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making every mistake in the book...

1K views 21 replies 11 participants last post by  SunShineSally 
#1 ·
ok i screwed up yet again...thought x and i could be civil about sharing dd's 4th bday with her tomorrow, after going back and forth about it. then ds got really sick today and x decided to bring him to my house and take care of him here (while i was working) and also help get things ready for tomorrow. seems sweet but these things usually result in resentment and conflict so i was scared, but he insisted and promised not to get resentful.

i am wiped out, feeling crappy, after being up half the night with ds sick last night. fell asleep on the couch this eve and when i woke up x is there folding my laundry; i ask him why he's doing that and tell him he doesn't need to fold my laundry, he flips out and goes on about making things festive for dd tomorrow and ends up screaming "F*** YOU" at me twice and storming out. I was left sitting here speechless in shock.

It was all a HUGE mistake, we should not be in each others homes at all and now..wow...he's done some version of this every single holiday and bday at some point...huge emotional overeactions and flip outs and in the end abandonment...it's completely crazy making.

so now, dd is expecting her daddy to be with us some of her bday and i have no idea if we'll hear from him..and if we do how do i get over him screaming "F*** YOU" at me to let him back in...or most likely he will insist on her going to his place now...what a stinking mess. i don't expect any sympathy, i set this one up...
This is why we need a divorce on file and a clear schedule where we don't see each other every single day
 
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#2 ·
I hope it works out somehow for your DD. I'm not familiar with your particular story, but I think you have your answer in what you wrote here:

Quote:
This is why we need a divorce on file and a clear schedule where we don't see each other every single day
 
#3 ·
Wow...thats tough. I hope everything worked out ok for the little ones party.

As for the X...yikes. Wtf is that all about? Its almost like he was trying to guilt trip you or something....strange...It seems like he only wants to do things to eventually spit them back in your face. He only wants ammo, so he feels like he has a reason to yell. He is only trying to justify himself, sadly at your expense. Am I wrong here?

Let us know how it all turned out.
 
#4 ·
How is your little one feeling today


Don't feel bad about making a mistake, be gentle with yourself, we all have learned from our mistakes, you can't learn unless you experience all sides of a situation. I'm sorry he yelled that ot you
 
#5 ·
muse, I've been following your story for a while. Do you know that your xh is mentally ill? It's not even close to normal, the way he behaves. Normal, sane grown men don't explode in situations like that, and don't get wound up in that way because they "want to make things festive" (folding laundry = festive? And it has to be done right then?).

You can't work with him because you're not dealing with a sane person on the other side. And there's no way you're going to be able to follow the twists and turns of his mind. I'd recommend that you not knock yourself out trying to do the impossible, and see what you can do to disengage. Is it possible for you to find a therapist locally?

I'd also recommend finding a lawyer and just going ahead and getting that divorce. I think in your case it will bring a lot of aggravation as you try to hold him to the structure the divorce sets up, but at least you'll be able to take him back to court and let them do the enforcing.
 
#6 ·
mamas...i'll be back but wanted to post really quickly to say thank you..it's so helpful to get other people's perspectives...my now 4 yr old is snuggling on my bed waiting for her big brother to wake up so we can have pressies. we will have a lovely day, despite all this, but it's hard not to be on edge. x could so easily show up at the door any minute as if nothing happened..or he could show up at her preschool today and say that he wants her for half the day..
mentally ill, no, but newly diagnosed with adhd and refusing to go into therapy for some pretty big emotional/family issues that have impacted us for years...we started mediation a couple of weeks ago and brilliant as i think the mediator is i'm refusing to go back right now because i don't trust x or that he's going to acknowledge the adhd and how it impacts me and the kids...2 days ago when we were on *good* terms he told me he wouldn't have adhd if it weren't for me....it's crazymaking.
 
#7 ·
I think Ginger has a good point. To me, it sounds like bipolar. And bipolar is very easily misdiagnosed or not diagnosed as anything at all. I was misdiagnosed as just ADD or ADD and major depression for years. But it was evident since I was very young. I can only say from this post, and I could be wrong, but those kinds of flip outs are classic signs. I could be wrong, of course. I'm just throwing out my thoughts. Best wishes for you all and happy birthday to DD!!!
 
#8 ·
muse, it doesn't matter what you call it, or what box the therapists drop it into. It comes down to wires in the brain going >bzzt< >bzzt< >snap< >bzzt< and the fact that the guy just ain't right. For our purposes, I don't think we need to get any more clinical than that. Add to that an explosive temper out of nowhere, and it's just not good. The thing where he blames you for it...yeah, it's not so nice. (I gave my ex PTSD, remember? Which is why he's going to counsel returning vets, because he can relate? Me, Iraq, same thing.) Please don't even for a moment take that one seriously ("Could he be right? Do I do something to make it worse?").

Hope your daughter has a great birthday --
 
#9 ·
He sounds like my X also. I "made him that way"
Right
I would be worried about him if he explodes over being ask not to fold someone elses laundry. I know I would never explode about that I would just say trying to help is all sorry I over stepped or something to that degree. Be safe Mama
You did not set your self up for a "man" to flip out as a Mother we tend to try to make things civil for our children when it comes to their fathers. I know I did and my own mother did but it just doesn't work. I know I would have beaten myself up if I didn't try with X and the fact he doesn't see Ds is his own falt. BUT again in his mind I MADE him do
drugs
right because who wouldn't want that for their child. My pointis you didn't wnt him to act that way so how could you have set yourself up?
 
