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Stbx wants ds EVERY day - Update #111

8K views 110 replies 29 participants last post by  DogwoodFairy 
#1 ·
We've been separated for 2 months. He hasn't seen ds in that time because I left the state to stay with family. I'm returning to the "home" state next week. I asked him last night what he was expecting in terms of parenting time with ds while I'm there. He said, "Well, I want him every day".

Now, I know that he misses seeing his son. I understand that and I dont blame him. I recognize my folly in separating them for so long, because that only makes his resolve to "have" ds all that much stronger.

However, NO. You cannot take him from his Mama every day, especially since he hasnt seen you in 2 months. That will scare him.

I suggested that he come visit ds at my Dad's house for the first couple of days (where I will be staying), and I will make myself scarce so he can spend time with ds, but I'll be waiting in the wings if needed. Stbx vetoed that idea. He wants to pick him up that day after we get there and take him away from me, every day, all day.

I said that once ds is comfortable with stbx again, he could take ds for 3 or 4 hours at a time. Ds was never truly comfortable because stbx NEVER spent time with him before, nor did he have any involvement with caretaking, ever. He never spent more than an hour with ds unsupervised (not after the first time anyway). Ds has more of a relationship with my Dad & Dads gf than he does with stbx, and he saw them less (once a week or so).

So how does everyone out there handle the visitation? Am I being too controlling?

I want for him to see ds, but not to take him from me every day. On top of the fact that I worry about ds's care while he's away from me. Stbx hasn''t shown that he can responsibly take care of a toddler. Yet. I know this will come in time, but for now...? How do I arrange this so stbx feels its fair, and it isn't overwhelming for my little boy?
 
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#52 ·
You are assuming the court will A) keep custody with you in the first place and B) allow you, as custodian of the child, to move/remain across the country when dad is clearly demonstrating a 'sincere' (to the courts, at least) interest in parenting and and that is a BIG gamble with very high stakes involved...and if you lose, you will lose BIG.

And...your x won't be responsible for traveling to YOU to visit the child. The child will be traveling to HIM to visit. And YOU will likely be responsible for the cost of travel specifically because you left in the first place. Just like if they place custody with your x and you remain in Oregon, you will likely still be responsible for cost of travel since you left. The issue is that the courts see you disrupting the status quo.

And remember...you are paying an attorney for services and they can say whatever they want and talk whatever game they please, to convince you to hire them. That doesn't guarantee any outcome. It's always ultimately up to the judge, the attorney can argue till they are blue in the face.

If he's really going to lose interest in his kid, it will happen in Maine too, and you can petition to move then, with a MUCH higher success rate.

From what you've said he is certainly not father of the year material. And regardless, even if he's not the father you wanted him to be he is STILL the child's father and he has the right to be a part of his life JUST AS MUCH AS YOU DO. I'm sure he has plenty of complaints about you as well, (and I'm not invalidating your issues w/him, just saying there's always two viewpoints) so my question is this: If the shoe was on the other foot and HE did this to YOU...would you still agree he has the RIGHT to keep the child away from you 8 months out of the year, just because he disagrees with your parenting style? I'm doubting it, in fact I'm guessing you'd (rightly so) be a total wreck. Every child needs both of their parents...full time...whenever and however possible.

Barring substantial abuse, no one has the right to decide to remove a parent from the life of their child.

Good luck w/the new attorney, keep us posted!
 
#54 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by grass67hopper View Post
As a PP recommended, if you can e-mail this information, you will have records of the exchange and then X cannot deny you telling him. This is very important. Again, document as much as possible!
I have a huge file of every text/email/etc sent to/from ex. Fortunately (kinda, in a bizarre way), ex doesn't like to talk to me on the phone. He only communicates with me via text, which actually works in my favor because I can save every word


Quote:

Originally Posted by Theoretica View Post
I vehemently disagree with her, one because that makes your stbx's case stronger, and two because taking a child away from their father is wrong, and three because by default 'regular' long distance parenting time is going to mean your child will be away from YOU for extremely long periods of time as well, which is ALSO wrong, and four you will likely have to bear the cost of long distance...cross country...transportation expenses for your child to visit dad....and I could keep going but the essence of this is I'm pretty worried for you here.
Just by reading your post about this new lawyer, I got a very bad feeling. What she's trying to do is soooo risky. Remember- the only thing she has to lose is a little money (maybe.... does she get paid regardless of what the outcome is?). What you have to lose is YOUR CHILD. I would get more opinions before I made any decision.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Theoretica View Post
You are assuming the court will A) keep custody with you in the first place and B) allow you, as custodian of the child, to move/remain across the country when dad is clearly demonstrating a 'sincere' (to the courts, at least) interest in parenting and and that is a BIG gamble with very high stakes involved...and if you lose, you will lose BIG.

And...your x won't be responsible for traveling to YOU to visit the child. The child will be traveling to HIM to visit. And YOU will likely be responsible for the cost of travel specifically because you left in the first place. Just like if they place custody with your x and you remain in Oregon, you will likely still be responsible for cost of travel since you left. The issue is that the courts see you disrupting the status quo.

And remember...you are paying an attorney for services and they can say whatever they want and talk whatever game they please, to convince you to hire them. That doesn't guarantee any outcome. It's always ultimately up to the judge, the attorney can argue till they are blue in the face.

If he's really going to lose interest in his kid, it will happen in Maine too, and you can petition to move then, with a MUCH higher success rate.

From what you've said he is certainly not father of the year material. And regardless, even if he's not the father you wanted him to be he is STILL the child's father and he has the right to be a part of his life JUST AS MUCH AS YOU DO. I'm sure he has plenty of complaints about you as well, (and I'm not invalidating your issues w/him, just saying there's always two viewpoints) so my question is this: If the shoe was on the other foot and HE did this to YOU...would you still agree he has the RIGHT to keep the child away from you 8 months out of the year, just because he disagrees with your parenting style? I'm doubting it, in fact I'm guessing you'd (rightly so) be a total wreck. Every child needs both of their parents...full time...whenever and however possible.

Barring substantial abuse, no one has the right to decide to remove a parent from the life of their child.

Good luck w/the new attorney, keep us posted!
I'm just going to quote this whole darn post.

I moved to Kentucky from Michigan with ds. I am responsible for making sure ds gets to Michigan about 6 times a year (for a weekend) to give his bio-dad a chance to visit him. Ex is not responsible for any travel costs nor does he have to travel to Kentucky to see ds (though he could if he wanted to). Yeah, the scheduling and travel costs suck. But *I* made the decision to move knowing full well what I was getting into. If someday ex were to be a totally involved parent and somehow got to the point where a Judge would order Owen to go with him for full summers/school vacations, I would have to be okay with that because *I* made the decision to move out of the state. Now, in our case, I don't ever see that happening.

