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#1 of 57 Old 07-09-2004, 02:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Dh and I are are seeing a couple therapist and things are going very well, but next week she wants to have a discussion about cds and why I use them (!) since my dh isn't thrilled about them.

The thing is, dh doesn't complain at all about using them and he never puts sposies on him, even when I'm away. Why is she making such a big deal about this? Dh thinks I spend too much time doing diaper laundy (every three days?!?! is that too much??) and I guess too little time pandering to his every whim and massaging his feet.

So what can I tell her? She doesn't get it at all that its better for the environment and better for Calvin. All she sees is the added work in my admittedly busy life. But I don't complain about it, so what's the deal??

OK, so I can't admit I'm addicted to fluff. They'd have me locked up before you can say "fluffymail". What DO I say??
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#2 of 57 Old 07-09-2004, 02:50 PM
 
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That everyone needs a hobby or outlet? It's the little bit of fun you get in your very busy life and it has added benefits for Calvin?
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#3 of 57 Old 07-09-2004, 02:51 PM
 
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oh no, Lise!! That's terrible that you're stuck in this position. tell her/him it's something that is (like you said) good for the enviroment and your baby and that it's something that you enjoy. And if it isnt a sticking point btwn you and your dh than it is non-issue.
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#4 of 57 Old 07-09-2004, 02:52 PM
 
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I find it difficult to believe, as long as you are not running yourself into massive unsecured debt buying fluff, that this is an issue for couples' therapy.

It's so absurd it makes me want to laugh....but out of respect to you I will remain indignant

We are six: Me : Dh : Ds1('00) Dd('02) Ds2('05) Ds3('08) and, wow! Soon to be seven, Dd2 due 4/23.
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#5 of 57 Old 07-09-2004, 02:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm scared to say that since they'll think I'm nuts. Still, isn't that why you go to therapy?? :LOL
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#6 of 57 Old 07-09-2004, 02:53 PM
 
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I'd probably tell her we can move on to the next subject, since that one isn't a problem in your marraige.
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#7 of 57 Old 07-09-2004, 02:53 PM
 
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I think you tell the truth. You like cloth diapers for environmental and health reasons, and the health of your child and the earth are non negotiable. I suppose if your DH wanted to buy more diapers, then you would spend less time doing diaper laundry ?

Seriously though, it is NOT her job to tell you what you can and cant do, and what you should cut out of your life. It is her job to help you and your DH analyze your habits. Maybe analyzing your use of CDs wont be harmful--its not like she can make you stop using them. Good luck mama.
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#8 of 57 Old 07-09-2004, 02:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KermitMissesJim
I find it difficult to believe that, as long as you are not running yourself into massive unsecured debt buying fluff, that this is an issue for couples' therapy.

It's so absurd it makes me want to laugh....but out of respect to you I will remain indignant
Please go ahead and laugh. I can't quite believe it myself. Have I not said "what's the big deal" enough? No debt, no complaints... Maybe I should just ask WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? and see what they say.
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#9 of 57 Old 07-09-2004, 02:58 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TOmomma
Please go ahead and laugh. I can't quite believe it myself. Have I not said "what's the big deal" enough? No debt, no complaints... Maybe I should just ask WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? and see what they say.

Whew, thanks! Holding that indignant face was hard.... :

We are six: Me : Dh : Ds1('00) Dd('02) Ds2('05) Ds3('08) and, wow! Soon to be seven, Dd2 due 4/23.
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#10 of 57 Old 07-09-2004, 02:59 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KermitMissesJim
I find it difficult to believe, as long as you are not running yourself into massive unsecured debt buying fluff, that this is an issue for couples' therapy.

