The Person I am Living With... - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 33 Old 12-30-2008, 02:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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...has apparently been e-mailing his 19 yo. ex-student. A ton. Told this girl in one of his e-mails that "the person I've been living with for three years feels like a sister to me" and that he has little desire to do more than hug and kiss me on the cheek. I found this out through a mutual acquaintance who's good friend is friends with this 19 year old girl he's been e-mailing. I was sworn sworn sworn to secrecy not to say anything. I am seething mad and upset beyond belief and can't utter a word because he knows this mutual acquaintance - she is the daughter of one of the higher-ups where I work, so I can't drag her into any of this. I am so pissed off - they've been e-mailing for almost a year now.

WWYD?
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#2 of 33 Old 12-30-2008, 02:24 PM
 
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Are you in a relationship with this person, or just roommates? I'm sorry, it wasn't clear from your post...
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#3 of 33 Old 12-30-2008, 02:36 PM
 
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It wasn't clear from your post if this was a roommate or a significant other, so I looked at your recent posts in this section.

I think you should go back and read a couple of your recent posts on this subject. It seems pretty clear that this guy is not worth your time or attention. Sounds like its time for one of you to move out.

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#4 of 33 Old 12-30-2008, 03:20 PM
 
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I don't think you can be sworn to secrecy on something like this. If someone gives you information that requires you to act, which I think this does, you shouldn't be expected to suppress it. In other words, someone has given you information that fundamentally changes your relationship. You CANNOT go on pretending that you never had that information and that things are the same as before. You know that your partner has been unfaithful--whether physically or emotionally--and you need to confront him about it!

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#5 of 33 Old 12-30-2008, 03:45 PM
 
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personally i would not break the trust.

the main thing is now you know how he feels. that was the point. its no point in using it against him. and breaking your trust with teh person.

that information to use against him is going to serve no purpose.

instead its time now to really have a heart to heart talk with him about where your relationship is going.

i am also not the kind of person who tells someone whom to have a friendship with. but it certainly would hurt my feelings that he was telling someone else how he felt about me - instead of directly telling me.

this is the professor - univ. chair guy right?

'romance' is such a different idea to a univ guy. i have lots of family who are v. high level professors and i swear some of them are v. asexual. so i can see them describing what he wrote as 'acceptable as romance'.

but it doesnt really matter what he feels. he may feel you are like a sister (for all you know that might be high praise in his books) and that he is happy with the way teh relationship is - BUT what about you?

what do you want?

i would sit down and talk to him and bring up how he feels about you and what he wants. its a place to see if he lies or tells the truth. ask him if he feels you are his lover, best friend.... and see what he says. and then see if that is what you want.

you guys just moved in together didnt you? i remember you talking about that. was it november or july.

if this is not what you want see if you can work out with yourself if you can live together till you can move again.

personally i want more than this. i do not want to be anyones sister when i want to be their mate, their lover.

but i will say i dont see the emailing as unfaithfulness. because seh is a 19 year old girl? i know i have and i know others have 'intimate' (not sexual) and deep friendships with people other than their spouses. but trust ur gut in this. if it feels like unfaithfulness then treat it so.

in a way i am so happy for you that this has come out and it is really making you sit up and see what YOU want out of life.

i am glad this acquaintance had the gall to come and tell you this.

mama you will get thru this too.

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#6 of 33 Old 12-30-2008, 04:42 PM
 
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this kind of crap makes me so angry im too angry to reply to this rationally right now.

sometimes i hate the internet
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#7 of 33 Old 12-30-2008, 04:56 PM
 
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I can't respond the way I want to, so here is a hug.
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#8 of 33 Old 12-30-2008, 08:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes, we are in a relationship. It was a very rocky start, to say the least. But we talked and talked and talked and he's been helping out with the kids, treating me well (or so I thought), and putting forth a real effort to make us feel very loved and wanted. Me walking out the door scared the bejesus out of him, and it seemed as though he made a real effort to prioritize his life. So then this came along and just blindsided me... why would he try so hard to make this work if he cared for me like a sister and nothing else??? Why would he be sharing these intimate details with a teenager? He tried so hard to keep us in his life, and seems to still be really making an effort...... but why why why if that's the way he really truly feels????
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#9 of 33 Old 12-31-2008, 12:58 AM
 
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Personally, I'd rather be alone than in a passionless relationship.

If he really does feel you are more like a sister yet stays with you, I'd think it was becasue he was afraid of being alone. I know a lot of people (mostly women but I am sure there are a good share of men who do the same) who will stay with a person b/c it's a warm body and a companion but will drop that person if another prospect blatently presents itself. I would think he's waiting for this girl to declare her undying love for him and he'd be out your door and knocking on hers. But that's just my warped view and what I've had & seen happen in my life.

