I think divorce is my only option - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 13 Old 01-09-2009, 02:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I have been with hubby for 6 years and married over 3. We have a 3 week old and almost 2 year old. I just feel like I am done. The love has been lost somewhere down the line. I still love him very much as my bestfriend and my childrens daddy but just not as my "soul mate" I am 21 years old... I shouldnt have to just deal with it for my kids and realize in 20 years that I should have left. He is not ever physical with me but I feel emotionally beat down because of how he always puts me down. We fight constantly and having not been loving towards each other in about a year. He is military so I know they take care of the child support stuff. He is fine splitting everything and we are selling our house soon due to transfer and should make some money off that which I would think we should split( might have to fight him on that one) I would do my best to take his kids to visit him at least twice a year since he wil lbe living so far away. Basically I need someone to just tell me it will be okay. Ive only ever been with him and Ive always had him there for me. Im a sahm so the thought of working and leaving my babies is KILLING me beyond belief. I just dont know what to do anymore. Any advice? Words of encouragement?

Wife of a Coastie, Mom to Rylin, Alden, Carden and Thumper coming Octoberstork-suprise.gifbfinfant.gifdp_femalesling.GIFsaynovax.gifsigncirc1.gifhomebirth.jpgribbonpink.gifHelping my mom fight breast cancer.

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#2 of 13 Old 01-09-2009, 04:09 AM
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Rylin's mama -- I'm sorry, it sounds like a tough situation. I'd kind of suggest, though, that you slow down a minute. Not to say you shouldn't split, but that a) you might really be feeling some aftereffects of the birth; b) you're really young, and I know it all feels very immediate right now, but it sounds like there's no emergency here. You guys get along, you're just not in love, and you're quarreling and he's being kind of an ass.

Being on your own with two very little ones is VERY, VERY HARD. I'm assuming you don't have a college degree. Can I suggest you work towards divorce, instead of hopping into it? Get your education, get yourself set up first and give your kids a chance to get a little older, so that you can support them and they can handle daycare a little better? Have a listen around here to what mamas go through trying to support the kids, even with degrees and somewhat older kids -- it's an enormous amount of work. Shoot, I'm up this late because I've got a deadline, am just taking a break from work at 1 am. This is single-mother life with a master's degree.

What do you think? Remember, nobody's saying "be there and pretend for the next 20 years". But if you guys can get a little counseling and at least stop fighting so much, it could be pretty tolerable for the next few years, you could use the mil daycare to make getting your degree easier, your kids won't need you every single minute, and after that it'll be a whole lot easier to leave and manage on your own.
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#3 of 13 Old 01-09-2009, 06:57 AM
 
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I totally agree with Ginger, new baby, lack of sleeping, hormones gone crazy. Your bound to get a little upset when you hubby acts in a less then desirable manner. Think about your options after you've had more then an 2 hours of sleep in a day. AK is very expensive, can you survive working a min wage job or do you have job skills? Can you put up with him for 2 more years while you get at least some college? Its 2am and I'm still up doing school work preparing for a test on Tuesday becasue as a single mom I get no down time and studying while the kids are awake is POINTLESS I need more then 20 seconds to focus on my work and when your being disturbed literally every 20 seconds by a child (or 2 like me) its kind of hard to study much less fill out important paperwork

Seriously?
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#4 of 13 Old 01-09-2009, 08:56 AM
 
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You just had a baby, your hormones are still not at their normal level. It is very common to be very emotional at this time. Have you considered talking to your doctor about post partum depression? I would also recommend that you and your husband go to marriage counseling.

As for "trying" to get the kids out to visit their father a couple of times a year, there is no trying about it. He will have court ordered parenting time and if the distance is far enough, the parenting plan will be a long-distant one. Which means that the kids will have extended periods of time away from both parents. Typically, the NCP gets most of the summer (which would mean the kids are away from you for months at a time), most holidays and school breaks. It probably won't kick in for a couple of years until the newborn is older. But it will.

The only time that you won't have to send the kids is if he is deployed in a war zone or a place where the military won't allow families.

Any place else, including a different country, he gets them.

The long-distant parenting plan sucks for children, especially small ones. I would really, really work on saving your marriage.
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#5 of 13 Old 01-09-2009, 05:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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This has been going on since right before my daughter was born due to some stuff that happened with his parents (long story) We would have ended up seperated but because I was pregnant we made it work and thats what its been like for over 2 years now. Half the time I cry myself to sleep thinking about how we used to be and how it seems impossible to get back. He wont do counseling because its through the military and he doesnt want them in our business. Hes transfering out of ak to north carolina and I would be going to cali where I have family to help with the kids so I wouldnt have to do a daycare. My first plan was to take the kids to cali and stay until summer to see if it still feels the same... If it does then maybe wait a bit longer but not actually rush into a divorce which he agrees with. We have talked about it all a lot and decided thgat we would work everything out together on our own. Were bith young but we have been through a lot together and will always be there for each other which is something that he keeps promising me. I know we just both want to be happy and were not sure if we can do that together anymore. I w3ish we would have gotten help a long time ago because I know we would have been better off but as of now I think we might just be too far gone. Emotionally I am so drained from him.

