lost baby at 22 weeks - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 18 Old 12-27-2006, 11:55 AM - Thread Starter
jak
 
jak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: brooklyn
Posts: 16
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi, I am new here. I lost my baby (#2--I have a 3.5 yo) at 22 weeks due to an incompetent cervix on December 18th. I've gotten through the holidays okay, but cry spontaneously for about five minute stretches. For those of you who woh, when did you go back to work? I teach high school--all my students knew I was pregnant, I am afraid to have them all console me and ask questions, because that is what makes me lose it, but at the same time I feel the need to get back there--I was out the week before christmas break because I was in the hospital and school is closed this week. I'm just wondering what other people did about taking time off of work. Did you need to? How soon were you functional? How did you deal with the financial costs if you took a leave? thanks in advance,

Jak
jak is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 18 Old 12-27-2006, 01:05 PM
 
coralsmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 743
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
jak,
i am so sorry that you lost your baby.

i went back to work about 10 weeks after we lost our baby. my job was mildy out in the public eye, and i was afraid that i wasn't going to be able to hold it together to do my job, especially if anyone asked anything...
but, because i was in a work environment, the focus was really on work and most people didn't say anything, which also hurt, i guess it was just a hard situation all around. when i felt like i needed a break, i went to a private place like a bathroom or out back and cried. it really sucked, but the time passed and i got through the initial rough part of just being back at work and trying to live beyond the loss.
is there any way for you to ease back in? maybe work a few days and then take a few off to recollect? is there anyway that your students can be told before you go back? would you rather that nothing is said at all? can you meet with your principal to talk about how going back to work could be made easier for you?
it is a hurdle, but you will make it over. work can be a great distraction to the pain of your loss. i was thankful for the space it took up in my brain, because grieving 24-7 was so exhausting, and that is what i was doing for the 10 weeks after her death.
you may find some support there, too, you never know...

i am glad you found this forum, as there are many women here who have gone/are going through the loss of their baby. there is alot of good information here, as well as supportive ears.
coralsmom is offline  
#3 of 18 Old 12-27-2006, 04:55 PM
 
k9sarchik's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Never never land
Posts: 1,351
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am so sorry for your loss. You will need time to heal physically and emotionally and I think that everyone is different regarding how much time they need.

My m/c started when I was at work and everyone knew I was pg. Most people were wonderful and understanding and concerned for me. I happened to have the m/c just before Thanksgiving and I was taking the whole week off anyway, so the timing worked for me. I needed at least a week before I could go back to work.
I have a friend who is also a high school teacher. She had her m/c at work in the school bathroom.....and she told me that it was very difficult because she had parent/teacher conferences that she couldn't miss. While in the meantime she was just devastated and working at the same time.

I think that it is up to you and what you feel you need for recovery. I think that coralsmom has a good suggestion, maybe the principal or another teacher can break the news to everyone and the students for you. You might be surprised at how much support you get.

Laura~ wife to my stuntman, Stig, mama to Gavin Rutgar reading.gif(4) and now Wyatt Andreas (1) and 2 little angel1.gif.

k9sarchik is offline  
#4 of 18 Old 12-27-2006, 08:46 PM
 
JBEMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Paradise on Earth
Posts: 10
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Jak,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby. I, too, lost my baby @ 22 weeks due to an incompetent cervix. It's been three years for me (Dec 7).

I didn't work outside the home when this happened so I don't have any advice for you....I just wanted to send you some cyber hugs and tell you to please take as long as you need and to not let anyone tell you how long and in what way to grieve.
JBEMom is offline  
#5 of 18 Old 12-27-2006, 09:41 PM
 
Debstmomy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: I prefer REALITY, How about You????
Posts: 3,168
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I am a SAHM & Student, so not much advice to you in that area. That said, my dh did take a full bereavement leave & then took a "stress" medical leave. He went on state disablity during that time. Ironicly enough he got paid more not working (no taxes were taken out.) He was off for 6 weeks.

