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#1 of 13 Old 11-26-2008, 02:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#2 of 13 Old 11-26-2008, 06:44 AM
 
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the key is how both of you are willing to work with each other. do you trust him? do you feel he will be kind and understanding to you?

if he cooperates and you separate on a good note - then everything will work out. if you are thinking of going for a divorce talk with ex and see what he is willing to do.

my ex didnt take dd overnights till she was 3 years old. and we did it gradually and slowly too. he wasnt good with babies.

if your ex is going to coparent then you dont really have to worry. the children adjust to two homes and two lifestyles v. well. my dd at 6 is still nursing and cosleeping.

whatever the two of you decide anything can be done. you can pump and give him bottles.

my concern at the moment would be how are you going to manage being pregnant with a toddler and living by yourself?

do you think you could manage it?


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#3 of 13 Old 11-26-2008, 06:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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the key is how both of you are willing to work with each other. do you trust him? do you feel he will be kind and understanding to you?

if he cooperates and you separate on a good note - then everything will work out. if you are thinking of going for a divorce talk with ex and see what he is willing to do.

my ex didnt take dd overnights till she was 3 years old. and we did it gradually and slowly too. he wasnt good with babies.

if your ex is going to coparent then you dont really have to worry. the children adjust to two homes and two lifestyles v. well. my dd at 6 is still nursing and cosleeping.

whatever the two of you decide anything can be done. you can pump and give him bottles.

my concern at the moment would be how are you going to manage being pregnant with a toddler and living by yourself?

do you think you could manage it?

I trust him, but I don't know that he will be kind and understanding towards me.

I want us to have full joint legal and parental custody, but I do fear that he will turn into a crazy person (like his brother did) and try to get sole custody, even though he really has no grounds for it. The only thing I see that he could cause an issue about is that I smoke(d) cigarettes, but never around DS, ever... however, that's legal, but I live in Utah so you never know.

I could manage DS and pregnancy, and I am sure he would be more than willing to take DS at every opportunity, and I have lots of good friends who would support this decision and wouldn't mind helping out sometimes.

I am mostly concerned about the new baby.. I want him and LO#2 to be close, and bond.. but I don't see how when we won't be in the same house for the newborn time. I didn't recover until about 6 weeks last time, and I wouldn't want him to take LO#2 over night for at least the first 2-3 months.
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#4 of 13 Old 11-27-2008, 01:08 AM
 
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Take a deep breath...
You've got a lot to put in order both physically and emotionally. Be very careful about 'control freaks'. As you saw with your BIL, their worst psych issues can control everything.
You might want to consult a trusted friend or a therapist to help you put your own issues in order and to be clear about what you want / need.
And you'll also want to consult a few attorneys about best and worst case scenarios.
As difficult as it is to stay, you'll be best off putting some things over the next week or two in order so that you can do what's best for you and your LOs.
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#5 of 13 Old 11-27-2008, 01:11 AM
 
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i would be concerned about the control issues and whether his need to control will influence the way he deals with a separation. for instance will he try to get sole custody just because he is controlling. obviously these things are hard to predict but thinking about the possibilities is always good.
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#6 of 13 Old 11-27-2008, 03:31 AM
 
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I am mostly concerned about the new baby.. I want him and LO#2 to be close, and bond.. but I don't see how when we won't be in the same house for the newborn time.
so are you concerned that ur new baby and daddy wont bond because they would not be spending that much time together?

you know i think bonding is a little overrated. we seem to put so much stress on the what ifs. even from prenatal time. what happens if daddy doesnt read to baby.

i would not worry about that. children are v. v. resilient. and truly bonding doesnt depend on the quantity or quality of time. my ex didnt start even 30% of time with my dd till she was 3 they are bonded. before 3 he struggled to bond with her.

if ur dh wants to bond - whether he does it at 3 months old or 3 years old - the need will make them bond.

things are really bad between ex and i. but we both hold the best interest for our dd. so we have been able to work together despite our differences to make sure the transition for our dd is not so traumatic for her.

the key is listen to your heart mama. listen to your heart. dont worry about the rest. it will always work out.

my mom has always told me - take care of yourself first. you come first before baby. and i notice how much wisdom there is in that saying. a happy content mama means a happy content baby.

if this is your major concern and ur heart tells you you need to stay together till baby is at least 6 months old then you will do so. but if it is absolutely intolerable then you cannot stay - no matter what it means to ur dd. but only you will know this and no one else.

it is going to be one of the most difficult decision you make. and yet in a way the easiest.

i know you could have left before you got pregnant - but then this little one wouldnt be a possibility. you would have missed out on this blessing. this little one is going to make life more challenging for you - and in the process make it even more meaningful.

right now dont worry about the what if's. they serve no purpose. just cause for more worry and fear. just focus on putting one foot in front of the other and move forward. and things will work out.

