Feeling ok after miscarriage - should I not? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 15 Old 10-17-2008, 09:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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On wednesday, I had my second miscarriage.
Long skip if you're not interested in background / TMI:
(It was physically harder and emotionally easier than I thought it would be and than the 1st. The first time was my first pregnancy and I miscarried at 4.5 weeks, just after finding out I was pregnant, on the most awe/fear-filled holiday of the year. It was devastating, I cried, I mourned, I doubted myself ... But I bled less than a normal period and it barely hurt at all.
Then a year later I got pregnant again (conceived the night after the same holiday), had an uncomplicated pregnancy, a powerful natural birth, and have a beautiful, happy, healthy 15 mo ds.
We planned to get pg again, though I was a bit ambivalent about it, and were surprised to conceive the first try. It was barely starting to feel real at 7.5 weeks when the midwife thought my uterus felt small but was probably fine. I was starting to believe it at 8.5 weeks when the bleeding started, and an ultrasound confirmed the pregnancy had stopped progressing at 5.5 weeks. It really stunk to hear the news. I was hoping to miraculously find a heartbeat and be sent home to rest. But once it was confirmed, I wanted to go home and be done with it and move on. I went through the worst of it the next day, bled a lot, passed a lot of clots and tissue. That part was scary, and I worried I might bleed too much, and at times felt a bit woozy, and felt weak and tired by the end of the day, but the bleeding slowed to a medium-light flow and that's where it's stayed.)
Pick up here if you skipped:
I've just been feeling very calm and accepting. The miscarriage itself was scary, and I'm definitely feeling tired out and like I need to rest and recover. But everything I'm reading says this is supposed to be really hard, devastating, etc. And it hasn't been. So many of the things on the list of stuff not to say to someone who's had a miscarriage are things that I'm feeling myself and that bring me comfort. I've always taken an "if its meant to be, it will be" approach to my very carefully timed TTC efforts. (I could deal with a pregnancy in this time frame, and if its meant to be it will work out and if not we'll wait til the next one) I guess I do feel like maybe this one just wasn't meant to be, even thought it seemed like it would have been really nice. I have an amazing little boy and I feel like the luckiest person in the world to have him. And he came after a miscarriage, and I wouldn't have gotten him if that pregnancy had made it. Who knows who I'll get when I get pregnant again and it works out. I feel like ds is a huge comfort that I didn't have the first time around, and like knowing that my body is capable of sustaining life is holding off a lot of the self-doubt and misery I felt miscarrying my first pregnancy. I don't feel like the 5.5 week old embrio/fetus that I lost was a baby yet. It was a potential baby, a potential person, and there's a loss of that potential, but that potential isn't nearly as real to me as a baby. I'm a spiritual person, but to me it seems like a lot of prenatal development is physical and the spirit / soul comes in sometime later on, before birth, but probably after the first trimester (I don't know why I feel that way, but I do). I don't really want people to bring up the miscarriage. It makes me feel like I have to make them feel better about it, and like I should feel worse. I think I'll be mostly happy to move on when I feel like my body has recovered.
I guess I'm wondering if I'm the only one to feel sad about a miscarriage, but not devastated, more or less calm, not-guilty, not-broken, and lucky to have the family that I have.
Thanks for reading, and I hope I haven't offended. This is all my personal feelings and I understand that they probably don't match most of yours.
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#2 of 15 Old 10-17-2008, 09:55 AM
 
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I m/c'd last month at 16 weeks. It was hard but all I could think about was how llucky I was to have my sweet little son already. I think once you have kids they give you something more important to focus on than yourself when things like this happen. I also felt that my pregnancy was just not meant to be.

I think your feelings are totally normal and healthy.

Mama to sweet Joey (01/27/06), rainbow1284.gif VBAC baby Rita born 09/12/09!
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#3 of 15 Old 10-17-2008, 11:09 AM
 
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I am sort of feeling that way. It has been 12 days since my m/c and I think I am doing okay. I haven't cried in a week, I finally stopped spotting yesterday. I am sad about what happened, but there is part of me that realizes it was nothing that I did and nothing that could have been done for the blighted ovum. I was 8.5 weeks when I m/c, but found out at 7.5 weeks, so I have had almost 3 weeks now to grieve and I think I am doing okay. I am feeling almost ready to move forward and try again. My fear now is it happening again

C- mama to K (8) and A (5.5) (8w5d) 10/08, new baby O-2.11.10
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#4 of 15 Old 10-17-2008, 04:12 PM
 
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I understand what you're saying. I lost my pregnancy at 5w3d this past week. This short pregnancy was fraut with bleeding, good betas, followed my more bleeding, then a miscarriage. It was such a rollercoster. Physically the miscarriage was no more than a regular period-- no cramping, clots, tissue- probably due to short duration.

