wow i feel all of your pain. each and every mother out there. december of 2000 i was so excited that i took a pregnancy test and it came out positive. my huband and i tried for 4 years to get pregnant so you got to know this was a big big deal to me. well january came and i went to the doc. and i was 6 weeks into my pregnancy and there was no heart beat. too early to detect. i kind of new in my heart something was wrong. so we went back in feb. and the doc. confirmed that i was having a m/c. i was devestated. so the whole month of march my husband and i tried everyday and by god we got pregnant again in april 2001 and we did get a heart beat on this one. 9 months later we had a beautiful baby boy.
i still to this day wonder what went wrong with my m/c and what that baby would have been like if it would have carried in me full term.
it is a devestating horrible traumatic thing to got through but i could honestly say that i would much rather go through a m/c than still born. i dont think i could ever handle that and my ehart goes out to any family who has to go throught that.
I had a mc on March 28th of this year, I was 19 weeks, a week before it happend I noticed slight bleeding, so I went to the ER, because it was late at night, they sent me home, saying just to take it easy, went to my doctor the next day, same thing, ended up in the ER again!! well that went on for the next couple days, ended up getting admitted to the hospital on a fri night, let me out the next day, and they told me I was past the worst that could happen, well I wasn't, went to my doc on Monday morning, he seemed worried had me come back the next day for a full ultrasound, well bad news he sent me to the hospital, there was no longer a heart beat and no amniotic fluid, they had to induce my labor, I have never been through something so devastating in my life
: Im going to try again soon, and just hope and pray it wont happen again.
Let me begin by saying how grateful I am to all the woman who have shared their stories. I have been comforted to know that I am not alone in my experience, despite not knowing any of you personally. In ways I now feel more connected to each of you than I do to my friends of years who have not endured such a loss.
I just had to share my story. I found out that I was pregnant for the first time on April 23, 2006. Although I had constantly dreamed of pregnancy and publicly pined for motherhood around my friends, the pregnancy was an unintentional surprise. My boyfriend of nearly two years and I are not married, and our relationship had been in decline. He was unsure of what he wanted to do, and I was angry with myself for getting pregnant in less than ideal circumstances. However, as the first few weeks went by we both agreed to accept the blessing that we'd been chosen to receive. It was magical the way our apprehension grew into happiness and excitement! I saw the "father" come out in him, and I was beyond pleasantly surprised. We read pregnancy books together, and even started thinking about names. Even though I knew I was supposed to wait until the end of the 1st trimester to tell people, I just couldn't contain my news! I was looking forward to all the changes motherhood would bring.
Unfortunately, I began spotting last weekend. I knew something was not right. Believe it or not, my mother was also my midwife (and elated to be expecting her first grandchild.) I demanded that she do something to ease my concerns. She took my blood to check for hormone levels and sent it to the lab. Unsatisfied, I began taking miscarriage prevention herbal remedies and put myself to rest. I didn't go to work on Mon or Tues and continued with my regimen. My blood test came back low but in the normal range on Tuesday. I decided to get an ultrasound just in case. After driving two hours to a nearby midwife, she confirmed that there was no heartbeat. The baby had stopped developing sometime between 5 and 7 weeks. My boyfriend kept asking if there was some mistake, if the baby was just small. But I knew.
The past 48 hours have been the most physically and emotionally painful in my life. I endured three "labors" trying to miscarry naturally. Last night I resigned myself to a D&C because I simply could not endure the pain any longer. Then, WHILE READING THIS FORUM, I went to the bathroom and effortlessly passed the placenta. I believe you all helped me to relax in some way. I was relieved to complete the physical part of the process so I can begin to heal my heart. I will plant my little placenta in the earth, along with a flower to grow in place of my pregnancy.
Now, my life returns to uncertainty. I want nothing more than to be a mother. But I am not married, and I'm unsure of whether my boyfriend would want to actually try for a pregnancy. It is a very sad time. Thank you for listening and understanding.
I had a mc at around 8 or 9 weeks. It wasn't really a surprise as I had not expected that pregnancy to be sucessful. With my previous two pregnancies I had known at the moment of conception (even though I didn't know what it was I felt the first time). There was a rush of energy that I have never felt at any other time. That didn't happen this time, and I just felt that I would miscarry.
On the day my miscarriage started dp and I were going out house hunting with out 7 month old ds. I was feeling a bit crampy while we were out walking, but I tried to ignore it. Later in the day I felt a little gush of liquid (waters breaking?) but again ignored while we were out. After that the cramps got stronger and I knew that I was starting to miscarry. I didn't say anything as I didn't want to upset dp while we were out. When we got home, dp was feeding ds on our bed and I went to the toilet. I notaiced that I had started to bleed a little. At that stage it was just brown spotting. I told dp that I was losing the baby and we cried together for a few minutes. We put ds to bed together and then that evening drank some wine. That stopped all the cramping. The next morning I woke up and was having contractions. About 3 hours after the contractions started (I was bleeding lightly then, but it was bright red blood) I went to the toilet and passed the placenta. I saw the placenta (which was about 2-3 cm in diameter and had a thin umbilical cord attached) and later passed some membranes, but I never saw a baby. I don't know if I just missed it amongst the clots, or if it was too small to see when it stopped developing. I stopped having contractions after the membranes passed out of me, but I had clots and fairly heavy bleeding the rest of the day. I had lighter bleeding, more like a period for the next week. Until on the 7th day I passed a clot while in the toilet and after that the bleeding stopped completely.
After the first day, when I was exhausted and felt awful, physically the mc wasn't too hard. I recovered quickly and got pregnant again that cycle, with my dd (and I felt that reasuring rush with her!).
I just lost my precious baby a few days ago. And I thought it would help with the healing if I told his story.
My eighth child decided to come a little early. I went to my routine prenatal visit in my 16th week. During this visit, the Dr could not find the heartbeat. She asked what I wanted to do, go to the hospital for a check up or just wait until next time (in two weeks) to try again. I told her that if there was no heartbeat, then there was nothing to be done about it, and if there was one then it would be there next visit. So I waited. However, somewhere in the deepest part of my heart, I had felt that I was not going to carry this baby through. I had had this feeling from the earliest days of my pregnancy, yet I said nothing to anyone. I just thought it was an over active imagination. However, when the doctor could not find the heartbeat, deep inside, I knew. I told my husband, what happened at the visit, and we both felt that going to the hospital would be a waist of time. However, he never thought for a second that our baby really did not have a heartbeat. I had felt for weeks that my stomach was not growing right. Something just seemed “off”.
A week later I used the bathroom, and wiped, and I saw the tiniest hint of brown. I wiped again, and nothing, so although I was contemplating what that meant, or if I even really saw something, I said nothing. Two days later, I wiped again only to have the same hint of brown, then nothing. The next day, a larger hint of brown, even after wiping twice. The next day, I had a hint of brown almost every time I went to the bathroom. I knew something was not right, but I also knew that there was nothing that could be done other than letting nature take its course. I prayed and prayed every night that my Father would protect my baby and make her healthy and strong. I woke up the next day about noon and had red blood on my underwear. Now I am really worried, not just wondering. I toss back and forth as to whether to say anything to my husband (I have not mentioned anything yet) or not. I kept thinking, should I go to the hospital or just wait it out (it was a Sunday, so I could not just call my doctor). I kept wondering how to say something to my husband about this. I kept asking my Father to let me know if I should go to the hospital or just let it happen. The only concern I had was whether or not my baby was still alive. If there was no heartbeat then I would have refused service and had an unassisted birth at home anyway. I did not want a d&c even though the baby might have been dead.
I went to the bathroom and sat on the toilet. I was feeling ucky inside, the same feeling that I get when I have my period. Not painful, just ucky. As I was sitting there and I wiped, I had a large amount of red blood on the paper. I put a pad onto my underwear and went back to lay down in my bed in a fetal position. My husband went upstairs at this time; he still did not know anything was wrong. I was praying that this was just one of those “things” that happen in pregnancy sometimes. In reality, there had been very little blood, so there was a possibility that it would stop. A very short time later, minutes really, I felt like I was having a flow. I got up and went back to the bathroom. As I sat on the toilet, more blood came out. I sat there a short while and then again went back to the bed. I did this every 10 -15 minutes for about an hour. On my last trip to the toilet, I sat there and I felt clots come out. That is when I knew it was for real. I stayed on the toilet for a while. I could “feel” contractions in my uterus, but there was no pain. I felt a contraction, then I felt the baby begin to descend. I reached my hand down to grab her, because I did not want her to fall into the toilet. That is when I felt the bag of water bulge. It came almost all the way out and just hung there, mostly out but not quite. I sat there for a time waiting for another contraction to bring it out the rest of the way, but they just stopped. I decided that I was not going to deliver my baby into a toilet, so I got off the toilet and squatted in the tiny bathroom floor. I grabbed a spit rag (an infant recivening blanket) that was laying beside the door and put it under me to catch any blood. I tried pushing, but it did not budge. I tried pulling, but could not really grab it. I kept wondering if my baby was still alive inside the sac or not. After a short while the sac fell out right into my hand. It was small, about the size of a large orange and perfectly intact. The water was brown and dark, but I could see my baby inside, not moving. I sat back on the toilet and continued to pass some clots and blood for a short time. I then tried to break the bag to get to my baby. The bag was very strong and hard to break, but after several tries, I succeeded out came my baby. As I held the baby in my hands I examined it and realized that my baby was a boy, not a girl as I had supposed. He was tiny. Five inches long. Tiny hands, tiny feet. Perfectly formed fingers and toes. He had eyelids with tiny slits in them. I held my son for a while as I sat there and cried, all alone. Then I got up and went to take a shower. I figured my husband would come in while I showered and see the blood, then I would not have to explain what had happened, I still did not know what to say or how to say it. After I showered, I returned to my bathroom. It was all still there, like a nightmare that would not end. My husband was outside working on the car and had no idea of what I had been going through. I got a clean fresh spit rag and wrapped my son in it. I then had to clean up all the blood on the bathroom floor before any of my other children came down.
After I cleaned up, I sat down and held my son. He was so tiny. We had been tossing around two names for the baby, so after looking up both names again, I decided to name my son Zephaniah, because it means “the Lord is my secret”. He was our secret, we had not told anyone yet and only the Lord knew why it happened this way.
A very short time later, as I was sitting in front of my computer, holding my son, my husband walks in telling me all about the car’s problems. I just sit there, staring at the computer with tears running down my face. He kisses me on the cheek and asks me if my stomach was bothering me. I could not speak at all, so I just opened the bundle that I was holding and showed him our son. It was a big shock to him, and he was understandably upset. We talked for a short while, but we had to go to the store for pads, as I was not prepared for any bleeding at this time. I had no time to just sit and mourn.
