Thanks again everyone for your responses.
>>She may not have the answers you seek, and she may never respond. Or she may be processing as well and be determining how best to respond (maybe she's not ready.) But you may have to begin processing and grieving your loss without her. Doula work can be so empowering and very healing. It seems many of us find healing for our own birth wounds by supporting other women. The book Birthing From Within was a great resource for me when I began doula/cbe work. What Pam wrote really rang true with me and helped me to ask deep questions and begin my own healing process. I hope you can connect with other doulas in your area to relate to as well. We're out there and we love to share birth stories and encouragement with each other.
I am trying to come with terms that she may never respond. Which is kind of funny because when I left to move she told me that she would be my midwife for my next home birth when the time comes. I was blown away since I live in Washington now and shes in California, but she said she would come and stay a month with me if thats what it takes. I guess she has either changed her mind, wasn't serious, or is just way too busy to even think about me right now. I also think that she may be processing the letter. I have already begun processing the birth, the letter and the questions were a part of the process. As for grieving, I think I am beyond that, or close at least.
The funny thing is she called me a couple months after I moved here and check on me. So I know she cares. At the time I was dealing with my fathers death. So, processing my birth and getting to the point where I knew which questions I wanted to ask her took longer than I wanted. I'm starting to think that she was really busy and then received a very hard letter to read. I just wish she would let me know she got it. I'm scared to call after getting no response to it though. Then in the back of my mind I'm thinking what if she didn't even get it????
Thanks for suggesting birthing from within. I haven't read it yet, but I'm going to order it and read it next. I'm very involved in the birth community in my area and just started my doula business, I haven't had any of my own clients yet though. There is only one other doula in the area, and she took a couple births and then decided that shes not going to work for a while longer since shes not sure she wants to do the work. I am associated with LLL and ICAN, and attend both of their meetings, even though that means driving a long distance for the ICAN.
I'm doing all I can to heal. This was just one of my concluding steps that I knew might not work out. I just really thought it would be okay with her to help me a little. I feel like I need to know why she stopped trusting me. I need her to validate that my body worked fine and that it didn't fail me, but I failed it by making the choice I did. I would like to hear her say that she wishes she would have suggested other things for me and not just the c-section. I can admit I made a wrong decision and I didn't know better at the time. I would like her to come clean as well. Whatever it was, I can take the answer as long as its truthful. I'm ready to move on. I looks like I'm going to have to with our without her answers anyways.
Thanks for your support, insight, and kind words. I am thankful.
I didn't think of that but I don't think it's something I want to do. I think that she will come around. I guess I'm just going to have to get the guts up to call her and accept whatever I'm dealt back. It's scary thought!
Okay I'm off to take care of some things, I'm really busy right now, can you guys tell? LOL thanks for all the help!!!!