December dating thread!!! - Page 9 - Mothering Forums

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#241 of 265 Old 12-30-2008, 04:04 PM
 
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Anne:

Perhaps (pls correct me if I am wrong), it is not about a feeling of annoyance, but more feelings of disappointment.

Disappointment is often transformed into feelings of upset/anger towards the other person, as they are not meeting your 'expectation.'

For example: You "expected" him to call, he didn't. You were disappointed because you expected (& looked forwarded) to his call. When he doesn't call, you are upset because you were let down. Therefore, you turn that personal disappointment/let down into anger towards him because there is that sense of "he did it to me."

Does that make sense?

This is an issue I have had to worked on extensively in my own relationships.
Yeah I think that's what it is! I was disappointed I had waited for him to call that time and he hadn't, then this time he was disappointed I hadn't contacted him in a couple of days and had been trying to contact me but kept missing me, so he was disappointed which turned into frustration for both of us in both situations. I think that's normal though, if it was happening between you and your guy too, you would both feel the same right? That's why I don't know what Seie means when she said to her it's a red flag.
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#242 of 265 Old 12-30-2008, 04:54 PM
 
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I think it's just wording confusion, and because there have been flags in the past with this boy, or maybe just more wording confusions. I get disappointed and impatient when I am hoping/expecting for something and it didn't happen. This can turn into irritability, anxiousness, and calling it "anger" is really not that far off. Now I'm wondering if that's not normal...

Going to a movie with my young boy tonight. And yet I cannot stop thinking about the other one...
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#243 of 265 Old 12-30-2008, 09:12 PM
 
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Tripleaces: What a luxury problem you have there :

Anne: Its just - you should not have to walk on eggshells in a relationship - trying to anticipate what will upset the other person. What bothers me is the way he is sulking around you - somehow signalling to you that you should feel bad for "being a bad girl and not calling". What you should be aware of are actions, words or attitudes that make you feel guilty, feel like you arent good enough, feel like you are doing something wrong or that you need to adjust your behaviour to please him more.


Here I am suffering I dont feel my guy has been very communicative in the past weeks over christmas. I know he has the time and I am VERY sensitive to stuff like that.
I know I should probably relax and give the guy a break - its just - I have a feeling something is off I sent him a short mail, simply stating that I feel something is off, asking him whether I have reason to worry. I hope I am just overreacting..

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#244 of 265 Old 12-31-2008, 01:45 AM
 
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Oh my gosh. I haven't started a dating relationship since I was 16 and that was the only one ever. I have no idea what I am doing. help?!

what doi you ladies think about younger men? how much younger before you are just being silly? I didn't think I would date a man less that 5 years older than me but I am warming up to it. Is this rediculous.

what do I need to know about rebound relationships?

is it normal to feel like you have been slingshotted back to 16?

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#245 of 265 Old 12-31-2008, 02:42 AM
 
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Oh my gosh. I haven't started a dating relationship since I was 16 and that was the only one ever. I have no idea what I am doing. help?!

what doi you ladies think about younger men? how much younger before you are just being silly? I didn't think I would date a man less that 5 years older than me but I am warming up to it. Is this rediculous.

what do I need to know about rebound relationships?

is it normal to feel like you have been slingshotted back to 16?
oh, golly, REBOUND RELATIONSHIPS!!!

ack! i know i over-reacted to what had been the issues in past relationships when i was picking new ones. ACK!!

i would read LOTS of books, get really centered, find your inner peace and self love and surround yourself with great people and then start opening your eyes to romantic possibilities... but i'm saying this after having made lots and lots of mistakes.
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#246 of 265 Old 12-31-2008, 06:51 AM
 
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tripleaces How was your movie date? Did you hold hands during it or kiss? (don't answer if thats too personal, sorry, Im just trying to see what you ladies do in the situations ive been in and not known what the heck to do, he did hold my hand during the movie we went to see -for a while).

Seie Thanks for explaining, I get it now. Has your guy replied to your email yet? Hope you were just worrying about nothing. People do have "off days/weeks" maybe he's been tired or something lately?

lilyka I hear ya! I have no clue how to date either LOL I feel totally lost about what I should say or do or how to act, I get so nervous too! I guess just try to breathe, relax, be yourself? Heck I don't know either, but that's what I try to do.