Physically, I was feeling ok. I was tired, and a bit tender, but nothing more. I had reduced my bleeding to a medium period type bleeding. I was wondering about the placenta, but I had passes many clots, and there was no cord on the outside of the sac, so I figured that I had already passed it, or that it did not form properly, thus creating the problem. By the end of the evening, I had even less bleeding. I used a total of four pads the entire day. I figured the event was physically over. As the next day came I felt fine, like a light period, and I was tired and achy, but ok. We went out to eat, however every bump in the road made me ache more. Later that evening as I sat in the bed watching TV, I again began to have contractions. They were not painful, just noticeable. I was drinking some hot RRL tea and I was hungry. As I sat there I began to notice that they were getting very frequent and a little more intense. As I began to eat a bowl of soup, I realized that I could not do anything during a contraction, and that they were only about one to two minutes apart. I figured that I was having after pains, but thought I would just go take a hot shower to relax, that always helps during contractions. As I was showering, I felt something moving down from my cervix into my vagina. That is when I realized that I had not passed the placenta yet, and it was time. I pushed as hard as I could when I had a contraction, and after a couple of them it came right out. It was larger than I thought it would be. It was not flat and roundish (as a full term one is), it was odd shaped, about the size of a plum. After examining it carefully, I saw the cord that was still attached to it. Apparently the cord was so short that it broke when the baby was born (but must have been why the sac did not just fall out right away). I finished my shower and went back to my bed. The contractions had stopped. After about two trips to the bathroom with the same “flow feeling” that I had had before the baby came I felt another thing pass. This was another piece of the placenta (the last piece). It was the flat part about three to four inches in size. After this the bleeding again returned to a light period type bleeding. My body is now finished with the pregnancy, and is recovering fine. Physically, it is like just having a period, but mentally, I know that I no longer have a baby.
After closer examination of my son (he had a tiny wee wee and sac, so we could easily tell it was a boy), I have come to the conclusion that he had a chromosomal abnormality. He died about 15.5 to 16 weeks (he was born at about 18 weeks). He was five inches long, with perfect, fully formed fingers and toes. His legs and arms were so small and thin. . However, his left foot seemed just slightly smaller than his right, and seemed slightly bent. Also, his ears had ear buds, but no lobes (which should have formed already), his nose was not formed, but had two nostrils. His whole head had the “alien” look which is usually more babyish by 18 weeks. Also, his neck was too large for his body and his upper torso was so much larger than his lower body. It was like he was developing at different stages in different parts of his body. His hands and feet were like a 16 week baby, his length was about 18 weeks, his head and face was about 8-10 weeks, and his neck was like in the very early stages when it was almost the same size as the head.
In retrospect, I know that my prayers to my Father were answered. My son was protected and made healthy and safe and strong, it just happened in the arms of Jesus instead of mine. His empty shell was buried in our back yard. My Zephaniah was born on June 25, 2006 at 18 weeks into the arms of Jesus.
kidsaplenty..no time to write what i want to now, but your story is amazing. except for the fact that i was earlier for my loss, our stories are very similar.
i lost 3 babies. more later
2 days prior to my m/c, my morning sickness went away...i just thought i was getting lucky and would have light to non-existant m/s.
July 1st 2006, i woke up around 9am and had to pee. Went to the bathroom and had some spotting...nothing major and i had read that early in your 1st pregnancy, spotting is normal...heck some women even have regular period-type bleeding.
Soooo...i told myself not to worry about it, i wasn't having any cramping, it didn't smell bad, wasn't brownish and was very very light...skip to 2 hours later....i have to pee yet again.
I go in the bathroom and the bleeding is heavier and smells kind of sour. Now i'm freaking out b/c i know what is happening. I go out to the living room and tell db/f that i need to go to town now and buy some underwear
(not a big panty wearer anyways, i only wear them when i'm menstrating and since i was pregnant, stopped wearing them completely) and some pads. I'm crying and trying to explain to him why and also trying to convince him and myself that i'm not m/c-ing. He was upset but trying to re-assure me everything would be okay....so he drives me to town and we go to dollar general b/c i have $10 to my name that day.
We get back and i still am not having any cramping at all....i go to the bathroom to put on the panties and pad and the bleeding is much much heavier...not running down my leg or anything, but heavy. so i clean up with a wash rag and he goes and gets his mom to see what to do. We go to the ER b/c she thinks maybe it could be stopped and to see if it's definitely a m/c.
Skip to ER. Immediately they take the clots and tissue out of my pad(not a lot at all), that i passed on the way there...only having very light to non-existant cramping...it's so light i have to concentrate to see if it's there and then i wonder if it's my mind playing tricks on me. They ask me how far along i am and i tell them 7 weeks, 3 days. They take an HcG blood test...takes maybe 1 hour for the results, the level is 63.12...wayyy too low for 7 weeks. Dr is still optimistic b/c he said some women just have low HcG levels to begin with. Puts me on strict bedrest, no getting up for anything but the bathroom. Schedules my u/s for that monday (this was saturday)...and another HcG test to be done.
Skip to Monday...still hadn't had hardly any cramping...nothing major (which still puzzles my ob/gyn, she said at 7 weeks my cramping should have been more painful than what it was....), hardly any bleeding...not even as heavy as my periods usually are. They do the u/s and of course it's not the happy, let's look at your baby type...so the tech's wouldn't tell me anything...not even that they could or could not find a heartbeat or anything...luckily i'm not stupid and saw for myself that my uterus was empty....no baby, no heartbeat...at 7 weeks the baby would have been 2/3 of an inch long, so i'm sure i would have been able to see something...and the heart develops at like 6 weeks, i think, so i should have heard that...i heard nothing...saw nothing. Felt totally dead inside and empty. After u/s they do HcG test, level is 20. Lower than Saturday but ER dr said by monday level should have been 5 or less....but b/c it went down, they sent me home, took me off of bedrest and said i was all better. ugh. This ER, btw, was in Illinois and i live in Indiana...was on vacation for the 4th.
Skip ahead to wednesday the 5th and i make an appointment with my family dr b/c i need a note to go back to work. He sends me to ob/gyn dr b/c he doesn't do female exams anymore. Ugh. She's (ob/gyn dr.) very mad b/c she said the ER should have been concerned that my last HcG test wasn't 5 or lower...and i could have an ectopic pregnancy that they missed on u/s. So she does my exam and pap and says she doesn't think i need a d&c, unless my HcG levels are still above 5, b/c that would mean i was having an ectopic pregnancy. So she sends me to our local ER for HcG test which comes back as 2. Now she's relieved. Looks over the u/s report that the other ER faxed to her earlier and says everything looks good, she can't find a reason for the m/c but also sees no reason to not try again. The only thing that puzzled her was the pathology report that they faxed on the tissue and clots i had passed...they found uterine tissue and placental tissue, but no fetal tissue...so she tells me that she thinks my body absorbed the baby earlier like at 5 weeks and it just took my body a while to realize it.
Tells me the following: "Sometimes these things just happen, it's our bodies way of trying to bring only babies that will live happy lives into the world. Once you and your b/f are ready, you can try again right away."
but now neither he nor i are ready to risk going through that again...it's an internal struggle for us both, we both want to have a baby together really badly...however neither of us wants to go through that again...so we've decided to wait on ttc again, at least for now.
Thank you, Karen for starting this thread. And thank you to everyone for sharing your stories. I'm still processing my m/c that happened this week and reading everyone's experiences has been helpful. I spent all day yesterday writing my story (about 11 pages, handwritten) and today I made a scrapbook with that story, the note I wrote to my mw who helped me through this, and all the birth art I made about a month ago.
I was about 22 weeks pregnant, but I don't know exactly how far along because I never got my cycles back since my daughter was born 11/06/2003. We had been hoping to get pregnant since last summer, but not trying. We just figured it would happen when the time was right. In March, my nipples started really hurting when my daughter nursed. My first trimester felt like first trimester and I was really quite happy when the refridgerator smelled too horrible for me to open it.
We moved to a new state in the beginning of May. So life was really busy. I stopped feeling pg symptoms around this time, but just figured I was just entering second trimester. I was glad to have a little more energy for unpacking and moving into our new home. Some time in June I started to wonder where the wonderful water dreams and birth dreams were. I was worried that it was so much harder to connect with this baby. And I wasn't feeing as big as I had with my daughter, either.
July 3 I had a horrible nightmare - very scary and medical. I woke up terribly shaken and told my husband. He was supportive but neither of us could figure out what it meant. July 5 I started spotting - dark brown, just a little bit each day, not enough for a pad. The morning of July 8 a rash appeared on the tops of my feet by the 10th it had spead to my legs.
July 9, 700 miles away, my grandmother died.
Since the rash was becoming intolerable, the spotting was continuing, and my grandmother's funeral was scheduled to the same day as my next mw appointment, I paged my midwife. This was July 11. I told her my present symptoms, basically what's in 2 paragraphs above this. She said she wanted to see me first thing the next morning and she would pray for me. That got me really scared.
When I got up to pee at 2:30 am on July 12, I left the light off as usual, but something told me to look at the tp after I wiped. It was dark, so I turned on the light, looked in the potty and saw it was full of blood. I went back to sleep because I knew I would need the rest.
At 8:30 my husband, daughter, stepson and I went to the mw office. She felt my belly, which felt like at was about 18 weeks to her, when I should have been at 22. Then she tried listening with the fetoscope - no heartbeat, and then the doppler for a long time - still nothing. We sat down and talked. She told me she I was miscarrying. I had two choices. I could go home and try to pass the miscarriage or I find a health care provider somewhere who could do an u/s so I could find out what was going on. Since I didn't know when the baby (at that point I still thought that there had been a baby) had stopped growing, and I wanted to know more before making a choice.
I called down the list that my midwife gave me and got hold of a cnm at a hospital who told me to go through the women's hospital traige. My husband took the kids out to lunch and to play downtown. I started to feel really alone so I paged my midwife. She came and stayed with me while they did all the ultrasounds (which was a really long time). Then my husband came back to hear about it and our options from the doctors, while my mw watched the kids in a waiting room.
It turned out that I had an amniotic sac that measured about 11 weeks with a placenta and my uterus that measured at about 16 weeks. There was no fetus.
My husband and I debated whether to stay in the hospital for a D&C or to go home to try to pass it. Because the sizes we mismatched and had stopped growing so long ago, and there was no fetus, I was afraid to pass it at home. It also felt so bizarre and wrong that I did not want to see it or hold it. The u/s images still haunt me.
I went in for the D&C that night. I was scared going into the OR, but the hospital staff were all very kind and supportive. My anaesthesiologist was wonderful and talked with me through the procedure. I was awake with a spinal and felt absolutely nothing from the waist down. When I came out I felt better than I had in weeks. I felt human again. I was glad that I had made that choice.
It's taken me this long to let myself grieve. When I attended my grandmother's funeral, it was healing. It was like the words were for my baby, too. We named him Mason and registered a star in his name in Scorpius for when his due date was.
I never felt really "right" about this pregnancy from the beginning. To start with, my last AF was on April 19th. My son had just weaned, so this was also my first cycle back from his birth/breastfeeding. May came and went, and no AF. I tested around the time I thought I'd be getting AF, and it was neg. I went to the doc. When I was over a week late, and No AF, No BFP, and even the blood test was neg. AF still did not arrive and I was feeling a little tired. I had an extra HPT in the bathroom, so I tested for fun. I about fell off the toilet when it was a BFP!! Since I had no idea how far along I was, we had a gestational ultrasound done (normally we skip the ultrasound or limit it to one near the end).
