I decided to start this thread because it seemed like there was a common hush about exactly what happens during a m/c and what you see. Specifically I am talking about looking at the baby, describing what he/she looked like and how it made you feel. I'm not sure if it's because it's too painful to describe what happened, or if we think it might be too painful for others to read, or if maybe we might think it's too graphic....
But I learned tonight that it can be very therapeautic.
So a disclaimer here--if you think this may stir up emotions that you aren't ready to feel, or if this may be too heavy for you, please stop here.
For me it was a little different. I just experienced a blighted ovum and learned about it around week 10. The u/s showed a 6 week placenta/sac.
I still felt a loss, but mostly I have been a little frustrated and very disappointed. I'm not the world's most patient person and having to start over again for me just seems to suck.
I'm not a good first trimester person. Constantly pouring over the internet and books waiting to see when my baby will look like a baby, when each ear pops through, when the paddles turn into arms.... I just can't wait for each step. Plus being a chronic HPT'er who has access to doing them via serum rather than urine, I find out earlier than the average person. I'm crazy, by the way ;o)
Almost exactly a week from when I went to the ER with spotting, I m/c on my own. It took about an hour and began with period like cramping. Prior to it, I was experiencing period type bleeding but not many clots (very tiny ones if any), and no cramping at all.
So when I started cramping I knew that was probably it.
It was just like labor because I remember not wanting to move AT ALL which is how I felt with both of my labors. So I just waited and breathed... It felt like early to mid labor. I felt a few gushes from time to time but after one of them I immediately felt COMPLETELY different and it was over. I kind of thought it was a break because I didn't feel anything come out, yet I felt so different, just very alert. Strange.
So I went to the bathroom and as soon as I sat down, PLOP! It really shocked me. I fished it out and it was the placenta. It was kind of the size and shape of half of a large banana. I didn't see a sac which is what I really wanted to take a look at. I thought maybe it had broken and was part of what I thought was a membrane on the placenta.
I left if alone for a while but then went back to it because I just had to take a look at this wonderful thing that my body had made even though it didn't house a baby. I still felt like it was a special and marvelous thing.
It kind of looked like a tumor!!!
I nosed around in it for a while and then saw on the surface a tiny clear spot and scraped away what was on top of it and found the sac! I was just amazed at how tough it was. I guess it would make sense for it to be tough, but you just never realize! It was the size of a grape which kind of confused me, I thought it would be bigger. I had to pop it to look inside in case there was something there that the u/s didn't see. Also just because of curiosity. For some funny reason I was thinking "We have clear fluid!" LIke there'd be meconium (too much baby story lol).
After that I put it in a baggie and put it into the freezer. I'm not sure what to do with it since we don't own the home we live in right now and don't want to bury it some place where I won't be staying. I just feel as if I should respect it and keep it and do something cool with it. I made it! I'm proud of it anyway. It's what made my boobs sore for 2 months. It's an amazing thing.
I'm amazed at my body for doing it on its own. This is the first birth I've had where my body decided when to birth and not a doctor. This could have happened too--an ob could have asked me to have a d&c just like they asked me to be induced. TWICE.
But I did it naturally and easily at home. A nice preparation for my upcoming homebirth which will hopefully happen within a year's time.
I realize I was very lucky; I've read of many women who have problems afterwards with excessive bleeding and what have you. But it's important for everyone to share the experience that THEY had so we can understand how everyone is different and also have an idea of the different scenarios.
I also realize how lucky I am in another respect; that because I've had two normal, healthy full term pregnancies, I am confident that I can produce another one. That's not to say I'm not scared to death that something can go awry; I can't stop thinking about it sometimes. But at least I can be at peace knowing that my body can do it.
Some of you mommas have some very difficult stories to tell and don't have the luxury of *knowing*. My heart goes out to you and I know that your strength can come from a place just as important.
Wow, this is going to be a pretty hard thread for a lot of people. I'll post mine but it was a long time ago so time has softened the memory some.
I went to my appointment and went through w/ the PAP and all that uncomfortable stuff. The nurse tried to find a heart beat, but was unable to and since I didn't know my exact date she figured that I was further behind than initially believed. The next evening I started spotting blood. I called the advice line Monday morning and they had me come in for an appointment. DH (then DF) came with me and after a short exam I was sent to the hospital for an u/s. When I got the u/s done the baby was already spiraling apart. I couldn't really recognize any features or anything and the baby had been dead for a while, but I don't remember all of the details. I was sent home and told that it would pass on it's own.
Skip to Wednesday evening. I'm just getting ready for bed and I feel a gush. I run to the bathroom and blood just begins to pour out of me. There are thick clots and blood filling the toilet. I was supposed to save everything and bring it to the doctor w/ me after everything was done, but I just couldn't bring myself to fish anything out. I was too scared to look for the baby so my MIL looked for me, but didn't find anything. I put a new pad on and went back to bed. I was lying there about two minutes and realized that I was lying in a puddle of blood. DH went to get his mother (we were staying with her for the time) and she rushed me to the ER. When I got into the ER I stumbled in with blood running down my legs and onto the floor. They rushed me in and took my vitals. That's when I started puking. I was handed a plastic bag with a hard plastic rim and measurement marks on it so they can tell how much I've thrown up. I filled one up almost immediately and was working on my second one when I was put into an exam room. I ran into the bathroom and was alternately throwing up and having explosive diarrhea while bleeding all over the place. I was hooked up to an IV and they pumped me full of demerol and all kinds of other stuff. Don't know. Once that demerol hit me, everything was okay. I just turned my head to the wall and cried while my MIL stroked my hair. I was admitted around 3 am and don't remember getting to my room. I went through a D&C sometime during the next day. All I remember was being crucified and someone telling me to close my eyes and it would all be okay. I was released the same day around 4 pm. I was totally drained, white as a sheet, and felt so empty. I was kept in OBGYN/L&D during my stay and I remember hearing babies crying and thinking they were my baby. It was hard. The thing I remember most about my m/c was the pain and humiliation. I was throwing up/crapping myself/bleeding everywhere while doubled over in pain. That was the most pain I've ever experienced in my whole entire life. I felt as if a hand was grabbing my uterus and ripping it into pieces while pulling it out of my body. I'll never forget the pain...and the sorrow. I'm so happy to be PG now, but at the same time my pregnancy is tinged w/ a hint of sorrow and hesitancy. I'm a little more reassured now because this one is sooo different from my first, but I still find myself thinking "if this pregnancy is successful" from time to time.
