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January dating thread!!!!

13K views 305 replies 32 participants last post by  Seie 
#1 ·
Hi Everyone!!
: I so enjoy keeping up with everyone in these dating threads, it is fun
I hope everyone has a WONDERFUL 2009!!! It will be fun to see how things unfold.

Me? I am sailing along with bf, things are great, we are having so much fun lately. No luck yet ttc
and that is fine, really. I am at peace with whatever happens. I am still battling worthiness issues when it comes to having someone treat me so well, I sometimes feel I don't deserve it (an old mindset creeping it's way back in) I am staying on top of it for the most part though.

I will be back later with more
 
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#52 ·
BelovedK.

Thanks for the thoughts. I didn't mean to really be dating so many people, I just wanted to get out and meet some people and have some fun. Now I've seen a few of them a few times each, and I like them all for different reasons, and I'm not sure I could really choose.
Inevitably only one I could see any long term potential with at the moment, but I like just going out and doing different things. Maybe I should focus more on building friendships than dating, I suppose.

Seie, that's kind of how it was w/ the guy I could see something more long term with. We'd been chatting/emailing for months before meeting. When we met it wasn't like total attraction or anything, though he's cute. It wasn't until he kissed me on New year's eve that it was oh! I guess it's also just made me realize I'm not ready for something serious, though, so I'm just a little confused as to what to do right now.

Just going w/ the flow for now... my time is gonna be crazy with work-related stuff in the coming weeks, anyway, so I think it'll be good to shift focus.
 
#53 ·
Well I went on one date and have another one lined up with a different guy. Guy A was really nice, met online, had an early lunch, great convo. He was really nice but a bit too clingy for me and that weirded me out. He keeps asking for a second date but I don't see that happening.

Guy B and I have been talking back and forth for a couple of months now and have yet to solidify a date. He travels a bit for a work but he said we would catch up come next week. I'm not going to call him or email him until he contacts me.

Even my son's father and I are getting along pretty well. We can have conversations without getting upset. I feel good about where my life is going right now.
 
#54 ·
Anne2008, it just seems like you've already seen how things are with this one, and it's obviously not a dream match. If you had more perspective, you'd know that. Just don't sell yourself short, using your own limitations (no one is perfect) as an excuse for doing so. You get what you settle for in this life.
 
#55 ·
Anne - it sounds like you wont meet others because it is inconvenient for you. Well I have left an abusive relationship and trust me - THAT is inconvenient. Being with the wrong person is - hell on earth. Trust me - in that case it is better to be alone.
Honestly - you really would rather want to be alone than be with someone who isn't at the very least respecting your boundaries and your free will to do something as simple as call when you feel like talking rather than when he expects you to. I very much doubt your guy will prove to do that in the long run..
The funny thing is that pretty much all the girls here who have warned you about your guy are ones who have left abusive partners ourselfes. Just to make a point..

My guy will be visiting tomorrow. I spoke with him the other day on the phone - remember that we had talked about shopping making the difference between lovers and a boyfriend/girlfriend-relationship? Anyway on the phone I casually mentioned (as a sidenote to something else) that I dont have a winter jacket. So he suggested to take me shopping for one on friday. He even offered to pay
I dont need him to do that though, but the thought was very sweet. Aww he wants to take me shopping. How cute is that
 
#56 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Seie View Post
Well I have left an abusive relationship and trust me - THAT is inconvenient. Being with the wrong person is - hell on earth.
: Exactly. When there are red flags for 'potential abuser'...guilty until proven innocent, IMO. And a little perspective (i.e. making the time, energy, and courage to see other people) might help that to be more obvious to the single mother in question.

: Anne2008, we're not ganging up on you, just concerned that this doesn't quite sound right for you, and it doesn't seem to be leading towards a happy ending....
 
#57 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post
: Exactly. When there are red flags for 'potential abuser'...guilty until proven innocent, IMO. And a little perspective (i.e. making the time, energy, and courage to see other people) might help that to be more obvious to the single mother in question.

: Anne2008, we're not ganging up on you, just concerned that this doesn't quite sound right for you, and it doesn't seem to be leading towards a happy ending....
Yes to what Seie and Butterflymom wrote. It's very concerning to see how you are already wondering about some of his behaviors and making excuses for them.