It showed that we were already 8 weeks! Baby was healthy, but I just felt "off". I didn't feel pregnant and the normal signs of m/s, breast tenderness and growth were all absent. I thought maybe I'd be lucky and not get any signs, but I guess something else was going on.
Around July 10th, I started to have a darker than normal discharge. Not really strange for me when I'm pregnant, so I didn't think much of it. It didn't smell weird either. On July 15th, I woke up to a pink discharge/spotting. I called my midwife, who said it could be nothing and that if I'm really worried I can go to the ER. She also pointed out that since I'd had sex the night before, it could be from that.
The day went on and the spotting got worse, so I went to the ER. They gave me a pelvic exam and said my cervix was closed and it was probably nothing to worry about. I asked for another ultrasound to see if the baby was ok, but there was "no one on staff qualified to operate an ultrasound". Since it was before the normal time that you can hear with the doppler and I have a tilted uterus, there wasn't a chance of "hearing" the heartbeat.
I went home and pretty much knew what was coming. I woke up on the 16th to heavier bleeding and some slight cramps. By days end I was in full m/c with large clots and major cramping. About 3 am on the 17th, it appeared that I had passed on the clots as the bleeding had tapered off. I finally got some sleep and rested most of the day. About 6pm on the 17th, I went to the bathroom, feeling the need to push, I went with it. It wasnt painful, but was very unexpected. I "delivered" the placenta intact. I placed it in a clean container and brought it to my appt. I had made with my midwife. She looked at it and said that it was possible that Malachi was inside, but she'd only know if she opened it up. I wasn't prepared or feeling a need for her to do that, so I declined and we are going to bury it assuming that Malachi has passed on in some manner that we will never truly know.
I wasn't prepared for any of this as most of the literature is very vague. The clots were very similar to immediately after birth, but I wasn't prepared at all for the experience of delivering the placenta. It was about the size of a baseball and was amazing yet very heart wrenching at the same time.
Closure for me has consisted of giving the baby a name and also being able to deal with this in a peaceful manner at home. My body operates the way it does for a reason and for me, there was absolutely no need for medical intervention. For this I am thankful.
This thread was an incredible resource for me when I was miscarrying two weeks ago. The level of detail that everyone has been willing to share helped so much in knowing what to expect. So I'll add my story to the list.
I was nearly 7 weeks pregnant with our second child, after one month ttc. I had meticulously planned the conception cycle for a first trimester in summer (so dh could easily entertain ds outside while I lay around feeling nauseated and tired), and was thrilled when we got pg right away.
For the first few weeks I felt like I was glowing with the pregnancy... I fell asleep with happy baby thoughts and woke up each morning, remembered that I was pg, and was bursting with happiness. But I started feeling cramps and a backache almost immediately... before I even tested positive. However, since I was nursing ds still, I thought maybe the uterine contractions from nursing were causing the crampy feelings. As the pregnancy progressed, the "glowing" feeling receded, and the nausea I expected was notably absent... I felt a little too "normal." While I knew that every pregnancy has different symptoms, I felt something was awry. I would POAS every once in a while, and was happy to see that the line was darker each time, though. Two days before I m/c, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling incredibly nauseated, and I vomited. I was never so happy to feel sick... but I never felt nauseated again.
On ds second birthday, I passed a brown, flaky clot, which is weird, because I never had seen a flaky clot before. I had to check to make sure it wasn't a bm (tmi?). When I saw the pink on the tp, my heart plummeted. I started searching the web and saw that passing a clot could be normal, but I still felt a sense of dread all evening. The next morning, I woke up at 4:30 AM and just *knew* without a doubt it was over. I knew somehow... I felt different, empty. I went back to sleep though, because I wasn't ready to know the answer yet. At 6:30 AM when dh awoke, I went to the bathroom and saw brown stains in my underpants from overnight. More dread. I used the toilet and after I wiped, I looked into the tp and saw a complete amniotic sac, about the size of a grape. I was kind of in shock, like I was kicked in the stomach, but strangely really curious to see it. It was clear, filled with clear fluid, and if there was an embryo inside, it must have been very small... like rice-sized... way too small for its age. I put the sac in an empty coffee cup and went to tell dh that the pregnancy was over. Later in the day, the sac became cloudy and opaque. I ended up flushing it. I kind of wish I did something else with it, but I don't know what would have seemed appropriate either.
That day, I had menstrual-like cramps all day, and for a period of about two hours, they were sufficiently intense to make me stop what I was doing and pay attention to them and nothing else. However, I had only light bleeding all day. I worried that I wasn't going to pass everything successfully.
The next three days, we had a mini-vacation to the mountains planned, and I was incredibly happy to be away and distracted. It was during those three days that I passed most of the clots and any placenta there was... I really couldn't identify anything. It was like a very heavy period, with cramps that were intermittently very intense. Bleeding ended a few days later.
Even though it was only seven weeks, and even though there was no identifiable "baby," I felt and still feel very sad. Just sad. We are ttc again already. For my situation, it feels best to try again, right away... to feel like I am actively doing something constructive I guess.
In June 2004, I gave birth to a healthy baby girl, I had no real complications with my preg and didn't even give a 2nd thought when I became preg in Feb. 2006. I went in for my 8 week check up and saw a perfect little baby with a heartbeat, so never in my wildest dreams would I have predected what would happen in another month. I had some slight pain, but nothing that was even enough to concern me then a little light spotting, I was away on a trip so I didn't even call the dr. A few days past and the spotting got heavier, so I called the dr when I got home and I was sent for a sono. I just expected to have some problem with my cervex and thought I would be put on bed rest or something that would make my life hell for a while, but as I looked at the sono, it only took a moment to know that wasn't what was going on. The lady wouldn't say anything to me and that only made it worse. I looked and saw my baby three weeks behind the date and knew she wasn't finding a heart beat. I keept asking what is going on, is my baby dead and she just said I need to have the dr look, I told her not to leave the room without telling me what was going on, she finally said she couldn't pick up a heartbeat, but she needed the dr to look before she would confirm. I broke down in tears and requested my husband be let in the room. We had just decided the night before that we were going to start calling the baby Sammy, so it was hard to loose this little person we had just placed a name on. When I sat in the dr office to go over D & C proc, I just couldn't believe that it was happening. I went home and got drunk off my butt, I needed to be numb, I know it wasn't a good way to cope, but I didn't know what else to do. I was mad at God, the world and most of all my body for letting me down. Every day after the D & C was a trial, the smallest thing could set me off crying or yelling, it took me three weeks to pack up my maternaty clothing. I decided that I wanted to try again as soon as possible because I felt this was the only way I could heal. I got preg again after my first cycle in June and although I wanted to be happy for the news, I couldn't be. I went to the dr to get hormone levels checked and all were great, we went to have a sono at 5 weeks and the sac was irreguliar, they said it could just be too soon, but with the last experiance I just couldn't be hopefull. I came home and did some reading and found nothing good. I had told myself there was no hope but once I got my blood re-checked and everything was still good I decided I had to hold on to hope for me and the baby. The same day I got the call saying my blood work was ok was the day I had bleeding it was a short spurt of it but it had some clotting so the dr told me I would need to watch it for the night, but if I didn't start bleeding like a reg. period, I would need to have another D & C. I didn't bleed anymore, so I told myself, maybe I wasn't going to m/c, but the dr didn't see it that way, they were only going to give me over the weekend. Me not wanting to give up and needing proof for myself, I went to the ER that night and got a sono and blood work (it was still ok) the dr in the ER said that a fetal pole was shown on the sono but it was fuzzy not clear and that wasn't a good sign. I couldn't see this as a clear sign of m/c because in the previous sono no fetal pole was seen. I went all weekend thinking maybe, maybe this was all some fluke, some strange way that nature was trying to get me to appriciate what I had, but a trip to the Dr. on Monday put that all to rest. For whatever reason the dr in the ER had not been truthfull, no fetal pole was seen my dr let me see the report. With all the facts on the table, we knew what we had to do and set up the D & C for the follwoing day. I bleed some more that night, but once again not much, for some reason, my body just doesn't want to m/c. After the second D&C I was not in as much pain as before the proc (I had lot's of cramping with this preg). Even though this was only 6 weeks and it was a B/O I still think of it as a baby, I know some people don't because the sac is empty, but from the moment I become preg I have a baby in me. Becouse of my first loss, as soon as I became preg I came up with a unisex name to call the baby this one was Alex. It has been one week from Alex and three months from Sammy and I tell them goodnight every night. The loss of a child is the greatest loss a mother will ever suffer and to me m/c is a loss no matter what anyone will tell you. I am trying to mentaly prepaire for next time, knowing that this may happen for a third time, but wanting to be hopefull. I have read others who say after a m/c you just don't even believe that you are going to have a baby the next time you become preg and I think that put greater fear in me that loosing another baby. With my first child, I loved being preg, feeling her move and waiting to see what she would look like. After a loss, I fear I will only feel anticipation for problems and won't find any joy till my baby is in my arms. I am willing to try again, because child birth and motherhood are the greatest experiance I have ever known and my baby girl is why I wake up every day and I just hope that what doesn't kill me will make me stronger. I am sorry for everone that is going through this and I just pray that we all make it and that we all have the love and support we need to heal our hearts.
i went to my first appointment with a doctor and asked for a progesterone test. she wouldn't give me one. she said it wouldn't matter anyways. i had a premonition something was wrong a couple weeks after conception. i even told that to the doctor. i wish i would have advocated for myself - i knew that tesing was the right thing to do.
a couple weeks later i wiped and there was the tiniest amount of blood. brown blood. i bolstered my will, went to work and halfway through the day there was blood again. called the doctors office (a different one). went in for the ultrasound. i heard "i am so sorry. it looks like the baby stopped developing at 7 weeks". i asked if she was sure. she was. i freaked out. i was alone. alone with my pants down. naked emotions raw scattered. i shouldn't have been alone. i sat in a room waiting for my doula and my doctor (this was a different doctor). thankfully he let me do what i thought was right for me.
i went home. cried. read this thread. cried. stopped feeling for while. drove around the lake. decided i needed to be at the bottom of the stormy choppy waters. not that i wanted to die. i was there metaphorically, the waters were so choppy gray cold murky. i just wanted to be cold, unfeeling.
friday saturday sunday passes. the whole time i was having a hard time knowing that my baby was dead inside me. sunday night while in bed i felt a peace knowing thinking this was the last time we would all be together again (my two kids, the baby and myself). monday i went to a labor day rally for immigrants, stopped to talk to a different doula friend and i felt the blood. she reminded me this was all totally natural.
i wanted to see the clots and the cells. i put a colander on the toilet. the blood and the clots started coming strong at 6 pm. i passed blood and clots for a couple hours. i nursed my baby, changed her diaper while on the toilet. clots. blood everywhere. the doctors trust was equally important as the reminder that this was totally natural. a friend came over about 9, she said "are you ready to go"? where? to the hospital. i laughed. finally 3 am i was ready to go to bed, in my own bed, with my kids, at home.
the next day i found a clump of yellow amongst all the blood. i saved it. the doctor said he could have it analyzed, but that involved my baby being soaked in chemicals and spliced apart. no thanks.
i never had any physical pain.
i got my period 30 days later.
it's almost been 3 months and today has been really hard. i realized just today that first doctor didn't listen to me when i asked for my progesterone to be tested. the baby died around the time of that appointment. i saw a pregnant woman rubbing her belly today. the longing for the belly leaves me in tears.
my son named my baby. i felt she is a she. i will always love you baby.
