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#121 of 149 Old 04-22-2009, 10:23 PM
 
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"Ok so keeping my commitment on developing a good base of communication between us I would like to tell you something. I like you Torre and have been constantly thinking in my head if we could have a relationship. I told you that im a thinker so I just want you to know what Ive been thinking about.
I have to tell you that I am out of a pretty recent relationship and don't know how soon I'd be ready for another one. I am casually seeing a couple of other girls. By casual I mean I dont talk to them nearly as much as you its really just more friends than anything. But none the less I wanted you to know out of respect to you. I do respect you and your thoughts, feelings and ideas. Also, I would like you to know that you do give me feelings that I dont get from others so Im defiantly really attracted to you. Its totally awesome you think that im great and I like that a lot but Im a little apprehensive of hurting your feelings. I think we are on the right track and I feel that we are moving forward. Seeing you on monday will be a big step. I hope you understand what Im trying to say because Im telling you for no reason other than I like you. And last but not least...I like you for who you are and will never judge you. Your pictures though, thats going to have to be a seperate email cuz now that you got that image in my head of your eyes looking into mine, I almost buckle at the knees when getting up... xoxoxoxo"

So what do you think?

I think he is basically telling you, with a lot of coddling between, that he is actively playing the field and hopes you might want to play with him (and all of his other players).

If you are not interested in a serious relationship... then go have some fun. BUT, I sure wouldn't be sleeping with him.

If you are interested in or looking for a serious relationship... dump and go. He is telling you very loud and clear he is absolutely NOT ready or wanting anything serious.

So, ultimately, it depends on what you want.
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#122 of 149 Old 04-23-2009, 07:53 AM
 
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Wow - this thread is sure active again!

I am slowly drifting into not posting here anymore. Its really simple I guess - I am not single anymore and havent been for a while, so the whole dating thing is getting a bit distant to me already - and I surely hope it will stay that way for obvious reasons.

Here is my status right now. I am IN LOVE. In big big love Been with my guy - who was for some weird reason only my second date after leaving ex - for 5 months now and its been almost exactly a year since I left ex with our kids and moved into a shelter.
He is a wonderful wonderful guy. The most decent honest man I have ever met, the most intelligent, tender, gentle, yet muscular, manly and masculine man I have ever met.

I have a lot of hope for a life with him from here on. There are obstacles - big ones - one of them being his carreer and the fact that he recently quit a well payed job to not have to deal with psycho boss and is now looking for another job. And that could pretty much be anywhere - so that is a scary threat to a future for the two of us. I trust him to make the "right" decisions though - we both believe we have long term potential so I think that even if he should move away we will be planning a future together in the longer term.

We are both still healing from past traumatic relationships/events and that will be something to work on together too. But I feel we have such a strong connection I am sure we can work it through - anyway I really really hope so.

I wish you all a lot of luck on your dating adventures. I will stick around but will probably mostly lurk from here on..

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#123 of 149 Old 04-23-2009, 10:29 AM
 
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We talked again last night for like 3 hours. He explained more in depth whta he was trying to say in the email. He said that he was not sleeping with anyone and will not. He also said that the girls he speaks with are more friends than anythin, he said he doesn't even kiss them. He said he just wants to take it slow and make sure I am ok with that. He just knows what I have been through and I am fragile and doesn't want to see me get hurt.

He often refers to the future and me meeting his mom and dad. His mom already knows about me and that I am pregnant and she is really nice and is not judging me. We talked about the enormity of dating someone with children. We are both looking to eventually be in a long term relationship resulting in marriage and he said he wanted to have a strong foundation. But we both really want the same things. I feel so insync with this man. Our common interests are amazing.

My therapist and I talked about it and she said to give it 3-4 months before we have sex. She said it takes that long for someone to get tired of cleaning up there act! LOL So she said to let him prove himself before we change the dynamic with sex. She said it was promising that he was so interested in my bi-polar disorder and he is researching and asking a lot of questions to try and help when I am low. Which is completly sweet.

Anyway, it's fun and he makes me smile. I'm keeping the Naturalist around.

SEIE- congrats sweetie! I hope it all works out. It sounds promising!
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#124 of 149 Old 04-23-2009, 02:45 PM
 
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Hi there, I'll update although it's been so long probably no-one remembers me! I have been dating bf for a year and a half now, and it's going really well. We both have children, and he lives about an hour away. We spend about every other weekend together, and a night during the week.

We have really been going on a lot of adventures together, including my and sometimes his kids, exploring a part of nature I never had before. It's so exciting to fall more in love with nature and my lover, too.

He is wonderful with my children, and it's a very comfortable situation in that regard.

Longterm I might want to get married to someone again, maybe him, but for now, this seems just right.

I enjoy following this thread.
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#125 of 149 Old 04-23-2009, 02:55 PM
 
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Hi there, I'll update although it's been so long probably no-one remembers me! I have been dating bf for a year and a half now, and it's going really well. We both have children, and he lives about an hour away. We spend about every other weekend together, and a night during the week.

We have really been going on a lot of adventures together, including my and sometimes his kids, exploring a part of nature I never had before. It's so exciting to fall more in love with nature and my lover, too.

He is wonderful with my children, and it's a very comfortable situation in that regard.

