Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Southern California
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Thank you for posting about your sil "angel". I, too, know what this feels like as I lost my "twin angels" a year ago. It is a very painful experience and nothing but time and caring friends and family can help you get through it.
I went through this experience pretty much on my own. The father of my twins, whom I call "sperm donor", never participated in my pregnancy or the still birth of my twins (so that's all he really did was donate sperm). I am very lucky to have a wonderful, loving caring family and the same kind of friends because without them, I don't know what I would have done. I did isolate myself for awhile, was very angry with the world and God. It took time, support and counseling to help me deal with it all. I felt totally alone, so when the twins were born, I was there by myself because I felt that I had to be... It was my problem, right? I felt for so long, and still do a little, that I let so many people down, including myself and the twins. I felt for so long that there was just something more I could have done to prevent this, but I now realize that there is nothing more I could have done. I had a very "normal" pregnancy, outside of the stress of dealing with "sperm donor" and I enjoyed everything I went through. My twins were healthy all the way up until I went to the doctor for a check up and to see if I would be admitted for induction. That is when the doctor found no heartbeat, nothing. A lot of people blame the doctor for letting me go too long. I guess I do a little, too. I also felt for a long time that I should have known better, but the doctor's are the ones that are supposed to know better, right?
I saw my beautiful baby girl, Ryleigh Mikaela, and my beautiful baby boy, Chayton Tyler, but I could not bring myself to hold them. I donated their viable organs so I could help another little one have a chance at life that my twins didn't. Who am I to take that away, that gift of life, that someone else can have? I had a memorial service for them then and on what was to have been their first birthday.
I hold my babies in my heart forever, they are in my soul until the end of time. I miss them so much, but I know that they are watching over me every day, making sure that I am alright and shining their bright lights on everyone.
I am very blessed to have had them for nine months, although there are times when I wish they were here with me now. I miss them every day.
I am a healthy woman and will be able to have more children eventually, when I am more physically and emotionally sound. There was nothing wrong with my health to cause the stillbirths and nobody has ever been able to figure out why the twins were stillborn. Instead of one healthy one making the other healthy, the healthy baby took on the sick baby and it was just too much to handle.
Thank you to you all for reading this post. When I talk about my angels, it helps me ease some more of the pain. And thank you to my friends and family who are the best ones a person could ever have. May God Bless you all