July 30, night - Started spotting, pinkish. Went away by morning. Would have been 1st day of eleventh week.
Aug. 1 - more pink spotting that went away.
2nd - more spotting, decided to go the the ER. Dr. took blood, and said my cervix was "still sealed."
3rd - go from spotting to bleeding. Freak out. Go back to the ER, and the doc on call says that he checked the blood test results--my hcg levels are at 4 weeks, not 11. So, yeah... it was over. Stole hospital tissues.
4th - Go for u/s with clinic doc. He says thinks look "good," but he doesn't see a heartbeat. I go for another blood test, to see if levels went up or down. I didn't really have any hope, but called the clinic later, and levels were down to 2500. So, now, it's just waiting to see how it unfolds.
5th, early morning - wake up to horrible cramping. Drill my head into my husbands chest and moan. Take tylenol pm. Pass out after an hour of pain. Later that night, I start passing some clots and bleeding heavily.
6th - Still bleeding, but figure the worst had passed. Am terribly mistaken. At ten thirty or so, I start bleeding a lot. And, passing a lot of chunky bits. And, then the pain kicked in. I figure that what followed was 7 hours of contractions, because the chunks kept getting bigger, and the pains were systematic like contractions are supposed to be. I took double tylenol, spent a lot of time just wailing and moaning on the toilet. The only thing that really helped was "vocalizing." Lots of moaning, groaning, humming, and repeating "It'll be okay" over and over and over again. At about 4 am I'd just had it, and starting hysterically crying that I couldn't do it anymore, and I guess that going into hysterics tripped my stress switch (finally), so I puked in a pretty monumental way. At 4:30, I decided that there's definitely no God, because it doesn't make sense that I was specially selected for something like that. After the "I can't do this anymore" pukefest, things still hurt like hell, but they started to "ramp down." I got to sleep after about 6. That was the single most difficult thing I've ever experienced physically.
Over the last week and a half, I've continued to bleed, and on some days I'll bleed pretty impressively and pass clots that are big enough for me to feel dropping, for a few hours.
I've spent a lot of time medicated. Tylenol PM is my best friend. Though, as I'm posting this at 2am, it sometimes doesn't work.
Edited to add:
I've pretty much stopped bleeding! 9/19
I have been hesitant to post...it is much easier to not put it in words.
I had a positive test May 24/06. I was surprised by this, as our chances were slight to become pregnant. I had 2 tubal ligation reversals which ultimately ended up with only one tube being long enough to reach my ovary. We had ds#3 in Nov 02 (11 mos after the second reversal) We had been very cautious, but not perfect, at NOT trying for all but one month since then. We threw caution to the wind in April and one week was all it took to conceive baby #4.
My body took off like wildfire very early on in this pregnancy. I had to buy new bras before 6 weeks, my belly was getting "paunchy" shortly after. I expected things to happen quickly, as this was #4, but I was not figuring it would be that quick.
June 20 -- I went to emergency due to minor spotting. Hardly any blood, but as I had tubal surgery, there was an increased risk of ectopic pregnancy, so I needed to rule that out. The Dr. said my cervix was closed, mucus plug was intact, no active bleeding and my uterus was large for date. u/s scheduled for next am.
June 21 -- u/s measured small for dates. No more bleeding. After discussion with Midwife, follow up was not scheduled as outcome would not be altered and u/s has not been proven safe or unsafe.
July 3-6 -- old blood on tp when wiping.
July 7 -- I was at the park with the kids. We were had a picnic lunch and then went to the petting zoo. I knew then it was over. I had started to bleed more. I didn't have any cramps, but had lower backache. I went to the hospital at dinner time and by 1 am was on my way home. My cervix was still closed, but the Dr. was certain (as was I) the pregnancy would not continue. I needed another u/s to confirm "fetal demise".
July 8 -- u/s confirmed "fetal demise". The gynecologist offered two options--natural & D&C. I chose to do the D&C. During all of this, I still had very little bleeding and did not want to drag this out anymore than it already was. I was called in at 4pm to go for D&C sometime that night. When I got in and changed, paperwork done etc I went to the bathroom. I felt a "pop" inside me and started to really bleed. I was passing clots the size of a man's fist or bigger everytime I moved in addition to the bleeding.
During my loss, I never had any abdominal cramping, not even when the clots and bleeding were at their worst. I did however have a slight backache for several weeks.
I am glad to have found MDC, it has helped to read others stories--there is comfort and sadness knowing I am not the only one.
To all of you that are experiencing this too--I am truly sorry.
Like the other posters said, these stories were very helpful to read. I am just home recovering from a miscarriage at 12 weeks that happened on Saturday. Before then, we had no abnormal signs--the pregnancy was very similar to my first, which was a healthy full-term pregnancy (few symptoms, but they were there). Saturday morning I had some brown spotting (I also had spotting during my first pregnancy, but this felt different). At around 5:30, I started passing blood and clots, and continued for some hours. Luckily I had a friend come over--my partner was out of town. I had no pain, but was bleeding very heavily, then briefly passed out. I couldn't get up from the floor without feeling woozy, so we called an ambulance--good thing. My pulse was very difficult to find, and the emt had trouble measuring my blood pressure--it was something like 70/? (they couldn't get the bottom number--too low). I ended up in the er with a transfusion (hemoglobin went to 7), and d & c to stop the bleeding the next day. They were trying to respect my wishes to complete the miscarriage naturally, but I had just lost too much blood. It's very sad, and I think I have some work to do in recovering--I'm bummed to be so weak.
I do wish I had some idea of how much blood was *too* much--I really didn't, and was very lucky to stay as safe as I did. I'm a big believer in my body's natural abilities, but it's good to know those limitations as well... I'm so glad I wasn't by myself.
Thanks again to everyone for sharing--healing thoughts to all. I'm glad to hear about the subsequent successful pregnancies as well, and hope one is in my future sometime soon.
I've read these stories a few at a time. I just can't handle too much at once. I'm so sorry, mamas.
Thank you ladies, for sharing. I really needed to know. Miscarriage is one of those things we whisper, like "cancer." Truth is, it touches a lot of us. I have been alternately outraged and horrified over the lack of available information.
I went for my first prenatal visit with a new cnm on June 26, 06. I was 12wks with my third pregnancy. I'm an experienced doula and a childbirth educator. I birthed my second baby at home. I didn't want to use my babysitting "credits" for a routine visit, so dh stayed at home with the girls and I went alone. Going alone didn't seem like a big deal, but it turned out that it was.
A few minutes after meeting me, the midwife told me she couldn't find a heartbeat with the doppler and invited me to the ultrasound room. I don't do routine u/s, but I thought the situation warranted it. We confirmed on u/s that not only was there no heartbeat, there was also no baby.
I held it together while the pregnant nurse took my blood and while I waited for the cnm to make the arrangements for a detailed u/s at the hospital that afternoon. I howled and bawled in the car before I called dh.
Dh sent the kids to a friend's house and took me for the second u/s. The tech determined that our baby had died at about 7wks. My most wonderful friend returned my kids later that afternoon, and also sent dinner for our family.
I had the option of having a d&c immediately, or waiting to m/c naturally. Initially I chose the d&c, because dh was about to leave for a week long business trip and I didn't want to miscarry while home alone with the kids. I woke up the day before it was scheduled with the overwhelming sense that elective surgery was not a choice I'm comfortable with, so I cancelled it.
On July 3 my labor began. I'd had stop and go contractions for a few days, but no spotting or bleeding or anything, really. On the 3rd, I was spraying my girls with the water hose when a contraction literally knocked me down. The next came within a few minutes, and then it was on. Thankfully dh was home.
I tried to get comfortable in the living room for a while, but I gave up and moved to the toilet after maybe a half an hour or so. When I did, I started bleeding. I put a (leftover from my 5yo's birth) chux pad on the bathroom stool and sat there through contractions for the next 3 hours. (we changed that pad several times) Dh sat there with me. I bled a lot and passed some big clots. It hurt, but it was managable. Eventually I got to the point where I was tired and irritated and bored with the whole thing--it was like transition in a normal birth. I turned to dh and started swearing about how I was sick of it all, and in the middle of it I had a big contraction and the placenta shot out. It was about the size of the palm of my hand. The fetal sac was apparent, the baby was not.
Then it was over.
I ate and went to bed.
A week later I was still on the hormonal roller coaster. One day it was particularly bad; that night I had a pop and gush and passed some more placenta.
I had a normal-ish period a few weeks after that, but my hormones were still whacked. I cried and raged at random intervals.
A week after that period had tapered and ceased, I had a pop and gush and passed more placenta. That was extremely alarming, as I'd though I'd finished my miscarriage a month prior.
With that last pop and gush, my hormones returned to a baseline I can live with. Until I felt better, I hadn't realized how bad off I'd been.
If I'd had a crystal ball back in June, I would have had the d&c. I wouldn't have chosen to live with retained placenta for over a month.
As it turned out, I'm glad I did it the way I did.
I'm looking for some advice. I had a blighted ovum, which the doctors pointed out to me on July 10th. I should have been at 12 weeks, but the ovum didn't develop, just the sack and everything else developed. By July 14th, I still hadn't passed anything, so I opted for Misoprostal. It took about 13 hours, and was excruciating, and I have a high pain tolerance, so that's saying something. What came out (along with a LOT of blood) was about 3 inches long and had a clear sack. There was nothing but clear liquid and some opaque liquid that looked like egg whites in it. My husband and I buried it under a newly planted tree. I went back to the doctor after two weeks, and the ultrasound and hormone tests showed that I'm all clear, but I'm still bleeding, heavily. They said there is something that is probably a polyp or fibroid in my uterus, about the size of a pea, not any leftover from pregnancy, and that is normal and they don't know if it's connected to the bleeding or not. I have a hysteroscopy (they inject fluid into the uterus to get a clearer ultrasound) scheduled on October 3rd to try to see what's going on. Has anyone else heard of bleeding for this long? 71 days? I am taking iron supplements, but of course I'm very anemic after bleeding this long, and I'm wondering if this means I have a major problem, am I infertile, what's going on? I really wish doctors were more knowlegeable than they seem to be about this. One of the ultrasound technicians flat out told me that she was "better with babies" than understanding these kind of complications. Anyone have any ideas?
I had a perfect (surprise) pregnancy with my first child and a wonderful birth experience. He is now 9 months old, and I (surprise again) found out that I was pregnant a little over a week and a half ago (despite our efforts to be careful). What a surprise-- he is exclusively breastfeeding and we had no signs of ovulation yet! So we celebrated after two positive pregnancy tests. I made a doctor's appointment for that Wednesday since she wanted to see me right away given that I was breastfeeding and uncertain of how far along.
