January dating thread!!!! - Page 5 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#121 of 306 Old 01-12-2009, 02:15 PM
 
JohnnysGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Land of the Ice & Snow
Posts: 6,515
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne2008 View Post
If he wants to spend time with me, he will go where I want to go....
Good for you for following through with the terms you feel comfortable with. You sound very powerful in this post and I don't worry about you at all, if you continue with this mindset.
JohnnysGirl is offline  
#122 of 306 Old 01-12-2009, 02:19 PM
 
guestmama9915's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 1,366
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yay Anne!! SO glad to hear that. And online dating IS good for getting to know people a bit, it at least helps filter through people a lot more which is tremendously helpful, I think.
guestmama9915 is offline  
#123 of 306 Old 01-12-2009, 02:50 PM
 
peachymomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Poteau Oklahoma
Posts: 514
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Seie View Post
Peachymomma: He sounds like a great guy How is his reaction to you having 5 kids? Just curious as before I started dating I thought it would be near impossible to find a guy who suited me, whom I was in love with and respected, and who would also not mind taking on a lady with three small children. I mean - most couples think 2 kids is more than enough - so going from being single to being in a relationship involving 3 or more stepchildren - that is a BIG deal.

Anyway - just wondering how you avoid getting into a situation where the guy suddenly realises that he has taken on more than he is ready to deal with?


Seie I am very upfront bout having five children. It is one of the first things I mention. That way if there are any doubts at all they have the chance to escape ANd honestly I really dont know how to stay out of the situation where he decides its to much. I do know that men can out on you for any reason and if thats the reason he uses then I really don't want to be with him. When I find the right man he will love me and my children. We are a package deal. I am trying to do the right thing by not letting him meet them for a while and he does get to hear me on the phone while I am talking to them. I dont sugar coat anything. He is very accepting of them and is very excited to be their step-dad if it ever comes to that. He does not have children of his own, but his ex wife has a 12 yr old daughter that he still helps out with her homework and sees her on a EOW basis. It makes me so happy to see that he still loves her like that!



Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne2008 View Post
Welcome peachymomma, congrats on your new guy, sounds like it's going great!
Thank you anne, I think you have a great plan on going to the mall with your new guy. Keep it public and get to know him.

Quote:
=mmace;12969840]Welcome, peachymomma!
Thank you!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post
Damn it, I burst into tears again.
That's the million dollar question

I agree with Holland73 about peachymama's amazing attitude. I wish I could just chalk this all up to a learning experience about men and shrug it off instantly, but I guess I need to not be so hard on myself and let myself just grieve awhile, since it's inevitable, apparently.
((Butterflymom)) BIG HUGS

Greiving is ok and definantly something necessary.

~Carla~ LOVING~ LIFE~
Homebirthing, somewhat crunchy, single mom of ~5~.
peachymomma is offline  
#124 of 306 Old 01-12-2009, 03:00 PM
 
MsChatsAlot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 5,102
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I've just finally caught up reading and can't believe I missed so much.

I just wanted to write a few things that have helped me and continue to help me as I navigate through dating and relationships.

1. Be YOURSELF. All ways, and always. If you're not wanting something, don't do it. It you're not comfortable with something, speak up. Make sure you are clearly expressing WHO YOU REALLY ARE at all times so the person knows what they are getting into and your boundaries, etc.

2. ASK questions. I ask a ton of questions and double back. I'll say, "So, what do you like to do?" Then I'll listen and tuck the answer away. A day or two later, I'll ask something specific about what they said as a way to see if they are truthful. A liar always gets caught in their lies if you continue asking questions. BOOK REC: "Never Be Lied To Again" David J. Lieberman

3. ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION. It is there to guide you and protect you. If you aren't comfortable, if you feel scared, nervous, etc. figure out why you are feeling that way. If it's your intuition, keep yourself safe. If it's your own fears, do some work on yourself before getting in further. BOOK REC: "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin deBecker

4. Be comfortable with yourself/know yourself. If you feel good about who you are, you attract people who will also feel good about themselves and be in a place where you can have a happy, healthy relationship. Know that you are ALWAYS deserving of a healthy, happy relationship and there are so many wonderful people out there, if you're not with a good one...break it off and do what it takes to find a good one.

