December dating thread!!! - Page 3 - Mothering Forums
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#61 of 265 Old 12-07-2008, 02:03 PM
 
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Seie thanks for your input I really value everyone's opinions here since I can't really talk to anyone offline about it. One friend knows I'm seeing him, but im not that close with her that I can discuss all the ins and outs about it. Glad things are going well with your man.

DanishMom im doing okay, thanks for asking, I've actually made plans with my mom for tomorrow morning to go out to buy something we need this week and it's her only free day off work, so I won't be able to go out with this guy tomorrow, it will have to be tuesday.

I think he'll appreciate it more if I contact him when I know I can talk, yesterday he also told me to text him when I want to talk to him so it isn't always him making the first move for contact. So after DS is in bed tonight Im going to text him and hopefully he will be able to take a quick break at work to phone me, and I'll tell him I can't make it tomorrow, explain why, and see if it's okay to meet up tuesday instead.

It's pretty frustrating to me because I've been single for 6 years, and never really dated before that either, so I have no idea what it's really supposed to be like when you find the right person yk? If someone wants to explain that to me, plz do!

I don't know if maybe I'm being too fussy, I tend to be that way, and with all the anxiety inside me normally its making it worse. He's a nice guy, he's pretty cute, seems to have a kind heart and being a single mom doesn't seem to bother him, he always asks how DS is -which is nice of him and quite sweet, but I am finding it a bit intense. He hasn't been phoning me as much as before, and I'm getting more used to talking to him. I don't know if it's just me who has the problem, it might be nothing to do with him. I'm the one with anxiety, social anxiety too, haven't ever been in a real relationship etc....so it seems like all my issues are to do with myself and not really him. -Am I making any sense?

I have made a post in the single parenting forum asking how you know if a guy is right for you and your child where I mentioned some specific concerns I have about him, if you wouldn't mind reading and replying your thoughts in there.
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#62 of 265 Old 12-07-2008, 03:06 PM
 
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#63 of 265 Old 12-07-2008, 03:40 PM
 
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So.. I am lurking in this thread, but I'm not ready to date yet (just barely separating).. when is it OK to date other people again? I am certainly not ready right now, but how long did you wait after your separation-leading up to divorce?
I think you will find that everyone's experience/journey is different.

Personally, I needed some time to sort through my 'stuff' and feel strong, confident and, most importantly, happy on my own.

I dated one guy about 4 months after my X walked and it just felt so complicated, pushed and uncomfortable that I knew I just wasn't ready.

About a year or so later, I decided to jump back in the pool and really started to enjoy myself.

You will know when you are ready... listen to your intuition and you will never go wrong.
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#64 of 265 Old 12-07-2008, 06:34 PM
 
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i too have been lurking and wondering when i will feel it's right, ZARAMAMA.
stbx walk out in sept, so i'm thinking i'm going to give myself at least 6 months and then take it slowly. i'm afraid i'll jump in too quick and get too attached too soon, etc... i know i'm going to have serious trust issues! i know it's not fair for the "new guy" to pay for the things stbx did to me, but i know i'll have a hard time. that's why i'm giving myself AT LEAST 6 months to hopefully work through my issues so i can go at a new relationship without all the emotional baggage from my marriage.

solo-student-mama to 3 crazy kiddos
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#65 of 265 Old 12-07-2008, 07:06 PM
 
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When it feels right, you'll know.

Sometimes we go into relationships for a short time and the experiences help us move forward. Sometimes we do the work ourselves and then enter relationships. Every relationship has something to offer us and is valuable and important in our journey. When you feel it's time, it's probably a good time to be open to possibilities.

Personally, I don't date anyone who hasn't been out of their marriage/relationship for at least 1 yr - 18 months. People need time to heal, people need time to move on and create a new life, people sometimes benefit from dating casually for awhile. I have set this standard for myself because I'm looking for long term, I know very clearly what I want and someone who's just out of a relationship isn't in the place I want them to be. That's just my personal choice.
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#66 of 265 Old 12-08-2008, 04:44 AM
 
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this is a link to the thread I would really like some more replies to, if you can.

http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1009362

I text him last night saying we were at home and DS was in bed and asked him to phone me when he could, he text back he would call in 30 mins.