The night before the appointment I started spotting. By Wednesday, I was sitting in her doctor's office knowing that I had lost the baby since the spotting turned to bleeding and clotting. I know the exact moment I lost the baby. I held her (I had a strong feeling it was a girl, the same feeling I had with my son.) not knowing what to do. Now I wish I had saved her so that we could find out why and so that I could bury her. My ob pulled blood levels, which confirmed what I knew in my heart. And even though I only knew about her for a short time (I had suspected I was pregnant for a while, dismissing the notion because I thought it really wasn't possible), it hurts just the same.
I return to the doctor next Wednesday so that she can evaluate if there is any permanent damage and if we need to do anything else. The hardest part is experiencing the symptoms of pregnancy knowing that I am no longer pregnant. They are supposed to subside in a few weeks.
Every thing is so raw within me right now. I have a very good friend who experienced a misscarriage after two healthy pregnancies; she has been directed my way like only one who has experienced this can. My husband, bless him, isn't quite sure what to do. I am such a mixture of emotions. I would like to have more babies but am afraid to be pregnant again because I don't want to experience this again. My heart is open though to both another pregnancy and adoption.
I am trying to let myself experience the emotions as they arrive without analyzing. I am most thankful that I have the blessing of a healthy baby boy, which some women will never be able to have. I find myself more convicted in my positions of a mother, wife, doula, breastfeeding advocate...I find it odd that our culture has no formal ritual for this cycle of life. I am planning to bury the tests at my mother's house and plant my favorite flower, daffodils, on top when I am ready. I know that there is a future and a plan for me and my family no matter how big or small. I take hold to that and the hope that is within.
I am so sorry for all of your losses. I hope that through mine I can help others just as your stories have helped me. Blessings to you all.
I am so very very sad reading all of these stories here. They have taken me back to a few years ago, when we lost three babies in a row during our struggle to have a child. We finally have a daughter now, which I consider a miracle and a joy beyond belief. For so long, miscarriage and ectopic loss boards were my home, and I shared and grieved with hundreds of others who understood. We despaired that we might never have a living child. Now we do, but still the memory of those failed pregnancies comes back to me, perhaps even more poignant now because in seeing our daughter, we know exactly what we have lost.
This will be a very long post, sharing not only the physical aspects of those losses but also the emotional.
First Pregnancy, April 2002
We had tried for more than three years to get pregnant, with each passing month more painful than the last. Tests on each of us showed no problem, so we continued to try but with failing hope. The surprise of a pregnancy made all of those 39 long, dim months of waiting seem like nothing... we finally had what we had been praying for! I had taken the test in the afternoon, and the reality of it had not even set in before I started bleeding. HCG tests showed very low numbers. The words, "a non-viable pregnancy," spoken to me over the phone by a nurse, crushed any remnant of hope which I had. I learned again that no matter how badly you wish for something not to happen, even if you say a prayer on every single breath, it can still happen. I can't pinpoint the actual moment of miscarriage... it seemed more like a long and more painful period lasting about a week, followed by extended spotting. Our baby was so small that it was not identifiable. To so many who have never experienced miscarriage, they might think that all you lose are the days or weeks that you were pregnant. They are wrong... you lose the entire lifetime you have imagined with that child. I believe that each baby conceived is a unique and unrepeatable individual, and that no matter how early it is lost in the pregnancy, a person that would-have-been is now gone forever.
Aside from the elation at seeing the initial positive test and the joy of telling our families that we had finally conceived, there was little happiness during that brief and fleeting pregnancy. We'd had only a few hours of untainted joy before the spotting began, and the rest of that time was spent worrying and crying and dreading to check the toilet tissue when I wiped, for fear of more blood. The weight of our years of trying to conceive came back, and I dreaded another long wait to get a second chance. I mourned my baby, and although I had known of it for only a week, it was as if a lifetime had passed. And indeed, an entire life that would-have-been was lost. Our future was gone, and my hope failed.
Second Pregnancy, March-May 2003
Eleven months later, I became pregnant again. The day before I took the test, my husband had told me that he had given up, and that our first pregnancy must have been our only chance. He told me that he thought he could live without a child, but could I? I sat in the floor and listened to this, the most negative thing I had ever had him say, and it all seemed so surreal. It didn't affect me... I didn't cry or argue or get angry to hear these words. I just accepted it and knew it could be true... we might never have a child. The next night, after feeling strange all day, I took a test, and it was a very strong positive. I woke my husband to tell him, and we stayed up talking about our fears for this pregnancy long into the night. I tried to convince myself not to love the baby, because I might just lose it. What an impossibility! How could I not love this life within me? I could feel it changing me... I "felt" pregnant for the first time. I thanked God each time I felt sick, and although I was afraid of losing it (terrified), I also began to dare think that it could possibly last this time. It all felt so REAL and normal. But the memory of my first miscarriage would not let me dare to let go of fear, and although I was joyful, my heart was sick with the thought that I might lose this one as well. Elation and fear played a duel within me, and slowly happiness won over the worry.
My very happiest (and worst) day was one I experienced in May of 2003. I was almost 10 weeks pregnant, and my husband had brought me to the doctor for my second checkup. Everything in the exam seemed wonderful, and after hearing of my fears, the doctor decided to reassure me that all was well by scheduling an ultrasound later in the day. We would get to see the heartbeat, and our fears would be somewhat relieved. The time between that appointment and the time of the ultrasound (about 2 hours) was the gladdest and best time of my life. The thought of seeing our baby made both of us elated. We ate lunch, went shopping for plants, and laughed and talked about our future. For the first time in years, I didn't wince when I saw a big pregnant belly on a passerby, I beamed because soon that would be ME. I can actually pinpoint the best moment I had ever had up until that point... we were at Lowe's, looking at perennial plants, and my husband was across the aisle. I could just barely see his face through the pots and foliage. The time to see our baby on the ultrasound was drawing very near...soon we would drive back to the clinic. William looked across the aisle at me, smiled his biggest smile, and asked, "Are you ready to go, momma?" It was the first time he had said that, and it all seemed so right and so true. I was a momma, a real momma who was about to see her baby for the first time. Its heart would be beating, and it would live. Everything would be okay, and our baby would be born, and I would love him or her so so much.
That was my best moment. And little did I know that about 15 minutes later, I would be having the worst moment of my life... but instead of being brief and fleeting, it would seem like forever. When the ultrasound technician couldn't find anything with the first tool, I was concerned, but still my excitement and gladness was alive. She had to use the transvaginal ultrasound, and said that sometimes it is just hard to see on the regular one. And as I watched the screen, and the look of concern in the technician's eyes as she still searched for a heartbeat, it began to dawn on me that it had happened again. Just when I had allowed myself to be completely happy, it had happened again! I looked at William, sitting in the shadows to the side, and he looked back at me. There was none of the beaming and smiling and laughter in his eyes... just worry. The nurse finally exhaled when she saw something on the screen, but when she asked me if I was maybe not as far along as I had thought I was, I knew it was true. My baby was dead... it had simply stopped growing. Where there should have been a very visible baby on the screen, there was just a tiny shape with no movement. I writhed on the table... I was inconsolable. I screamed, I wailed, I couldn't stand to deal with this again. William had not cried tears at his mother's funeral a few years before, and he didn't cry now, but his face looked just as pained and aguished as it had that day. He had wanted this so much, too. My hands flew to my belly, which just minutes before I had believed held a living baby. How can your happiest moment be followed so closely by your worst?
I had to give blood for a beta HCG count to confirm that the pregnancy had failed, and it was many minutes before I could manage to walk to the lab. The nurse was kind and considerate, and tried to reassure me that all would be well at first. But when she saw that I knew it was over, she squatted down and took my hand and told me that she had lost a baby, too, and knew how I felt. Tears shined in her eyes. She escorted me out through the back exit, so I wouldn't have to see the pregnant women in the waiting room. I rode home stricken, shocked, and quiet. There were no more tears. I was numb now, and berated myself for ever having hoped. I hated my body for failing me again... I felt broken and empty. I found myself still putting my hands on my stomach, which had already begun to round out. How could my baby have just died? I'd done everything right... everything. How could this happen to us again? I just sat and stared out the window and grieved quietly. My husband, clinging to some hope, tried to find a way that it might not be true, but his logic failed and I could tell he knew he was just offering empty reassurances.
I miscarried several days later. The doctor had asked if I would prefer to miscarry naturally, and I said that I did. I wanted to do it on my own, to at least do that much, and when it finally started, I felt relieved. The HCG tests had shown rapidly dropping numbers, so there was no longer any hope about miscalculated dates. It was going to be over soon, if I could just get through that night. I had felt small cramps throughout the day, and in late evening I had felt a gush of warm clear fluid, so I knew it would be happening soon. I didn't even wake my husband, but instead snuck in and out of bed to go to the bathroom. I had actual contractions, which went on for hours with brief intervals during which I could rest, but I welcomed the pain. Somehow I didn't cry, not even once, but was instead very stoic and solemn and silent. I have reflected back on this miscarriage since giving birth to our daughter, and realize now that the pains I felt then were very much like the contractions I had while delivering her without pain medications, but far briefer and less intense. I passed a moderate amount of blood and some clots, but I never saw my baby... I didn't really look. If I could take anything back, it would be that. I should have looked. I used to reassure myself that the baby probably wouldn't have been identifiable, because it stopped growing, so maybe there was nothing to see. But since then I have read of others' experiences and I think I would have seen the sac and the too-small baby within. I feel as if I have betrayed my child by not looking. I regret that so deeply....
I thought I would feel better the next day, since it was finally all over, but I felt even more empty and alone. The physical pain had ended, but the grief had become more intense. I kept putting my hands over my now-empty belly, and the grief wouls leave me crumpled on the floor. This time, I found support on the internet, in pregnancy loss forums. I don't know how I would have managed without those wonderful ladies. My close family and husband were very supportive, but I needed to talk with others who had endured the same loss. It was made more difficult because we had not even told some of our friends about the pregnancy. I don't know why we waited... and how I wish we hadn't! I had to face these people and smile and appear normal, while inside I was waiting for them to notice and ask, "What is wrong with you?" But no one asked. And most of those who did know, and had been so excited about our pregnancy that seemed to be going so well, would scarcely meet my gaze. The loss felt so unacknowledged, too taboo to be mentioned. I began to hate my body, which could not even perform this one function which others seemed to do almost effortlessly.
Ectopic Pregnancy, October 2003
To do something to feel back in control of this, I had a few tests and it was discovered that my progesterone levels were abnormal. It was something I could cling to, a glimmer of hope. It was something I could do... something tangible and real. I began taking oral supplements, and a few months after the miscarriage, we began trying again. To our utter amazement, we conceived the first month. But the positive test was received with trepidation, because I was already bleeding. This time, I did not allow myself to hope for a good outcome, and after many blood tests which showed slowly rising HCG levels, I suspected that the pregnancy was in my tube. An ultrasound confirmed this, and I was not surprised or shocked. I had expected something bad, and this was actually what I felt might be wrong. I had been almost expecting the pregnancy to be ectopic, and I accepted the diagnosis without complaint or hestitation.