Can I ask what would happen if you did lose custody of your son? What if the Judge gave ex custody and you visitation over summer/Christmas? Would you be okay with that? Would you try everything you could to see ds more frequently? Would you move back to where ex and the child are? Think about it.
 
#55 ·
I have to tell you, I'd be reluctant to take that advice unless you can prove some pretty stout domestic violence. Like enough to change jurisdiction. I'd also ask the lawyer what she's basing that on, and how many cases she's handled in which the mother fled the state with intent to deprive the guy of contact with the child. And how recently.

From the opinions and code I'm reading online, the mothers are not getting away with upping and taking the kids when the dads fight it. It sounds like she's right in saying you may not be allowed to leave the state with your boy again, but that's true regardless of when you show up there. If you roll the dice and leave the boy behind -- well, you'd shoot yourself in the foot several ways, it appears to me. You may also find yourself accused of intentionally concealing him.

The bottom line appears to be that unless you're fleeing domestic abuse and running to get a divorce and custody orders in another state pronto, courts don't take kindly to one parent depriving the other of the children. So yeah, I'd be quizzing that lawyer on the basis for her assertions, and why she thinks the fact that you've been the only one doing childrearing has anything to do with how things will go.

I'd also be nervous about a lawyer who was that sure of anything. I mean look, I was going up against a guy who'd been disabled and out of work with a mental illness for years, I was plainly the primary caregiver, and everyone assured me my lawyer was the best around, a winner. She's an aggressive, abrupt lady. But even she advised me to get my ducks in a row, and was not making any promises.
 
#56 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by pinetree View Post
First, I agree with you about CIO. However, the courts probably won't and they might view you as too controlling.

You also want to, as much as possible, never say no to his parenting time requests right now.

I agree with your reasoning, but you're looking at more than just that. You're looking at long run, not short run. Win the war even if you have to give up the battle.

I've learned something over the last while. The courts do not care about bad parenting as long as both parents are involved. They only care about dangerous parenting and even then they don't care as much as you'd like them too.

Another thing I've learned... no matter how uninvolved he has been. He's now mad at you. And so he'll hurt you whereever he can. He knows your son is important to you so he's going to try to hurt you through your son. CIO, though terrible, is small potatoes compared to what he could try and will try. Try to make this a non issue and he's like likely to do it deliberately just to annoy you. Because the courts don't care if he practices CIO. They just don't care.

When the courts hear that he's been uninvolved before but wants to be involved now, they're most likely to say, "Great! He needs the opportunity!" Because they have seen these types of cases go two ways... one way the dad actually does step up to the plate and become involved. The other, he plays super dad do for a while, discovers it's cramping his style and then he backs off or gives up. Since a dad could go either way, and the courts don't have the time to figure out what way he'll go when they rule, they give as many dads as they can the opportunity to try to be the good dad that they are claiming to be.

It sucks. Big time. But it's how the courts work.
yes to all that above. i fought my ex tooth n nail and one day on every issue which just created more issues. ex would go out of his way to piss me off on all important issues like my parenting style,etc. so i learned to just bite my tongue and suck it up cuz in the end it would be dd that got the worst of it...

i'm sorry mama. the court system is flawed...
 
#57 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by StephandOwen View Post
Can I ask what would happen if you did lose custody of your son? What if the Judge gave ex custody and you visitation over summer/Christmas? Would you be okay with that? Would you try everything you could to see ds more frequently? Would you move back to where ex and the child are? Think about it.
I would absolutely wither and die if I were to lose custody of my son. I agree with everyone that her advice just sounds...crazy.

If the Judge gave primary custody to stbx, even temporarily, there is NO way in hell I would return to Oregon without my child. I would remain in Maine for however long I needed to in order to be in his daily life, and until I could regain primary custody. It's not even a question to me. OTOH, if stbx took ds from me out of state in the manner I did to him, there isn't ANYTHING in the world that would have stopped me from getting my butt on a pane to go to him. Especially if I wasn't working (stbx wasn't working the entire month of November when I left), and had nothing to do but sit around the house and bitch about my misfortune, which is what stbx is/has been doing since I left him.

I'm not defending my decision to take ds out of state (though I still feel it was my only option at the time). I see now that it was an error of judgement, in regards to how the courts will view me in terms of ds being separated from his dad. Again, I didn't really think stbx would freak out and file for divorce. I underestimated him in that regard.

But regardless, stbx has STILL not expended any effort on his part to come see his son, or try to bring him back to Maine, or send a webcam so that ds can SEE him during the nightly phone call, or even sent a freakin' picture of himself that ds can see. The man cant even pick up the phone every night to call ds - I am the one that does that. He insisted he wanted to talk to ds every night, but wont actually make the call. He has plenty of money to fly out here, or even fly ds back, and he has refused to buy a plane ticket. He's also not exactly employed, so its not like he's missing work. He's sitting around watching TV! I also told him that I was willing to come back for the case conference, and I would fly back with ds if he would let me use the Frequent Flyer miles for the ticket, as I didnt have the money. He refused. So he wants his son, but not enough to do anything about it. It infuriates me. It only shows me how much he really cares. I know that morally its wrong to take his son from him, but really - he showed about the same amount of interest when we lived there. I really didnt think he cared, or I wouldn't have left in the first place. And he's just showing me now that he still doesnt care - his pride is hurt and he wants his son back, but only to make a point, and only to use it as a control tactic over me.

If it were ME? I'd be on the first plane I could book and fly myself to wherever on earth my child was. I would do everything in my power to get to my child, including leave my house, home, job, community, favorite TV shows. Nothing would stop me. But that's just me.
 
#58 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Socks for Supper View Post
I have to say, I dont think stbx will exercise his visitation after the first year or so. #1- he's cheap and wont agree to pay for his own travel to come visit ds. #2 - he works non-stop in the summer, and wont want to take ds for prolonged amounts of time.

I will see what the new attorney says about it tomorrow.

I am SO confused. I wish this was all over.

First, who says he is going to have to pay anything for the transportation costs? You are the one who moved away and created the distance. It is not unheard of for the courts to order the parent who moved away to pay ALL of the transportation costs of getting the child to the other parent for his parenting time. Therefore, he wouldn't be out any money to see his child. You would and from what you have told us, I get the feeling that he would exercise all of his parenting time just to make you pay the money for transportation.

Second, do you really think he would leave your son home alone? He would put your son in daycare while he is working. Or he can have his new girlfriend (when he gets one) care for him or a family member.
 
#59 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Goodmom2008 View Post
He would put your son in daycare while he is working. Or he can have his new girlfriend (when he gets one) care for him or a family member.
That. He sounds mean, but not stupid. If his mom is nearby she'll likely end up doing most of the caregiving. Otherwise, well, women do pile in to help a single dad with caregiving if they show up looking helpless.