I had some light spotting on a Thursday. Then on Friday I had horrible cramps. I took 4 motrin and it didn't even touch it. It felt so strong. Still very little bleeding. I had an u/s that afternoon which only showed a thickened endometrium.They drew a progesterone and hCG levels just more to confirm what we suspected. I had some bleeding on that Saturday and got the call from the doctor saying that the levels were too low. Then on Sunday the floodgates opened. Very heavy and I passed several large clots as well as tissue, but no pain like I felt on Friday. I was never dizzy nor did I pass out. I had lighter bleeding the rest of the week and it finally resolved on that Thursday. Though the following Sunday I spotted again, but nothing else. My doctor wasn't able to do the u/s for me, but I did meet up with him later that week just to talk things over. I also had a follow up appointment a week after that again just to talk (no exam). It was just a time to cry on his shoulders, vent a little, and be given permission to move on (when I was ready.) I had the OK to start ttc as soon as DH and I were ready. I got my cycle back right away (so unfortunately did not conceive on that first go around.)
I took some time off from work the week after the m/c. Sent the kids to daycare and DH and I went on long walks (and also out to a movie.)
I just wanted to say thank you all for posting these stories. I've never had a miscarriage, but I've never read or heard about what can happen when one does have one. It's enlightening and educational to say the least. When I do get pregnant again, I will be somewhat nervous as I was the last time about the prospect of losing the baby. It is helpful to know what that might look like. So thank you. And I'm so sorry for your losses.
Thank you all for sharing your stories. I wish I'd had this thread to read a couple of weeks ago.
On Wed. 8/18 I began spotting, just a little and it was brown, but I *knew* it was not a good thing. My midwife encouraged me to rest, and not to panic, that spotting was not unusual, etc. Thursday morning it hadn't stopped so I went to the OB for an ultrasound. The OB kept trying to be positive, telling me that brown spotting was better than red, that it was a good sign that my cervix was closed, that, due to my age, I may just need some progesterone--but I *knew*.
We immediately saw the baby on the ultrasound and I waited and waited for her to comment on it. She took some measurements, then went on to identify other parts. I couldn't wait any longer so I just said, "There's no heartbeat." and she replied, "No." The baby was also measuring 2 weeks smaller than she should have. (I say "she" not because we knew, but because of a feeling I had, and a dream.)
The OB really, really pushed me to have a D&C but my midwife was supportive of my choice not to. Myfeeling was that my body was already doing what it was supposed to do--it had recognized that there was a problem with the pregnancy and it was preparing to abort it. I had no reason to believe that it wouldn't continue the process. Besides, I wanted to avoid the risks of surgery/anesthesia. On an emotional note, a D&C seemed violent to me and I felt that I needed to go through the process rather than just wake up in recovery and be empty.
Anyway, the spotting continued from Wed. through Sat. On Sat. I had labor-like pains that I needed to focus on and breathe through. I spent a lot of time in the tub, which helped. In the evening, I began passing large clots and gushes of blood. My midwife has cautioned me that using more than one pad in 20 min would be cause for concern. From around 7pm--9pm I bleed a lot and we decided to go to the ER. In the 10 min. trip to the hospital, I soaked not only a pad, but my clothing, and 2 cloth diapers--blood was running down my legs as we got to the ER and I was very, very scared.
I was still passing a lot of tissue and the nurse kept looking for the baby. I stabilized on my own, fortunately, and the bleeding slowed without intervention. All they ended up doing was giving me iv fluids and monitoring me. They were surprisingly supportive of my wishes to avoid a D&C if at all possible. I went home around midnight and by 2 a.m. the gushes had stopped completely.
Sunday, Monday, Tuesday it looked just like a period. I was tired and pale but felt that it was over. On Wednesday I woke up feeling profoundly and overwhelmingly sad, as if I was falling into some dark hole. At noon, with no warning, I felt something pass. It was the sack, about 3" x 2". I was shocked, because the OB had said the baby was so small I might not notice it, and because the ER doc felt that, while they hadn't seen the baby, surely I must have passed it. It was exactly one week from my first spotting.
I immediately felt a difference in my mood. I can't say that I was happy, but the dark pressure I'd felt earlier had lifted. I opened the sack, because I needed to see and because I was just so amazed. The walls were very thick--like Karen said, that surprised me--there was fluid inside and then the baby, about 3/4 of an inch long. Pure white. I could see the head but not make out any facial features. I saw arms and legs and body. We buried her in the garden and placed a plant in that spot which will flower during the time that I carried her.
Although it was hard, and overwhelmingly sad, the process gave me time to mourn and a way to say goodbye.
No one irl seems to want to hear how this all happened, but I really needed to tell the story and to hear others' stories, to know that my feelings are shared and that others understand. I understand that not everyone will be able to read this thread, but thank you so much for starting it, Karen. I think it will help a lot of women.
I can't tell you what it "looks" like but I can tell you what it feels like.
I woke up Monday (my birthday) with severe pain - felt like the final stage of labor and I was bleeding all over the place. After 5 or 10 minutes the pains stopped and so did the bleeding. I didn't bleed again all day.
