sure it's over, I'm still spotting.
On Friday the 30th I went for my first prenatal appt, they did an u/s & were only able to see a sac measuring 4w6d, and through charting I knew it was supposed to be 6w4d. I had suspected a problem earlier on when my constipation turned into other GI problems & I had only fleeting moments of nausea but extreme fatigue. I tried to find reassurance in that but just had a feeling.
The MW's plan was to do another U/S in 2wks, and I was dreading the wait. 2 days later, on new years day, I started cramping very deep & spotting. By bedtime it was bright red, light flow. The following day I started passing some clots & had medium flow & more cramping... it hurt into my lower back & I wanted to squat & do pelvic rocks/tilts. On the third day the bleeding slowed down considerably & the cramping/aching back got much worse. By the afternoon I was extremely uncomfortable and felt a lot of pressure at my cervix. I started using the heating pad on my lower back & tummy, it helped. A few mamas suggested I try blue cohosh so dh went out & got some... I took the "recommended dose" and got into the shower. I felt the need to really scrub, i have no idea if this made a difference in the progress but it felt good & really cleansing. I suddenly felt the urge to push and did so & out came a mass along w/really large clots. I was in a little bit of shock but thought to stop the drain. I squatted & stared at it, it was surreal. It wasn't as dramatic as I was expecting. I poked around in it & saw what looked like the sac & placental tissue.. the sac looked like a deflated cocktail onion, only larger, and the placental tissue was whitish streaked w/ blood & had a bumpy surface, about the size of half my palm. I called to my dh & he brought me a jar. I pulled out the tissue and put it in there & finished my shower... feeling great & peaceful about the whole thing. I felt great about my body's ability to take care of itself... and calm about the loss. That night I had very heavy bleeding at times but pressure was gone & I thought the worst was behind me. On Wed. I had more cramping but lighter flow again, a few med. sized clots that would only come out when I used the bathroom... in fact from this point on that's the only time I would pass clots. I was feeling calm about the whole thing & thought it was all getting better. Thursday started out a lot like Wed., cramping & mild bleeding... but I had to go to the hosp. for blood work & a rhogam shot, while there I passed a massive clot, probably the size of a plum and had a lot of cramping. After the clot I began to bleed pretty heavily again. When I was leaving the hospital, taking the elevator down, the grief hit me like a wave. I fell apart. It was sleeting out & when I heard the sound of frozen rain on some dried hydrangeas I truly began to feel the loss. I think that's when the shock of it all wore off, I was consumed by sadness. Friday morning started out w/cramping & med. bleeding, by lunch I was an emotional wreck. I started bleeding heavily, passing small bits of grey tissue & felt even more pressure on my cervix. I was trying the tilts/rocks, heating pad. I was miserable. And felt out of control w/my emotions. Luckily, my dd spent the afternoon & evening w/my IL's. Dh came home at 5 & I had just tried to get in touch w/my MW but got a recording. I was considering going to the hospital because I was feeling so weak & had a lot of pain & low grade fever. We sat & watched a movie, I had a lot of pressure & pain. I started crying out of nowhere and had to get up & use the bathroom. When I sat down I started to really cry & out came another large mass, again the size of a plum. Since we were at home we fished it out because I wanted to inspect it. It was mostly clots. But part of it was a knobby, fleshy mass... and it scared me to death. It looked like a piece of a more advanced fetus, but broken down some. I started looking online to see if it was even POSSIBLE... so many things were running through my mind. I was so afraid to go to the hospital w/ it, wanting to wait until Monday to bring it to my MW. I have such a fear of hospitals, esp. ER's. I talked w/a friend & she calmed me, explaining that it may have been scar tissue. I had to go w/that theory because it wasn't nearly as gruesome as my first explanation. I did some research & think it may be a fibroid. I'll have to wait & see if they can identify it. After that passed, the bleeding picked up considerably. It's hard to say how much, I was using dd's flatfold diapers folded up, several times I soaked all the way through the 8 layers, not much but a drop or so would make it all the way through. The cramps began to subside & today I'm once again feeling that everything has passed. I have spotting to light flow and no cramps. I do have pain & pressure if i have to use the bathroom but other than that I feel back to normal in my tummy. I am pretty weak and need to eat some good iron-rich foods but I *think* the worst is behind me, physically.
Emotionally I feel a little more evened out today. I was feeling so irrational yesterday and it peaked right before the tissue passed. Today I am sad, but calm. I'm not dealing as well as I thought I would. I had a loss in '95, a blighted ovum.. I had the d& c, it was a very cold & hollow experience. I didn't enjoy much of my dd's pregnancy worrying, and knew that if given another pg I had to be positive, no matter what the outcome would be... what is it.. hope for the best, prepare for the worst & shoot down the middle... only there's no way to guard against the pain you experience w/the loss of a pregnancy. It's just plain sad.
ETA~The MW said the tissue was pooled blood along w/left over placental tissue. It looked much scarier than that to me, but after it passed my body started getting back to normal. The bleeding has slowed down & I've been just spotting for 2 days, no cramps. Starting to feel kind of "normal" again.

Lots of healing vibes. Many Blessings, Kelly
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#101 of 443 Old 01-18-2006, 04:48 PM
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This thread helped me a lot too so I wanted to add my experience. At 14 DPO of my first PP cycle (1st cycle in nearly 2 years) I found out I was pg. The night before I had a dream that I was pg with twins so I decided to test- even though I wasn't even positive I had ovulated- I thought maybe I was sick and had higher temps. I had some s/x but mild (sore breasts nursing, bloating, and heartburn that was the worst that I've ever felt in my life and NOTHING helped). Well, 3 days later I got sick- felt like I had the flu. I had the shivers and then hot flashes and night sweating- I haven't had the flu in years so I thought it was odd. With my 102 fever I went to sleep and had a dream that I m/c'd. The day after the dream I POAS'd and it was still dark BFP... but then I started to have bleeding- light, but that is a regular AF for me (this was NY's Eve). I knew it was over- instantly it seemed all my s/x were gone. I continued to bleed for another 6 days (I normally only have a 1-2 day AF), getting + HPTs the entire time (was checking to see if my HCG level was going down- they were getting lighter but still 2 lines). I had NO pain until the 6th day- then I got bad cramping and a backache for 2 days. By day 11 of bleeding I retested and HPT was -. I bled 13 days total and was 17 DPO when I started to bleed. I saw very few very small clots after the pain started (about the size of capers). I didn't, and still do not, feel any sense of loss. I'm grateful that this happened earlier rather than later and accept that in the greater scheme of things there was a reason for this to happen. I was very confused about how long I bled, etc til I read this post. I would like to thank you all for sharing your experiences- I'm very sorry for your losses mamas
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#102 of 443 Old 01-23-2006, 10:36 AM
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This thread helped me so much when I started spotting. I thought I'd add another account. I wrote this to send to someone I'd met online who had been waiting to miscarry naturally.