I think you should prepare yourself for three possibilities:

1. Your stbx may get primary custody;
2. You may have to pay child support;
3. You may not be permitted to leave the state with ds unless you have stbx's written permission.
4. Depends on how Maine handles supervision, but you may be required to have a period of supervised visitation.

Not saying it'll happen, just that it can.

You should also understand...and this is hard...that in most states, once custody is awarded, it's very difficult to change. Here, for instance, you have to prove that circumstances have changed so radically that the noncustodial parent is clearly the better parent. Which in practice means that the custodial parent is not a fit parent, and the courts' standards for "fit" tend to be quite low. You have to show substantial and ongoing neglect, drug abuse, incapacitation from mental illness, familial instability, etc. If both parents look like good parents, the courts here don't change custody.

So I think you should be a) hiring a tough, but conciliatory, lawyer, someone with a reputation for working things out in a gentle, civil manner; and b) having that lawyer negotiate realistically with your stbx's lawyer. Because it appears that your stbx is engaged in a power play and does not really want the work of primary custody, but understands that he holds an advantage. Your lawyer will have to see what he'll trade that advantage for. You may find that in the end, he won't give, and he retains primary custody. In that case all you can do is try to shift the facts on the ground, which means doing as much caregiving as possible, over a course of a couple of years, while still paying child support to your stbx. After that you'll have a stronger case to go into court and say, "Look, the flight risk is in the past, and the fact is that I am the primary parent. Stbx has voluntarily yielded custody."

(I have to tell you that if I were in your stbx's position, and I'd been married to a SAHD who did 90% of the childcare, and he ran off with the kid, I'd make sure that I lost no legal advantage in keeping my kid.)

And in the meantime be as accommodating as possible, which also means returning pronto. The lawyer will know, but I imagine itd also be helpful to arrive in tears of contrition, admitting much wrongdoing in depriving stbx and ds of each other, and doing what you can to show that it was an act of desperation. If you have proof of stbx's neglect and not caring about ds, I imagine that'd help -- letters saying he didn't care about ds, or witnesses who have heard him say repeatedly that ds was a mistake, that sort of thing.

The only exception I can think of, again, is if you can show substantial abuse. Don't underestimate emotional abuse, there. I would talk with DV people to see what you can substantiate.

I am still wondering about the advice Ms. Experienced Lawyer gave you, and wondering what she bases it on. I would call and ask. If she knows something that trumps everything we've said here, and it's got a solid foundation, then I'd consider it. But I'd really want to know where that's coming from.

In any case I'd move quickly if I were you.
 
#60 ·
But regardless, stbx has STILL not expended any effort on his part to come see his son, or try to bring him back to Maine, or send a webcam so that ds can SEE him during the nightly phone call, or even sent a freakin' picture of himself that ds can see. The man cant even pick up the phone every night to call ds - I am the one that does that. He insisted he wanted to talk to ds every night, but wont actually make the call. He has plenty of money to fly out here, or even fly ds back, and he has refused to buy a plane ticket. He's also not exactly employed, so its not like he's missing work. He's sitting around watching TV! I also told him that I was willing to come back for the case conference, and I would fly back with ds if he would let me use the Frequent Flyer miles for the ticket, as I didnt have the money. He refused.

I hear you, but he's probably being advised by his atty to make you do all the work re: communication and contact. You created a situation where HE is seen as the victim, and that's going to be a problem for you. Quite frankly, I'm surprised he and his atty haven't filed an ex parte motion for immediate temp custody to be placed w/him, because they have serious grounds to do that.

And Frequent Flyer miles might be a part of the divorce action, therefore unable to be touched until it's decided who 'owns' them. I'm not as familiar with marital assets as I am custody/family law so I'm not 100% sure, but I *think* that's the case in most situations.

I keep meaning to ask...when he filed for the divorce/custody, what did he ask for? Did he ASK for custody of the child? Or did he ask for JOINT custody? Or just for the courts to determine the best interests of the child? If you wouldn't mind sharing, that'd give us a better idea of whether or not he's even asking for anything problematic?
 
#61 ·
There is so much I want to comment on so I'll just write it in the quotes, in blue


Quote:

Originally Posted by Socks for Supper View Post
I would absolutely wither and die if I were to lose custody of my son. I agree with everyone that her advice just sounds...crazy.

I assumed you would answer like that. And I understand that you've been the primary caregiver. HOWEVER, you are proposing your ex be fine with the situation I described (you would get custody and ex would get summer/christmas visits). But you wouldn't be okay with that if the tables were turned and you only had visitation. Why? Because it's not what's best for your son? Or because it's not what's best for YOU. If it's not good for your son to only see you during the summer and Christmas, why is it good for him (your son) to only see dad during summer and Christmas?

If the Judge gave primary custody to stbx, even temporarily, there is NO way in hell I would return to Oregon without my child. I would remain in Maine for however long I needed to in order to be in his daily life, and until I could regain primary custody. It's not even a question to me. OTOH, if stbx took ds from me out of state in the manner I did to him, there isn't ANYTHING in the world that would have stopped me from getting my butt on a pane to go to him. Especially if I wasn't working (stbx wasn't working the entire month of November when I left), and had nothing to do but sit around the house and bitch about my misfortune, which is what stbx is/has been doing since I left him.

I'm not defending my decision to take ds out of state (though I still feel it was my only option at the time). I see now that it was an error of judgement, in regards to how the courts will view me in terms of ds being separated from his dad. Again, I didn't really think stbx would freak out and file for divorce. I underestimated him in that regard. Ummm... you took his kid away from him. You didn't think he'd file for divorce? Why shouldn't/wouldn't he?

But regardless, stbx has STILL not expended any effort on his part to come see his son, have you made any effort to bring his son to visit him? or try to bring him back to Maine, If he came to visit your son and took him back to Maine you would FLIP out. Not only that, but I'm sure he's been adviced by his lawyer not to do that. Doing such would look bad in court and he would risk pissing off the Judge by playing this "kidnap the baby and travel between states" game. Not cool. or send a webcam so that ds can SEE him during the nightly phone call, Why should he? YOU took the kid away from him. YOU should be offering to buy the webcam to appear that you are NOT trying to keep him from his ds. or even sent a freakin' picture of himself that ds can see. Have you sent him any pictures of ds? Goes both ways! The man cant even pick up the phone every night to call ds - I am the one that does that. Document who calls whom and when. He insisted he wanted to talk to ds every night, but wont actually make the call. He has plenty of money to fly out here, or even fly ds back, So you would be okay with him going out there and taking ds back to Maine without you? Seriously? I wouldn't even make a peep about how he hasn't done this because if he HAD done it, you obviously would not have liked it. And, again, it would have made him look bad in court and he has refused to buy a plane ticket. For who? The ds? He shouldn't have to. YOU took him away so YOU should be responsible for bringing him back. He's also not exactly employed, so its not like he's missing work. He's sitting around watching TV! I also told him that I was willing to come back for the case conference, and I would fly back with ds if he would let me use the Frequent Flyer miles for the ticket, as I didnt have the money. He refused. So he wants his son, but not enough to do anything about it. That's not true. He is filing for custody or visitation, afterall. That's not nothing. It infuriates me. It only shows me how much he really cares. He doesn't need to prove that to you. He only needs to prove it to a Judge that he cares about the boy. I know that morally its wrong to take his son from him, but really - he showed about the same amount of interest when we lived there. I really didnt think he cared, or I wouldn't have left in the first place. And he's just showing me now that he still doesnt care - his pride is hurt and he wants his son back, but only to make a point, and only to use it as a control tactic over me.