I woke up Tuesday with the severe pains again and bleeding. I felt as though I was hemmoraging. I sat on toilet and it felt as though the blood was pouring out of me. I got sweaty, light headed and dizzy. I lay on floor in fetal position on floor while I have dh call for an ambulance. My 18 month old cries and tries to nurse off me - I let her.
Pain lasts for several hours till ER staff can give me IV with pain meds.
I asked my midwife when it was all over why I couldn't miscarry without pain (afterall, I birthed my first child with no pain meds after 52 hours of labor). She explained how I went from no labor into final stage of labor with no "gradual build up" in between to mentally prepare me.
It was, by far, the worst thing that ever happened to me.
I was 13 weeks pg when I started having SEVERE headaches.Went to OB after tylenol no help.At 12 weeks we both heard baby hb fine.Headaches continued for 3 weeks.At 13,14 wk heard no hb.At 16 week exem dr still heard no hb.He had me go to the other room for us "just to put your(my)mind at ease".On external us tech said things too small so do pelvic us.After a couple mins tech said "i have to tell you that I don't see a heartbeat and the baby is measuring small." After dr confirmed baby had died I had to choose how to get things over with. I chose to go to hospital and be 'induced'.I did not want a D&C except as a very last resort.I got to the hospital at 2pm on August 11th 2004.At 5:15pm I took my first dose of cytotec,after about 2 1/2 hours cramping began. I finally asked for pain med about 1am with 3rd dose of cytotec.I delivered my baby at 1:38am Aug 12th. During 'labor' I asked nurse thousands of ?s.
I was afraid of what my baby would look like since dr said he was gone about 2-3 weeks.After I had baby I asked dr if she could tell what sex baby was.I looked at nurse then she gave me the OK to look.The dr moved the twig size leg over and asked "Do you see that?" What I saw was that I had just delivered my 3rd son..Christopher.He was absolutely perfect,tiny yes but perfect.He was 5 1/8 in long and 2 oz. He had everything...eyes tiny ears fingers that still looked chose together,fully formed legs,nose with nostrils,everything but hair...he was perfect.
I still miss him every day.I should be feeling him move inside of me everyday now so it is very hard.I will love him forever.
Thanks for sharing your stories, everyone. I am so sorry for all your losses.
Last January, I had an early miscarriage, at about 6.5 weeks. However, I think things were wrong from the very beginning. I had been having a tiny bit of brown spotting from about the time of ovulation until I got a positive pregnancy test (at about 4 weeks). When I got the positive, I called my OB to make a first appointment. I mentioned that I'd had a little spotting, and the nurse had me come in for beta blood testing. I went in that day for the first round, and two days later for the 2nd. The numbers weren't doubling like they should have been, so I had a good idea at that point that things were not going to work out. I re-took the test two days after that, and the numbers really didn't go up at all, so I knew this pregnancy was not viable.
So then I just waited for the m/c to happen. It took about two weeks of waiting, and since the baby had died so early, I really didn't experience much more than a normal period. It did announce itself a little more strongly than a normal period would with fairly strong cramps out of nowhere (nothing like labor pains, though). I bled for about a week, a little more heavily than a normal period, and I didn't pass any clots that I noticed.
I don't know if this is what you're looking for, but I miscarried an underdeveloped twin at 11 weeks, during this pregnancy.
It seemed to start when I passed i rather large blob of mucus in the morning. It was a little weird, kinda fiberous, with some "stuff" in it, but I didn't see any blood, so I really didn't think anything of it at the time. I didn't inspect or prod it very much.
Started spotting in the afternoon, with light cramping.
I went to bed and woke up to blood (can't remember if I had any clots) and more cramping. The midwife said that I was likely having a miscarriage, and I could either go to the hospital, or I could just hang out at home. -I went to work, but quickly realized that was a mistake, and went immediately to the hospital.
An ultrasound revealed that we still had one live baby and a second, now empty sac. The bleeding and spotting continued for a week or two and then stopped completely. The ER doc told me that the second twin had miscarried earlier, and that my body would likely absorb the second sac. Later, a nurse came in and told me that there "possiblly never was a baby in the second sac at all, so [I] shouldn't feel so bad."
So, I guess that I will never really know if there was ever another baby, or what happened. And, sometimes that makes it hard to sort out my feelings.
I don't know if you can understand this, but it becomes hard to validate your feelings when you don't know what the real situation was. I feel stupid and melodramatic at times, just for feeling sad, and wondering about a baby that might not have even been there. And sometimes, I just feel like I should shut the heck up and count my blessings, as I could very easily have lost both, and have no baby at all.
Birth loss is complicated business. I just wish that more of our medical professionals could help us figure out how to best deal with it.
For me, seeing the sack and baby was important to my mourning. I *do* understand your need to know, and I'm sorry for your loss and for the questions that you're dealing with.
I think that sharing our experiences is about more than just educating each other about the different ways this can happen--it's about being able to express our feelings about it without anyone saying, "At least you have other kids" or "You can always try again" or any other comments that make us feel unentitled to our feelings about this experience.
Okay, stepping down from the soapbox now.
I was 14 weeks along when I had mine. It was different for me, though. This might sound crazy and please don't judge harshly but I wasn't completely convinced I was pg. I had a 4 month old son (my first) and had a lot of complications after birth so my dr. was convinced the symptoms I was having were due to that, not pregnancy.
It started about 7:00 am, right as my dh was leaving for work, I started cramping. I remember thinking, oh, now I'm finally going to get my period. It got stronger and stronger. About 9 am, I was *very* uncomfortable and starting to worry. My son was crying so I got ready to feed him when I felt the first gush. When I went to check, I saw nothing and decided I must have had some incontinence (I had been having probs with that since he was born). So, I grabbed my son again and sat down on the couch. I felt another awful cramp and another gush. This time, it was blood. I was sitting in the bathroom when the baby came. It was pretty awful. The placenta would not come unattached and with the cord being so short, it snapped as I was trying to get to the phone. I had to call the ambulance because I was bleeding so badly and couldn't take care of my son.