I don't think you need to date more than one man at the time. I'm with you on that one and Denmark has a different dating culture compared to the US. What I do think you should do is put it on hold with the guy you are dating now or perhaps end it and then meet new potential male friends. You don't have to see them as potential partners so you could do that even though you don't break up with the guy you are with now. If you had had lots of male friends this step wouldn't be as important but as Butterflymom wrote it is important to realize that different people will make you feel differently. The fact that the guy you see now is making you feel as you do is probably not just about social anxiety. It's likely that you'd always feel very nervous before meeting someone for the first time, I do too, but some guys will make you feel very comfortable almost immediately.

Please think about this because you have had 5 or 6 mamas here who are all warning you. I've been following the dating thread for many years now and it's very rare that the mamas here will warn another mama about taking it any further with a guy. We are really trying to look out for you. I want to send you a


I know how hard is to have to think about all these issues when all you really want is a long term relationship and you want it to happen quickly and easily. I think that's what got both Seie, Butterflymom and myself involved with abusive men in the first place. The problem is that they are mostly sweet and charming in the beginning. That's why you need to take little red flags seriously - all of a sudden you have been with them for a month or two and you are starting to get attached and then it's very hard to break free. That's what I'm afraid is happening to you right now.
 
#58 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by DanishMom View Post
I know how hard is to have to think about all these issues when all you really want is a long term relationship and you want it to happen quickly and easily. I think that's what got both Seie, Butterflymom and myself involved with abusive men in the first place. The problem is that they are mostly sweet and charming in the beginning. That's why you need to take little red flags seriously - all of a sudden you have been with them for a month or two and you are starting to get attached and then it's very hard to break free. That's what I'm afraid is happening to you right now.
The highlighted part, that's definately how I feel. Like Im in a hurry to be with someone long-term, so im willing to over-look things that I wouldn't if I wasn't in a rush.
I'm definately taking on board everything you all are saying, and I'm currently forming a list of things that I need to talk through with him to get his opinion on things before we go any further. -Anything come to mind you think I should discuss with him?

But where do you draw the line? On the one hand we all agree no-one is perfect, so you have to be willing to accept some flaws in a guy, as he accepts yours too. And on the other hand people say "you can do better than that guy" go for someone better. How do you know if a guy is good enough for you or not? At this point in my life, to be honest, I feel lucky to have almost anyone interested in me for a relationship. There's so much baggage that comes along with me, yk? And this guy doesn't even know the half of it yet, so it's possible he'll be the one to end things once we have that talk and I tell him everything (baggage wise).

SeieEnjoy the shopping trip with your guy! That's sweet you didn't even have to suggest he takes you, you just had to say you needed something, and he instantly offered to take you to go get it. aw
 
#59 ·
Anne2008, I just wanted to throw out that we all really like you on this board, you are a lovely, sweet single mom and you have offered lots of yourself to the other single mothers on here. If you break things off or put things on hold with this 24 year old Afghani guy, you would still be very welcome to post and discuss single parenting and on the dating thread also, and would be missed if you dropped out. I don't have any special "guy" now that I got dumped 3 weeks ago, and I still post on here all the time. Even on days/weeks when I have no silly first dates to report about. So even if you stepped back and it took awhile before you met any men (as friends or for coffee or for a date or whatever), you could still post freely about your thoughts, plans, for yourself and about the other mothers, and still have this as one of your social arenas. I just didn't want you to think that you'd miss out on all this fun "girl talk" if you didn't continue with this one guy, and that it would even subconsciously influence your decision about continuing to see him or not, since it is nice to come onto this board and this thread and talk about dating life, and I could totally understand if you'd miss that if you felt that you no longer would have reason to post.
You and I could be the non-boyfriend-having single moms on this thread, together!
And I'm sorry if I came across as calling you lazy for not looking around at other men in your area that you could meet and get to know.... I don't mean to be so harsh. I wouldn't have said anything if I didn't feel it was so important for you and your son's future.
 
#60 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Anne2008 View Post
The highlighted part, that's definately how I feel. Like Im in a hurry to be with someone long-term, so im willing to over-look things that I wouldn't if I wasn't in a rush.
.... I'm currently forming a list of things that I need to talk through with him to get his opinion on things before we go any further. -Anything come to mind you think I should discuss with him?
You are rushing into things with this young guy who has shown interest in you. It's good that you see that. Desperation is not the right starting point for choosing a long term relationship partner.

