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#1 of 17 Old 01-16-2009, 02:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am in need of some serious advice. Okay im not for sure if alot of you know the situation im in right now. Im 27 weeks pregnant and the father of my baby has been nothing but hateful the whole time ive been pregnant saying that he does not want to be in his life and that he is going to sign away his parental rights. He is trying his best to talk me into putting my baby up for adoption. We actually went a couple of months ago to an adoption agency to talk about putting him up for adoption because he had me so brainwashed into beliving that adoption is for the best. Let me explain a little about myself...i currently do not have a job and i live at home with my parents and to him that is just the most horrible thing in the world not to mention though that he is 27 and still lives at home with his parents BUT hes in a local band so he doesnt think that counts lol he says since i still live at home that he doesnt want me to keep him because he will grow up completely screwed up in the head because of it. He also told me that he will kill himself if i decide to keep him because he could never live with that guilt of knowing he was being raised in a home where i still lived with my parents. Does all of this sound crazy to you or what? The guy is a major jerk. Just because at first i was talked into adoption and i was actually thinking about it for awhile he is now holding that over my head saying that i cannot change my mind and i cannot keep him because im starting to sound like a liar since i told him i would originally go thru with the adoption. Its getting to the point where ive just about gone off the deep end. He text messages me alot just to make sure im still going to go thru with the adoption and when i try to tell him that i just couldnt do that because i already have so much love for this child....thats when he starts getting pissed saying that im trying to mess his life up and that he hopes im happy. He does not care about my feelings any..all he cares about is making sure i put him up for adoption that way he doesnt have to pay child support. Im at the end of my rope because im constantly so stressed. He walks all over me and acts like i dont have a mind of my own. My cousin who lives in M.I. has a friend that wants to adopt a baby and ive already talked to her several times on the phone and i just dont think i can actually go thru with adoption. I need some serious advice about this situation because i feel like im going crazy over it.
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#2 of 17 Old 01-16-2009, 02:35 PM
 
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First of all. Do you want this baby? Just think fast, don't question yourself. If your answer is yes, then YOU CAN DO THIS!

Your ex is filling your head with doubt because that's how HE FEELS. He doesn't want a child, so he wants you to doubt that you can take care of a child. HE IS WRONG. If you have the desire to parent your child, then you can.

I would put a stop to all communication during your pregnancy with your ex. I had to do this when I was pregnant. My ex was calling at odd times, yelling, telling me that I would ruin this child, that I couldn't do it, that I was a b!tch, and would fail.

I didn't need to go to the police, I simply called his Mother, and asked her to please talk to her son, tell him not to contact me until after the baby's birth, that it wasn't good for my health. If you don't have any relationship with his family then I would contact the police and ask them what you should do. Don't open his emails, don't except any more phone calls. He is trying to make you weak, and you don't need that in your life right now.

It doesn't matter if you live with your parents. I moved back home in the middle of my pregnancy to help my Dad care for my Mother who was ill. My dd and I lived in my Dad's house until just last Fall, I lived there a total of 9 years, and I don't regret it at all. It worked out for all involved, and my dd was blessed with many people to love her.

Take this time, your pregnancy to accept only good energy from others. Keep yourself healthy, and strong (mentally and physically). Get on any assistance you can, and just think about being a good Mama. We'll all be there for you later to help you figure out where you wish to live, how you want to support your child later. Right now, think about YOU!

You are not crazy. You are stressed out. Change your number or block his texts, it's not worth it. Many of us found ourselves in not perfect situations when we were pregnant. Many of us blossomed in these situations, but the first step is getting rid of everything that fills you with doubt.


-Janna, independent mother of dd, Ms. Mattie Sky born on my 25th birthday, 06*23*2000. My Mama Feb.21,1938-Sept.10,2006
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#3 of 17 Old 01-16-2009, 02:39 PM
 
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Obviously you want to keep your baby. If I were you I would end all communication with him for the rest of the pregnancy. There is nothing wrong with living with your parents. Don't let him bully you and ruin the rest of your pregnancy. Good luck!
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#4 of 17 Old 01-16-2009, 03:05 PM
 
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Obviously you want to keep your baby. If I were you I would end all communication with him for the rest of the pregnancy. There is nothing wrong with living with your parents. Don't let him bully you and ruin the rest of your pregnancy. Good luck!
Yes. Stop talking to him, period. Put his name on the birth certificate and immediately inform the Department of Family Services (the hospital where you give birth can help you do this) so you & baby can get and public assistance you need, and they can get child support from him.

Get WIC, too. You're probably eligible already.

