Becoming a single parent-Need Support! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 04-14-2002, 08:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My daughter's father & I were engaged but after we moved in together and my daugther was born it's been straight down hill. I can't depend on him for anything he is completly inmature. We've been living together but I can't take it anymore. I'm looking for a roomate & I don't know what he's doing. I'm just worried because I have a 9 month old & I don't want to miss out on being her mom because her @#$%^&** brained dad won't grow up! He says that he doesn't know if he'll be able to help me or see her very often so I''ll just have to deal with it. And I'd really like to shove my foot up his you know what. (pardon me, I need to vent):mad: I don't know if I'm more mad that after I supported him/us for the past year (with all the money I had saved up to got to school) he doesn't care or sad that she won't have her daddy around. I don't know what to do. I can't stand the thought of being away from her. Help
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#2 of 9 Old 04-14-2002, 09:44 PM
 
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This is a really tough time for you! I'm sorry you are having to go through this, it's really scary, sad and frustrating.

You'll feel a lot better once you begin working things out, getting a plan together for your future, I promise.

Enlist the help, support and advice of good friends and family members. This has been essential for me as a single mother.

If you have specific questions or needs, please pm me. I'll be happy to lend support!

Mary
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#3 of 9 Old 04-15-2002, 01:05 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I feel really sad that I don't really have family here. I have an uncle & aunt who will have a baby at the end of this month & they'll need my help more than I need there's! Even during my pregnancy, which I was mostly alone for, the only person who was there for me was my doula. I father passed away when I was 16 and my mom lives in another continent & we don't get along.
I want to go to school sooooo bad but it seems impossible to goto school and have time for my daughter & be able to take care of us
You're right though, I need a plan.
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#4 of 9 Old 04-15-2002, 03:36 AM
 
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Ananda,
Look into financial aid and student loans. If you don't already qualify find out what it would take to be eligible. You should be able to be a full-time student without working. You can attend school for as little as 3 hours a day, 5 days a week and be considered full-time, that's not too big a chunk of time away from your daughter.
Maybe you can work out something with Aunt and Uncle as far as caretaking.
Good luck,
Mary
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#5 of 9 Old 04-15-2002, 05:06 PM
 
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Ananda,

Don't forget to work out child support. He may think that he can just walk away, but he can't unless you let him. This financial support belongs to your child and it's your responsibility to get it for her.
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#6 of 9 Old 05-17-2002, 02:46 AM
 
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Ananda,
just wanted to say hello and good luck, too bad we don't live near each other. I have an 8.5 mo old son and will soon be on my own too. His daddy cares, but wants to go halfway across the country to make it somewhere else, he will not be helping finacially in any way eiter. I have also been supporting the 3 of us and now, that's that. I am considering moving back to my parents in Germany, didn't think that would ever come up. I will write more when it is not 2 am and I got to work.
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#7 of 9 Old 05-19-2002, 02:16 PM
 
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Oh, Ananda! Been there and done that! You have your work cut out for you! And thank goodness, too! This tough time is the greatest excuse in the world to grow and truly come into your own! You can do it! You are a great mama, and that love is the only real thing. Ever!

Let the guy do his thing, you don't need that sack of potatoes baggage. Go to school! Do what you love, the rest will fall into place. I received Federal Pell Grants and finished my degree. It was tough, but we managed. So can you!

I lost most of my friends w/ the split from DD's dad (some friends, eh?) and my crazy family is far away. So I made new friends! I went out w/ DD a lot and talked to every parent I could. I allowed everybody in my classes to admire my little girl.

Go ahead! Start a new life! You already have all the tools you need. Your greatest advantage over all the other schmucks is your little girl.
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#8 of 9 Old 06-01-2002, 09:50 PM
 
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I can't tell you how much of what you all are saying rings true for my life, too. My dd's birth father and I were also engaged and living together when I got pg with her. By the time I was 2.5 months pg, it became clear that it was not going to work (amazing how almost getting hit clears that right up for you!) For the duration of the pregnancy, and well into her first year, we tried to find a way to coparent. However, he just was not ready for the responsibility for himself, much less a baby, too. When she was 9 months old, the custody papers and child support got taken care of, and when she was 10 months old, we moved to DC area to be near my mom, who had cancer. We moved for a myriad of reasons. First, I needed to have myself and dd near my mom, and she needed us, too. It might have been a harder decision to make if my ex had any real track record of showing up to visit dd, but he didn't. I felt it was the right place in our (mine and dd's) lives to be at that time.

It was hard. Not just once we moved (it actually got easier then), but from mid-pregnancy on. It was also the best thing I could have done for us all, including my ex.

I struggled and juggled our way through the first 3 years of her life, working, going to school, and attachment parenting. From a few months before she was born, until nearly 4 years later, I had a roomate who was a single mom of two. She even moved to DC to live with us after I'd been here for about 6 months, because we had become a nuclear family when we weren't looking! She was a godsend to me, and vice versa. Sure, we had problems with each other, but they were outweighed during that time by the benefits.

I had many battles over child support with my ex. Also, I still clung to the idea that he wanted to be involved in her life, and tried to foist long-distance fatherhood on him. Even though he said that's what he wanted, his actions spoke volumes to the contrary, and that's what I eventually started to listen to.

In many ways, it feels that life has come full circle. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say it has spiraled upwards, because it's a lot better. 15 months ago, I married the love of my life (literally -- he was my first boyfriend when I was 14, then again at 16, 21, and finally at 24 through now). A few months before the wedding, when she was turning 3, dd started calling him dad, and now doesn't have any memory of him not being dad. He adopted her, and he is a fantastic father, if not completely AP.

My ex has a new fiance(e?), and they seem to be doing fine. She is older, with nearly grown kids who live with their father, so the yoke of responsibility does not weigh too heavily on him. This seems to be a much better situation for him, as well.

If it sounds like I'm all forgiveness-and-light about my ex, well, I've had nearly 5 years to get there. If you do end up becoming a single parent, you will get there eventually, too. Not that I don't think he's a schmuck, mind you; I wouldn't let him anywhere near her right now. But I've gotten over my hate and my rage, and even most of my anger. All that's left is pity, because he is missing out on such a great ride, and some forgiveness, because he truly wasn't able to handle it. Not that I excuse it, but where would holding a grudge get me?

That's my journey through single parenthood in a nutshell. It was the wisest thing I did for myself and especially for dd. One thing that sticks with me when I think about my relationship with the ex, and the relationship dd never had with him, is something that my late mother said about it. She was telling a coworker that I was pregnant, and the coworker said, "Oh, I didn't know they'd gotten married."
"No," said my mom, "that's the best thing about it -- she got rid of him!"

Feel free to email me if you need any advice, or just a shoulder to cry/lean on. I have, indeed, both been there and done that.

Good luck and Namaste

scifi-convention runners Kate, DH Drew 11/07, DD Cora 12/97. We , ,
Welcome to baby Fiona with a giant omphalocele, 6/17/10!
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#9 of 9 Old 06-05-2002, 12:54 PM
 
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Corasmama,

Thanks for your post.

My husband just move out almost two weeks ago. We have a son just over 2 yrs old. Since he was born h and I have talk about spliting up. Many fights, counciling, anger, violence, he finally move out. For some reason I do not want to hate him, be angry or bitter. I just think we are not right for each other (took 15 yrs to figure that one out). We have a beautiful son and I want the best for him. To hold a grudge or create a lot of anger between h and I would only hurt ds.

Again thanks
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