Our baby died. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 34 Old 07-14-2005, 02:53 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My baby died today. He was born at home at around noon. We put him in a wood box in his baby blanket. We had to take him to the hospital with us but we refused to let them take him for pathology or anything.
There was nothing wrong with him. He was 13 weeks.
He was perfectly formed with all his fingers and toes and even a tiny penis.

It's hardest because I was feeling him move already.

I try to blame the ultrasound, what I ate or what medications I took but the truth is, it's just my heart shaped uterus that is to blame.

I'm in pain physically in my throat from the intubation from the emergency D&C. There's no cramps.

The party in my head is already pretty dang loud. We'll see how that goes in the next few weeks.

I'm trying to be grateful for the time I had with my son. It's hard.
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#2 of 34 Old 07-14-2005, 03:12 AM
 
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I don't know what to say, but I didn't want to ready without replying. I hope you find peace. I will say a prayer for you, your husband and your sons.

Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

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#3 of 34 Old 07-14-2005, 03:13 AM
 
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Mindy, I am very sorry about the loss of your son. s

Cristina - "If you find it in your heart to care for somebody else, you will have succeeded." Maya Angelou
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#4 of 34 Old 07-14-2005, 03:16 AM
 
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Oh sweet mama...
many hugs and kisses to you
how absolutely devistating
I can't even imagine......
sweet, sweet mama
you will get through this if you
give yourself a chance to heal
It will be an incredible journey
many, many blessings

Cecily
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#5 of 34 Old 07-14-2005, 03:23 AM
 
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I am so sorry for your loss. I wish that you may find peace. I know what it is like to have a perfect baby that is just too small. Many s to you.
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#6 of 34 Old 07-14-2005, 04:32 AM
 
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I'm truly sorry for you loss.
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#7 of 34 Old 07-14-2005, 04:57 AM
 
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's to you mama.I feel your pain.I've had 2 m/c's myself before.Just know that no matter how much you wanted him,he was needed with your maker worse.Be comforted that your precious little one is a tiny guardian angel for your family,and he knows how much he's loved and missed.Try to find some peace with this.Even though his body is gone,his soul's with you whenever you need him.
I'm crying with you mama.
Many prayers to you and yours.
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#8 of 34 Old 07-14-2005, 06:51 AM
 
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#9 of 34 Old 07-14-2005, 10:01 AM
 
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oh mama.. i am so very sorry for the loss of your son
i feel your pain as i also lost a baby that came out with 10 little fingers and toes, but at 10 weeks, not 13.
i am so glad you refused for your precious to be taken to pathology. the doctor i saw at the hospital forced me to hand my little one over and i still cry over it 22 months later..

much hugs to you mama.
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#10 of 34 Old 07-14-2005, 10:15 AM
 
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You are in my thoughts and prayers.
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#11 of 34 Old 07-14-2005, 10:23 AM
 
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's momma.
I am just so sorry. You and your family are in my thoughts.
Blessings to you.
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#12 of 34 Old 07-14-2005, 10:46 AM
 
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I am so very sorry for your loss. Be gentle with yourself and come here as often as you need. We will all be here to listen.
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#13 of 34 Old 07-14-2005, 11:11 AM
 
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I have been where you are. I lost twin daughters at just about the same place in my pregnancy in 2001. Actually, I lost them because of a bicornate uterus, just like you. It is so hard to feel that your own body caused this horrible loss. Please take time to grieve and know that you are not alone, you did not cause it, and your baby is smiling down from above. So many hugs to you. If you need to chat with someone who knows exactly how you feel, feel free to send me a private message. I hurt for you as I read your message. I don't know your faith, but I will be praying for peace for you.
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#14 of 34 Old 07-14-2005, 11:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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tracylhl, I would really like to talk with you about your condition and about resections.

Today we are going to choose a gravesite and casket. I pray that this is the only baby we have to put in that grave.

I haven't slept well. I think I'm having psychotic episodes. Everytime I try to go to sleep, I hear a baby crying. All the time I dream about my baby.

I'm frightened of the doctors because they'll want to put me on sleep medications and make me stop nursing Hank.

I'm scared of the shrinks because they'll want me to go on anti-depressants already.

I just got one message from one nice lady here in the area but I feel like I can't talk to my other friends her in Pierce County. Two just had their babies and another is due in September. I JUST CANT FACE THEM!

My midwife never wrote me back after I told her. I'm pissed off at her. I wonder if she even ever gave a darn in the first place or was just resentful that I went to the doctor after passing tissue early on Saturday.

I had emergency surgery on Monday evening. I was bleeding SO much. I've never seen that much blood or blood clots that big.

I'm hurting so much. I am so empty on the inside.
Every morning, I reach down to feel my growing tummy and then I'm shocked into the realization he's not there anymore.

I feel like I should do something, but there's nothing to do.