It's so absurd it makes me want to laugh....but out of respect to you I will remain indignant
this is exactly what I thought when I read the OP.
I'd honestly say 'back off' when it comes to this. Like someone else said..unless its something obsessive, like its ALL you talk about, diaper laundry is ALL you do, or you spend ALL your money on it...then its really NOT a problem. It only benefits your baby.

for you to have to deal with that crap!
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#11 of 57 Old 07-09-2004, 03:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yeah, I should put something in my siggy line that you can laugh at everything I say without repercussions. Hey, if you can't laugh at yourself...

And I'm glad of the opinions here, since BACK OFF was my intital response. I think I'll stick with that (in a non-threatening manner, of course :LOL)
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#12 of 57 Old 07-09-2004, 03:10 PM
 
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Do you carry your diapers down to the lake to wash them by hand on one of those scraper board thingy's? Does it take up your whole afternoon?

Seriously though? It doesn't take more than like 15 minutes of actual "work" time when you're washing your diapers, am I right?
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#13 of 57 Old 07-09-2004, 03:12 PM
 
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If your dh really does have a problem with your cd laundry time, I'd say sure, hear him out, but let him start the dialog. Presumably there is something bothering him that he feels he needs to voice or the topic never would have come up.

Explain to him that this is a hobby that you enjoy and that cding makes you feel good about yourself for doing a "good deed." If you are feeling snarky you could ask if he has suggestions on how your could spend less time on housework overall?

You definately don't want to get in a position where this becomes a conversation about cds between you and the theripist. You are paying the theripist to listen and mediate a dialog between you and your dh.
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#14 of 57 Old 07-09-2004, 03:13 PM
 
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Good lord! Tell her to get over it. I have twins & do their laundry everyday!

When I saw your post my first thought was: "Of course she doesn't want you to cd, because then you wouldn't need her!" CD is way cheap therapy!
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#15 of 57 Old 07-09-2004, 03:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Izzybee
Do you carry your diapers down to the lake to wash them by hand on one of those scraper board thingy's? Does it take up your whole afternoon?

Seriously though? It doesn't take more than like 15 minutes of actual "work" time when you're washing your diapers, am I right?
: :

You'd think the way they carried on that it did. You're right, it doesn't take much time at all. I think it's just that the load takes longer so I'm not washing other things.
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#16 of 57 Old 07-09-2004, 03:15 PM
 
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In front of her I'd ask DH (honestly, not for show) "Is this a problem that you feel needs to be addressed by our therapist?" It may be that he feels it is. He may not.

I would say that there are chemicals in disposables that have been banned from tampons, and you just can't see putting that chemical near your child's bum. This gel rave is relatively new- what are the long term affects going to be?

They are far superior for the environment, and that brings you satisfaction. Any little thing you can individually do to lower your impact on the the earth is a good thing.

In your busy world, it feels good to take a step back to use and clean your own cloth. It brings a sense of accomplishment to know you are able to do something that takes so little time that has such great benefits.

Honestly, I think the idea that cloth diapers should be discussed during therapy pretty laughable. *they are diapers* move on! I don't know much about the stalking world, or if you're there... but if you are it may be your DH doesn't have a problem in the world with CDing, but rather with the amount of time spent on the computer stalking or talking about it (again- you may not- I'm just throwing out a maybe) My DH and I had to work out some issues there. He used to get so irritated when I was online. I guess he felt we should be doing something together instead of me off on the computer somewhere. The therapist may have picked something up there, I don't know. He always felt like I was sharing my interests with any & every one else... but he didn't get my interests so he didn't really want to share them, just wanted to share *something* with me i guess. There may be some underlying issues that aren't really about CDing at all.... just like our issues weren't about the internet at all. If you trust this therapist, give her some room to show you where she is going with this.

I *love* my DH's therapist, she is who we see when we want to talk marital issues out. My therapist is cool- but his rocks. She is a vegan, earth friendly, natural woman. She totally gets my AP ideals, and has really helped me balance them out to be attached family ideals. She thinks it rocks that I cloth diaper. I love her, wish I could se her but DH had her first. :LOL
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#17 of 57 Old 07-09-2004, 03:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by natashaccat
If your dh really does have a problem with your cd laundry time, I'd say sure, hear him out, but let him start the dialog. Presumably there is something bothering him that he feels he needs to voice or the topic never would have come up.