In that ultrasound room, I lay on the table and watched the screen intently. I was very clinical, very detached. I had already mourned this baby, from the moment I had seen the positive test. There was no screaming, no writhing like before. Just a slow and steady fall of silent tears that rolled down my cheeks and left smears on my glasses. I asked many questions as we waited for the doctor, queries about treatments for ectopic pregnancies, causes, and how uncommon it is. The technician tried his best to answer our questions, and I was glad to see he met my gaze steadily and openly. That simple gesture made me feel better, and I prepared myself for possible surgery. The doctor, who had been my physician through the entire ordeal from infertility testing to miscarriages, confirmed that the baby was in my right tube, and it had already succumbed. There was no heartbeat, although one might have been visible at 6 weeks 4 days when using transvaginal ultrasound. I was relieved that I did not have to endure seeing a fluttering heart, only to have to remove it from my body. I got a more clear look at the embryo than I did during my miscarriage before, and I felt so hollow and empty knowing that my body housed yet another dead baby. Why was I so broken?
I was prepared for laparoscopic surgery which would take place in an hour or so, and that entire time seemed so surreal. I had never had surgery of any kind, and I was both curious about how it would feel and fearful that it would go wrong. My husband seemed terrified for me. He had also never been in surgery, and I think that seeing me with an IV and lying so helpless on a narrow hospital bed upset and frightened him. The nurses were very reassuring, and took the time to tell me that they were sorry for the loss of my baby. One recounted that she had also had an ectopic pregnancy, and understood my fear. She cried as she told me, and smiled as she mentioned that she went on to have a daughter a year later. Their kindness meant so much to me... here were strangers who were more open and sympathetic than many of my own family and friends had been during our previous losses. I was given a sedative, but it made me jumpy instead of calming me. I couldn't hold still... I wriggled and squirmed and tapped my feet against the bedcovers. I had moments of mellow calm interspersed with periods of anxiety and fidgety irritation. I was impatient for it to be over, but I had eaten earlier in the day and my stomach had to settle. That period of waiting was very difficult, and I could see it was wearing on my husband who seemed so fearful for me.
I did take the advice of the nurses right before being put under the anesthetic, and that was to think of something pleasant. In my case, I recalled the memory of a great afternoon William and I had birdwatching a few years ago. We had driven down a very narrow dirt road in a wildlife refuge in the autumn, and the edge of the road was hemmed in with trees on both sides to make a canopy above us, with just glimpses of the clearest sky. The autumn leaves were falling and swirling all about the car, narrow leaves of the brightest yellow, and on the car stereo was playing a song from The Lord of the Rings books, sung beautifully by a choir. It was very elvish and melancholy, and made me think of Lothlorien, a place described in the story as being hauntingly beautiful, restful, and calming with its golden trees. We drove the length of that tiny road listening to the song, and even though there was just a gravel turnaround at the end, it was well worth the drive and we were both completely at peace. It is one of my nicest memories, something which could never be recreated even if we went at the same day of the year and played the same song. We didn't know where that wee road led, and what might lie at the end... and when it just ended, with no destination, we weren't sorry at all. I remember that now as a life lesson... a thought that comforts me as I travel down any new road.
My surgery over, and a success because they saved my right tube, we came home. The doctor said that the baby's remains were not substantial enough to be identifiable, so yet again, I had nothing tangible to bury or mourn, The physical pains and recovery from the surgery helped to dull my emotions, and at the time I was very glad of that. I had trouble comprehending that terrible number, "three." It is a small number, but seemed so huge. Three babies lost, gone, never to grow. Three individuals with their own ways which I would not learn in this life. Three, the number of children my parents had, enough to make a busy, happy household. The number of siblings which my husband has, each their own unique person. I will have to wait to meet them, I suppose. I never even got to see their heartbeats... I just knew they were there, although for so brief a time that most people seem to have already forgotten them. Most don't realize that they were here long enough to change my life forever... my first three children who have affected me as much each day in their deaths as they would have had they been born.
We finally have our long-awaited child, after seven painful years of frustration and loss. If you don't think that we were nervous during that pregnancy, you would be wrong! Each moment was counted as a blessing... each day, a milestone. We saw a pulsing heartbeat on that ultrasound at last, instead of stillness. And she finally arrived, safe and alive. Those were my first words when Gail was born: "She is really alive!" I could scarcely believe that she was real, and yet each morning upon awakening, there she was.
Having lost three babies (and after enduring so many years of infertility), we have such an appreciation for each day we spend with Gail. She brings unfathomable joy. And yet, when I look at her, I do wonder about her siblings, and what they might have been. So, although I am so wonderfully happy to be a momma at last, I do still miss those others. They paved Gail's way with love and tears, and we will never be the same.
I don't know that anyone has actually read this far... but if you have, thank you. It felt good to share this amongst those who understand.
My prayers are with all of those who are struggling through loss... many hugs to you all!
This is what I shared from another small chat group.
I have more sad news to tell and yet in a twist we feel blessed.
I think I did tell you that last Thursday I started to bleed. I thought maybe I overdid it, and after talking to my midwife decided to have an ultrasound if it got worse. On Friday it seemed to lessen up. Saturday we went to the midwife to try to find a heartbeat. We could not hear one...yet we could not hear one 2 weeks before.
Saturday the blood was almost nonexistant. On Sunday it started back up again but nothing scary just like light menstrual flow. We were going in to have an ultrasound Monday. We still held on to hope.
Sunday night I passed the baby. We could see it clearly the little hands. It looked about 9 or 10 weeks along (I was 13 weeks pregnant). I baptized the baby.
On Monday, we went to Mass. We didnt' know they were having a furneral mass that morning. It was very hard and my husband and I were so overcome with the requiem mass and the singing that we cried silently through the whole thing.
Later, we were able to bury our little baby on Church grounds where they have an area for that. My mom brought over a little box, cried with me, looked at the baby. We placed the baby in the box ( a very pretty carved box that she had lined and put our family picture in).
Tuesday we met my mom and sister in law for pizza.I was glad to be distracted and surrounded by all my little nephews and neice not to mention my own However, at the pizza place I passed more clots, which was very traumatic to be scooping these out of a public toilet...I was scared it could be part of the baby This toilet was an automatic flusher! . I wanted to make sure it was buried..
I brought home with me one of my nephews because he has been wanting to spend the night for so long. Later, we went to the little grave and buried the clots and put a little garden fence around the grave. This helped.
On Wednesday driving him (my nephew ) back home (they live an hour away) I felt nauseous and just so tired. We dropped him off. On the way back we stopped to eat at Dairy Queen (I thought it was that I needed to eat) I started cramping. I went to the bathroom there and noticed alot more blood and i passed a few more clots. I was confident that these were just normal blood clots and let them go down the drain.
The cramping got bad and it felt like labour. When we arrived home I got into a warm bath to help relieve the cramps/contractions. I felt a bit better and got dressed to help Jeff get the kids off to bed. While I was holding Thomas and rocking him to sleep the pains got worse and had to leave Jeff with Thomas while I went off to try to cope with the pain.
I got in a warm bath again. I forget that I really shouldn't be in a bath because of infection...I just knew that the warm water would help with the pain. The contractions got worse I had to pant through them. I would get up and squat and clot and blood would come out. I thought my body was just purging the rest of the placenta out. I would alternate squatting and laying down. Then...out whooshed this ...amniotic sac from my body.
I was so shocked...it came out in the water and floated like a balloon. it was full..I didn't know what to think.
The next few minutes were chaos. Me wrapped in a towel, blood running down my legs....getting Jeff. The babies not understanding and David trying to help mommy clean the blood by unrolling the entire roll of toilet paper. Jeff calling the midwife...me in the other tub still bleeding and Thomas standing by the tub, grabbing at mommy.
the amniotic sac was intact, It was the size of my hand and full. My husband carefully opened it up. Inside was a little baby. This one looked about 6 weeks.I baptized that baby . We were so stunned. We felt so much grief and yet amazed that we had twins.
Since I was bleeding too much I needed to go in to er. I will skip all the chaos of getting ready, getting my mom...cleaning up....
The doctor who works with my midwife met us there. we brought along the sac, and everything else. I told Jeff to keep it hidden. He examined me, removed a clot and said i was doing fine the bleeding had stopped. He examined the baby and was amazed, he had never seen in person a baby that small. He was amazed that we were able to find it He told us to keep it out of site so we didn't have a bunch of paper work to fill out in order to keep "our " baby.
What we think happened is that one baby died, but the second one continued on for another month and that's why the sac was so big for the 6 week old baby. My body thought to just keep growing..
The doctor was very nice and prayed with us before he left. i feel blessed to have a midwife with this pregnancy, because I don't know if this happened with a regular ob if I would of been able to see as much or would they have made me do a d and c and the babies would not have remained intact.
Today was hard....we had to dig the grave up again (we want them together) and place the second little "coffin" in. My emotions are so up and down. I fine then I am bawling. This morning I called a bunch of friends to tell them what happened. I was so in awe of what happened, how neat God made everything....and that we have two babies in heaven. Yet, later this afternoon i was so overcome with the fact that I won't see them grow up.
I need your prayers...I just had to let you ladies know.
I found this link to be very helpful while I was waiting to miscarry, so here's my story:
I had miscarried my first pregnancy at 5 1/2 weeks. Emotionally, it was hard, but I had almost no cramps and I only bled for about 3 days (less than my normal monthly period). My midwife said I could go ahead and start trying whenever we wanted, and let me know that often women are very fertile after a miscarriage.
DH and I found out that we were pregnant again very soon after. We were very excited, but very nervous. For the next 10 weeks, everytime I went to the bathroom, I would get nervous that I would see spotting. Then it happened - when I was just 2 days before hitting the 12 week mark, I started spotting. I called my midwife and she sent me in for some tests. My progesterone and HcG levels were very low. A second HcG test showed the numbers were decreasing. After some discussion with my DH and midwife, we decided to give it a few weeks to try and miscarry naturally. During this time, many people told me I was crazy, but I felt like it was the only way I could truely say goodbye to my little angel.
Fast forward to what would have been exactly 14 weeks. I had been spotting on and off for two weeks. It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon, so I was heading to the store to pick up some bulbs for the yard - I decided to make a perennial flower bed for my lost loved ones. As DH and I pulled into the parking lot, I felt a strange sense of peace and calmness. Then, when I went to stand up to get out of the car, I felt a huge gush. I wasn't sure if I had wet myself or started to miscarry. I checked my pants, and it was very clear that I was beginning the miscarriage. We got back in the car and drove home. When we got home, I decided to get in the shower to clean up myself and my pants. I ended up having a few more large gushes in the shower. Once I seemed to have stopped gushing, I cleaned up, threw the tissue in a container (to bury in the perennial garden) and got dressed again. It was only a few hours after that when I started cramping. I had some very strong menstrual like cramps (back, stomach and legs) for about 4 hours. DH was wonderful and kept recharging my heating pad (putting in the microwave for a minute).
I was amazed at how peaceful I felt the next morning. I'm still sad that I lost a little angel, but by waiting for the natural miscarriage, I felt I was able to say goodbye and get closure.
I'm still bleeding a little (mostly just spotting). My midwife wants me to wait until some tests can be run (progesterone levels etc.) until we start trying again.
Thanks for reading my story.