There is nothing you need to discuss with him at this point. The question is whether or not it is too soon to get really into a relationship (that will be so sticky to have the courage to end down the line) with someone whom really just doesn't seem like the right fit. The thing you need to think about is all the reasons you have posted about that points to that this is not the right guy for you, and you should really take a step back and pause this thing with him, and meet other people and work hard on opening up your social life to see how other people make you feel, so you will really have more basis for interpreting a future guy and how he makes you feel.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anne2008 View Post
How do you know if a guy is good enough for you or not? At this point in my life, to be honest, I feel lucky to have almost anyone interested in me for a relationship. There's so much baggage that comes along with me, yk?

There's baggage that comes along with everyone after they leave the simple years of young adulthood, and people have had failed relationships, and children, and you're not the only one with health issues either. That is life. You will meet a mature man who gets that, and understands that life is not all sunshine and unicorns. But things will feel so right between the two of you, that it will seem that facing the future together, hand in hand, is so the easier way to move forward because of the strength and support you offer one another, and how much his presence relaxes you and brings out the best of you.... that is possible. But the first guy who came along was not the type to offer anything like that. But you shouldn't give up. Don't feel that no one else will want you. That is absolutely not true. Give the other guys out there in your area a chance.
 
#61 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Anne2008 View Post
The highlighted part, that's definately how I feel. Like Im in a hurry to be with someone long-term, so im willing to over-look things that I wouldn't if I wasn't in a rush.
I'm definately taking on board everything you all are saying, and I'm currently forming a list of things that I need to talk through with him to get his opinion on things before we go any further. -Anything come to mind you think I should discuss with him?

But where do you draw the line? On the one hand we all agree no-one is perfect, so you have to be willing to accept some flaws in a guy, as he accepts yours too. And on the other hand people say "you can do better than that guy" go for someone better. How do you know if a guy is good enough for you or not? At this point in my life, to be honest, I feel lucky to have almost anyone interested in me for a relationship. There's so much baggage that comes along with me, yk? And this guy doesn't even know the half of it yet, so it's possible he'll be the one to end things once we have that talk and I tell him everything (baggage wise).

SeieEnjoy the shopping trip with your guy! That's sweet you didn't even have to suggest he takes you, you just had to say you needed something, and he instantly offered to take you to go get it. aw

What you are writing is really making me sad Anne. I have "baggage" too and I know ALL about how it feels when you are afraid that your baggage or issues mean that your are worth less than others. I'll tell you a bit about my baggage simply to show you that other people can feel the same as you.

I was raped when I was 14 years old. To deal with the trauma I started to smoke a lot of pot and went to too many parties. I got PTSD from the rape. The complex PTSD type which resembles borderline personality disorder a lot. For years I was afraid I was too fucked up emotionally to have kids. Thanks to my strength and will power I managed to solve most of my problems and went on to have a family. I got a married to an abusive guy who seemed to really want to be with me. I felt so relieved that he really wanted to be with me despite my baggage and despite the fact that I was "damaged goods".

Two and half years ago I got a herniated disc in my neck, had surgery which failed, had two more herniated discs and have been on morphine on a daily basis to deal with the pain. Having a physical illness is hard too because it hurts my DP (we have been together for three years) and he have wanted children for a long time. And because of my neck I still haven't finished my master thesis!

But despite my baggage and issues I have everything to offer in a relationship and I'm so happy to have found one that is so good and healthy. It took me 15 years to realize what I will accept and where I'll draw the line. It was hard to learn but in a way it makes me less afraid of loosing my DP - something that I've been very scared of in all of my relationships.

No matter your issues or baggage I'm convinced that you have as much to offer as anyone else. What you offer are basically your heart, your ability to love and care for another human being. If you feel like it you can PM if you want to talk in private. I'd love to help you deal if you think I can.

I need to go now but I'll be back with an answer to your questions about the red flags.
 