Explain to him that this is a hobby that you enjoy and that cding makes you feel good about yourself for doing a "good deed." If you are feeling snarky you could ask if he has suggestions on how your could spend less time on housework overall?

You definately don't want to get in a position where this becomes a conversation about cds between you and the theripist. You are paying the theripist to listen and mediate a dialog between you and your dh.
Excellent points and I will remember that. I don't have to justify myself to her, or even to dh, but I do have to listen to what dh has to say.
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#18 of 57 Old 07-09-2004, 03:20 PM
 
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Like others in this thread, CD seems like too minor an issue for couple's therapy, especially as it isn't bothering your husband. What I tell people when they seem shocked that I would invite extra work upon myself is, "diapering is one of those parts of mothering that can become so mundane and feel like a heavy chore. Soft, pretty diapers dresses it up a bit and helps it become a brighter part of the day, which makes me a happier mom."

CD as therapy.
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#19 of 57 Old 07-09-2004, 03:28 PM
 
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If your dh complains that you spend too much time doing diaper laundry, then he can share the responsibility and do some, too!
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#20 of 57 Old 07-09-2004, 03:30 PM
 
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"diapering is one of those parts of mothering that can become so mundane and feel like a heavy chore. Soft, pretty diapers dresses it up a bit and helps it become a brighter part of the day, which makes me a happier mom."
I like that
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#21 of 57 Old 07-09-2004, 03:30 PM
 
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Maybe I'm missing something, but why are cd's even an issue with her? It takes less time to put them in the washing machine than it takes to unload a sposie sausage from the diaper genie and drag it down the hall to the trash, then to the curb. (Well it does in our house anyway... neither of us liked emptying the genie so those sausages would be piled up until one of us caved yet another reason we went to cloth)

Anyway, are any other household chores going to be discussed? ie: other laundry, spending too much time doing dishes? I don't get it. I'm not trying to poke fun I swear, I don't get it.

mum to a crew...
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#22 of 57 Old 07-09-2004, 03:32 PM
 
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Am I the only one who would find another therapist?

Seriously? I mean why devote a session to cloth diapers if you are talking to someone who feels they have no benefit? You will both be biased.

I'm interested really to see if your DH thinks it is a problem. If he agrees they are for the best, then what is the problem?
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#23 of 57 Old 07-09-2004, 03:39 PM
 
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I'm a therapist, and I'm puzzled as to how this would come up in a session. Are your other parenting choices being discussed, too? Have you been discussing a lack of time together, disagreements about how money is spent, or your DH's jealousy of the time you spend on the baby? Even then, as a pp said, it's not as if you're out by the stream beating the diapers on a rock. It's really not that time-consuming.

I just find it strange. You have every right to ask the therapist to clarify why she wants to pursue this line of questioning. Like so many people, she just might not understand CDing and assume there's more to it than there is. If she doesn't have a clear reason, tell her you are there for couples' therapy and that your choices as to what you put on your babe's bum, feet or head are not up for analysis.
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#24 of 57 Old 07-09-2004, 03:44 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TOmomma
Why is she making such a big deal about this?
GUILT! Dh & I went to a therapist, once. Basically our discussions were centering around Dh's stress and so that moved to the topic of me going back to work and I said how I didn't want Ds in daycare with "those kinds of kids." Okay, no not exactly a PC thing to say (I don't mean to offend anyone, I am sure there are lots of lovely sweet children in very nice loving daycares), but HELLO?! I was new to this therapy thing but I didn't realize one needed to watch what they say in sessions and censor themselves to the therapist. The woman JUMPED ALL OVER me about daycare and what's wrong with it? And what did I mean by that!? Totally getting all pissy and argumentative. I thought since she had to be in her 50's or 60's I was safe being candid about it. Guess not. Let's just say we didn't go back! So anyway, I decided she must have her kids or grandkids in daycare or something. She went way overboard. So my guess is that not all therapists can remain neutral and keep their personal opinions out. The funny thing was that DH had been afraid by seeing a female they would be on my side about everything.
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#25 of 57 Old 07-09-2004, 03:52 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bluey
Maybe I'm missing something, but why are cd's even an issue with her?
Because she's never heard of anyone using cloth, she thinks it's some weird fringe thing that needs to be "investigated".