My guy phoned me last night, right on time He was in a good mood, we had a nice chat for 20 minutes -that's long for us LOL neither of us seem to like talking on the phone that much, and we are both fairly quiet. At one point it actually went silent for a while and I was like "So....it got quiet" and he laughed, but at least it broke the silence right? LOL
He asked how im feeling, which is nice because he knew I was sick. He was eager to know when DS is back at school (not till next week), so we can see eachother again.
I am having doubts lately though. -Doubts about whether im ready to be in a relationship. I push people away so much, the only people close to me are my family, that's just how I am. So I think im reaching the point where I want to push this guy away too. You know?
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#247 of 265 Old 12-31-2008, 12:11 PM
 
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what doi you ladies think about younger men? how much younger before you are just being silly? I didn't think I would date a man less that 5 years older than me but I am warming up to it. Is this rediculous.

what do I need to know about rebound relationships?

is it normal to feel like you have been slingshotted back to 16?
Age is one of those things that just doesn't matter to me. Maturity matters (but I've met mature sixteen year olds and I've met really immature 55 year olds).

To me, there are far more important things to be concerned about: values, self-respect, respect for others, personal growth, accountability, kindness, etc. that age is proably about 200 on my list of things to consider.

And YES....it is totally normal to be slingshotted back to 16. Enjoy it!:
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#248 of 265 Old 12-31-2008, 05:25 PM
 
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lilyka, I never thought I'd date someone younger than me except by a year or two... dating one now who is 4 years younger. Go figure.

Anne... well, we missed the movie because he ended up working late, and then when he got here to pick me up I was involved w/ a minor emergency for work, so sadly it was too late. We decided to just open a bottle of wine and watch a movie at my place. I feel incredibly comfortable with him, so yes we held hands or he had his hand on my leg during the movie.

I'm a little torn about things right now... I feel like things are maybe moving too fast all around, and I'm afraid I'm going to rush into a relationship with this young guy when I'm not so sure that's what I want to do. I really LIKE him and things are so easy with him, but I dunno... I thought I could just date, go out, have fun on the nights w/o the kids, but now it's all getting confusing to me.

I miss being in a relationship, but I also didn't really even get that much time in between, so I can't help but wonder if I should just slow down, stop dating?? If only it wasn't so much fun... maybe I just more balance.
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#249 of 265 Old 12-31-2008, 05:56 PM
 
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ANNE:
I dont post much, but ive been reading all your posts on here. i just cant hold this in any longer, but i really do not think this guy is a good idea. i see huge red flags, i dont see any chemistry, i see manipulation, and i see potential abuser. And i see that you havent been in a relationship in so long, that maybe you think that all of this is "normal" and that this is how dating is supposed to go. Its not.
Ive been single for a year and just started dating this guy about 3 weeks ago. We are totally smitten, cant stop thinking about each other, cant keep our hands off of eachother, call several times a day, etc. He treats me like a princess, and it is the most amazing thing ever.
I would just hate to see you get involved with this guy and then end up being emotionally/mentally or even physically abused. Not to mention, i know that in his culture, women are below men. Women do not get the respect they deserve.

Im sorry if this sounds harsh, i really dont want it to be. I just think you should ditch this guy and your prince charming will come along when you least expect it.

DS 5-11-06
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#250 of 265 Old 12-31-2008, 09:01 PM
 
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Happy New Year to everyone.
Im alone - I celebrated at home with the kids and we had a great night. Now they are sleeping, i am drinking champagne on my own.

I texted a bit with my guy tonight. I asked him if there was something that need to be said and said if there was he better do it now. He simply replied "?" I am still not entirely calm about it - but we did text back and forth a few times and he seems as sweet as always. Now I feel stupid for making such a big deal out of something that may be nothing. If he wasnt freaked out before I'm sure he is now.. Its just - I've always had a fairly good intuition when it comes to these things - it never let me down so far.
But on the other hand - thinking back - my story kind of makes me insecure. I just dont dare trust him completely. I keep thinking something must be wrong. Right now I really have no idea if this is all in my head, or if there is something more to it

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#251 of 265 Old 12-31-2008, 09:25 PM
 
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Seie.. is it just the lack of communication, or something else I missed? I did some similar things w/ my last guy (old friend I was dating) where I'd get so insecure and practically freak out on him because he would disappear for days at a time like during weekends and not chat with me. Ugh! I'm one of those who likes to keep in contact w/ people.