In the hospital, I had to get a D&C and they also gave me a couple of pints of blood since I had bled so badly. The hospital was very good and allowed my dh to see the baby.
The big thing I was not expecting was that my milk came in. That was very painful.
The biggest emotional pain came from the fact that I kept ignoring my instincts and body signs and if I had paid attention and insist to my dr that yes, I was pg, I maybe could have stopped it. It's very difficult and has taken a long time to get over.
For me, everything happened in about two days. On Saturday evening two weeks ago, I started spotting. And right then, I knew it wasn't good. I told my mom about it and she called the nurse help line, and they told me that everything was fine and that it's normal. For some reason, I just felt like this wasn't a good sign and it wasn't going to be normal. So, I went to bed trying to think good thoughts. Nothing had changed by Sunday morning (I was still spotting a little), so my DH and I went to his grandparents for a birthday party in the late afternoon. My DH was sweet and made sure I didn't need to get up a lot and had me take it easy while we were there. But when we got home later that evening, I went to the bathroom and noticed that the bleeding had gotten significantly worse. In a panic, I told my DH that we had to go to the ER because I knew this wasn't good. Well, we got there and they didn't tell us much. Since I was only 10 1/2 weeks along, they couldn't hear the heartbeat on those machines (and they didn't have a tech on duty to perform an U/S). They said that everything should be fine, but just in case they ran a few tests. Those tests all came back fine (including the pregnancy test they took, which said positive). Well, that took about 2 hours, and after we had gotten home and had been there for about an hour, I went to the bathroom because I started getting cramps. And just like Karen, as soon as I sat on the toilet, my baby came out - no warning or anything. I was totally shocked and didn't know what to do. After getting over the first initial shock and realizing what had just happened, I bawled my eyes out. That was not what I was expecting at all. I was too scared to pick it up, more or less for fear of realizing what it actually was and I just didn't want to admit it. My DH and I went to the OB the next morning, and they did an U/S which confirmed what I already knew. Everything was empty and they said that I had had a complete miscarriage. Sadly, this was my first pregnancy and my first U/S. I never even got to see it inside of me. I wasn't supposed to have one done until I was 12 weeks. But I didn't expect to be completely empty when they did the U/S. I was hoping to at least see something there. But what I don't get is that the whole process took a whole entire 30 hours. Everywhere I read, it takes a week or two. And what confuses me even more is the positive test the nurse in the ER took. Does that mean that my baby was alive at that time, and somewhere between the 2 hours they took the test and my miscarriage, that it died? Because I've heard of people going through miscarriages and they take a pregnancy test and it comes up negative. Thank you for listening and also for starting this thread. This has got to be the best one I've come across because I've never read anything like this. I just wish I would've found it a couple weeks ago.
First, a huge hug to all of you here...I almost didn't post here because my miscarriage seems so paltry compared to your stories . I miscarried 17 days ago at no more than 4 weeks by my count. I had 2 positive tests and woke up one night with bad cramping and 10 days of bleeding. This sounds so wrong, but I am glad that, if I HAD to miscarry, that dh & I didn't have time to get too excited about the baby. I did buy a baby gown though, which is so hurtful right now...sorry, I'm rambling. Love to all of you.
Big hugs to all of you guys. Like Alli, I feel like what I went through was peanuts compared to other stories.
Seems like some situations aren't so bad, and others are the direct opposite.
The test they did in the ER was probably a quantitative HCG. HCG is the hormone that the placenta makes to help continue the pregnancy. After you miscarry, and even after a full term birth, the HCG stays in your system for a very long time, up to a month or sometimes even more. So, even if you were miscarrying, your pregnancy test would come up positive.
For example, when I went to the ER my test was 19000, two days later it was 17000 (this was about 4 days before I m/c). A week after the placenta and sac passed (this past Monday) it was still 450.
A home pregnancy test usually detects 25 or more.
Hopefully that makes a little bit of sense to you.
From the time I began spotting to the actual m/c, it was about a week. It doesn't surprise me that yours went so quickly. Sometimes we have no warning at all and your body just does what it needs to do.
I'm surprised that the ER didn't do more for you. It's very odd that they didn't have anyone to do an u/s!!! Did they at least tell you to follow up with another blood test just to make sure? I guess it doesn't matter now, but all I'm saying is that they weren't very on the ball from what it sounds like. Sounds like they were like "Oh well", know what I mean???
Spotting IS very common and in a lot of cases doesn't mean a darn thing. However, if a mom feels in her gut that something is wrong, they should listen.
Take care of yourself
Joan, thank you! Sometimes, we, as women don't give ourselves permission to feel what we need to feel. It's easier to be supportive of others than to allow ourselves those things we need to feel better again. I really appreciated what you've posted, and I needed to hear it. Thanks, again.
I just want to say thank you for starting this thread. It came at a perfect time for me. My story is one of the less in comparison ones as well. I ended up miscarrying yesterday. I was 8w3d.
I started spotting on Thursday evening--brownish watery blood, but not much, for 24 hours. On Friday evening, it turned red, but was still pretty light. Sometime on Sat, there started being little drips of red blood when I went to the bathroom, but still not much on the pad. I had mild cramping off and on this whole time. Same kind of stuff on Sun, maybe a bit larger drops. Then yesterday, bleeding actually seemed to get a bit lighter. I started getting heavier cramping and LBP mid morning. Just before I passed the sac, the cramping was similar to light labor pains, which came and went. I felt the need to push, and out came the sac into the toilet. I don't think there was anything in it, it just felt like part of it was a little more thick than the rest.
