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Old 10-31-2008, 02:27 PM
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Jayjay, I decided to put something beautiful on my blog! So my family and friends can join in! Thanks for the great idea!! We all need a little big of beauty in our every day lives!

Shannon Shaun - DH (and boyfriend since I was 16). my sweet Gwen 1/1/06 missing Dresden born sleeping 39 weeks 9/9/08 :, Delaney is scheduled to arrive 8/31/09 Odin&Loki :
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Old 10-31-2008, 02:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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No problem - we need this. We are not betraying our babies who died - we are honoring their lives and honoring those that come later (well, that's my opinion anyway!) by allowing beauty to come into our lives even on really cruddy days. Gosh if anything, losing Josie has really stamped into my mind exactly how fragile life is and how I could lose any member of my family at any time. We almost lost Harry's sister Bess yesterday - she hit a deer, totaling the front of her car, and then got plowed into by the car at the back (four cars in total were involved in the crash), totaling the back. Luckily she's fine, but that was luck! Life is fragile - we have to make all that we can of it!

Mama to Josie , lost 10/10/08 at 37.4 weeks .
and my rainbow baby, Isobella Mai ...born 1/12/2010 ! in profile...
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Old 11-01-2008, 02:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yesterday...

Watching the leaves and the tiny little green twigs in the fire burn and curl up, all red and hot... Dressing up as an Egyptian queen for Halloween and frightening everyone with my eye makeup... Grinning at the kids because they looked so cool in their Halloween garb - Devin even had a curly mustache... Carving pumpkins and setting them outside with candles in them - they looked so awesome...

Today - who knows! I will have to post tomorrow though because we are heading out of town to Harry's sisters before taking my mum to the airport tomorrow morning. Hugs to everyone! XXX

Mama to Josie , lost 10/10/08 at 37.4 weeks .
and my rainbow baby, Isobella Mai ...born 1/12/2010 ! in profile...
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Old 11-01-2008, 02:24 PM
 
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Fireflyforever- I looked for your original post about the loss of baby Emma but I couldn't find it so decided to post to you here. I'm so sorry to read that another mama lost their baby (((HUGS))). I'm happy that you all can find something beautiful everyday. I had a very difficult time for a long time after the loss of Norah. Now, it is easy to do, then....not so much.

D. proud Mom of H. E. M. and T. always remembering Norah (11/07 at 40 wks) and (10/06) see profile
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Old 11-01-2008, 07:57 PM
 
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Thank you namaste_mom. I noticed from your signature that we have had similar journeys through pregnancy and loss ... my elder two are a little older than yours, I also had a m/c just before conceiving Emma and lost Emma at 40 weeks. I'm adding my prayers to yours for the safe and happy arrival of your beautiful rainbow baby in a few weeks. I'm really hoping that their is a rainbow baby in my not too distant future too.

I don't always find it easy to focus on the good stuff but I make myself when I come on this thread - and I always feel a little better for doing it.

"Beautiful" things for today:

My DH decided to hold a slot car racing party for himself and a few friends to celebrate his birthday. It was sooo much fun ... 6 cars on 2 lanes, much ramming and barging each other off. A fair amount of cheating and giggling ... it feels good to be able to laugh and the friends who came were great. They just let us be us - with no expectations about how we might feel or act. That's a relief.

Oh, and we got a card from a lady at church (whom we don't even know - our church has 4 different services every Sunday) who had heard about Emma and wrote to us, telling us about the loss of her newborn daughter 18 years ago. She has offered to meet me if I ever want to. It's too soon yet but it is good to know that there is somebody in real life I can talk to if I ever want to, because I don't know anyone else this has happened to in "real" life. DH and I are astonished at how far the ripples from our baby daughter's birth and death travel. She has had a profound effect on SOOO many people.

Jill &heartbeat.gif the keepers of my heartheartbeat.gif : Dave, Ben (9/2002), Lucy (9/2004), (m/c 9/2007) Emma (born still on her due date and forever missed 10/2008) and Tobias (1/2010)grouphug.gif
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Old 11-02-2008, 12:15 AM
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Fireflyforever - we found out that our neighbors had a baby boy die 44 years ago and they reassure us that you never forget!! It's sad but also very comforting to know that there are others who we can talk to and that they will know what we're going through.

