January dating thread!!!! - Page 9 - Mothering Forums
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#241 of 306 Old 01-20-2009, 10:12 PM
 
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He's not ready. I didn't really think that was what I wanted either, until any possibility of one was taken away.

I dunno. I date one person at a time. I don't know how it works any other way. I feel like it was all an act or something. There's much more to it and we have a lot of history together so this feel like a big smack in the face.
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#242 of 306 Old 01-21-2009, 01:01 AM
 
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BMG,

Big bummer! having sex with more than one person? how could anyone handle more than you?

it seems like it goes without saying but i guess some people see relationships differently... bummer for your kids, too.
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#243 of 306 Old 01-21-2009, 05:55 AM
 
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A HUGE :

Your body... your rules.

Having worked rape crisis lines... I STRONGLY, STRONGLY recommend that you NOT compromise your boundaries when it comes to YOUR body.

If there is one area where EVERY single woman on this planet should know how and when to say no... this is would be the area: your body!
Anne: I must admit I've been thinking about this and I'm really concerned that you think touching and kissing is something to be negotiated like that. That you engage in it when you don't like it. The lack of respect for your own boundaries and the fact that you are in such a hurry to find someone (and you don't think you can find someone really great anyway) makes me want to repeat that I don't think you are ready to date. I think you should spend time to heal whatever it is that you need to heal. So instead of spending time on setting up profiles on dating sites I think you should find some kind of therapy that you can afford. You just wont find a great relationship when you aren't ready for it and you're doing it for all the wrong reasons. It's going to crash eventually if the foundation isn't solid and healthy.

As I've set before I'm afraid you'll attract the wrong kind of guys (abusive) but thinking about the way you dealt with your ex-guy when he kissed you or touched you makes me afraid that you'll meat someone who'll harm you sexually. It could be a rapist but it could also be someone who'll make you ignore your sexual boundaries and will make you do things you don't want to do. If it is taken too far the effects can be extremely damaging. Please think about this.
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#244 of 306 Old 01-21-2009, 06:30 AM
 
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Anne: I must admit I've been thinking about this and I'm really concerned that you think touching and kissing is something to be negotiated like that. That you engage in it when you don't like it. The lack of respect for your own boundaries and the fact that you are in such a hurry to find someone (and you don't think you can find someone really great anyway) makes me want to repeat that I don't think you are ready to date. I think you should spend time to heal whatever it is that you need to heal. So instead of spending time on setting up profiles on dating sites I think you should find some kind of therapy that you can afford. You just wont find a great relationship when you aren't ready for it and you're doing it for all the wrong reasons. It's going to crash eventually if the foundation isn't solid and healthy.

As I've set before I'm afraid you'll attract the wrong kind of guys (abusive) but thinking about the way you dealt with your ex-guy when he kissed you or touched you makes me afraid that you'll meat someone who'll harm you sexually. It could be a rapist but it could also be someone who'll make you ignore your sexual boundaries and will make you do things you don't want to do. If it is taken too far the effects can be extremely damaging. Please think about this.
Yeah that!
Having been in a relationship with an abuser who also thought pushing my sexual boundaries was a big turn-on I must say this is very importent. If you wanna kiss someone - by all means go ahead - same if you wanna do more than that. But never let anyone bully you into doing things his way. It's gonna come back and hit you in the face!

