December dating thread!!! - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 265 Old 11-30-2008, 12:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Happy December everyone (a little early for a change )

I had to start this early because I won't be around much on the first (Mountain, are you proud of me?)

I have personally been on a whirlwind in my love life. I has all fallen into place nicely. I think relationship timing regarding meeting the kids, etc is determined on a case by case basis. This guy is the very first gut I have allowed to meet my kids in the 3 years (almost 4) I have been divorced. He met them by default as he helped me with my broken down car, incidentally he also met X that day too.

Now we are getting married an talking about having children (soon because of my age, if I don't do it now, it is never) It is just a matter of WHEN I am getting my official proposal and ring, not IF. We have planned extensively and gotten even closer on our trip to Holland.

So... don't think I am crazy, I have thought this through and come up with the options I have chosen.

By the end of this month I will be clear on a few things, I will be itching to report in

What about all of you? I can't wait to hear. I hope some of you have happy updates, and that this Holiday season brings joy and happiness (however it happens to manifest) to each and every one of you)

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
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#2 of 265 Old 11-30-2008, 05:56 AM
 
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(I replied to the November thread first but wanted to write something else here.)

BelovedK things sound really good for you right now, congrats! How long have you 2 been together, if it's ok to ask? Does he have any kids already?

I have been talking to my guy on the phone every day, well almost -we didn't talk yesterday, and a few text messages here and there. We are meeting up on monday (TOMORROW-AHHHH!) in the morning after I have taken DS to school, and we'll go for a 30 min walk with my dog, which is what we did the first time we met up too. -Hopefully it won't be raining otherwise we probably will cancel that.

We haven't seen eachother in almost 2 weeks because he works a lot and I was sick with flu last week when we had arranged to meet.

I need some advice, the first time we met up, at the end he hugged me a little and kissed my cheek, I hugged back a bit and kissed his cheek back (didn't know what to do! LOL) -so I just copied him.

So this time, when we meet up, what do I do? Should I hug him upon seeing him? Or see what he does, if anything? And at the end of our meeting, what do I do, same as last time -hug and kiss cheek? I'm totally clueless on this stuff, maybe I should just completely let him make all the moves? -If he wants to make any ofcourse. What do you think?
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#3 of 265 Old 11-30-2008, 08:39 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi Anne I am a hugger, so I would give a hug upon seeing each other, I hug my friends too so it would feel safe. I also kiss my friends on the cheek, so that would be ok. As far as the other moves, I would probably let him make the moves, but be receptive to them iykwim, just be open and allow things to move on naturally. A kiss on the cheek could easily move on to something else

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
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#4 of 265 Old 11-30-2008, 08:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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bf and I admittedly have not been together but a few months, I know some may find that crazy, but I have given it alot of thought as well as going with the chemistry that is there. We did not sleep together right away, we didn't even kiss on our first couple of dates. Nothing is private on the internet, so I will not share the actual reason that ttc has even come up, but it is a valid one, and I would be happy to share with anyone who wants to pm me, I just don't feel right posting tmi on the internet.

I will say it again to those who might think I am crazy, or wrong, this may be a bit of a risk, but I am not one who takes this lightly, and at my age things tend to move faster if they are supposed to be. I think part of that is that I know what I want, and DON'T want, so does he. I have spent alot of time thinking of the qualities I would want in a mate, and he meets all of the criteria. The way we met had alot of synchronicity (it was online, and I think I shared the story before) I basically had withdrawn from match.com and was no longer a member and out of the blue they reinstated me and charged me (after I had quit and was definitely off) They would not refund my money so I went ahead and looked, bf was the first one who popped up. I just sent him a 'hi' and the rest is history.It was as if it was meant to happen.

Honestly, I HOPE I am not making a mistake, but I trust my gut, and also have the attitude that all things happen for a reason, so I will follow this one through.

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
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#5 of 265 Old 11-30-2008, 10:24 AM
 
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Just wanted to send you some love, BelovedK - again, I am soooo happy for you!!!!