Today - finally getting the trim for our kitchen (we've been remodeling all year!) and being outside in the beautiful day while staining the wood! I'm feeling like i actually want to DO things now.. I'm working out regularly, and feel like organizing things around the house.. it's strange cause during the pregnancy I felt kind of lazy and didnt have drive to do much... so I'm feeling like the 'old me' little by little..

yesterday - halloween, of course!!

Shannon Shaun - DH (and boyfriend since I was 16). my sweet Gwen 1/1/06 missing Dresden born sleeping 39 weeks 9/9/08 :, Delaney is scheduled to arrive 8/31/09 Odin&Loki :
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Old 11-03-2008, 12:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay, for yesterday we have this: Harry's apple pie. I've been boasting about it for over a year to my mum, and she finally got to try it - hurrah! It really was beautiful - he bakes the best pies

For today (which was a hard day because we had to drop my mum off at the airport) I have to say it was our family meal at Applebee's that we had on the way home from Bess's house. It was a nice meal and Harry and I shared a triple chocolate meltdown dessert! Funny how so many beautiful things are food...heh! At least I won't waste away!

Mama to Josie , lost 10/10/08 at 37.4 weeks .
and my rainbow baby, Isobella Mai ...born 1/12/2010 ! in profile...
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Old 11-03-2008, 01:16 PM
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yesterday - playing wallyball and hosting a game night with friends. We had some laughs and good times. Oh, and while were on the subject of foods being beautiful things.. at game night we had U-bake pizzas.. like the ones my mom used to buy when we had slumber parties as kids! Funny how foods can take you back to a different time!

Shannon Shaun - DH (and boyfriend since I was 16). my sweet Gwen 1/1/06 missing Dresden born sleeping 39 weeks 9/9/08 :, Delaney is scheduled to arrive 8/31/09 Odin&Loki :
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Old 11-04-2008, 12:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay here is todays...

I took the flowers from the funeral and sorted them out - nipped the rosebuds which had dried off, and all the other flowers that had dried nicely, and put them in the bottom of a basket and made a kind of arrangement out of them. They look so nice I might post a picture! Then, I took the daisies which were all different colors. The petals had all dried so I took the petals off them and some other flowers (and stray rose petals) and put them in a jar, which I put on a shelf - another nice little arrangement! Finally I took the flowers which had dried nicely all by themselves and put them in a vase. I cleaned out all of the other vases, and rearranged the living flowers in our living room and kitchen.

Then, I took my maternity clothes which were all neatly washed and folded, and put them in a white bag, and labeled them, putting them in the closet for next time! All together it was a pretty productive day and I am so pleased with my little flower arrangements - it seemed like a really nice way to preserve some of the lovely flowers people got us.

So altogether lovely really! Hope everyone had a nice day today. Hugs XX

Mama to Josie , lost 10/10/08 at 37.4 weeks .
and my rainbow baby, Isobella Mai ...born 1/12/2010 ! in profile...
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Old 11-04-2008, 01:47 AM
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That does sound lovely Jayjay! I'm still trying to figure out what to do with all the dried flowers. I want to put some special things together for our siblings and parents, so they can have a little bit from them too!

Hmm I suppose my beautiful thing for today was... being told by the doctor that I can TTC anytime I feel emotionally ready! I thought I'd be told that with the c-section that I should wait until mid next year.. but I told her that I wanted to try in January, and she said that the risks weren't much higher for trying sooner than later.. sooo that made me feel pretty good! Also, working out with Shaun was nice and relaxing!

Shannon Shaun - DH (and boyfriend since I was 16). my sweet Gwen 1/1/06 missing Dresden born sleeping 39 weeks 9/9/08 :, Delaney is scheduled to arrive 8/31/09 Odin&Loki :
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Old 11-04-2008, 07:07 AM
 
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Been a tough couple of days emotionally here but I'm still trying to look for positives ...

Yesterday DD and I spent a lovely afternoon making sparkly princess puppets out of popsicle sticks, funky foam and glitter ... that was fun.

