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#1 of 134 Old 02-01-2009, 10:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Happy February!!!



I loved how active the thread got in January, you ladies are busy


I have been following all of your stories, and hope that this month brings the best of everything to each of you

I am still with bf, I am (but I tested early) I have also decided NOT to ttc at this time. My intuition keeps screaming at me, and now I am listening, so it is with much sadness, but I don't feel right ignoring my intuition. I have actually been ignoring it quite a bit in these last few weeks, not smart I know, but sometimes if you get attached to outcomes, it is easy to fall into that trap.

I think I am having cold feet about EVERYTHING because things happened so fast, maybe it is just PMS, I just can't take that chance. I need to explore my feelings about things.

I am going to talk to bf about my newly faced feelings, that is all I can do, be honest, and humble.

Anyway, enough about me How is everyone doing so far?

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#2 of 134 Old 02-01-2009, 10:47 PM
 
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Hey,
I'm a lurker here. I'm a 22 year old single mom to two preschool aged girls. I split up with my xh in 07, and two months ago started seeing a guy. I'm hoping you guys can help since you seem to have good dating advice
Since the very start he has been very intensely into me, constantly saying I'm the most beautiful girl in the world, how we're perfect for each other, which was very nice at first but is getting to be too much now. Last week he grabbed my face and said "I love you, this is fate we're together.. etc." I just blushed and didn't really respond since I don't feel the same way about him. Then he wrote me two long messages saying the same thing, and how he went through a deep depression after his last break up. I told him that I want to slow things down. Last night I went to see his band play and the whole night he had his arms around me, and he was staring at my face the whole time, telling me how he was so worried that I was going to break up with him and how he couldn't sleep because he was so worried about it.
He kept grabbing my face and saying "Look at me, we have a good thing. Don't give up on us, I know you don't want to." It just made me very uncomfortable.
The other things that make me wonder about this relationship is that he's 25 and living in his parents' basement. He doesn't work all winter, so he spends all his time waiting on myspace for me to message him or plays video games. And one time when we were drinking he was pulling my head back by grabbing my hair and then he said "Do you like to be choked?" And grabbed my throat. I told him to stop and he said he wouldn't do it again. But my xh was abusive, so that really freaked me out.
What do you think? In some ways, he is a nice guy, always complimenting me, but there just seems something not quite right about him. I don't have any girl friends to talk to about this, so I don't even know what's normal or not. Thanks for any advice
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#3 of 134 Old 02-01-2009, 10:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Artlover86 View Post
Hey,
I'm a lurker here. I'm a 22 year old single mom to two preschool aged girls. I split up with my xh in 07, and two months ago started seeing a guy. I'm hoping you guys can help since you seem to have good dating advice
Since the very start he has been very intensely into me, constantly saying I'm the most beautiful girl in the world, how we're perfect for each other, which was very nice at first but is getting to be too much now. Last week he grabbed my face and said "I love you, this is fate we're together.. etc." I just blushed and didn't really respond since I don't feel the same way about him. Then he wrote me two long messages saying the same thing, and how he went through a deep depression after his last break up. I told him that I want to slow things down. Last night I went to see his band play and the whole night he had his arms around me, and he was staring at my face the whole time, telling me how he was so worried that I was going to break up with him and how he couldn't sleep because he was so worried about it.
He kept grabbing my face and saying "Look at me, we have a good thing. Don't give up on us, I know you don't want to." It just made me very uncomfortable.
The other things that make me wonder about this relationship is that he's 25 and living in his parents' basement. He doesn't work all winter, so he spends all his time waiting on myspace for me to message him or plays video games. And one time when we were drinking he was pulling my head back by grabbing my hair and then he said "Do you like to be choked?" And grabbed my throat. I told him to stop and he said he wouldn't do it again. But my xh was abusive, so that really freaked me out.
What do you think? In some ways, he is a nice guy, always complimenting me, but there just seems something not quite right about him. I don't have any girl friends to talk to about this, so I don't even know what's normal or not. Thanks for any advice
Hey there Welcome !!

I understand what you are saying.I am having a similar situation with bf, but I do return his feelings, but I know exactly what you mean by your post. I have had that exact experience with men in the past.