But not everyone is, so it might just be that...

Happy New Years, everyone!! I'll be celebrating at home w/ the kids and champagne once they go to bed, as well.
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#252 of 265 Old 12-31-2008, 09:40 PM
 
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Tripleaces: Its mainly a lack of communication. In the beginning I felt he was more eager to stay in touch, called me etc. But since just before christmas he has been very quiet. We met up on friday and did have a great time as usual, even talked a bit about our relationship and nothing he said made me think he was gonna stop seing me anytime soon.
I just feel like - if we are getting to know eachother BETTER wouldt we be in touch MORE? I should feel comfortable just calling him when I wanna talk with him, but I am so freakin scared that I will scare him away by being all over him all the time. I really really care for this guy. He is a guy I believe I could spend a lifetime with. Big words I know, but he just seems like he is made for me and me alone. And I am so scared that if I manage to scare this wonderful guy away I'll never meet anyone quite as suited..
I really have a hate/love relationship with this rollercoaster of emotions that dating is.. On one hand its wonderful, its so much fun, all the anticipation, excitement, getting to know eachother, aching and longing to see that person etc - I love that part. But the insecurity, the way you put your heart on the line, the vulnerability, the possibility of being left shattered on the floor. That part I truely truely hate.. Sometimes I wish I wasnt a person to rush into love like this. Its so typical of me to loose myself completely when I fall in love - I cant do anything partly. If I do something - i do it with my entire body and soul. And that just leaves me so shell-less and defenceless.. Any attack will go straight to the vital organs..

Dang - I need to put down that champagne and get some sleep..

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#253 of 265 Old 12-31-2008, 11:11 PM
 
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And I am so scared that if I manage to scare this wonderful guy away I'll never meet anyone quite as suited..
This, to me, is a HUGE red flag... for yourself.

Feelings like this have often caused me -- in the past -- to become a clingy, insecure and desperate woman. Additionally, it has caused me to overlook minor red flags, which showed that he was not for me.

This is one reason why I tell friends... don't start dating until you are happy and content being alone.

If you can be in a place where you are fulfilled and happy by yourself, then you will be able to make better choices and have stronger, healthier relationships because you are not coming from a place of fear and hopelessness.
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#254 of 265 Old 12-31-2008, 11:31 PM
 
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Its mainly a lack of communication. In the beginning I felt he was more eager to stay in touch, called me etc. But since just before christmas he has been very quiet. We met up on friday and did have a great time as usual, even talked a bit about our relationship and nothing he said made me think he was gonna stop seing me anytime soon.
I had a hard time transitioning from the constant communication stage with my bf to the more stable, steady communication stage. "Why isn't he txting me all the time?" "Why doesn't he email me during the day as often anymore?"

The beginning of any relationship is a rush... an adrenline kick. Unfortunately, it is not possible to sustain such a rush for long periods of time. Personally, I like the more settled, stable part of a relationship anyway, but the transition into that stage was a little nerve-wrecking for me with bf.

Therefore, just sit back and relax. Keep yourself busy with your life.

One more thing, IME, when I let go of my expectations with my bf and our relationship and just continued to work on keeping my own life fulfilling and happy FOR ME, it was amazing how quickly bf exceeded any expectations I had, in addition he was even more present and wanting to be in my life.
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#255 of 265 Old 01-01-2009, 12:12 AM
 
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I know you were talking to Seie, Holland.. but thanks for that, it reminds me I too need more balance and to not get so obsessed with this whole dating thing!! Very good points. I actually noticed a red flag with my young guy last night, but I pushed it aside, and then wondered hmm.. I need to pay more attention. Basically I was friendly with someone at the grocery store sweeping the aisles and he later said, "Were you flirting with him?" and even though he was joking I could tell he was bothered by it. I'm a friendly person so that would not fly with me long term!
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#256 of 265 Old 01-01-2009, 08:41 AM
 