#62 ·
I was dating a guy for a while, Long story short I didn't think I was into him as much as I should of been. He stayed with me off and on for a few days then I send him home cause I got bored with him or whatever you say. But now that we are back together, since a few days ago. He went home to do some stuff for his mom and dad anyways, Now I can't wait to see him again, Is that weird my emotions change so much? He is a amazing man who I truly care about. I just want to keep those amazing feeling for him because he is every women's dream man.
 
#64 ·
Anne: Yeah to all Butterflymom and Danishmom said. They are clever ladies.
I also wanted to warn you about discussing red flags with him. ANY abuser will deny that he is abusive. They dont think there is anything wrong with THEM - its everyone elses fault when something gets wrong. So if you want to talk with him about red flags you need to do it in a very descreet way. There is no point in asking him "Would you ever pressure me into something" cause his answer will be no. You need to ask more about his general attitude towards women and relationships. Such as for instance why is he not with his former girlfriend anymore. The typical abusive-guy answer will be to start telling why everything was her fault and how he was either a victim or the smarter one of them. A normal non-abusive guy would be more focussed on why they didnt fit together/were too different/had different views on things. The abusive guy will tell you how she was always wrong/stupid/a bitch/immature - whatever he can come up with to put her down.

That is I believe pretty general for abusers. They like to give a good image of themselfes. When they tell about stuff in their past they will always seem like either heroes or victims to other peoples flaws. So get him talking about himself and pay attention to how he describes himself.

My ex had an image of himself as a really good guy, someone who was very decent, always loyal etc. And I believed that picture for years - not because I had really seen him behave in a way that warrented all those positive characteristics - but because he had told me that was how he was - and I believed him.

With abusive men you CANT TRUST words. They are usually very charming, they seem so perfect that they make you feel very lucky that such an interesting, intelligent, powerful guy would be interested in you. The only way to really spot them is to take red flags serious. Red flags being for instance how you feel when you are around them. As well as ANY act that is meant to control YOUR behaviour - such as sulking to make you feel guilty for not calling, or implying that you really should be doing more than kissing by now.
 
#65 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Seie View Post
Anne: Yeah to all Butterflymom and Danishmom said. They are clever ladies.

So are you!

I also wanted to warn you about discussing red flags with him. ANY abuser will deny that he is abusive. They dont think there is anything wrong with THEM - its everyone elses fault when something gets wrong. So if you want to talk with him about red flags you need to do it in a very descreet way.

I agree - please don't discuss it with him. You can talk about it here if you need to.

That is I believe pretty general for abusers. They like to give a good image of themselfes. When they tell about stuff in their past they will always seem like either heroes or victims to other peoples flaws.

Oh yes - it brings up some funny memories about things my ex have said about others.

My ex had an image of himself as a really good guy, someone who was very decent, always loyal etc. And I believed that picture for years - not because I had really seen him behave in a way that warrented all those positive characteristics - but because he had told me that was how he was - and I believed him.
BTDT too.

With abusive men you CANT TRUST words. They are usually very charming, they seem so perfect that they make you feel very lucky that such an interesting, intelligent, powerful guy would be interested in you. The only way to really spot them is to take red flags serious. Red flags being for instance how you feel when you are around them. As well as ANY act that is meant to control YOUR behaviour - such as sulking to make you feel guilty for not calling, or implying that you really should be doing more than kissing by now.
The first time my ex was truly abusive was after two or three weeks. He invited me to go on vacation in Italy. When I said I thought it was too soon to spend 10 days together night and day in another country he accused me of not being spontanious, not being romantic, that I was ungreatful and obviously didn't feel as strongly about our relationship as he did. He got so mad he left the café - the chair fell over when he got up. He got in his car and didn't want to listen what I had to say. He drove to his place and I sat there for a couple of hours thinking about whether I should break up with him. But I was in love with him and that evening I went over to his place and told him I'd love to go with him to Italy. BTW - he told me he loved me after being together with me for about a week. More often than not that's a red flag. Ok - you can laugh at me now - but to my defence I was only 23 at the time.

My ex was so good at sulking - all the fuc*ing time. He made me feel like I had done something wrong many times a day[/I]
 
#66 ·
Well I talked to him on the phone tonight, and apart from 2 things, it was a nice chat, just about general stuff. 2 things have stayed on my mind in the past few hours though, that I just feel is weird. Can you tell me what you think please?