Wife of a Coastie, Mom to Rylin, Alden, Carden and Thumper coming Octoberstork-suprise.gifbfinfant.gifdp_femalesling.GIFsaynovax.gifsigncirc1.gifhomebirth.jpgribbonpink.gifHelping my mom fight breast cancer.

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#6 of 13 Old 01-09-2009, 05:11 PM
 
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How does he feel about having his babies so far away? Is he an involved father?
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#7 of 13 Old 01-09-2009, 05:31 PM
 
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Just be aware and forewarned- a lot of men and women promise to be friends only to completely change their position later down the road. The change could be from a new partner, family pressure, money problems or a disagreement with the way the other person parents.

I tend to agree with the others. Wait a bit before jumping into divorce. It is easier when the kids are a little bit older. I think you have a good plan to seperate physically for a while and see how you both feel at that point.

I wish you lots of luck and love!
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#8 of 13 Old 01-09-2009, 05:37 PM
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Well, I can understand his not wanting any of this to get around at work. But you know...why don't you just take a break, have a vacation with your family in Cali, get yourself together, give him a chance to . I mean really, if you leave right now, you're setting yourself on an incredibly hard path. If you think you're exhausted now, oh mama.

Even if you have family willing to help right now -- well, what happens when they just don't have the energy or time anymore to look after your babies? What will it do to your relationship with them to be on the receiving end of favors like that, day after day after day? I think you'll hear from other mamas here that it can put quite a strain on relationships with family. And wearing out your welcome with family is not a good thing at all, not when you're on your own with kids. If for some reason they can no longer look after your children, how are you going to pay for daycare for two LOs? In Cali that's going to run you thousands every month.

It does sound like he needs some help and that there is something he needs to deal with. Is there a chaplain he'd be willing to listen to? A buddy? An older man in his own family?

I know he's unpleasant, but I would really recommend finding ways of dealing with the situation at least until you can get yourself better-prepared to be a single mother. Maybe counseling for yourself would help you get through. You may think "Oh, well, I'll just go on welfare, go to school, get my degree," but trying to go to get useful degree when you've got babies is a hard, slow process. You're 21 now; you could be closing in on 30 by the time you finish. TANF won't keep you on indefinitely. You'll lose your health insurance, and if you're living in someone else's household as a dependent, you may not qualify for Medicaid.

If he's your friend, he'll understand that you need to get prepared to take care of these babies on your own, and that this will take some time. I'm sure he doesn't want his kids growing up in poverty. Yes, he'll pay c/s, but the fact is that life off the base is very expensive with children, and you'll be responsible for most of the costs of supporting yourself and the children.

Understand that I'm not a great fan of sticking around in terrible relationships unless there's some pressing reason to do it. But in this case, I think you're looking to go from the frying pan to the fire. If you get yourself ready, and give the kids a little time to get a little more independent, it'll still be hard, but it won't be so crushingly hard. And in the end, frankly, the fact that it'll be easier on you will make it better for the kids.
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#9 of 13 Old 01-09-2009, 11:29 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Rylins mama View Post
He wont do counseling because its through the military and he doesnt want them in our business.
Army wife, and former single mama here .

New rules about behavioral health services have gone into effect. Your DH's career cannot be affected by his seeking counseling services for himself or you both as a couple. As well, any counseling that he receives is confidential and won't be listed in any personnel records. You do not have to find a counselor on post (or base... not sure if you are Army, Air Force, or Marines), but can use one out in town on the economy. Tricare will pay for it through the Behavioral Health program, and it is absolutely free. If nothing else, please seek counseling for yourself. It sounds like you could use an impartial third party to help you sort through your feelings and clarify some goals for the future.

You and your DH can also seek assistance from the Chaplain with 100% confidentiality. Your DH should ask his company commander for assistance (and yes, the commander must remain confidential as well).