#10 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by ginger_rodgers View Post
muse, it doesn't matter what you call it, or what box the therapists drop it into. It comes down to wires in the brain going >bzzt< >bzzt< >snap< >bzzt< and the fact that the guy just ain't right.

I just have to say that was a wonderful discription
:
: thanks for the laugh I needed it today (sick Dc also)

OP hope the party goes wonderful. Today is your day also it is the day you became a Mama to that wonderful child so be happy today
 
#11 ·
What mistake did you make
you don't need to tiptoe around him to make him happy or to keep things peaceful. Be yourself, enjoy your life and whatever he chooses to say or do is his problem not yours. Don't get wrapped up in his irrational behaviors. You aren't with him for a reason! You don't have to continue to allow yourself to be affected by it. We can choose at every given moment what we want to be affected by.
 
#12 ·
It's a very tough process. It took me a while to fully kill any lingering optimism about X being able to act appropriately, especially at social times.

Get the ball rolling (FAST) toward divorce, or legal separation with an explicit parenting agreement.

In the meantime, create as many clear boundaries as you can.
 
#13 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by SunShineSally View Post
Today is your day also it is the day you became a Mama to that wonderful child so be happy today

thankyou!!! Unfortunately i already shed a whole lot of tears just now but am trying to turn it around.

bit of a crisis update: the plan was that dd has a little bday celebration at her waldorf preschool. I took the day off work to be there for that. x was going to be with her/us this afternoon to give her her new bike.

I stepped out of the house at 9.15 to get dd to school and the car was gone. he had taken it to work without asking or telling me. he pulls up at 9.25 and tells dd he will see her at her school (i'm supposed to be there at noon for her party). i said, no, please can you let me have this part of the day with her and you can have them this pm if you want...I've tried calling, being calm and rational, negotiating, but now as of 11am he is firm that HE is going to dd's school for the celebration and that he is then going back to work for the rest of today and tomorrow. he has flipped everything upside down and feels completely justified and is still yelling at me, today, on dd's birthday. so dd is expecting me to show up at noon, with her lunch and her birthday story about her life. i can't go because a) ds is sick and can't go in the school, and x refuses to take care of him for an hr and b) even if i could get someone to watch ds i can't possibly go sit in the same room with x right now with things like this. i asked him to apologise for the F*** you and he refused and said I needed to apologise but couldn't tell me what for.

can i just say F*!@!@$$£%^$&$&**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I'm screwed. my mum has been on the phone and been great and is trying to tell me, let go of this part of the day, don't let him upset you emotionally, and just enjoy the rest of the day and tomorrow with your kids. It's so hard knowing all month I planned to be there for this day and took off work for this and that dd is expecting me there very soon....

And, much as i don't want to be, I am FURIOUS.
 
#14 ·
Don't shoot me for asking this, but isn't it possible he was realizing you're exhausted from being up all night etc. and was trying to HELP???

I realize there's a lot of baggage between you two, but I take it as a kind gesture. He's folding laundry to help out so you can be ready for the party. His reaction might have been overblown, but I'd say to take his helping at face value and just say thanks.
 
#15 ·
muse, what a horrible man. If you can find someone else to look after ds, go; if not, please call the school and pass a message along to your dd that you won't be there because ds is sick, but daddy is coming. Any disappointment she has will be shortlived.

In the meantime, please use this time to get your divorce rolling, and document today's circumstances as one example of why shared custody will not be a good idea. It's time to cut yourself loose and have the protection of a decree. You're lucky here in that you're already separated, so as far as your children are concerned, the changes won't be huge.
 
#19 ·
We got through the day! X showed up at my house unannounced at 11.55 (the school celebration was at noon) saying we had to decide which one of us was going and that we should talk about this as reasonable adults..no kidding! but 5 mins before the party? After refusing to apologise for screaming and swearing at me?

He had already decided he was going and not me and I had let go of it by then, but what really happened was he realised he didn't have any lunch for dd and was late...well, anyway..I went and had a lovely lovely celebration at his school. I came home and we gave her her new bike then he went back to work. That was hard for her. She will see him for some of this weekend. And I had to really put a ton aside to let him be here in the house for that short time, but there was no option ad ds is really sick.

That aside, we had a lovely day and dd and i had our first bath together in yrs (since she was born in the water) and now she's having a super marathon nap..should make for a fun filled evening! we postponed the actual home party to next weekend since ds is so sick, and it's clear that x won't be there at all.

We got through it, thanks mamas.

Theoretica, yes he always has good intentions but i wish it were that simple. It wasn't folding the laundry that was the problem it was his anger when i asked him (politely) not to....he is full of anger and resentment that i won't take responsibility for anymore. he is also hyper sensitive to any perceived criticism - related to the ADHD - and I've lived for yrs now stepping on eggshells and taking blame from him. It's such a complicated dynamic it's really hard to put into words. But if you'd been here, trust me, there was absolutely no reason or excuse for him to scream at me they way he did and storm out.
 
#20 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by ginger_rodgers View Post
muse, what a horrible man.
I appreciate the support, but I do have to say x is anything but a horrible man. If he were this would be much easier. It's been confusing for yrs because I love him and he's a wonderful father. He's actually a beautiful person with a huge ton of unresolved baggage and newly diagnosed and adjusting to medication but still not fully acknowledging his illness. It's hard to reach out for support and explain to people the dynamic without it turning into attacking him, but I really don't want to do that however much hurt I've experienced. Hope that makes sense.
 
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