Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: here, there and everywhere
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I posted on here a few months ago about deciding to leave my partner and father of my child, who is an alcoholic in denial, and all my fears about what 'depriving my son of a father' will mean... I got some very helpful, comforting responses...I've come full circle with it again after trying *just a little longer* hoping against hope that something would change- or that at least I'd be able to live with it better. Well, nothing has, and I can't.
Now that I've made a decision I just want to end it now, I'm tired of living what feels like a lie and of feeling so far from my truth. But I don't know how to know when the right time is to actually break the news to DP...because that will prob then involve having to continue living with him in a 'separated' state and all the pain that will involve...because my ability to support myself financially is severely limited (at least it is on a practical level, on a *miracles* level who knows) until I achieve residency status in May... yet I feel I cannot hang on here for another 6 months after knowing, basically, that this is a no-go relationship on and off since the very beginning. I feel like my life is on hold and I cannot heal and then ultimately move forward while I am still stuck here, pretending it's all okay. What's kept me here is guilt, 'comfort zone', security and of course trying to give DS the chance to have an intact family.
I want to co-parent with my STBX as much as possible and get to a level where we can all spend time together too, I don't want it to be 'split', I want to be amicable (but I know he'll be very angry) but I don't want to be in a relationship with him or live with him.
My sister is moving here (to this city) in about a month's time and I know she'd be up for us living together at least in the short term, we are very close, but the reality may be DP and I still under one roof for a few months to come, until we can find a way for us to afford two separate rents, etc. I also don't believe in daycare for a child as young as DS and even if I did, the cost would just about cancel out any earnings I made from work. I currently work very very part time teaching two yoga classes a week and doing some freelance writing which, honestly, earns me peanuts right now.
Any advice or support from those who have BTDT would be greatly appreciated! Thank you.