Life and relationships should feel good. Relationships should be the added spice that doesn't make up our meal but enhances an already wonderful and complete dish. They aren't meant to be the meat to make the dish because you don't already feel complete without it.

Know that adding someone to your life should be fun, loving, healthy, happy and feel comfortable and natural. If it doesn't, it's probably a good time to step back a bit and really look at ourselves, who we are, what we want, where we're going.

There are so many wonderful men out there and we are all such wonderful women here. Make sure you find someone who really matches you, your personality, your lifestyle, your family. Make sure you find someone who really adds something wonderful to your life experience. Make sure you find someone healthy who is willing and able to have a healthy and happy relationship with you too.

Wishing you all love, fun, peace & happy, healthy, dating/relationship experiences.
MsChatsAlot is offline  
#125 of 306 Old 01-12-2009, 06:27 PM
 
Anne2008's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 360
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
MsChatsAlot thanks for sharing your advice, I need to keep reading that.

Im feeling really stressed tonight about all this. Im SO nervous about seeing my guy again because I haven't seen him in over 3 weeks. It's stressing me out! Plus I still don't know where to go with him. DanishMom you made a good point, we probably can't really talk very well if we go to the mall....but then where else can we go where we CAN talk? Apart from my place or his place where there's no distractions...

Im actually considering calling it all off when he calls me tomorrow, because im "that" nervous and anxious about it I hate anxiety. If I do that, I would ask him if we can still talk on the phone as friends and continue to get to know eachother better. Maybe that's all im ready for at this point? I just don't know.

I don't want to give into my fears, but im really feeling like I will. Take the easy way out, im such a whimp when it comes to this stuff. :
Anne2008 is offline  
#126 of 306 Old 01-12-2009, 08:04 PM
 
nataliachick7's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Illinios
Posts: 1,929
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne2008 View Post
MsChatsAlot thanks for sharing your advice, I need to keep reading that.

Im feeling really stressed tonight about all this. Im SO nervous about seeing my guy again because I haven't seen him in over 3 weeks. It's stressing me out! Plus I still don't know where to go with him. DanishMom you made a good point, we probably can't really talk very well if we go to the mall....but then where else can we go where we CAN talk? Apart from my place or his place where there's no distractions...

Im actually considering calling it all off when he calls me tomorrow, because im "that" nervous and anxious about it I hate anxiety. If I do that, I would ask him if we can still talk on the phone as friends and continue to get to know eachother better. Maybe that's all im ready for at this point? I just don't know.

I don't want to give into my fears, but im really feeling like I will. Take the easy way out, im such a whimp when it comes to this stuff. :
anne im a lot like you....and seriously, xanax really helps me in these situations. i know that is not the necessarily the most natural way...but sometimes people need a little extra help. and im in a relationship now that i probably wouldnt have had the guts to move forward with if it wasnt for my xanax on the first couple dates. my anxiety was so bad, i would get physically ill.
good luck.

how about instead of the mall, go to dinner, you can sit and talk, since that is what you would like to do.

DS 5-11-06
nataliachick7 is offline  
#127 of 306 Old 01-12-2009, 08:35 PM
 
JohnnysGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Land of the Ice & Snow
Posts: 6,515
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by nataliachick7 View Post

how about instead of the mall, go to dinner, you can sit and talk, since that is what you would like to do.
:
JohnnysGirl is offline  
#128 of 306 Old 01-12-2009, 09:53 PM
 
Holland73's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Urban Jungle on the Bay
Posts: 2,756
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne2008 View Post
where else can we go where we CAN talk? Apart from my place or his place where there's no distractions...
How about a coffeeshop?