It was kinda funny because he phoned me as he was leaving his friends house and was getting into his car, so we spoke for a few seconds then he said he would call me back soon as he was about to drive home, so I thought (didn't say) -why didn't he just call me when he got home in the first place? LOL

Anyway we had a good chat on the phone, DS interrupted us once as he wasn't well and woke up, it was okay though he phoned me back in 20 minutes, DS was still up but I said it was okay and I could talk (DS was watching tv), so yeah we had a good chat, it was nice. He was okay about not seeing me on monday and doing it tuesday instead.

QuestionWhen is it usual to bring up a conversation about past partners/relationships? Because we have discussed that very briefly the second time we met up, and he brought it up last night and wanted to know all about how I met a past boyfriend, why we broke up, etc etc. I didn't ask him about his past girlfriends, but I am wanting to know a bit, is it too soon to ask him or is it ok since he already has asked me?
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#67 of 265 Old 12-08-2008, 09:52 AM
 
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How are you doing Marissa? I hope everything is going the way you want them to.
Thank you, DanishMom! It comes down to the fact that we are both still completely in love with the other and want to be together. I am perfectly willing to admit that it is my own insecurity that is holding us back - not inecurity that he loves me, because I know he does, but insecurity that we are going to be able to get to a place where we can all be happy. I know marriage is not a big deal to a lot of peope here, and sometimes I wish I felt that way, but to me it is just a fundamental part of who I am, and we will have to get that figured out together somehow for me to truly be happy on a spiritual and emotional level. Ultimately we both want that, it's just a question of whether or not we can get the timing worked out in a way that satisfies us both.

Thank you again for asking about me!
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#68 of 265 Old 12-08-2008, 10:10 AM
 
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Marissa: Thoughts from me Finding a man you love and have him love you back is a big deal. I hope you can get the rest figured out!

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#69 of 265 Old 12-08-2008, 10:54 AM
 
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Marissa: Thoughts from me Finding a man you love and have him love you back is a big deal. I hope you can get the rest figured out!
Me too!
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#70 of 265 Old 12-08-2008, 11:42 AM
 
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I'm sorry that you have such negative anticipations about your future. I'm guessing it's the result of the emotional abuse your ex put you through. I know I've been dealing with the same problem. It is NOT weird that someone is into you and you deserve to be happy with a partner.
Meant to say that I am happy to have someone worry for me. I am not sure I think that way as a result of abuse - partly maybe - its just - when it comes to love I never really had much luck. I always considered myself to have a good selfesteem. I am very confident on so many levels - but when it comes to love then I have fallen in love so many times and had my heart broken every.single.time! Actually that is very much the reason I ended up in an abusive relationship in the first place. I had been hurt so many times and finally found a man who seemed into me, who seemed stable (yeah right), had a good job and was ready for the lots- kids, house etc - everything I was hoping for. So I settled with someone I wasnt really in love with because we "got along so well" to begin with. The abuse came slowly after that - long story..

So that is pretty much why I am worrying so much right now. This just seems too good to be true. I actually told him so and he asked me why I was thinking that. So I said - I have never been lucky when it comes to love. His answer was "Niether of us have been lucky when it comes to love". So perhaps its our turn to be lucky now? I sure hope so..

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#71 of 265 Old 12-08-2008, 11:53 AM
 
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Meant to say that I am happy to have someone worry for me. I am not sure I think that way as a result of abuse - partly maybe - its just - when it comes to love I never really had much luck. I always considered myself to have a good selfesteem. I am very confident on so many levels - but when it comes to love then I have fallen in love so many times and had my heart broken every.single.time! Actually that is very much the reason I ended up in an abusive relationship in the first place. I had been hurt so many times and finally found a man who seemed into me, who seemed stable (yeah right), had a good job and was ready for the lots- kids, house etc - everything I was hoping for. So I settled with someone I wasnt really in love with because we "got along so well" to begin with. The abuse came slowly after that - long story..
Wow Seie: The exact same thing happened to me when I met my XH. I'm happy to report that it seems like I can get lucky - I've been with my DP for three years and things are great. I just wanted to tell you that you DO deserve to be happy in case you were doubting yourself. I'm glad you are not. It seems like be both know that a lot of Danish men aren't good enough - well at least it seems to apply to most of the guys we have been with. Negative experiences really can make it very hard to date and relax in a relationship. I'm glad you can talk to your boyfriend (is it too early to use that term?) and share your feelings.
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#72 of 265 Old 12-09-2008, 09:59 AM
 
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(Posted this in single parenting but wanted to share with the dating ladies too )

First kiss in 6 years!
Yep I can't quite believe it myself

We have been talking and texting on the phone almost daily for 3 weeks now, and have met up 3 times (once a week) to go for a short walk with my dog.

