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#1 of 262 Old 10-22-2008, 01:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I wanted to post a thread here because I decided to start writing down one beautiful thing every day that I saw or experiences since Josie died. It's kind of a "life will go on" type of deal I suppose, and it's helped me take that step each day - you know, the one you have to take to continue moving forward instead of stagnating and turning into sludge (something I sometimes do!).

So here goes:

Yesterday evening was so starry. Harry and I stood outside the front door and he said "look at all the stars in the sky". I looked up and saw that indeed, the stars were really bright - you could see the milky way stretching all across the sky even in the middle of the town. I said "how romantic!" and he said that it was. He grinned and winked at me, and I giggled at him - a small flirtatious exchange, but a big step nonetheless. We went back inside and had a cup of tea.

I will post today's later on, but wanted to make it public now because perhaps there are some people here who want to join in? If you do, just post. Every little helps, doesn't it?

Mama to Josie , lost 10/10/08 at 37.4 weeks .
and my rainbow baby, Isobella Mai ...born 1/12/2010 ! in profile...
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#2 of 262 Old 10-22-2008, 07:05 PM
 
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It's amazing how life really does go on isn't it? Even though it feel like the world should just stop.

I'm glad you are finding something beautiful everyday. Here's some :

Mama to Zoe (8/00), Morgan : (10/01), Brooke9/06), Casey 20wks (2/08), and Riley : (2/09): She's really here!!
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#3 of 262 Old 10-24-2008, 01:55 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay, yesterday the beautiful thing was that our midwife came around and met my mother, and we had such an awesome conversation about anything and everything for hours. I felt like me again of a couple of hours. That was so good. Light at the end of the tunnel very clearly came out then. When we wet to bed, me and Harry had such a nice cuddle.

Today, the most beautiful thing was finding that I had the urge to be creative again both musically and in painting. I think I might get stated tomorrow on both...

Mama to Josie , lost 10/10/08 at 37.4 weeks .
and my rainbow baby, Isobella Mai ...born 1/12/2010 ! in profile...
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#4 of 262 Old 10-24-2008, 02:51 AM
 
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JayJay, you are amazing. To go through all that you have gone through, & still be putting so much effort into seeing the beauty in life, & going out of your way to lift up the others on this board... well... you're truly an inspiration.

Perhaps, as you say, if you didn't do it this way you'd go insane with the grief, but still... I imagine there are a million & one ways to deal with loss. It takes a conscious choice & a concerted effort to deal with it the way you are.

YOU are my beautiful "thing" for today. Blessings & more blessings to you. :

~Mamagrove --- Wife to DH, & Mama to DD joy.gif (2006), DS bouncy.gif (2010), & two Angel-babies angel.gif (2008)  angel3.gif (2012)

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#5 of 262 Old 10-24-2008, 11:32 AM
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I agree with mamagrove! JayJay you are amazing! How can we all be down in the dumps when there is someone out there like you shining a big light around for all of us to see!? Esp. with your history.. your mom and husband having lost babies before.. but you have chosen to rise above it and force yourself to not be bitter.. and I think that's just awesome! Our babies don't want bitter depressed mommas, now do they!? NO WAY!

Something beautiful for yesterday then.. walking through the crunchy autumn leaves and smelling that crisp air! mmm LOVE IT!

Shannon Shaun - DH (and boyfriend since I was 16). my sweet Gwen 1/1/06 missing Dresden born sleeping 39 weeks 9/9/08 :, Delaney is scheduled to arrive 8/31/09 Odin&Loki :
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#6 of 262 Old 10-25-2008, 12:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, thank you - HUGS to you all. Join in! We can do this! I had an enormous cry earlier when I thought about the fact that Josie had a death certificate but no birth certificate because she hadn't lived outside my body - how can you die when you've never been born? Harry got a kick out of that one. I got it out of my system and feel calm again. Crying is important, but here is my beautiful thing for today:

Walking down by Walnut Lake with Harry, Aurora, Devin and my mom. There were some trees there that had been struck by lightning and they were bent over in all sorts of weird ways but had kept growing, their leaves trailing all over the ground. They were fabulous to look at and my mom took some pictures.

On the way to the lake we stopped at an apple orchard owned by a friend of Harry's and we walked through the orchard and picked the best red apples. He has 27 different types of apples in there! We picked apples, putting them in paper apple bags and we ate at least two crisp apples each on the way - fresh and cold from the Autumn creeping in all around us...