My m/c started roughly 2 weeks ago before I even knew I was pg. The bleeding started 3 days before my "normal" cycle was due but it was different. It was very very heavy with a lot of clots. I use a diva cup and had to empty it almost hourly for about 3 days. My regular Dr. refered me to an OB as my iron level was very low from my heavy cycles. So here I was 1 week + into bleedign at the Ob's office. He is talking about my having a cyst and getting a scraping of my uterus the next morning. Well we ran some blood tests and came up with a + blood test with some low numbers. Later in the day I had the u/s which showed a sac but nothing else. We repeated the blood test the next 2 days and my levels rose to almost double. All this time I am still bleeding and only very very light cramping once in a while (not even as bad as AF cramps). Well here we are 4 days after the "high" level of 342 with a level of 71. I am still bleeding almost 2 1/2 weeks after it all started. I have chosen to not have a D&C as they are very invasive but will have one if I really need to.
Thank you all for sharing your stories with us all. It really shows me how lucky I was.
I birthed a tiny fetus on 9-11 -06.
I had no idea i would actually be birthing-!!
I had light brown spotting for weeks, I felt strange about this but mw were not worried because I had no other symptoms.
At 10 p.m. 9-10 i started having red blood and knew I was loosing my baby.
At about 11:30 I finally got my ds to bed(finally) and me on the toilet.
I caught everything including a tiny fetus with eyes looking at me.
the fetus was about the size of a kidney bean. I bled a lot and got scared. I had contractions (mild for me compared to full term) every 30 minutes and I would birth more tissue. I birthed the placenta at 3:30 am and knew it was over.
I went on line to do a search to help me feel ok and what to do next. i didn't know this thread was here, I was looking.
I called the mw in the morning 2 days later she checked me and went over the remains with me.
i should also mention I did not want an u/s with this pregnancy and if I had had one I would have known sooner.
We felt this baby was our baby girl. We have been talking about her for years and even named her. That is the hardest part - the spirt of this child with us. She is buried under a huge cedar in our back yard.
After thoughts of the whole thing. I felt something was wrong the whole time. sometimes I can be paranoid and I was trying to be OK. There are so many things to worry about already.
2 days of crying and trying to put my life back together I actually felt this dead energy leave me.
I have read it takes several weeks for a natural miscarriage and we are still caring this dead baby, dead energy.
I am ok though. maybe I wasn't ready. Maybe the baby wasn't ready.
this is the natural process of things and I am ok, and I hope you can also find this healing.
nothing can emotionally prepare you though.
Big hugs to everyone...
One of the worst parts about miscarriage for me has been uncertainty. Before I came across this site, and spoke with some other women that had miscarriages I didn't have a clue what I could expect from this experience. My heart goes out to you if you are waiting and wondering. Be strong and know that your body knows what to do. Talk to other women. They can help you feel more normal and help you understand what is going on. Get lots of hugs and put yourself first, especially now.
I was 11 weeks pregnant when I noticed the lightest pinkish brown spotting... At first I thought it was probably nothing, but the next morning it was enough to show up on my panty liner. I thought I should go get checked out, just in case. My first prenatal exam for pap smear and blood work was scheduled for the next morning. The doctor did a vaginal ultrasound and said, "Oh, this is a very early pregnancy. You're probably about 5-6 weeks along. I see a little tiny sac right here" and he pointed to a small black spot on the screen. I said, "That's impossible! I had a positive pregnancy test September 22nd." It was October 18th. When I said that his expression sank and he looked a little closer. He couldn't see any sign of life and also thought that he saw cysts on my ovaries. I was not happy to hear that. I have friends with PCOS, and I didn't want it. He said that we might be having a miscarriage. I was instantly devastated. I knew in my heart at that moment that all hope was lost for this pregnancy. He drew some blood to check my HCG levels, and encouraged me to keep my appointment for the next day. I came in the next morning for a pap smear and another blood draw for HCG comparison. He sent me to the hospital for another ultrasound. I waited for what seemed to be forever to hear the news I had expected... They were sure I would miscarry.
The doctor was pretty vague at telling me what to expect, so I contacted a midwife that I found online. She told me in more detail what to look for... That the bleeding would increase and that I might see large clots being passed and that I might not recognize the embryonic sac in the clots. She told me that if I was SOAKING two pads every half an hour that it was too much blood and I should go to the hospital. She encouraged me to call with any questions, and reminded me to trust my body because it knew what to do. She encouraged me to try to work through the miscarriage at home, because a D&C could be dangerous and unnecessary.
For the next few days I walked around in a daze, with a painful sadness that was crippling. I burned through an entire box of tissues crying my eyeballs out. I felt hopeless, worthless, suicidal. My three sisters came to spend the weekend with me. Their company was wonderful. I was able to forget about the ordeal for a while, but when they all had to go back to school and work on Monday I was left alone with my thoughts again and went back to uncontrollably sobbing. My poor husband didn't have any idea why I was so sad, and didn't know what to do for me.
Exactly one week after I noticed the spotting, I began to bleed more heavily and have cramps that were enough for me to be uncomfortable during class. (I'm 30, and going back to school) I came home early, took some Ibuprofen and tried to relax. My symptoms nearly went away for a little while. My sister and her children came over for dinner and left around 9pm. At 11, I was clearing the last of the dinner dishes and cleaning up the kitchen and I started looking around and getting ANGRY about how much stuff was lying around everywhere. I started cleaning like crazy. My husband heard me stomping around and he came up from the computer room. I yelled at him for not taking care of stuff while I wasn't feeling well and told him that he'd better help me find the house under the pile of junk that was burying it. We cleaned like mad for two hours. I even helped him move the bed (which is very heavy) to vacuum under it. All the while, my cramps and bleeding increased until I couldn't clean anymore. They were demanding my complete attention.
From 1am until 4am the cramps got worse and worse... I could feel them coming and going, like contractions. I breathed through them, tried different positions, sitting, standing, squatting, walking... I continued to pass large clots of bloody tissue that ranged in size from pea size to the size of a silver dollar. At 4am my husband was falling asleep. I sent him to bed. The next two hours were terrifying for me. I was alone, and the pain was unbearable. My uterus clamped down for one solid contraction that lasted over an hour. I was miserable, but it was snowing like crazy, and all of my friends have small children. I couldn’t think of anyone to call. At 7am I called my lover over to help me (yes, I am in a loving relationship with two men, and I'm the luckiest woman alive). He normally gets up at 5am and has a 1.5-hour commute to work, but with the snow it was going to be much longer. When he heard my voice, he was over in a flash. He went through my meds box and found the last Vicodin. Then he took me into the guest room and I laid on my stomach while he gently "walked" his knuckles up and down my sacral spine and pressed on my pelvis and hip joints. He was kneeling between my knees while he pushed on my back, and occasionally he would lie down on me (his belly resting on my butt) and gently rock me back and forth. The pressure helped a lot.
At 9am my husband got up and took over. My lover had to go to work and he reluctantly kissed me goodbye. The next couple of hours brought the worst pain. At around 10:30, I sent my husband to the pharmacy to get some more pain meds. Once again, I was alone. I thought about going to the hospital, but I wasn't bleeding too much (according to the midwife) and I didn't want them to force me into a D&C. I sat on the couch and said out loud, "Goodbye baby. I'm sorry that things worked out this way. Please come out of there. I love you."
I was passing large clots of stringy, bloody tissue. Some of them were as big as silver dollars. I examined some of them because I was looking for the baby. They felt a little like cooked pumpkin or spaghetti squash. It was relatively solid tissue, but I could pull it apart without much effort. Some of it was smooth and gelatinous. It reminded me of liver. All of it was a very, very dark red color (almost black) Around 11:30am I had some HORRIBLE contractions that I couldn't speak through, and nothing I did made me more comfortable. I prayed for them to be over soon. Within 20 minutes they subsided considerably.
My mom came over with some tea and chocolate for me and started to make me some soup. The Vicodin was kicking in and I fell asleep in the recliner for a short time. I woke up suddenly at 12:30 with an urge to run to the bathroom. The minute I sat down I felt something painlessly slip out and heard a little plop into the water. I knew that it had to be the embryo. I fished it out of the toilet with a little net and put it into a baggie to get a good look at it. All I could see was a little sac that was a little over an inch long. There was a lot of blood, but I could tell that it was different than everything else that I passed. The sac had whitish-pink streaks and when I felt around in it I couldn't really feel any sign of the baby. I was amazed at how tough it was. It felt like a very wilted grape with an incredibly thick skin. It was bigger than what the doctor measured on the ultrasound. He thought it was around 8mm, but it was about 2.5 cm long. The sac was attached to some stringy tissue similar to what I noticed earlier. I determined that it must have been part of the placenta.
I was also amazed at how I was feeling. Physically I was almost back to normal. I was surprised at how strong and good I felt, especially after being up for 32 hours essentially going through labor. Emotionally I was relieved that it was over, a little bit sad, but also a little detached. I was surprised that I didn't break down and sob, but I didn't feel a need to. I showed my mom the little baggie, and she cried. She said some comforting words to me, and I cried a little too.
I was awake for 32 hours straight and I was ready for some real sleep. I ate a bowl of soup and hit the sack. I woke up at around 9pm, took a shower and got dressed. I felt so much better. My lover came over for a little visit. I was so glad to see him. He stayed the night and got up early for work on Friday.
Friday evening rolled around, and at about 6pm I started having mean contractions again. I was confused and not happy about it. I thought I was done, but I guess not. Several more clots of blood were passed, but nothing serious. I went through about three more hours of intense contractions, but eventually they settled down again, and I've just had some normal bleeding ever since. I didn't sleep well last night and today I'm feeling very emotional again.
I hope that telling my story might help someone know what to do or feel a little more confident in what to expect. If you have gone through something like this, please talk about it and help other women know about it. It's ridiculous how little information is available on the subject, when it's such a common occurrence. My heart goes out to all of you who have lost, or are in the process of losing your baby. Let's be there for each other as women, and reach out to those who are needing some support. Keep telling your stories, and share your wisdom.
This was my 2nd miscarriage and it was much different than the 1st (earlier in this thread). This time I started bleeding heavily at 5 1/2 weeks. I immediately assumed that I was miscarrying because it was similar to the beginning of my last one. But the bleeding only lasted a day, and a few days later I was still testing positive, so I went to the OB to see what was happening. I ended up going to the hospital for an "emergency" transvaginal u/s and the tech showed me my tiny baby with a very strong heartbeat! I was ecstatic, sobbing and hugging the tech. My baby was alive! I couldn't be happier. It turned out that I had a small subchorionic hematoma that had hemmoraged, and might continue to hemmorage throughout the pregnancy, so I was put on pelvic rest just to be safe.
The next 2 weeks were great, no signs of m/c. I whole-heartedly thought everything was fine this time. 2 weeks later I went in for another transvaginal u/s just as a check-up. This time there was no heartbeat. The baby must have just died prior to the u/s. I was devastated.
The next 2 weeks were one very long and grueling wait. Nothing. Then the m/c began. The cramping, contractions, lots of bleeding, lots of searching through the toilet for my baby. What looked like a gestational sac popped out but it was dark red and blood-filled so I believe it was the hematoma. I disected it anyway, but no baby. This time I felt a strong POP before I m/c the placenta. But this time it wasn't all in one piece with the gestational sac and baby attached. It was in big and small chunks. And this time no baby. I searched through everything. I don't know what happened to him. Maybe he reabsorbed into my body? I froze the placenta in hopes that the baby would eventually come out so I can bury them complete, like my last. But it's 2 cycles later and it hasn't happened and I don't expect it to.