And go enjoy the best relationship ever: parenting!

The only thing you owe to others is to behave with integrity.
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#5 of 17 Old 01-16-2009, 03:44 PM
 
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This man is causing you a lot of stress which is not good for you or your unborn child. He can hardly be worried about what is best for the baby. Why would the added presence of loving grandparents be harmful? For the sake of your health do not have anymore contact with him then necessary both before and after the baby is born. He has made it clear how he feels about the pregnancy. Document document documed. And give yourself some time to decide what decision is best for you and the child no one can tell you how everything is going to turn out. Search you heart and make whatever leap is right for you knowing that everything will work out in the end.
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#6 of 17 Old 01-16-2009, 03:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I definitely want to keep this baby he just keeps trying to brainwash me into thinking that i would mess up this babys life if i dont give him up for adoption. I try to force myself to just ignore his text messages but it eats away at me if i dont answer him back. Im trying my best to be strong and tell him that i want to keep the baby but thats when he starts raising hell and calling me and telling me basically that im dumb for ever thinking about wanting to keep this baby. He makes me feel so small when im talking to him and hes putting me down. Ive had others tell me that he is just a coward and doesnt want to take responsibility for what he helped make. He calls our un-born baby a ''thing'' it really hurts my feelings. Im almost to the point where im going to just tell him off because i cant take much more of him.
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#7 of 17 Old 01-16-2009, 04:37 PM
 
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Don't tell him off. Just stop all contact. Block him from your phone. Really, don't give him the opportunity to cause you stress.
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#8 of 17 Old 01-19-2009, 12:39 AM
 
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Oh sweetie! I think that you need to stop talking to him right away. I know how hard this is for you, and how hard it is when you are under pressure. When I first found out I was pregnant the father almost covinced me to terminate even though it is not something that I believe in, I also told him that I would give the baby up for adoption (although he thought that would make me an awful mom - but abortion wouldn't.. that's another story though) What I had to do to make my decision was stop talking to him. I needed time to figure out what I thought was right, and I decided to keep my baby. There is nothing wrong with living with your parents and having this baby. I can tell by your posting that you want this baby and that you would be very distraught if you made a decision based on what he wants. This is going to all work out. Live your life, find some friends or family that will support you and cut off ties with this a-hole until after the baby is born and you are settled in. He may just be stressed right now, scared to death, and although that is no excuse for treating you this way he may eventually come around but I would not even give him that opportunity until you have given birth and had the baby for awhile. Good luck!
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#9 of 17 Old 01-19-2009, 08:43 AM
 
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Why are you still communicating with your ex? Clearly, he's not going to stop being verbally abusive.

Refuse to talk to him. If he calls, let the voicemail pick it up. If he leaves one of his tirades on the voicemail, he will have given you usable proof of his abuse for the courts should you decide to pursue a restraining order.

There really is no reason for you to talk to him. When the baby is born, leave him a message (not right after birth, when you have had a chance to recover a little) that the baby is here.

And when you file for child support, the courts will order a paternity test to establish paternity.

And if you are thinking of not filing for child support, well, if you file for public assistance (which is likely given that you don't have a job), you don't have a choice.

Good luck and don't let him bully you into making a choice that you can't live with.
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#10 of 17 Old 01-19-2009, 09:03 AM
 
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Obviously you want to keep your baby. If I were you I would end all communication with him for the rest of the pregnancy. There is nothing wrong with living with your parents. Don't let him bully you and ruin the rest of your pregnancy. Good luck!
:

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Refuse to talk to him. If he calls, let the voicemail pick it up. If he leaves one of his tirades on the voicemail, he will have given you usable proof of his abuse for the courts should you decide to pursue a restraining order.
Absolutely keep a record of his messages if you keep the same phone number. Document these things.

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Originally Posted by pixie_glitter View Post
He also told me that he will kill himself if i decide to keep him because he could never live with that guilt of knowing he was being raised in a home where i still lived with my parents.
This is a threat to manipulate you into doing what HE wants you to do. IF he chooses to kill himself, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT OR YOUR RESPONSIBLITY. Not yelling, caps are for emphasis. HE would be responsible for making a decision to take his own life and he should not try to blame you for any actions he might choose to take.

If you are able, change you phone number, cut off communication with him for now. I agree with the previous posters that all this stress is not good for your health or the baby's health.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It must be so hard.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." -Plato
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#11 of 17 Old 01-19-2009, 09:21 AM
 
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Change your cell number and cut off contact with him. He is a toxic person who is going to make both you and your child miserable.

