would you file for support in this situation? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 86 Old 01-11-2009, 05:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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This pregnancy was unplanned and unexpected, child was conceived WITH protection, and both the father and I had been careful and had prior discussed the fact that we did not want any more kids. Being the super-fertile duo that we are I ended up getting pregnant.
He explicitly wanted me to terminate and expressed to me that he does not, can not and never wanted any more kids, I agreed with him and understood how devastating this was for him (for both of us) but I decided to keep the baby anyway. I felt that it happened for a reason, and believe that every baby is a blessing. He supported my decision but has not been involved in my pregnancy.
I have decided that I am not going to go after him for child support.I think that under the circumstances this is only fair. A few people have said that they think I am wrong for not trying to get money - I am looking for opinions.

Would you file under these circumstance?
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#2 of 86 Old 01-11-2009, 06:02 PM
 
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Would you file under these circumstance?

Yes, I would. You didn't get pregnant all by yourself. He was a willing participant. It's also a well-known fact that birth control isn't 100% effective. It's also a well-known fact that it is the woman's body that gets pregnant, therefore; her choice on continuing or terminating the pregnancy.

If he didn't want anymore kids, he could have gotten a vasectomy. He didn't.

Your baby has a right to be financially and emotionally supported by both parents. Obviously, you can't force the father to step up to the plate for the emotional part, but there are laws that will help you with the financial part.

One other thing to keep in mind, if you choose not to pursue child support, if you ever go on public assistance, the state will go after him.
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#3 of 86 Old 01-11-2009, 06:03 PM
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Yes. Number one, the money is not yours to give up; it's your child's.

Number two, if he didn't want to risk having a baby, he shouldn't have put his penis in you. The evangelicals are right on one count -- unless God likes you a whole, whole bunch, abstinence is the only 100% guaranteed form of birth control.
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#4 of 86 Old 01-11-2009, 06:16 PM
 
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Yes.

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#5 of 86 Old 01-11-2009, 07:01 PM
 
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What's been said. That neither of you planned it and that he wanted you to terminate is immaterial. He helped make the baby, it is only fair that he helps to support it.

Should you truly not need the money (and really, with five kids you're not going to need any help?), bank it for your child's future.

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#6 of 86 Old 01-11-2009, 07:39 PM
 
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I can see both sides of your dilemma. A big yeah that to all the other posts, but at the same time...

:

Something to think about, that's for sure. Do you have other kids with him?

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#7 of 86 Old 01-11-2009, 08:04 PM
 
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yes

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#8 of 86 Old 01-11-2009, 10:00 PM
 
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yes

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#9 of 86 Old 01-11-2009, 10:22 PM
 
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I'm in the same situation for the most part and i will not put the dad on the birth certificate or file for support. I've thought long and hard about and decided it is best for now. The dad wants nothing to do with me or the baby, refuses to even speak to me and he got back together with his ex. His ex called and told me to terminate because she refuses to help him raise the baby. I do not want to deal with custody with this man and this woman and so if i don't file support i don't need to deal with custody. He already told my friend that if i file for support he will take joint custody just so he won't have to pay support even though he really wants nothing to do with the baby. Too much drama for me and i already have been through a yucky custody battle. DO whatever feels right. Many people are irked at me for even having this baby, but my body, my life and my decision.
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#10 of 86 Old 01-11-2009, 10:37 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ginger_rodgers View Post
Yes. Number one, the money is not yours to give up; it's your child's.
I was going to say no, but This statement changed my mind. Your original post made me feel like you were comfortable with the fathers reasons for not wanting to be involved.

Maybe you could put the child support in a savings or college account. Or something that they can't get into until they are older

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#11 of 86 Old 01-12-2009, 12:36 AM
 
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I agree that child support is to go toward the child so it is in many ways not yours to decide on accepting or not accepting....

That said, you have to follow your heart because you (and your child) have to live with the decision. Can you provide for your child and your child's future education without financial help from the father? If so then you have more options, if not then at least ask the father to contribute what would have been for child support into a college fund or saving bonds with annual proof.

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#12 of 86 Old 01-12-2009, 01:01 AM
 
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yes.

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#13 of 86 Old 01-12-2009, 01:05 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Avani View Post
I'm in the same situation for the most part and i will not put the dad on the birth certificate or file for support. I've thought long and hard about and decided it is best for now. The dad wants nothing to do with me or the baby, refuses to even speak to me and he got back together with his ex. His ex called and told me to terminate because she refuses to help him raise the baby. I do not want to deal with custody with this man and this woman and so if i don't file support i don't need to deal with custody. He already told my friend that if i file for support he will take joint custody just so he won't have to pay support even though he really wants nothing to do with the baby. Too much drama for me and i already have been through a yucky custody battle. DO whatever feels right. Many people are irked at me for even having this baby, but my body, my life and my decision.
What you have to realize is that child support and visitation are related only barely, if at all. In Texas, by law, the two have nothing to do with one another. There is NOTHING preventing the father of your child from one day deciding to file for joint custody even without you asking for child support.

