It's all a little bewildering for me, I have no idea how uncomfortable every one is going to be, lol it will be the first time I really see his family besides odd visits here and there since the separation.
I do know when my aunt became single and had her first christmas from her own five children she spent it with other family, I don't know if that's a option for you, but the first night that my ds spent at his dad I went to my sister's, and I think it saved my sanity as well as made me feel better.
I hope that helped a little, know your not alone and don't worry you'll have your girls back before you know it.
I don't know that I could have done it without my parents and my sister. Is there anyone you can be with after the kids leave? This *is* the time to call out for help. Seriously.
I was freaking out at the beginning,
It helped me having a plan for the time I will be alone; self pampering is the answer for me. I am prepared for a crying spell if it comes, it is ok.
I decided not to accept any of my friends invites, there will be 'family' written all over and I don't need that rubbed in.
ex will be home the 24th to drop off gifts, take pictures, have a light dinner and go, My son is 10 mo and bed time is 9:00 PM
I plan to go to sleep early too
The 25th, it will be a mommy and me day, playing all day!
The 26th he will spend with his dad so I will do the self-pampering I mentioned earlier, He will be picked up at 7:00AM and dropped off at 9:00 PM
Saturday is mine, Sunday with his dad.
Don't take me wrong, it sucks anyway, but I realize it is up to me to make it enjoyable.
Forgot to mention I am giving him a gift, it is a picture frame with pictures of the baby
More details here: http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1010895
My story is in the link that the pp posted.
last night we were walking around some stores and i went into the fancy kitchen store we usually always get something small from for the family. then it really hit me and i came home crying, went to bed crying.
honestly, next yr i think i'd prefer to be alone with the kids instead of trying to pretend things are "normal".
i'm at my folks' house for christmas and i have my sisters for distractions.
stbx moved across country, so he's coming up here the day after christmas to see the kids until the 30th. he's staying with a friend, so there's no overnights. he'll just spend some of the day with the kids. not as much as i would think he would want, but what can you do? that's a whole 'nother post!
i think the best thing to do is to find distractions and self pampering when the kids are gone. now is the time to call in any favors that you can.
I go "I am sad because I;ve lost the love of my life, my marriage, my family. so, If course I am sad, this sucks"
I let the tears flow, "I am grieving" I tell myself
When I have enough, I just start saying, ok Lord, your turn to carry this for me, carry my load, I leave it to you.
I say that, not that I truly believe it yet, but i say it as a mantra, it helps me let go and get some peace until next time I have to deal with my feelings.
I find it gets less intense and less frequent.
I remember when I was able to spend a whole day without crying, now my record is 7 days, going for 8. .
thank you for letting me share
a blessing to. My stbx decided he would buy 1 gift for each child and leave
the rear of the gift giving to me. So that leaves me with about 5 gifts per child. But my church has helped me and even my children doctor has helped.
THe other issue is STBX smoking. He smokes alot and my dd has asthma and my youngest ds has bad ecxema and allergies and and smoke seem to make it bad. So he wants the kids over tonight for dinner with his family and they all smoke, so I decided not to send my youngest because his excema is really bad right now and the smoking with make him itch more and STBE x saids I am keeping him from the children. and no he will not stop smoking around the children.
It's funny about the crying, I just realized that I spent 6 years with xh constantly in tears, and I've cried about 3 times since he left, almost a year ago. I am vaguely aware of the pain, locked up deep inside me, and I don't know how to access it. I try with movies, and can squeeze a few tears out, but that's all....
Anyway, I think it is good that you are in touch with the idea that you may have more grieving to do at some point. And that however you are handling things at this point is ok too.
I do not celebrate Christmas, but my ex does. This is a very hard time of year for me. I used to celebrate with his family and that is a loss. And DS goes with his father for the whole thing... and it will be something major in his life that I have no part of at all. And it is all too much for DS right now and I have no control over that either.
I usually try to do some self pampering... hot bath, DVD, take out Asian food... and some project that I am eternally behind on, like photos. This year I am actually going to try and get some work done. Because I really really need to.
Also... Christmas is the perfect day to go to the movies by yourself if that appeals at all.
Time to yourself, even if you are feeling sad, may be nicer than you think. I imagine you don't get much of it.
Just ask, you might be surprised
Now, If you really struggle, you can do something like:
"You know? I am spending Christmas morning with my parents, but I am not sure what to do after that, do you have any ideas, places to go, things to do?"
Most likely they will ask if you want to go to their homes.