Both of the midwives we were considering use only fetoscopes until labor so we hadn't even heard a heartbeat, let alone had an ultrasound by the time I started bleeding, one day shy of twelve weeks (Saturday, December 3, 2005).
The bleeding was pretty light, but alarming, at first. Bright red and somewhat clotty but only like the clots of a period. It continued for about two days in that way - I would only "spot" when i went to the toilet - nothing in between. Being unsure was so difficult. I think I thought mostly that a miscarriage was inevitable but by Monday morning I was in a hopeful mood wishing it was related to placental implantation or some other fluke. I'd been so still for those 48 hours that I finally decided that we needed a nice walk in the snow for air, to see if it stopped or started something, to clear my clouded head. I laid on the ground. I think I'd been thinking all along that if I could just sit on the ground, if it wasn't frozen, my body would respond by releasing or holding on. Really, I think I was holding on too.
When we got home and warmed up I took off my wind pants and my daughter slid her whole little body into one leg of them. We had called the new baby Lentil and then recently decided that that name was no longer fitting and my husband had started calling the baby Caterpillar. Maeve, my daughter, started sliding across the kitchen floor, and in a voice not quite her own said, "I'm goin' away now. I'm changing. I'm not a caterpillar anymore. I'm changing into a butterfly."
I gasped. I quietly started to sob. I felt the first large clot fall into my vagina.
One of the midwives mentioned having a colander by the toilet to pee though. I grabbed one (and a beautiful ceramic Mexican bowl) and from this point on I pretty much had enough warning that I made it to the bathroom for all the large clots. At first the clots were red maroon and about dime to quarter sized. I also thought I saw a mucous plug - sort of red and white striated but all loose and flattened out. No pain, no cramping. This lasted about an hour or two.
Maeve went to sleep and my husband came home and I started to experience contraction like cramping. Slow and strange at first, and I found my self rocking back and forth, little breaks in between, still not much change in what I was passing. I tried to remember that this "pain" was purposeful, my body was doing amazing work totally intuitively. I thought of the contractions as "rushes" of energy (Ina May Gaskin) and tried to be thankful for a conclusion to this struggle. Though this really varies from woman to woman, I did not experience the contractions as pain, just pressure, and as long as I stood or leaned and swayed the pressure was useful and deal-able. I also used a heating pad. I called my midwife from Portland several times and she really helped to walk me through it. The insight I got from the five (FIVE!) midwives I talked with during this whole process was invaluable. (Three of the five had had natural miscarriages themselves.) She told me to expect clots that were fairly solid and sort of "liver-like". So don't be scared when they get larger. Or, rather, be scared but just for a second, and then realize that it is normal. My body took a little rest and I talked with my husband with the heating pad on my belly. It was quiet and late and sweet. Just like a labor where you sometimes get a lull before the pushing, after this phase I began to pass some much larger clots. I was surprised by how much bigger. I think 2 by 3 inches or so. Anyway, big. Shocking. Amazing. And a lot of blood. Never so much that I got really scared. The rule I heard was soaking (truly SOAKING) more that a pad every 30 minutes was considered dangerous and would probably merit a trip to the ER. (Although I also heard every 15 minutes.) I found it a bit difficult to measure because I spent so much time on the toilet when I could feel something coming. But it all felt efficient. And I felt safe.
After I passed some large clots things really started to taper off. I started to feel a sort of a sense of peace and was suddenly very sleepy. I got up a fee times to pee and was still bleeding, maybe redder, but not anything that seemed like too much. Sara (our beloved midwife) said it will ease out, and there will be a lot of blood, clots, tissue, but it should never pour out. I think this helped me gauge.
We met with a midwife in the morning. We had made the appointment before we knew the miscarriage was imminent. We were hoping she could check for a heartbeat with a doppler. We went to thank her for her willingness to help and tell her that we were sure the pregnancy was ending. We went out to breakfast. We thought it was over.
Later that day I passed another large clot. Very solid. (Often large clots are followed by a little gush of red blood.) A little firm clot in the middle that I thought might be the baby. I wasn't sure. Most often the fetus is lighter. This clot (did it have eyes?) was very dark red. I thought, "Now it's over."
The next afternoon I was was feeling kind of puffy and stiff and my perineum was sore and I had a toothache (minor) on one side of my mouth. I took a homeopathic remedy that fit this crazy list of symptoms. Arnica. Made from a plant that gets beaten about by the wind on mountaintops. Good for when you're feeling "bruised". It was the first medicine I'd taken since I'd gotten pregnant. It was the first time in the process that I felt like I needed a little help. So I took three little white sugar pills that supposedly have the energetic force of a tiny flower wrapped around them. I don't know if... but... An hour later I was totally surprised "WHOA!" when I passed a huge clot a bit smaller than a light bulb but the same shape. The shape of a uterus. "This is a good sign," I thought. I thought maybe this meant it was the last of it and that it had clotted to the shape of my womb and so there would be nothing left behind. I was troubled by the thought of a D&C. I can fully understand that it would be easier for some, but it sounded so traumatic to me. I'm sure what I've described here would be utterly traumatic to some. For me, it was part of my healing from this loss. The time of waiting gave us time to process. People were sending us love and wishes. We contemplated. Everything. It was utterly sad. But it was amazing too. Amazing to be in the shadow of birth. To see THIS part of the process - ultimately the same process that results in an eight pound human with fingernails! When Maeve was born I read that some laboring women feel a connection to all women, all mothers. I don't remember that. But in this time I do - and I did - feel one with all mothers (as you have mothered the tiny being you lost) who had stood and cried, released their hopes of a child, and bled. Strangely, I've never felt more connected to a group. And I was so viserally reminded of my daughter's lovely birth. I didn't know until I felt those rushes again how much I'd forgotten of the sensations.
Then I opened the clot. Inside was a tiny, perfect, clear, amber sac. Attached carefully to the center of a beautiful placenta. All purple and shimmering silver. And empty. Empty but for one tiny egg white bit attached to one side.
It's possible that the baby passed first, and the sac healed itself back up. The placenta had clotted so perfectly around it.
But I think the baby was barely formed. A Blighted Ovum. Just the start.
All this is just to say: If I had been in Portland, if I had found a midwife with a doppler, if I had chosen an OB, if, if, if, I would have know this weeks and weeks ago. Could I have waited to miscarry naturally? I don't know. I do know that I'm so glad everything happened the way it did. I feel at peace. Desperately sad, but at peace. I'm proud of, not angry, with my body. I feel capable - that beautiful placenta! - not forsaken.
Not that I don't have bad days - days when Maeve sees me weeping and whispering "Trust" and "Release" over and over. My mantra.

A month after I wrote this I have been much sadder and, at times, bitterly angry, but it helps me to remember how pleased I was at the time with my body, with the process. I said at the time that I felt blessed in both my birth and my miscarriage. And hopefully I'll get back to that peace.
I don't think I'll be able to conceive again until this anger subsides.

Thank you again for this thread.
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#103 of 443 Old 02-02-2006, 01:18 AM
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Edited to add more info in a minute

Mother is the word for God on the hearts and lips of all little children--William Makepeace Thackeray
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#104 of 443 Old 02-02-2006, 02:18 AM
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On Wed Jan 19,2000 I had a gush of blood. No Cramping. I called my Dr she said go home get some rest. Everything seemed fine. Sat Jan 22 dh and I got married. Wed Jan 27, 2000 I had a nother gush of blood. Doc ordered an u/s. The baby had died, It was measuring 13 wks. I thought I was 15 wks. Doc told me to wait for it to pass on its own. So we wait.. for about 2wks and nothing. Dh and I were staying with a friends 15yr old while they were in NY. At about 6 I felt some really wierd sensations in my low abdomen. No cramping. Almost kind of like a vibration. I put on a pad. Then when I would have a contraction brownish fluid would come out. I started to have pain with them. I told Jacob that I was going to be having the misscarriage tonight. If anything goes wrong I could end up in the hospital. He looked confused. 15year olds don't have a clue. We went to bed and I remember moaning with a contraction. Then I felt a pop inside of me witha huge gush of liquid. I went to the bathroom. I peed and when I wiped the baby was right there in my tissue. I looked at it. I remember being surpised by how much it was formed. the head eyes ears nose hands torso legs... I was immediately in love. I thought it was beautiful. I cried. It was a miracle to me though. To think that my body could grow another human. I started bleeding. I moved into the bath tub to clean up. The blood was gushing at regular intervals(with each contrax) I remember being told to expect some bleeding. The blood wouldn't stop. The water was so bright red with blood. I got out and put on a pad and immediately filled it with bllod. At that piont we called my mom who lived next door to my friends. She came over adn Terrell had to carry me downstairs. Then he stood me up to put on my shoes I passed out from losing so much blood. We were going to go to the hospital where my Doc practices but it was too far. I went to the local ER and they had to do an emergency D&C. I had a piece of placenta that would not came out. I was released the next day. The next week my midwife organized a burial ceremony. I think seeing my baby and having a burial really helped me heal. I often tell my dh that I wouldn't change it if I could do all over agian. He however said that I would just have a D&C, It really took a toll on him. THat is why he wouldnt' let me have a homebirth with Gareth and why Viola was born in a freestanding birthcenter 2 min from a hospital.
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#105 of 443 Old 02-03-2006, 08:38 PM
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whew...reliving them...hope it helps someone...

dh and i had been ttc for over a year, after 11 yrs together, so we were excited beyond belief.
we were flying to colorado with a layover in phoenix. descending into phoenix, i felt cramping, and it felt 'wrong'. at the airport i went to the bathroom and there was light pink blood. i called my midwife and she said it could be okay, because it wasn't red, but that it was a 'threatened m/c'. these words sent me into tears. i was breaking down on the electric walkway, and it sucked. and we still had to hop on the plane to fly to denver. we were headed to a little town to check out a few houses we were interested in, via leadville. i asked my mw if the elevation changes would be okay. she said there is no evidence that elevation changes cause m/c. i disagree, but it's irrelevant at this point. dh and i sent pure white light to the babe the whole next flight, and in denver there was no blood. in silverton the blood was red. i bled lightly through the night in leadville. the next day we were in the middle of nowhere. the cramping got progressively worse until i got really scared. we stayed in our friends rv, as it was the only bathroom for miles and miles. i sat up on the commode for hours as the cramps turned into excruciating pain. the mw said i should go to the er if i had severe bleeding, severe pain, or a high fever. dh kept freaking out, "is this severe pain?" yes, but it's coming in waves, so i think they are contractions, which seems normal. (i'm scared of the hospital, so really didn't want to have to make the journey). i was passing clots for hours, and it really felt like a knife was turning in my abdomen. i couldn't lie down for the pain, so i just held myself up over the pot, cuz sitting hurt too much. eventually i remembered ina may, once i realized there was no saving it, and started to 'ride' the contractions, rather than fight them. this made it so much easier, albeit way more sad. letting go. but eventually things calmed down and i went to sleep. the next day we had to go look at the houses, cuz we had it all lined up and spent a lot on the trip. it was extremely hard, and i was very grumpy to the one super perky real estate lady, but then something very nice happened. at one of the houses dh and i took a walk back to the creek by ourselves. i squatted to pee and a clear sac with red and blue arteries and veins in it blobbed out, with no pain. i was able to release some emotions, crying and freaking out a bit. dh buried it on the side of the creek. then i had to get it back together to go back to the house and the agents. this is the house we bought, with our little love buried on the creek. i never even thought about going to the hospital, but in hindsight i'm glad i didn't, cuz i avoided a d&c, which is really scary to me.
we were pregnant again 3 months later. i only knew for a week, maybe, and then i drove down the pass, 6000 feet lower in elevation, to school. at lunch with classmates, one an md, i felt cramping. she said that was not a good sign. after they left, i went to the bathroom and saw blood. i knew what was coming. i knew i had to get home, an hour away, but first i needed underwear and a pad. i was having severe cramping as i hobbled into kmart to buy panties, just in shock that i was having to miscarry in that god-forsaken place. then i went to the hfs for pads. eiyiyi. then i sobbed the whole way home. the pain went away and i thought it was that easy, since it was only 5 weeks in, so i went back to school the next day. i went to see 'what the !@#$* do we know' that night with the md. right away i started to cramp again, and found myself hanging off of the tp holder in the bathroom, wondering again why i always seemed to find myself in such f***ed up places to have a m/c. half an hour or so later, i went back into the movie, as the cramps had lessened. the md never asked a single question! once again i thought it was over. a week later i woke up where we were camping and felt like i was going to pass the babe. i asked dh to walk with me to the pit toilets. the dog and cat followed, too. i sat on the toilet for awhile, just waiting. the cat, dog, and dh all sat around me. eventually a big blob passed, into the bottomless pit, and i felt that it was 'over'. it was very nice to finally have my family around for the closure to the experience.

treehugger.gif river and mountain mama to two amazing dust.gif girls, homebirth.jpg 8.25.05 and h20homebirth.gif 1.13.08, and married to my soulmate of 18 yrs partners.gif

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#106 of 443 Old 02-14-2006, 05:34 PM
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The "birth" story of our baby.