No update for me - my sweetheart and I broke up back in the beginning of September (he was my only since my x-husband, we were together for a year and a few months). I went on a date with a really nice guy a month or so ago, but when I spent most of the time sitting there thinking "This is not who I am supposed to be with..." I knew it wasn't quite right. Sooo - for now I'm just trying to repair my shattered heart and wait to see what it coming next. And maybe hitting Beloved up for a reading soon...
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#6 of 265 Old 11-30-2008, 11:46 AM
 
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Timing is timing, Kelly.

There are no rules when it comes to life or matters of the heart. We go with what feels good. Every relationship has it's challenges, it's beautiful moments, it's lull's. One can never say anything is 100% going to work for ever and ever...there are just no guarantees.

So, it's best when we listen to our heart, trust our gut and follow where we feel we need to go. There is something to learn, experience and love no matter where the path leads....so enjoy the journey, because that's all that really exists anyway.

Wishing everyone love, happiness and dating fun!
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#7 of 265 Old 11-30-2008, 12:13 PM
 
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Beloved: You really don't have to explain or justify your decision. I have been following the dating threads for years and I know that you have done a lot a reflecting and you are very clear about what you are looking for in a relationship. Sometimes you just need to trust you gut and I'm happy that you chose to do exactly that. I'm also very happy that you get a chance to TTC. Good luck!

Mmace: I've been thinking about how you were doing. When you break up with someone you love so much it takes a lot of time to heal. I hope you'll feel more ready the next time you date. I've always thought that you sounded like such a sweet and caring person - you have so much to give to a partner.

Anne2008: I have been reading your posts and wanted to chime in and say that I think some sort of counseling might be great. NOT because I think you are crazy but simply because I think you'd enjoy life much more without the worrying.To be able to fully trust your own feelings and decisions without second guessing yourself is the best feeling ever. I tend to worry too but I'm getting much better but it's hard work. I think that you have hard time figuring out what to do with this guy because your feelings disappear in the midst of all the worrying. Dating can be hard though - I hope this forum makes you feel supported.

BTW: It really doesn't matter if you sleep with someone on the first date or not. What matters is that you do what YOU want to do - without worrying about what others think. I think you are right that it's about personality too. In my country it is very normal to sleep together on the first date - I've personally never felt like doing that - I wait for the third or fourth date
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#8 of 265 Old 11-30-2008, 01:03 PM
 
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Kelly: It is unfortunate that you feel you need to justify or explain your relationship, but I completely understand the why behind it. There is a lot of judgement in this world (esp. on MDC)!

MCA is correct... there are no guarantees in forever.

How a relationship evolves is different for everyone. All that matters are the individuals in the relationship.

You have done so much work and reflecting on yourself and your history. Being able to follow your heart and trust yourself in a world full of judgement and criticism is a HUGE feat and you are more than strong enough to do it.

Enjoy your amazing new journey with this incredible man. I am so happy you have found someone you feel is worthy of you! :
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#9 of 265 Old 11-30-2008, 01:28 PM
 
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Bf, ds & I spent our first holiday together this weekend, in addition to making my first-ever Turkey Day meal! It was wonderful, easy and very relaxing.

We cooked and ate, played the new Wii (an early Xmas gift from my parents ), wrestled, went to the park and bf taught me to play Backgammon.

We often do not get to spend this much time together, due to his crazy and demanding schedule, so this weekend was a fabulous little treat for us all.

Bf asked me to go to his center's Xmas party, which I cannot tell you how excited I am about attending. It will be so nice to put all the faces to the names I hear every night! Plus, I have a smashing outfit that is conservative enough for the doctor crowd, yet with a bit of *sparkle* to make me look fab!

Xmas will be spent separately. Ds and I will go to OR to my parents' house (gma and gpa would kill me if ds wasn't there for Xmas!) for a week and bf will be in WA with his family (esp. since he didn't go home for Thanksgiving!). BUT, ds and I will pick him up at the "BIG" airport the Sunday following Xmas. Ds is very excited go to the "BIG" airport (aka SFO) to pick up bf.