Jill &heartbeat.gif the keepers of my heartheartbeat.gif : Dave, Ben (9/2002), Lucy (9/2004), (m/c 9/2007) Emma (born still on her due date and forever missed 10/2008) and Tobias (1/2010)grouphug.gif
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Old 11-05-2008, 12:12 PM
 
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New friends. A warm welcome and a safe place, that is beautiful to me today. I feel a small ray of hope for the first time.

Ima to Mizz.Jonas- 14, Isman- 12,Javsar- 9, Nani Gweesa- 4 and Baby Micah born into the Universe sleeping at full term Oct. 19th 2008 and Partner to Abba ~ belly.gif8/2011  Grateful to be Dead  broc1.gif
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Old 11-05-2008, 12:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oops - yesterday...hmm - tons really! Oh - talking to my midwife in the afternoon. That was really really nice. She always give the best hugs and I was able to get a few things out, over a cup of tea with her. I'm so glad she's in our lives like this!

Also my Dad called, which was lovely, and said that we'd be coming over to see him between June 21st and July 15th of next year. He lives in England and we're all so excited - so that was good too.

And of course the historic election results. Hurrah for change! *grins*

Mama to Josie , lost 10/10/08 at 37.4 weeks .
and my rainbow baby, Isobella Mai ...born 1/12/2010 ! in profile...
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Old 11-05-2008, 01:45 PM
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I actually have something beautiful instead of just fun or happy.
Yesterday -(Dresden's 8 week birthhday) I took Gwen to the park and took nature walk.. we climbed up this steep hill, and got to the top, a circular area covered in trees and fallen leaves! We sat down for a while and watched as each new leaf fell from the tree, and it was SO beautful! Ahhhhhhhhh

And yes, JayJay - THE ELECTION!! YAY! MY vote finally counted!!

Shannon Shaun - DH (and boyfriend since I was 16). my sweet Gwen 1/1/06 missing Dresden born sleeping 39 weeks 9/9/08 :, Delaney is scheduled to arrive 8/31/09 Odin&Loki :
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Old 11-05-2008, 09:43 PM
 
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Okay so it's Bonfire Night here in England ... and also DH's birthday.

Our beautiful thing was heading into the garden and lighting Sparklers to celebrate, with our 2 children, my sister and my nephew. We all enjoyed pretending to write our names with the light.

I bought a journal and wrote my first entry - it felt good.

...and Ben saying casually as he ate birthday cake at teatime, "I love my sister Emma, even though she died." He's been the one hiding his feelings the most so that caught my heart.

Jill &heartbeat.gif the keepers of my heartheartbeat.gif : Dave, Ben (9/2002), Lucy (9/2004), (m/c 9/2007) Emma (born still on her due date and forever missed 10/2008) and Tobias (1/2010)grouphug.gif
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Old 11-05-2008, 10:56 PM
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I went to kickboxing class.. and stayed after to talk to the instructor.. who has also been the teacher for Gwen's playground fitness class for the past year. We haven't spoken much before.. but I felt like i needed to tell her about Dresden.. I keep feeling like what kind of mother leaves her newborn all the time to go to kickboxing and why wouldn't I bring him to the play class (all the other parents do!) So, I told her.. it was kind of akward (HI, I'm Shannon, I'm sure you remember I was pregnant.. my baby died), but it felt great at the same time! I get choked up a bit when talking about him, but it's getting easier and I do enjoy talking about him to others.

Shannon Shaun - DH (and boyfriend since I was 16). my sweet Gwen 1/1/06 missing Dresden born sleeping 39 weeks 9/9/08 :, Delaney is scheduled to arrive 8/31/09 Odin&Loki :
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Old 11-08-2008, 02:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oops - been saving my beautiful things!

Okay, the day before yesterday I have to say the most beautiful thing was spending time with Harry having chats about anything and everything. That was nice. Suddenly something came to me in the middle of a conversation and I said something along the lines of:

"You know, we are a strong family. We might have hard times, you know - now is one of them...but you know...just having you in my life each day, no matter what happens, makes every day better. Having you around makes every single one of these days better."

And I sat and thought for a minute and then looked at him and he had this twinkly look in his eyes, which I hadn't seen for a while. It was lovely and I meant every word. Without him, this would be so much worse - he really is my rock. If anything in the last month I've realized what a gift we were given, finding one another in this crazy world.