I understand your reasoning, and of course you must do what you feel best. But please don't make the decision to not ask for support because you think it will stop him from going for custody if he decides to be a total a*****e about it. Because it won't.

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#14 of 86 Old 01-12-2009, 01:18 AM
 
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No. If I chose to continue a pregnancy against the wishes of the other parent, I would take full responsibiity myself.
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#15 of 86 Old 01-12-2009, 01:46 PM
 
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Unless there's a reason to NOT put his name on the birth certificate, then you may aswell file for financial support from him if you are naming him as the father. Your child has a right to that money/support.

jmo- if you are going to get financial support from him, be aware there is more chance he will change his mind at some point down the line and want to know his son/daughter -have some contact. Do you want that? Just something to think about.

Like Avani said, if you don't want him involved at all -with good reasons, then it's probably best to not bother. It's not just what is convenient for you though, it should be what is in the best interest of the child.
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#16 of 86 Old 01-12-2009, 01:49 PM
 
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Yes, I would.
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#17 of 86 Old 01-12-2009, 01:57 PM
 
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if you are asking what I ME would do - i go with my gut, and i always take the ''hard' path. so i would not file for support. but that's just me. most of the time i am v. v. torn. because i know i am going against what's obvious, what is the 'right' thing to do... but for me i AM doing the right thing.

it depends on how you feel. sometimes in my heart i am a 100% sure even though whatever others say. other times if i am not sure then i would listen everyone's viewpoint and then check and see how i feel.

in my life i have found that initially life has been hard because i have chosen the hard way, but ultimately it all worked out and even without i still was able to have that quality of life i thougth i wouldnt.

ultimately it is YOUR decision. because it involves your sense of fairness.

on paper of course you should file. but in your world that might not apply.

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#18 of 86 Old 01-12-2009, 02:18 PM
 
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if you are asking what I ME would do - i go with my gut, and i always take the ''hard' path. so i would not file for support. but that's just me. most of the time i am v. v. torn. because i know i am going against what's obvious, what is the 'right' thing to do... but for me i AM doing the right thing.

it depends on how you feel. sometimes in my heart i am a 100% sure even though whatever others say. other times if i am not sure then i would listen everyone's viewpoint and then check and see how i feel.

in my life i have found that initially life has been hard because i have chosen the hard way, but ultimately it all worked out and even without i still was able to have that quality of life i thougth i wouldnt.

ultimately it is YOUR decision. because it involves your sense of fairness.

on paper of course you should file. but in your world that might not apply.
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#19 of 86 Old 01-12-2009, 04:18 PM
 
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No. If I chose to continue a pregnancy against the wishes of the other parent, I would take full responsibiity myself.
In total agreement.

Whenever I get into a difficult situation, I always try to imagine myself in the other person's shoes. What would I do? In this case, if I were the father, I'd be really upset and disappointed if the pregnancy continued AND the mother filed for child support even though I specifically did not want the child.
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#20 of 86 Old 01-15-2009, 01:16 AM
 
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Yes.

The child's rights trump the father's desire to not be responsible.

ETA: I'm sure there are a few circumstances in which I would say forget the $ - if father is so seriously dangerous to the child and/or mother that any contact at all - even via legal channels - would be risky, if the father is truly & totally destitute, things like that. Just b/c he wishes you weren't pregnant? No.
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#21 of 86 Old 01-15-2009, 01:26 AM
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In total agreement.

Whenever I get into a difficult situation, I always try to imagine myself in the other person's shoes. What would I do? In this case, if I were the father, I'd be really upset and disappointed if the pregnancy continued AND the mother filed for child support even though I specifically did not want the child.
Well, if you specifically don't want to risk having a child, you should specifically not have sex.
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#22 of 86 Old 01-15-2009, 02:47 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all the opinions so far.. I guess I am feeling lost right now and it does help to see other people's perspectives.
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#23 of 86 Old 01-15-2009, 04:03 AM
 
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i would not. your partner did not want the child so it was your decision to keep the child hence you need to take the responsibility for your child.

when i split from my ex husband i did not ask for support. all i asked if he paid half of her preschool tuition and eventually after care expenses. i buy her clothes, pay for health care, etc. why? cuz i dont want anything to do with him plus he wouldn't pay and it would just be an extra source of stress.

