Friend lost baby @21 weeks - what can I do to help? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 01-17-2007, 06:01 PM - Thread Starter
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I just found out and am at a loss for how to help. I have lost two babies myself but here I am with a 10 week old so I am sure I am the last person on Earth she wants to see right now. I called and she was ditanct and not ready to talk - completely understandable. I want to help but taking food over is not the way I want to do it. Anyone know how I can honor her baby or have any ideas as to what was helpful to them? Please help, Mamas...
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#2 of 11 Old 01-17-2007, 06:53 PM
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Well... I lost a son at 19 weeks, so I can tell you what helped us most.

* It really felt good to hear anyone say his name. I felt like they considered him a real person and considered my grief to be real.
* I also appreciated anyone who looked at his pictures... not something I really expected from anyone, but it was special when anyone did.

As far as your 10 week old... I can see how you (and she) might feel uncomfortable/ not know what to say or how to handle it/ etc. I had friends with babies, too, and it's hard. But if you tell her how you're feeling and mostly how sorry you are for her loss, she'll most likely appreciate your support.

* What DID NOT help was the friends who didn't acknowledge our loss at all.

Sorry you have to walk through this with her. You sound like a good friend.

Wife and Mama who homeschools-- mostly in the kitchen!
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#3 of 11 Old 01-18-2007, 12:02 AM
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I recently lost a son at 22 weeks and I would say give her some space, but keep in touch. I felt like sometimes I didn't have the energy or the will to call someone or see people, but I really did appreciate people calling or sending an e-mail or a card. You don't have to say much--just say you are sorry, and then just be open to hearing whatever she feels like telling you. Also, be open to talking about completely unrelated stuff--I know sometimes I really like hearing about something else--so I am not sad all the damn time!

It means a lot to have people recognize what happened. There is not much else people can do. People who haven't called or even acknowledged it--it hurts a lot.

I personally have not felt any pain or jealousy around other people's babies or pregnancies. I know some people do. You can't pretend that you don't have a baby, so don't try. Just make yourself available and she will be back in touch, I am pretty sure.
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#4 of 11 Old 01-19-2007, 12:16 AM
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What helped me when I lost my baby at 21 weeks, was a little space. But not too much space. When the phone stopped ringing it felt lonely. Although I wanted to be alone...deep down inside I just wanted to hear a loving voice just to say hi and I am thinking about you. Just let her know you are there for her and that if she wants to just cry on your shoulder it is okay. Its such a confusing time. Emotions are hard to describe. Mostly its just a deeeeeep sense of loss and disbelief. My heart goes out to her. I really feel her pain.

It was also nice when friends brought by some food. I really didnt feel like cooking during those days just after delivery.
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#5 of 11 Old 01-19-2007, 02:47 AM
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I know it might seem impersonal to some to take food but the last thing on her mind will be cooking right now. I'd pick a night, say you're bringing something and maybe sit with her a few minutes when you do. Maybe taking her a journal or photo album might help. Or a really stupid fiction book to read. I read two silly books the week I lost my first and they took my mind off things for awhile!

Stacey reading.gif Happy wife to Rick coolshine.gif ,homeschooling Mama to Jacob, Noel, Joanna jumpers.gif  and a sweet stork-girl.gif due in the Spring!
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#6 of 11 Old 01-19-2007, 09:06 AM - Thread Starter
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THanks for the replies...I am going to make her something and drop it off on my dh's next day off...That way he can watch the kids and neither of us will feel uncomfortable. Besides, my 22mo knows there was a baby in her belly and might say something... I as 7 weeks when I lost my first and 14 when I lost my second and I remember the indescribable pain and sense of longing for the baby - I just wish with all my heart she wasn't going through this...for that matter - I wish ALL of us who have experienced a loss didn't have to go through it. Even though I have two beautiful and healthy children I still mourn for those who did not make it...
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#7 of 11 Old 01-22-2007, 11:13 PM
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i lost a babe around 20 weeks, and the most touching thing was my mom's friend had a tree planted in her name. for more info:

Zoe, mama to one "rough and tough" dude (8/02/06) and one new sweet pie (4/11/10)
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#8 of 11 Old 01-23-2007, 01:25 PM
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It was so nice to have some space - but not too much! I agree with a PP who encouraged you not to try to hide your baby, while also not bringing your baby wiht you when you go to see her. She will probably acknowledge your little one but it might be too painful for her to see the babe right now. She is lucky to have such a considerate friend in you!

Bringing over a meal would be so nice, and also making sure to just listen for a bit . .... and be mindful of the time - perhaps have soemthing you "need" to do afterwards so that you can leave if you sense she needs some time alone after a while.
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#9 of 11 Old 01-27-2007, 02:45 PM
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I also lost a baby at 21 weeks, and I agree with everything the previous posters said. Also, I had a friend who donated money to the March of Dimes in memory of my daughter, that meant a lot to me.

Sarah: momma to 3 
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#10 of 11 Old 01-28-2007, 02:26 PM
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I lost a baby at 19 weeks and for me the worst thing in the world was people that kept asking what happened. I shared what went wrong with people I felt comfortable with, but I didn't feel like telling the whole world. I did like people telling me that they were thinking of me though. That really helped. My boss sent me a sympathy card and it was so touching it made me cry. I mainly just wanted space. I cried to my husband every night, but I just wanted the rest of the world to treat me like a normal person that lost a family member.
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#11 of 11 Old 02-02-2007, 04:33 PM
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I am so glad you wrote here at Mothering to try and help your friend through the loss of her baby.

Maybe you could send her a card. That way she knows you're thinking of her and she can call you if/when she feels ready to talk.
You can find some really nice cards out there in the bereavement section if you look around. The Gold Crown Hallmark store has one for the loss of a child that is worded nicely.

I have a page for friends and family on my site that may help too. I hope it does.

I am always glad to hear that people want to be there for their friends when their baby dies. Thank you for being a caring friend.
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