Cristina - "If you find it in your heart to care for somebody else, you will have succeeded." Maya Angelou
Debstmomy is offline  
#6 of 18 Old 12-28-2006, 12:25 AM
 
Frankiesmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 96
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I lost my son, Frankie, on October 19th and haven't been back to work since. I am actually going to start working next week and am very anxious about it. I actually moved to another state shortly after my son died, so I don't have the same problem as you as far as everyone knowing that I was pregnant. But almost eveyone at my new job knows that my son was stillborn, because I thought that it was important that they knew where I was coming from and what I am going through. I agree with Coralsmom about maybe having the principal tell people/students that you lost your baby, so that you don't have people coming up to you and asking "hows the baby etc.". I think that that would have been the hardest part for me if I had to go back to my job where people knew I was pregnant.
I think that going back to work will be a good distraction to the all consuming grief that I'm sure you are going though and will at least take your mind off of things for a few hours a day.

Again, I am so sorry for the loss of your little angel
Frankiesmom is offline  
#7 of 18 Old 12-28-2006, 05:57 AM
 
annethcz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: on the beautiful prairie of MN
Posts: 9,825
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost a baby at 20 weeks gestation last summer.

I found that the grief came in waves. I'd be okay for awhile, and then all of a sudden it hit me again. I don't work outside the home, but I do volunteer. I had a commitment that I didn't want to skip about 4 weeks after I lost the baby. Although it was really tough for me to go in and interact with other people, it was ultimately for the best. I did feel like I was just going through the motions to some extent. But it got me out of the house. I was still grieving, but at least I wasn't thinking about the baby every second of the day (although I was thinking about the baby about half of the time). It was good for me to be busy. When I was at home, I tended to just sit and brood and be sad- and that didn't help anyone.

Peace to you.

New signature, same old me: Ann- mama of 2 boys and 2 girls, partnered to a fabulous man.
I'm an unintentional weasel feeder and I suck at proofreading.
annethcz is offline  
#8 of 18 Old 12-28-2006, 10:57 AM - Thread Starter
jak
 
jak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: brooklyn
Posts: 16
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
for your thoughts and experiences. I'll talk to my principal and see if he can't arrange to let my students know in advance before I return. Then I think I will try going back one week after school opens. I think being busy will be good and also my students have a big exam required for graduation at the end of January and I hate leaving them in the lurch. If I can't handle it, I can always decide to take more time off then, right?

Jak
jak is offline  
#9 of 18 Old 12-28-2006, 02:19 PM
 
mommysusie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In a messy, happy house
Posts: 1,246
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a baby back in August at 19 weeks and it was the worst thing I have ever been through in my life. Don't make yourself feel guilty for needing to cry. Crying was one of the only ways that I could just let it all out and feel relief. Talking to my spouse was the other.
It does get better with time, I know it seems like it won't now, but believe me it does.
mommysusie is offline  
#10 of 18 Old 12-28-2006, 10:20 PM
 
HoosierDiaperinMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Missing my DD's
Posts: 6,024
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am very sorry for your loss. (((HUGS)))

I lost my DD at 37 weeks and I didn't woh at the time, but I do teach private piano lessons so I began teaching again at around 6 weeks pp. I encouraged my students to ask questions (we're talking 6-10 yo's) and encouraged the same of their parents. I didn't want any wierdness and I continue to have the same open relationship with them.

Talk to your principal and see what he recommends. I hope everyone will be understanding. My thoughts are with you. s

, , , mama to Ross , Reagan (8/29/05), Joshua (from Haiti...here NOW due to the earthquake!), and Elijah , born safely 9-8-09.
HoosierDiaperinMama is offline  
#11 of 18 Old 12-28-2006, 10:49 PM
 
gretasmommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Maine
Posts: 2,054
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
So sorry for your loss. While my loss was much earlier and only a few knew about the pregnancy, it was difficult to be at work afterwards. I felt like it helped to not have to tell others about personally, or when I did I added that i didn't want to talk about it again at all - unless i brought it up. It was easier to go through the motions of everyday living without bringing up the "elephant in the room". I could get through the day and cry privately in little spurts.