If it were ME? I'd be on the first plane I could book and fly myself to wherever on earth my child was. I would do everything in my power to get to my child, including leave my house, home, job, community, favorite TV shows. Nothing would stop me. But that's just me.
Please do not think I'm out to get you. I'm worried about you and your ds. I hope that by playing "devils advocate" I can just point out the other side to all this because, as always, there's "his side" and "her side" and then there's the "true side". Unfortunately, the kid always gets stuck in the middle
 
#62 ·
One thing I noticed about custody chats with my lawer is that my definition and her definition of losing the kids was completely different. To her standard visitation, a week at Christmas and 6 weeks at summer etc was a me not losing custody. to me anything more than occaisionaly visits on my terms was losing custody. So I would ask the attorney you spoke with what she sees as a custody arrangement, what she will present in the first draft etc.
 
#63 ·
It helps when there is an update for you to put the updated post number in the subject line... just as a fyi.

I don't know if I agree with that attorney, in my state what you did woul be considered kidnapping. I do think if you ultimate goal is to move to where you are then it may not be in your best interest to go back and establish any visitation president BUT I think you need to quickly go thru the courts with a reason why you "abducted" your child (i.e domestic violence), financial resources (a better job and way to provide for your child), housing (you had no place to stay other than family where you currently are after the split), family support (no one to help where you STBX is and a written record of his lack of involvement) ---- get a temporary order. And I must say you are lucky IF I pulled something like that my ex would have reported me for kidnapping and I would be ordered by the state to return my child here even though he often goes months without seeing his dd and has NEVER been alone with her by his own choice.

I am not saying to not stay put or to run back but to be smart about your actions and put your ducks in a row ASAP.
 
#64 ·
Your lawyer is absolutely correct. You can NOT kidnap your own child unless there is a custody agreement already in place. Any judge will see that this was a necessary move in those circumstances. NOw, they may try to order you to move back but once you are here you can not move out of state. Unless he agrees - which I find doubtful. I would offer to meet him at some middle point and y'all can both stay at a hotel (different rroms of course) for a week and let him visit for that entire week.

The absolutely best thing is to compromise. I promise you don't have a leg to stand on with your other arguments. your x will get every other weekend unsupervised with continuous weeks in the summer and holidays. Unless you compromise and agree to something else. My husband was a drug addict and they didn't even want to force supervised visits on him....the only way I got that is because he agreed to it.
 
#65 ·
4imprints, very similar cases I see online say that the technical term doesn't matter, and neither does the question of whether or not there's a custody order. If it's clear that the intent is to take the child away from the other parent, then under the federal code that determines jurisdiction for divorce (and Maine goes by this), the parent who takes the child is in the wrong unless there's serious abuse going on and the parent is fleeing & looking for a fast divorce elsewhere. And the divorce will go on in the original state, not the new state.

When custody is determined, one of the things that's considered is whether either parent is likely to run off with the child, and a history of having done that already is a strong indicator that he or she will do it again. Doesn't matter whether the parents were divorced at the time.
 
#66 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Theoretica View Post
I keep meaning to ask...when he filed for the divorce/custody, what did he ask for? Did he ASK for custody of the child? Or did he ask for JOINT custody? Or just for the courts to determine the best interests of the child? If you wouldn't mind sharing, that'd give us a better idea of whether or not he's even asking for anything problematic?
Well, he hasn't asked for anything on paper that wasn't just "courts" decide the best interests of the child and order the custody/visitation. But to me he said he wanted joint physical custody - ds to live with him exactly 50% of the time. So he really think it would be in the best interests of a young child to move back and forth between houses every 3-4 days. Or, barring that, he's mentioned several times that he wants ds for 6 months of the year in Maine, and I get him for 6 months in Oregon.
:

In fact, when I broke the news that I was leaving, and wanted to move out for a while for a separation, his first words were, "I get ds! I get him for 6 months, then you get him for 6 months. I dont care if he has to change schools twice a year, every year."

And someone said somewhere that stbx doesn't appear stupid - I beg to differ. THAT arrangement would not be in ds' best interests to ANY court.

Bottom line is this - stbx views his son as property. He doesnt see him or know him as a small person with thoughts and feelings and autonomy. He thinks ds is "his", as if he's a dog or something. He thinks children should be seen and not heard, let 'em CIO until they stop blatting, train them to only behave as you expect them to behave, and anything else is considered rebellion against the almighty superior parent (because elders are to be respected, above all else in his views. Even if they are wrong).

I SWEAR I had no idea who militaristic his views were until I was about 6 months pregnant, and he would say bizarre things about raising children in this manner.

He sees having a son as a source of pride, a little man-child to show off his virility. I've said it before, though it may not be true, but if we'd had a daughter, I dont think this custody battle would be happening. And I think deep down, stbx doesn't really want to raise his ds/have ds live with him. The thought of having to take care of a baby/toddler fills the man with fear of inadequacy. But his pride is at stake, and so a lot of this crap his posturing for everyone else's benefit (his mother, most of all, I'm sure. She and I never got along, and she disagrees with every tenet of attachment parenting. Its a very mutual dislike). I can see her hand behind a lot of this.

Now, thats not to say that he doesn't deserve to be with his son/share his son's life/be an active part of raising his son. If he REALLY wants this, I would definitely facilitate the relationship. Even moving back to do so. But honestly? I think he just wants me to move back, do the work of raising his son in a convenient area for him to visit ds, and have to invest minimal money (cs will be much lower if we had joint physical custody) and effort on his part. he just wants visitation to do all the "fun stuff" - without the hard work involved in the daily decisions. Not to mention, he's never shown any interest in ds' well-being in regards to medical decisions, safety, or health. He used to fall asleep when I'd talk to him about vaccinations (the "should we?" debate).

