Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Southeastern North Carolina
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Although I am so incredibly happy that I am pregnant again, I think about my sweet Clara everytime I feel my new baby. Some days I am too terrified to go through this again.
Clara's story: I had a planned homebirth, everything was fantastic. About 1 week before EDD I went into labor, a long one, and everything was fine until I was at 10 cm. When I was just about to push, the midwives checked Clara's heartrate another time, and it was really dropping with each contraction. The ambulance was called immediately (the paramedics treated me and my midwives like dirt by the way, it was awful) and at the hospital the baby had a heartrate but still dropping with each strong contraction. Immediate C-section but Clara didn't make it, she never took a breath. Nothing was wrong with Clara or me. The hospital tossed the cord and placenta so they wern't autopsied. The doc that did the C put as cause of death, fetal distress. What?? There had to be a reason. My midwives and I suspect cord compromise. What else could it be? The hospital was so insensitive, they put me in the same wing as live babies, if you can imagine. The recovery was awful. The memorial for Clara was beautiful, everyone (except for some family members who blame me and a home birth for the whole thing) was supportive and devestated. We are lucky that we have a beautiful picture of Clara which hangs in our living room. I love to talk about her, she is so amazing, my little angel.
I hate to get into it with people casually so I tell people this is my first child...I feel guilty about this though. What really kills me is people I talk to in passing and give me pregnancy advice and tell me what to expect.
I have so many fears, I am afraid that I am going to project this on my current pregnancy. My body failed me the first time, why not again? I don't even want to discuss my birthing choice with people because I don't want to be judged again (This time,Midwife, drug-free VBAC in hospital by the way).
I am really happy that I found this site, I just needed to vent a little and it is so nice (even if I was sobbing) to hear others with similar experiences. I know people who have miscarried (awful enough) but no one else who has had full term still born's.
Sorry to be so longwinded but I really wanted to say something after I read on another thread about people who had bad births (but had thier babies) saying that the saying "At least you have a healthy baby" is crap. Well, it's not. Although I may have felt differently before. All I truly want this time is a healthy baby. Cut me up, shoot me, whatever.
Thanks...I don't even know if any of this made sense, sometimes my thoughts are going faster than my fingers.