All in all... life is wonderful! And I am enjoying, savouring and living every bloody single minute of it, even the rough moments. :
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#10 of 265 Old 11-30-2008, 02:02 PM
 
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Beloved~i believe that following your heart and trusting in the path you are going down is more important then how long you have been together. However i would absolutley hate to see anyone else in my position right now. My now ex partner and i were together for three months, he committed to me as a life partner and we were looking for homes to buy together and planning out our lives together. His child and mine were all spending weekends together with us in one home and they knew we were all looking for a home together. When we found out we were pregnant we told the kids and everyone was excited. Then one day he was different, cold to me and he said he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby and it was over. Out of the blue. It is now three weeks after this happened and he is back living with his ex girlfriend(no kids!) and he told me yesterday that he has no feelings for me whatsoever and he never wants to talk to me again. Just like that. One day we are life partners, the next he has no feelings for me and wants no contact. I am a very peaceful person who is a very loyal partner. He told me he has never been treated so good by any women and that i was the only woman he has ever truly been in love with. So i have no clue what happened but i do know i am desperatly trying to pick up the pieces of my life, once again having been traumatized by a man and i am also nurturing a baby within my belly. I am still trying to figure out how in the world i am going to support six babies on my own and with all of these pregnancy horomones i am very emotionally unstable. All of my friends have stopped talking to me because they feel i should have an abortion and because i won't they have told me they won't support me because it is too hard for them to deal with all of this. I guess i just don't feel that an abortion is the answer to this problem. So now i am very alone and although i thought i had formed really close and supportive friendships, i see now in the face of a crises that i have none. And no partner, again. I wish we had moved slower and had really taken more time to develop our relationship as a whole instead of putting so much focus on spending our lives together when it should have been more of a day to day learning experience with each other. Now i feel like i have no clue who that man ever was and how in the world do you go from being in love with someone to having no feelings at all? I wish you many blessings on your journey though.
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#11 of 265 Old 11-30-2008, 02:11 PM
 
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Avani!
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#12 of 265 Old 11-30-2008, 02:39 PM
 
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Avani Im so sorry you are dealing with all this. And especially your friends - what kind of a way to react is that! Im furious just thinking about it.

For the sex thing then I am from Denmark too Yes I agree it has to do with personality - but your thoughts about having sex on the first date will also be affected by the view society has on it - if you know it is generally considered "cheap" or if you knew there was a risk the guy would judge you for doing it, then I too would think twice. But here I feel very lucky to be able to do whatever I please and its just normal behaviour.
I once slept with a british guy - and his reaction was scary! (im not saying all british guys are like this, but I do think it was partly a cultural thing) After the fact he had the nerve to ask me what my problem was since I went to bed with him so quick - appearently he thought I had to have some problems with selfesteem or the like since I "needed the confirmation". I was furious. I sleep with a guy if he turns me on and I want him. That simple. I feel very comfortable in my body, and I feel I have a pretty healthy sexuality alltogether.
But ofcourse I agree - you should sleep with him when YOU feel the time is right. An old teacher used to say to us teen girls that we should wait and not have sex till we couldnt stop ourselfes. I thought that was a good way to put it - do it when you cant not do it - then you wont go entirely wrong..

For my recent date then I have gotten several sweet and witty texts and emails from him today. I have a very good feeling about this- very good. If anyone remembers my past date - the young guy with no kids - then I felt very insecure every time I had met with him. I always felt his heart wasn't quite in it - or that he was torn or something. This time is very different. I feel very confident that he experienced the same thing I did - a mutual understanding/connection and he even wrote me that he feels "at home in my head" - I have pretty much the same feeling with him. I dont have time to see him for the next two weeks and the wait will be horrible.. Yep - I see potential in this guy. Im really excited!

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#13 of 265 Old 11-30-2008, 02:52 PM
 
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You give me hope! Congratulations, I'm new here, but I am still super happy for you!

Happy mama to Asia born 07/15
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#14 of 265 Old 11-30-2008, 03:16 PM
 
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Avani: I'm so sorry to hear that you feel lonely and emotionally unstable. Sounds like there is so much grieving to do and with all the worries about your future you are bound to feel unstable. You are dealing with a lot. I'm sorry that your friends aren't being supportive. Do they really think you'd be able to change your mind about the baby after your ex left? Do you have other forms of support available - some kind of free counseling perhaps? Congratulations on the pregnancy BTW - you sound like an amazing mom.