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#24 of 86 Old 01-15-2009, 04:16 AM
 
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i would not. your partner did not want the child so it was your decision to keep the child hence you need to take the responsibility for your child.
The father needs to take responsibility for his child, too. She didn't get pregnant by herself. If he didn't want a child, then he should have either gotten a vasectomy or not had sex.



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when i split from my ex husband i did not ask for support. all i asked if he paid half of her preschool tuition and eventually after care expenses. i buy her clothes, pay for health care, etc. why? cuz i dont want anything to do with him plus he wouldn't pay and it would just be an extra source of stress.
When you have kids with someone, it is kind of hard not to have anything to do with them.

If you want to give up the financial support that the father of the child is responsible for, that is up to you (as long as you don't get public assistance, that is). You are robbing your child of that money, but that is your choice. And one that you AND your child have to live with. Especially if you are struggling financially.
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#25 of 86 Old 01-15-2009, 05:07 AM
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i would not. your partner did not want the child so it was your decision to keep the child hence you need to take the responsibility for your child.
I agree with Goodmom on this. If her partner didn't want a child, he had some options. Snip snip, or don't have sex. If he was too lazy to do this, or didn't have the self-control, this is not her fault, and it's wrong of him to have sex with a woman and then tell her to have an abortion.

Sperm is kind of a never-backsies situation, I'm afraid.
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#26 of 86 Old 01-15-2009, 10:33 AM
 
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Yes. If he truly did not want more kids (or the responsibility for more kids) he should not have been having sex. or gotten snipped (of course that is not 100%). sex = kids. period. (as this instance proves. all the birth control in the world sometimes is not enough) and kids = taking responsibility for them in some way. period. He does not get to choose if he takes responsibility for this. If he kills someone he will have to take responsibility for his actions. regardless of if it is an accident or intentional. it will not be his choice. Same goes for starting a life. He has to be responsible for his actions be they intentional or accidental. Maybe next time he will take the huge responsibility of sex a little more seriously if he truly desires not to have that responsibility.

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#27 of 86 Old 01-15-2009, 04:20 PM
 
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Yes I would.

I see your point, but I think I disagree with you because your view comes across as it would be your money and you're willing to live with the bad consequences, when in reality it's the child's money and not yours to give away.

It's too bad many men threaten to "take" joint custody if a woman files for support, because it's just blackmail and in most cases the men who are already out of the picture custody-wise will stay out of it no matter what happens with the child support. Still, being blackmailed, or fearing such blackmail can be a scary thing, I realize.
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#28 of 86 Old 01-15-2009, 04:31 PM
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when i split from my ex husband i did not ask for support. all i asked if he paid half of her preschool tuition and eventually after care expenses. i buy her clothes, pay for health care, etc. why? cuz i dont want anything to do with him plus he wouldn't pay and it would just be an extra source of stress.
If a guy doesn't pay, then all you're doing is putting money in the bank for the kid. Odds are that over the span of a couple of decades he's going to accumulate something, even if it's just a motorcycle. There are statutes of limits on child support that allow you to go after him for the money long after it's due.

Stress, well... what's not stressful, in raising kids? But someday that kid may need something, or want to go to college, and as many people here know, it's a whole lot better to have the money in hand than to have the debt around your neck for years afterwards. You don't have to go after the money every day, but it's good to have the order so the option's there.
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#29 of 86 Old 01-15-2009, 04:57 PM
 
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I want to say what pps have said, but perhaps somewhat less harshly, because I think it sounds like (you both) was responsible as far as having protected sex which, in reality, works most of the time. But it *didn't* work, so it doesn't matter how responsible the two of you were about using protection...this is the situation now. It may sound unfair from a male perspective that they don't have a say in whether or not a woman terminates her pregnancy but of course it IS fair. And the right thing to do, what an honorable man would do, is to pay child support. Sometimes in life, things happen that we didn't want or anticipate. You didn't trick this man, you didn't get pregnant to ruin his life. A new life is coming, and what he should do, what he *would* do if were good and honorable, is to suck it up and do the right thing, which is to support this child that is his.

You have every right to pursue child support and indeed, I think you owe it to your child to do so!

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#30 of 86 Old 01-15-2009, 07:40 PM
 
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No. If I chose to continue a pregnancy against the wishes of the other parent, I would take full responsibiity myself.
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Sperm is kind of a never-backsies situation, I'm afraid.
I agree! You both made this bed, and should have to live with the results. HOW you decide, thats up to you! (but we'll give you some people to bounce ideas off! )

I cannot stand the idea that "women get pregnant" men would have gone extint years ago if we could do that ourselves.

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