I'm lonely... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 15 Old 01-13-2009, 04:14 AM - Thread Starter
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And I don't know where else to admit it. I've kind of been lurking here for a while and see all the amazing support you mamas give one another.

It feels wrong to admit that I'm lonely... I have things that I do...in fact this week ds and I have things to do everyday. I have friends, albeit new friends but certainly people I can talk to about mommy things (though none of them are single), I have a toddler who fills my life with joy and challenges and who wants nothing more than to be with his mommy, I have a family that is as supportive as they can be and we see my mother most evenings for dinner and spend the weekends doing toddler-friendly things. But still, the sentiment stands...

I'm not in a place to try to date again...and really don't know when I would be. I'm still legally married and probably will be for almost all of 2009 and I have no interest in finding a man who would be comfortable with dating a married woman...long separated or not. Plus I'm going to have to go to work soon and can't imagine anything but necessity (and the occasional need for a sanity break) taking me away from my ds. Plus, I'm not entirely sure that there's a man out there who would be willing to deal with my baggage, loving of my son, and supportive of my parenting style. If such a man exists, I have further doubts that we'd ever meet...it just seems too much to ask. But despite knowing that, I feel, as I said, lonely without this mythical person.

...maybe it's because it's trash day...I've always hated trash day (believing, as I do, that it's a manly chore and feeling rather put out for having to do it myself)... :
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#2 of 15 Old 01-13-2009, 04:16 AM
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For what it's worth, I'm married (to the second husband) and he never takes out the trash.

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#3 of 15 Old 01-13-2009, 05:09 AM
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at the beginning i felt like the world had come to an end. yet here i am almost 3 years later and i'm almost back on top. i have a new career, a decent roof over our heads, a bf of 2 yrs who accepts me with all my baggage (child and bipolar) and my ap style. he's intelligent, successful, kind and supportive yet he chooses to share his life with us...
i have low pts but there are more sunny days than i have every had before...
give it time mama, time heals and gives you perspective...

single mama to DD 5.09
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#4 of 15 Old 01-13-2009, 06:23 PM - Thread Starter
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Thanks for the words of encouragement. I forgot to mention I've been separated for 2 years...I feel like I've healed from the relationship and am, by no means, mourning the loss of the man I married...just perhaps the lack of the family I wanted us to have...and still hope one day to find with a good man...
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#5 of 15 Old 01-14-2009, 05:14 PM
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#6 of 15 Old 01-15-2009, 04:41 AM
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to you and it is lonely sometimes, but it does get easier. and i know how you feel. for a while, i wanted no parts of dating, but it will come to you only when you are ready.

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#7 of 15 Old 01-15-2009, 12:31 PM
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I haven't been on this forum for a while, but came here this morning looking for support for the same reason. I'm lonely. I am a lawyer, I have my 4-yr-old DS with me five nights a week, and when he is not with me, I am working.

DH and I have been separated for a year and a half, and are working on the divorce papers now. It was my choice. Still, I am grieving for the loss of my little family unit, grieving for the second child I won't have (we had DS through IVF, and had frozen embryos but allowed the hospital to destroy them in December because of the divorce) and just- lonely, in spite of friends and family.

I hope it gets easier for you, for us- I am sure it does. We can't see around the next corner to the happiness that lies ahead, but it's there. In the meantime, I suppose, we go on enjoying the good things in life, and accept the loneliness while knowing it will not be permanent.
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#8 of 15 Old 01-15-2009, 12:52 PM
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how is it that saying goes 'we always long for what we have not'.

i am so sorry mama's that you are so lonely.

as bad mama jama said yes it does get easier. with both of you i notice it hasnt been v. long.

the reason why i started with that saying is because i remember when i was married - v. v. happily for the first 3 years - i used to miss my single carefree days. just the freedom of not having to tell someone i was going to go do something and not come straight home after work. in fact one time i did go for dinner with a friend without letting dh know till much later. other little freedoms that didnt exist.

and yes even 5 years after separation i still have the twinges. sometimes. esp. having known what it was like. but it was in passing. nothing major. i have such a great time on my own that the lonely feeling comes for a bit and then passes on. instead these days when i am really having a good time (which to me means taking a silent hike, or reading a book and letting the house go, or being here and letting the house go i often wonder do i really want someone in my life.

one thing though i will say (and this was when i was still married too and my ex just wasnt into that kind of thing) it was really hard when my dd was young and i had no one to share her milestones with. the awe and wonder. my then dh wasnt really interested in it as i was. as my dd grew older and no longer that kinda huge milestones, the longing went away.

for me just being in that space - just sitting on the park bench, with the sun in my face, the rustling of the leaves, the different bird calls, the screams of children in the background - is sooo beautiful that you dont think fo what you have, who you are. you just sit and enjoy. the peace and calm. you dont think. you just sit and feel.

i make sure i get as many of those moments as i can. however you define that. it also used to be long warm baths. it also included my dd at times too. i got the same feeling out of it. the more you treat yourself you will find that a partner is not the only answer.