Bugmacgee: Aargh - some men are just.. I dont buy into the "I guess he just saw things differently blah blah" When you spend so much time with someone and even play with their kids it goes without saying that you dont date anyone else. Its about plain and simple respect for the other person. ANd I dont agree that you are not exclusive with someone until you have made a deal to be. I think its the opposite way around. If you start being intimate with someone I think it goes without saying that you dont fool around with someone else, unless there is an agreement about it. I feel so angry for you. He treated you horribly! I hope you can get through to understand that you deserve better than someone who doesnt take you seriously

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#245 of 306 Old 01-21-2009, 07:16 AM
 
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Anne: I must admit I've been thinking about this and I'm really concerned that you think touching and kissing is something to be negotiated like that. That you engage in it when you don't like it. The lack of respect for your own boundaries and the fact that you are in such a hurry to find someone (and you don't think you can find someone really great anyway) makes me want to repeat that I don't think you are ready to date. I think you should spend time to heal whatever it is that you need to heal. So instead of spending time on setting up profiles on dating sites I think you should find some kind of therapy that you can afford. You just wont find a great relationship when you aren't ready for it and you're doing it for all the wrong reasons. It's going to crash eventually if the foundation isn't solid and healthy.

As I've set before I'm afraid you'll attract the wrong kind of guys (abusive) but thinking about the way you dealt with your ex-guy when he kissed you or touched you makes me afraid that you'll meat someone who'll harm you sexually. It could be a rapist but it could also be someone who'll make you ignore your sexual boundaries and will make you do things you don't want to do. If it is taken too far the effects can be extremely damaging. Please think about this.
I think you're right Danishmom. I'm very sad to admit it but I think maybe I'm not ready to date yet...still! Gah...when will I be ready? It's been 6 years I've been single, and not looking or bothered until now, but in that time I have NOT worked through anything with myself (therapy), I just thought it was my personality to be this way and I still sort of do. But when I think about if I was looking in on my own life and how I'm viewing things, I wouldn't think it's the best way to go into a relationship.

But I really really want to be in one, then I don't -that right there must mean im not 100% ready yet, right?

This phone guy said last night he is looking for a long-term relationship with someone (which is good cos that's what I want too), but he has dated a few women who seemed to be uninterested in him. He said he got frustrated because they never asked to see him or suggested place to go etc, it was all him asking to meet up/suggesting places to go etc. Which is weird he said that because im totally feeling that way already,...like I can't be bothered to see someone all that much yk? I want my own space and time alone too. Anyone else feel like that? Like im not really going to be "into it", but I still want it...

BugMacGee I agree with Seie, and im sorry things didn't work out with that guy. Sorry but what a jerk! -To be hanging out with your kids and everything, and not being exclusive with you. I think he should have known that wasn't ok.
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#246 of 306 Old 01-21-2009, 07:47 AM
 
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Anne I think I am not as radical as those saying you shouldnt date at all. I think its probably healthy that you get outthere and get some experience.
But I do agree that you need to work on some stuff. IMO you need to start doing some personal work on these issues.

1. Selfesteem
2. Do some serious thinking about what it is you want and especially what you DONT want. Seriously - make a list of what you will NOT compromise with when it comes to men and dating.
3. Get out there in the world and get some dating experience!

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#247 of 306 Old 01-21-2009, 08:10 AM
 
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He's not ready.... this feel like a big smack in the face.
I totally relate. I'm also dealing with a 'he's not ready' type of guy that I totally fell for last Halloween and still can't seem to shake off my mind. Let's wish that in 2009 we meet 'ready' guys!
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#248 of 306 Old 01-21-2009, 10:28 AM
 
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I think you're right Danishmom. I'm very sad to admit it but I think maybe I'm not ready to date yet...still! Gah...when will I be ready? It's been 6 years I've been single, and not looking or bothered until now, but in that time I have NOT worked through anything with myself (therapy), I just thought it was my personality to be this way and I still sort of do. But when I think about if I was looking in on my own life and how I'm viewing things, I wouldn't think it's the best way to go into a relationship.
If you start dating now you'll be putting your energy into finding a guy/dating and you wont be motivated to work on yourself in therapy. Not to be snarky but what have you done this last week in terms of finding a therapist/self help books etc. How much energy have been spent on dating related things and how much have went into finding a therapist etc. And I don't want you to answer that - just think about it.

Now if you were already in therapy and discussed these things in therapy getting dating experience would be a good thing.