ETA: I meant to mention that right before I left (like 2-3 days before), stbx and I had a long conversation about him not being involved with ds/me/family life at all. He told me then that he felt that I was the "perfect mother". I quote that because it astounds me, not because I agree with him. I SO wish that I now had that recorded. So I think a lot of his custody battle is posturing because he's already told me that he wholeheartedly believes that I am the best parent for ds.

In new news, I've hired a lawyer. He also counseled me to keep my butt put in Oregon.
So, okay. I canceled my flight, and will fly out a few days before mediation so stbx can have daily frequent visitation with ds before mediation and the hearing. Lawyer feels that I wont lose custody. And I grilled him about it. He's going to use the breastfeeding relationship and attachment argument to ensure that ds isnt taken from me precipitously. I have been researching and compiling all the documentation I can from Dr's and other health experts who agree that separating the child from his primary attachment is unhealthy in the extreme. I'm down to just prayers and hope now. Dont know what else I have.
:
 
#67 ·
I used my breastfeeding relationship also and was able to put off overnight visitation for my youngest until she is two. One thing to consider...you will be required to either split traveling costs or you might get the full brunt of it since you decided to move out of state. A cousins girlfriend was ordered to pay for a flight for their child from Florida to Louisiana every other weekend.

This was my job for a very long time...custody cases. If you don't agree on things or don't like what the mediator/judge is offering then you can ask for a custody evaluation. Of course - these are not required to be followed but they can hold a lot of weight. To be honest with you it doesn't do good to rehash the past relationship if you do not have physical proof of wrong doing. By that I mean pictures or journals or taped conversations (pending on what is legal in your state). If you come out looking like you understand that your child needs a healthy relationship with his father but that you also feel that his age should place limitations up until say age 2 then you will come out looking on top.

Unfortunately you don't get 100% of what you want and they may not always follow it. But a lot of it is a game of appearances. My exhusband was a drug addict - methadone and heroin - he is looked like King Arthur in the mediation. I said "you have to understand that he has been a nonexistant father for the past 4 years. he was a drug addict!" and his lawyer responded by saying "well why did you keep having babies with him"....needless to say I didn't find out about his addiction I until I was pregnant with the 3rd but the harm was already done. That is just my experience on both sides of it.

One of the factors used in a custody evaluation is whether or not the parent is making an effort to allow the other parent to have a reasonable relationship with the children and if the parent is hindering the relationship but not granting phone calls etc.

Oh...........but just FYI you don't have to give visitation before court at least in my state. My lawyer did not think it was a good idea because we were trying to go for supervised visitation but after speaking to my former boss she said you have to give a little to get a little.
 
#68 ·
sigh...SFS...I really hate to keep doing this...

but yes, courts really can and do shuttle little kids back and forth like that. I've known several under-3s here who have a 4days/3days schedule, and while that usually changes when school starts, it doesn't have to. While 6months/6months is a little extreme, and it's unlikely that a court would agree to that esp. for a school-aged kid, there are plenty of schoolyear/summer arrangements out there. Yes, on opposite sides of the country.

I know it's really fraught, but you need to be doing some legal research on how judges deal with bf/attachment issues for a baby your ds's age in your jurisdiction. What I'm seeing says that Maine takes bf into consideration when the child is under a year old; your son is older, though, and women here have seen exs' lawyers argue that the bf relationship is only being carried on to cut the guy out. What does your lawyer say about that -- does he understand that your son will be nearly two years old by the time this thing goes to trial?
 
#69 ·
My turn for the colory quotes.

Socks for Supper: Well, he hasn't asked for anything on paper that wasn't just "courts" decide the best interests of the child and order the custody/visitation. But to me he said he wanted joint physical custody - ds to live with him exactly 50% of the time. So he really think it would be in the best interests of a young child to move back and forth between houses every 3-4 days. Or, barring that, he's mentioned several times that he wants ds for 6 months of the year in Maine, and I get him for 6 months in Oregon.

Ok here's the thing. Again. He has JUST as much right to parent the child as you do. You do NOT have 'de facto' presumptive rights to the child MORE than him. You and he SHARE this child. And 50/50 is sharing the child. And YES it happens ALL THE TIME. And...what I really hope you are able to realize...is that children do FINE with divorce/shared parenting/shared living arrangements/split year/time whatever WHEN THE PARENTS HAVE NO ANIMOSITY OR RESENTMENT TOWARDS THE OTHER PARENT. Basically, the responsiblity for this to NOT screw up your kid lies with you...and you only. You have the power for a 50/50 arrangement to make your kid's life FANTASTIC and better than ever. But YOU have to decide that's what you want. I know it's new, and raw etc. but that's the reality.

Honestly, realistically, 50/50 is a fantastic arrangement for kids. I get it, he's not the dad you wanted him to be...but he's STILL the child's father and unless his rights are terminated he has a right to be JUST as much a part of his life as you do.


In fact, when I broke the news that I was leaving, and wanted to move out for a while for a separation, his first words were, "I get ds! I get him for 6 months, then you get him for 6 months. I dont care if he has to change schools twice a year, every year." And someone said somewhere that stbx doesn't appear stupid - I beg to differ. THAT arrangement would not be in ds' best interests to ANY court.

Ok so he's NOT trying to take the child away from you...and yet you feel justified taking the child away from him. Not ok. And yes, that arrangement is ok in many courts, in fact most courts have gone to 50/50 default simply because it IS in the best interests of the children.

Bottom line is this - stbx views his son as property. He doesnt see him or know him as a small person with thoughts and feelings and autonomy. He thinks ds is "his", as if he's a dog or something.

I am going to be blunt here, and I'm not trying to upset you. But this really is sticking at me because it's important to me that on some level you are able to see how you are acting. As though your son is YOUR property, that your ds is YOURS, that he's not a small person with thoughts/feelings/autonomy in the respect that he...your son...has the right to have an ongoing and constant relationship with his father as it develops, and independent of your interference or influence. Part of what's hard as a parent is coming to terms with the reality that our partner (divorced or not) is going to have a DIFFERENT relationship with our child than we are. It's a weird thing to realize, and it's hard for me too, but it's true. Taking pains not to derail too much here, the only example I can give you offhand is that my DH likes to hunt. I abhor hunting. DD, I'm afraid, is interested in hunting with DH. I can't stand that idea, I don't want to hear about it, and I don't want to know the details. But I have no doubt they are going to go hunting at some point together as she gets older. I vehemently disagree with hunting, but he's her dad...he has the right to have that relationship with her. She knows what I think, but I'm not going to interfere just so that I can prove my point and maintain control. That would interfere with THEIR relationship, and it's not ok.

He thinks children should be seen and not heard, let 'em CIO until they stop blatting, train them to only behave as you expect them to behave, and anything else is considered rebellion against the almighty superior parent (because elders are to be respected, above all else in his views. Even if they are wrong).