Mama to Josie , lost 10/10/08 at 37.4 weeks .
and my rainbow baby, Isobella Mai ...born 1/12/2010 ! in profile...
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#7 of 262 Old 10-25-2008, 01:34 AM
 
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Today was a good day for me. It has been hard sometimes dealing with a toddler while dealing with my m/c, but I am so thankful to have her...

I spent some time with family while my mother helped me make DD's Halloween costume (which is going to be so adorable, if I may say so myself :smile ).

When DH got home, I pulled out some cheap shower curtain liners & covered the dining room table & floor so DD could paint her first Halloween pumpkin. She had a blast, & covered the entire pumpkin, highchair, & herself with paint, & DH caught some of it on video. The funniest part: we tried to get her to say "I love you Daddy" before he turned off the camera, but since she is used to saying "DaDa" & not "Daddy," it came out as "I yuv you Dummy!" I could not stop laughing for about 10 minutes, & am still chuckling as I write it.

~Mamagrove --- Wife to DH, & Mama to DD joy.gif (2006), DS bouncy.gif (2010), & two Angel-babies angel.gif (2008)  angel3.gif (2012)

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#8 of 262 Old 10-25-2008, 03:07 AM
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For today..
our friends having us over for a yummy dinner and seeing their new house. It's so nice to get out sometimes!

Shannon Shaun - DH (and boyfriend since I was 16). my sweet Gwen 1/1/06 missing Dresden born sleeping 39 weeks 9/9/08 :, Delaney is scheduled to arrive 8/31/09 Odin&Loki :
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#9 of 262 Old 10-25-2008, 01:51 PM
 
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For us today:

My mum and dad looked after our 6 YO & 4YO over night. That meant a lie-in, a cup of tea in bed this morning and a long soak in a lavender bath.

Small things but they're there.

Jill &heartbeat.gif the keepers of my heartheartbeat.gif : Dave, Ben (9/2002), Lucy (9/2004), (m/c 9/2007) Emma (born still on her due date and forever missed 10/2008) and Tobias (1/2010)grouphug.gif
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#10 of 262 Old 10-26-2008, 01:21 AM
 
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Today was my first day back at work after my m/c. I'm a labor & delivery RN, so I was nervous about going back.

My "something beautiful" today was the support of my coworkers.

Like Fireflyforever said, "Small things, but they're there..."

~Mamagrove --- Wife to DH, & Mama to DD joy.gif (2006), DS bouncy.gif (2010), & two Angel-babies angel.gif (2008)  angel3.gif (2012)

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#11 of 262 Old 10-26-2008, 01:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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For my beautiful thing today, I have to say this:

We went to our friend's house and we all had a great meal there, with my mom and everyone. We had good, honest conversation and the kids all got to play together for a long, long time - which meant they all went to sleep really well! I also managed to make it to my first shop in my town. I haven't been to any stores. I got the reaction I expected and totally handled it - but, I will be sticking to my plan of one shop every other day to gradually acclimatize myself. Nevertheless, it's progress, and progress is beautiful!

Mama to Josie , lost 10/10/08 at 37.4 weeks .
and my rainbow baby, Isobella Mai ...born 1/12/2010 ! in profile...
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#12 of 262 Old 10-26-2008, 10:43 PM
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Yesterdays beautiful thing was dancing with my husband at our friends wedding..and sometimes just watching him bust a groove.. that's boys a dancin' fool!!

Today's beautiful thing would be... ummm ah, yes.. getting guitar hero world tour and ACTUALLY being better at singing than Shaun! He's naturally good at everything (seriously.. he's an artist and an engineer!) and I am just NOT! haha BUT.. I beat him out at this.. and that was beautiful!

Shannon Shaun - DH (and boyfriend since I was 16). my sweet Gwen 1/1/06 missing Dresden born sleeping 39 weeks 9/9/08 :, Delaney is scheduled to arrive 8/31/09 Odin&Loki :
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#13 of 262 Old 10-27-2008, 12:01 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay, today the beautiful thing was my mother's stewed apples that she made - everyone liked them very much! I also managed to get into the local grocery store even though I was really anxious about it, with Harry's help, and got all the way through and we almost remembered everything (except tea) and he stood next to me the whole time.

I love Harry so much.