I don't think it's just personality - I think it's the ways you have been influenced to think about yourself and your relationship with others. These are possible to change! I also don't think that Seie's advice that you work on yourself to get more self esteem is something you can do on your own when you suffer from different kinds of anxiety.
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#249 of 306 Old 01-21-2009, 10:41 AM
 
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I totally relate. I'm also dealing with a 'he's not ready' type of guy that I totally fell for last Halloween and still can't seem to shake off my mind. Let's wish that in 2009 we meet 'ready' guys!
I know you're talking about guys there, but it struck me I'm like that too, only the girl version. "not ready" type of girl maybe hmm.. and that isn't very fair to a guy if I date him and then don't feel totally "into" it because im not ready -which is what happened with you two ladies. (other way round ofcourse) I really can't decide whether to meet up with this phone guy or not. He said he wants us to meet so we can get to know eachother better.

Danishmom I get your point and agree, so I will be looking into how I can help myself. Im terrible at this because I either just think "Oh just need some more time and I'll be okay, these issues will disappear" or I try to ignore it all yk? Obviously those haven't helped, and I need to look at other options available to me.
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#250 of 306 Old 01-21-2009, 12:32 PM
 
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I don't think the length of time one is single is as significant as the work one does after ending a relationship.

I used to bounce from one relationship to another and never really knew myself, allowed myself to be mistreated in relationships and generally had sucky/horrible relationships.

I have spent much of my single time alone. I've dated here and there, had a few relationships, but mostly I've been on my own. I've become very comfortable with myself, I know my boundaries, I know my desires, I know my needs. What is the best part is that I FINALLY get that I'm not looking for someone to complete me. I already am complete. I have a lot of interests, I'm a great person and I have a full life. Meeting someone is merely a bonus to my already great life and I'm realizing how wonderful it is to be this way when entering a relationship and it makes all the difference in the world.

I hope you take the time to discover this too, because it is a real gift to myself and the other person in the relationship too.
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#251 of 306 Old 01-21-2009, 02:44 PM
 
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BugMacGee, so sorry... that is just, hrm.. shocking. Yuck.

I agree w/ the others, Anne... I do think that doing some light dating would be good for you still, but it does seem you also need to focus on yourself a bit here instead of other people.
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#252 of 306 Old 01-22-2009, 03:44 AM
 
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Hi beautiful women, I am astounded by the depth and quantity of dating going on!

Anne, i gotta admit, I thought at first there was something about you that was needing attention...It is an amazing process, finding yourself in all these transitions, yes? I just want to say, you are an open person, and that is so important to being healthy. It just feels like you are on the right track, it has been amazing to be able to see the opening, and I'm proud of you.

I made it through the whole thread, I was internet-less for so long. You all made me laugh with the shortness debate; my love is my EXACT same height, and I'm 5 10. He loveslovesloves it when I wear heels and it makes me feel like this amazon...i kinda like it...he adds to my feeling powerful. I was never much of a girly girl growing up, and will probably never be; this guy brings out this feminine aspect of me that is so sexy...wearing heels every once in a while is just a piece of it. It's so exciting to really love the feminine part and still kick it in chucks and jeans too...he really likes who i am and i get to be real and fantasy at the same time....

Can you tell i miss him intensely? My x decided i should not be in my hometown with my aging parents to take care of them; after saying it was ok for me to be here and then recinding, he got the DA to uphold the custody agreement which says he gets 2 days...I had to drive 3200 miles back after settling my kids on the east coast so I wouldn't get in legal trouble. After I got back...did he see the kids? This guy who choked me and pushed me and made my life hell...he's seen the kids for a total of 2 hours in 3 weeks. Our court date is on Feb 11, so if you pray, or hold me in your thoughts, or send me some energy...i need it.

So far we are holding strong, myself and this man i dated when I was a whole 19 years old. We feel like total kindred souls with connections in arts and music and children...we have our differences but we deal with them like great adults...the time difference is a killer, as we are texting and on the phone, it sucks. I need to figure out the skype thing!