Like Joan said, I felt almost immediately better--sad, but different. So differently physically as well. Now this morning the bleeding is very light, with virtually no cramping (just a twinge every once in awhile)
Thank you for being here to share with everyone. It helps....
2 2 to all of you as we get through.
I just wanted to thank you all for this thread. I knew I was starting to miscarry yesterday and I stumbled on this thread. It really helped me to mentally prepare for today. I lost a baby in 2002, but it was a missed miscarriage, so the baby died and my body never expelled it. I had to have a D & C, so I have never experienced what I am now. Thank you all for being so kind and brave in sharing your stories.
Thanks you everyone for sharing.
Would y'all like me to sticky this thread so it wll be availible to others facing the same thing?
I'm pretty new here and haven't posted to this section before, but I have been looking around for a couple days. This is the first time I have written this out so I hope I can get it all written out. I should be due some time in mid March, but I knew that something was not right from the same time I first knew I was pg. I was just starting to get excited and thinking about the baby when I was about 7 weeks along. July 31st dh and I sat down on the couch to watch LOTR Return of the King and he fell asleep less then half way in. Not long after he fell asleep I started cramping pretty bad. I knew what was happening so I just tried to relax through the cramping as best I could and just let things happening. I spotted a little that evening, but the next day around noon was when I really started bleeding. I never passed any 1 large clot that could be identified as anything, but I did have a very bad day Monday. DH stayed home from work with me and I either laid in bed trying to get some rest or was in the bathroom. I bled heavy for several days, but it started tappering off within a week and by 10 days it was pretty well done. I never went to an ob or mw, but I did call my ob. My ob is pretty great about letting your body do its thing and just told me to watch for super heavy bleeding or fever. I did have an odd next cycle it was only 3 weeks and I think I only then totally finished the m/c.
This is a wonderful thread- I wish something like this had been available when I went through this in 2002.
I was 7 wk 1 day pg according to LMP and I had a very tiny amount of brown spotting and some cramping, so I called my midwife in tears and she got me an appointment at the local ER to do an ultrasound and HCG test. She told me that most likely nothing would be wrong and that this was just to ease my mind. During that US, we heard the heartbeat and saw the baby on the screen and we were so releived to see "him" that we even brought our oldest daughter (8 at the time) to see everything and hear the heartbeat. The tech said everything looked fine. Her instructions were to have me wait in the waiting room while the radiologist looked at the US results. About 20 minutes later I was called back into the office and the tech handed me the phone and told my that my midwife wanted to speak with me. When I picked up the phone, Aimee, my midwife, told me that my HCG was really low for 7 weeks, the heartbeat was too slow, and that the sac was measuring only 5 weeks. She told me that I would miscarry.
I of course, lost it completely. The whole hospital must've known I was there, cause I was hysterical! A half hour earlier I had been smiling with joy at the site of my little baby and the sound of his heartbeat. But now I knew this little one was about to die. It broke my heart.
I went to work every day after that and had more hcg tests, none of them looking promising. I frantically searched online for information about women whose babies had survived under those conditions, but I found few. I insisted that my midwives prescribe progesterone in the hopes that it would help.
Mother's Day was the following Sunday and somehow I managed to get up the courage to go out to dinner with my family. At the restaurant, I saw so many babies and pregnant women, I just wanted to die, it was so sad.
The following morning, I woke up and went to work and something hit me- I needed an ultrasound immediately. I knew something had happened, so I cancelled my appointments for the day and called my midwife who was very understanding and made me another appointment at a Women's Health Clinic for an ultrasound. I remember waiting in the waiting room hearing Ella Fitzgerald singing "At Last" over the radio. I loved that song and I thought, "This is one of my favorite songs, maybe it's sign that everything will be okay" Then I went in to have the US and the tech broke the news to me that my baby had died. I was told to go straight to the midwives office and when I got in my car I didn't even know how to get there anymore. I drove down the wrong way of a one way street, got lost and finally an hour later made it to the midwives office and cried my eyes out some more.
Two days later I was resting on the couch when I felt a pain, and I went into the bathroom and sat on the toilet and blood just gushed out. I kept cramping and bleeding, so much that I couldn't even get off the toilet. I was home alone so I called my husband at work and got his voicemail and left a message for him to call me back immediately. Then I heard a huge plop in the toilet and when I looked down everything was red except for this little sac and when I picked it up I saw my little baby. He looked exactly like a 6 week old fetus looked in my books, except for only one arm bud had started to develop. He was still in the sac and I could see eyes, a heart, beginnings of a spine, a little tail that was beginning to dissapear. At that moment I freaked out and called the midwives. It was their lunch hour so I got the answering service and was called back immediately and I could hear her crying on the other end of the phone as she listened to me sob and tell her how I was holding my tiny littly baby in my hand and sitting on the toilet bleeding. I was still home alone so I called my friend Lisa, then my mom, while I waited for my husband to come home. We rushed to the midwives office because by the late afternoon, I was so exhausted from the ordeal that I could barely get up and Mike thought I was bleeding too much.
I just cried and cried off and on for 2 weeks. I thought I was going crazy for not getting over it quickly- everyone said such stupid things to me.
I had one cycle then got pregnant immediately and now Madelyn is 18 months old. I still cry about that lost little boy of mine- I just know it was a boy, I could feel it. It was so sad. We buried him in the back yard, but we have since moved from that house and I think about it once in awhile.
I know this is long, but it was very therapeutic to write. It's still very fresh in my mind and I imagine it always will be. Thanks for giving me a place to share my experience. I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out now, I can't believe how much it still affects me, over two years later.
Thanks, this was very interesting to read. I had a m/c when I was 11 weeks past my LMP. I started spotting the day I turned 11 weeks and went to the ER to see if there was something that could be done. It was such a tiny amount of blood that the doctors had me convinced it was probably just normal bleeding. Then I had an u/s and there was no baby, so the pregnancy had stopped developing somewhere along the way. I stopped feeling symptoms around 9 weeks, but a someone told me with a blighted ovum you still have symptoms for awhile even though you aren't really pregnant.