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Holland - thanks for your concerns. Its true I am insecure when it comes to love, but I am not unhappy in my own company. Its just not how I want to live my life. I believe humans are meant to be together. I also dont think its really bad that I really really want this guy. Isn't that what love is about - that with love comes the fear of loosing. My insecurity in matters of love and relationships have to do with my history. So far I have never managed to hold on to someone I was actually in love with. I dont think this has to do with me being clingy or acting insecure - but more with my personality. I am quite a handful. I am not a sweet little thing, but a tall and in terms of behaviour pretty masculine person. That scares most men away I think. I have a lot of self esteem. I am passionate, intelligent and quite a character. Its just -appearently those treats are not what most men look for in a girl.. ah well - we'll see how this turns out..

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#257 of 265 Old 01-01-2009, 10:38 AM
 
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ANNE:
I dont post much, but ive been reading all your posts on here. i just cant hold this in any longer, but i really do not think this guy is a good idea. i see huge red flags, i dont see any chemistry, i see manipulation, and i see potential abuser. And i see that you havent been in a relationship in so long, that maybe you think that all of this is "normal" and that this is how dating is supposed to go. Its not.
Ive been single for a year and just started dating this guy about 3 weeks ago. We are totally smitten, cant stop thinking about each other, cant keep our hands off of eachother, call several times a day, etc. He treats me like a princess, and it is the most amazing thing ever.
I would just hate to see you get involved with this guy and then end up being emotionally/mentally or even physically abused. Not to mention, i know that in his culture, women are below men. Women do not get the respect they deserve.

Im sorry if this sounds harsh, i really dont want it to be. I just think you should ditch this guy and your prince charming will come along when you least expect it.
I agree with this. Anne - you have four woman here (nataliachick, seie, butterflymom and me) telling you that there are red flags all over the place.

It really scares me how he made that voice and acted like it wasn't him on the phone. That sounds sick to me. It's not the fact that he was sad you hadn't called. It's the way he lets you know. Like Seie I think that it is a very bad that sign that you need to make excuses about his behavior. BTDT - unfortunately. you have told us about so many things that sound like actual or potential abuse. You have given him enough chances.
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#258 of 265 Old 01-01-2009, 05:51 PM
 
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He is 10 years younger (24) but we have been friends for a while. And since this is someone I already loved dearly (like a brother then . . . ) and already hung out with it almost makes the dating transition weirder. and I am so worried about getting hurt again (in the same way my xh hurt me) that I am scared I am going to hold back on something good for fear and miss out on something really good. I also worry that he won't be good enough for my xh and xh will use it as an excuse to take my children. is this irrational or is this something I have to really consider now.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#259 of 265 Old 01-01-2009, 07:14 PM
 
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Lilyka: I dont know your situation so I have no idea what options your XH has when it comes to the kids. I know for sure I am not gonna make anything official with my guy till the trial about the kids is over.. My ex was 10 years older than me - that never occurred to me as a problem. I dont see why it would be a problem the other way around. Less common maybe - but not a problem. (except maybe to others who will probably talk- but who cares. Love knows no age)

I finally had enough of waiting for my guy to call, so I called him. And we spoke for well over an hour. It turns out he has been having worries - but they are more like insecurities on his part. I guess my intuition wasnt all wrong - I just made wrong assumptions based on it. As usual it was an extremely pleasent conversation. I enjoyed hearing his voice and laughter. And as always when I have spoken with him I feel so much at peace with it all.
I dont get to see him this week unfortunately. But am counting on next week..

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#260 of 265 Old 01-02-2009, 12:20 PM
 
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Well, I was hoping my ex would get drunk and let me continue raising the kids with my family, but it's going to take a time-sucking fight.

This means I leave my mom & dad, brother & his family, I need to remember my hope, mamas, please help me remember.
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#261 of 265 Old 01-02-2009, 03:37 PM
 
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Ten years younger, that's nothing ... I got asked out by a 22-year old the other day! And I am, ahem, not 22. More like late 30s.