I want to be adored, but not in an imbalanced way. It sounds like your man might be a little bit of a love addict. I am beginning to think my bf has a touch of that. (by 'love addict' I am referring to Melody Pia's recovery work around facing love addiction. Google it, it is an interesting way to look at certain behaviors)

I think that unless he looks into his neediness, and panicky feelings when he thinks his relationship might be ending (panicky feelings are what an addict faces when someone is taking away their "fix") then things don't have a chance of really working out. That is not what a healthy relationship consists of. I am going out on a limb by telling you that, take it or leave it, it was just what went through my head as I read your post

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#4 of 134 Old 02-01-2009, 11:01 PM
 
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Artlover - way too many red flags, your gut is telling you to cut off this relationship, now, while it's very new and still relatively easy (and you're not head over heels).

From what you've written, this relationship has controlling/abusive warning signs all over it. Esp given your history. Sorry you're in this position, and hope things work out.
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#5 of 134 Old 02-01-2009, 11:17 PM
 
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Artlover, if you don't feel the same way I really think you need to break it off. He seems WAY too attached, I mean.. sometimes that happens but if it's one sided, eeek. Grabbing you so much? Eek, also kind of scary. Just gives me shivers thinking about it.

BelovedK, are you alright? Having second thoughts about the whole relationship... or? Don't need to answer if you don't want to (of course).

Anyway, no updates here. All is well in the world of me and my lovely boy.
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#6 of 134 Old 02-01-2009, 11:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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BelovedK, are you alright? Having second thoughts about the whole relationship... or? Don't need to answer if you don't want to (of course).
I had a minor panic attack yesterday when I realized how fast all of this has been. It has felt right, but there also has been a huge piece that I have been effectively ignoring. I am just taking a step back to consider things. So, yes second thoughts. That doesn't mean I am ending it, I just have to be true to myself.

It is interesting that Artlover86 posted what she did, I am trying to put words to what I am thinking/feeling and have been having a difficult time....It is almost like he adores me too much. He treats me better than anyone I have ever dated, hands down though. I don't know whether my second thoughts are about the fact that I might not feel i 'deserve' to be treated so kindly and respectfully. He does not "grope' me or do anything creepy, but....I don't know... Food for thought it is.

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#7 of 134 Old 02-01-2009, 11:31 PM
 
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I am just taking a step back to consider things. So, yes second thoughts. That doesn't mean I am ending it, I just have to be true to myself.
2nd thoughts are a bad thing, especially if you are using them productively, as you are.

Most of the time when I had 2nd thoughts in the beginning of my relationship, it had more to do with me than him.

It is good to step back and give yourself some time to process everything inside you.
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#8 of 134 Old 02-01-2009, 11:36 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Artlover86 View Post
Hey,
I'm a lurker here. I'm a 22 year old single mom to two preschool aged girls. I split up with my xh in 07, and two months ago started seeing a guy. I'm hoping you guys can help since you seem to have good dating advice
Since the very start he has been very intensely into me, constantly saying I'm the most beautiful girl in the world, how we're perfect for each other, which was very nice at first but is getting to be too much now. Last week he grabbed my face and said "I love you, this is fate we're together.. etc." I just blushed and didn't really respond since I don't feel the same way about him. Then he wrote me two long messages saying the same thing, and how he went through a deep depression after his last break up. I told him that I want to slow things down. Last night I went to see his band play and the whole night he had his arms around me, and he was staring at my face the whole time, telling me how he was so worried that I was going to break up with him and how he couldn't sleep because he was so worried about it.
He kept grabbing my face and saying "Look at me, we have a good thing. Don't give up on us, I know you don't want to." It just made me very uncomfortable.
The other things that make me wonder about this relationship is that he's 25 and living in his parents' basement. He doesn't work all winter, so he spends all his time waiting on myspace for me to message him or plays video games. And one time when we were drinking he was pulling my head back by grabbing my hair and then he said "Do you like to be choked?" And grabbed my throat. I told him to stop and he said he wouldn't do it again. But my xh was abusive, so that really freaked me out.
What do you think? In some ways, he is a nice guy, always complimenting me, but there just seems something not quite right about him. I don't have any girl friends to talk to about this, so I don't even know what's normal or not. Thanks for any advice
Talk about EXTREME codependency bordering on abuse potential. Yuck, yuck, yuck!

Be very, very careful.
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#9 of 134 Old 02-01-2009, 11:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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2nd thoughts are a bad thing, especially if you are using them productively, as you are.

Most of the time when I had 2nd thoughts in the beginning of my relationship, it had more to do with me than him.