I hope I didn't ex vent too much lol tripleaces! I really need to keep my kids safe and start a new life. I'm 35 and just lost everything thinking I could start a new life only to be hauled back. I'm living with my friend in a 2 br apt with her daughter & my 2 kids until the court date...argh. I will do this.

Love will find a way MCA and Seie...love to you all, i am so grateful to hear everyone's great trials and tribulations. I love the open dialougue, thanks for being here for me
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#253 of 306 Old 01-22-2009, 07:59 AM
 
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mschats thanks for your insight.
tripleaces and mountain glad things are going so good for you and your guys! Good to hear some are having more luck than me!

I've decided not to date yet, I'm going to tell the phone guy probably later today, that I want to continue talking with him from time to time on the phone and am interested in getting to know him better, but I don't feel I want to meet up yet.

I bet he will end whatever we have straight away because he already said he wants to meet up as that's how we will get to know eachother better. I do agree, but I don't feel I want to....ugh.
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#254 of 306 Old 01-22-2009, 10:04 PM
 
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jumping in here

I met someone.:

He is it.
I'm ridiculously happy and very much in love.
He has 2 kids of his own, and is very involved in their lives. He is great with Eden.
It did happen really fast, but we're both on the same page and despite it all happening fast we aren't rushing into any life changes like moving in together or anything of that sort.
To make things even stranger he is my ex's (who left when dd was 6 weeks old) good friend. ex doesn't know yet that we are dating but he will be told soon. (he tried to but something happened)
Anyways I can't explain it in any other way then this is what i have waited my whole life for. it just works and is so organic when we are together.
I honestly feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

: feminist mama to DD 04/08
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#255 of 306 Old 01-23-2009, 06:23 AM
 
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Kristiana: Congratulations - that's wonderful Sometimes life is really sweet isn't it!

I had hoped to meet up with my guy today, but they are working overtime and have for the past week. Im pretty frustrated about it. And a bit confused about his patient and calm way to have a relationship.
In every way so far he has shown me that he really means business. Every time I have felt insecure about his feelings and intentions he has always proven that he IS interested and that he DOES take this seriously.
But I am getting worried that our very different approach to this relationship business is going to be a problem I literally long for him every hour of the day, I think about him all the time, I look forward to meeting him all week. And he seems so - calm about it all. It seems that he doesnt really mind that its two weeks where we dont meet up - like its no big deal as he doesnt seem to mind things going slow. He has indicated several times that this is for real and that he sees potential for a long relationship too - I just cant get my head around why he's not as thrilled about meeting up whenever possible as I am?
I spoke with him on the phone yesterday- a very pleasent conversation as always, and when he seemed like he couldnt find the energy or time to meet up because of his work I admit I got pretty dissappointed and that shined through. He got a bit distant and said he had to go to bed. I felt really bad afterwards - I dont want to be sulking when he doesnt do things my way. I want to respect that he is a slow-goer and that he has a lot of stuff going on atm. He seems like such a rock - and I'm anything but!
As usual I am not sure if this is a problem with me - my insecurity - or if its simply a man/woman kind of thing. That it really is as simple as him not having much time/energy atm. Argh - enough - you get the picture..

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#256 of 306 Old 01-23-2009, 06:37 AM
 
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2xshy Congrats! That sounds wonderful