The first "date" we kissed cheeks at the end of it. The second time we hugged upon greeting and leaving eachother, we held hands and walked with our arms round eachother. The third time (today), we hugged, held hands, walked with arms round eachother, and then about halfway through the walk he kissed me!

It was just a quick kiss on the lips, but it felt good! A few minutes later he kissed me again and tried to put his tongue in my mouth which I didn't like, but kinda went with it anyway : -I've never liked that "full-on" type kissing though....is that weird? I know most people like it but I know some who also don't. Thankfully he only did it once, maybe he knew I wasn't into it? Then he kissed me on the lips once more before we left eachother.

I liked the kisses on the lips, but I honestly don't enjoy the mouth kissing at all, what should I do about that? Not all couples kiss that way, maybe we can be one of those couples who only do that kind of kissing in the bedroom or something?? Im totally confused and not sure how to handle it. Since we only did it once, maybe I will like it the more we do it and the more I get used to doing it? -It's been so long since that happened to me, but I can remember I never really enjoyed it in the past either.

Any advice or thoughts on this subject? Do you ladies like that or not?

Next week we are going on our first REAL date, actually out somewhere....to the cinema
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#73 of 265 Old 12-09-2008, 10:43 AM
 
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Anne: Congratulations! I think it is a good sign that you liked the kiss. However mouth kissing can be very intimate to some - it is to me. I loooove it but I might feel a bit overwhelmed the first time but NOT in a bad way.

I you really don't like it perhaps you could tell him how much you love the kisses on the lips but to wait for bit with the mouth kissing.
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#74 of 265 Old 12-09-2008, 04:56 PM
 
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Wow Seie: The exact same thing happened to me when I met my XH. .
Um, that's exactly what happened to me when I got married to my abusive ex-husband. We should start a club.

Um, can I join in here?

My intro.... I'm an American living in Scandinavia and left my STBXH of six years (everything will be final and irrevocable in a couple of months) last summer, and now I'm in the midst of a terrible, terrible custody battle for my 2 sons, and my life pretty much sucks and I'm mostly alone this winter.

But the reason I wanted to join in here is that I inadvertently, and in the midst of the worst time in my life, met someone.

I've read everyone else's posts and Avani's situation just breaks my heart to pieces, especially after hearing about her past troubles on my marital-woes-thread, and getting such empathy from her, many months ago.... She deserved so much better the next time she put her heart out there. Avani, I PM'd you and I hope to hear from you and would love to offer long-distance support as much as you'd like to have from me.

Anne2008 what happened with the 'i love you' stuff?? That worries me more than not liking to french kiss with him.

Marissa, can you briefly fill me in on the marriage stumbling block thing? It's fine if it's not my business.

AKA_PI, what's up with the older guy? You *are* into him now, but weren't before, but he's not calling? You're absolutely sure he's not actually married, right? Are you meeting IRL soon?

So many other people I want to ask questions to but I'll cut myself off for now and write more soon....
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#75 of 265 Old 12-09-2008, 05:54 PM
 
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Butterflymom: Great to see you here I am sorry the battle is still so hard and that you are still not with your babies : I hope it will get better soon!
But great to hear you getting out in the world again, putting your heart outthere already. It sounds like you met a really good guy there. I hope it stays that good. You deserve some true love

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#76 of 265 Old 12-09-2008, 06:23 PM
 
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You deserve some true love
Wise words! We need to truly believe this! I am just starting to.

It's really strange, I carried around this version of who I was in my head...high self esteem, confident, secure...but realized my whole relatings with my x were contrary to this. I never lived the way I wanted to live with him around...never had friends over because it would cause so much stress...was always tiptoeing around getting him angry, so he wouldn't leave me with two kids...again...

I am starting to believe that I'm worth something! Such a strange realization. I had such a MEAN relationship with my x (that I was not a perfect person in). Last night my bf came over, and we were kidding around about stuff, I said something that was just MEAN, about a list of stuff that was wrong with him...I don't even know what I was thinking...