It is good to step back and give yourself some time to process everything inside you.
Yeah, It' is definitely me, not him. He is great, I might feel stupid for questioning things, but I just have had past experience with ignoring intuition and it is never good

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#10 of 134 Old 02-01-2009, 11:49 PM
 
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February 9 is bf and I's one year anniversary!!! :

My mom is coming down the weekend following 2/9, which happens to also be Valentine's Day weekend, to stay with ds. We are going to spend 3 days/2 nights in SF to celebrate both our anniversary and Valentine's Day. We got an awesome room at the brand-new Intercontinental, we are going to hit some museums (I have lived here for 1.5 years and still have yet to visit any museums in SF ), bf is planning a special Valentine's dinner for Saturday night, and on Sunday, we will spend the rest of the weekend at the beach!

Seriously, I have never loved another man as truly, honestly and healthily (I don't even think that is a word ) in my entire 35 years.

The man challenges me in ways I never would have expected. I have truly learned to enjoy and be very present in every single moment we have had. He has really helped me, unbeknownst to him, to be the person I am striving to become. He is so amazing, I just wish he knew how amazing he is. He's working on it.

I am just so ridiculously and utterly in love with this man, but without my typical co-dependent attachments and expectations. :

At the same time though, if the relationship were to end tomorrow, I would feel so incredibly blessed and thankful to have just had this time and growth with him.

Ok, I am done gushing.
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#11 of 134 Old 02-01-2009, 11:52 PM
 
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I might feel stupid for questioning things, but I just have had past experience with ignoring intuition and it is never good
Don't feel stupid for questioning things. Just because he is a great guy, doesn't mean that you can't question things... kwim? We all have moments of questioning... it is just a matter of what we do with those moments.

It is great to hear that you are learning from your past experiences. You have really, really grown, Kelly! It is strange to say this, as I have never met you... but, I am so proud (and incredibly impressed) of you!
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#12 of 134 Old 02-02-2009, 12:22 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Holland Thank you

Congrats on your 1st year anniversary That sounds like so much fun, I am glad you will be able to celebrate in a big way. Your mom sounds awesome !!

( didn't mean to say that I felt stupid for questioning I read back and can see why it looks that way, I meant that i MIGHT feel stupid, but I don't because I know it is the healthy thing to do )

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#13 of 134 Old 02-02-2009, 03:06 AM
 
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Hi there, I've posted on the Single Parenting board but never in the dating thread, so hello!

Artlover - this might sound shallow, but the fact that he is 25 and living in his parents' basement is not a good sign (on top of the other red flags). Is he contributing financially to the household there? If this were to get serious, would he be able to suddenly grow up and become a responsible member of your household? I don't mean to be such a downer ...

As for me, I've been dating a great guy for three months now. He is absolutely great with DD (I know it is soon for her to meet him, but there isn't much of a way for us to hang out without her.) and is all around a fabulous person. Plus, he seems to be more into AP than I am even! - his parents coslept until he was three, and when he heard about my stepmother saying how DD is manipulating me at 11 months, he said "is something wrong with her?"

DD 2/08
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#14 of 134 Old 02-02-2009, 05:00 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Artlover86 View Post
Hey,
I'm a lurker here. I'm a 22 year old single mom to two preschool aged girls. I split up with my xh in 07, and two months ago started seeing a guy. I'm hoping you guys can help since you seem to have good dating advice
Since the very start he has been very intensely into me, constantly saying I'm the most beautiful girl in the world, how we're perfect for each other, which was very nice at first but is getting to be too much now. Last week he grabbed my face and said "I love you, this is fate we're together.. etc." I just blushed and didn't really respond since I don't feel the same way about him. Then he wrote me two long messages saying the same thing, and how he went through a deep depression after his last break up. I told him that I want to slow things down. Last night I went to see his band play and the whole night he had his arms around me, and he was staring at my face the whole time, telling me how he was so worried that I was going to break up with him and how he couldn't sleep because he was so worried about it.
He kept grabbing my face and saying "Look at me, we have a good thing. Don't give up on us, I know you don't want to." It just made me very uncomfortable.
The other things that make me wonder about this relationship is that he's 25 and living in his parents' basement. He doesn't work all winter, so he spends all his time waiting on myspace for me to message him or plays video games. And one time when we were drinking he was pulling my head back by grabbing my hair and then he said "Do you like to be choked?" And grabbed my throat. I told him to stop and he said he wouldn't do it again. But my xh was abusive, so that really freaked me out.
What do you think? In some ways, he is a nice guy, always complimenting me, but there just seems something not quite right about him. I don't have any girl friends to talk to about this, so I don't even know what's normal or not. Thanks for any advice
Just a few thoughts. If he doesn't work in the winter time, how is he contributing to his parents home financially? -If he isn't contributing anything, I think that says something bad about him. And how is he going to help support your family (in the future), if he doesn't work for 6 months? He sounds really immature -to be happy not working all winter (WHAT THE HECK?!) and staying home playing video games -that's not a man! :
The choking comment scared me just reading it....I would definately bring that up with him, is he into violent sex or something??
Acting overly into you would make most of us feel uncomfortable, I don't know if that is a red flag or not though. The last guy I dated was like that too, so I definately know what you're talking about. I kind of thought maybe it's just because that person is really insecure and used to having people dump him? So he's afraid of losing you. I don't really see how that is such a bad thing.