I'm definitely sad, but like you said, I really never got to know this baby. It was just too short. Most of my worries revolve around whether I will be able to become pregnant again and carry to term, not the loss itself.

Mama to my beautiful Ana Carolina (2/07), Isabel Cristina (6/10), and #3 on the way in August 2013!

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#5 of 15 Old 10-19-2008, 10:35 PM
 
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No, you're not the only one. I think it is hugely comforting to have a child already to love, to distract you, and to remind you that your body can have a healthy baby. 11 days after my miscarriage at 10 weeks, it's still painful and sad for me, but in a way I felt something was wrong all along, so somehow it's easier to understand that I couldn't have changed anything, that it just wasn't meant to be. Like many other people who've posted, I am mostly worried about my next pregnancy at this point. I feel like there was just nothing I could have done differently about this one.

One big thing is that we shouldn't have to worry about how the people around us feel--the last thing you need is to feel like you have to comfort or feel bad for people when they find out about your loss. There is no one right way to feel.

doula mom to a fantastic 3-year-old dirt-lover , Yeshuel, m/c at 10wks 10/6/08 , and Alan born 10/7/09
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#6 of 15 Old 10-20-2008, 12:34 AM
 
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I think it's normal to feel anyway that you feel. It's hard not living up to other people's expectations, but it's ok to not feel devistated if that's just not the way you feel. Best wishes to you!

Mama to dd 2/06 and ds 12/09
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#7 of 15 Old 11-19-2008, 01:44 AM
 
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I felt the same way after both of my m/c's and I have a beautiful sweet 27mo. boy. I feel so blessed that I have him, it has made two losses and a twin reabsorption (with my son) bearable. My first mc was at 14 weeks and was very traumatic physically, but once I recovered I haven't really felt sad. My second was so early, I didn't even know I was pregnant so that just felt like a blip. I am pregnant again, just 4 weeks,4 days so I am keeping my fingers crossed, and if it doesn't work out I will probably have a harder time with it. I just don't feel any symptoms at all, which is making me worry a little. I am trying homeopathy and energy work tomorrow in hopes that this one will work!
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#8 of 15 Old 11-19-2008, 02:04 AM
 
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I have to say... when I miscarried this time...I was just so happy for the cramping and generally sh***y feeling I was having to go away. Everyone kept saying that I was in denial or assuming that I was torn up about it.

I was just ready for it to be done and over with so I could get on with my life. Whether that had anything to do with already having a kiddo...I can't say. But I resigned myself to the fact that this time wasn't meant to happen and I could either go along with it, or fight tooth and nail.

Many hugs to us all.

Jenn - Mom, Photographer, Barista 

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#9 of 15 Old 11-19-2008, 02:14 AM
 
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everyone is different, there is so not a right way.

but i felt the same way you did. i didnt have other kids to console me, and i dont think that has anything to do with it.

i did have a stillbirth less than a year before and for me that was a different experience.

i want to say this gently and i dont know how so ill just say it. MC is a VERY VERY VERY common experience. some estimates are close to half of all pregancies are MCs, many of which go unnoticed. while everyones grief is totally personal and justified, i sortof wish we talked more about what a common, common occurance it is. for many women, esp older, its just part of getting pregnant, and while it can be very very sad, i hate when an early miscarriage is so devistating to a woman, esp an older woman, that it keeps her from trying again and she loses valuable time.
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#10 of 15 Old 11-19-2008, 02:20 AM
 
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You're not the only one. It's okay to feel okay. Just let it process naturally.

DD1 7/13/05 DD2 9/20/10
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#11 of 15 Old 11-19-2008, 02:48 AM
 
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My miscarriage was my first and only pregnancy, so, no other kids to console me or get my mind off of it. I sometimes get a little emotional, but it's not focused on that pregnancy, it's focused on not having any children yet. As I was being discharged from the ER after my miscarriage, I was asking the ER doc when I could try again. That's what my mind is on, getting pregnant again. I often think of my miscarried pregnancy as a good thing, as it proved I can get pregnant. I'd been TTC for over 2 years, so I was beginning to have doubts. Now, I know I can conceive and I know that early miscarriages are very common... So, I look forward, think of TTC...