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I had hoped to meet up with my guy today, but they are working overtime and have for the past week. Im pretty frustrated about it. And a bit confused about his patient and calm way to have a relationship.
In every way so far he has shown me that he really means business. Every time I have felt insecure about his feelings and intentions he has always proven that he IS interested and that he DOES take this seriously.
But I am getting worried that our very different approach to this relationship business is going to be a problem I literally long for him every hour of the day, I think about him all the time, I look forward to meeting him all week. And he seems so - calm about it all. It seems that he doesnt really mind that its two weeks where we dont meet up - like its no big deal as he doesnt seem to mind things going slow. He has indicated several times that this is for real and that he sees potential for a long relationship too - I just cant get my head around why he's not as thrilled about meeting up whenever possible as I am?
Seie I totally relate to that! -but from the opposite side to you. I'm the one who is really calm about having a relationship, not that into it, not bothered if I don't see him for a while or however long...and like you, the guy isn't going to feel too happy about that and is going to be frustrated. -this is why I'm trying to keep things slow with my phone guy and not meet up yet, Because I don't want him to feel that way yk? It isn't fair on him, and imo isn't fair on you (Seie).

Now having said that, our situations are completely different, your guy has seen you a lot and committed to you etc. I've heard people say before, in every couple there is one person who is more "into it" than the other...do you think that's true? Cos maybe that's all it is with you two? Like he is into you a LOT but you are into him maybe that little bit more?
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#257 of 306 Old 01-23-2009, 10:17 AM
 
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Kristiana: Congratulations - that's wonderful Sometimes life is really sweet isn't it!

I had hoped to meet up with my guy today, but they are working overtime and have for the past week. Im pretty frustrated about it. And a bit confused about his patient and calm way to have a relationship.
In every way so far he has shown me that he really means business. Every time I have felt insecure about his feelings and intentions he has always proven that he IS interested and that he DOES take this seriously.
But I am getting worried that our very different approach to this relationship business is going to be a problem I literally long for him every hour of the day, I think about him all the time, I look forward to meeting him all week. And he seems so - calm about it all. It seems that he doesnt really mind that its two weeks where we dont meet up - like its no big deal as he doesnt seem to mind things going slow. He has indicated several times that this is for real and that he sees potential for a long relationship too - I just cant get my head around why he's not as thrilled about meeting up whenever possible as I am?
I spoke with him on the phone yesterday- a very pleasent conversation as always, and when he seemed like he couldnt find the energy or time to meet up because of his work I admit I got pretty dissappointed and that shined through. He got a bit distant and said he had to go to bed. I felt really bad afterwards - I dont want to be sulking when he doesnt do things my way. I want to respect that he is a slow-goer and that he has a lot of stuff going on atm. He seems like such a rock - and I'm anything but!
As usual I am not sure if this is a problem with me - my insecurity - or if its simply a man/woman kind of thing. That it really is as simple as him not having much time/energy atm. Argh - enough - you get the picture..
Oh my goodness, this has been a HUGE issue with me and bf. I finally really get it that he is just different about time. When I say, "I can't wait to see you," it means literally that it is hard to wait, that the days/hours/minutes all matter to me. When he says it, he seems to mean, "I look forward to see you." But if it's in the afternoon vs. evening is of no matter to him. For a long time I took it personally, thinking that if *I* had that approach, it would be an indication of less passion. But for him, he is just as passionate, it's just that he feels more continuity when we are apart. He says it's like I'm still with him.

Now I joke that I don't miss him, cause I've got him in my pocket.

It's just a totally different way of holding the relationship. He said that when we've had near-break-ups, he has lost that sense of continuity, and he is MUCH more bereft at those times than I am. (I think I get numb, so that's a different issue.) But as long as things are good between us, he has this sense of carryign the relationship with him that makes it less urgent if he sees me one day or another.

Hope this helps. Once I suddenly saw it from his shoes, I was like, OOOOHHHH! Wow, I get it. It does not mean anything bad. Now we realize that we need to be aware and compassionate to each other when we operate differently in this way. He needs to have compassion for me that the actual time really matters, and I will be super disappointed if it gets pushed back in time. And I need to be compassionate with him, and not get totally offended and push him away in response.
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#258 of 306 Old 01-23-2009, 12:14 PM
 
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Seie... that would be *really* hard for me. I mean, sometimes I feel that way about a relationship, but that to me would mean I'm simply not all that into it. So if I *am* into someone and want to see and talk tot hem at every possible moment and they didn't feel the same way, it would really bother me too. But some people are just different... I hope you can find a way to work it out. But you also need to have what you need... I dunno.