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#7 of 13 Old 11-27-2008, 08:05 AM
 
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I agree, you wouldn't have this second baby if you had split up with your husband before. You are truly blessed to have 2 children, and for them each to have a sibling
Whether you have one with this guy or 2 doesn't change the fact you have a life-long connection with him now, adding a second child won't change that because it's already there with your first child.

Are breastfeeding and co-sleeping important to him aswell? If they are, he should be more than understanding and willing for you to keep the baby most of the time -especially over-night.

Also he might be overwhelmed with 2 lo's and want to spend time with each of them seperately, which might help bonding with the second child if it's just the two of them together at times.

I'm sure it will be harder with 2 dc than 1 as a single parent, I hope you have support around you from family and friends, that is so SO important just knowing people are there for you and will help you out when/if you need it.

Have you thought about how you will manage financially once you leave him?
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#8 of 13 Old 11-28-2008, 02:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Have you thought about how you will manage financially once you leave him?
I'm only working 10 hrs a week right now. After this semester is over, I will have to find another PT job.. I can't quit the 10/h one I have.. it is too important for me to continue to work there. I have to finish out the school year, but I don't plan on going FT next semester like I have been.

My friend is going to let me rent out a room at her house for LO and I until I get on my feet- if I need it- for pretty cheap, and we're getting food stamps already so I can also contribute to the food in the house.

Thanks for your advice! Please keep it coming..
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#9 of 13 Old 11-28-2008, 02:21 PM
 
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i would definitely contact a lawyer before deciding anything. and also, even though your husband may be agreeable with your suggestions when you first dump him, it's very likely he will end up being not so agreeable when the ball gets rolling.

there are no guarantees what will happen with the kids unless the two of you can hash it out and agree to everything. i have heard horror stories from people i know about what the judge orders when it comes to little ones - even where breastfeeding and co-sleeping are involved. i knew a woman whose husband had nothing to do with their baby to the baby (he left when they were pregnant) for almost a year, he went to a judge and was granted week-ends and a 2 week visit in the summer even though the dad was a stranger (the mom was beside herself as you can imagine)!

my sister was a stay at home mom with her kids and her ex ended up getting sole custody (by breaching a joint custody order and keeping them away from her long enough that by the time they went to court, the judge said the kids have been mainly with the dad so they should stay with him). i think with courts it's wise to know that anything can happen and not rely on them to protect you or your kids.

i also tend to think that joint physical custody is really hard on the little ones. if you are even remotely worried about any control issues, i would stay away from any kind of joint custody.

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#10 of 13 Old 11-28-2008, 03:52 PM
 
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from what i've heard, you can go for sole custody easily in UT and then have STBX take the kids as you desire. THAT's what I would do.

Especially for issues like homeschooling, nonvaxxing, etc. It makes a HUGE difference. PLUS, what if you ever want to move away from Utah? Really, think about it.
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#11 of 13 Old 11-28-2008, 07:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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wow, I had no idea! Thanks again for the good advice!

Is there a way to get a good lawyer without having any money? Neither of us make anything.. well not a lot of anything, anyway...
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#12 of 13 Old 11-28-2008, 07:31 PM
 
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Yes, there is something... it may not be the best advice, though. It is available to low income people. Legal Aid, i think it's called. I think it is students and volunteers who help with your cases. You may as well try it.

If possible, I'd put it on a credit card and see a lawyer. AT all costs, keep this consultation from your STBX and then you can go ahead with mediation knowing what your rights are and what the possibilities/utah customs are. if your sTBx finds out that you've seen a lawyer, i guarantee that he'll start feeling uncomfortable and want to have consultation for himself. The very con side to this is that the lawyer will most likely want to work up a *real* battle for STBX -otherwise the lawyer would only be getting a little work out of it!

There are a bunch of books at the library about how to *do* a divorce that's not contentious. Read them.
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#13 of 13 Old 11-29-2008, 10:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Umm.. I don't have a credit card either. I will call Legal Aid and see if they can help.. and I might ask around for friends who have lawyer connections.
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