This time I am not ready to pick up the pieces and try again. This one made me feel like I truly was just about to lose my sanity.
When the time feels right I will bury the placenta next to my other baby, on the other side of the young gardenia bush that I bought for my first.
There is a tiny glimpse of beauty in this. The day after I found out I m/c, the gardenia bush (that I planted with my first) produced it's first gardenia blossom. A big beautiful bright deliciously fragrant blossom....on that tiny new seedling of a gardenia bush. And that was the only blossom it has produced since.
I posted my story yesterday... I passed the embryonic sac on Thursday morning. Saturday was very emotional but non-eventful as far as bleeding and pain. I had some cramps and I took a lot of pills (Vicodin) to dull my sadness more than anything... Sunday morning (today) my bleeding was very light and seemed like it was going to stop, but about 1/2 an hour ago it kicked in again and I passed another large clot of bloody tissue. Does anyone know how long this could go on?
Trying not to worry...
This past time it lasted almost 2 weeks for me. Lots of off and on, like you said. It was emotionally (and physically) hard for it to last that long, but it helped a little to know that my body knew what it was doing. I just needed to trust it.
Mama. From reading all the mamas stories here, it's a completely individual thing. Sometimes it can be a few days and other times it can be months.
You mentioned that you passed the sac. Did you pass the placenta yet? It looks and feels like thick chicken skin and there is a lot of it (a handful for me, and then some, at 7-10 weeks).
I don't know if I've actually passed the placenta or not... I've passed several large chunks of tissue that seemed like it could have been parts of the placenta. They were very similar to the tissue that was attached to the sac. If all of the parts were put together, I would say that it might make up a handfull, but I just don't know. I keep feeling like I'm mostly done with this, but then this afternoon surprised me. I'm going in to the doc tomorrow, and I think he's going to do an ultrasound to see what else is hanging out in there. I'm so tired of dealing with this. It's emotionally and physically wearing me out.
Thanks for the encouragement. I can use all that I can get right now.
to you all.
I came to read this thread when I started miscarrying. It helped me so much!
My husband and I started TTC in September 06 and we got pregnant that first cycle. It took my positive test quite a while to show up, which in retrospect, should have been a sign that something wasn't right. I tested negative at 12, 14 and 16DPO and was sure I'd eventually get my period (even though, at 16DPO, I was already 4 days late). I tested again at 19DPO and got a very strong positive. I was elated, but immediately scared something bad would happen. We didn't tell anyone.
5 days later (at 5w4d) on Monday October 9th, I was grocery shopping when I felt wetness in my pants. I looked down and couldn't see anything, but finished my shopping up quickly, my heart pounding. I rushed to my car, got in and looked down. There it was -- blood, seeping through my khakis.
I left my husband a frantic voicemail and drove home, freaking out. Got home, put on a pad. The bleeding had just been a big gush, but didn't continue. My husband finally called, I told him what had happened, I was very upset. He called my midwife's office, they advised us to to go the ER. He came and got me and we went to the ER. We spent 5 hours there. I barely bled at all, they did an u/s and didn't see anything. My hcg levels were normal for someone 5 weeks pregnant.
That night and the next day I had brown spotting. I felt fairly confident that things might be ok.
2 days after my ER visit I followed up with the doctor the hospital sent me to. She did an exam and said my cervix was closed. She took more blood to test my hcg levels and said that she thought I was miscarrying. I was annoyed that she'd say that without even knowing my hcg levels. My spotting turned pink right before my visit.
The next day at work I felt some wetness and went to the bathroom. As soon as I sat down I had a large gush of blood with some tissue come out. Later in the day I had another gush of blood when I went to the bathroom. My spotting was now red. The doctor from the previous day called and said that my hcg levels were the same as Monday and that I should go to the hospital for another blood draw. She blamed the stagnant numbers on a difference in the labs.
The next day (Friday October 13th) I stopped at the hospital to have my hcg levels tested again and then I went into my midwife's office for the first time. They did an u/s and said that there was still quite a bit in there, and now a small sac could be seen, but it was too small if I was really 6 weeks. They were trying to get my hcg results from the hospital when I left.
Later that afternoon I finally called them to see if my numbers were in. They were -- they were rising, but not enough. In 5 days they hadn't even doubled. It was confirmed -- I was miscarrying.
We canceled our weekend plans to stay home. I didn't want to go far from a hospital. But nothing happened -- just the same old spotting. It was scary and frustrating. Sunday afternoon I had some light bleeding and that made me hopeful. The waiting was intense. Over the next few days I had more bleeding, at times it was heavier than a normal period. Then it dropped back off to just spotting. I hated waiting for it to happen, and I was worried I would have a large amount of bleeding when I was at work, in an important meeting, etc. It was really hard to wait it out.
That Thursday, October 19th, I went in for another ultrasound. The tech said that there was still quite a bit in my uterus that needed to come out. I talked to the midwife and she encouraged me to get a D&C. I told her that I didn't want one, that I'd prefer to wait it out and let it happen naturally. She said that's not what she recommended. I was annoyed -- weren't midwives supposed to be more holistic and less medical? I was only 5 weeks when this started, I should not need a D&C!
I also tried to talk to her about my suspicion for the miscarriage -- that my luteal phase was only about 9 days long and that I was worried about my progesterone. She seemed to dismiss my concerns, which upset me. My voice cracked, and as soon as that happened she came right over to me and hugged me. She told me it was ok. The floodgates opened and I told her I was tired of waiting and that I was scared of surgery. She tried to make me feel better, and I appreciated her compassion.
I left the office with an appointment to see one of the ob/gyns the next Wednesday. My husband and I had plans to go to a wedding out of town that weekend and I was determined not to miss it. I was sick of putting my life on hold for this miscarriage. We left for the wedding Saturday 10/21 and I managed to have a good time. The wedding was on Sunday 10/22, and we had originally planned to stay that night and leave Monday to come home, but since the reception was over at 4pm I decided I wanted to just drive the 5 hours to get home and be able to sleep in my own bed that night.
We got home around 10:30pm. I started cramping, just a little at first. I took some advil and tried to go to sleep. Took more advil... finally around midnight, I'd taken 7 advil and felt awful. My husband was still up and I told him I was cramping pretty badly. I sat up with him hoping it would go away. It just got worse. I was so glad we had come home and I wasn't stuck in a hotel room far from home!
At 1am we called the on-call doctor who told me to take aleve instead and to drink a glass of wine, since apparently wine helps stop uterine contractions. I was nauseous from the pain and didn't think I could get a glass down but said I would try. I told her I wanted the D&C. I was in so much pain that all I could think about was making it stop, and I was willing (at that point) to take the risk of the surgery to have it over with. She told me not to eat or drink anything and to call first thing in the morning to come in.
I choked down half a glass of wine, some aleve, and took a hot bath, hoping it would help. It didn't. At some point I let my husband go to sleep because there was nothing he could do for me, and I figured he'd need to be alert for the morning. I felt like I had to have a bowel movement, and I felt that sitting on the toilet sometimes made things feel better. I also felt the instinctual need to push and found myself pushing for a while, with nothing coming out. There was no blood, still only spotting.
At one point, the pain was so bad I was ready to wake my husband up to take me to the ER so I could demand pain medication. I took more aleve before I was supposed to hoping that would help. Finally, around 4:30am, 6 hours after the cramps started, they subsided. I laid down in bed and dozed until around 8am.
I got up and decided to shower. During my shower I had more mild cramping. As I was toweling off, I suddenly passed a large clot, about the size of an orange. It was so huge! I was amazed. I passed another smaller clot while I was standing there staring at the big one.
I went to the toilet to clean up and tried to keep the ever-curious cat away from the clot in the tub (he loves to drink out of the faucet when we're done showering!!). I still wasn't bleeding much, just spotting. I inspected the clot but didn't see much. It was dark red, and like a mixture of jello and pudding. I was amazed by it. I actually regret not waking my husband up so he could look at it. I was also disappointed that 6 hours of painful cramping only brought out one decent-sized clot. I was worried there would be more cramping.
We went to the doctor's office and I had another ultrasound. The tech said my uterus looked much improved and the yolk sac was gone, but there was still a bit that needed to come out. I went back to wait in the waiting room and one of the other midwives came out to tell me that I wouldn't be having the D&C today but that I should come back at 1pm to meet with the ob/gyn. I was disappointed.
We came back at 1pm. The ob/gyn was very nice. She told me that she didn't recommend a D&C for me, but she did recommend the induction drug, cytotek, to help me complete the miscarriage. I told her that as long as she gave me some good painkillers, I was fine with that. I'd actually taken that day and the next day off work because of the wedding. She said I could take one dose of cytotek vaginally that night and that I'd probably sleep through everything. She said to use sheets and pajamas that we wouldn't mind throwing out. She echoed all my fears about a D&C and said she had a 100% effective rate for cytotek with completing miscarriages. I felt much better after meeting with her.
We left and my husband filled my prescriptions for cytotek, hydrocodone and an anti-nausea medication. He also picked up super huge pads and tampons. I was feeling emotionally much better -- I felt like the worst of it was over now and hoped that the cytotek would do its job and I wouldn't need a D&C.
That night we put down some towels to protect the mattress and I took the painkiller and anti-nausea med, and then a half hour later I inserted the cytotek and went to bed. It was hard to sleep because I kept wondering if I was bleeding yet. I got up 5 hours after inserting the cytotek and removed the tampon. I wasn't bleeding, just spotting still. I went back to bed. When we got up, I did pass a very small clot when I used the bathroom, but I was still just spotting. The doctor called (on her day off) to check on me. I told her I hadn't bled and she thought maybe I'd passed most of it already and that my body was absorbing the rest. She said that I could take the second dose of cytotek she'd given me, that it couldn't hurt, and I should come in first thing the next morning. So, my husband stayed home with me and I spent the day napping on and off (the painkiller made me so sleepy!). I passed a little bit more clotty material, but nothing much.
The next morning the doctor did another ultrasound (we're up to 5 ultrasounds in 3 weeks here!) and saw that there was just a small spot of blood left to come out, but she said that my uterus looked great compared to just a week ago. She said my cervix was closed and that she just wanted to leave me alone at this point. The nurse took more blood to check my hsg levels and the doctor said she'd call later to let me know when to come in for my next beta.
Today, October 30th, is my 2nd blood/spotting-free day, and it's been exactly 3 weeks since my first gush of blood. My temperature dropped the other day, which makes me really happy. I hope my cycle will regulate itself soon. Emotionally I feel much better, but I know that if someone unknowingly made a comment about my husband and I starting a family, I'd probably lose it.
Throughout this process, I found that the worst part was waiting. I also wish I'd had some heavy duty painkillers for the cramping, but I'm glad I avoided a D&C. A miscarriage is a natural bodily function, and as scary as it is, your body knows what to do. If this happened to me again, I would probably opt for the cytotek, because the waiting drained me emotionally. I was so sick of being sad and miserable and scared. Now that it's over, I feel so much better.
Hugs to all the ladies of this forum