Most coffeeshops have a quiet buzz to them and they are informal enough to be able to just hang out and chat.
Holland73 is online now  
#129 of 306 Old 01-12-2009, 10:12 PM
 
MsChatsAlot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 5,102
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
A coffee shop or restaurant. I've had 3-4 hour lunches with my girlfriends before and have sat for hours chatting in a coffee shop too.
MsChatsAlot is offline  
#130 of 306 Old 01-13-2009, 03:33 AM
 
DanishMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Denmark
Posts: 943
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by nataliachick7 View Post
anne im a lot like you....and seriously, xanax really helps me in these situations. i know that is not the necessarily the most natural way...but sometimes people need a little extra help.
I agree that xanax can be a really good thing but Anne do NOT take it when you are with this guy. You need to be 100% alert. I'd save the xanax for when you have a date with a guy that doesn't exhibit any red flags. You don't want to quiet your intuition in this case. '

MCA: Great list. I'd love to read "protecting the gift". I have an amazing intuition but hardly ever listen to it.

I agree dinner would be really nice. If that's impossible then lunch at the mall is better than nothing. Are there no restaurants or cafés where you live?
DanishMom is offline  
#131 of 306 Old 01-13-2009, 07:25 AM
 
Anne2008's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 360
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by nataliachick7 View Post
anne im a lot like you....and seriously, xanax really helps me in these situations. i know that is not the necessarily the most natural way...but sometimes people need a little extra help. and im in a relationship now that i probably wouldnt have had the guts to move forward with if it wasnt for my xanax on the first couple dates. my anxiety was so bad, i would get physically ill.
good luck.
My anxiety isn't as bad as that, I don't vomit or hyperventilate. I do get light-headed/dizzy and afterwards get bad headaches, but most of the time it's a feeling of being in panic-mode, which is horrible. I'm on medication for depression, which helps, but I haven't actually talked to my doctor about the anxiety. Since the depression has got better, the anixety seems to have got worse. I see a counsellor at the end of this month, so im hanging on until then so I can talk to her about it and ask her if she thinks the doctor will give me anything for it. Im apprehensive about talking to my doctor about it, he wasn't very understanding when I saw him about being depressed. Im waiting for an appointment to see a psychiatrist who my doctor referred me to. So maybe he/she will give me some meds for it? I really want to talk to someone who deals with this stuff, not just my regular doctor who doesn't seem to "get it" at all. :

Quote:
Originally Posted by nataliachick7 View Post
how about instead of the mall, go to dinner, you can sit and talk, since that is what you would like to do.
A place to sit down and drink or eat would be good because we can talk there. I'll suggest that the next time. This time though I've decided I want to sit on a bench at the local town park with him to talk. I hope he's going to be okay with that. I know it's cold outside, but it will be really quiet there, we can talk properly. Im going to talk with him about my depression, anxiety, and my physical health condition. Then see how he reacts to it and if he still wants to be with me or not. -Im not holding my breath over that one.
Anne2008 is offline  
#132 of 306 Old 01-13-2009, 11:34 AM - Thread Starter
 
BelovedK's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: wandering around.... with an aim.
Posts: 16,877
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have been lurking here, keep ing up with your stories I just have not had much time to post.

I wanted to just post a quick update, it is a new cycle for me, so we are working towards a again.. Hopefully I will be posting happy news in less than a month If it doesn't happen though, I am still happy.

Alot of times in relationships, I have had the tendency to let go of other parts of my life that I enjoyed..such as movie nights with friends, other hobbles and other things I kept up with because I was single and had alot of time. I noticed that I was starting to do that again and it freaked me out. I don't want to change and let the relationship be my only focus, it would eventually kill the relationship because I would be only a shadow of who I was when we got together. I am patting myself on the back because I caught it and am not going down that path. bf is supportive of that too

A word for Anne, I understand that you are processing this with all of us and it may or may not be helpful, I know that you will act when you are ready, and maybe this relationship is meant for you to learn tough lessons and maybe you will grow from the experience. I see very clear red flags from both your words about your feelings, and the actions you describe with this man, and I think you do as well (based on what you are posting) Many of us have been through bad/abusive relationships, and many of us can relate with what you are going through and it is painful and frustrating to hear someone go through that difficult denial part of the whole process.