Anyway, he called me on it, and I am realizing that I am walking a line of repeating past patterns that are SO destructive. I do not want a vindictive relationship, and I am just so glad he is willing to try so hard when we mess up. I am so glad he's striving for the same kind of love.

Sorry for being so sappy, but I think we all deserve this great love, and I am so glad I'm coming out of abusive patterns.:
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#77 of 265 Old 12-09-2008, 09:24 PM
 
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Im a wreck.
I cant work, cant sleep, cant think!
Im going nuts!

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#78 of 265 Old 12-10-2008, 12:10 AM
 
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Why can't this relationship stuff be more simple?

Butterflymom, I've been following your story a bit, I'm glad there is some happiness in your life right now and wish you the best.

Anne, don't like kissing? Are you sure you've ever done it right?

I was so prepared to just close the door on my old friend/long distance thing. Decided to talk to him about it some first. He's going through a lot right now, work related, also just internal dislike for himself related, etc. I got some answers from him, anyway. That he *does* feel the same way about me, he's just not in a good place right now, doesn't feel deserving of my feelings. I know he needs to work these things out before we can really *be* anything. So I'm tentatively leaving the door open, but still continuing on instead of waiting around.

I have an actual real life DATE tomorrow! It's someone I met online and I'm a bit nervous. I don't think I've been on an actual date in.. uh.. many many years! I have no idea what to wear.
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#79 of 265 Old 12-10-2008, 11:09 AM
 
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Um, Anne2008 what happened with the 'i love you' stuff?? That worries me more than not liking to french kiss with him.
Welcome butterflymom, glad you could join this thread! I can't imagine the hardship you are going through right now and I really hope you get your 2 children back as soon as possible.

What happened with the "I love you stuff" -neither of us brought it up after the fact, and he hasn't said it since then, so I think it's okay. Maybe I just misheard him, he has a strong accent...so that's a possibility.

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Anne, don't like kissing? Are you sure you've ever done it right?
Well I think so, you just open your mouth, put lips together with his and move your tongue around his....right? lol :shy
I like the gentle kissing on the lips but it just feels kind of yucky having your tongue on someone elses. My sister said she doesn't like that type of kissing either. I think im just going to try to go with it next time and hopefully get to like it as we do it more and get used to it.

Goodluck with your date! We are going on our first real one next week, actually out some place (the cinema) and im really nervous already! It's been 6 years for me.

About the whole kissing thing, do you ladies think different people kiss differently? I have kissed a few guys, and some I enjoyed it with, others I didn't. What's that all about?
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#80 of 265 Old 12-10-2008, 11:31 AM
 
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Butterflymom: Welcome. Great to have you here!

Ladies, let me add that butterflymom's boyfriend is sooooo nice! I've said hi to him on skype and listened in on their conversations. Now before you think badly of me it happened in my own living room and I have a small apartment so it was kind of unavoidable - but interesting

Anne2008: Yes I think different guys kiss differently and it can take a while to get used to. As I've said before kissing can be very intimate and if you feel a little overwhelmed by this whole thing it's very understandable that you feel the way you do about kissing.
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#81 of 265 Old 12-10-2008, 08:18 PM
 
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Seie, I'm in your boat, too.
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#82 of 265 Old 12-10-2008, 08:19 PM
 
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But great to hear you getting out in the world again, putting your heart outthere already. It sounds like you met a really good guy there. I hope it stays that good. You deserve some true love
By the way, thanks for that! What a nice thing to say!!!
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#83 of 265 Old 12-10-2008, 08:28 PM
 
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Yes, DanishMom has heard about ten hours of me & FinnishBoy chatting goofily in her living room, and she is right about him sounding like a sweetheart because he is one..... But from what I understand about her boyfriend, she's with an equally sweetie pie man.

