On wednesday, I had my second miscarriage.
Long skip if you're not interested in background / TMI:
(It was physically harder and emotionally easier than I thought it would be and than the 1st. The first time was my first pregnancy and I miscarried at 4.5 weeks, just after finding out I was pregnant, on the most awe/fear-filled holiday of the year. It was devastating, I cried, I mourned, I doubted myself ... But I bled less than a normal period and it barely hurt at all.
Then a year later I got pregnant again (conceived the night after the same holiday), had an uncomplicated pregnancy, a powerful natural birth, and have a beautiful, happy, healthy 15 mo ds.
We planned to get pg again, though I was a bit ambivalent about it, and were surprised to conceive the first try. It was barely starting to feel real at 7.5 weeks when the midwife thought my uterus felt small but was probably fine. I was starting to believe it at 8.5 weeks when the bleeding started, and an ultrasound confirmed the pregnancy had stopped progressing at 5.5 weeks. It really stunk to hear the news. I was hoping to miraculously find a heartbeat and be sent home to rest. But once it was confirmed, I wanted to go home and be done with it and move on. I went through the worst of it the next day, bled a lot, passed a lot of clots and tissue. That part was scary, and I worried I might bleed too much, and at times felt a bit woozy, and felt weak and tired by the end of the day, but the bleeding slowed to a medium-light flow and that's where it's stayed.)
Pick up here if you skipped:
I've just been feeling very calm and accepting. The miscarriage itself was scary, and I'm definitely feeling tired out and like I need to rest and recover. But everything I'm reading says this is supposed to be really hard, devastating, etc. And it hasn't been. So many of the things on the list of stuff not to say to someone who's had a miscarriage are things that I'm feeling myself and that bring me comfort. I've always taken an "if its meant to be, it will be" approach to my very carefully timed TTC efforts. (I could deal with a pregnancy in this time frame, and if its meant to be it will work out and if not we'll wait til the next one) I guess I do feel like maybe this one just wasn't meant to be, even thought it seemed like it would have been really nice. I have an amazing little boy and I feel like the luckiest person in the world to have him. And he came after a miscarriage, and I wouldn't have gotten him if that pregnancy had made it. Who knows who I'll get when I get pregnant again and it works out. I feel like ds is a huge comfort that I didn't have the first time around, and like knowing that my body is capable of sustaining life is holding off a lot of the self-doubt and misery I felt miscarrying my first pregnancy. I don't feel like the 5.5 week old embrio/fetus that I lost was a baby yet. It was a potential baby, a potential person, and there's a loss of that potential, but that potential isn't nearly as real to me as a baby. I'm a spiritual person, but to me it seems like a lot of prenatal development is physical and the spirit / soul comes in sometime later on, before birth, but probably after the first trimester (I don't know why I feel that way, but I do). I don't really want people to bring up the miscarriage. It makes me feel like I have to make them feel better about it, and like I should feel worse. I think I'll be mostly happy to move on when I feel like my body has recovered.
I guess I'm wondering if I'm the only one to feel sad about a miscarriage, but not devastated, more or less calm, not-guilty, not-broken, and lucky to have the family that I have.
Thanks for reading, and I hope I haven't offended. This is all my personal feelings and I understand that they probably don't match most of yours.