Ok, so he wouldn't fit in here at MDC. That doesn't make him evil nor does it negate his RIGHTS to be a part of this child's life and have parenting access equal to yours. Millions of people have grown up this way and 99% are productive and responsible members of society. I don't personally agree with raising kids this way, but that's why it's a free country.

I SWEAR I had no idea who militaristic his views were until I was about 6 months pregnant, and he would say bizarre things about raising children in this manner.

I'm sorry, I really am. That has to really suck...but honestly it doesn't change anything as far as his current rights to be a part of this child's life, just as much as you.

Now, thats not to say that he doesn't deserve to be with his son/share his son's life/be an active part of raising his son. If he REALLY wants this, I would definitely facilitate the relationship. Even moving back to do so. But honestly? I think he just wants me to move back, do the work of raising his son in a convenient area for him to visit ds, and have to invest minimal money (cs will be much lower if we had joint physical custody) and effort on his part. he just wants visitation to do all the "fun stuff" - without the hard work involved in the daily decisions. Not to mention, he's never shown any interest in ds' well-being in regards to medical decisions, safety, or health. He used to fall asleep when I'd talk to him about vaccinations (the "should we?" debate).

Apparently he DOES really want this. He's fighting for it. He's going to court for it. He's got a lawyer to help him get what he wants, which looks reasonable in the eyes of the court. He's not asking to take the child away from a parent (you are), he's not asking to reduce the other parent to a visitor (you are). He's asking the courts to decide what is in the best interests of the child...and he's talking joint custody, which is VERY reasonable in the eyes of the court. You've decided he's a bad parent because he doesn't parent your way. That doesn't make him a bad parent, it makes him a different parent (albeit one I don't agree with either), and to be completely honest with you...this is why it's so critical to get this ironed out before you even think about having kids with someone, so after the fact is a little late to cry foul. And, being a mainstream parent isn't reason to take their kid away, any more than being an AP parent is reason for the same. Would you want him to take your child away from you just because you are off the deep end into that weird attachment parenting crap? Of course not (and remember, *I* am off the deep end in the attachment parenting crap...it's a rhetorical question), so the same applies going his way too. And no, you aren't genuinely willing to facilitate the relationship, or you wouldn't be keeping the child in Oregon until a few days before court, and you wouldn't be fighting the 50/50 custody.

SFS...PLEASE hit the library and read some books on divorced parenting, there is so much out there that supports 50/50 as a fantastic way for kids to benefit from both parents. While it would likely be difficult for YOU to adjust, your son would likely thrive (assuming you handle it correctly), and ultimately...THAT is the outcome you really want. I don't doubt for a moment how much you love your son, but realize that when he's older, he isn't going to share your feelings towards his father, and that's ok. The best gift you can give your baby boy is a healthy relationship with his dad, with your total support behind it. And you do that by bending over backwards to make it work from day one. It's not about you, or your stbx or your intertwined baggage anymore.

Good luck mama, you can do this!

Theoretica
 
#70 ·
Well...I will be less gung-ho about the 50-50, and I say that as someone who had absolutely no intention of being a primary parent. It wasn't what I wanted, wasn't how I went into marriage, wasn't how I agreed to have kids. Why? Because I have a life of my own, and because it's fair, damn it.

For me.

However.

What I hear most from kids is that they detest -- detest -- shuttling around. They always have to pick up and go somewhere new. It's hard to keep the social connections when you're here sometimes and there other times. And I find that it's true, even when you're talking about little kids. My daughter's best daycare friend was a little boy in 50/50, and eventually we stopped trying to have playdates. I couldn't keep track of their custody arrangements, the dad wasn't all that friendly and didn't want playdates on "his" time, and then he moved an hour away. The mom missed the kid so, and felt such a need to make up time, that she was also reluctant to do playdates much.

Shoot, even primary's difficult when the other parent's involved a lot. My xh sees dd for a couple hours most every day. Makes for awkward after-school playdate situations. "Well, she can go home with you, but I'm still working and can't pick her up if they're bored, and her dad (whom you've never met) will pick her up around 4:30 but I can't vouch for it, so you'll have to be home then unless you want to work it out with him directly...."

Anyway, I can understand loathing and resenting, and feeling the effects of, the 50/50 shuttle. I had a stretch where I had to do a lot of travelling, and man, it was hard. It's hard to live out of a suitcase, and to wake up and have the first question be "Where am I? What day is this?"

Personally, I fought 50/50 because my ex is mentally ill, socially isolated, and will make himself dependent on whoever's handy. What I've seen of people who've had to grow up isolated and taking care of a parent is not so hot. I don't want that for dd, and I fought till my hair fell out to prevent it.

You have to remember that you like your DH and think he's a good guy who's an overall healthy thing for your dd. Not necessarily the case for many of us here.

So anyway -- SFS may have to get used to 50/50 (or not), but it doesn't mean she's gotta love it, or even that it's necessarily good for her son.
 
#71 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Theoretica View Post
My turn for the colory quotes.

SFS...PLEASE hit the library and read some books on divorced parenting, there is so much out there that supports 50/50 as a fantastic way for kids to benefit from both parents. While it would likely be difficult for YOU to adjust, your son would likely thrive (assuming you handle it correctly), [/B] [/COLOR]
Making a blanket statement like that is really not a good idea. Why? Because children are individuals. Not all of them can handle 50/50 physical custody, especially the really little ones. At this time in my kids' lives I would not agree to 50/50 physical custody, it's not in their best interest. And they are not toddlers anymore.

And stating that the child would likely not have any adjustment and would thrive is not really looking at the whole picture. Like the fact that it's the child who has to go back and forth between the two homes, it's the child who is going to have a harder time adjusting to the new situation, and taking away the primary caregiver half the time is only going to make it harder. Which is one reason why I think SFS should move back. Because she is risking losing custody.

And, yes, SFS, parents have lost custody for doing what you did.
 
#72 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Theoretica View Post



Honestly, realistically, 50/50 is a fantastic arrangement for kids. I get it, he's not the dad you wanted him to be...but he's STILL the child's father and unless his rights are terminated he has a right to be JUST as much a part of his life as you do.


[/B] [/COLOR]
Actually there have been quite a few studies done that show 50/50 to be really detrimental to children, 50/50 typically being 2 weeks with mom and 2 weeks with dad and then 2 weeks with mom again. The kids never really get the opportunity to settle in to any one particular routine and it is exhausting and draining for them. 50/50 is not always the answer, especially when dealing with a younger child, which most courst will acknowledge at least that much. SFS you need to look up the state visitation guidelines for Maine and Oregon and be prepared to go by that as that is most likely what will take place. Many states have visitation guidelines for situations when the NCP is out of town or out of state, all formulated by age.
I think given that SFS has consulted two different attorneys, both of which have advised her to park her butt in oregon, then we need to back off and let her attorney do their job.
 
