Life is beginning to settle, although we are still having our moments frequently. Part of what has been so difficult, in addition to losing our baby, is that after my son's birth it took us 4 years to get to the point of being willing to try another pg. With him, I developed PE, and had an emergency cs at 30w. As a result, he has mild cerebral palsy, and it took a lot of soul searching to decide if we were willing to risk doing that to another person after having watched him struggle. I was also extremely ill, and could have easily died. There was about a 20% chance of PE for this pg, but it looks like the symptons of PE were a result of the stress to my body from her death.
Part of what has also made this difficult is that we were prepared to watch for problems with the PE and the risks that involved. But to have had a perfect pg, low to normal BP, and then have this happen out of the blue has been overwhelming. We had just reached the point in the pg where, even if I developed PE again, there was a good chance of survival, and a good chance of getting the pg almost to term, even if we needed to intervene at some point. We had finally begun to breathe easier.
Additionally, we were notified last week that we are being transferred to Germany next year; dh will go in Feb, we will finish out the school year, ds is 4 1/2 and is very attached to his school, friends and routine. We had thought that with only 5 years left in the AF, that we would not be transferred again. It is just feeling like everything in our lives is out of control. We would also be under military healthcare over there, and I refuse to even attempt another pg under them. That was a major problem during the first pg. By the time we get back, I will be in my mid 30's, not old to be having a baby per se, but it increases the risk of the PE even more.
I am not even sure of what I am looking for with this post. I guess I just needed to ramble and get some of it out. Thanks for listening
I am so so so sorry!!!I would love to give you a big !
THese are trying times for you....
We are all here for you!
Incidently, my sister lived in Germany for several years and really loved it. While she had a nightmare-from-hell birth while under military care in the US at Ft Erwin in California, she had her last two children in Germany. The second was a c-section due to a short umbilical cord and her third was an all natural VBAC!!
Don't be afraid of the health care in Germany it is sometimes much better than what military wives often receive in the states.
abimomma and Jenmom, thanks for the encouraging words on the healthcare avail. in Germany. We will be going to Ramstein, so Landstuhl is the MTF. Reading their web page, I am not impressed with how they handle OB/GYN. After having dug and dug on tricare's website, it appears we are allowed to stay on standard while in Europe, they just discourage you from doing so, so my son and I will be seeking German healthcare as much as we are able to find it. I can't speak a word of German (well I can curse a bit, courtesy of my German exchange student roomate in college ), how common is it for people to speak English? They have offered some basic conversational German courses, so I will be taking those...but not until we arrive.
Thanks you all again--it is good to have a place where I can go, no matter what time of day, and find support. And since we will be losing the in person support of our friends soon, it is nice to know there is someplace to go no matter where we are
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it. We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.
I agree with Xiola'sMomma that you will know when the time is right for you to have another baby. In your situation, I would take all the time needed to grieve.
I wanted to let you know about a Dr. Tom Brewer (maybe you already do) who claims to have wonderful success with a high protein diet for pregnancy. 80 to 100 grams of protein a day. He claims to never have lost a baby or mother to PE. I do not know if this is accurate but we followed his nutrition plan and had easy pregnancies. His website is www.blueribbonbaby.org. I hope you do not take this info as guilt-inducing - you are not in any way responsible for the loss of your beautiful daughter! I just wanted to pass along info that could be helpful (certainly could not hurt to try it) in your next pregnancy.
Again, my sincere sympathy at the loss of your daughter.
I feel so deeply for you. Your story is so similar to mine. In my case the placenta abrupted.
I will light a candle tonight in honor of your precious baby Samantha Jean. What kinds of things have you done to remember her?
This is truly a place of love and healing, please know you can share freely here and get the support you need. I found writing helpfull and extend to you a warm and gentle welcome to write what ever you need to here.
Greif is a journy and you have many roads to travel down. I wish you peace.
On the other hand, I managed to go in to my office Friday. I work PT mostly at home, but usually go in once a week for an hour or so. It felt good to be back into my regular routine a bit more.
Jenmom, I am sure I will be emailing you as I come up with more questions
mamacrab, thanks for complimenting her name. Before dh and I had met 11 years ago, we both decided on that name, so her name has a lot of meaning for us--the child we dreamed of through our childhood, courtship, and marriage. Dh is having a hard time with that aspect of her death, because her future was very real to him.
Kirsten, thanks for the info. Actually, I was following Brewer's diet, which is why we believe that the signs of PE were a result of my body's stress at her death, not true PE. As best we know, there is no diagnosis of PE in my medical records for this pg, but it is listed as a possible contributing cause on the death certificate, with cord constriction being the primary cause. I am planning on asking about the specifics of this at my pp appt this week. I am also going to ask about a testing for a clotting disorder; apparently this can also cause PE in some pg.
Ms. Mom-thank you. Our hospital put together a memory box for us. It included her hand and footprints, the clothes her hospital picture was taken in, the bracelets they would have used, the measuring tape they used. The clothes and measuring tape have spots of the birthing fluids and blood still on them. We also took pictures after she was born, as well as at the funeral and graveside service (2 separate services in 2 states). We made impressions of her hands and feet. Several hours after the burial, dh and I took a sheet and just went and sat and listened at her graveside. It is a beautiful area at the top of a hill, surrounded by trees, out in the middle of nowhere, quiet and peaceful. I have written her birth story, and am working on events during the pg and the past few weeks, and would like to get birth stories from dh, my Mom, and my MIL (they were all there). I would like to eventually put everything together in a memory book.
So that is where we are at right now. Monday marks when she would have been 1m old, so I expect that next week may have some especially difficult moments. Thank you all again for your loving support.
It's been almost 9 years since my daughter was born still and I still find healing taking place within me.
Your service sounds so lovely. I savor the memories of my daughters service and her birth. Our hospital was so loving and kind to us and thoes memories have carried through to this day.
We have a wall in our hallway in her honor. Several poems, birth/death certificate, foot/hand prints and her dress in a shadow box. It's a lovely memorial and now I can walk past it and smile instead of cry.
Please continue to be gentle with yourself. Reach out to thoes around you for support and help. Take good care of yoruself as you travel the many paths of greif.
You, Samantha Jean, and your family are in my thoughts. I lit a candle tonight in her honor.