1-Im 100% sure he told me before Christmas he was 24 and would be 25 in 2009 "24, I'll be 25 next year". Then tonight on the phone we were discussing someone's birthday, so I asked him when his is, and he replied he had it -it was early January. Fine. But then I said "so you're 25 now?" and he said no he's 24 now, he was only 23 before...So I was like "im sure you told me you were 24 and going to be 25" and he said "sorry if you heard me wrong, im 24 now not 25". -So....I mean that's weird right? Maybe it's a misunderstanding because of the language barrier again? I don't know but that seems weird to me.

2-I brought up about his ex-girlfriend, which he had told me about before a little. He said she broke up with him because he refused to move in with her and have a baby with her when they had only been together a short period of time, it was way too soon for him. -Fair enough, that's sensible, imo it's good he didn't want to rush into that kind of stuff. Anyway, last time he said they had been together 3 months when she wanted to do all this with him, then tonight he told me it had only been 1 month when she asked him to do it. So again, that's conflicting and I don't know which is true. Am I going mad and over-reacting over nothing on this one? I just don't know.

Here's what im thinking. We haven't seen eachother in person for 3 weeks (due to DS being home for the school Christmas holidays, and us both being sick an extra week), so I'm thinking it might be good to not meet him again just yet, but continue getting to know eachother over the phone instead?

He already said again tonight hes desperate to see me, and wants us to move foreward, and that meeting up for an hour in the mornings (like we did before a few times when I walk my dog) -that he feels that isn't long enough to get to know eachother. I know what he means, and agree seeing eachother for longer periods of time is how we are going to get to know eachother better. But I said "when do we have time to do that?" And he said he will leave that upto me to think about and decide on a good time and place. (ok when??? where??? how long for??? lol)

Seie He asked me if I would like to go shopping with him on Sunday to help him pick out some new shoes -he needs some apparantly. Seie weren't you just saying it was a really good sign if a guy wants you to go shopping with him?
Ofcourse I said "I can't do it on Sunday" -because im with my DS at the weekends as school is closed. It annoys me a bit that he continues to suggest we see eachother on weekend days when I've said so many times that I can't. It is the best day for him though, so that's why.
 
#67 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Anne2008 View Post

1-Im 100% sure he told me before Christmas he was 24 and would be 25 in 2009 "24, I'll be 25 next year". Then tonight on the phone we were discussing someone's birthday, so I asked him when his is, and he replied he had it -it was early January. Fine. But then I said "so you're 25 now?" and he said no he's 24 now, he was only 23 before...So I was like "im sure you told me you were 24 and going to be 25" and he said "sorry if you heard me wrong, im 24 now not 25". -So....I mean that's weird right? Maybe it's a misunderstanding because of the language barrier again? I don't know but that seems weird to me.

2-I brought up about his ex-girlfriend, which he had told me about before a little. He said she broke up with him because he refused to move in with her and have a baby with her when they had only been together a short period of time, it was way too soon for him. -Fair enough, that's sensible, imo it's good he didn't want to rush into that kind of stuff. Anyway, last time he said they had been together 3 months when she wanted to do all this with him, then tonight he told me it had only been 1 month when she asked him to do it. So again, that's conflicting and I don't know which is true. Am I going mad and over-reacting over nothing on this one? I just don't know.

No, you are not going mad.

He is lying to you and having a difficult time keeping his stories/facts straight.
 
#68 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Anne2008 View Post
1-Im 100% sure he told me before Christmas he was 24 and would be 25 in 2009 "24, I'll be 25 next year". Then tonight on the phone we were discussing someone's birthday, so I asked him when his is, and he replied he had it -it was early January. Fine. But then I said "so you're 25 now?" and he said no he's 24 now, he was only 23 before...So I was like "im sure you told me you were 24 and going to be 25" and he said "sorry if you heard me wrong, im 24 now not 25". -So....I mean that's weird right? Maybe it's a misunderstanding because of the language barrier again? I don't know but that seems weird to me.