Seie: Another Dane

It really is sad that woman think about whether they'll be judged for having sex on the first date. I still think the problem exists in Denmark but it is probably much better than in many other countries. I cannot even begin to imagine how upsetting your encounter with the British guy must have been!

BTW: I was in an abusive relationship too. I really like your website - though listening to Eileen and Sean did bring back some bad memories.

Your date sounds very promising.
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#15 of 265 Old 11-30-2008, 03:24 PM
 
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I just want a date! I was going out with a gentleman last summer and we had the best time! Just hanging out. I miss that. So many of my friends go out with other couples but don't include me b/c I am not a couple. I tell them CALL ANYWAY but they are afraid I'll be uncomfortable. Let ME make that decision, okay? Geeze
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#16 of 265 Old 11-30-2008, 03:30 PM
 
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Myboysmom - My family does that because I am the only kid out of 7 who is not married! Grrrr!!!

Happy mama to Asia born 07/15
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#17 of 265 Old 11-30-2008, 04:46 PM
 
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Danishmom: Thanks - its not "my" website - just to make that clear. It was a site that really helped me realise that I was living in an abusive environment and it made me realise that the pattern of abuse DID apply to my ex. So I thought - if it can help someone else come to the same realisation..
I remember you. You were being very supportive in spring/summer when I left my ex. I had a different username then though. I changed it to make stalking a bit more difficult. I doubt he would be persistent enough to hang around a site like this for very long though. It would bore him to death :

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#18 of 265 Old 11-30-2008, 08:12 PM
 
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Avani - just It is so brave of you to follow your instincts and have this baby on your own. It's so wrong of people to desert you because of your decision.

Beloved- If you know it's right, why wait? Especially if you have time limits on your fertility! Congratulations, mama! I'm so glad you are so happy!

Seie - Cool that this guy seems so promising! I remember your reservations about the last guy and you seem so much more excited about this one.

Anne - Your recent post seems so much more optimistic! I hope you start having fun with this.

Awesome update on my situation:
My guy came to my place for the 1st time last night. We spent the afternoon at a museum and went out to dinner 1st. It was so nice to have him at my place and he did several little things (and one huge one, that I'm keeping to myself for now) that showed me how considerate he is.

This morning, when I was in the shower, he gathered up our water and wine glasses and rinsed them out and left them neatly on the sink. He knows that I prefer to have things neat and he did this even though he doesn't care about tidiness.

He asked me in the middle of the night if I had let the cat in. My cat goes out during the day and we bring him in at night, but it's always my 14 yo DS who cares for the cat. I'd forgotten the poor kitty outside. So, he got out of bed at 2 am and went and let my cat in for me. And THEN, the cat slept at his feet for the rest of the night, although he is normally scared of strangers.

I can't stop thinking about him. I was totally distracted at work, which is not a good thing if you are a waitress at a busy restaurant.

Rainbow.gif ~ Molly
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#19 of 265 Old 11-30-2008, 11:35 PM
 
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Anne2008: I agree with PP - you do sound like you are starting to enjoy it and the guy sounds like he is really interested in you.

Seie: We probably know each other in real life you know. The AP scene in Denmark is really small. Maybe we have met through mutual friends or through Foraeldre og Foedsel.
Thanks for clarifying about the website. I did think it would have been so much work to do if you just came out of an abusive relationship yourself - and with three kids to take care of. Do you know www.drirene.com - Dr. Irene is a specialist in abusive relationships too. Great website. Anyway, you are very welcome to PM if you want to talk more. I do remember that I wrote quite a few posts when you left your ex. I had had to limit the info in my signature line because of my ex too. I guess he could figure it out if he wanted to. But then again - he is very lazy.