I started bleeding heavily the next day. For a day it was just like a light period, then the dam burst and all of a sudden a gush and it was pouring out of me, but I had no pain. I kept moving from the toilet to the tub and pulling out the clots so I could check for something babylike. I even took a photo of a kind of fetal shaped clot, but there was nothing that looked like a baby in it. I keep thinking that somehow I missed seeing the baby, but then I think maybe there was no baby. It is kind of confusing for me.
I hadn't been to a doctor until the spotting started--I was going to wait until 12 weeks because I was trying to use a midwife and get that worked out. So I never heard a heartbeat and I don't know if there was one or not. It sounds like if there had been a baby, I should have seen it. But at one point when I was in the hospital for the second night in a row, and the doctor was scraping the last stuff out, the nurse made a noise and then took something quickly away. I wanted to see it, but she said it was nothing. So, of course, I've always wondered if it was something that looked like a baby or part of a baby.
My mom called the ambulance for me, which was really over the top as far as I was concerned, but I did almost pass out at one point when they tried to take my blood pressure. The OB wanted to do a D&C but I had eaten dinner in the midst of the miscarriage. I was really hungry, so I crawled out with about 10 pads on and ate something. The whole experience was kind of surreal. We had some gallows humor going on, and my mom and sisters were sharing their miscarriage experiences, and my sister reached in the blood filled toilet to get my clot. I was hoping to examine that clot a little more, but then my friend cleaned up the bathroom for me when I went to the hospital. I really appreciate his hardwork, I was just a little sad at still not knowing.
Nothing I had seemed sac like--it all just seemed like pieces of liver and huge clots that got stuck and I had to pull out. Does this indicate something more than another thing?
I was 8(9?) weeks pregnant when I went for an ultrasound. Not that this had anything to do with my miscarriage, but the ultrasound tech was *very* rude. But anyway, she didn't tell me anything, just made me wait in that cold room for about an hour after the ultrasound. She came back in and said I had to talk to my doctor on the phone. She told me that I was going to miscarry, but didn't tell me why and I was too shocked to ask. I was just stunned silent. I felt very alone that they would tell me something so horrible over the phone, but maybe it was better that way than having the rude u/s tech. tell me.
Anyway, I spent about two weeks walking around knowing I was carrying a dead baby. What made it even worse was that my best friend (ex-best friend now, but not because of this) found out she was pregnant when I found out I was losing my baby. I had to spend time with her knowing she had a live baby and I had a dead one inside me. This is horrible of me to say, but during that time I wished she would lose hers too. (Unfortunately, she did about a month later. I know it wasn't my fault that she lost hers because of how I felt, but it felt like it was at the time.)
Anyway, one night I was checking my email and got up to get a drink. I felt a heavy gush and I thought I had wet myself. I checked my pants and my hand was bloody. It was almost like a signal for all the bad stuff to happen, because I almost immediately felt crampy. I went upstairs and told my mom it was finally happening and I laid on the couch for a while in pain. I decided to go upstairs and take a bath because that always made me feel better when I had AF. I stood up from the couch and felt a gush again. When I went upstairs to undress there was a small clear sac the size of my fist in my underwear that was kinda solid looking in the center. I freaked out and let it fall in the toilet and I immediately flushed it. I was screaming and basically just being hysterical. I spent the entire bath crying. I had to take a shower, too, because the water turned red and it was getting kinda gross.
This happened in October of last year, and I found out in January that I was pregnant again. We had our DS on 8/04/04. I wonder what the first baby would have been like if I had carried to term, but if I had we wouldn't have Trent and that cheers me up.
Karennnnn, thank you for posting this thread. last year i also had a blighted ovum, something i'd never even heard of before. a lot of people say a blighted ovum isn't a "real" miscarriage so i've never really talked about it, my first post was too cold, i know i need to write while connecting with my emotions.
my hcg levels were 38,000, i knew when we conceived so we knew i was 12 weeks along. celebration time!!! i was scheduled for an u/s. my husband and i watched as a perfect white circle showed on the u/s screen, then the tech explained there was no baby, just a placenta and sac. i felt numb. the image of that perfect, empty sac haunted me in nightmares, especially before this baby's first ultrasound. the dr. explained that it was rare for a blighted ovum to go on this long, and that i'd start miscarrying fairly soon, and urged me to schedule a D&C for the next day. i refused.
i researched blighted ovum and thought about it for a few days, i was still amazed that i had gotten pregnant in the first place, after 10 years of infertility! a friend even said when i told her i was miscarrying, "you got pregnant?!" which validated how wonderful i felt that my body was working. i decided i'd let my body do this on its own, so that my uterus would be healthy for the next baby
from the u/s to the day the miscarriage ended took 4 months. (during that time we got married, we'd moved the wedding up because of the baby, only very close family knew i was miscarrying at the wedding.) 2 weeks after the u/s, i started spotting lightly, then more heavily, with cramps on and off, and my hcg levels steadily went down each week. i monitored my temperature daily, had instructions on when to call or go in, and just rested and took care of myself. i saw a lot of rusty-brown blood, some bright red blood, and rubbery clots with mucous-colored stringy bits, but not all at once. i kept thinking it was over whenever i bled more and saw more clots, but it stopped and started several times. i kept getting offered a D&C but kept refusing, since i wasn't running a fever and the pain wasn't constant and i could handle it. it felt like i was being tossed around on long, slow waves, emotionally and physically.
i didn't see the end result, i was out of it in the ER, didn't think to ask to see and later i wished i had. the last bit of placenta/sac was stuck at my cervix and i was in excruiciating pain with a sudden high fever, i needed help ... the ER OB was very kind, understood i was having a natural miscarriage ... she talked me and my husband through a manual extraction. i cried so hard because i was no longer pregnant, marveled at the mystery that is the human body, and realized how "lucky" i was that there was no baby, because i can't imagine how devastating it would have been. but i still can't express all the emotions i felt/feel.
it took me until i was about 36 weeks along in this pregnancy to realize that i don't need to fear a natural birth, because i went through a long, natural miscarriage and i was just fine. my "shadow baby" has been a comfort to me in this way.