For yesterday, well, the snow falling was gorgeous. I went to the local store by myself for the very first time and talked to a friend for some time about what had happened in detail. She invited me to her house - she's just had two grandchildren almost back to back - actually within weeks of one another (her daughter was due two days before me), and said I should hang out there with the babies for a bit - I'd said I didn't want to keep away. That was nice. I definitely don't want to alienate myself and would love to meet the babies as long as nobody was surprised if I got a bit teary eyed. So that was nice!

Then I hung out with Harry's sister all afternoon, and dyed her hair for her - that was fun. We went shopping and I bought some lovely things and redid our bedroom in boudoir style yesterday evening. I figured I should redo it because so far it's been a tip, full of folded laundry, Kleenexes and stuff we put in there when we took the crib down - not very sanctuary-like. But now, it's lovely! The perfect place for us to be and someday...to conceive Josie's little sibling in *grin*. That felt really really good, to do that. I should post a picture later or something.

Anyhow there we go - this thread is going to continue (even if I get sidetracked lol)

Hugs to all! XXX

Mama to Josie , lost 10/10/08 at 37.4 weeks .
and my rainbow baby, Isobella Mai ...born 1/12/2010 ! in profile...
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Old 11-08-2008, 03:00 PM
 
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Todays beautiful thing was going into the loft at Grandma and Grandad's house and finding DH's sisters bridesmaid dress from abut 25 years ago.

DD has been playing princesses ever since

Jill &heartbeat.gif the keepers of my heartheartbeat.gif : Dave, Ben (9/2002), Lucy (9/2004), (m/c 9/2007) Emma (born still on her due date and forever missed 10/2008) and Tobias (1/2010)grouphug.gif
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Old 11-09-2008, 09:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yesterday...having dinner at a friend's house ad having a lovely conversation. We meant to stay for a couple of hours and ended up staying seven hours! Had some nice chats about crazy things and had a really nice time. I always like spending time with these friends - they really do keep us feeling normal and have been so supportive - there's nothing like a bit or normality and friendship during a difficult period, is there? That's beautiful simply from a human standpoint.

Mama to Josie , lost 10/10/08 at 37.4 weeks .
and my rainbow baby, Isobella Mai ...born 1/12/2010 ! in profile...
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Old 11-10-2008, 08:48 AM
 
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Yesterday's beautiful thing was DS (aged 6) nodding off in the car on the way home from visiting Grandma and Grandad. It sounds silly but he's such a grown up little thing and hasn't fallen asleep in the car for years now. He just looked so sweet and innocent - with flushed cheeks and tousled hair. I could see the baby he used to be ... Emma was a lovely mix of him and DD at birth

Jill &heartbeat.gif the keepers of my heartheartbeat.gif : Dave, Ben (9/2002), Lucy (9/2004), (m/c 9/2007) Emma (born still on her due date and forever missed 10/2008) and Tobias (1/2010)grouphug.gif
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Old 11-11-2008, 12:50 AM
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today - paying 40 bucks to fill up my van!

We went to our cabin over the weekend.. and that whole experience was beautiful, relaxing and perfect!!

Shannon Shaun - DH (and boyfriend since I was 16). my sweet Gwen 1/1/06 missing Dresden born sleeping 39 weeks 9/9/08 :, Delaney is scheduled to arrive 8/31/09 Odin&Loki :
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Old 11-11-2008, 02:23 AM
 
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I built a bookshelf for my son's gigantic library of board books. He was so excited to help me measure, and he couldn't wait to put his books on it. I'm always thankful for him, even on those less beautiful days when he makes me want to scream. Jill, your post made me misty. My little guy is growing up so fast--and he's only 2!
My beautiful thing for the last week has been the election!

doula mom to a fantastic 3-year-old dirt-lover , Yeshuel, m/c at 10wks 10/6/08 , and Alan born 10/7/09
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Old 11-12-2008, 03:43 PM
 
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Today's 2 beautiful things (and I'm posting as an affirmation that there are beautiful things because I'm in a dark place these last few days ... I miss my baby girl so much : ) BUT ... there a pinpricks of light:

I went to parents evening for my 4YO at her nursery. She received rave reviews! So, I'm a very proud mommy (especially as I would describe her as a spirited child!!) I don't care about anything academic at this age but hearing how caring, loving and downright delightful she is warmed my heart ... and then I cried when her teacher expressed her sympathy for me!