That is one of the reasons why some have expressed frustration with the fact that you have rejected the wisdom of others. Go ahead and continue posting, we are here for you. I am speaking for the forum in general, not each individual member.

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
BelovedK is offline  
#133 of 306 Old 01-13-2009, 12:08 PM
 
guestmama9915's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 1,366
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Good luck to you BelovedK!!
guestmama9915 is offline  
#134 of 306 Old 01-13-2009, 03:20 PM
 
Anne2008's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 360
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
BelovedK Thanks for your support! Really hoping this is your month!

My guy is phoning me in 2 hours, he won't be able to chat much since he'll be at work, but hopefully he will be okay about meeting up at the town park to talk while we sit at a bench. Since I want to discuss personal things with him that are very private (maybe no online but irl they are), the park will be a good place because it will be quiet so no-one will over-hear our conversation which they would in a restuarant/coffee shop. I'm gonna go check if it's going to be ok weather, hopefully not rain.
Anne2008 is offline  
#135 of 306 Old 01-13-2009, 05:16 PM
 
Anne2008's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 360
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Sorry for the double post, I have no life.

I just talked to my guy, a very strange conversation, I'm about ready to end this thing now

I asked him if he still wants to see me tomorrow, he said yes, I said I want to see him too. I said I thought it would be better to meet at the park where it will be quiet and we can have a private conversation. His first words were "No, Im not going to the park". Ok, why? "I don't like the park im not going there" So I again asked what he meant, he replied "I know lots of people who go to that park who I don't want to see" I told him I walk through their everyday and it's empty, very quiet during the daytime. He said "No, I don't to walk around a park" I said why? we took my dog for a walk at the other park and you wanted to sit on a bench in there, so why not this other park? It went on like that for a while : Eventually he said he had a sore foot, to which I said "you were fine when we took my dog for a walk, what happened to your foot?" He didn't have an answer and just said my name and sighed.

He said I was being like an interviewer again (like the other night when I asked about his ex-relationships), and I was "starting again". He got quite mad. :

He didn't want to go to the mall we went to last time, as he said he's bored of going there -fair enough he goes most weeks on his day off, and I didn't want to go there either. He suggested we go to another mall which a good drive away, and I said I didn't want to be around lots of people or at a coffeee shop because I wanted to have a PRIVATE talk with him. He got annoyed.

Then he suggested we go to another park which is even further away and I said no because I've never been there, it's quite a drive away, and I want to be some place I'm familair and comfortable with. He replied with "Im not going to kidnap you!" :

Was I honestly being difficult or unfair to him? All I wanted to do was meet up in a local place, easy to get to that we are both familiar with. It's a safe park. I asked him if something bad had happened to him there and he said no. So what's his problem? Fair enough if he doesn't like the place, but he didn't make me understand why, and I told him I didn't understand.

He also said he never wants to meet up in my town again (wtf?) apart from coming to my home! I asked him why? And said I really didn't understand since he was fine the 3 times we met up and walked my dog here at the other park. He wouldn't give any straight answers. In the end I said "well that's going to be a problem considering I live in this town."

I didn't have anything else to say, I wasn't going to back down and give into what he wants. Im disappointed because I feel like he should have wanted to meet me anywhere, and not even cared where we met (unless it was some place awful), because he should be wanting to see ME more than being bothered about where we go. Is that wrong?

So I didn't say anything, there was silence, I thought he was going to hang up. He then said "ok I'll meet you at the park at 11, I'm going back to work now." And hung up.

What are your thoughts? Im totally ::
Anne2008 is offline  
#136 of 306 Old 01-13-2009, 05:20 PM
 
mimim's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 2,559
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Anne! Just dump him!