2xshy - congrats!! Sounds lovely. It seems things often move very very fast.. enjoy the ride.

mountain, a little ex venting never hurt. Glad to hear things are going well, despite the distance!
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#259 of 306 Old 01-23-2009, 02:48 PM
 
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Thanks girls
Zeta - it sounds like our guys could be twins

I have wondered if he is just "not that into me" but he keeps proving my insecurities wrong, he keeps indicating that he means this for real so - I lean towards thinking that we are just really different.
Anyway - maybe I was too fast to get all grumpy about it - he called this afternoon to tell me that he would be on a train as soon as he finishes work today So he will be with me anyway - I'm gonna pick him up in a couple hours and we'll go out for a drink or two before catching the bus home I do think however that the time for another version of "the talk" is approaching... I am at a point where I kind of need to know a bit more about what his intentions/feelings are..

How do I do that without sounding like I am putting pressure on him to say stuff he may not be ready to tell me yet? Its pretty obvious by now that I just tend to move faster than he does when it comes to these things. I do however think that he is more of a long term kind of person - that when he means it - he really means it - dunno..

Argh - now I really need to go get that shower and get the place cleaned up a bit..

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#260 of 306 Old 01-23-2009, 03:14 PM
 
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Seie yeah it does sound like he is just a slower moving, more calm person, which is not a bad thing! But I can see the frustration... open communication re: Zeta's situation seems best.
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#261 of 306 Old 01-23-2009, 06:17 PM
 
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I have wondered if he is just "not that into me" but he keeps proving my insecurities wrong, he keeps indicating that he means this for real so - I lean towards thinking that we are just really different.
Perhaps he just has a fulfilling life (a job he enjoys, hobbies, family and friends, etc) outside of your relationship, which in the long run will greatly benefit you both.

Personally, I don't want to be my bf's everything. I cannot be someone's everything. I love that my bf has a life outside of me and our relationship, because I do too. Additionally, I love that he can be happy on his own, because I cannot always be there. I have a child, friends, family, hobbies and a job that are a big part of my life... all of which take a big portion of my time/energy.

Seie, try not too overthink/overanalze it too much. Crazy advice coming from an overthinking/overanalzing Virgo like myself. Whenever I start this kind of cycle, I immediately find a new knitting project to distract me.
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#262 of 306 Old 01-23-2009, 06:22 PM
 
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How do I do that without sounding like I am putting pressure on him to say stuff he may not be ready to tell me yet?
How about just telling him where you are at? Instead of focusing on him and where he is at... keep it about yourself.

IME, when I share where I am at and not try to pigeon-hole bf, he often gives me exactly what I am looking for or wanting. My sharing about myself opens the conversation up for his participation, but without any underlying expectations on him. Does that make any sense?
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#263 of 306 Old 01-23-2009, 09:37 PM
 
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How about just telling him where you are at? Instead of focusing on him and where he is at... keep it about yourself.

IME, when I share where I am at and not try to pigeon-hole bf, he often gives me exactly what I am looking for or wanting. My sharing about myself opens the conversation up for his participation, but without any underlying expectations on him. Does that make any sense?
Beautiful advice!
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#264 of 306 Old 01-24-2009, 04:40 AM
 
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Aww well- I think you are right - I do tend to overanalyze things a bit .. and once again he has proven, that its about my insecurities - not about his intentions etc. We went out yesterday - actually he is still here but another difference between us is that he seems to need his 8 hours beautysleep whereas I simply cant seem to sleep longer than 6 hours and I'm done - anyway he's sleeping and I couldnt help come here to brag about his awesomeness
So yesterday he gave me the biggest compliment I think I have ever gotten He said something close to: "Sleeping next to you is wonderful. You complete me."
And the fun thing is - that this guy already IS whole. He is the most balanced person I have met - He is in such harmony - despite having been to hell and back in the past years (loosing contact with his two children, been through a heartbreaking seperation etc.) - So coming from him that is - well noone could pay me a bigger compliment.