Walking back from said parents evening I had to stop and just look at the sky. The sunset was the deepest, most beautiful pink. We suspected Emma was going to be a boy so I'd unpacked the baby boy things and a few neutrals but not much pink. I really felt the sunset was for her ... a pink sky for my 'lil girl and it made me smile rather than cry - which is a beautiful thing too.

Jill &heartbeat.gif the keepers of my heartheartbeat.gif : Dave, Ben (9/2002), Lucy (9/2004), (m/c 9/2007) Emma (born still on her due date and forever missed 10/2008) and Tobias (1/2010)grouphug.gif
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Old 11-13-2008, 02:28 AM
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going down the fast slides with Gwen was the highlight of my day..

Shannon Shaun - DH (and boyfriend since I was 16). my sweet Gwen 1/1/06 missing Dresden born sleeping 39 weeks 9/9/08 :, Delaney is scheduled to arrive 8/31/09 Odin&Loki :
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Old 11-13-2008, 03:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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The last few days have been really quite nice actually. I had an anger fit on Tuesday and emailed my mother, who talked me through it, so that was good to get out.

But on Monday night we went out to celebrate our friend's 30th birthday at Mexican Village, which was lovely and very therapeutic! I had a nice big strawberry daquieri (is that how you spell it?) made with real strawberries - nice!

So Tuesday was my anger fit day but then Harry came home at lunchtime and I got it out to him as well, so that made me feel better and apparently it didn't bring him down, so that was good. The rest of the day was uneventful and we watched a movie with the kids, which was nice

Wednesday...well that wasn't so bad. I saw my midwife in the evening and we planned for her to come over for a nice meal next week. We had an AWESOME conversation about all sorts of things which I enjoyed greatly. I am healing so well physically that by next week I will be totally back to normal in the uterine area, as far as she is concerned - great news! I also saw my OB in the morning who raised her eyebrows at my shrinkage! She took out this one annoying dissolvable stitch that's been sticking out of the very far left of my incision (not causing infection - just sticking out). So then my body immediately closed itself up totally and I am so much happier without that stupid stitch there! If there are foreign objects in my body, I'd like to keep them hidden, thanks!

So I slept well last night, under the crystals I've hung from our bedroom ceiling - pink and clear quartz, for healing and love. We DTD too! Hehehe...it's really, for me, so healing to do that and to express the love like that, you know? Maybe that makes me a bit masculine, but it's how I feel - it's the most affection I can come up with, you know, and I know it makes Harry feel better as well and it affirms our love for one another in the most intimate terms.

Actually in some ways I'm glad we got back to it so quickly because then reproduction and everything associated with it did not become a fear to either one of us. For me, because of the view of my body after surgery, it might have become a fear issue otherwise - now it's not, it's a joy issue!

Alright here we go, since I'm on a tangent anyway - for some I guess lovemaking and sex become more inconvenient after kids I suppose - more of a "we'll squeeze one in here and there" and a kind of chore. As a younger woman it's suppose to be all exciting and then become boring the older we get and the more our bodies change... For me it's been the opposite - now, sex and making love are so much more powerful than before - there's an enormous connection there that I'd never felt as a younger woman between people. Okay, so I am in a great relationship with a lovely man - my awesome rock - but nevertheless, I really feel that it's all taken on a new meaning now. My midwife said I looked gorgeous last night with my mommy body and I really did feel it last night - I felt like a goddess of life looking at myself in the mirror - really awesome!

I also had a conversation with my ovaries and my eggs as separate little half individuals - feeling then as though I could still talk to my body, like I had when Josie was cuddled up in there. I told them to get ready because we were going on an adventure in a few months and that one of them at least would be getting fertilized. Call me nuts but I thought lovingly about them and as though they were a crowd of beings getting ready to be sparked into life - I stroked my tummy, willing everything to heal as though it had never been cut.

All of the above is, frankly, to me, beautiful Hope you are all having good days today and if you're not, that your crying can resolve and you'll feel at peace for at least a little while, so that you can do something lovely for even fifteen minutes and keep your beautiful, worthy bodies above the surface of this water.