Rainbow.gif ~ Molly
mimim is offline  
#137 of 306 Old 01-13-2009, 05:30 PM
 
DanishMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Denmark
Posts: 943
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Wow - that is really abusive. You are know dealing with the shift from potential to actual abusive behavior. Yes - dump him. No reason to see him tomorrow. I really don't want you to tell this guy about your health problems. You'll feel bad that you told him cause his reaction will be bad.

I'm sorry.
DanishMom is offline  
#138 of 306 Old 01-13-2009, 07:34 PM
 
guestmama9915's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 1,366
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Anne!! What in the world... something is just wholly wrong with that conversation. I'm glad you feeling like being done with him, because that is just weird. Like is he hiding something? It seems very odd to have such a conversation at this point in things, and getting all mad? Huge red flag!!

I don't think he deserves to know your personal things, either.
guestmama9915 is offline  
#139 of 306 Old 01-13-2009, 07:39 PM
 
guestmama9915's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 1,366
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
...
guestmama9915 is offline  
#140 of 306 Old 01-13-2009, 07:46 PM
 
mimim's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 2,559
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by tripleaces View Post
Me and my new guy talk constantly constantly!! All day during work via IM, he likes to email me random funny things and on the phone at night... I mean, come on! I've only known him (in real life) for 5 days. I'm just so completely enthralled. I'm trying so hard to focus on other things and I'm just soooooooooo distracted. And we keep coming up with all these things we absolutely must do! .. my goodness, we're scheduled for months to come. How silly, right?

So silly!! :

I think I've lost my mind.
Isn't it fun?

We've done this a lot, too, but are backing off now a bit. I'm getting seriously sleep deprived from spending so much time talking to him at night! So now we spend less time on the IMs and phone. Instead I think about him all day long. He says he does the same thing.

Rainbow.gif ~ Molly
mimim is offline  
#141 of 306 Old 01-13-2009, 08:51 PM
 
MsChatsAlot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 5,102
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Very cool and exciting tripleaces!

Anne - When healthy & happy people are intrigued/interested/falling for someone they are willing to meet anywhere, anytime, anyplace. They do not care about anything except being together and will rearrange schedules to do it. Spend some time sitting with how you felt on the phone, how you feel about it now and where you think this may go. Please know there are really wonderful men out there. Men who are willing to walk the dog once a week for a month if it means they get to spend time with you. Men who respect your boundaries and honor them. Men who read your cues, hear your words and do their best to respond accordingly. Those are the men you want to find and date and they will want to date you too.
MsChatsAlot is offline  
#142 of 306 Old 01-14-2009, 05:40 AM
 
Seie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,512
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Anne: Well it seems your guy is showing his real nature now. The way you feel confused and dont know if you are the one who is wrong - it is a classic way to feel when in an abusive relationship. Abusers make you feel like you are always the one to be wrong, that whenever something is wrong its your fault. And he did exactly that to you on the phone.

When you were trying to ask him a simple question he turned it around to make YOU seem wrong for asking it. That is being abusive. The way he got angry with you - well if he is acting that way with you already I can PROMISE you, that if you pursue a relationship you will end up being shouted at, made to feel bad about yourself every time you try to put your foot down etc. The guy is abusive. And you hardly even know him yet. In comparison my ex was never abusive to begin with - we had know eachother for months and months before the red flags started popping up. And that all ended pretty badly - I left the day he threw a fist towards the back of my head - luckily missing.
Im happy to see that you realise that something is wrong here - cause you are right. Something IS wrong. And its something wrong with HIM - not you.

Single mom to ds(8), dd(6) and ds(5)
 

Seie is offline  
#143 of 306 Old 01-14-2009, 08:31 AM
 
Anne2008's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 360
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thanks for the advice, I totally agree.....-d and was 99% ready to dump him yesterday. First I wanted to go ahead with meeting him and talk through everything I felt unhappy about, and then break up with him.

So this morning he phoned me and asked if we could meet up an hour earlier as he had work earlier than originally, and he wanted to meet where we did the 3 times we took my dog for a walk -so I said ok.