And the funny thing is - that when I am with him I feel the same. I may be insecure when we are not together, but with him I feel like he inspires me to be the best person I can.
Anyway after yesterday I dont feel like I need "the talk" anyway. He has made his stance pretty clear - and it seems like he keeps giving me just what I need without me having to ask for it. Who can ask for more really?

I feel like the luckiest person on the planet right now

Good thing we are several of us feeling like that around here these days

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#265 of 306 Old 01-24-2009, 05:36 AM
 
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How about just telling him where you are at? Instead of focusing on him and where he is at... keep it about yourself.

IME, when I share where I am at and not try to pigeon-hole bf, he often gives me exactly what I am looking for or wanting. My sharing about myself opens the conversation up for his participation, but without any underlying expectations on him. Does that make any sense?
I would do that sometimes, but I think it's good to get him to answer it first aswell because otherwise you don't know if he is just telling you what you want to hear, do you? You tell him your feelings first, and then he knows where you're at and pretty much what you want to hear from him, and so instead of being honest he might just tell you what you want to hear.

Seie glad you got to see him after-all!

triple aces congrats on being a "real" couple now!

Im still STUCK. I don't know what to do about this phone guy, or dating in general. I like so many things about being single, I really do. But every so often im reminded of a disadvantage to it. -The main one is wanting someone there for support and to just be there for me when I need them yk? I have people like that in my life now already, but they all have their own lives and other people needing them, where as "my guy" would have me as his main focus -person wise.

But it's just like I don't feel really into all the other relationship stuff. I don't want a guy taking over my life, I want to keep my own space, I don't want him calling me all the time or telling me he thinks of me all the time, because I won't be that way with him. Does that make me sound hard/cold? I think it kinda does but im being honest here.

Maybe im just different in that way to you girls? You're really into your guys but I don't see myself being that way, even if he's "my mr-perfect". I guess that's just not who I am. I relate to what Seie said about her guy being different to her in that way, being more "calm" about it all. -Im more like that myself too. I still want to talk to this phone guy, meet him sometime, get to know him better, give him a hug etc, but Im not someone who's going to be really really into it constantly thinking of the guy etc etc.... I've been thinking about this a lot lately and think I've realised that about myself.
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#266 of 306 Old 01-24-2009, 11:11 AM
 
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I like so many things about being single, I really do. But every so often im reminded of a disadvantage to it. -The main one is wanting someone there for support and to just be there for me when I need them yk? I have people like that in my life now already, but they all have their own lives and other people needing them, where as "my guy" would have me as his main focus -person wise.
Maybe you should really focus on some friendships you already have in your life, developing them more deeply, or making new friends... and your 'support' doesn't have to all come from one person, it can be a little bit here and a little bit there, but if you collect a long enough list of girlfriends or guy pals, when you are feeling like you could use some sympathy, support, company, etc, chances are that *someone* on that list will be able to drop by to give a hug and sit with you and have a cup of tea.

: I don't know, but that's what I'm doing. Since snapping your fingers and having Mr. Wonderful pop into your life is impossible, I'm putting a vibe out there instead that says I am really open to cool, strong, similar-personalitied-as-me women, and last night I got approached by a very cool women whom I had TONS in common with, just standing at a bar (on a first date with a guy, yes, but there was no spark, just nice conversation and a fun outing, so that's why I'm not telling more about THAT) and waiting for a drink. She and I hit it off so strongly because I really responded to her calm yet energetic, happy, outgoing vibe (rare in this country) and we exchanged contact details and we are going to spend the evening together this evening. Two nights ago I also spent with a girlfriend I met in a similar random fashion in December, and it was such a nice change of pace to be able to work on a relationship (and speaking Finnish, but that's besides the point) and focus on developing closeness and enjoying the support and empathy that another person who is starting to care about you can provide, without the whole romantic relationship hassle thing. Girlfriends rock. The nice thing is that you pretty much never have to break up, and you can have as many as you want at the same time. I'm hoping to collect a dozen so that every time i feel lonely, someone is willing to come over and bake cookies with me or go out for a coffee somewhere, ya know? That's my plan for not needing to emotionally rely 100% on a guy. Friends.