Mine started on a Sunday. I was getting in the car with my SIL to go shopping. I felt a rush of blood and told her to drive around the block--our toddlers were in the back seat. I ran in the house and watched blood pour into the toilet. I put on a pad and went outside to get in the car. I didn't have any pain or cramping and refused to admit anything could be wrong. People bleed for lots of reasons, right? She said she thought we should stay home just in case. We glanced at each other as we were getting the kids out of the car and we both had tears in our eyes. Within hours I started having horrible cramps and called my OB. He was golfing and said since nothing could be done I should just take some motrin and call back on Monday if I was still bleeding. DH was at the footbal conference championship game and I didn't want to ask him to come home. Finally I had bled through so many pads that I went downstairs and told my FIL I was having a miscarriage and needed him to go pick up DH from the game. We both started to cry. I had horrible cramps and bleeding for about 24 hours. At times I just sat on the toilet and let it pour out of me. Then I felt something large pass and heard a huge splash into the toilet. I forced myself to fish out a huge frisbee shaped placenta. I saw the sac but couldn't open it. I put it back in the toilet and flushed it.
My husband couldn't really talk about it. My SIL held me while we both cried. I wish I had done some sort of memorial. At the time I thought I was just suppossed to forget.
We started TTC right away, but didn't conceive again until the first cycle after that baby's EDD. We were trying the whole time, but I never felt closure until the EDD had passed. Somewhere inside me I think I needed to ride out the phantom pregnancy to last possible moment.
Thank you for this thread. It feels right to finally be able to share the details.
I have had several, and at this point it's hard to remember what/how each went.
In general, if it starts around or before 5 weeks for me it's less severe than if it's further. Those I only bleed a few days longer and a little heavier than a period and rarely *see* anything.
The ones which were later felt like LABOR when they started. I bled/spotted off and on both before they started and after for a while. I had to sit on the toilet and just breathe through them like with labor. I saw little placentas and sacs (no fetus, as both my later losses were delayed losses as well and they'd reabsorbed or broken down).
For *me* the later ones were much harder to deal with (and were 1 year apart nearly to the day, so pretty cruel that way too).
My advice if you find something is to not just throw/flush it. I regret that SO much after my last loss (twins, at around 10 weeks, the placentas were smaller than 10 week size though, so they'd stopped growing). I was camping and didn't know how to keep them discretely so I threw them away. I really regret that now.
I wish this thread would have been here when I m/c. It was December of 2001, I was 12 weeks pregnant, and thought I was past the scary part. This was my third baby, so I wasn't actually worried anyway, and no one in my family had ever m/c. I started spotting, just a tiny bit, but called my mw(I was planning my first homebirth). She said wait out hte weekend, rest, keep my feet up, it's probably fine...spotting happens. I stopped spotting, but went in on Monday to listen for the heartbeat just to make sure everything was ok. She couldn't find one...I still wasn't too worried becasue I am overweight and it is harder to hear it anyway. She gave me the option of an u/s or waiting...and I chose the u/s. So we went in that day and had it done. The baby was dead, had stopped growing around 7.5 weeks. It was awful laying on the table, having the tech do a complete u/s when I knew already the baby was gone...she insited on measure my kidneys and stuff...I should have told her to stop, but I just laid there, tears streaming down my face trying to hold the sobs in.
I decided I wanted to m/c at home...I was afterall planning to have the baby at home, it just seemed like the right thing to do. My mw was totally unsupportive, basically said these things happen, and never even called to check on me in the three weeks it took to m/c completely. She was awful!
I was going to school at night, so continued to go to classes while I waited. I even took the kids to playgroup twice before I actually m/c...I think it made people uncomfortable, but I couldn't just sit at home waiting...nothing was happening. Finally one night in class I started getting horrible cramps, I tried to sit through the class and I figured I would just go home afterwards, but the pain was so bad I couldn't sit there...I drove home(I don't even remember getting home the pain was so bad), and it just got worse...I did not expect to feel this much pain, it was worse than my labours(I had epidurals though after 6 cm), and I was crying, and groaning, and spent most of the time int he tub. My poor hubby didn't know what to do for me. I was also having loose stools(constantly), so everytime I would sit on the toliet to poo, blood and pieces of my placenta were coming out, big clots...my husband was amazing he actually doned rubber gloves and searched through everything for me becasue I couldn't, and I couldn't flush knowing our baby might be in there. I couldn't stop crying. Then probably 3 or so in the morning it all stopped, I was still bleeding and having clots, but the bm and cramping stopped. I thought it was all over.
The same thing happened the next night. I thought I was going to die...I couldn't believe I had to go through it again, and I thought of ging to the hospital for a d&c, but didn't. It happened just like the night before, and stopped about 3 am again. I called a clinic here(the same one I had my first ds at), and they saw me right away. I was worried things weren't moving along the way they should be, and I didn't think I could handle another night of the pain. The woman(she is a mw)examined me and actually pulled a piece of tissue out(excruciating...and didn't even ask me if it was ok), and she wouldn't let me take it home. I was just crying, and she was awful too...no compassion at all, or maybe I just needed too much. I don't know. Anyway, she said it looked like the m/c wasn't complete and since it had been 3 weeks, she refered me to an ob. I had another u/s done, and had my hormone levels checked through all of this. The same day the mw took out the "tissue" I went to the bathroom that night and felt a pop, feeling and plop in the toliet. I think I knew it was the baby, but I didn't even have my hubby come in to search through the stuff again, and I think after days of doing this, I was just not thinking straight. I didn't even look in the toliet I just flushed. I regret that still...after almost 2 years, that I just flushed it. I felt like it was over.