Seie Read your post in the other thread, glad things went will with your "talk" It made me giggle when you said you have already talked about what your first born's name is going to be! That's really sweet though, and good to know if he wants kids since you know you want another some day, and get his views of parenting stuff etc.

Holland73Congrats on your upcoming anniversay! Sounds like you have a wonderful getaway planned!
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#15 of 134 Old 02-02-2009, 05:53 AM
 
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Holland: Congrats on the anniversary Your guy sounds like mine - except we havent known eachother for that long yet. You sound really happy

Artlover: I agree with the others - doesnt sound healthy to me I could never truely respect a guy if he didnt have a life of his own - if it was all about me. Sounds like your guy has some selfesteem issues. I hope you find out what you want to do.

Beloved: I have always pushed away men who were really into me. I believe I somehow always thought - if they are that into ME - then they cant be all that interesting after all - guess the subconsious reasoning has been that a really interesting guy would pick a more interesting girl than me .. Luckily it seems I am realising finally that I AM a very interesting girl I hope you figure it all out Your guy does sound great - and hey - maybe he is just really in love with you And there is really nothing more to it?

Butterflymom: How are you doing? You havent been posting much about yourself recently. Thinking about you

To those who didnt read my last january post then I am really really happy. My guy is the sweetest man I ever met - I really feel this is probably the most serious crush I have ever had - it all feels so right. I am not over my insecurities about him though. There are some things about his history that worries me slightly. One being that he has been taking some very serious blows in the past years - emotionally. I am doubting how serious he dares get - emotionally. It is something we have talked about and he actually didnt imagine getting so emotionally involved again after all he has been through, but he sees me as the "exception". I feel very flattered about that, and he has really done everything to prove that he means business. He has also told me however that he will never marry again. Thats not quite good enough for me in the long run, but until further notice I will give him the benefit of the doubt, as I really believe he will come around on that issue eventually - he is already coming around on other issues. Such as the thing about kids. He had said he didnt think he would dare have kids again as he has lost two children now, (no contact for two years) and is afraid to go through something similar again. However last time we were together we talked about future children so he is coming around slowly on that issue. Also we are in no hurry - none of that stuff is going to happen anytime soon anyway. Im "only" 31 so there is no rush with reproduction right now.. But I guess I am at a point where I need to consider those things to have an idea where we are heading. We do seem to be moving in the exact same direction though - just in different paces..
All in all he is the most amazingly beautiful person I have met - compassionate, intelligent, tender, loving, respectfull to others, forgiving and much much more. And he looks at me with a devotion that noone ever has before I feel very lucky to experience all of this

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#16 of 134 Old 02-02-2009, 08:53 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Seie, that is wonderful!! I was keeping up with you in the other thread and it really sounds like you have a good thing going

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#17 of 134 Old 02-02-2009, 12:02 PM
 
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Beloved - It is wise to take time and go within to figure this out. I'll send you lots of love.

Artlover - Run!

Holland - You know I am so happy for you!

tripleaces, MariesMama & seie -
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#18 of 134 Old 02-02-2009, 06:07 PM
 
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MCA tellin in like it is... I would vote run, too, Artlover (and..welcome!). The key is also that you aren't feeling intensely for him in return...I dated a 25 year old guy who barely worked and he had so many issues...i couldn't deal with it on top of everything else, and I also didn't feel like he was a good role model for my kids. The choking thing would be a deal breaker for me, but only because i have been choked in anger by a man...some people think it's fun though?