2-I brought up about his ex-girlfriend, which he had told me about before a little. He said she broke up with him because he refused to move in with her and have a baby with her when they had only been together a short period of time, it was way too soon for him. -Fair enough, that's sensible, imo it's good he didn't want to rush into that kind of stuff. Anyway, last time he said they had been together 3 months when she wanted to do all this with him, then tonight he told me it had only been 1 month when she asked him to do it. So again, that's conflicting and I don't know which is true. Am I going mad and over-reacting over nothing on this one? I just don't know.
Anne, I don't usually post on the dating thread but...

I lived in France for 20 years... and did not speak any French at all really when I moved there. I therefore have quite a bit of experience with dating people whose first language was not my first language and with the difficulties of communicating in a foreign language.

Even when I could barely string three words together without making ten grammatical mistakes in French, I never told anyone I was the wrong age. I might have mispronounced the number, had to say I was "two-zero years old" (instead of "twenty"), or the like, but I never had anyone think I was a different age than I was.

NEITHER of your examples could be due to any language barrier. They do not involve subtleties of language or grammar. They do not involve idiomatic expressions. They do not involve "false friends" (false cognates)--i.e. words that seem the same but have very different meanings.

He is, IMO, lying and having trouble keeping his story straight. I would bet on it.

Please, please, listen to everyone warning you about this guy. There are so many red flags all over everything you say about him.
 
#69 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Anne2008 View Post
Seie He asked me if I would like to go shopping with him on Sunday to help him pick out some new shoes -he needs some apparantly. Seie weren't you just saying it was a really good sign if a guy wants you to go shopping with him?
Sorry to be a downer again, Anne, but it is not a "good sign" if a guy wants to go shopping with you. Nor is it a bad sign. It can mean pretty much anything depending on the individual people involved and the specific circumstances/history involved.

It is fantastic for Seie because they've been casually dating and have already had a conversation in which he asked Seie what, for her, would push someone out of the "casual dating" realm and into boyfriend/girlfriend/relationship territory... She said "shopping". So, her guy asking to go shopping is clearly making overtures toward more than just casual dating.

For some other guy to want to go shopping with some other girl without that previous discussion, the meaning is not the same and could mean anything: he likes shopping, he wants to show off his money, he wants to con the girl into buying him shoes, he wants to buy her something to be nice, he wants to buy her something so she'll "owe" him, and so on and so forth.

PLEASE, listen to everyone about the red flags this guy is throwing up and the need for you to get some perspective and not get involved with him...
 
#70 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Ione View Post
Sorry to be a downer again, Anne, but it is not a "good sign" if a guy wants to go shopping with you. Nor is it a bad sign. It can mean pretty much anything depending on the individual people involved and the specific circumstances/history involved.

It is fantastic for Seie because they've been casually dating and have already had a conversation in which he asked Seie what, for her, would push someone out of the "casual dating" realm and into boyfriend/girlfriend/relationship territory... She said "shopping". So, her guy asking to go shopping is clearly making overtures toward more than just casual dating.

For some other guy to want to go shopping with some other girl without that previous discussion, the meaning is not the same and could mean anything: he likes shopping, he wants to show off his money, he wants to con the girl into buying him shoes, he wants to buy her something to be nice, he wants to buy her something so she'll "owe" him, and so on and so forth.

PLEASE, listen to everyone about the red flags this guy is throwing up and the need for you to get some perspective and not get involved with him...
:
 
#71 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Ione View Post
PLEASE, listen to everyone about the red flags this guy is throwing up and the need for you to get some perspective and not get involved with him...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Holland73 View Post
No, you are not going mad.