Mimim: Your guy sounds very sweet and considerate. I'm happy to hear he keeps you extra busy at work

Myboysmom: You are right. You should be the one to decide if it bothers you!!!! I'd have a serious talk with your friends about it. Do you think they are being honest with you?
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#20 of 265 Old 11-30-2008, 11:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Avani, I just want to give you a big

I am so sorry that he chose to play things out in that way, it is his loss, and he has to deal with himself every day. I know that doesn't help you to hear that, but it is true. You otoh, are a strong woman who is not going to cave in to the more difficult parts of life. You will make it through this. I am so sorry about your "friends", that must feel horrible.

I take your story as food for thought, thank you for caring enough to put it out there for me

I may come crawling back here with a horrible experience to report, I may be hurt, really, anything could happen. I am only going by my gut, and realizing that no matter what happens, as long as I remain true to that "gut" I will be fine.

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
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#21 of 265 Old 12-01-2008, 09:50 AM
 
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Avani we are all here for you! I know it's not the same as friends offline, but it helps knowing you have support somewhere, I wish I could take your lo's to give you a break for a bit, I can't even begin to imagine everything you are dealing with right now. Im so sorry your "friends" are behaving like that just because you are doing what you feels is right.

BelovedK thanks for the advice on what to do when greeting him etc!

DanishMom I am in counselling right now, but I can't afford to go anymore than once every 2 months I would prefer to go every week tbh. I will make sure the next visit I talk to her about the worrying issues I have (I'm a nervous wreck in general! lol), maybe she can offer some advice on that. In the appointment we had last week, she gave me some information on a self-help type group for people who have low self esteem and lots of anxiety about things, so I'll definately be looking into those.

Mimim your guy sounds amazing! That was so sweet letting the cat in and remembering about it! How long have you 2 been dating? Was that the first time he's seen your place, or did you mean first time he slept over? -How was that? -Im really scared about all that stuff.


So today I met up with my guy ("my guy" -seems so strange saying that, but I guess it's true now..kinda lol), we went for a 30 minute walk with my dog.

When I first saw him, we sort of both were shy and didn't know how to greet eachother, but I think we both felt we wanted to hug, so we did a little hug .

We talked quite a bit, I didn't have much to say (as usual , and he isn't too talkative either, so there were a few times it was awkward silence for a while, but it wasn't too bad because we were walking anyway.

THEN!!!! -(huge deal to me, probably not so much to anyone else lol) -He asked if he could hold my hand! I said yes, and we did....I held it wrong though LOL, I did it like how I would hold DS's hand, he didn't say anything but I felt really weird and stupid for that, so then when I dared to, I let go and re-held his hand the right way for a couple with fingers interlocked It honestly felt uncomfortable to me, Im just so not used to anything like that -any contact with a guy, im not an affectionate person to be honest, I'll hug my mom sometimes, and ofcourse DS a lot, but thats all. So even hugging this guy feels strange to me. Holding hands was uncomfortable After a little while I must have relaxed about it because it felt OKAY...not nice though, is that weird I didn't find it NICE...just okay?

Then he put his arm around my back as we walked, so I put mine round his....which again I was uncomfortable about, but I think it's just because im not used to it and I don't know this guy very well yet so it was weird for me. He seemed happy about it though, and he even asked if we could stop for a few minutes and look at the view (we walk by a river), so I said yes, but was worried he was going to try to kiss me............ Im totally not ready for that

So to sum up, lol, I guess it went pretty well. We moved past the kiss on the cheek and hug, to holding hands and walking with an arm round eachother, and although I felt really uncomfortable for the most part, by the last half of the walk I felt a bit more comfortable about it. So that's good right? We hugged and he kissed my cheek before he left -I didn't kiss his back...oops.

I'm really glad he didn't try to kiss me though, I think he would have if I had stayed close to him for long enough, I kept moving away LOL -ahhh is something wrong with me? I feel stupid for not enjoying it as much as I probably should have, and for feeling so uncomfortable about it. I really didn't want to kiss him. Maybe I'm not attracted to him enough or something?

He must have been okay though and not noticed, because when I got home he sent me a text message saying it was really nice seeing me today and was missing me already -and he called me "Babe".