Warning this will be long and graphic.

I'm not even sure where to start. My dh and I were friends for six years, we dated for three and we have been married for eight. We were married Oct. 1997 and August 4, 1999 we found out we were going to be parents. I had hyperemesis and my water broke at 24 weeks, luckily at 40 weeks and 5 days I had via c-section a healthy baby boy. I should say that at the end of August my dh told me that he had diarrhea, and that everyone at his work had it. He was in the USMC at the time. Well weeks went by and he still had it. After many tests we found out that he had either ulcerative colitis or chrons disease. The dr asked if we wanted to have children and dh said that I was expecting. He said that "that was good because we may not be able to have more". The medicine is harsh and my dh was very near death so the USMC said he was no longer fit for duty and booted us out on New Year's Eve 2000.

We moved back to Louisiana and he was very ill. We always believed that if we were meant to have more children it would happen. Dh was put on medicine that would cause birth defects so we were very carful during that time. In June 2004 he stopped taking that medicine and we decided we would start ttc in 6 months. The dr. said he needed to be off the meds for 3 months before we tried, but we wanted to give it a little longer.

When my ds was three he started begging for us to have a baby. He would sometimes cry at night that he wanted a baby to love. He wants a sister, but he wants a blue one. lol It was heart breaking every month to get af. The pain, the clots, and the mass amount of blood volume was too much to take at times. I knew I should see a specialist, but kept putting it off. A friend told me about an herb that would help to unblock my tubes so in October I started taking it. My dh and I went away for our anniversary and thought for sure we would make a baby on that trip. On November 3, I got the worst af of my life. I am no stranger to pain, I've had kidney stones, ovarian cysts, gallstones, and 24 hours of 1 minute apart contractions with my ds. This af was like no other and I could not get out of the bed for 3 days. I had 3 clots at a time and they were the size of plums and I went through 30 cloth pads a day (thank goodness my friend owns a pad business). The pain was immense! I now believe that the herb cleaned me out.

I always get af by the 5th of the month so December 5th I woke up and took a test. It was there, what I had waited for years to see. It was faint, but it was there. Two beautiful lines! Everyone was elated! My symptoms were mild, only nausea. Then the symptoms went away. I told friends that I felt wonderful, but worried that they just stopped. Then Monday Jan. 9 I had nausea and was so happy to have symptoms again. Oh I need to backtrack a bit. A few months prior my dh started having a flare up and lost 30 pounds in a month, I thought he was going to die. He got better, but soon after finding out we were having a baby he started to have a flare up again. He is doing a little better now.

I did not want a planned c-section and I was having a hard time finding a ob/gyn to take me. So, I found out about a midwife at a local hospital that would assist me while I vbac. She did not take our insurance, but she took medicade so I went and applied. I was accepted so I took her my medical records from the naval hospital. I had never thought to look at them, but decided to do so and didn't see any information about the c-sec. No reason why it was done or how it was done. It just said "28 yo female, c-sec." and that was it. My ds and I went to the hospital to bring the medical records and we go lost. They accidentally sent us into the birthing center. I had never been in a birthing center, but it was not at all like I expected. My heart started racing and I felt as if I was going to have an anxiety attack. We took off out of there fast. Ds asked why my hands were so sweaty. I realized that I was scared to death to give birth. We finally found the dr. office and when we went in I saw a friend of mine that was due with her second in 2 1/2 weeks. I told her that I was really afraid to give birth and that I would go home and started reading Birthing From Within to try to alleviate the fears.

So the midwife called and said she could not see me because it doesn't say what kind of incision I have. I was upset but decided to track down a navy dr. lol Well, never found her. So I started calling doc's in other cities and midwives all over and no one would see me without knowing the type of incision. I started thinking that I would have to have an unassisted homebirth and the thought scared the poo out of me.

Finally I got a call from a midwife 1 1/2 hours away that said she would take me, but that she would not be able to have a dr. back her. This frightened me, but I wanted someone with me. She wanted to see me in a few weeks.

So on Tues. Jan. 10, I was here reading that Meeshi didn't want her girls to know about the baby yet because of her history of miscarriage and then I read that Anne Marie thought that she had a ovarian cyst rupture and Amy was saying that she had a cyst rupture. I turned off the computer and walked into the kitchen. All of a sudden I had a sharp pain on my left side. I decided to go lay down for awhile. While I was lying down I was thinking about what it would be like to meet the midwife and to hear the baby's heartbeat. And then (and this is so hard to even think about let alone admit) I started wondering if everyone would be excited even if it was a boy (everyone expressed desire for a girl) at that moment I felt something slide out of me. I ran to the bathroom and there was blood. I was frantic so I called my dh (who just happened to stay home from his crummy job that day) and he told me he would head home. I called a dear friend of mine and she was in a store. I heard her drop her items and start running outside where she could here me and I could tell she was crying. She told me to call a nurse (that I had recently spoke to about vbac) and to get in the bed. I called the nurse and the midwife and they both told me to stay put. My friend started calling any and everyone trying to get ideas. My dh made many trips that day getting creams, herbs, teas, and homeopathic remedies. I stayed in the bed all day and night and only got up to use the bathroom. I was still spotting, but it wasn't much and sometimes there wouldn't be any. I stayed in the bed all day and night Wednesday. My dh totally catered to me. On Thursday he hooked his laptop up in the bedroom so I could let everyone here know what was going on. That morning I started calling doctors and no one would see me since I hadn't been seen yet. This really pissed me off to say the least. The big baby hospital here does not have an emergency room, but they have an assessment center so we decided to go there. I was sitting in the waiting room reading The Natural Pregnancy Book by Aviva Jill Romm and it said that if you are having a threatened miscarriage you should not have an internal exam.

They called me to the back, but would not let my dh come with me. The nurse told me that I was five weeks along and I assured her that I was in fact ten weeks along and that my dates are very accurate. They drew blood and then came to get me for an ultrasound. Now I kept asking to urinate and then kept telling me they would have to ask the dr. first. They never told me they were drawing blood or doing an ultra sound or anything. I really didn't care at this point, I just wanted to make sure that the baby was ok.

I thought I would get on the table and the ultrasound tech would say that I was carrying twins and that's why I was bleeding. Instead she said "this baby is only measuring five weeks, according to your dates you are ten weeks". Well at least she knew how to count. ;o) So finally I could urinate and then she would do an internal ultrasound. She said that the baby was measuring at five weeks and that it may have died five weeks ago. I was speechless, that is not at all what I was expecting. I did not cry because I did not believe it. She went and got the radiologist and he shoved that probe in me and said "your baby must have died five weeks ago". He was so rough and he said there was something on the left that he wanted to check out. I saw another sac. And I asked him if that was another sac. He said that's what he was trying to figure out. He was really hurting me and I was squeezing my dh's hand (they finally let him come back with me). So they sent me back to my room. The nurse came in and said that it may be a blighted ovum. She said I would need to see a dr. in a couple of days to have the HCG levels rechecked. They were at 16,000 which was low but my dh kept saying that maybe I was a day or two off on the dates.

We came home an called the midwife and she told me not to lose hope. She had just caught a baby boy that only measured five weeks when he was ten weeks and he was big and healthy. This really gave me hope. I told her about the other sac so we both thought that I was losing the blighted twin and that's another reason why the baby was measuring small. That evening I started hurting and bleeding more, but thought it was from the rough exam.

Friday I felt better, but stayed in the bed. That afternoon I started having contractions about ten minutes apart. I thought I would just pass the blighted twin and the other baby would be ok. During the night the contractions started coming so hard that they didn't let up. I got up and tried moving, rocking my pelvis, getting on all fours, everything I could think of. I started to somewhat accept that I was losing the baby. My dh called the midwife but she was asleep. I told my dh that I wanted to be sedated. I did not want to go through this pain and not have a baby to hold at the end. I stared bawling and went back to bed, the contrations never let up. There was never a minute to rest between them. The midwife called and said that there must be something else going on because they should let up for a minute. Oh the radiologist said I did not have ovarian cysts, but I had a small amount of fluid in one fallopian tube and in the back of my uterus. He said that other sac may be a uterine fibroid, but I really didn't believe that. My dh kept telling me to get in the tub, but I couldn't. I want to birth in the tub, but I was afraid that if I ever had the chance to do so I would associate it with losing this baby.

My mom lives six miles away so my dh left to go get her heating pad so I could do a castor oil pack. I was in the bed and felt like I needed to have a bowel movement. I ran to the bathroom and a sac came out. I started screaming for my ds to bring me the phone. I wanted to ask my dh if he thought I should get it out of the toilet. Before ds could give me the phone I started to vomit so I flushed. The vomit looked like it had blood in it. I had no idea that I would go through all the stages of labor. I could hear him telling dh that I was throwing up and he needed to get home. This was surreal, it felt like an out of body experience. It was like I was looking down on me and watching what was happening. I was hallucinating and in so much pain. The phone started to ring so I pushed the button and heard another friend ask how I was doing. I told her that I was dying. I was in so much pain that I really did not think I could live through it and I really thought I was dying. My dh walked in the door. He put me in the bed with the castor oil pack. I was wailing about having to flush the baby. Friends kept calling and I kept telling them how upset I was that I had flushed the baby. I was really talking like a crazy person. One friend begged me to either go to the hospital or call the dr. about the blood in the vomit.