Mama to Josie , lost 10/10/08 at 37.4 weeks .
and my rainbow baby, Isobella Mai ...born 1/12/2010 ! in profile...
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#14 of 262 Old 10-27-2008, 01:09 AM
 
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I am very sorry to learn of the death of your precious baby Josie.

Facing death helps us to realize how beautiful life and every moment in it is and to cherish every moment we get to be alive.
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#15 of 262 Old 10-27-2008, 02:08 AM
 
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I am just being honest here, and I'm really trying to look for something positive every day...

Today was an absolutely horrible day, I cannot stop crying.

BUT...

The beautiful thing about today is that it's over!

Tomorrow is a new day. The sun will rise. And that's beautiful.

~Mamagrove --- Wife to DH, & Mama to DD joy.gif (2006), DS bouncy.gif (2010), & two Angel-babies angel.gif (2008)  angel3.gif (2012)

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#16 of 262 Old 10-27-2008, 11:55 AM
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I'm sorry you had a tough day mamagrove!

Shannon Shaun - DH (and boyfriend since I was 16). my sweet Gwen 1/1/06 missing Dresden born sleeping 39 weeks 9/9/08 :, Delaney is scheduled to arrive 8/31/09 Odin&Loki :
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#17 of 262 Old 10-28-2008, 03:05 AM
 
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So... you know from my last post that yesterday was awful. It also ended in a stupid but horrible argument with my husband.

But, that leads me to today...

DH knew I had an appointment early this morning for another HCG blood draw. But he still had the car seat in his car due to me being at work all day yesterday. He was running just barely on time as he was getting ready to leave for work this morning, & also because of our argument last night, I thought for sure he'd have just thrown the car seat in the front hallway in his rush to get out the door for work.

It's not that it's that difficult of a task to install the carseat, although it is ginormous & cumbersome. But DD gets up way early, so I either have to get up earlier than way early to put the carseat in; or if she's awake I have to leave her in the house in her crib while I go outside & do it (& she is on the verge of figuring out how to climb out of her crib literally any day now & her bedroom is on the second floor & she can already open doors (!), so that makes me uncomfortable); or I have to cart her with me outside & try to keep her from either running in the street or getting her foot caught as she tries to do the "pedals" like Mommy does or whatever else she can manage to get herself into while I try to install the stupid carseat! :

Again, these are not serious issues, but it is somewhat of an annoyance, & one that I was certain I'd have to deal with first thing this morning b/c of the aforementioned circumstances.

But here's my beautiful thing for today (took me long enough, right? Geez I ramble a lot these days...): DH, despite our argument last night, & despite him being on the verge of running late for work, still took the extra time & effort to install the carseat in my car so it would be ready for me when I left for my appointment & I didn't have to deal with the hassle.

So, it was such a nice way to be reminded that, even though we're both dealing with this loss in different ways & sometimes I feel like he doesn't understand me at all & how will we ever get through this... our love & commitment for each other is still there, still strong, still the solid foundation that we need to stand on right now, & as long as we keep that at the forefront - we're gonna be OK. And that is such a beautiful feeling.

~Mamagrove --- Wife to DH, & Mama to DD joy.gif (2006), DS bouncy.gif (2010), & two Angel-babies angel.gif (2008)  angel3.gif (2012)

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#18 of 262 Old 10-28-2008, 11:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Gosh I forgot to do this yesterday! Okay, here is my beautiful thing for yesterday which was a hard day because it was actually Josie's due date - a fact that kept throwing my brain into the "what? my baby isn't here?" mode that is so confusing and quite debilitating. So for that reason I was quite low when I woke up.

Well Harry came back at 12 for lunch and just came and gave me the nicest cuddle and asked how I was - when I could only shake my head and sit, he gathered it was not a good day and sat next to me on the bed and put his arm around me and we just sat for a while.

Well, that gave me a boost, and in the afternoon I drove all the way to Mankato and my mum and I went to several stores and I almost remembered everything! The most beautiful thing about that was that I went to a music store and got excited about finding two CDs - I got excited about listening to music and feeling pleasure from it for about the first time since Josie died.

Also, I noticed that despite several frosts, our three daisy plants outside are still re-blooming pink, white and purple in the front yard. I will have to take a picture because they came back even bigger and more beautiful than when we planted them!

Hugs to everyone!