We met up (with my dog), and walked/talked for 45 minutes. I brought up everything that was bothering me and that made me feel uncomfortable in the past 2 phone conversations we had had. We talked through it. I said I felt weird after our convo last night because he seemed to get angry I didn't want to meet him at a certain place, -he said he wasn't angry just annoyed. I made it clear I wanted to meet some place I know and am familiar with and how him saying he doesnt want to come to my home town anymore would be a problem because I live here, -he said he didn't mean that, he meant he doesn't like certain areas of this town -the park being one of them -but wouldn't explain why. I said about how he made me feel I was wrong to ask him questions about stuff, as referred to me as "an interviewer" and said I was "starting again", and explained I think to get to know someone you do have to ask them questions, how else do you get to find things out about them? -he said he was getting bored with all the questions and some of them didn't make any sense (ok???-they made sense to me). I said about the sexual questions making me feel really uncomfortable, that Im a very shy person, asked him if for some reason I had come accross NOT shy, and I didn't like being asked those kinds of qestions like "what are you like in bed?" -He said he didn't think I was as shy as I obviously am, and thought it was okay to ask sexual things because he sees couples talk about that stuff on tv/in movies, but the fact I refused to answer made it clear to him I wasn't okay discussing those things and that was ok with him. -I said some women are okay with it, and that's fine upto them, but Im not and I did find it disrespectful.

We talked about other general stuff too, but I am really glad we talked through everything I felt unhappy about. It made me feel comfortable to be there with him and to go for an longer walk which he suggested we did so we could continue talking a while longer. I do feel a lot better about him now. There are still a few things Im uncomfortable about, but on the whole it seemed to sort stuff out and make things better.

I let him kiss me Full on tongue type kissing 4 seperate times! He grabbed my butt a couple times which made me laugh! How embarrassing And he was like "I know it's your private part but we can share it" LOL
He felt my boob too (over my coat ofcourse!) and said "you have nice ones". I totally laughed again. I don't know how to handle that stuff!
Anne2008 is offline  
#144 of 306 Old 01-14-2009, 09:18 AM
 
Seie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,512
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Anne: Oh dear.. You are seeing the red flags and passing them one by one.. Watching this from afar is plain scary

Single mom to ds(8), dd(6) and ds(5)
 

Seie is offline  
#145 of 306 Old 01-14-2009, 09:27 AM
 
DanishMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Denmark
Posts: 943
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Seie View Post
Anne: Oh dear.. You are seeing the red flags and passing them one by one.. Watching this from afar is plain scary
Yes, it's very scary. Not, that I don't feel sorry for you Anne but I feel even worse for your son. He has no choice in this. Our kids needs us to have healthy relationships or we wont be able to be great moms. I think most of us here can testify to that. Even the greatest mom can turn into a mom who is stressed out and only has energy to deal with her own problems once she's in an abusive relationship.
DanishMom is offline  
#146 of 306 Old 01-14-2009, 10:23 AM
 
JohnnysGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Land of the Ice & Snow
Posts: 6,515
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by DanishMom View Post
I think most of us here can testify to that. Even the greatest mom can turn into a mom who is stressed out and only has energy to deal with her own problems once she's in an abusive relationship.
:

After reading about Anne's last conversation and then her last park date with her abusive boyfriend, I actually felt sick to my stomach, felt all the energy drain out of my body, and like I wasn't sure whether I wanted to vomit or burst into tears. Not so much for her sake, like DanishMom said, but because it won't be long, at this rate, before her son loses his previously fabulous mom, and she's replaced with a different woman who is just totally distracted by walking on eggshells/trying to figure him out/feeling guilty/justifying behavior/feeling awful or nervous, in this relationship which has already turned abusive after one movie date, a couple of walks in the park, and a handful of creepy phone conversations where he already is showing himself to be a liar (but not a very good one) and have serious anger issues.