I would have someone tell your classes and colleagues before your arrival back to work, and I would also personally ask them not to bring it up unless you do first - when you are ready. It was easier for me to be prepared. Now the worst moments at work are when some fool asks "so, when are you having another?!"

I grit my teeth really hard, try to look as thogh I am smiling and not grimacing, and hopefully not need to run from the room crying. That happened earlier this week. The poor 6 year old I was doing a check up with! She looked so surprised as I teared up and quickly exited without the usual cheerful "see you next year, have a sticker"!!! Her mom should know better, as they had a term loss years ago!


Anyway, take care of yourself, go slowly.
gretasmommy is offline  
#12 of 18 Old 12-31-2006, 02:23 AM
 
blaqpearl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: SW Florida
Posts: 99
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I feel your sorrow. I lost my baby on Dec 6th. I was 21 weeks pregnant. I too was diagnosed with incompetent cervix. These past three weeks have been the hardest I have had to deal with in my life. We had just found out we were having a girl the week before. We were on cloud 9 since it was our first baby. Because of our financial situation I had to return that following Monday. Noone at my job new I was pregnant. Well, I told my supervisor the day it happened. But noone really new until after. Its been hard nonetheless. That first week back was the toughest. I would definitely cry at my desk, especially when I would get a phone call from a friend or family member who didnt know and I had to tell the story again. It is still hard talking about it now. I am crying right now for you and me. I really wish I was still pregnant. I miss my little girl so much. Honestly...the only thing that is keeping me sane at the moment is my faith. If I didnt have that...I would be balled up on my closet floor crying 24/7 with the little dress I had bought the day before it happened.

Thanks for posting this thread...I didnt know how to start one of my own without breaking down. I tried before but I couldnt finish.
blaqpearl is offline  
#13 of 18 Old 12-31-2006, 06:36 PM - Thread Starter
jak
 
jak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: brooklyn
Posts: 16
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Blaqpearl, I am sorry for your loss too. Going back to work must have been so hard. I am feeling better and better about going back. I talked to my principal and he said he would make sure the students knew what was going on with me so I wouldn't be bombarded with questions and even the "I'm sorrys" which make me cry, even though I know they mean well. I think it will be good for me to be busy, when the holiday madness is over soon, I will need something to push myself forward.

Assata is a beautiful name. Did you name her for Assata Shakur?

jak
jak is offline  
#14 of 18 Old 12-31-2006, 08:49 PM
 
blaqpearl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: SW Florida
Posts: 99
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Jak,
That is great that you were able to talk to your principal. Hopefully it will make that first day back not so tearful. When I went back to work I kind of just sat there and didnt do much. I often found myself just staring and replaying things in my head when I was alone. But time does really help. And take your time. If I could I would have at least taken two weeks off.

And yes, we did name her after Assata Shakur. My husband fell in love with that name years before he even met me after reading her book. He wanted to name his first daughter that. And so he did. We starting calling her by her name the instant we found out it was a girl. It means "she who struggles and wins". Very fitting, I think. She got to straight to heaven without having to go thru the trials and tribulations of this life. So she won.
blaqpearl is offline  
#15 of 18 Old 01-01-2007, 07:42 PM
 
Careyayn22's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 11
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
First of all, let me say how very sorry I am for your loss. We are in much of the same situation. I was 22 weeks when I lost my son due to infection, but it was ultimately complications from a incompetent cervix. I am a high school teacher as well, but I had been on bed rest since 18 weeks, so I was already out on medical leave before that.

My son was born on Nov 16th and I am not going back until Jan 3rd. There was NO way I could go back in the first three weeks or so...I probably could have gone back after that point, but the holiday break was so close, I decided to wait until after the break to make a smoother transition.

In my experience, I needed at least three weeks to physically and mentally get to a place where I could function normally. I teach at a wonderful school, and my principal called the staff in for a brief meeting in the morning and told them of my loss and he took the time to talk to all my classes that day as well...so they all know when I get back.