Does it ever ease or go away? I can't live like this.
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#15 of 34 Old 07-14-2005, 12:04 PM
 
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Oh mama! I'm so sorry for your loss. Is it possible that your mw hasn't gotten your letter yet? I don't blame you for not wanting to go on sleep meds and run the risk of having to wean. I also understand about the anti-depressants. Maybe you could join some type of bereavement support group. That way, nobody would be pushing meds, and you would have people in real life to talk to and share your grief with. I can't imagine the pain you are going through.
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#16 of 34 Old 07-14-2005, 12:15 PM
 
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#17 of 34 Old 07-14-2005, 12:57 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for your loss...
And prayers for you and your liitle angel

RayRAy

Life Learning Momma to DS17, DS16,DS9jumpers.gifas well a dog, a cat, two birds...ttc babygirl.gif homeschool.gifnamaste.gif
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#18 of 34 Old 07-14-2005, 01:02 PM
 
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I will be praying for you mama-for your dh and your sons as well.
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#19 of 34 Old 07-14-2005, 01:45 PM
 
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I am so sorry for your loss. I just wanted you to know that what you are feeling is normal. I went through alot of those same feelings too, dreams that I heard a baby crying, reaching down to feel my stomach before realizing there was no baby, I even had phantom kicking. You don't need medicated, you just need time and support. Just know that you are not alone.
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#20 of 34 Old 07-14-2005, 01:51 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for your loss. Please take care.
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#21 of 34 Old 07-14-2005, 01:53 PM
 
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#22 of 34 Old 07-14-2005, 06:50 PM
 
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oh momma.. im in the nov due date club and i was reading your posts hoping all was well.. im so sorry for your loss.. be gentle with yourself

 

 

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#23 of 34 Old 07-14-2005, 07:31 PM
 
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I wanted to let you know that you are not alone with losing a baby. I have lost two. I just lost one in April of this year. I felt so mad at myself for cleaning the house that day I started to spot. I asked myself what would have happened if I just let my teenage and pre-teen clean the house. What if I did this or that differently, but in the end I now realize it just wasn't meant to be. This is all after I talked to my OB, dad, my best friend, and taking three months of healing emotionally. I cried, screamed, yelled, threw things, left the house for walks on my own and didn't tell my family, then I would be normal like nothing happened at all and then it would happen all over again. This was my way of grieving for what happened. I finally recovered physically and emotionally. We are trying to have another baby, but we keep missing the day. I still get jealous of others who have kept their babies or just became pregnant. My dad (retired social worker) said this is normal for me, since my baby was taken from so soon. I want to be pregnant again so bad.

You need to take it slow and recover from the physical part of this sad situation. You will need to grieve in your own way for as long as you need to for yourself. This will be a slow recovery for you emotionally too. If you want to talk about this just pm, I would be glad to listen. It's hard to see your baby boy come into the world and leave so soon.

Your little guy saw that you needed some extra love at the time, when he saw his job was complete he left to be with his maker again. You will both meet again in a different place. Just remember that he will be watching over you always.

Here are some (((HUGS))) and some to help you along in your journey of life you are now traveling on.
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#24 of 34 Old 07-15-2005, 03:06 PM
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Much love to you right now.
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#25 of 34 Old 07-16-2005, 05:07 PM
 
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*tears* I am so sorry.
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#26 of 34 Old 07-16-2005, 07:32 PM
 
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I'm so sorry

I can speak from experience that things will get better. I did use the sleeping pills & meds - only for a couple of weeks but it did help me from totally spinning out of control. I started to hate them after that and stopped, but for a little bit of time I was thankful for anything that "helped".

Do what you know is best!
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#27 of 34 Old 07-17-2005, 01:17 AM
 
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#28 of 34 Old 07-17-2005, 01:45 AM
 
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Sending you & yours love, peace & strength.

xoxo - Rachelle
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#29 of 34 Old 07-17-2005, 02:44 AM
 
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I don't have any words of wisdom. Just wanted to add my love and hugs and prayers....Keep coming back to this forum, and talking IRL, and writing....Maybe it would help to write a letter to your baby. Just pour your heart out and let the tears flow.
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#30 of 34 Old 07-17-2005, 04:52 AM
 
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Oh mindy ,
I cannot imagine your pain. The sorrow and the hormones droppping so dramaticly must be mind numbing. You poor dear, My thoughts are with you.
Please please please try to get some sleep. I read this
Quote:
I haven't slept well. I think I'm having psychotic episodes. ....

I'm frightened of the doctors because they'll want to put me on sleep medications and make me stop nursing Hank.
.
and I see a red flag, I know you are in so much pain. If YOU feel that you are having psychotic episosdes then you must save yourself so that your child may be saved. Do whatever needs to be done to ensure you will be here to care for Hank. Desperate times call for desperate measures and that may be medication that ensures you will sleep and live.
I am so sorry, I hear you pain in yoir posts and iIwish I lived closer.
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