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Single Parenting > I'm here again
Devaya's Avatar Devaya 08:13 AM 12-21-2008
I posted on here a few months ago about deciding to leave my partner and father of my child, who is an alcoholic in denial, and all my fears about what 'depriving my son of a father' will mean... I got some very helpful, comforting responses...I've come full circle with it again after trying *just a little longer* hoping against hope that something would change- or that at least I'd be able to live with it better. Well, nothing has, and I can't.

Now that I've made a decision I just want to end it now, I'm tired of living what feels like a lie and of feeling so far from my truth. But I don't know how to know when the right time is to actually break the news to DP...because that will prob then involve having to continue living with him in a 'separated' state and all the pain that will involve...because my ability to support myself financially is severely limited (at least it is on a practical level, on a *miracles* level who knows) until I achieve residency status in May... yet I feel I cannot hang on here for another 6 months after knowing, basically, that this is a no-go relationship on and off since the very beginning. I feel like my life is on hold and I cannot heal and then ultimately move forward while I am still stuck here, pretending it's all okay. What's kept me here is guilt, 'comfort zone', security and of course trying to give DS the chance to have an intact family.

I want to co-parent with my STBX as much as possible and get to a level where we can all spend time together too, I don't want it to be 'split', I want to be amicable (but I know he'll be very angry) but I don't want to be in a relationship with him or live with him.

My sister is moving here (to this city) in about a month's time and I know she'd be up for us living together at least in the short term, we are very close, but the reality may be DP and I still under one roof for a few months to come, until we can find a way for us to afford two separate rents, etc. I also don't believe in daycare for a child as young as DS and even if I did, the cost would just about cancel out any earnings I made from work. I currently work very very part time teaching two yoga classes a week and doing some freelance writing which, honestly, earns me peanuts right now.

Any advice or support from those who have BTDT would be greatly appreciated! Thank you.

mountain's Avatar mountain 03:29 PM 12-21-2008
Offering support anyway. I know what it's like to be entagled with an alcoholic; it sucks. I have left mine and fled far far away back to my family.

The one thing I keep coming back to: I want my children to experience positive, healthy relationships--they need to know what that looks like to the best of my ability. That's what we owe them, so I need to create it in my life. HTH
Mama Dragon's Avatar Mama Dragon 06:38 PM 12-21-2008
What if your partner died tomorrow (or just left with no contact, however you prefer to look at it)? What would you do? This is what I told myself over and over when I was hemming and hawing leaving him. For me, I'm dead set on being a SAHM/WAHM, homeschooling and all that, but too bad for me (because being a WAHM isn't making enough), I can't, so I need to get a "real" job, put the kids in school and day care and make my time with them the best it can be. Make home a nice place for them to be, be nice to the stbx so they aren't hurt anymore then they are just go with the flow. It's not the direction I wanted my life to go at almost 30 years old with 4 kids, but there it is.

Did that sound harsh? It isn't meant to be, just facts of my life that I'm sharing.
Devaya's Avatar Devaya 07:45 PM 12-22-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by mountain View Post
The one thing I keep coming back to: I want my children to experience positive, healthy relationships--they need to know what that looks like to the best of my ability. That's what we owe them, so I need to create it in my life. HTH
Thank you for that. I'm taking note of comments like that, because it helps me keep strong.

I have to remember I am doing this for DS too...I want him to have a good relationship with DP ultimately but that is not under my control, and will certainly not be helped by the tension in the home.

Mama Dragon, no, it's not harsh - it's a good point. I think yes, life does often just end up completely different from how you'd ideally like it to be, i.e. WOHM full time or whatever it takes, but I want to find a way to not do that - it is a little easier here in the u.k. bc of the benefits system, but I'm not eligible for that till my residency kicks in. In the meantime though, I've been doing some calculations and it's just feasible that I might be able to make it with some part-time work and sharing a house with someone like my sister (and assuming DP will pay SOMETHING).
Moss's Mommy's Avatar Moss's Mommy 05:08 AM 12-24-2008
Just be careful.... I put my son through lots of fights by hanging on... police were called one night and cps asked me what I was going to do to protect my son from the arguments and when it came down to my son or my relationship.... well I served the papers on him at his domestic violence hearing the next morning.
Devaya's Avatar Devaya 09:57 AM 12-29-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by Moss's Mommy View Post
Just be careful.... I put my son through lots of fights by hanging on... police were called one night and cps asked me what I was going to do to protect my son from the arguments and when it came down to my son or my relationship.... well I served the papers on him at his domestic violence hearing the next morning.
Good point. There were a couple of rather ugly scenes this past week alone, but I feel that i could easily have avoided one of them by not being confrontational. I usually know better than to try to deal with things when he is drunk, but sometimes the anger gets the better of me. He is not violent but I have felt threatened a few times.
Moss's Mommy's Avatar Moss's Mommy 03:39 AM 12-30-2008
It's such a hard time historically to be going off on your own. I know. Hugs and Blessings, strength courage, love to you. I know I'd rather live in a card board box than kept in my "Fake marriage." and Mine was such an addict and alcoholic. He's actually in a lovely relationship doing fine now.... and I told him if he loved me he wouldn't do those things to me. I guess now that he's found someone he really does love, he doesn't have to take all of those drugs to numb his tormented soul. ARRRRRRRRRRRRG.
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