#73 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by wytchywoman View Post
I think given that SFS has consulted two different attorneys, both of which have advised her to park her butt in oregon, then we need to back off and let her attorney do their job.
Because she could lose custody. And if any attorney told her that there was a 100% guarantee that if she parked her butt in Oregon (which doesn't have jurisdiction and the child support/custody guidelines won't be used, at all) she will keep custody, then that attorney is only telling her what she wants to hear. Especially if that attorney is an Oregon attorney. Which if he is, he is going to have an issue actually representing her in Maine.

And she has consulted 3 different attorneys. One told her to get back to Oregon or she could lose custody. That's probably the one who is actually telling the truth.
 
#74 ·
Can you give some background on what studies show 50/50 to be detrimental? I've never seen any. I have a ton that show otherwise (I'll post below) so I'd be interested to read other research if it's out there. This is a really passionate area of mine, so if there are unbiased studies showing it's bad for the kids I'd be interested in reading them.

And honestly if that's what her stbx is pushing for than it's very likely what's going to happen. HE is asking for 50/50 and she is asking to remove the child. The courts are VERY likely to go with the 50/50. So, I'm encouraging her to get the info and learn how to make that work, because it CAN work, and if she doesn't have a choice in the matter than it's her responsibility to make it work best for her child.
 
#75 ·
I bolded the key stuff. ~T

The main research papers discussing/evaluating/addressing custody issues:

A. Luepnitz. Maternal, paternal and joint custody: A study of families after divorce. Doctoral thesis 1980. State University of New York at Buffalo. UMI No. 80-27618. Luepnitz studied single parent custody and joint custody. Most single parent children were dissatisfied with the amount of visitation they had, whereas the children of joint custody arrangements seemed reasonably happy with their exposure to both their parents. The quality of the parent-child relationship was determined to be better for joint custody. (The ncp-child relationship is described as more like an aunt or uncle - child relationship.)

S.A. Nunan. Joint custody versus single custody effects on child development. Doctoral thesis 1980. California School of Professional Psychology, Berkeley, UMI No. 81-10142 Nunan compared 20 joint custody children (ages 7-11) with 20 age-matched children in sole maternal custody. All families were at least two years after separation or divorce. Joint custody children were found to have higher ego strengths, superego strengths and self-esteem than the single custody children. The joint custody children were also found to be less excitable and less impatient than their sole custody counterparts. For children under four at the time of separation the differences were very small.

B. Welsh-Osga. The effects of custody arrangements on children of divorce. Doctoral thesis 1981. University of South Dakota. UMI No. 82-6914. Welsh-Osga compared children in intact families with joint custody and single custody families. Age range 4 1/2 to 10 years old. Children from joint custody were found to be more satisfied with the time spent with both parents. Parents in joint custody were found to be more involved with their children. (Joint custody parents found to be less overburdened by parenting responsibilities than sole custody parents.) Children from all four groups (intact families, sole maternal, sole paternal, joint custody) were found to be equally well adjusted by their various standardized measures.

D.B. Cowan. Mother Custody versus Joint Custody: Children`s parental Relationship and Adjustment. Doctoral Thesis 1982. University of Washington. UMI No. 82-18213. Cowan compared 20 joint custody and 20 sole (maternal) custody families. Children in joint physical custody were rated as better adjusted by their mothers compared with children of sole custody mothers. The children`s perceptions in sole custody situations correlated with the amount of time spent with their father. The more time children from sole maternal custody spent with their fathers, the more accepting BOTH parents were perceived to be, and the more well-adjusted were the children.

E.G. Pojman. Emotional Adjustment of Boys in Sole and Joint Custody compared with Adjustment of Boys in Happy and Unhappy Marriages. Doctoral thesis 1982. California Graduate Institute. UMI No. ? Pojman compared children in the age range 5 to 13 years old. Boys in joint custody were significantly better adjusted than boys in sole maternal custody. Comparing boys in all groups, boys in joint custody compared very similarly to boys from happy families.

E.B. Karp. Children`s adjustment in joint and single custody: An Empirical Study. Doctoral thesis 1982. California school of professional psychology, Berkeley. UMI No. 83-6977. Age range of children 5 to 12 years, studying early period of separation or divorce. Boys and girls in sole custody situation had more negative involvement with their parents than in joint custody situation. There was in increase reported in sibling rivalry reported for sole custody children when visiting their father (ncp). Girls in joint custody reported to have significantly higher self-esteem than girls in sole custody.

D.A. Luepnitz. Child Custody: A Study of Families after Divorce. Lexington Books 1982. A summary of the thesis in book form.

J.A. Livingston. Children after Divorce: A Psychosocial analysis of the effects of custody on self esteem. Doctoral thesis 1983. University of Vermont. UMI No. 83-26981. Comparative study of children in mother sole custody, father sole custody, joint custody with mother primary, joint custody with father primary. Children in joint custody situations were found to be better adjusted than children in sole custody situations.

L.P. Noonan. Effects of long-tern conflict on personality functioning of children of divorce. Doctoral thesis 1984. The Wright Institute Graduate School of Psychology, Berkeley. UMI No. 84-17931. Long-term effects were studied in joint custody, sole maternal custody and intact families. Children in joint custody families were found to be more active than in sole custody families or intact families. In low conflict situations children did better (demonstrated less withdrawal) than in either sole custody or intact families.

V. Shiller. Joint and Maternal Custody: The outcome for boys aged 6-11 and their parents. Doctoral thesis 1984. University of Delaware. UMI No. 85-11219. The thesis compares 20 boys in joint custody with 20 matched boys in sole maternal custody. A number of tests were used. Boys from a joint custody environment were found to be better adjusted than boys from a sole custody environment.

Joint Custody and Shared Parenting. (Collection of Papers) Published by Bureau of National Affairs, Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. Ed. Jay Folberg. 1984

M.R. Patrician. The effects of legal child-custody status on persuasion strategy choices and communication goals of fathers. Doctoral Thesis 1984. University of San Francisco. UMI No. 85-14995. 90 parents were questioned regarding how unequal recognition of parental rights might encourage conflict. Joint legal custody was found to encourage parental cooperation and dis-courage self-interest. Sole custody in both custodial AND non-custodial status encouraged punishment-oriented persuasion strategies. Unequal custody power was perceived as inhibiting parental cooperation by BOTH parents.

G.M. Bredefeld. Joint Custody and Remarriage: its effects on marital adjustment and children. Doctoral Thesis. California School of Professional Psychology, Fresno. UMI No. 85-10926 Both sole and joint custody children adjusted well to the remarriage of their parent; no significant difference found between the groups. The parents of joint custody situations, however, expressed more satisfaction with their children and indicated that they appreciated the time alone with their new spouse. Sole custody children also reported seeing their father less often after remarriage of the mother; this did not happen in joint custody situations.