He is lying to you and having a difficult time keeping his stories/facts straight.
Seie, DanishMom, Nataliachick7, Ione, Holland73, several other mamas on this board, and definitely I have really been very, very clear about how wrong basically everything you say about this guy sounds to us. Why are you still ignoring it and so stubborn and reluctant to read the writing on the wall (well, MDC boards,
)? Do you feel so ready to have some kind of a relationship with any man, that you are welcoming a lying, sketchy, manipulative, and probably abusive guy into your and your son's lives?
Everyone agrees that you need to break out of your shyness shell and make the effort to get to know some other men, at least just casually as friends, to get some social experience (I know it's hard and inconvenient and scary, but it's mandatory if you are ever going to be able to choose the right partner for a lasting, healthy relationship) and then find yourself in the position where you are able to stumble across the right guy for you for a real relationship. You may have to 'kiss a few frogs' (ok, sip coffee/go for a walk with a few frogs, I'm not suggesting you actually have to kiss anyone, I know how shy you are) to find the right guy for you, but that's just life!!! All of us wish it would be so simple that 'poof!' the moment we're in the mood for Mr. Perfect Boyfriend to enter our lives and begin an ideal relationship with us, and get involved also with our children down the line, he would just show up and sweep us off our feet. But unfortunately you have to get out there and turn over some stones and look around, because there is no magic trick to just will him into appearing from sheer force of desire. This guy ain't it...very far from it. Let him go. Stay on this thread with us, and use us for support in terms of getting over your social fears and meeting new men casually, and let us know how those encounters go, and maybe at some point in 2009, you will meet the right guy for you, to be your boyfriend. Or maybe next year. Have some patience, and gear yourself up for the immense courage it will take for you to break out of your shell and meet several new people this year and next. The right guy will come along, eventually, and all the experience you will have gained by spending time with some decent guys who were fine but not right for you, will help you to really know and appreciate the right one when he comes along. It seems to usually happen when you are not desperate for it to happen, so keep that in mind, that your being extremely ready and desperate and in a rush for a boyfriend is actually counterproductive for actually getting the kind of relationship you want to have.
 
#72 ·
Anne: I dont know how to make it any clearer than I already have. That guy is bad news. He is everything you DONT want in a partner. As I recently read in a book - how can you build a house of trust if the guy cant even lay the first brick?

You come here to ask our opinion about him. More than a month ago I wrote "the guy creeps me out" - everything you have told about him after that has confirmed why I had that feeling. You are making excuse after excuse for him - probably because it feels really nice to have someone interested if you are not very confident in yourself.

The guy is creepy! CREEPY! That sums up my overall impression - and it has only changed for the worse the more you tell about him.

I dont wanna be the b**** here, but you are asking for our honest opinion. And NO way am I gonna help you make up excuses for why he would "accidentally" lie to you etc.

You asked about shopping - Ione gave a good answer to that one


Something completely different: My guy was here today and yesterday
We had a wonderful time. I picked him up at the trainstation yesterday and he had bought me a big bunch of flowers - roses, tulips and carnations. We went out for indian food, then went to my place to drink red wine, laugh and talk all evening and go to bed early

We woke up early too, stayed in bed for as long as we could excuse but eventually needed breakfast

After that he suggested to take me shopping for a winter coat for me
So we spent most of the day looking for a coat for me. He even insisted to pay half when i found one. I never did find one that I liked though.
We went for lunch and coffee in the afternoon and eventually I had to put him on a train home. Awww what a weekend
:
 
#73 ·
Yay Seie!! Sounds lovely.


Anne, I totally agree with others... little lies are BAD NEWS! I think you should stop seeing this guy.

I have decided to only date one person. Unfortunately, one person I'm dating has gotten a bit attached, despite knowing I was not looking to rush into anything. So he'll be stopping by later and I need to break it to him.
 
#74 ·
wow, goosebumps here!

I'm just coming out of an abusive relationship, too. And the red flags flying around are bigger than the ones I ignored with my STBX. And when we got together, I was feeling like "damaged goods" and desperate thinking it was my last chance to have a family... not a good place to start a relationship from.

On a nice note, BF and I are having a FUN weekend! BF is SO decent and fun and honest and forthright. I feel so honored.

It's so fun to read about your weekend, Seie, it sounds dreamy...

I'm sending light and love out, ya'all!
 
#75 ·
The aftermath of getting out of an abusive marriage is so real to me every day, every night, and I am hanging in there by a thread at some moments. It's hard for me to read Anne2008's posts and not feel very strongly that I would want her to benefit from the BTDT perspective that I, and other formerly-abused women on this board, have suffered. But, she can, of course, post here about anything she wishes to get support about.
 
#76 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Anne2008 View Post
The highlighted part, that's definately how I feel. Like Im in a hurry to be with someone long-term, so im willing to over-look things that I wouldn't if I wasn't in a rush.
WOAH

DANGER

DANGER

DANGER

THIS is calling for more heartbreak.

anne you are heading straight for fire. you cannot date with that mindset. you will only hurt yourself and smother your guy (if he IS in fact a good guy)
 
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