It's been a year and a half since ex moved out but last year I had a boyfriend. it's hitting me hard this year. it's really my first holday being single in 11 years, and I'm feeling really lost and alone. for 9 years, ex and I had a routine at the holidays of visiting all his family the week leading up to Christmas and now there's not much left for me to do except Christmas day with my family. It's been so long since I was single and i don't have many single friends anymore and it just feels really weird.
I'll be working tomorrow and wrapping the kid's presents during the day and maybe in the evening I'll make them cookies or something. Or maybe I'll just mope around and watch movies, which I've been doing a lot of for the last week.
I remember the days when all I wanted was to be alone in the house and now all I want is to NOT be alone in the house.
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Robin~ single, work-at-home
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momma to my 2 teen-aged Wonderboys
The kicker, however, happened this evening, when xh told me that I could "put my name on the card for the manicure/pedicure gift certificate he bought for his mom". This, from a man who has paid $400 in cs since June.
I had DD on our holiday, Yule, and she is also studying Hanukkah, so I am not missing out on our holiday. She is leaving for her dad's tonight and will be there for the next 4 days, and will be doing xmas with him, as that is his chosen holiday. I will admit though, that NYE is going to be the odd one as I have always spent it with her as a family thing, and this year, she will be at her dad's.
We spent last night and this morning in front of the fire, painting clay bowls, making movies, and sewing sachets for dd's grandma and her grandparents' cats, wrapping presents. (Rose and lavender for grandma, catnip for the cats.) It was just so nice, so sweet. Last Saturday we helped decorate the synagogue for the Chanukah party, and went to the party on Sunday (mm, catered latkes). The kid's a dreidel bandit, she always wins my gelt. Friends from out of town are visiting Friday and Saturday. Dd's off with her dad and his family now for two days; I mean to shovel out my office and get a lot of sleep. My main client sent me a gift certificate for amazon and told me to spend it on something pointless, and I may spend some time figuring out how to spend it. There's emailed cheer from friends abroad. May go up to the mall later on, too, and just have a stroll in the merchandise museum. I hadn't planned on lighting the menorah without dd here, but now I think I will. Plus it's nice just to relax -- I have a job due, but not for a few weeks, and it's been sheer insanity with various kinds of work since August.
I think it helps, too, as the kids get older. This is really the first year dd is old enough to do much on her own -- it's not so much work for me, and she's a real sweetie.
I'm sorry it's rough now. It does get better, though.
I actually had a nice, simple Christmas season. I made some gifts for DD, bought some in co-ops, so I didn't spend much.
I couldn't even look at him. I handed him their bags, handed off dd and got in the car.
I am always amazed that my life has improved, this Christmas I spent with my parents for the first time in 14 years. My X would have never "let" me do that, as it was always more important for him to keep himself in alcohol and pot than take a precious Christmas trip. This time, I did it myself...and I am so proud of myself for not letting another person control me anymore.
I am finally in a relationship with someone who sees me as an important equal, and that is so precious...everyone's situation is different, but in mine, there is no reason I should have had to sacrifice so much...I hope we all remember how important it is to respect ourselves.
The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it. We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.
hugs to all the mamas
ps i did want to add as i'm sitting here munching on hummus and pita and realizing that for once in many many years i dont have to cook, host, clean, etc!!! i can eat whatever i want and sit around in my sweats and no makeup! hehe.
I had a really tough week leading up to it...I'm so uncomfortable and tired and just wanting to be loved, and I became so lonely once the reality of nothing to do on xmas surfaced. I had a little meltdown the other night and cried myself to sleep, because I wanted my last Christmas (which I don't even really celebrate!) before baby to be special and memorable. Ended up seeing H for lunch on Tuesday, at which time we decided to spend the holiday together.
Had no idea of what to expect. It's been a really painful split for me, but the last 2 months have seen a change in both of us, and we're approaching each other on a very loving level, putting the pieces of our friendship back together.
What transpired was a beautiful day of togetherness, heartfelt conversation and an invitation to spend the night. We spent a lot of time alone, but also with his family, and at the end of the night we bundled up in our sleeping bags to do some Christmas stargazing. At home, we laid together talking for hours; I got human skin contact, my belly lovingly cradled by daddy (who just 4 months ago demanded that I abort) as I drifted off, and he told me that he's really excited to meet our baby. If you read any of my posts from the summer, you'll know how huge this is.
So yes, it was really hard because I'm not THE woman in his life any longer, but we are best friends and I am the mother of his baby and I know what I mean to him. So all in all I got my special Christmas.
Next year, however, I have no idea of what to expect, with the new baby and how much the dynamics of all of my relationships will shift! He and I spoke a little bit about how we plan to address the holidays with her, and I think that if we can keep on this path, we should be able to spend it as a "family". Who knows!
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