My dh left to take our ds to my dad's to a b-day party. While he was gone the friend that called while I thought I was dying called and said she found someone to watch her children and she was coming over. I told her that I was lying in the bed naked and bleeding and she laughed and said she didn't care. I told her that my dh may be taking me to the hospital, but I would call and let her know. I called him and he said that we were going to the hospital. I called my friend and she said she would meet us there. Poor thing waitied probably about an hour for me. I jumped out of the bed to take a shower and I felt incredible, like I could run for miles, yet my heart was still broken. My dh came in and I told him that my friend was coming over, he asked that she wait to visit so we could grieve together. I called her and we spoke for a long time. She told me that she was so glad that I was so happy about being pregnant and so glad that we had told everyone early on. She said that when she is pregnant her mother won't even acknowledge it until she is in her seventh month. I had been thinking that if we are ever blessed with a next time I would wait, but her words touched my heart and I now know that I will not wait. I want our friends and family to rejoice with us when we find out and be there for support if somthing were to go wrong. I could not have made it through this without my wonderful husband and a couple of friends. My dear friend that helped me get through this called and said that I should have saved the baby to have analyzed and I cried and told her that it was too late.

I was in the bed snuggling with my dh and I felt like I had to have a bowel movement. I ran to the bathroom and the baby slid out. I started screaming, but my dh was too upset to come in. I ran and got a ziplock bag and a glove. I picked up the baby and started talking to it and telling it how much we love it and how sorry I am that this happened. It was developed and had arms, it looked like a perfect ten week baby to me (according to pics online). My dh did not want to see it so I wrapped it in a wash cloth and gently placed it in the refrigerator. I was so glad that I had not flushed it, but I felt hollow inside. I called the midwife and she said to go ahead and bury it.

My ds called to see if he could spend the night with my dad. He has never spent the night there before and never wanted to. Once I started to bleed he started to distance himself from the baby. He used to talk to it first thing in the morning, at least once during the day, and at bedtime. He always had kisses for the baby. As soon as I started bleeding he did not want to talk to it or kiss it, he wanted me to do it for him.

So my dh leaves to go bring some clothes for ds. I'm still in the bed crying and he calls and said he was just in a head on hit and run. Luckily he was not injured and there was only a small amount of damage. He said the guy had to have been drunk or asleep. He turned around and followed him to a gas station. He got his license plate number and called the police. The police said it would be his word against the other guys word, but they would send a unit out. Well, no one ever showed up so he called again and they said they were just too busy to send anyone out. So, I guess that's the end of that.

The next day (Sun. ) my dh had to go back to work (he hadn't been since Monday) so I went to go stay with my mom. While I was there her boyfriend called and ended their relationship.

This past Sat. we got a certified letter stating that my dh is being sued for an accident that he was in, in March. It said we need to get an attorney (that we cannot afford) and that the insurance company will only pay a certain amount and we will be responsible for the rest. My dh was driving a beat up 96 Tauras and hit a 2002 full sized truck. If there was any damage, the guys bumper *may* have been dented. Yet, he has lost enjoyment of life and a ton of other things. Then transmission went out on his car in Sept. and we could not afford to get it fixed so we had it hauled to a junk yard (we thought they would buy it). They didn't want it so I called every other one for hours away and no one wanted it. We owed a storage fee so we ended up just giving them the car in exchange for the storage fee. When I had my ds my mom gave me a 1993 Caravan that needs several thousand dollars worth of work. My dh is driving this to work so ds and I don't get out much. So, you are probably wondering why I'm telling all this, but I just got on a roll. I think this man is suing the wrong person. All we have is a ds, debt, and medical bills. lol

This past Sunday evening my step-grandpa died. He died in his sleep.

This has been a strange year already for us. I hope all the bad things are over (or almost over with the lawsuit) and that we can welcome some new good things in our lives now.

My ds and I attend a Unitarian church and a few day ago the minister called. During our conversation he asked if anyone had made insensitive comments to me. I said "well, yes they have". And three friends that I have been friends with most of my life have been the most insensitive. When we were leaving the hospital that Thursday I called my friends to let them know what was going on. One was screaming that she couldn't tolerate her children and was calling one of them a cry baby and a brat. Another friend said "you know that girl I work with? her baby died in November and can you believe she is still walking around with a dead baby in her" oh and this one takes the cake. A friend who is also married to a family member (who I wouldn't be surprised if she reads here to see if I'm talking about her and I never have until now). She is 28 and had a hysterectomy earlier this year, I have always been very considerate of the words I use with her. Her 29th b-day is today. When I called to tell her that I may be losing the baby she said "awww, I hope you are finished soon so you can go out and drink with me for my birthday". Wow, I just didn't know what to say.
So, I have learned who I can lean on in time of crisis.

We told ds that the baby was not healthy and won't be joining our family, but that we would try again soon. He got this idea on his own, he thinks that I need a seed in my belly to grow a baby. He does not know that there was a baby to bury. We don't own this house (my inlaws do and they live next door, we don't have a good relationship with them so dh never told them about the baby). I was having issues with burying the baby here and having to leave it if we are ever able to move. I was also afraid that if anyone (like my dh's sociopath nephew that lives with my inlaws) found out about the baby, it would be dug up. So anyway, last Wed. my dh and I buried the baby and we are going to plant a fig tree over it. When we move we will plant a fig tree there. So, everywhere we may live we will plant a fig tree. Ds knows that we will be planting the tree, but he does not know there is a grave under it. When we came back inside the three of us stood together and bound our wrists with red string and said that we are a family bound by love. We cut them and made bracelets, we were suppose to wear them until one of us was ready to remove it. In less than an hour ds had pulled his off. Dh came home that evening from work and his was missing. lol So much for the family bond. lol We are going to make a birth altar and put the braclets on them. I washed dishes and took a shower and mine was fine.

My friend that was due when I went to bring the medical records had a beautiful baby girl on the day that I started bleeding. My cousin is due the same week I was so that is going to be difficult. My mom thinks I'm being selfish because I said it would be hard to see her holding her baby when I should be holding mine at the same time.

Last Friday night my ds just did not want to go to sleep, then he started crying that he doesn't want me and his dad to die. Then Monday night he started begging me to try to have another baby in my belly.

I'm going to my dr. in a few weeks to get my thyroid checked and then to a specialist to have a miscarriage work-up. I just want some things ruled out before we try again. We are all (even dh) going gfcf. We have been needing to do this for years and this was the push we needed.

Even though this has been a horrible time in our lives, so many positive things have come out of it. I am no longer afraid to give birth. This realization came the day after I lost the baby. I woke and went to urinate and my yoni was burning. I knew then that, that's what it would be like after a live birth and it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. I'm now anxious to have a peaceful birth at home in the water with a midwife. My dh and I are closer than ever and have even decided to renew our vows. I have a whole new understanding and compassion for women who have been through this.

I feel like I have been reborn, like I just woke up from a haze. I used to get upset over petty things and they don't bother me anymore. I was spending too much time on the computer, on the phone, and spending too much money. I wasn't spending enough time enjoying and loving my family. We haven't been eating healthy or exercising and all that is changing. So we are taking all of these bad things and finding trying to find the positive in them.

We just hope and pray that sometime this year I will have that seed in my belly again and that at the end of it all we will be holding a happy healthy baby.

Sorry this was so long, but it was therapeutic to finally get it all out.
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#107 of 443 Old 02-22-2006, 07:43 AM
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is not very well broken up or written, but I can only do so much throught tears.