No no no, Butterflymom, there is nothing romantic about my man. He is very sweet, loves me to death and we've been together for three years. He'd hate the to be called sweetie pie The only two times he has given me flowers the flowers were from his boss
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#84 of 265 Old 12-10-2008, 08:29 PM
 
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I have an actual real life DATE tomorrow! It's someone I met online and I'm a bit nervous. I don't think I've been on an actual date in.. uh.. many many years! I have no idea what to wear.
If you have nothing you feel super pretty in in your closet, go to a Goodwill or Salvation Army and find something really cute that fits you great, if you can, and splurge the ten bucks to get a new outfit. I do that, I love it.
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#85 of 265 Old 12-10-2008, 08:31 PM
 
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No no no, Butterflymom, there is nothing romantic about my man. He is very sweet, loves me to death and we've been together for three years. He'd hate the to be called sweetie pie The only two times he has given me flowers the flowers were from his boss
From his boss? What?

No, i didn't mean he was a doormat/goofball sweetheart, I meant the way he is so head over heels for you and has just made you the most important thing to him (besides his son) since the first time you guys went out and that he has laid such a beautiful track record of three years of respect and love and gentle, kind treatment... that's what makes him a sweetheart of a man, to you. Right? Am I right? Do I get an Amen?
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#86 of 265 Old 12-11-2008, 02:57 AM
 
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From his boss? What?

No, i didn't mean he was a doormat/goofball sweetheart, I meant the way he is so head over heels for you and has just made you the most important thing to him (besides his son) since the first time you guys went out and that he has laid such a beautiful track record of three years of respect and love and gentle, kind treatment... that's what makes him a sweetheart of a man, to you. Right? Am I right? Do I get an Amen?
Yes of course you are right - he is very gentle and sweet. The thing with the flowers are really funny - I should tell you about it.
I don't really know what I'm doing here since I'm not actually "dating" after three years but the dating thread has always been very important to me ever since I got divorced four years ago. I remember being newly divorced and this thread gave me so much hope for the future. I just love it when others start dating good guys after getting divorced - or stop dating the not so good guys!
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#87 of 265 Old 12-11-2008, 07:51 AM
 
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Danishmom - its great to have you around here. We need some responce to our love-ramblings, so it's nice to have someone listen!
Im jealous - I want a guy like that - hey - my new guy could well be like that, but it is a little soon to say. We have not spoken on the phone - just written texts and e-mails. I keep worrying that I will be "too much" - that I will drown him in little texts etc and scare him away. So far he seems ok with my need to communicate - he always sends me cute little texts back, but I still feel like I am pushing it a bit kwim?
It is still early days - we have only met twice. I really need to calm down a bit. He has given me nothing but reason to believe he is serious.. I dont wanna ruin that by putting pressure on him kwim?
Its just - I really gave up my heart this time, and I am so scared to have it broken..
To quote a danish singer:

"Im in love with a beautiful man. Im in love and its almost more than I can stand"

Butterflymom - you are lucky to skype with your sweetie - I actually never tried that... Sounds like a great way to "be together" without actually being together..

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#88 of 265 Old 12-11-2008, 09:27 AM
 
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Hi fellow daters! lol
Glad things are going well with Seie and butterflymom and your men! (I would say danishmom too but you're not dating now its been 3 years, Im glad things are going strong for you guys still though)

My guy phoned me this morning, about an hour ago to see how I am (still got flu). We had a good little chat about college and his work stuff, but he sort of seemed in a bad mood at times. I don't know if its just me interpretting him wrongly because it's not the same when you're talking on the phone as it is face to face in person. Made me feel a bit uncomfortable though. Im so sensitive, it was probably just me, he didn't say anything about being unhappy with anything.

Yesterday i sent him a text message saying I had just seen my son's school christmas play and how good it was and how cute and sweet the kids were etc and he sent me a really nice text message back saying "that's good I knew he would do it well, as you talked about him I know he is a clever boy. Would like to see him."

Ofcourse I do NOT want to introduce him to DS anytime soon, I feel it's way too early for that, but how do you decide when to do it? How long do you think you should date someone before introducing them to your kids? When that time comes, I'll just introduce him as a "college friend" -which is true because we do go to college, only it's not the same one, so hopefully that wouldnt be lying to DS? and then after they have had time to get used to eachother a bit and see more of eachother, I'd then like to bring it up about us being more than friends. (boyfriend/girlfriend)

Im probably getting way ahead of myself as we've only been seeing eachother 3 weeks lol, Im just interested to know how you ladies deal with this subject yourselves? And do you wait for the guy to say he wants to meet the child/ren, or do you just bring up the subject when you think it's the right time and see if he's ready to?
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#89 of 265 Old 12-11-2008, 10:12 AM
 
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Seie, skype is awesome -the sound quality is excellent, much better than cell phones. Feels like he's right there. We also like to play games online, like chess. It's almost like being on a date.
I know just what you mean about not wanting to ruin it so soon, when your heart is just all in aflutter and you dont' know if you can wait one single minute longer to send him a sweet/cute/funny text message or something.