Holland i love that one year...so awesome. And Beloved, that initial ush of things always seems to lead to more introspection, yes? It's so fun to be in the first throng of love, and from that point on, it seems like a process of how to make your beliefs coincide with the real world. Trust your instincts for sure, and i do feel how hard it is to figure out what those instincts are. Keep the faith going, i know you'll figure it out. This introspection thing sucks sometimes but is well worth it IMO

I can relate to this subject too, of being loved/adored yet not wanting to feel it's imbalanced or scary. My bf has brought up to me that past girlfriends have considered him "needy", as he's very emotionally open and can be very intense. I have actually relished having a man who will speak of unspeakable things with me, that gets worried and is open about it; it has taught me to pay more attention to the fine things that we can do to be considerate to each other.

I used to think it was 'controlling' if he wanted me to call when i got home, or wanted to make sure i was okay if we were somewhere together. That was my past issues creeping up after having been with a partner who didn't want me to be 'on my own', kept me isolated and unhappy, didn't have consideration himself...I would say it's so individual, and we can be in tune with others' issues.

We are very far away from each other as well, and trying to come to terms with possibilities of what will happen if we can't be physically together, have a custody hearing on the 11th that will decide that. My bf is needing reassurance that everything will be ok, and all i can do is go back to the faith and belief in love. I truly believe this man has prevailed to be a most kind, productive, and loving force throughout my life (we started dating when i was 19, then i left for college).

Sometimes the "I'm scared you're going to leave" thing is a good indicator that there's discussion needed...although it's not always possible to feel fully confident in a relationship...if the true feeling was there, wouldn't you sense it? Though we're all prone to insecurity sometimes...
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#19 of 134 Old 02-02-2009, 07:23 PM
 
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I wont be seeing my love next weekend. I thought we would but appearently it isn't as importent to him as to me? I CANNOT understand the way he doesnt need to see me all the time. It just boosts any insecurity or doubt however small. Based on my past insecurities and how he keeps shooting them down I am prone to believe we are just different. It just hurts anyway I miss him horribly. Another two weeks without him is almost unbearable. I guess some would consider me needy. And that is despite I DO feel comfortable in my own company, I do feel comfy alone with the kids, I do respect myself and have selfesteem. I just wanna see him bad. I long for him and cannot get my head around why he isnt feeling the same way, if he is as serious as he signals when we are together. And not just with words. Every part of his body tells me he means business. Then howcome he is so patient. ITs driving me nuts

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#20 of 134 Old 02-02-2009, 08:10 PM
 
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I wont be seeing my love next weekend. I thought we would but appearently it isn't as importent to him as to me? I CANNOT understand the way he doesnt need to see me all the time. It just boosts any insecurity or doubt however small. Based on my past insecurities and how he keeps shooting them down I am prone to believe we are just different. It just hurts anyway I miss him horribly. Another two weeks without him is almost unbearable. I guess some would consider me needy. And that is despite I DO feel comfortable in my own company, I do feel comfy alone with the kids, I do respect myself and have selfesteem. I just wanna see him bad. I long for him and cannot get my head around why he isnt feeling the same way, if he is as serious as he signals when we are together. And not just with words. Every part of his body tells me he means business. Then howcome he is so patient. ITs driving me nuts
Ok, I am going to be very honest... you need your own life. It is great that you feel comfortable in your own company and alone with your kids, but apparently you are needing/wanting something more. You cannot expect this man (or any man for that matter) to fulfill all of your needs, all of the time.

He appears to have a very full, busy life outside your relationship, which is a good thing, but I fear that if you do not find a full, busy life of your own outside of your relationship, it is only going to lead you to more anxiety and frustration.

You need to find something (a hobby, a group of friends, a personal goal, etc.) just for you.

My bf works 7 days a week... 7 long, emotionally draining (he is a psychiatrist working with addicts) days a week. Mon-Fri, I see him 2-3 nights, but typically he comes over between 10-11pm and is practically asleep on his feet. On the weekends, Saturday nights are our night. Again, he doesn't come over until 7-8pm, we have dinner and play with ds and then have about 1-2 hours of alone time. Again, he is still exhausted. We don't get a lot of time together.

I know that he wants to be with me (and ds) more, but the current circumstances do not allow it. It has been like this for almost a year now. Honestly, though, I just enjoy every single amazing minute I do have with him, even if we are just sleeping together or those cuddly, sweet moments at 4:30am where he is getting ready to leave for the day.

