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Kimberly, mom & wife - about pregnancy and birth
DD 2004; 3 babies 2007-08; twin DDs 2009; DD 7/12/11 hospital VBAC after 2 cesareans!
I began miscarrying out baby on August 1. I am still expelling tissue. The baby is gone. I know that. The blood is a consistent reminder of what I've lost.
I was "merely" 6 weeks pregnant when I m/c'ed. But I was connected to this pregnancy in an uncanny way. I knew within days of conception that I was pregnant. I knew that I was having a boy. And he's gone. And there's a huge hole in my heart that will never heal. That's ok. That's what makes me a woman and a mother.
On August 1 I had a couple of spots of dark brown blood on my pantiliner. No cause for concern, right? And actually, a number of women do spot/bleed during their first trimester and throughout their pregnancies with no miscarriage. My SIL & I were bathing our children together and I felt a trickle. I knew instantly that something was wrong. I hoped I was wrong. But I wasn't. There was bright red blood and tissue on my liner. I knew that was the beginning of the miscarriage. I was out of the country but called into my family practice doctor's office. The doc on call returned my SOS and told me that I was likely miscarrying. He didn't really tell me what to expect . . . or really tell me what to do . . . except to avoid pain killers. (I guess that was because that could increase the blood flow.) The bleeding stopped, and I tried to get some sleep. I was hopeful.
I woke up a couple of times that night to use the restroom. Each time I wiped away fresh blood. I knew it wasn't a nightmare. I was losing my baby. The next day (Aug 2), I was somewhat in denial. I wasn't in pain, so surely it was just a subchorionic bleed. We got in the van to visit some family, and that's when it all went down hill. I began to cramp severely and contract. I hurt so bad and couldn't grieve. I didn't want to worry my family. I was so uncomfortable I wasn't sure I'd be able to keep going in the car. The bleeding was very heavy. That night I expelled a large fleshy mass that looked placental to me. Since the baby was only the size of a sesame seed, I never found him.
One of the worst things about miscarriage is how uncerimonious it can be. We throw away dirty sanitary napkins. We flush tissue down the toilet. Some of us are able to bury their losses and somewhat move on. Very few people knew I was pregnant. For most of the world, my pregnancy never existed. And no one on earth knew my baby like I did.
My body is healing itself and doing its job. Good for it. I'm still bleeding, and even though my friends are worried, I'm not. In fact, I wonder if I'm not actually menstruating? That's what it feels like today, at least. My skin is a disaster. Hormones are nuts. I still cry sometimes.
I'm still trying to wrap my mind around this experience. What caused the miscarriage? Were my hormones too imbalanced? When can I try to conceive again? Will this happen again? So much doubt. I was so terrified my entire 1st trimester last time, and I told myself that I wasn't going to do that to myself this time. And how am I supposed to approach pregnancy in the future without fear? Faith? I know. Trust? Sure. Well, not so easy for me.
My soul is a disaster area that has been neglected. I was away this past weekend and able to think. Oh, how hard it is to escape your thoughts when you're left alone with them and only them. How to repair the soul? I dunno.
I'm thankful for this "sticky" thread. I wasn't able to consult this resource when it was happening to me, but I hope that our diverse experiences and interpretations of them will be helpful to others. If you are reading this, know that an entire community of women grieve for you and hope that you find peace and healing in the future.
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