One day soon, we'll all be able to touch to bottom with our feet...

Mama to Josie , lost 10/10/08 at 37.4 weeks .
and my rainbow baby, Isobella Mai ...born 1/12/2010 ! in profile...
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Old 11-16-2008, 03:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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The day before yesterday was a nice day! I got some painting done - wuhoo! I actually drew out a big canvas and I am very pleased with the drawing, so I am going to do the underpainting tomorrow.

Then yesterday, Saturday, we made a whole bunch of desserts - home made ice cream and cheesecake...mmm... In the evening, Harry and I went out and played some pool. People were so kind. Everyone wanted to see Josie, so I got to show her off and boy - that was nice actually. That was beautiful and it didn't make me sad at all - just beamingly proud, actually. We were talking about when we'd have another baby and got some cheeky comments about "practice" which was light hearted and pretty funny. Altogether it was a rather nice night. X

Mama to Josie , lost 10/10/08 at 37.4 weeks .
and my rainbow baby, Isobella Mai ...born 1/12/2010 ! in profile...
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Old 11-16-2008, 04:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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And today....it has to be the fact that Carly and Sam in Australia wrote Josie's name, and also Alauna's name in the sand over there and took pictures of both for us... They are such a lovely family - they have a blog called "To write their names in the sand" and do this for people who have lost their children. It's a lovely thing to do - here is the link to the photos:

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/search?q=Josie+Jae

So that has to be today's beautiful thing. I am going to print the pictures out on photo paper and frame them, then put them on the wall. Beautiful! XXX

Mama to Josie , lost 10/10/08 at 37.4 weeks .
and my rainbow baby, Isobella Mai ...born 1/12/2010 ! in profile...
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Old 11-18-2008, 12:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay! For yesterday it has to be hanging around with Aurora and getting some underpainting done on my canvas. I did about a quarter of the face and then actually finished an eye (2nd paint layer etc) as well. Aurora wanted to see what I was doing. So that not only went well but was fun too! I think I will do more today.

Plus I went outside and despite the frost, there was one little perfect snapdragon still standing and flowering. If it's still there today, I will take a picture

Hugs to all! XXX

Mama to Josie , lost 10/10/08 at 37.4 weeks .
and my rainbow baby, Isobella Mai ...born 1/12/2010 ! in profile...
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Old 11-18-2008, 01:00 PM
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I've been having a sappy past couple of days.. not sure if it's that today is 10 weeks - the first of the double digits? or the approaching holday stuff.. or what.. I've been working out nearly every day lately.. which is making me feel as good as possible - I kind of feel like I'm 'doing' something productive while waiting to TTC.. on sunday we took Gwen to see a stage show and she LOVED it!! That was pretty beautiful for sure!

Shannon Shaun - DH (and boyfriend since I was 16). my sweet Gwen 1/1/06 missing Dresden born sleeping 39 weeks 9/9/08 :, Delaney is scheduled to arrive 8/31/09 Odin&Loki :
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Old 11-18-2008, 08:53 PM
 
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Originally Posted by SMR View Post
I've been having a sappy past couple of days.. not sure if it's that today is 10 weeks - the first of the double digits? or the approaching holday stuff.. or what.. I've been working out nearly every day lately.. which is making me feel as good as possible - I kind of feel like I'm 'doing' something productive while waiting to TTC.. on sunday we took Gwen to see a stage show and she LOVED it!! That was pretty beautiful for sure!
We went to our first SANDS (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society) meeting last night. Everyone else was months further down this journey than us and everyone said the first year milestones are all tough. Each one takes us further from our babies. Reaching double figures is a big deal

Anyway, my beautiful thing is going to the meeting. I mean I'm sad that there are enough of us to make a meeting a viable option but it's like the support I get here except DH gets it too. We didn't speak at the meeting but the two of us had a lovely long talk in the car on the way home. I like that we can talk so openly about Emma

Jill &heartbeat.gif the keepers of my heartheartbeat.gif : Dave, Ben (9/2002), Lucy (9/2004), (m/c 9/2007) Emma (born still on her due date and forever missed 10/2008) and Tobias (1/2010)grouphug.gif
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