God if STBXH ever hung up the phone or got mad at me that freakin' early in the relationship..... well,.... of course he didn't. He was prince charming for 9 months and waited until I had moved to a foreign country and gotten pregnant and gotten engaged, and were planning the wedding details before he started doing anything similar to this behavior to me, and at that point I really felt like I had already made my choices to be with this man and I should try to 'talk out' our problems and fix things, somehow.
Anne2008, you are getting more obvious red flags of abuse, and earlier on in the relationship than I have ever heard of. He's not even very good at this whole game of getting a woman entangled with him before letting his true colors come out. You let him fondle and talk about your ass and breasts in a public park and have passionate tongue kisses four separate times? That would be absolutely fine, except for that it's you, and all of us know here on this board that it's not something that you want at this point in the relationship (to get more sexual with him, immediately). But you just went along with it. :

Quote:
Please know there are really wonderful men out there. Men who are willing to walk the dog once a week for a month if it means they get to spend time with you. Men who respect your boundaries and honor them. Men who read your cues, hear your words and do their best to respond accordingly. Those are the men you want to find and date and they will want to date you too. .

: Anne2008, please believe these words. You haven't even spoken with a potential 'guy' in your life, other than him, in 6 years, so you really have no perspective and concept of how other men could treat you, and I'm just fairly certain it makes you an easy target for this 24 year old Afghani guy who is (seemingly) able to manipulate you. Comparison shop, Anne2008! You'll see him in a whole new light and I bet you'll be dodging the slutty kiss and ass grope next time you see him, if you ever are willing to see him again, after you find out that there are other men out there who would love a shot with you.
Put up a dating profile on match.com or eharmony.com and try to find a headshot of yourself you really like, and write a few sentences describing yourself and your situation honestly (without getting into terribly deep and personal description of course), and watch the emails from men in your area come rolling into your inbox, introducing and describing themselves, and offering to get to know you a little bit better over email and phone before you have to even consider getting together in person. I think this would be your perfect next move (along with dumping mr. 24-year-old-ass-groper-tongue-thruster). You won't believe us that there are other halfway-decent men who would be interested in you until you see for yourself, and what's to be so scared of by putting a profile on a website--you can do that from the comfort of your home, behind your computer screen, just to test the waters before any social anxiety could come into play. Go for it!
JohnnysGirl is offline  
#147 of 306 Old 01-14-2009, 10:25 AM
 
Seie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,512
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Anne what did you expect him to say when you confronted him with these things? Did you expect him to go "Oh yes, I use anger as a way to control my women" or "Yes, I really meant for you to do things my way because I was sulking, and I was being that way so you would do as I pleased", or "Yes, I brought up sex because I think its only fair that you invite me over so we can have sex as soon as possible"
He answered to all your concerns in the classic way - he brushed it all aside like its nothing, that you are overreacting and that ofcourse he is a nice guy. Everyone thinks they are nice people. Hey I bet Jack the Ripper thought he was a pretty good guy..
Abuse is not just about being unpleasent - its about manipulation. Manipulation is also about being nice when that is what is needed to keep the situation under control.
The guy is playing you..

Single mom to ds(8), dd(6) and ds(5)
 

Seie is offline  
#148 of 306 Old 01-14-2009, 10:28 AM
 
Anne2008's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 360
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't mean to be ignoring the red flags, I just think we have sorted some stuff out today through talking and it's made a big difference. You don't think his replies to that stuff were good?

Im still unsure, I seem to go from thinking it will be good, to thinking it isn't right. Theres still things that make me uncomfortable. Such as him seeming quite a moody person, how he avoids answering things at times, I feel like he's getting bored of me. He said today at one point how I had a lot to say on the phone but today I was quiet. Well I am a quiet person, and I don't have a lot to say generally. Sometimes Im chatty but not always. It felt like he was calling me boring though -im thinking of joining a dating website, see if I can meet some nice guys that way, and then maybe I will see this in the right perspective?