This past Saturday morning I started feeling crampy. It wasnt the first time I had felt this way during this pregnancy. I couldnt remember how the stretching felt when i was pregnant with jimmy, so I figured that is what it was. This continued throughout the day. Jen (absolutely) came over in the afternoon and we hung out. I told her about the cramping and she agreed agreed that it was probably nothing to worry about. Then I went to the bathroom, this was around 5pm. I had a light pinkish discharge. Thats when I started to get worried. Jen was eing supportive and telling me it was probably nothing to worry about, I should however contact some sort of health proffesional. So I hit up an old homie from a mentoring program from high school. He was a med student at the time (still is 2 years to go), anyways I proceeded with the questions. My words to him where "if i go to the er almost 11 weeks pregnant m/c-ing there is really nothing they can do correct?" He proceeded with his dr talk of drugs and what not. I explained to him what was going on. He was very set on me going to the ER. This was something I wanted to avoid. At the time I really hoped that it was nothing. Just pregnancy spotting. A little later after him trying to convince me to go I told him I needed to call my mom. I told my mom what was going and she told me I needed to call my ob or Katie(midwife friend). I couldnt find katies number so I called my ob's office. The doctor that I despise was on call. She told me that "unless it got worse that it was probably nothing to worry about. " At that time it wasnt even enough to warrent a pad. I hung up with the damn ob and told my mom. SHe said that she still thinks that I should go to the ER. I hung up with her and told her I would keep her in the know. I went to the bathroom again around 7 bc I had feld two gushes, but it was still just light pink discharge. Before this bathroom trip I went around 6 to wipe a little brown bllod which I thought was good bc brown is old blood. Then it subsided completely. Until the 7pm trip. It was time to put a pad on so i could gauge the how much was coming and when/if I needed to make an ER trip. Not five minutes later was their enough to see. But it was still the pink discharge, but I knew I needed to go. So did she, she was half way out the door with jimmys carseat. I called my dad and dropped 2 bombs at once-= im almost 11 weeks pregnant AND bleeding hence needing to go the ER, please come get jimmy till jim gets here. He was totally calm with an okay, no problem. We get to the ER at about 8. My dad meets us and says nothing about me not telling him. He was very supportive and re-assuring me everything was okay. He took Jimmy and Jen stayed with me. Jim later met my dad to get jimmy and stayed with him at home(it would have been more stressful to jim and myself if jim and jimmy both were at the ER, or just Jim even- hospitals are not a good place for him.) Finally see the BEST freakin nurse ever around 9pm. He was so great. Cracking jokes about Duran Duran's girls on film video after I told him nurses and dr dont know shit about breastfeeding. He was just great. Totally making me laugh and m aking me feel really comfortable. He even lied on my shit so i could see the dr sooner, if that worked Id hate to know how much longer I would have waited if he didnt. I have to pee in a cup so the hosp can confirm pregnancy. ha that was a joke. Peeing in a cup is just not my thing. Anyways, a few hours later he comes out to tell me that I was preg. DUH Gets my last period info and writes it on his hand. Totally love this man. Some time later I get my blood drawn, I see him before I go in and tell him Im starting to pass clots. He nodds. After blood stuff I get to go back in the waiting room. After lots of complaining by Jen to the staff, I finally get in to see a dr at like 2:45am. SHes so livid for me, i love her so much by that point. I get hooked up with another fanfreakintastick nurse. I have to go get an u/s before any other stuff. Get wheeled to the u/s room. THe guy was very to the point. I dont get to see anything. He pointed to a chair on the other side of the room for Jen. After I lied down- Jen promptly moved over next to me. Love her. She asks all the questions I cant . THeir is just no will in me by this point. "NO I dont get to see anything, and no he doesnt tell me anything." Shes vissibly pissed. heh. After the unfortable external u/s he tells me i need an internal. Id never had one before, but had never heard anythnig good about them. Jen asks him about it, b lah blah blah is all i hear. I just want to get over this and move on to the next step. It was so painful. He was like digging for gold. I tell him that what he was doing at that point in time was really uncomfortable. This MAN says he knows. I mummbled you KNOW? Well thats very goof then. It was finally over. He told me the dr would tell me everything I needed to know. When I got up he put a blanket around me. Thats when I KNEW he saw nothing good. I wanted to loose it right then. But I didnt. I get wheeled back to the room. I layed back down on my side talking to Jen waiting for the damn pelvic. It was then that I had 2 huge gushes of blood. Right then the nurse came in and I told her what had just happend and ask her for some cloths. She got some and soaked them with warm water and asked me if I wanted her to do it, I ashamedly nooded my head yes. She had no problem with it. Then placed some dry ones in between my legs- it was then that I lost it. Although while she was cleaning me, she was trying to reassure me telling me that the u/s had just stirred things up. But I knew it was over. The nurse left to get the dr, jen came andhugged me even though I told her I would super loose it if she hugged me, and I did. But I needed that hug so badly at that moment and she knew it. The dr came in and did the pap the nurse was at his side. It was so umcomfortable. WHo knew so many insturments fit in their? ha. Cervix was closed. Diagnosis- threatend abortion. Got a 'script for vicoden and left with some false hope. The u/s showed baby only 6 weeks and 6 days with no heartbeat. When I was at the hosp the dr tried to make me feel better by telling me that at such a small size heart beats are hard to find. But I had come to the conclusion that the baby must had died weeks ago.
I cry myself to sleep. I layed in bed and did nothing, as that was what I was told to do. The bleeding continued, jen left around 4 pm Jim was home and roxanne came over. After rox left Jim went to get food. Thats when it all happend. I had to poop so i went to do so. while my had was in the toilet I felt a short squirt of water like I had just pissed my hand. But I didnt feel like I just pee'd, I sat their puzzled for a moment, as I have really good bladder control. ha Then I realised that was probably my "water breaking." So I took a feel. Not even like shoving my fingers inside myself for their was no need everything was right their. Seriously when I sit on the toilet my cervix is right at the opening. I felt something soft that wasnt apart of me. I knew something was going to pass. I tried sqauting in the bath tub. That didnt help at all. So i put back on my underwear and pants and squated on the side of my bed for about 15 minutes. Then decided it was time for another go. So I sat and rocked back and I knew when I where to go foward it would come so I put my hand out to catch this surprise. And that I did, I had to sit their for another 15 minuted bc it was stuck and I was not about to pull anything out of my body. Been there done that, almost died. No thanks. I do another foward front and it comes. By this time Jim was back , I told him to bring me something to put it in so i can look at it. He does. I look, but I really dont know what Im looking at. THey said the baby would be so small, that I wouldnt be able to see it. And that I didnt. Its in my fridge right now, but has lost a lot of its original form. During this time I was very calm- focusing what was at hand. No hysterics or anything- go me. The toilet was super red- I knew due to my bleeding out with jimmy I really had to watch my blood loss. Fortunatly I have been really good.
I felt some peace. I knew that their was no "maybe" and this baby was with the Lord. But it did not take long for me to loose it emotionally. And I have been going since on and off ever since. I've decided Im going to plant it in a pot with and grow chrysanthemums.

I feel really sad that I ddint get to see any "baby like" anything. I would have loved to. Although I have cried a lot, so much my tears run dry, yet- I dont feel like Ive done enough. The pain runs through me, the hurt is so deep. The knowledge of an empty womb is unbearable. I scrub so hard in the shower and wash with such hot water it scalds hoping to get some sort of release. Hoping to wash it all away. I feel like Im having a really hard time healing. I feel so incomplete. I really need someone to walk me through this. I know who that someone needs to be, but I'm having a hard time with Him right now. So for now I really need some support and/or some advice
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#108 of 443 Old 02-26-2006, 08:30 PM
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At 8wks I had a dating ultrasound at my midwife's office and we saw the heartbeat but her machine wasn't strong enough to date it so she referred me for another u/s. I went in at 9wks and there was no heartbeat and the baby measured right about 9wks so it had just recently died. I knew as soon as I saw the u/s and the still picture of the baby and the u/s technician stopped chatting with me and started measuring everything. I was just in shock! We had been trying for over a year and a half. I had been diagnosed hypothyroid but I was being treated and closely monitored so everything was expected to go well. The radiologist and u/s tech were both so kind as they broke the news to me.

I went over to see my midwife and she said I could have a d&c or m/c naturally....she warned me that it could take up to a month. I was sure I wanted to m/c naturally. On my way home I bought pads and ibuprofen as I was sure it would happen at any moment. Of course I ended up waiting 3 1/2 weeks. (In some ways I wish I hadn't known so far in advance.) The waiting was really hard for me. Every cramp or twinge made me think it was coming. And of course a small part of me wanted to believe that maybe somehow everyone was wrong and I'd still get to keep that baby.

The night it finally happened I had gone to bed early but kept waking up feeling so restless. At midnight I felt strong cramps/discomfort so I woke up dh and said I think this is it. It was strong enough that I knew it had to be it. The pain increased and was really uncomfortable for about an hour. I felt worried and panicky not sure I could handle it. But then I felt a pop and gush and the intense pain left. I still cramped and contracted off and on but not that constant extra strong pain. I also threw up at this point but after a half hour I was able to eat and drink without getting sick again.

My dd woke up at about this time (1am) and wouldn't go back to sleep so dh turned on the tv and we all watched the Olympics and he cooked up quesadillas. I went between laying on the couch with a heating pad to sitting on the toilet. My body would cramp up and feel miserable for a few minutes then I would get up and go to the bathroom and something would slip out...mostly medium sized (approx half dollar size). As I layed on the couch dd would pat me. It really helped to have her and dh up with me.

Dh and dd went to bed around 5am and soon after that I passed a larger piece about the size of a large plum or tangerine. I could feel something big coming out so I put my hand out and caught it. It came out so gently and warm into my hand. It was strange how peacefully it came. I'm sure the baby was in there but I couldn't really tell what I was looking at and I was tired and nervous too. I saved it in a zip-loc and then put that in a pretty white draw string bag and put it in the fridge. I later put it in the ground where our flower garden will be.

I passed more small pieces through out the day and the next morning but then I only spotted after that. It is now a week later and I still spot especially when I am busy moving around. I am feeling better now that I have m/c-ed but of course it is still so sad. I really wanted this little one. I really feel like I did the best I could while I was pg and I'm grateful I got to catch her and hold her and bury her under the flower garden. While I was pg and we discussed baby names my dd said they were nice names but she made up the name Humee and said that was the best name. So I guess that is her name but I also looked up a name for her after I m/ced and I think of her as Hania which means resting place.

If anyone is reading this while waiting to m/c please feel free to pm me for support or with questions!
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#109 of 443 Old 02-26-2006, 08:56 PM
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Well, here's my story. It's long. It covers my m/c and also the death of my newborn son. I feel like I have to explain it all. My dh and I have been together for 16 yrs. We have waited to start a family until recently. I felt like I still had some growing up to do myself. Anyway, we got pg in Jan of 05 and were elated. My pg was like clockwork; no problems of any kind. I had my first u/s at 20 weeks and found out we were having a boy, who we named Quinn. During the u/s we saw fingers, toes, a profile of his face, everything looked good. The u/s tech took measurements of everything and said everything looked fine. I sailed through the rest of my pg until 38 weeks. I had to have another u/s because my doc suspected my fluid levels were low. The u/s was longer than usual, and the tech kept taking measurements of his heart, which I thought was weird. When I finally saw my doc two hours later she told me that his heart didn't look "normal" and wanted to send me into the city for further testing. So I'm freaking out and have to drive into town by myself. I meet my dh and we go to the hospital and wait around for hours before I finally have another u/s. After another hour or so, a OB/GYN shows up (from home, in her jeans) to "have a long talk with us". Our hearts sank then and there. She tells us that she thinks our baby has something called trisomy 18, which is usually not compatible with life. She tells us that his heart is severly malformed, his kidney is malformed, he most certainly has extensive brain damage, and it doesn't look like he has eyes.
Dh started crying immediately, while I just sat there, in complete shock. We eventually went home. I didn't cry for like 2 1/2 hours-I couldn't even fathom what she had told us. How they hadn't caught it earlier is still a mystery to us(!).
The next week is a blur. Went back in for an amnio, and genetic counseling. Found out he actually had trisomy 13 (rarer, and even more severe than 18). Talked to a social worker. Scheduled induction. Went back to hospital 5 days later to be induced. Whorlwind labor, Quinn born in less that six hours. Spent 35 hours loving Quinn with family, before his little heart gave out. Cried more than I ever have in my life.
Foolishly, dh and I got pg again only nine weeks after. I knew it was stupid but I wanted a baby so much. The minute I found out I was pg, I got paranoid. I was worried about everything. I was about five weeks when I told dh that maybe it was too soon, emotionally as well as physically. It was impossible to relax. Went to first doc appt at seven weeks and had an u/s. She couldn't find a hb, but told us that maybe we weren't as far along as we thought, but I knew my dates. The next week we went in and found out our baby had died, probably around six weeks. We kind of felt like we were so used to bad news, it was like "Oh, of course this happened. How could anything actually work out for us?" So while waiting for my m/c to start, I sank into a pretty deep depression.
I wanted to m/c naturally, but after waiting two weeks I ran out of patience and got inducing meds. It happened pretty quickly, and with lots of ibuprofen, I felt no pain. I lost tissue and clots over about a six day period. Emotionally it was a lot harder than physically, but I went through labor w/ Quinn w/out meds, so my pain threshold is pretty high. This whole experience has left me feeling pretty f*ckin' tough, like I can handle just about anything, but also extremely vulnerable. I am scared to death of losing someone else that I love. I know that I couldn't handle another loss right now. I feel like I have had all that I can take, and am hoping that our very bad luck has passed us. Still, we won't ttc again for several months.
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#110 of 443 Old 03-03-2006, 12:45 AM
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I was 13 weeks when I started lightly spotting. My midwife said it was probably fine. When clots started coming out 3 days later I went to the ER to see my baby lying motionless at the bottom of my uterus. There was no heartbeat. This was probably the saddest moment for me and my husband.