Well if I'm just being honest, I rely already about 90% on DanishMom and 10% on my mom for my support and love. They are the best. But I keep scoping out there and trying to meet local ladies because DanishMom and my mother in Tennessee need some breaks every once in awhile.
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#267 of 306 Old 01-24-2009, 11:19 AM
 
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Oh, and one more sidenote, Anne2008... if you put yourself out there in public, in social situations, because you and a gal pal wanna go somewhere and do something together, and get involved in situations where there are (ahem) also men around, then you are sort of just leaving the door open that someday, somewhere, a neat guy might strike up conversation with you. Eventually. But not looking for it, kwim? Just getting out and being social and working on some friendships with women, getting yourself a support network of ladies, and working on your 'getting out and socializing' skills at the same time (going out to cafes or bars with them, doing a hobby, whatever), then you are working on yourself and your social skills without the pressure of a romantic relationship. And then one will come, one day. Because you aren't being a hermit at home and building up more and more anxiety about the idea of a romantic relationship. Just take that whole thing off the table, and out of your mind for awhile, and just try to be the best friend you can be to some new (or old) friends, and work on being relaxed in social settings, making conversation, etc, and then when someone comes along and asks you out, the idea of that first date won't send you into such a tailspin of anxiety and stress, and you will likely attract someone in a much more healthy, calm position themselves, if you are exuding that you are in a happy, not-rushing-anything sort of position of just being out and having fun with friends. Not desperate. And in the long run, those female friendships are something worthwhile to invest your time and energy into, because as your son gets older and older, he will have his own friends and hobbies too, and you will find yourself really glad you've got some close friends to go out and have fun with, too.
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#268 of 306 Old 01-24-2009, 05:08 PM
 
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Oh dear- my guy must be telepathic or something. We ended up having "the talk" anyway - and he started it by saying - "Well, I really dont see any good reasons at all that we shouldnt be together" He also said he is not good with big words such as "I love you" but that he hoped I could feel in the way he acts how he feels. I also find it a bit perculiar that a person who considers himself "not-good-with-big-words" will tell me that I complete him. IMO that is probably the biggest thing anyone has ever told me..

Sorry to go on and on - It just feels BIG and I dont have a ton of people to tell about it..

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#269 of 306 Old 01-24-2009, 06:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Seie, that is so sweet 'i love you' is very hard for some people, it sounds like he does though I am so happy for you.

my bf will be working ALOT this spring, it is his season for work, he makes the majority of his $$ then. I experienced my first day yesterday of what that will be like, he was out of town. He got home late and it was kind of like we were not synced up or something, I was ready for bed, and he was just getting home and needed to eat. I was in a really inner mood, I had the whole day off and journaled and cleaned and spent some quality time with myself I felt so awful about it.So did he

I have been obsessed with ttc That is my focus these days. I may be, I am in my 2 week wait. Wish me luck, though either i am or I am not. I feel hopeful, we dtd EVERY day!!!! I know I Od, we will see I will know by Feb 5th (when I will test if af doesn't show )

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
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#270 of 306 Old 01-24-2009, 06:52 PM
 
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Beloved - I remember how TTC can totally mess with your mind! I used to obsess about it BIG time when my kids were concieved.. The months of waiting is so hard. I hope your wait will be over on february 5th

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