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#9 of 15 Old 01-19-2009, 12:30 AM
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I have been separated for 2 years as well, my divorce will be final April 25th. It seems that I have gone through phases of loving my independece, and being lonely. I miss all of the things that I used to have adult compaionship for - watching tv when the kids are asleep, making coffee and drinking it with someone in the mornig - and yes, someone to take out the damn trash on trash day.... and days like today when my car is snowed in I am extra lonely that I have nobody here to shovel with. I think that my personal probelm is that even though I am lonely I don't reach out to friends or family to make plans, invite people to dinner etc., because I'd much rather wallow in my loneliness... sounds wrong written down but I think that is my problem. I don't know if you do this too... but either way I think hands down the hardest part of single parenting is that it is lonely!!
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#10 of 15 Old 01-19-2009, 07:25 PM
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just like veggiemama, I didn't really reach out when I was single. I have a minor case of social anxiety (self-diagnosed ).

hindsight is 2020.........knowing what I know now......

I would make myself be more bold.......

I would ask Mr. Hunk out.........(I'm maybe a 6 on a 1-10)

I was lonely, very lonely. But, I wish that I would've just enjoyed dating!

OH how much I missed because I became a single mom and so young.

Just enjoy your life no matter what your current situation. You make your life great. Not your significant other.
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#11 of 15 Old 01-20-2009, 04:12 PM
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Its ok to feel lonely. Sometimes we need it.

I too have a fabulous 5.5 month old that is my world but I can't help but miss the strong arms of a man sometimes or someone telling me how much they've missed me during the day. His father and I aren't together and recently ended our "untitled" situation of 2 years. I want to date but at the same time I don't want to. Too afraid of getting hurt and too afraid of starting all over.

Embrace the lonely time and fill it with exercise or a hobby. When the right one or right time comes, it will be a wonderful relief.

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#12 of 15 Old 01-20-2009, 04:29 PM
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I am sorry you feel this way.

I have found I am really only lonely when my DD is with her father. Then it doesnt matter if I am with a room full of people I feel lonely. Since I dont feel this way at all when my DD is off with other family members I have chalked it up to my fear that my ex is caring for DD as she needs to be cared for. He tends to take a "its good enough" additute with everything including DD and I worry a lot for her safety and emotional health. She a very active emotional high needs child. Also since he has previously threatened "youll never see her again" each time she is with him I fear this time he will follow through on his threat despite having a police interference clause in our court order. I hope this loneliness will pass overtime.

Again to you
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#13 of 15 Old 01-21-2009, 01:20 AM
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meemee, that was so beautiful. I've been separated 6 months now (divorce not final yet - still going on) and wonder when I'll want to date. I have no interest right now - none. I do get lonely sometimes too, usually when my girls are at their Dad's house, but not all the time. It's a hard feeling to have. But I remember how lonely I felt when I was married too - much more lonely b/c the expectation was there that I wouldn't be.

And trash day - I took out the trash all of our marriage and thought for years and years, this can only end badly, a man who doesn't take out the trash.
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#14 of 15 Old 01-21-2009, 08:19 AM
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Originally Posted by hkitty View Post
But I remember how lonely I felt when I was married too - much more lonely b/c the expectation was there that I wouldn't be.
: I try to remember that, and remember how truly awful and full of despair that life was.
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#15 of 15 Old 01-21-2009, 10:49 PM
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I'm lonely too.

I'm glad I stood up for myself. It's better to be lonely than with my former UAV. I'm glad I loved myself enough to say no to things that are not right, that are hurtful and wrong.
I'm learning to love myself. My kids rock.

But it still gets lonely sometimes.

Take the time to heal from your marriage before you move on with someone else. Make a list of all the qualities you would like in a new partner and then work on growing that way yourself. ~mandib50
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