Thoughts??
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#22 of 265 Old 12-01-2008, 10:18 AM
 
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Anne I wish I had some wise words to you We are very opposite people.
I dont know if you drink - but I'd say you need to go out on a real dinner-date, get a couple of glasses of wine and relax a bit. Either that, or you are just not into him. It sounds to me like you are more occupied with all the stuff surrounding him (as in when to hold hands, what will happen next etc) than with him as a person.

I think someone else said this before - but try to stop thinking so much and practice just being. Rather than being so selfaware all the time (what am I feeling now, what will he do, is this a reasonable thing to do, should I rather be doing something else etc) try to just be in the now. Actually listen to what he is saying, smell the air and feel the wind in your hair, then the rest will take care of itself in its own time.

The best of luck with whatever you want to do..

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#23 of 265 Old 12-01-2008, 10:36 AM
 
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Thanks Seie, like I said I know I am a worrier and over-thinker, to the point of anxiety. I don't really know how to change that, I've been this way for years. It does run in my family though because my parents always moan about how much my Gran is like that, so at least I know where I get it! I guess all I can do is try my best to ignore all those thoughts and try to focus on the present moment. If I let that stuff control me, I'd never leave my home....and Im not letting that happen. I know I want a partner and I know I like this guy.

Looking back on it now, I felt really uncomfortable when I was thinking about what we were doing so much, rather than just going with it. Once my mind was occupied by the conversation or whatever, that's when I felt more okay with holding hands etc. I do like this guy as a person, and if I called it all off now I think I'd be disappointed and regret it.
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#24 of 265 Old 12-01-2008, 08:41 PM
 
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DanishMom, thank you so much - that is truly the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a very long time. Many hugs to you!
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#25 of 265 Old 12-01-2008, 10:19 PM
 
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Anne,

I seriously recommend the book, "The Power of Now". It helps to just keep bringing your focus back the present moment instead of wondering/worrying about what might happen or looking back with regret or displeasure.

Just relax into the moment and see what feels right to you.

It sounds like you've never been able to listen to your own instincts, to trust what you know is or feels right for you. It's all about practicing that to get good at it. Focusing on the moment and checking in with yourself is a great way to start...as is listening to yourself and acting on what you hear just to see where it leads you.

It sounds like you pushed yourself out of your comfort zone today and that is a real blessing. No matter what happens, you've grown and expanded a little today and that is worth so much.
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#26 of 265 Old 12-02-2008, 03:05 AM
 
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There is so much action that I have missed in only a day or two....

I am very happy for you Beloved you have to follow your intuition and live in the moment. I don't think an amount of time can make things any more stable as truly knowing yourself ---- you spent a great deal of time on you and that time is well spent! I figure you can add the years of personal growth to the relationship time frame and that is a very long time! Enjoy life and this new man who adores you. Good luck with TTC!

Avani I try to see things from all sides and after some thought can be understanding to people in your life suggesting termination as an option (even though it's not what I would personally have done if I was your friend IRL) ....they may not personally understand a mental / emotional connection to an unborn child --- you cannot fault them for not personally feeling as you do, they are not in your shoes so they cannot feel what you are feeling. I am in no way suggesting a termination if this is what you feel is best for you and your family, but I also wanted to maybe share where the suggestion might have come from. Your friends could very well love you and just can't relate... hope that makes sense. My comment comes from a loving place, I adore you and am happy for you, hope you know that!

I agree with Seie, Anne2008 we need to get you to loose up, enjoy yourself, live in the moment ---- can someone please give her a bottle of merlot?

Holland73 it sounds like an ideal weekend and fun is already scheduled for after xmas, lucky you!

And yes you can sleep with someone on the first date like DanishMom mentioned however in this day and age I sadly suggest everyone take things a bit slower ----- do your research on the person or both get tested and agree to be exclusive physically to only each other prior to jumping into bed ---- herpes and HIV are real regardless of age, gender, etc.

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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#27 of 265 Old 12-02-2008, 03:42 AM
 
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A dating intro for me ~ My daughter M just turned two and I am finally interested in dipping my toes into the dating pool! There are two really wonderful men from my past that are both interested in me and honestly I like both but in different ways.