I was sent home at 5:30 pm and at 4:30 am I woke up with labor pains. I took some tylonol and went into the spa around 5:45. At 6:15 I felt my water break and I ran through the house, got my husband and went in the shower. Blood was gushing out and then the baby came out. Totally visible on the shower floor. I stood there crying and staring at the little body while the blood kept flowing. I thought the amount of blood was okay(the ER dr said it would be a lot) but later I would find out it was too much. It was gushing out for a few hours... I was on the toliet every 10 minutes.

To make the story short, I had an appointment at 9 am that morning with my OB. I blacked out, vomitted, and went into shock from blood loss in her office walking to a room. I was sent by ambulance to the hospital. My blood pressure was 80/40 and there was blood gushing down my legs and all over the carpet. I had to spend the night on an IV and now I am on Iron and antibiotics. The drs could not believe that I avoided a blood tranfusion. I am to rest, not drive, or carry my toddler for 2 weeks.

People kept commenting on the physical trauma of the miscarriage, but that part never made me feel scared or sad. It was all emotional pain. I am feeling better day by day but just a moment ago I saw a picture of my son Jack's ultrasound on the desk...I was very hard to see the Baby Rose would never make 20 weeks in my womb. I am glad that we had a funeral for her yesterday in our backyard in the rose garden. My husband and I were able to look at her one last time and then release her to the Lord.

I hope this can help someone...Jennifer 3/2/2006

Love your neighbor. Say yes to vax.
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#111 of 443 Old 03-11-2006, 10:13 PM
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I will add mine.

1st one, between 4 and 6 weeks. I had just gotten a positive test, when about 8 hours later I began cramping, they were quite intense and I bled heavily. I never felt dizzy, and only passed a few clots. This lasted about 2 hours, then my cramps became lighter and the bleeding slowed considerably over the next hour to two hours.

My second miscarriage happened about 3 years after the birth of my son. I found out on August 2nd that our baby had passed away (9 weeks 3 days). I chose to wait for it to happen naturally. On August 3rd at 6 pm I began to cramp. On August 4th, (9 weeks 5 days) at 11:30 am, I began to spot. I spotted all day, and my cramps got increasinly worse. At 5 pm, my cramps were quite intense, possibly more physcially painful than my sons birth. I began passing clots at this time, and decided to drink a wine cooler. My cramps got a liittle better, but I was bleeding liike a heavy period, still passing clots. At 11 pm I couldnt go to sleep because I was afraid I would leak on to the bed. At some point I soaked 3 overnight pads in 90 minutes, and a towel (w/ the last pad) and nearly passed out. I called the midwife on call, and went to the ER. I thankfully did not have a D and C, but the OB on call did swab out my vagina, as there were a lot of clots that had ot passed.I went home with major cramps at 3 am, and slept til 8. An ultrasound the next day revieled an empty uterus, and I bled lightly for the next 13 days.

~Autumn~   Mama to whistling.gif (2001) and hearts.gif(2005) partners.gif madly in love since '99 
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#112 of 443 Old 04-26-2006, 07:03 PM
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Reading these stories would have helped so much when I went through my m/c.

It happened in Dec. 2005. I was 6 weeks along and it was my first pregnancy. I had some light brown spotting when I woke up in the morning and started feeling so sick. I thought I must have caught a bug. Still not sure to this day why I felt so weak. The spotting continued throughout the day and I had already been cramping since I found out I was pregnant, but the cramping kept getting worse. I went to sleep that night in tears b/c I had a feeling that it was going to happen. All night I kept waking up and going to the bathroom to check for more blood. At about 6am the bleeding started to turn red and get more heavy. I was so freaked out that I called my Mama and she came over and we decided to go to the ER. I had bad cramps by that point and started feelign faint. They put me in a bed and blood started gushing out in clots. The NP came in and did an exam and that is when I new 100% that I had m/c, she showed me the sack, but I can barely remember what it looked like. All I remember is small, about a grape size and clear. They gave me something for pain and shortly after went home. Nothing ever had hurt so bad in my life!! I cried ALOT for a few days.

I kept reading about waiting until so long after to try again, but I decided it was in God's hand and he would decide when I would get pregnant again. Well a month later I found out I was preg. again, I never even had a period. Now I have my beautiful almost 8 month old dd who I thank God for everyday!!

Also wanted to add I cramped the entire time my second preg. w/ my dd. Everyday I thought something was wrong! I even spotted at 4 and 8 weeks and still went to term. Our bodies are amazing things.

Tiffany , mama to my 2 spirited girls, natalee (8/05) and scarlett (5/09)
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#113 of 443 Old 04-30-2006, 02:53 PM
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Not able to post the whole story yet. Had an ultrasound this past Thursday. We're at 16 weeks. No heartbeat, and the baby is only measuring at 14 weeks or so. I haven't felt any different, though had noticed that my belly wasn't feeling quite so "hard" anymore this week. Haven't had any spotting. Even feel occasional fluttering, though DH thinks (reasonably) that it's just intestinal gurgling.

Nothing's happening. Baby's with me yet not with me. Do not have the energy to wait for anything to happen naturally ... and two women in DH's family have had tragedies with unborn miscarried babies, so he's not willing to let me wait either. So we've got a D&C tentatively scheduled for this Wednesday.

Will edit the post if there's something more to tell. Wishing I could give details of our previous miscarriages just to make the post worthwhile, but honestly, being in the middle of one, it's hard to feel them and bring them up.

Hugs to all of you.
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#114 of 443 Old 05-02-2006, 07:45 PM
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In August of 2003 Matthew and I had made the decision for me to quit taking my birth control. We wanted to have a baby. I so longed to be a mother. I prayed every night for God to bless us with a child. Each month that my period came, I was so disappointed. I knew though that when it was Gods will, we would get pregnant. About 4 months of trying and then that most wonderful day came along. I had previously bought a handful of pregnancy tests from the dollar tree, and had taken a few negative ones already, but for some reason on Jan 9th I really felt compelled to take another one. The second I did, I left the room until the allotted time had passed. When I am came back in I looked down and expected to see another negative one and it was positive. It said I was pregnant! I saw 2 lines. I called Matthew and that night we got a more expensive one and it was positive too! We still didn’t believe it though. We thought it was too good to be true. We made an appointment at the doctors and they confirmed it for us. When we got outside Matthew screamed. We were overjoyed. Words can’t explain how happy we were. God had answered our prayers. The days and months that followed were the happiest ones of my life. All the planning and dreaming about the baby. My baby and I instantly bonded. I was in love with him. I can’t even describe my feelings of happiness knowing my baby was growing inside of me.
Then a horrible day came. February 6th. It was a Friday night. I get to work and we were slammed. The other hostess didn’t show so I was by myself and we were so busy. I was so stressed out. Towards the end of the night I started bleeding BAD. After work we went straight to the emergency room. They did an ultrasound and we saw our baby for the first time. We saw his heart beating and he was moving. He was very much alive. The doctor told me the bleeding was implantation bleed (I still question that) and he said I am at risk for a miscarriage. I was determined that wouldn’t happen to me though. He told me 3 days bed rest. I ended up taking one month off work. I then made my first doctors appointment. Through that whole next month I went to the doctors one to two times a week, and every time we saw the baby on the ultrasound. He was so precious and I was so in love with him. I couldn’t wait to have him and hold him in my arms. Dr. Ludwiczak constantly assured me the baby would be ok. She said she was 99% sure the baby would be fine. That put me at ease. Despite all the horrible bleeding, I told Matthew that I would go through anything to be able to have my baby.
The last doctor’s appointment I had was on March 3rd at 11:30am. She did the ultrasound and we saw that Ryley had grown so much. His heart was beating good and strong and he was moving around. She told me the blood clot in my uterus was still there and had to come out. But she said the baby was fine and would be ok. So I came home from my appointment with the assurance that all would be well. I began having cramps that got increasingly worse over the next few hours. I started passing blood clots (apple sized) for about ½ hour. Then the clots stopped for a while. A while later my cramps got out of control. On a scale from 1-10, my cramps were at a 15. They were horrible. They lasted for about 1 ½ hours. Matthew called the doctors and the nurse called back and talked to me. She said to use a heating pad, prescribed me Darviset and said the doctor said to reassure me the baby was going to be ok. I did everything I could to take the pain away. Nothing worked. So around 5:00 pm I sent Matthew to pick up my prescription. Big Mistake.
He left and then my world fell apart. I was going to the bathroom and more blood clots came out. I looked down in the toilet and expected to see another blood clot and I saw my baby. My teeny tiny perfect little baby. I had to push him out and catch him in a large Dixie cup. I had to tear the umbilical cord and push the placenta out and put that in a cup too. I just screamed and cried. My world, all my hopes and dreams, my joy and excitement all were shattered at that moment. I just screamed “I would have been a good mom, I would have.” For the next 20 minutes I looked at our baby and cried. I moved all his fingers and toes and just cried and cried. My heart was ripped out of me. The second that Matthew walked through the door I yelled down to him that we lost the baby. He said “ nuh uh, promise.” He didn’t believe me, I don’t think, until he looked in the cup and saw for himself. Then he just held me and cried. He cried so hard. My heart broke even more. I had never seen him cry before.
Matthew then made a few phone calls. One call was to pastor. He told him to let everyone at prayer meeting know. We then washed Ryley up and put him in a fresh cup with water. Before that though, we each gave him a kiss. Then we took some more pictures and video of him. After that we took him downstairs and Matthew played Jesus Loves Me for him. I just cried and cried. That was a very special time. After that we went to the emergency room at the hospital. We were there forever. The nurses kept asking me why we were there and what makes me think I'm having a miscarriage. I was so irritated with everyone there. All I could do was cry and they kept asking me all sorts of questions. Then the Chaplin lady came in and talked to us. She prayed with us. Then she made a foot impression for us of Ryley's feet. After hours there we were finally able to leave. I had to say goodbye to my son until his burial. We went from the hospital to Shari’s restraint. I was starving, so we went for some food. I remember I got the fish and chips. I couldn’t eat much; everything was still too fresh in my mind. I was still in so much shock. I still couldn’t believe I was pregnant that morning and not that night. This experience has been the most horribly devastating of my life. Thursday we called and set up everything to have Ryley buried. The pathologist released him to the Columbia funeral home. We went down there and picked out an urn to bury him in. Then we went to Astoria from Friday until Sunday. Monday we picked out a burial plot and Monday I went back to work. Work was very hard. Tuesday at 10am we went to the funeral home to look at Ryley one last time. He was turning black; it was so hard to see. Then at 11am we buried our son.
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#115 of 443 Old 05-11-2006, 09:58 PM
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First I want to thank all the mamas here for sharing your stories. I can't tell you how much you have all helped me through this. From the bottom of my heart, I am so grateful.