What keeps me happy in my relationship is that I also have a busy, fulfilling life of my own. I knit, I am starting to train for a race, my job is very fulfilling and pleasantly time-consuming, I have friends that I spend time with, etc.

If I didn't have my own busy, fulfilling life, I would be feeling exactly how you are feeling now, which for me, would feel very co-dependent and I positively refuse to walk the codependent road again in a relationship.

From what you have written about this man, it doesn't sound as though he doesn't want to spend time with you... he just sounds a lot more balanced in maintaining his own life, career, etc and his relationship. Plus, you two haven't been together for very long... give it some time. Try to enjoy and truly live in every moment that you do have with him.
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#21 of 134 Old 02-02-2009, 08:11 PM
 
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Seie...

I dated a very busy man and we were lucky if we could get together one time per week...and sometimes the ONLY way we could get together was if we met for a quick lunch on his work lunch break during the week.

There were moments when it seemed impossible to wait another 5 or 6 days, because we both intensely and equally loved being together. But, we really made the best of it and it was sometimes fun to really enjoy the anticipation of being together (something you just don't get to do when you're seeing each other more frequently).

When I was dating him, I was very secure, had a very busy life myself, etc. There were a few times when I felt I need to 'push' to get together...but it never worked and I always ended up recognizing that I was allowing my insecurities to surface. When it happened, I'd just realize that I have a full life...it was full before we met, it was full with him in it and I knew it would be a full life when it ended too.

Instead of focusing so much on what I wanted and wasn't having, I really just enjoyed what we did have. It helped me be more present when we were together, it helped me appreciate our time, like a precious gift, instead of taking it for granted like I've done in the past.

We did make the most of our time apart and spent hours upon hours talking on the phone and really connecting. We also connected a lot during the day in fun emails, so that helped too. If I was really missing him or wanting to be with him, I'd spend some time writing him an especially interesting email, I'd think of something nice or start to plan something special for him, etc. It took the focus off what I didn't have and helped me put it back on what I did have and made it all so much better.

I know it's difficult. Even in the strongest parts of our lives, we can still feel insecure. Whatever you can do to get yourself through it will help you be an even stronger and whole person, it will increase the strength of your relationship and it will be easier in the meantime too.
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#22 of 134 Old 02-02-2009, 09:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Seie, I think MCA and Holland spoke the truth. From what you've written, it sounds like he loves you very much and may be just so busy and overwhelmed that time flies by for him more than for you.

Mountain, I do think the question of whether bf is "needy " or "controlling" is alot of what is bothering me. I know he loves me very much, but am wondering if it is healthy. It is like I am the one who is so busy, and he plays the role of the one who needs me to be around more often. FTR, I AM around every day, and I like it for the most part. It has been lately that other things have been bothering me that I wonder if I will ever be able to get the space I need. I talked to him today. He got a bit panicky when I told him that I was having confusion about *everything* including the relationship. He told me that space was a good thing "as long as things were cool between us" That gave me cause for concern. I asked him what would happen IF I told him there was a problem for me in staying together? (not what I was saying, but...) He said that we would cross that bridge if we got to it. I liked that answer. I am not an easy one to be in a relationship if you are unconscious about things because I WILL bring things up honestly, even if it is uncomfortable, I just think honesty is the only way to go and it brings me great comfort to know that things will be ok as long as I am honest.

I told him about wanting to put things off until I had some space to figure out other things. I am going through a pretty large "life crisis" in which I am questioning EVERYTHING in my life including my career and where I am living, AND my relationship. I have reason to believe that bf and I will be ok, I just need this time to see if it is healthy and strong enough.

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
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#23 of 134 Old 02-02-2009, 10:41 PM
 
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Holland, sounds awesome. Valentine's weekend - what fun!

Speaking of Valentines, are you guys getting your guys anything?

BelovedK, good luck in figuring things out. I think sometimes taking time out to reflect a bit is good, I hope you find the answers you're seeking.