I still went to the ob to make sure, and I think almost the worst part of the whole thing was I saw on my chart that it said I was being seen for a "missed abortion". I freaked out on the nurse. I thought they meant I had chosen to abort my baby and something went wrong. She explained to me that it was the term using for m/c there...it was crappy I thought. A slap in the face. Ack so anyway...I think it was really hard for a long time, and I still get sad sometimes, or wonder what she would have been like, but I got pregnant 3 months later and had my ds Sam(I worried the whole pregnancy), and I am now pregnant with my fourth baby, due in December.
Anyway...thanks for this thread...I haven't been able to explain things so clearly before. Debi
I have had two miscarriages. They were between my two boys. The first one, we got pg. on our first try of TTC another baby, our older ds had just turned 2 years old. everything seemed to be going fine, got a couple of days into my 11th week, had a regular check-up, and the dr couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler. Sent us for an ultrasound later that day. Ultrasound showed that the baby had stopped developing in the 8th week. I had just a tiny bit of brown spotting after the ultrasound. I was given the choice of a D&C, wait and see, or start things with a shot of methotroxate (spelling?). We were terrified, sad, scared. I was afraid of a D&C. Got online, got on boards, and sought out everything I could on exactly what a natural miscarriage was like, the pain, the amount of blood, the feelings. The next day, we went shopping, got a couple of movies, I felt numb to what was going to happen. I still remember it like yesterday. I was reading on the couch. Dh was on the computer, ds was watching cartoons. I felt a popping feeling, my water breaking, and a gush. I ran to the bathroom and literally sat on the toilet for hours while everything gushed out of me. I felt contractions. It was labor. It was more painful when I could tell tissue was stuck trying to come out of my cervix. So I would pull it out with a piece of toilet paper. If I hadn't read and read and talked to women that morning online about what was going to happen, I would've gone to the ER with the amount of blood that was coming out. Dh would come in and be with me, keep ds distracted, bring me a drink. I don't remember if I cried during it much. I was just concentrating on what was happening. Completely engulfed in the process. What I think was the baby, looked like a small sac, with some tiny bits in it. I moved to the bathtub and laid in there with the shower aimed on my back to help with the pain. I massaged my stomach, that made things go faster. My water broke around 1-2pm, and I finally left the bathroom at around 9:30pm. The majority of the miscarriage was that night, though the next week I could feel tissue caught on my cervix and I pulled it out, it was causing a lot of pain, hard to walk. Everything I saw, looked like large blood clots, thick rubbery looking tissue paper. I had to wear pads for a week or so. I got my blood drawn every week for 5 weeks until my hCg levels were below a 5 I think it was. Dh was home with me every day, the entire time, he had been in a car accident 2 weeks before I lost the baby, and he had a slight brain injury that kept him out of work. It was a blessing to have him with me during this time (and he was home for about a month after also, couldn't go back to work yet). Bad about the accident, but the timing of it meant dh could be with me and give ds the attention he needed also.
We got pregnant again 1.5 cycles after that baby. I was watched closely from the beginning. My hCg levels were doing their thing, but low. Early ultrasound was inconclusive. In the 9th week, ultrasound showed that the baby hadn't developed enough. It was over. Again I had no spotting or bleeding. This time, I wasn't waiting. I wanted it over. The next day I had a D&C. It was emotionally horrifying and scary. But physically, it was 90% less painful than the previous miscarriage. The first one was less scary though because I knew what my body was doing. I felt in control. With the d&c I felt out of control and afraid, but physically it was better. Each time I think we chose the right path. With the D&C, I didn't ask to see the baby. Our losses were on February 22nd 2002 & June 14th 2002.
My story is the same as well as very different then some here. With my mc I had NO pain. Because of that fact I still doubt I had a m/c, but if it wasn't, then I don't know what it was.
I didn't even know I was pg. I thought for sure that I was but took a test and it was -. But now I know that it was too soon.
Anyway, we were at a conference in Chicago when I "got my period". I thought it was weird cause it was a week early, but not totally uncommon for me even though I was on the pill. That was Sat. On Thursday I was at work and I was standing on a chair putting stuff away on the shelves and I felt something BIG come out. I thought it was just a big clot. I went to the bathroom and there was this BIG whiteish/gray/pinkish thing on my pad. It was very hard and about the size of half a golf ball. My heart sank and I immediatly realized that it was my baby. I just froze and couldn't move. I don't remember how much I was bleeding at that point. My periods have always been heavy...even on the pill. So I had to go back in and finish my work day out. When I got home, I told Jim all about what happened and I called our insurance nurse line. She said to either go to the ER or urgent care. I chose urgent care cause I knew that wouldn't do a pelvic...the LAST thing that I wanted at the time...now I regret that. So we had to wait for our friend to get there cause we were having a meeting at our house that night with a ton of friends. We we went to the UC and the doc said that from everything I described it sounded like a m/c and we figured out the timing and figured out I was about 10 weeks, give or take a week. We went home and there were about 15 people there and I just went right to our bedroom and went to bed. I couldn't face anyway. At one point I did get thirsty and went to get something to drink I think. I don't remmeber too much. I bled for 3 week after that and got my next period exatly 28 days after the bleeding stopped.
Anyway, the not having any pain thing though totally throws me off. I still have doubts that I m/c. If that is what it was, I am totally convinced that I m/c'd cause I continued to take the pill the whole time.
I've never had a m/c so I can't begin to imagine what you ladies have been through, but I wanted to send all of you my deepest sympathies for your losses.
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