Good luck to you, and

Tabitha ~ devoted wife to my best friend Stephen ribbonyellow.gif and gentle Christian mom to six DSs: notes.gif E - 2/09/00REPlaySkateboard04HL.gifA - 3/05/03superhero.gifA- 6/05/06 guitar.gif H- 2/07/08 jog.gif J - 11/14/10 bouncy.gif T - 8/23/12 + stork-suprise.gif due 9/20/14!  brokenheart.gif DD Janae 10/19/09 angel2.gif
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#10 of 13 Old 01-09-2009, 11:34 PM
 
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Contact MilitaryOneSource, they can explain it better, but basically, the counselors they refer to aren't military based, and it won't affect his career AT ALL. So that will more or less take care of that objection
www.militaryonesource.com/
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#11 of 13 Old 01-09-2009, 11:34 PM
 
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Oh, and it's free, so no worries there either
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#12 of 13 Old 01-09-2009, 11:36 PM
 
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Please listen to ginger! She has warned me of many things that I didn't listen to because I thought that she couldn't really know or understand my situation, and that I wasn't just another case that could be filed into a box.... I assure you that I really wish I would have listened now. I don't know who you have around you to get advice from IRL, but I've discovered that often your IRL friends are too close to the situation also, to have perspective, which is a wonderful thing about mdc.

To add to that, with my own experience: I was a very young mom too. I had dd1 at 21. I am now 27, and I am sooooo incredibly grateful that xh left when he did - right after I completed my BA. Because even with a BA it took me 6 months to find a job, and it's a job I would not have found without a degree. And even with this job, I live wayyyy under the poverty line, and yet due to all the interesting kinks in the system, I don't actually qualify for medicaid, because I get "too much" in unearned income (child support). How this works, or why child support counts as "income" is beyond me... I do qualify for food stamps and heating assistance, but even that is minimal and though I am grateful for all the help I can get, it doesn't make much of a dent in my bills.

About family: I have family around to "help" also. It is a double-edged sword, particularly when you are young and have yet to forge your own identity. By this I mean going straight from being a daughter to being a mother, with no adult time to become your own, independent person. Reconnecting with family when you're on your own and desperately need help with two young children brings you back into that role as daughter, and while your family might be wonderful and supportive it is also really difficult to try and get on your own two feet when you are not being seen by your family as a mother in your own right. I hope this makes sense, I am not sure I'm getting my meaning across.... In my situation, it is wonderful to have my family around to help me, but at times it can be really, really hard. I have recently come to understand how my relationship with my mom led me to my relationship with my xh, and how really, more space from my mom would be healthier for me at this point, so that I could process it and work through it. Space is difficult, though, as she lives 4 blocks away (none of this is to express a lack of gratitude - I have nothing but gratitude for all the ways my parents have helped me and continue to help me. I just know that particularly when you're young and have not had a chance to solidly forge your own identity, family stuff can be emotionally draining. So add this to an emotionally draining divorce and relocation, and it could be too much for you and your kids to take at once).

On the flip side: It is unclear, so far, what the issues are with your xh. However, the more I revealed here on mdc, the more the other mamas were able to help. I never, ever, thought I was in an abusive relationship. I am only recently starting to come to terms with that, and it was the mamas here who first pointed it out to me. I could not hear that, or see it. I assumed they could not know all the ins and outs of the situation. I do think that sometimes we don't know why we feel a certain way about a situation because we can't see that the situation is abusive (for example). I know I was miserable, but if I'd understood that I was in an abusive relationship, I would have done something about it. I hope that is coherent. So, perhaps space would allow you to have some perspective. And even if your h isn't wanting to go to counseling, you could always go on your own, while on a trip to CA or something... Space is crucial, I think.

And again.... listen to ginger. I wish you well with this dilemma.
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#13 of 13 Old 01-09-2009, 11:48 PM
 
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Can I suggest a book for you? "Getting The Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix. It's been around since the late 80s and it's fairly popular so they should have it at the library-- or you can order a used copy cheap. It is an excellent book to read whether you are planning on getting divorced, or trying to make the marriage work-- either way it will enrich your life and your sense of happiness. But I recommend reading it before you make up your mind about the future of your marriage. It is really interesting in that it discusses what makes people fall in love with each other, and why falling in love always sets us up for disappointment, and why falling in love with someone else (if your current relationship isn't working) will only repeat the same cycle until you understand the dynamic of what's going on.

Also, I don't know what you think of astrology but your natal Saturn is hitting an angle right now, which might make this a difficult time for you. My 21st year was rough in a similar way-- DH and I had our first baby and there were financial setbacks that year and I got sick and our baby was colicky and our relationship was strained and things were just tough tough tough. But we stuck it out and it's gotten much better each year since then. Everyone's 21st year tends to be life-changing-- often in a difficult way. I would suggest you stick it out, don't make any major decisions, just try to learn and grow and ride out the year for now.

♥ blogger astrologer mom to three cool kiddos, and trying to figure out this divorce thing-- Blossom and Glow ♥

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