Guy #1 is great for an amazing night on the town, he is the life of the party but at the end of the day if you can get him to commit his is loyal as a puppy. He just turned 30 and it seems he is looking for "more" in his life, and according to him he wants a family but his vegas trips, and his bar tabs at clubs make me wonder if he is really ready. I also have a bit of a concern because he is "the textbook single child" the world revolves around him, in my life he would always be second to my dd M so I am not sure how that would all play out....

Guy #2 is the man I always thought would be my second husband, he has been in my life since high school and he has treated me better than any man I have dated, but we never connected because one of us was always attached. He is very considerate of me, is a gentleman, his mom and I get along very well, we are in sync with regard to both life style and parenting styles. My concerns with him are that though he would be understanding to my dd being first priority I would also have to make him a priority. He works hard and also likes to "play hard"... have late nights painting the town on the weekend and while I can see that slowing from 2-3 nights a weekend to 1 night a weekend I am sure he would want me there by his side! I am just not sure I can do that as a solo mom even though I really would want to.

Some challenges both men have never dated a single mom & I have never dated as a single let alone solo mom --- so we don't know what we are doing. I have dd with me 24/7 so I am not sure when to date, I was thinking about hiring a sitter for an overnight "date night" once a week. (I would not need her all night but something like 8PM - 2:30AM are those too crazy hours to ask for?) --- I live in a studio so there is no "having company" after dd is in bed, but I am hoping to move once I have more income or can get some sort of subsidized housing... Any thoughts on how to balance dating and solo parenting?

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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#28 of 265 Old 12-02-2008, 12:10 PM
 
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LoveOhm:

Nice thing about solo/single parenting is that a big part of your life (your child) requires any potential partner to have to contend with time restraints.

Therefore, you get to decide what you can/cannot do. If he/she is unable to accept what you can/cannot provide, then you know he/she is not a good fit.

Also, try not to make assumptions about what another person would be willing/able to 'give up' or are wanting.

I have known many individuals that have super active social/party lives that are just looking for the right relationship take over that 'need' to be out so actively socializing and partying. One of the main reasons many individuals are so active in that scene is because they are searching for someone and/or looking for the company of others.

As for balancing dating and solo parenting (I am also a solo parent)... great babysitters, babysitters, babysitters. I have found wonderful babysitters, colleagues, neighbors and friends that will often watch ds when I want to go out on a date.

Additionally, I have had guys I am dating come over after ds is in bed. We get to relax, talk, drink tea, watch TV/movies, etc.

Disclaimer: I am not someone who believes that just because I invite a man over means I am going to have sex with him. Nor have I ever met a man that believed such an idea.

Granted, I understand how that would be difficult with a studio.

You will find a way to balance it all. A way that will work for both you and your dd.
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#29 of 265 Old 12-02-2008, 12:44 PM
 
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We never really know how people are going to be; Hell, we don't even know who we are going to be when we wake up in the morning!

Avani, my heart is hoping for you, there must be some solace for you somewhere. Thank you for being a gentle and kind person; this is what we need to hold on to, I think. Refusing to despair and be bitter.

Beloved, I am SO proud of you, for so many things. It is a great leap of faith we take, yes? What's that saying, "Leap and the ground will appear" something like that Even in the worst of circumstances, we always get through it somehow.

LoveOhm, these are good things to wonder. We must talk to these guys--, but it's never worked out that way for me. I think that the balance is: you always put the dd first, which you know. Going out for a night if you have a trusted babysitter is still in keeping with this, I think! Telling the guy point blank that your dd comes first, and acting according to this philosophy will help you weed out the guys that are only out for themselves.
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#30 of 265 Old 12-02-2008, 01:46 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mountain View Post
Beloved, I am SO proud of you, for so many things. It is a great leap of faith we take, yes? What's that saying, "Leap and the ground will appear" something like that Even in the worst of circumstances, we always get through it somehow.
I have a similar quote on the cover of my journal it says "Leap and the net will appear" and I copied it out of Julia Cameron's The Artist Way..... amazing book btw!

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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