For this reason, I wouldn't go into how it's a hobby, since she totally won't get that. I would do as many others have suggested, and very simply say it's better for the environment, better for baby, and the wonderful feel of cotton makes the chore of diapering much for positive for both you and baby. Ask DH if he has an issue with it, and since he probably doesn't, you can then move on. I see this as her issue, not anyone else's, so you may have to both say "it's diapers, for goodness sake, can we move on??!".

Sigh.
-Kimberly
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#26 of 57 Old 07-09-2004, 03:57 PM
 
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Um yeah, I agree that it's weird. I could see a point in discussing it if diapers were affecting your ability to function or something but otherwise it seems like a massive non-issue. I think there are 2 possible issues at play: 1. She is not supportive of the AP lifestyle. My very fist therapist ever was fired after one visit because she trashed every single parenting value I have from cding to co-sleeping. For some reason some people just cannot abide by people APing. This woman actually told me all of her clients are clients because they slept with their parents and that my kids would be her clients someday as well. Bye-bye. and 2. She is feeling either guilty that she did not cd or like you are partaking in something crazy. Either way, she does not understand what cding is about.

I would simply say, "I cloth diaper for the health of my baby and the planet and I am not going to discuss this further."

I'm curious to hear what she has to say about it though!

Amy: Certified Professional Midwife and mom to Max (11) and Stella (6).
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#27 of 57 Old 07-09-2004, 03:59 PM
 
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Seriously, unless there is a *very* logical reason, I wouldn't even discuss it. Not even to give her the great reasons for using CDs. You are probably paying quite a lot of money for those sessions, and you should spend them discussing the things that are of critical importance to your relationship. You might print off some info on CD to leave with her, but don't spend your precious therapy session educating someone else. :
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#28 of 57 Old 07-09-2004, 04:01 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jellyfishy
I'm a therapist, and I'm puzzled as to how this would come up in a session. Are your other parenting choices being discussed, too? Have you been discussing a lack of time together, disagreements about how money is spent, or your DH's jealousy of the time you spend on the baby? Even then, as a pp said, it's not as if you're out by the stream beating the diapers on a rock. It's really not that time-consuming.

I just find it strange. You have every right to ask the therapist to clarify why she wants to pursue this line of questioning. Like so many people, she just might not understand CDing and assume there's more to it than there is. If she doesn't have a clear reason, tell her you are there for couples' therapy and that your choices as to what you put on your babe's bum, feet or head are not up for analysis.
I'm amazed by this as well! How does she even know that you use cloth diapers? I'm assuming that your dc doesn't go to the sessions with you.

I don't really think it's a therapist's business to discuss parenting choices unless that's something that has been brought to the table as something one (or both) of you needs to discuss. I do see how it could come up as an issue for partners if it's about money or if they are at conflict over these things...but again it would have to be something that was brought up to the therapist.

Sorry, but I don't even think it's my Peds business how I diaper my child and it would never come up unless I brought it up.

Ok now I'm off to have a really good laugh!
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#29 of 57 Old 07-09-2004, 04:03 PM
 
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now see that would PISS Me off
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#30 of 57 Old 07-09-2004, 04:03 PM
 
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I would tell the therapist that she needs some therapy for even bringing it up!!!!

I know my DH gets a little jealous of the time I spend on the boards sometimes but I make it up to him........that's cheap therapy:LOL
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