Mama to Josie , lost 10/10/08 at 37.4 weeks .
and my rainbow baby, Isobella Mai ...born 1/12/2010 ! in profile...
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#19 of 262 Old 10-28-2008, 03:24 PM
 
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DInners are definately helping us. It is amazing how much stress and free time is involved in food prep...even when you typically enjoy that task. I have been able to spend the extra time, relaxing, and being WITH the kids more. This has helped keep everything much more even in our lives. Everytime someone brings us food it is a BEAUTIFUL day.


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For today..
our friends having us over for a yummy dinner
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#20 of 262 Old 10-28-2008, 09:03 PM
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Today - playing at an indoor slide place with DD... I went down the slides lots and had so much fun chasing her around the obstacle course. Then I tried Bosu ball aerobic class and that was fun too.. not really beautiful, but fun!

Shannon Shaun - DH (and boyfriend since I was 16). my sweet Gwen 1/1/06 missing Dresden born sleeping 39 weeks 9/9/08 :, Delaney is scheduled to arrive 8/31/09 Odin&Loki :
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#21 of 262 Old 10-28-2008, 09:07 PM
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sorry your yesterday sucked Jayjay... those anniversary type days are hard. Today is 7 weeks for Dresden... and this morning (via email) I found out that my friend had her baby girl yesterday - I'm happy for them of course, but cried while reading the stats and looking at her picture.. it's so hard that these other babies are here and ours isn't.
It sounds like you have an amazing support system and I really think that makes all the difference in how we heal. Hugs!

Shannon Shaun - DH (and boyfriend since I was 16). my sweet Gwen 1/1/06 missing Dresden born sleeping 39 weeks 9/9/08 :, Delaney is scheduled to arrive 8/31/09 Odin&Loki :
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#22 of 262 Old 10-28-2008, 11:54 PM
 
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Mamagrove & JayJay... sorry you've been having rough days.
I haven't been up to working on Teddy's halloween costume... couldn't even get enthused about thinking of a costume, let alone making one. Today I asked what he wanted to be and he said, delightedly, 'beeboo!' Which means blueberry.
So I got one of my blue tshirts and put it on him, started gathering the bottom and rolling under the sleeves, and stuffed some tissue paper in it. He was totally thrilled. I mean, it's just a blue t-shirt! Thankfully, it doesn't take that much to delight a two-year-old. When I was putting him to bed tonight, a tiny voice out of the dark said 'mommy look hat!' ... reminding me to look for a hat to sew some leaves onto.
I still think he is going to be an awesome older brother someday.

doula mom to a fantastic 3-year-old dirt-lover , Yeshuel, m/c at 10wks 10/6/08 , and Alan born 10/7/09
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#23 of 262 Old 10-29-2008, 12:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, my beautiful thing for today was...well many things!

I found some canvases (complete and stretched) on sale at Micheal's for 40% off, and bought them - big ones - total price $23 - so now I can paint to my heart's content.

Also, my father asked about my music and he wanted all my newer stuff, and reckoned maybe I could make money from it. The song on the Josie site is me, you see - I make music. Well, that was nice. My Dad's a musician and he's very supportive, so we'll see. Listening to the music again really lifted me up, so that was nice.

And Harry made a beautiful pork roast - that was wonderful and my mum really enjoyed it!

Mama to Josie , lost 10/10/08 at 37.4 weeks .
and my rainbow baby, Isobella Mai ...born 1/12/2010 ! in profile...
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#24 of 262 Old 10-29-2008, 06:38 PM
 
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JayJay, I'm so pleased that your creativity is resurfacing ... I definitely think it's a way through this. I make cards and have had my card making kit out a few times since losing Emma. The brief escape from grief is blissful.

Okay, my day was mixed ... went out shopping alone for the first time since having Emma and it just felt wrong being out without a sling or stroller ... and it meant getting in our car which we specifically bought to accomodate 3 car seats ... we both find that hard BUT ... I realised that I could never have got out like I did 2 weeks pp after my 2 cs births. My physical healing after Emma's vbac is one beautiful thing for today (I think of it as her special gift to me).

Another, a friend from another late loss board who lost her daughter 2 years ago and has been trying to get pregnant ever since posted her pregnancy announcement ... early days yet but I feel so different about women who are pg after loss than I do about pg women in general. I'm so pleased for her.

And lastly, making birthday cards for DH with my 2 darling children. They are so cute when they're being crafty (well all the time actually )

Guess today was reasonably good!