I'm sorry I can't just talk about the physical aspects. I have to tell it completely, just this once, for release and closure....

I learned that our baby had died when I went in for a routine check-up with the OB. She didn't hear a heartbeat (I was only 9 weeks along so wasn't worried at all) so she wanted me to do an ultrasound just to make sure. The next day I went in for the u/s and they didn't find a heartbeat so went internally/vaginally with the ultrasound (ugh) and still nothing. Dd and I could see the baby so the lack of heartbeat didn't hit me. I was blissfully pregnant and didn't fathom the thought of something being wrong. The radiologist's blank response didn't phase me either when we commented on seeing the baby. That night the OB called me and said one of two things had happened. Either the baby stopped developing around 7 weeks or we conceived much later than expected (positive thinking I know, but yeah right with my short cycles).

That was when it hit me and the grieving started. I couldn't believe it. We had already bought diapers, clothes, and picked names. More so, I was already emotionally attached. A miscarriage wasn't in my vocabulary.

Then I worried how it was going to happen. If my body wasn't naturally aborting the baby, I faced making the difficult decision of how and where. I broke down at one time and begged my body to release it. It was too painful knowing the baby was inside and wasn't alive. I wanted it over with but after reading similar stories here I decided to wait for a while first.

The bleeding started Sunday afternoon and continued with cramping for 3 days. Off and on the cramping was so strong that I had to take hot baths and breathe through it. I worried how it would happen. Would there be blood everywhere, how painful would it ultimately be, etc. I refused to leave the house until it happened. I was very tired so I slept a lot.

Wednesday night (5 days after finding out) I stood up and felt something large, heavy and wet come out of me. I ran to the bathroom and there was everything. The placenta, amniotic sac and a tiny baby floating peacefully inside. The amniotic sac was a clear bubble and the baby was so easy to see floating inside. I sat there and studied it all for about an hour. The baby had a beautiful little head, tiny arm buds, and a long flat tail of a body--it looked like a tiny merbaby. I went into a strange funk. It was a freaky feeling of elation. I don't know if it was hormones or if I was just relieved that it happened that way (probably both). Dd came in to see (she wanted to see, dh didn't). Then I had her get a small cloth diaper. I wrapped everything together (it just felt right to keep everything intact), tied a red ribbon around it, and today dd and I buried it with a gardenia seedling in the backyard.

I was surprised that heavy cramping continued for a few days afterwards. It is day 6 after my miscarriage and the bleeding has almost stopped. It's been like a heavy period since the m/c.
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#116 of 443 Old 05-11-2006, 10:03 PM
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Originally Posted by mother_sunshine
First I want to thank all the mamas here for sharing your stories. I can't tell you how much you have all helped me through this. From the bottom of my heart, I am so grateful.

I'm sorry I can't just talk about the physical aspects. I have to tell it completely, just this once, for release and closure....

I learned that our baby had died when I went in for a routine check-up with the OB. She didn't hear a heartbeat (I was only 9 weeks along so wasn't worried at all) so she wanted me to do an ultrasound just to make sure. The next day I went in for the u/s and they didn't find a heartbeat so went internally/vaginally with the ultrasound (ugh) and still nothing. Dd and I could see the baby so the lack of heartbeat didn't hit me. I was blissfully pregnant and didn't fathom the thought of something being wrong. The radiologist's blank response didn't phase me either when we commented on seeing the baby. That night the OB called me and said one of two things had happened. Either the baby stopped developing around 7 weeks or we conceived much later than expected (positive thinking I know, but yeah right with my short cycles).

That was when it hit me and the grieving started. I couldn't believe it. We had already bought diapers, clothes, and picked names. More so, I was already emotionally attached. A miscarriage wasn't in my vocabulary.

Then I worried how it was going to happen. If my body wasn't naturally aborting the baby, I faced making the difficult decision of how and where. I broke down at one time and begged my body to release it. It was too painful knowing the baby was inside and wasn't alive. I wanted it over with but after reading similar stories here I decided to wait for a while first.

The bleeding started Sunday afternoon and continued with cramping for 3 days. Off and on the cramping was so strong that I had to take hot baths and breathe through it. I worried how it would happen. Would there be blood everywhere, how painful would it ultimately be, etc. I refused to leave the house until it happened. I was very tired so I slept a lot.

Wednesday night (5 days after finding out) I stood up and felt something large, heavy and wet come out of me. I ran to the bathroom and there was everything. The placenta, amniotic sac and a tiny baby floating peacefully inside. The amniotic sac was a clear bubble and the baby was so easy to see floating inside. I sat there and studied it all for about an hour. The baby had a beautiful little head, tiny arm buds, and a long flat tail of a body--it looked like a tiny merbaby. I went into a strange funk. It was a freaky feeling of elation. I don't know if it was hormones or if I was just relieved that it happened that way (probably both). Dd came in to see (she wanted to see, dh didn't). Then I had her get a small cloth diaper. I wrapped everything together (it just felt right to keep everything intact), tied a red ribbon around it, and today dd and I buried it with a new rose gardenia tree in the backyard.
mama, I am so sorry. My baby died at 7 weeks(stopped developing) too. I didn't find out until 12 weeks, and miscarried 3 weeks later, my story is here somewhere.
I just wanted to say I understand.

Single mama to Alex(13), Maddy(12), Sam(8), Violet(6), and Ruby(3). fly-by-nursing1.gif
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#117 of 443 Old 05-12-2006, 02:27 AM
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Thanks Debi.
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#118 of 443 Old 05-16-2006, 08:56 PM
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Here are the details of my most recent miscarriage while it's still fresh in my memory. This was my third and the most painful.
At 12w1d I started spotting. I spotted for the next two days, started cramping in the early morning hours of the third day. Had bad cramps for a few hours, btu I could still kind of sleep. Then my water broke about 5:30 a.m.--the gush woke me up. I put on a pad, wernt back to bed, awoke at 7:30 to a soaked pad and underwear. I got up, sat on the toilet and passed the gestational sac. thinking the worst wsa over, I changed pads and underwear and went back to bed. For the next 4 hours my cramping got progressivley worse, so that for the final two adn a half hours I was cramping/contracting severely every two minutes. It was almost unbearable. Finally, I passed a huge mass, not sure if it was the placenta or not, but immediatley after that I felt better. The bleeding was a bit heavy for a few hours, but the cramping was bearable. I did end up going to the OB later in teh afternoon for an u/s, which showed most everyitng gone. I was still crampy and bleeding the rest of the day. I expect the bleeding to continue for a week or so if it's anything like my last two m/cs.
Hope this helps. It was really, really, really painful, and I'm glad it's over.
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#119 of 443 Old 05-22-2006, 04:32 AM
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I wish I'd known I was having a miscarriage with my first one, but didn't find out until after-the-fact as I was carrying twins and lost one around 6 weeks. I just remember having terrible cramps (and I had horrible ones back then anyways...these were the worst I'd ever had)...I'd also had diahorrea and thought I was just getting sick as I was a bit naseous as well (kept swigging Pepto to ease my tummy as we were on the way to a family reunion: 5 hour drive to get through...), but pretty sure it was all m/c related thinking back. I was using tampons still back then, but remember having a few small clots which is unusual for me, but as I thought it was a really bad period, I didn't think anything about it.
Pretty sure I was pregnant last week, even though I hadn't gotten to take a test, but have been bleeding since saturday...I use a mooncup now and have been looking through for anything unusual to confirm it for me...there have been lots of chunky bits and small clots, but I'm still bleeding yet and haven't emptied my cup out yet this morning, so will have another look through.
Such a horrible thing to talk about, but it's nice to know you're not alone in going through such things...haven't read all the stories, but will when I can get through them better...so many losses! Thanks for taking a stand and talking about a subject that most others won't discuss in such clarity.
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#120 of 443 Old 05-24-2006, 06:15 PM
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We'd been TTC for a year when we went to a RE back at the end of April. She told us to come for testing when I started my next cycle, but my cycle never started: I was pregnant! We realized we conceived during a wonderful weekend away especially for babymaking.