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Originally Posted by Anne2008 View Post
My guy phoned me this morning, about an hour ago to see how I am (still got flu). We had a good little chat about college and his work stuff, but he sort of seemed in a bad mood at times. I don't know if its just me interpretting him wrongly because it's not the same when you're talking on the phone as it is face to face in person. Made me feel a bit uncomfortable though. Im so sensitive, it was probably just me, he didn't say anything about being unhappy with anything.
Anne2008, I have to say, this makes my stomach turn. It's just sounds like such a red flag to someone just out of an abusive relationship who has the benefit of hindsight to look back and remember all the early warning signs that something was just simply 'not right' all along, that I thought about a bit but justified or wrote off as 'my misinterpretation', etc.... My ex husband is also foreign and HE would always use that excuse that it was a language barrier/cultural barrier issue, whenever I expressed or acted as if I wasn't happy with his treatment/sensitivity/choice of words/moodiness. Regardless of whether it's the limited medium of phone or a foreign language or whatever, it's still something, not nothing. And this early in a relationship, there really should be NOTHING that is making you feel uncomfortable, or setting off any red flags in your head and in your heart. Those gut feelings are very valid and important, and especially for us single mothers who have to think about the person as a possible big influence on their kids somewhere down the line if it ends up working out.

I dunno, it just made my creepy vibes go off when you said "he sort of seemed like he was in a bad mood" because that is SO how I felt about my ex husband in the very early stages of our connection, and I always justified it and rationalized it somehow, but that little nagging feeling inside me at the time was really telling me that somehow, we didn't fit right together. He ended up not getting better when we spent more time in person and not on the phone, not when we lived together, not when we married and had a family, in fact....the 'bad moods' came out easier and easier and he often made me feel uncomfortable/walking on eggshells until I started to realize that was just who he was when all the charade of early-stage-dating-charm fell away (not that he was able to keep that up 100% of the time even at the very beginning, hence those 'bad mood' moments that made me feel wary and uncomfortable, that I should have really paid more attention to)....

In the beginning of a relationship, it should all be pretty much rainbows and sunshine and you wanting to pretty much only GUSH about the way the guy makes you feel, all his amazing characteristics, etc. As DanishMom said in your 'How to know' thread, I just have the feeling that you should let this guy go. I'm sorry if that's harsh since I know so little about him and your feelings for him, etc, but just reading between the lines in your posts, it seems like you are just not enough into him the way you really should be to be getting involved much further than 3 weeks of dating and one kiss. I think you should hold out for finding someone who just seems to make life make more sense, someone who makes you feel even happier/more comfortable with yourself and with life in general, someone who makes life easier in the little ways they boost you and support you, not someone who already is raising all sorts of red flags, making you feel uncomfortable, someone whom with holding hands and kissing is terribly awkward, etc. The I love you on the phone and talking about meeting your kid so soon, is all just not sounding like something you are ready for, and ....I dunno. He's not the only guy out there who'd want to date you, and if I felt for a moment that your posts had the 'ring' of a woman who was really over the moon excited about the way things were clicking and falling into place with someone who would be a really viable partner potential, I woudln't think any of the little issues were necessarily anything. But I dont' hear that ring.
Ok, off soapbox, sorry to totally tackle you and your dating life and rip it to shreds, that's not what I mean to do!!!
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#90 of 265 Old 12-11-2008, 11:32 AM
 
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butterflymom I appreciate your honesty and opinion. Could you possibly tell me what the red flags are? I know they are signs something is wrong with the guy, and the relationship isn't going to work out, but what are those signs exactly? -Then I can make sure to look out for those things.

It's different on the phone, twice he's seemed in a bad mood and once I asked him why and he explained it was because he felt I wasn't very easy to contact, which he was right as I kept forgetting to take my cell phone out my coat pocket and turn the ringer on so I kept missing his calls and texts at that point. The 3 times we've met up in person he's been really nice, seemed pleased to see me, and not been in a bad mood at all.
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