I hope you all dont mind, but i have a question..... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 08-25-2003, 02:20 PM
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Im not sure if it will be helpful to any of you.... maybe it will help you if you could help me..
I have a very good friend of mine ( a couple) who have been TTC for about a year in a half to two years. I have known the gentleman since high school and met his (now wife) when they met.. we used to hang out quite a bit before i got married and we had Avery....
Well, a year and a half ago, or so, they got pregnant and decided to get married, as he was going to ask her soon anyway.... about two months before their wedding she miscarried, and they got married anyway...
Since then, she has had a tubal pregnancy..... and right now (any time) she will be having a D&C (sp?) because she is now about 5 months pregnant and they have been told the baby is unhealthy and has kidney failure among other things.
One of our mutual friends told me (actually on IM online, which kind of irritated me) as they asked them if they could let certain people know as they are so full of grief they just cant call and tell anyone...
When they miscarried, the gentlemen called and told me and i just told him how sorry i was.... (glad thats all i said after reading your posts).
My problem is that i feel so so bad and sorry for their situation.. they are just wonderful caring people and it is so unfair for them to have to go through this..... not only that, but it makes me so sad that I have one healthy little guy and another one on the way due in a month and we never see them because i think that im a constant reminder of what they dont have....
Im not sure what to do.. i know i shouldnt call, and i have grappled with sending a card.. but i dont want to make them feel worse....
Do I just leave them alone?
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#2 of 7 Old 08-25-2003, 04:54 PM
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No! Everybody has left me alone thinking i would just call them if I needed them, and it has made me feel so alone! If I knew someone who was going through this I would call, tell them I am so sorry, I am thinking of them , is there anything i could do..I would send flowers, a card, anything to show I care...

I dont really understand the situation you are describing (seems like there must be more to it?), but will she get to see/hold her baby? I just lost a baby at 5 months & we plan to get a wood box made to hold the ultrasound photos,the photos we took of him, cards we recieved,etc....maybe you could get her a special box to hold those things?

Please do call, do anything you can - even if she is in too much pain to take your call, even if she cries, even if she is incredibly sad - it will make all the difference in the world to her to know that you cared enough to reach out to her. It will truly make a difference in your friendship!


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#3 of 7 Old 08-25-2003, 05:08 PM
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I would definitely call or send a card or flower. You don't have to say much, just you're really sorry about their loss and you're there to listen (or whatever). For me, it was important for the people around me to validate my loss and not try to brush it aside. Even the smallest gesture that you're thinking about them will help. I think your friends are very lucky to have such a considerate friend like you. I'm very sorry for the friend's loss, do stay in contact with them.
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#4 of 7 Old 08-26-2003, 01:31 AM
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I second the No, don't just leave them alone. Send a card or something to acknowledge their loss. I basically lost a very good friend of mine because whe was pregnant and she knew that I desperately wanted to be pregnant. (We both already had 1 child, she now has her second, and we are still trying for our second.) The biggest reason that I lost her friendship is that she *assumed* that I could not be happy for her with the second pregnancy. Yes, I had feelings of "why not me, too?" But I could still be happy for her. *She* did not share her joy with me, and then she said that she didn't think that I was happy for her. Well, she wouldn't *let* me be happy for her! This is just a long way of saying do not assume that you remind them of anything. If you are a true friend, and they to you, then hopefully you can both share joy as well as sorrow.

When I lost my baby, I did not want people to leave me alone, I wanted them to acknowledge our loss.

Bed time... gotta go put my 2 1/2 yo DD to bed...

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#5 of 7 Old 08-26-2003, 01:50 AM
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I totally agree with everyone else's posts. I lost my daughter 4 weeks ago at 24 1/2 weeks gestation. I have truly cherished every phone call, every flower, every card I have gotten. My husband played secretary for me and I didn't always talk to everyone who called or call them back right away, but I truly appreciated knowing they cared. I didn't always have the energy to pick up the phone and call them, but I could talk to them when they called. I have a very good friend who had a baby born full term the same day my baby was born and we are going to visit her next week to meet her new son and I am so happy she has included us in this joy in her life. PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE THEM ALONE.

Before you were conceived, I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you. Before you were a minute old, I would have died for you. That is the miracle of life. ~Maureen Hawkins~
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#6 of 7 Old 08-30-2003, 11:27 PM
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Don't leave them alone. With my first stillbirth (my son was non-viable and we made the heartwrenching decision to let him go at 22 weeks) I got a simple card in my mailbox from the neighbors across the street. That was it. I only missed one day of work (wasn't sure how to grieve, thought that was the best place, never regret that decision either). My husband;s work stepped in and sent dinner, etc. But I felt so alone.......

When it happened for the second time, my youngest daughter's friends stepped in and made sure to include me and take care of us. Dinner, babysitting, whatever we needed. I know having been through this once made this time easier, but also having people stop by was wonderful. I was not alone this time and loved it (as much as I could).

There will always be people who don't know what to say and therefore avoid you until they think that the magic "waiting period" is over (especially your friends who were pregnant with you), but that isn't helpfull either.

Please ask them what you can do, so many people won't........
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#7 of 7 Old 08-31-2003, 02:13 AM
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I agree with everyone. Sending flowers would be wonderful
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