 
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#12 of 17 Old 01-19-2009, 12:44 PM
 
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please contact your local domestic violence office and go talk to them. it will help you get good perspective of your situation and will help you how to proceed forth.

he just wants to get out of paying CS.

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#13 of 17 Old 01-19-2009, 12:50 PM
 
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Yes. Stop talking to him, period. Put his name on the birth certificate and immediately inform the Department of Family Services (the hospital where you give birth can help you do this) so you & baby can get and public assistance you need, and they can get child support from him.
Agree with this & other previous posts completely.

He was just as responsible for the conception of your child as you were. If he doesn't want you or the baby in his life, and is going to treat you like this, get him OUT of your life. If you apply for social assistance, they will MAKE ex pay child support if he can. That should be the only thing you accept from him unless one day down the road he starts showing some respect for you & your child. My best friend went through almost an identical situation, and I didn't have the heart to speak this frankly to her. She let her baby's father walk all over her and come in and out of the child's life. Luckily this was all before the baby's 1st birthday so hopefully she won't remember it. Hopefully.
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#14 of 17 Old 01-19-2009, 12:52 PM
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It sounds to me like the ones you need to be talking to are your parents, not this guy. Also like it'd be a good idea to forget about men until you're able to stand on your own feet more and not be so vulnerable to being talked into things.

Your parents are going to be helping you raise this child, from the sounds of it, so they're the ones you need to talk with about plans for your future as a mother. If they can be supportive and helpful, and give you room to grow up, then great. If not, then you need to start going around to the social-service organizations and learning to do whatever you have to in order to get out and be independent.

You also need to go get a job, even if it's something temporary. You're physically able to work now (I assume) and there's no little one to take care of yet. The baby will need all sorts of things, and someone's going to have to pay for them. It can't be all on your parents. You need to be saving money now.

You're coming here wanting validation, and wanting to hear agreement that this guy is terrible and being awful to you, but my question is more about you: Why are you still in contact with him? You can handle everything you need to handle through lawyers when it's time.
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#15 of 17 Old 01-19-2009, 02:16 PM
 
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Stop thinking about adoption. You've made your decision. You're only agonizing about it so that you can please other people...your ex and this friend of your cousins. Stop it. YOU'VE MADE YOUR DECISION.

Now, start taking care of your family. Being a mom is hard, but wonderful. I hope you listen to everyone here and stop talking to this guy. Stop trying to be a people pleaser. You can't think like a child anymore. You have to look out for YOU now and your baby, who will be here before you know it.

Forget about him...you've made YOUR decision and it's final. You absolutely have that right. You have the right to not be perfect. You have the right to decide what's best for you and the baby. You have the right and the responsibility to make decisions that don't please other people. Stop thinking about adoption and start thinking about the logistics of what's coming, such as schooling, daycare, job, finding and lining up resources. Thinking about adoption is just putting all of this other stuff off and it really needs to be planned out and dealt with.

You can do this. Women do this all the time.

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#16 of 17 Old 01-19-2009, 04:48 PM
 
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"And if you are thinking of not filing for child support, well, if you file for public assistance (which is likely given that you don't have a job), you don't have a choice."

This isn't totally true. Document EVERYTHING. I went to the Domestic Violence unit in social services, and I got a waiver for pursuing child support. I was directed to go there by a local counseling agency where I went during my pregnancy. I'm not totally sure of your relationship with your baby's father, but in my case I also had a police report from a domestic incident and that, along with answering a few questions about him, was all I needed to keep the state (I'm in NY, not sure if that makes a difference) from going after him for the money. My case worker told me that as long as I'm in counseling, I can get temporary assistance without worrying about the job search. The only thing that sucks about this is that the waiver was only good for about 3-4 months, and I'm due back to update it next month. I'm just not sure how it works at that point, but with luck the state won't push me to pursue child support.

When my baby was born, he wasn't listed on the birth certificate, either. I cut off all contact with him about halfway through my pregnancy (per an attorney's advice). And he stopped calling right after she was born. I couldn't be happier. Granted, it's hard as hell being a single parent to an infant, but it sounds like you have your family right there to help you. You need as much support as you can get.

Good luck, honey! And don't give your baby up because he's insecure about it. You said you love your baby, and that won't ever change. Be strong.
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#17 of 17 Old 01-20-2009, 12:33 AM
 
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You can do this! Stay strong. I am pregnant as well (30 weeks; and I have an 18month old) and dealing with a seriously manipulative man as well. It is so hard, especially with the hormones and all. I'm new to MDC, but...if you need anything, let me know!

~Wiksty
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