He is cute as a button but really, I can't even imagine it. Nice to be asked, though.
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#262 of 265 Old 01-02-2009, 09:38 PM
 
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Mountain: I'm so sorry : I hope the connection is strong enough. At least - if it is then once all of this is over you will truely know that you can get through anything. I dont know what to say - just sending thoughts. Still in the middle of battle for custody here too - its so draining. All my best wishes :

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#263 of 265 Old 01-05-2009, 10:29 AM
 
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: Still in the thick of custody war over here, too. just wanted to empathize with all the other mamas (lilyka, mountain, Seie) who are being sucked alive of their energy where that is concerned. We've gotta be strong. sigh.

Anne2008, .....-what Danishmom said. Everything she said. Ditto.

Can I just say that I have given 22-23 year old guys chances left and right this past six months, and I am so exhausted with young men? Good freakin' god. I cannot seem to get a real adult man, in his thirties, to save my life. I just want someone born in the '70s, that's all!!!!!! Why is that so hard? There are gorgeous men in their 20s throwing themselves at me left and right, the most common age seeming to be 22, and I look at them like they have two heads but they are so certain that they think the woman who appears to be about 26 or 27 in front of them is their dream lady. However, I'm actually 29, and someone born in the same year that I started 1st grade just seems ridiculous to me. I could have been their babysitter when I was 13-14. Is that crazy for me to think that way? It's not just that younger men are ...well, younger, but they are so quick to fall in love, and it's so irritating. Also, they get nervous around me, and start acting all weird, and i feel sorry for them and it's just.... UGH, I want to date an adult, that's all. Someone confident and collected, and sure of himself, and established in his life to the point where he is comfortable and peaceful and happy, and just finds all of that goodness multiplied when he considers adding me into his life somehow.
Seie, Holland73 is really right on the money. You and I are both the same when it comes to falling in love. We just want to throw ourselves into it body and soul and somehow by sheer will of desire MAKE it last forever, because it feels like it should. But maybe that's just how we fall in love--10000% percent, ready to commit and make it work out for the long haul. However, somehow that gets entangled with a huge pile of fear. That, what if it doesn't work out, no matter how much we wanted it to.... will that hurt so badly that we are incapacitated by the thought of dealing with that kind of pain and end up just totally motivated by fear in our dealings with the man in question? That's not a happy, peaceful place to begin a relationship or even continue a new relationship. It's great to fall passionately in love, but to also be at peace with letting it unfold however it's meant to, because of timing and circumstance. Life is such that no matter how strong the feelings are, sometimes outside influences (or simply personality traits coming to surface in the other) are able to sabotoge things and it doesn't work out. Luckily we are not given one chance at this in life. There are many people on this earth we can feel passionately in love with, if one has a relaxed, open, happy, at-peace-with-whatever-happens sort of attitude which will make it easy for the universe to throw someone into our path.

After getting my heart broken in December, I have thrown myself into socializing and going out with girlfriends. Finding and making new girlfriends, as well. I now have a tally of up to 8 women that I have in terms of local Helsinki friends, which is not bad since I just moved into my apartment 2 months ago, and moved to this town 3 months ago. I'm also letting a 23 year old paramedic take me to dinner and a movie tonight, after making him wait 2.5 months to see me (my heart got stolen shortly after he met me and I blew off his correspondence all that time, but he was patient). I have no interest in him. God he's young. But, I need to get the Hell out of my apartment and speak Finnish, and he speaks Finnish with me, so.... there ya go. I'm going. And afterwards there is a party on a boat that I am going to attend, solo, and who knows who I might meet there. Off to decide what to wear....... something slightly slutty, but slightly innocent and girlish, too. Hmmmmm...... Danishmom gave me a short wooly red plaid skirt that does the trick every time in terms of that combination.....
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#264 of 265 Old 01-05-2009, 10:45 AM
 
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Danishmom gave me a short wooly red plaid skirt that does the trick every time in terms of that combination.....
That skirt has brought me a lot of attention even when I wasn't dating. It is great for a date!! It's seems so innocent but it isn't. Who is throwing the party tonight?
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#265 of 265 Old 01-05-2009, 02:38 PM
 
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there's a new thread open for January! I wouldn't want to miss anything.... :
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