Jill &heartbeat.gif the keepers of my heartheartbeat.gif : Dave, Ben (9/2002), Lucy (9/2004), (m/c 9/2007) Emma (born still on her due date and forever missed 10/2008) and Tobias (1/2010)grouphug.gif
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#25 of 262 Old 10-30-2008, 06:28 AM
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Carving pumpkins with friends!
Going to kickboxing class!
Having a friend from my childhoods mom coming over bringing a plant, books and love after hearing about Dresden from my sister recently.

It is so good to be loved by so many people.

Shannon Shaun - DH (and boyfriend since I was 16). my sweet Gwen 1/1/06 missing Dresden born sleeping 39 weeks 9/9/08 :, Delaney is scheduled to arrive 8/31/09 Odin&Loki :
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#26 of 262 Old 10-30-2008, 02:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We went to Harmony yesterday - me, my mum and Harry's Ma and got so many lovely thing like elderberry jelly and even sorgham (Harry always wanted some). We had a lovely lunch in a cafe - chicken breast with sauteed mushrooms and onions over wild rice, and then a strawberry cheesecake so good afterward that I actually dreamt about it last night!

Our midwife came over then, after that (once we were home) and we had a nice cup of tea and a conversation and I gave her some of our apples.

Probably the most visually beautiful thing yesterday was the scene my mm took a photo of outside harmony - a scene looking into a valley with two or three Amish houses on either side. That was something, in the autumn colors. That was beautiful indeed!

Mama to Josie , lost 10/10/08 at 37.4 weeks .
and my rainbow baby, Isobella Mai ...born 1/12/2010 ! in profile...
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#27 of 262 Old 10-30-2008, 07:43 PM
 
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Today ... snuggling up warm and cosy indoors whilst listening to a good old fashioned thunder storm.

JayJay ... thank you for this thread. I actively look for good things in my day so that I can post them here ... that's gotta be a healthy path through this grief, right!?

Jill &heartbeat.gif the keepers of my heartheartbeat.gif : Dave, Ben (9/2002), Lucy (9/2004), (m/c 9/2007) Emma (born still on her due date and forever missed 10/2008) and Tobias (1/2010)grouphug.gif
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#28 of 262 Old 10-31-2008, 12:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well I do as well! And it does seem to make a difference. Let's see if other people join in - I think it is good therapy, like never going to sleep on an argument with you mate. Gotta forge a way ahead somehow don't we!

Today, we went and got Halloween costumes. I am going to be an Egyptian queen...very fancy!

My beautiful things for today are Aurora and Devin in their costumes. Aurora is a skeleton rock star (very cool) and Devin is a pirate (very dashing!). My mother is a witch and made me laugh with her costume. Harry is going to be a wrestler. Tomorrow we'll carve pumpkins after the kids get out of school... Hopefully it'll be mild like today, then we can walk around in costume outside. If not, we'll all hop in the car. I even managed to think about Josie in a bee costume like we'd wanted, and instead of getting upset I felt all warm inside, and full of love, and kind of felt her near. That was nice, actually.

May tomorrow bring us good weather like today...the kids are going to school in costume and they are going to look awesome!

Mama to Josie , lost 10/10/08 at 37.4 weeks .
and my rainbow baby, Isobella Mai ...born 1/12/2010 ! in profile...
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#29 of 262 Old 10-31-2008, 12:37 AM
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I'm sure Josie would have looked adorable in a bee costume! It hurts me to see the cute lil' infant costumes.. i try to avoid them.. I was just excitedly looking forward to walking the neighborhood with Dresden in my autumn leaves sling - nursing him secretly as we trick or treated! ah, my dream world!

So, my thing for today... going to a huge natural parent group halloween party! Meeting a bunch of people, eating tasty foods, chatting, watching the kids play! What can get more beautiful than that?

Shannon Shaun - DH (and boyfriend since I was 16). my sweet Gwen 1/1/06 missing Dresden born sleeping 39 weeks 9/9/08 :, Delaney is scheduled to arrive 8/31/09 Odin&Loki :
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#30 of 262 Old 10-31-2008, 10:29 AM
 
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I went to a birth yesterday (third week anniversary of my miscarriage)--it was wonderful to have such a happy memory to replace the images that have come back to me every Thursday.

doula mom to a fantastic 3-year-old dirt-lover , Yeshuel, m/c at 10wks 10/6/08 , and Alan born 10/7/09
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