I guess in Seie's situation I understand about being okay alone and all that but I also get how sometimes things can be very consuming. I think as long as it isn't negatively impacting your life, longing to be around the person you love can be a wonderful thing (well, you know... and hard). I've been a little bit afraid of getting too caught up in it all that I went to a mommy's meetup yesterday with the kids and am trying to build up more of a network for myself, as well... but I still couldn't bear 2 weeks away, I think it would be very very hard, so I get that, too. I dunno.
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#24 of 134 Old 02-02-2009, 11:20 PM
 
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Originally Posted by tripleaces View Post
I've been a little bit afraid of getting too caught up in it all that I went to a mommy's meetup yesterday with the kids and am trying to build up more of a network for myself, as well... but I still couldn't bear 2 weeks away, I think it would be very very hard, so I get that, too. I dunno.
Good for you!

I don't think I would say that I "couldn't bear" 2 weeks away from bf. It would suck and I would be missin' him BIG time, but at the same time, it is not as though I wouldn't be seeing him again soon anyway. Ya know?

Absence is sometimes a good thing. Some of my favorite moments with my bf are when we connect after having been separated for awhile.

Additionally, thanks to technology, you are never really 'away' as we have phones, internet, etc.
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#25 of 134 Old 02-03-2009, 11:14 AM
 
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Thanks for all the replies.
He showed up unannounced yesterday around 11. I told him I didn't want to talk about whether we were going to breakup or not around my kids, but I also was scared to talk to him alone (when I broke up with my xh he tried to kill me) so he ended up sobbing on my shoulder and talking to me for the next three and a half hours with my girls right there. I feel really bad, he seems heartbroken, but I just don't know what to do. He was telling me how he contemplated suicide after his last breakups. I think he has really low self esteem- on his myspace now he posted a bulletin saying "I should have known no one could like a piece of ugly worthless crap like me". Ugh, it just makes me feel horrible. I hate hurting people. He's a really nice guy, we had a lot of good times together, but he just has a lot of issues. Should I give him another try?
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#26 of 134 Old 02-03-2009, 11:30 AM
 
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. Should I give him another try?
No.

I understand being empathetic to someone who is hurting, but he has to go through this on his own. He felt that way BEFORE he met you, he felt that way WHILE he was with you, he feels this way now without you. It is about him.

I dated someone, very controlling, who used threats of suicide and other emotional things to get me to stay. It worked for awhile, but I see so clearly, how it was a form of control abuse.
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#27 of 134 Old 02-03-2009, 12:02 PM
 
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Artlover, No no no no no!!!! This guy has issues he needs to work out, it is NOT your responsibility and he is NOT ready for a relationship. You going back into this relationship for the wrong reasons is just *scary*. He didn't even keep to your boundaries of not wanting to talk about it with the kids there. Ugh, just... no.
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#28 of 134 Old 02-03-2009, 12:13 PM
 
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No. You do not have any responsibility for his life. I can understand wanting to be empathetic, but it is a form of emotional abuse to threaten suicide like that. It will leave you emotionally blackmailed either way.

Honestly, I've had guys say this to me, and it was the end. How can you be in a relationship with someone you're bound to because you're afraid they might kill themselves? It's way too much pressure.

I do believe that we can be empathetic, maybe send him a message reiterating your position, ask him to seek help/counseling/friends...please don't let him come to your house again, you know this.
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#29 of 134 Old 02-03-2009, 12:22 PM
 
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*
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#30 of 134 Old 02-03-2009, 01:27 PM
 
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Thanks girls -that was a well put kick in my behind. Especially Holland and MCA - thanks - I am sure you are hitting the head of the nail. I do need more of a life of my own. Yes - I am comfy in my kids company, but that is about all the company I have when I am at home. After I left my ex I moved to a different town and am starting completely over again. I have a friend who lives close and we do see a lot of eachother. I usually have hobbies - obsessions rather - that frequently change - its just hard to find time and energy to do much as I work half time too and we get home pretty late in the afternoon. I also believe you are right about his life. He has a carreer that is importent to him, he studies on the side and is generally a very balanced person - and he has said on more than one occation that time just seems to fly by - that the weeks pass very quickly - whereas for me the weeks seem long and I am counting friday to friday when I get to see him. Guess I should put some energy into getting the best of my days. I actually think he likes that too - to know that I have passions and hobbies.
I wrote him a long letter yesterday about insecurities - and luckily didnt send it. As mountain writes I put it all down on paper - and when I read it I felt some of it had left my head - and reading it now a day later I do sound needy and demanding.. Sigh - guess I need to trust my intuition more - and be better to tell what part of my inner voice belongs to intuition - and what part belongs to the insecure part of me..
Thanks again - really it was just what I needed to hear!

Single mom to ds(8), dd(6) and ds(5)
 

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