B.H. Granite. An investigation of the relationships among self-concept, parental behaviors, and the adjustment of children in different living arrangements following a marital separation and/or divorce. Doctoral thesis 1985. University of Pennsylvania, Philadelphia. UMI No. 85-23424. Parents in sole custodial homes (both maternal and paternal) were perceived as using psychological pressure techniques to control children. e.g. inducing guilt. However, in joint custody homes, the perception of the children was that such techniques were seldom used. No difference in self-concept was detectable among the different homes. Children`s ages 9-12 years. 15 joint, 15 maternal sole, 15 paternal sole.

S. Handley. The experience of the child in sole and joint custody. Doctoral thesis 1985. California Graduate School of Marriage and Family Therapy. Joint custody children more satisfied than sole custody children.

S.M.H.Hanson. Healthy single parent families. Family Relations v.35, p.125-132, 1985. 21 joint custody and 21 sole custody families compared. Mothers in joint custody found in better mental health. Mothers with sole custody sons had the least amount of social support and mothers with joint custody of sons had the most. Joint custody mothers reported best child-parent problem solving of all.

S. A. Wolchik, S. L. Braver and I.N. Sandler. J. of Clinical Child Psych. Vol. 14, p.5-10, 1985. Self-esteem found higher in children of joint custody. Children in joint custody report significantly more positive experiences than children of sole maternal custody.

P. M. Raines. (Misplaced Reference) Paper describes a survey of 1,200+ children whose parents are in process of divorcing. Children wishing to live with both parents given as a function of age: under age 8, 90%; age 8 - 10, 76%, age 10 - 12, 44%. 1985 paper.

J. Pearson and N. Thoennes. The Judges Journal, Winter, 1986. Will this Divorced Woman Receive Support? Your Custody Decision may determine the Answer. Child support compared among sole custody and joint custody. Joint custody shown to produce much better compliance in child support payments to the mother.

E.E. Maccoby, R.H. Mnookin and C.E. Depner. Post-divorce families: Custodial arrangements compared. American Association of Science, Philadelphia. May 1986. Mothers with joint custody were found to be more satisfied, when compared with mothers in sole custody situation.

P. M. Raines. Joint custody and the right to travel: legal and psychological implications. J. of Family Law, v. 24, 625-656, 1986

P. Neubauer. Reciprocal effects of fathering on parent and child. Men Growing Up. (1986)

J. Schaub. Joint Custodu After Divorce: Views and Attitudes of Mental Health Professionals and Writers. Rutgers University, Doctoral Thesis. 1986. No. 86-14559

V. Shiller. Joint versus maternal families with latency age boys: Parent characteristics and child adjustment. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, v. 56, p. 486-9, 1986. Interviews with boys as well as with both parents. Age group 6-11. Found boys from joint custody families better adjusted than comparison group of boys from sole maternal custody families.

M.B. Isaacs, G.H. Leon and M. Kline. When is a parent out of the picture? Different custody, different perceptions. Family Process, v.26, p.101-110, 1987. This study compares children from five groups: joint physical custody, joint-legal maternal-physical, joint-legal paternal-physical, sole maternal and sole paternal custody. On their measurement of how children perceive the importance of family members, sole custody children were three times mores likely to omit one parent than joint custody situations.

F.S. Williams. Child Custody and Parental Cooperation. American Bar Assn, Family Law, August 1987. Williams studied high-conflict, high-risk situations. He found that children in sole custody (typically but not exclusively maternal) much more likely to be subject to parental kidnapping and/or physical harm. He found that high-conflict families do better and are more likely to learn cooperative behavior when given highly detailed orders from the judge.

CRC Report: R-103A. Synopses of Sole and Joint Custody Studies. Shows that the preponderance of research supports the presumption that joint custody is in the best interests of children. 1987.

J.B. Kelly. Longer term adjustment in children of divorce: Converging Findings and Implications for Practice. Journal of Family Psychology, v.2, p.112-140, 1988.

M. Zaslow. Sex Differences in children`s response to parental divorce. Paper 1. Research methodology and postdivorce family forms. American J. of Orthopsychiatry. v.58, 355, 1988. Paper 2. Samples, Variables, Ages and Sources. Am. J. Orthopsychiatry, v.59, p118, 1989.

J.S. Wallerstein and S. Blakeslee. Second chances: Men, women and children after divorce. New York,Ticknor and Fields. 1989

M. Kline, J.M. Tschann, J.R. Johnson and J.S. Wallerstein. Children`s adjustment in joint and sole custody families. Developmental Psychology, v. 25, p. 430-435, 1989. This work finds that in non-conflicted joint and sole custody families there is little measurable difference between a child`s behavior in sole or joint custody. Luepnitz pointed out that joint custody children retain a more normal parent-child relationship than sole custody children, Wolchik et al found that joint custody children have significantly more positive experiences and higher self-esteem than sole custody counter-parts.

Lehrman paper Study of 90 children, equally divided between joint physical, joint-legal maternal, and sole maternal custody. Sole custody children shown to have greater self-hate and perceived more rejection from their fathers. Joint physical and joint legal custody children suffered fewer emotional problems than sole custody children. 1990 paper, have mis-placed reference.

L.M.C. Bisnaire, P.Firestone and D. Rynard. Factors associated with academic achievement in children following parent separation. American J. of Orthopsychiatry. v.60(1), p.67-76, 1990 Visitation found to be a most significant factor in enabling children to maintain pre-divorce academic standards.

J. Pearson and N. Thoennes. Custody after divorce: Demographic and attitudinal patterns. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, v.60(2), p. 233-249, 1990. Regular visitation shown to be significant in a number of factors explaining positive adjustment patterns.

R.A. Warshak. The Custody Revolution. 1992.

D. Popenoe, Associate Dean for Social and Behavioral Sciences of Rutgers University, co-chairman of the Council on Families in America. "The Controversial Truth: Two-parent Families are Better." Published in Speak out for Children, v.8 Winter 1992-3.

The Best Parent is Both Parents, D.L. Levy, Hampton Roads Publishing Co., Norfolk, Virginia. 1 (800) 677-8707. 1993.

Address for obtaining theses:

University Microfilms International, 300 North Zeeb Rd,
Ann Arbor,
MI 48106.

1-800-521-3042
 
#76 ·
I will NEVER buy that 50/50 shared time is in a child's best interest.

Still
:

Please do not sign any 50/50 paper work. I did under the guise that it would take the court out of our business and it has been used as bio dad has choosen to screw me over.


Please be careful and prayerfully consider EVERYTHING!

 
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