You need to take as much time as needed. I received FMLA for the entire time I was out (after my sick pay ran out), so you should be OK too. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY...do what you need to do...I can't say that enough.

I still have my moments...and I will for a very long time, but I can get through difficult questions and sad looks from others without breaking down (at least in public...I might later when I am alone)...and as you know, as high school teachers..we can be human, but to show a lot of sadness seems to get some of the sharks sensing blood...they see sadness as weakness.

Anyway, take care of yourself and feel free to E-mail me anytime. I sent this via E-mail...just reposting here in case you do not receive the message.
Careyayn22 is offline  
#16 of 18 Old 01-03-2007, 07:21 AM
 
strmis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Bay Area
Posts: 834
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
jak
my condolences for your loss .

i just gave birth to our little angel yesterday morning. i would have been 22 weeks yesterday, so as far as work goes i'm out for the moment as well.

i've only been to work a couple days since we found out that our baby had severe deformities. that was december 13th. even knowing about the impending miscarriage made going to work difficult, and now that its actually happened its hard to imagine even going back. however, the couple of days i did work helped me take my mind of the situation, but then again some days are better than others. i came in for half a day once and did ok. it felt good to take my mind off our grief, if even for a few hours. i tried again another day that weeka nd broke down crying, my boss told me to go home and take it easy. another day i went in for a full day and found that around hour 6 of work it became too much. i work with a chiropractor and i talk to most of the patients. it was sometimes difficult to talk to patients and holding back tears when they asked me how the baby was doing.
that being said, i found that going back had both pros and cons, of course. i intend to start back up in a couple weeks, doing half days for the entire month. all together i will have taken about a month of work. as far as money is concerned, we could definately use my extra income, but think about the money that comes with actually caring for a baby (maternity leave + diapers, clothes, food, etc...). taking time off is definatelly something that is priceless and will go a long way for you. take time to grieve, but remember, its also very taxing on your body and soul. distraction is also good, but it can also be easy to be overwhelmed.

everyone grieves differently and emotions are handled differently by everyone. you'll know best when you are ready.
i dont know if any of this has helped you, but if anything know that you are in my thoughts. please take care of yourself. i find comfort in knowing that there is a huge support for mothers in our situation and it helps so much.

h20homebirth.gif    femalesling.GIF-     familybed2.gif   -Yep... thats me redface.gif

strmis is offline  
#17 of 18 Old 01-13-2007, 02:17 PM
 
SaraMommyof3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Vancouver, Wa
Posts: 11
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am sorry for your loss. I am new to the board and a friend gave me the link to your thread. I have lost 3 little girls due to IC. I only got diagnosed with IC after the 3rd. My losses have been at 16w, 23w and 16w4d.

I do not work, but I do have 3 little ones at home and especially after the
23w loss, it was very hard to jump right in there and start working again.
SaraMommyof3 is offline  
#18 of 18 Old 01-16-2007, 06:09 PM
 
barose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 4,115
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am so sorry for your loss.

I went back to work two weeks after my stillbirth (30 weeks). I started interview for another job (left my previous company after I gave birth) about a week later, sore, bleeding, lactating breasts and all.

It was VERY hard facing new people everyday who know nothing about me. There were a lot of pregnant women, men with children (that would talk about the non-stop) and I was dealing with my physical symptoms of birth while trying to work. That was way too soon for me though I though keeping me busy was the best thing. It didn’t go so well and I end up leaving the company after 3 months. I also moved away from my ex into my own flat.

I stayed unemployed (not by choice) until I stated a new company in Feb 06 and started therapy July 06 so my life has been slowly getting back together. I worked odd and temp jobs and had savings in 05 but I didn’t have a regular, full-time job with benefits and the whole bit.

God forbid if this happens again, I will try to take as much time as I can going back to work. Even if this means taking an extended leave of absence.
barose is offline  
Reply

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off