I hope he comes to his senses! Oh, and I agree with the others that suggested you talk to him about his feelings (but without disclosing why you are asking to protect the friend who told you).
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#10 of 33 Old 12-31-2008, 01:35 AM
 
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It doesn't mater where you got this information from. end it. screw him. you don't need to reveal your sources.

besides who would tell you something like this and then not expact you to do something. good grief.

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#11 of 33 Old 12-31-2008, 01:56 AM
 
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I agree with Meemee.

If you cannot have an honest conversation wth him then you have bigger problems than hear-say about a possible improper relationship.

Single mom to E (2004) and D (2010)
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#12 of 33 Old 12-31-2008, 10:14 AM
 
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sheesh candiland. one thought came to my mind. do you absolutely trust the source? do u absolutely trust that the person is not tricking you and palying games with saying he wrote this in the email.

esp. if you say he has been acting the opposite of indifferent? i mean he has also been helping you with the kids.

we are all going by the assumption that what he wrote is the truth. that he is even emailing somebody with that level of friendship.

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#13 of 33 Old 12-31-2008, 12:07 PM
 
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The only truth you need to know is what you feel in your heart. Your heart knows if this story is true or not, if you should act on this information or not, it knows where to lead you and what is best for you. Listen to your heart and see what it's saying and where it's leading you to go.

I don't mean your romantic heart...I mean your inner knowing, your gut instinct because it knows if this is truly the best relationship for you and if you're getting everything you want and need and deserve.
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#14 of 33 Old 01-01-2009, 11:32 AM
 
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this kind of crap makes me so angry im too angry to reply to this rationally right now.

sometimes i hate the internet
My feelings exactly.

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#15 of 33 Old 01-01-2009, 12:08 PM
 
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sheesh candiland. one thought came to my mind. do you absolutely trust the source? do u absolutely trust that the person is not tricking you and palying games with saying he wrote this in the email.

esp. if you say he has been acting the opposite of indifferent? i mean he has also been helping you with the kids.

we are all going by the assumption that what he wrote is the truth. that he is even emailing somebody with that level of friendship.
19 year old students have been known to greatly exagerate the truth.

You should really just have a non-accusatory talk with him to see what's up.

Single mom to E (2004) and D (2010)
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#16 of 33 Old 01-03-2009, 04:54 PM
 
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Dump. Him.

There's nothing else to be done. If you want monogamy and he's not willing to provide it, seek it elsewhere.

I'm so sorry, mami. This is terrible. What a BLEEP.


Edited to add :

For the love of Pete, please do not delude yourself into thinking this is all some made-up fantasy. Believe this girl. She has no reason to lie. Your soon-to-be ex, on the other hand, has every reason. Believe her. Not him.
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#17 of 33 Old 01-03-2009, 05:29 PM
 
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Dump. Him.

There's nothing else to be done. If you want monogamy and he's not willing to provide it, seek it elsewhere.

I'm so sorry, mami. This is terrible. What a BLEEP.


Edited to add :

For the love of Pete, please do not delude yourself into thinking this is all some made-up fantasy. Believe this girl. She has no reason to lie. Your soon-to-be ex, on the other hand, has every reason. Believe her. Not him.
How do you know? She may have a personal interest in seeing them broke up. I'd be very careful, but don't know how I'd approach it. If you saw the emails it'd be one thing, but this is second or third hand information.

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#18 of 33 Old 01-04-2009, 08:12 PM
 
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Because her soon-to-be ex has the most reason to lie, and because men do this to women every second of every day. It's the shortest distance between two points and the simplest answer.

Women everywhere needlessly complicate these things, and get even more hurt, by doing mental and emotional gymnastics trying to explain away/excuse these behaviors. It's not their fault, but it sure doesn't help.

This story has played out over and over and over, all over. We've all watched someone somewhere go through it. We all know what the answer is and who's doing what. It's hard to acknowledge, even harder to deal with, but pretending it's something it isn't is not the answer.

OP, I wish you healing and peace. Please don't waste your life and time on this person.
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#19 of 33 Old 01-04-2009, 08:23 PM
 
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I can't imagine who would tell this and then swear you to secrecy? What are they thinking? Oh yeah they are just CYA. First thing I'd do is consider the source, especially if you have no other evidence that was said was true. Is this someone that you are personally very close to that is above suspicion? or not?

I know myself well enough to know that I'd have to talk to him about it. I couldn't keep that kind of promise she expects.
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#20 of 33 Old 01-04-2009, 09:30 PM
 
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Because her soon-to-be ex has the most reason to lie, and because men do this to women every second of every day. It's the shortest distance between two points and the simplest answer.

Women everywhere needlessly complicate these things, and get even more hurt, by doing mental and emotional gymnastics trying to explain away/excuse these behaviors. It's not their fault, but it sure doesn't help.

This story has played out over and over and over, all over. We've all watched someone somewhere go through it. We all know what the answer is and who's doing what. It's hard to acknowledge, even harder to deal with, but pretending it's something it isn't is not the answer.

OP, I wish you healing and peace. Please don't waste your life and time on this person.
This is a very interesting post coming from a radical feminist...