I think it may partially be because my pregnancy still seemed so unreal. If I had felt the baby move, I'm sure I'd feel much different.

43 w/Emphysema - TTC from 2005 - 2013. 2 miscarriages in 2008. Good things do not come to those who wait.

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#12 of 15 Old 11-19-2008, 10:29 PM
 
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I think I understand how you feel.

I had my son in September 2006. I had a miscarriage in July 2008 and was devastated. It just shook me and I was so unprepared for it to happen. Last week I had a miscarriage and I am sad about it and disappointed but not nearly the way I was the first time. I actually feel a lot better not being pregnant, I feel like a fog lifted, I have energy and just more like myself.

I also think part of the difference was the pregnancy that ended in July was real, I saw the heartbeat at 9 weeks and then at 11 weeks started bleeding. I thought I was safe, up until the 9 week appointment I worried some and didn't really believe I was pregnant. Last week I was 11 weeks and went in for my first appointment and found out it was a blighted ovum, so I never really had a period of time where I thought it was going to be fine.

We won't be trying again for probably 6 months or so. I feel like I need to focus on my son and be happy with the family I have. I think I may have pushed away from my son a little while I was pregnant and miscarrying because either of being exhausted or sad or just worn out. Now I need to be more present with him and not worry about another baby, to do things I can control.

I also agree that miscarriage should be more open. We tend to say it won't happen and keep it quiet, when really it is very common and isn't an indication that someone did anything wrong. I had no idea how many people had miscarriages until I had the first one and everyone told me their stories. Before that I had no idea.

So no I don't think it is weird at all.

Melissa- mom to a boy 9/06 and a new boy 11/10 and married to my best friend 7/02
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#13 of 15 Old 11-24-2008, 07:55 PM
 
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I feel fine too, and I feel so bad about that. I have a one-year-old, she distracts me. Since I lost my son at 35 weeks, my attitude about this miscarriage has been "better now than at 35 weeks". I feel so bad about that. But, there is no right or wrong way to mourn.

I am sorry for your loss.

Kerri, mom to Doran  angel2.gif  (born still 7/6/05 at 33 weeks), Mairaed (11/16/07),  angel1.gif 11/15/08 at 10 weeks,  Kieran (11/2/09).   angel1.gif 1/11/11 at 15 weeks
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#14 of 15 Old 04-20-2009, 07:42 PM
 
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It has been comforting to read the other posts. Now I know I am not alone in not being devastated after my first miscarriage. I have a wonderful 15 month old daughter already.

Last week I miscarried at almost 11 weeks. Initially I was angry at God for allowing this, then I began to feel guilty wondering if there was something I could have done to prevent this (not played ultimate frisbee so hard, etc). During the miscarriage, I was mostly grossed out by all the blood and tissue passing out of my body and also saddened at the loss of life. But since I have several friends / family members that have miscarried I was very aware of the possibility of miscarrying during my first trimester. I did not get overly excited about this pregnancy due to this fact and the fact that I'm kind of an even keel person.

After the miscarriage, I have come to a place of acceptance. I know God has good plans for me. I have found comfort in the following verses from the Bible "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28-29) and "For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless" (Psalm 84:11). If it was good for me to be pregnant right now, I believe God would have not allowed me to miscarry. I am trusting in his goodness.

Honestly I don't feel that bad. I did feel guilty for not feeling very bad because everyone reacts like it is the worst thing in the world. Don't get me wrong, I know it can be very painful emotionally, physically and spiritually and everyone reacts differently. Thank you for reminding me I have the freedom to react in my own way.

God has blessed with a loving husband & fun-loving daughter.
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#15 of 15 Old 04-20-2009, 11:29 PM
 
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I'm with you also. I had a m/c at 5.5 weeks after TTC for over a year. And while I was sad that it was lost I felt glad that at least we got that far, that it happened quickly and was over with fast, and that I at least knew we could get pregnant. So I guess I'm more scared of not conceiving that I was of my m/c. For me that was a frustrating part...
I do not have any children yet, but I am hopeful that next time it would be a sticky.
s to all...

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