Everything seemed to be going fine. My early bloodwork came back normal. Some symptoms, but mostly just happiness.

Yesterday would have been the end of my eighth week. I'd been having some cramps all along, but the day before yesterday they were a little more intense than usual. When I woke up yesterday and went to use the toilet, there was some brown and pink on the TP. I was shocked. I told DH and we called my GP (we hadn't found a provider yet-still interviewing). She told me to go straight to the ER. Fortunately, DH was scheduled to work from home that day, so he was able to take me.

We went to the ER, they triaged us and then took us to a private room, and a nurse had me undress and get into a gown and stay in bed. A doctor came in and said that they'd be drawing blood soon and would try to get me in for an ultrasound. Another very nice nurse came and drew blood and put an IV heplock in my arm. Everyone was encouraging but also serious about the possible outcome. After a few hours they wheeled me on the gurney into the Fetal Diagnostics unit upstairs to have an ultrasound. They couldn't see anything with the abdominal u/s so they let me pee before doing the trans-vaginal ultrasound. At that point the bleeding had stopped so we were hopeful. The female doctor took lots of pictures, but we didn't really know what we were seeing. Finally she isolated something on the screen and said, "This is the baby, but it's only measuring six weeks and two days, and although there is a fetal pole, there is no heartbeat. I'm very sorry." She helped me up and left DH and I alone for a few minutes to cry. She came back to let us know that the were ready to take us back to the ER but we need few more minutes to cry.
Then they wheeled us back down to the ER and back to our room.

So it was a "missed abortion", and we spent the rest of the day crying in the ER waiting to talk to a resident about it. Both the nurse and doctor we saw came by to say how sorry they were. Finally the OB/GYN resident was able to come and talk to us. She was very nice and explained our options, wait it out, use cytotec to help things along, or D & C. I asked her to do a pelvic exam so that we could find out if my cervix was still closed. It was. She said we didn't have to make the decision that day. We decided to just come home and think about it. We were both too exhausted to make a decision: neither of us had eaten anything all day, and although Mark was offered water and juice all day they wouldn't let me eat or drink anything until I was discharged, so we were both exhausted. On top of that, poor poor DH had a terrible toothache that began the night before: we went straight to the dentist after the ER, and he was able to get in and see someone: he may need a root canal.

Later that night we told our families, and had a long conversation with my sister, who is a 4th year OB/GYN resident in another state, In the end, my sister said our best options were to wait it out or have a d & e, a surgical evacuation. She thought at our stage they could just the the evacuation and not an actual curottage. She said there were some risks but she really really truly felt they were very small. She didn't recommend Cytotec, but to be honest, I don't remember why--I think in case it caused things to happen so quickly that we would have to have the D & E anyway, or risk excessive bleeding and/or an emergency trip to the ER. She said that it was totally up to us and whatever was right for our family. She said that if it happend to her, she would lean towards a D & E just so that she would not have to wait and wonder when it would happen. Of course she's a resident and has crazy working hours, so it makes sense that that would be the right choice for her. She said that if we waited, and nothing happened, we should get checked after 2 weeks just to make sure there was no infection. She said lots of other wonderful, comforting encouraging things, and I'm so glad that there are mamas out there who get to have their babies delivered by her and their losses acknowledged by her. She's a great OB and it's good to know there ARE some good ones out there, isn't it?

We talked about it and I was leaning toward a D & E, but we decided to sleep on it. Then very early this morning I started to bleed again, and had some painful cramping (my sis said I could take a double dose of ibuprofen to help with the pain). I put a maxi pad in my underwear. I paced around a lot and listened to a book on tape sitting on the couch. DH was sleeping, totally exhausted from the day and the pain medication for his tooth. He took a lot, and I kept checking on him to make sure he was okay. I had some urges to poop, and kept a pad in place over my vagina while doing so, just in case any tissue came out while I was trying to poop. I saw some red blood but not many clots. I went back to the couch in the living room.

After some painful cramps there, I felt one cramp that felt different, and I bit of a gush. I went to the bathroom and squatted for a bit, then looked at the pad. There was a lot more blood, and it seemed to be more liquid than the other stuff I'd passed. I put on a new pad. I squeezed and tried to get my uterus to contract, and then I felt another gush. I checked the new pad and just saw blood, but then I saw that there was something hanging out of my vagina, so I think I took the pad to kind of pull it out, and what I knew was the baby fell on to the pad. It looked the way the doctor and my sister said it would, like tissue, not like blood. It was translucent, like Vaseline, and shaped like a 6-week fetus, but it did not have the clear outlines and features of one. It had been dead for two weeks, so I wasn't surprised. But I'm pretty sure what was the head and what was the tail. There was a tiny red cord coming from its middle, attached to a blood clot, which was probably where it attached the placenta. I put in a new pad, squeezed again, and felt a big gush, and the placenta came out. It was red and solid and about 4-5 inches long and 1 inch wide, and it came out in an s-shape on the pad. I looked in it just to see if there was anything in there, and that's when I really knew it was the placenta: it had thin layers and thick parts and was probably originally round but had curled in on itself like a deflated balloon. It was shiny and kind of like liver, but more translucent, like jelly, and a brighter blood red. I put yet another pad in, squeezed, but it was just blood after that. I went and woke DH and he came to look at our little baby. We put it in a big disposable Tupperware container, on the pad, and put it in our bedroom. DH was still in a lot of pain and a little groggy from the meds, but he was wonderful. I put him back to bed and stayed up a while longer to read and make sure I was bleeding normally. I couldn't get to sleep.

This thread was really helpful as I was going through all this. I used some of the suggestions and knew what to expect. I was glad to have a chance to say goodbye without too much pain, intervention, or another day in the ER. Now both DH and I can just rest and wait for the bleeding to stop.

The miscarriage also made me feel grateful for my body. Initially I felt kind of betrayed by my body, not for the baby dying, but for my body holding onto it for 14 days after it died, without me knowing. When the resident checked me yesterday, my cervix was still tightly closed, so we weren't sure that I would pass anything anytime soon. But after talking with the doctor who did the ultrasound and my sister, it looks like the corpus luteum had just started to disintegrate yesterday (they saw fluid on the ultrasound near my left ovary) and that's why my body just now realized that the baby was dead: my corpus luteum had been doing it's job and pumping out hormones to support the pregnancy, and had finally reached the stage when, if the baby was healthy, the cyst could have gone away on it's own, which it did. Then, without the feedback of the HCG from the baby, my body realized something was wrong and began to spot. And then, half a day later, my cervix did dilate and without excessive bleeding was able to pass everything. So I feel a lot of love now for my body, working hard and doing everything it could to help. Know what I mean? My ovary did what it needed to do, my placenta did what it needed to do, and so did my cervix. Now I just need to wait and let my heart and mind catch up with all of this.

We are going to rest for a few days and then drive to Wisconsin and find a place to bury our little turtle. We live in an apartment, so we thought it would be good to just find a remote place in nature and bury our little baby where no one would find it.This gives us a lot of peace.

We feel right at the center of God's mercy right now, and we are glad that our little one is with Jesus. In the ER, we prayed and thanked our baby for coming to be with us, even for just a little while, and told it how much we loved him/her, and how much happiness he/she had given us. We told the baby that were so happy for him/her to be in heaven and that we would come and meet each other someday. We told the baby to find the little ones that a family we know very well lost last year in between two healthy pregnancies.

Thanks for this thread. It has been tremendously helpful.

UPDATE: Just wanted to add that about 36 hours after I passed the baby, I had some very painful cramping for about 4 hours. I think it was like labor pain. It was bad enough that I was moaning and swearing and crying, even with the 800 mg of ibuprofen. It was very hard to get into a comfortable position, and the intensity of the cramping scared me. I was bleeding heavily, but not heavily enough to warrant a trip to the ER, just more heavily than before. I thought I must be passing big clots, but I wasn't. I called my sister the OB again to find out why I was having the pain, and she said that the pain was coming from my uterus as it cramped and contracted in order to push everything out. She said it was normal, even though it sucked, and that I could stay home as long as I didn't have excessive bleeding, or a fever of 101 or higher, or nausea, or sharp pains that didn't feel like cramps, or tightness/tenderness in my belly. She also said I could switch to naproxen sodium if I wanted to, since that works better for my menstrual cramps than ibuprofen. As I spoke with her the cramps became less severe. Eventually I could just pace around the apartment, which felt great; I couldn't do that before. I just wanted to add this so that anyone who experiences bad cramping AFTER passing the baby will know that it is one way of having a miscarriage and not necessarily anything to get worried about.

UPDATE 2: 36 hours after I had the painful cramping I woke up and found that I had passed another piece of the placenta. I don't know if that's what caused the cramping--I don't remember having much pain in the 24 hours before I passed it. I'm still bleeding now but without much pain. I'm hoping that my body will be able pass everything.

thalia loves Jesus and DH wordyeight and DD#1 : 8/2007 and DD#2 9/2010
and remembering: little turtle 5/23/2006 and poppyseed 7/15/2009
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