But, seriously, a 19 year old with a crush on her teacher going around talking about close they are and how he is going to leave his wife for her after they exchanged a few emails about school is not a far-fetched idea.

Whether or not it is the case in this situation is irrelevent to the point that no relationship is worth being in if you cannot just directly ask your mate about something someone told you.

Single mom to E (2004) and D (2010)
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#21 of 33 Old 01-05-2009, 05:25 PM
 
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Soso-lynn -

Interesting how? It makes perfect sense to me, both as someone who has been on both ends and as someone who identifies as a radical feminist.

If you mean the part where I say women needlessly complicate these things...well, they do. This is ingrained behavior of course, excusing men's actions no matter how terrible they are, but it's there, and it needs to be addressed. The sooner we stop making the excuses, the better. Not easy, but necessary.

Wishing the OP the best.
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#22 of 33 Old 01-05-2009, 11:43 PM
 
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Well, I just thought all those assertions about how "men" and "women" are are more what I would expect from an old-school second wave feminist. I know you understand that it is all socially constructed and am not questioning your knowledge or convictions when it comes to gender theories, but it still sounded a little odd to me. I really hope I did not insult you. I do not use the word interesting as a euphemism for something else; it really means interesting.

I guess I just have a hard time assuming the man is lying just because he has a Y chromosome and lives in society that encourages him to assert his masculinity. I am not saying he isn't though. Perhaps I am too much of an idealist...

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#23 of 33 Old 01-06-2009, 06:33 PM
 
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Soso-lynn

I don't identify with any specific 'wave' of feminism. Thank you for clarifying about the intention of your comment.

Gender (and behaviors associated with it) is socialized. Men are socialized, from birth, to take advantage of, use, lie to, and harm/oppress women in all manner of ways. It's step 1 in how patriarchy works and is perpetuated. It's not 'natural' behavior. It's learned behavior, taught and passed down for the specific purpose of maintaining male supremacy.

Step 2 is the enlisting of women to keep other women in line...ie cattiness, queen bees (those in closest proximity to the most powerful men, usually wives or sexual partners), and eternally believing the word of men over the word of women, all evidence to the contrary.

There are many other steps, of course. None of this behavior is innate. It's all taught and learned, and we are all heavily influenced by our culture (which is deeply, deeply, DEEPLY misogynistic...suicidally so).

The OP's scenario, and billions of others like it, plays out every single day in patriarchy. Every single second. Almost never are the men responsible held accountable for their actions. There are always excuses made and a convenient woman somewhere to blame. I hate seeing it, I hate seeing people play into it, and have no choice but to speak out when I do.

Sorry to derail, OP. I truly wish you the best.
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#24 of 33 Old 01-09-2009, 10:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, I know it was at least partially true because the girl knew details.

One of the things that hurt the most was the fact that he apparently said he has been dreaming about his ex every night, waking up wanting desperately to be near her -- and she knew his ex's name. (!) It was after this sentiment was expressed that he said it "made sense that all this was coming about now, since I've been living with a girl for three years now that I love like a sister" & has little desire to do more than hug me and kiss me on the cheek.

I finally was forced to confront him when, upon that latest revelation about his ex, made me go home so angry I couldn't even speak to him or look at him. His whole excuse was that teenagers talk, that if he didn't have those feelings for me I'd be the first to know, and that of course they sometimes talked about things in class that were personal as they are a literary class and that these things affected stories and writings and whatnot.
He also said yes, he kept in touch with a few old students, that most teachers do, and he helps them with questions and writings and whatnot.

?????
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#25 of 33 Old 01-10-2009, 02:22 PM
 
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The only truth you need to know is what you feel in your heart...
I don't mean your romantic heart...I mean your inner knowing, your gut instinct because it knows if this is truly the best relationship for you and if you're getting everything you want and need and deserve.
: Exactly that. What is your gut telling you about what he says to you. Does it feel true? Does this relationship feel really right, regardless of the idealistic, mental image you have of what the relationship could be if only x, y, z would happen/work itself out...?
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#26 of 33 Old 01-13-2009, 06:46 PM
 
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#27 of 33 Old 01-14-2009, 04:29 PM
 
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I would sarcastically tell him "It feels like we are becoming like brother and sister, I never really desire anything more than hugging or kissing. " I would wait for his response, and handle it from there. Anyway this conversation goes, it will end up in an argument, but I would feel so satisfied!! But that's just me and I can be really mean/ bad!!!
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#28 of 33 Old 01-15-2009, 04:25 AM
 
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ditto pretty much what everyone wrote. have a candid talk about where your relationship is going and see what comes out. dont stay in a relationship because it's just comfortable...

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#29 of 33 Old 01-15-2009, 04:52 AM
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#30 of 33 Old 01-23-2009, 10:05 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, I viewed his emails. Oh, yes, it is most definitely true.

I'll get back with more info. when I have more time...
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