Ahhh! I don't know! Danishmom I know I have to do the best thing for my son, he hasn't met the guy yet and won't be for a long time, It isn't harming him if I see him on my own. He isn't taking time away from my son as I only see him while he's at school.
Anne2008 is offline  
#149 of 306 Old 01-14-2009, 10:45 AM
 
Seie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,512
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Anne no his replies were not good. He was doing exactly as we had warned you he would if you brought the stuff up with him. He said what you obviously wanted to hear.
I have been through this a THOUSAND times with my ex. He would yell and shout at me, tell me how I was a horrible housewife, that the house was a mess because of me, that I never did anything but sit on my butt and blah blah blah. Then when he calmed down I would talk it over with him - trying to be sensible and understanding. I would tell him how sad it made me when he shouted at me like that, that I was at the end of my rope, that I couldnt do it anymore etc. And he would be very understanding and hug me and say that oh yes, I am putting you through so much, Im so sorry, you know you mean the world to me - he would say ALL the right things and I would feel exactly as you describe - that now we had worked things out, and he would try not to do it again.
But guess what. It was only words. Words are so easy to speak. Action is something different.

Your guy has shown you his personality already. He has shown you how he reacts when you dont do things the way he wants. He will not change that attitude because you had a conversation. He has shown you already that he is not respecting or reading the signals that you send out, that he has no problems overstepping your boundaries. And that will not change. He can say all the right words, but he will be the same person. He will still not read your signals, he will keep pushing you into things that you are unsure of and if you dont do things his way, he will make you feel like its because YOU have issues.
And every time you bring those things up with him, he will say whatever is needed to calm you down and keep you where he wants you.
Its the classic cycle of abuse. And like Butterflymom said - you have only dated him a very short time. My ex who eventually made my life a living hell showed none of the obvious abusive behaviours that your guy is showing - not for a long time into the relationship.
You are heading for trouble, you really are.

Single mom to ds(8), dd(6) and ds(5)
 

Seie is offline  
#150 of 306 Old 01-14-2009, 11:03 AM
 
DanishMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Denmark
Posts: 943
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne2008 View Post
I don't mean to be ignoring the red flags, I just think we have sorted some stuff out today through talking and it's made a big difference. You don't think his replies to that stuff were good?

Anne, the fact that you can even ask us if we don't think his replies were good is just sad. It shows how inexperienced you are with men and relationships and that you are such an easy target for his behavior. His replies were awful for all the reasons that Butterflymom and Seie have already stated.

Im still unsure, I seem to go from thinking it will be good, to thinking it isn't right. Theres still things that make me uncomfortable. Such as him seeming quite a moody person, how he avoids answering things at times, I feel like he's getting bored of me. He said today at one point how I had a lot to say on the phone but today I was quiet. Well I am a quiet person, and I don't have a lot to say generally. Sometimes Im chatty but not always. It felt like he was calling me boring though -im thinking of joining a dating website, see if I can meet some nice guys that way, and then maybe I will see this in the right perspective? He is complaining about the kind of person you are. You need someone who'll understand and respect your need to be silent from time to time. Not someone who wants to change it.

Ahhh! I don't know! Danishmom I know I have to do the best thing for my son, he hasn't met the guy yet and won't be for a long time, It isn't harming him if I see him on my own. He isn't taking time away from my son as I only see him while he's at school.
My bet is that your son already notices the difference. You already worry about this relationship. It doesn't matter if he never ever meets your son. Abusive relationships will slowly break you down as Butterflymom told you. You'll spend your energy on walking on eggshells and when he treats you badly you'll worry and be sad. More sad than you can imagine. And you already have problems with anxiety.

You already worry a lot as it is. Multiply that worry with 1000 and that's how you'll feel in a year. Your son will suffer tremendously. I don't mean to be harsh but it's your responsibility to your son to find a healthy relationship that will make his mama an even better and happier mama. As we've all told you you have more red flags than any of us here have had in the beginning of our abusive relationships. Please break up with him - if not for you then for your son. Your son only has you. The wait and see approach is dangerous. It'll be harder and harder for you to break up and your life will be more affected by it. Your son will suffer - believe me he will - and you'll look back and remember all the mamas here who warned you again and again and again. You'll hate yourself for not having listened.
DanishMom is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off