Longterm I might want to get married to someone again, maybe him, but for now, this seems just right.

I enjoy following this thread.
HEy there! Sounds like you are on the right track with this guy! Good for you!
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#126 of 149 Old 04-23-2009, 06:53 PM
 
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Wow! I just read 12 pages of dating!

I still can't get the first guy I had a relationship with after my divorce out of my head. It was a really intense connection and lasted through the holidays so memorable. If he were to call me today I'd drive to his place now. He asked me to be his fb friend last October so after about 6 weeks of emails and a phone call from him I asked him (via text) why he contacted me after breaking up 6 months ago. He said because he wanted to know how I was doing. So then I texted him 'are ever going to see each other again?" No response but he remained my fb friend. Last week I added some old male friends to my fb and flirted with them and put up some old pics of us at parties. This week I noticed my ex is no longer on fb, he deleted his profile. I was 1 of his wHopping 6 friends.

I've tried the online dating thing and match.com was where I met my ex. Mostly the guys are wierd and want to chat/email forever and it's a waste of time. I think a lot of them are better online then in person, some are cheaters, some think they are at the all-you-can-eat buffet of dating so I'm pretty much over the online thing. Last guys were not even close to their posted profile pictures, just icky. Not going to waste my time or babysitting money on meeting someone who is't what they present themself to be.

Not a lot of guys are asking me out irl though. My therapist says it must be because while other women put out the available vibe, I'm putting out a not available vibe:. How can I put out the right vibe? I'm really ready for a relationship and tired of being alone. I feel like I'm a fun, smart, together person!
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#127 of 149 Old 04-23-2009, 07:47 PM
 
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Hey Butterfly! Lurking again

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Ursu, is it ALL FINNISH MEN or what? I'm left feeling so.....well attracted to him and wanting him to make a move on me or something, or just have a romantic buzz in the air, some tension, some eye contact, something, and he is just so natural/laidback like we would be some old married couple and then asks me to join him snuggled up in his bed and like a chump I say, "sure" and we snuggle and have a long talk. I end up wishing he would make a romantic move on me but he never does, we are just petting and cuddled up and I'm kind of sick of it because it's not even that nice to be in bed when you are fully clothed in jeans and everything and it's getting on 2am, and I just end up getting fed up in the end and getting out of his bed, thanking him for hosting me in his home for 4 hours so graciously and leaving the room adn the apartment rather abruptly. Luckily it's a 5 minute walk home and then I had my shower, my toiletries, my pajamas, my bed, and my vibrator and what the hell do I need to care about him and his passivity and non-romanticness anyway?

...

Had a super stressful day today with a meeting with the social workers re: my custody case and WITH my ex (all of us combined), and it was just horrible hearing him go on and on bad-mouthing me to the authorities, personal attacks. It was hard to take the high road and remain composed and have class. But I did it.
First, you know, I don't think it's necessarily just Finnish men - it's men with no sex drive! And Finland seems to have more than its fair share of them! Maybe it's all the drinking from an early age?
Second: what a vindictive jerk! I hope the social workers see that. Good for you for keeping your cool! That must have been really hard. I'm proud of you!

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#128 of 149 Old 04-23-2009, 11:19 PM
 
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Siddie, Welcome:

I tell ya, there is something about those first guys. You're definitely not alone in that. And facebook....one more way dating is more complicated now. I can't bring myself to delete my first guy (Complications) OR his now girlfriend, but I don't really want to be reading about their lives either....

and I really don't know why they don't just delete me.....

blah blah.

Scrabble guy stopped by this evening (walking his dog) while I was reading my kids bedtime stories to ask if I was up for wine and scrabble later, but I turned him down as I have an early morning tomorrow, but agreed to "soon, then"

So.....

Someday, when I'm feeling really pathetic, I'll put the whole story of Complications up for you guys to help me pick apart.

But, hopefully, I'll have something more interesting to report soon. I'm starting a new job which means: more chances to be out of the house without my kids, meeting people, more money for buying cute clothes: and hopefully some mental stimulation that makes me feel able to go on a date and do more than blather on about my baby
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#129 of 149 Old 04-24-2009, 05:57 AM
 
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Siddie: To put out that "available vibe" I think its about flirting a bit. Just innocently. If a guy is not available he wont even notice. Its about smiling and keeping some eye contact with men you feel attracted to. Its about eyeing men in supermarkets, streets, at parties - well everywhere. And sometimes its really as simple as smiling at them. If they are available - and interested - they will pick it up. If they are not available they probably wont even notice. You have nothing to loose doing that really..

Butterfly: For the no sex thing - then if a man isnt interested in having sex - hes just not that into you IME..
Any news about lawyer guy?

Natural minded momma: The naturalist guy sounds interesting. I would keep him around too. IT sounds a bit like when I met my BF actually - except he wasnt talking to other girls at the time - though I know he had been seeing a girl before me but it didnt work out - sounds like she was the very demanding type..
Anyway it sounds like he is worth giving a chance to get to know better. I agree though maybe better not to do the sex thing till he seems ready for a relationship - unless you dont mind casual sex that is. (I personally dont, and there is no way on earth I could wait 3-4 months)

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#130 of 149 Old 04-24-2009, 10:25 AM
 
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Seie is right, it's 99% about open/receptive eye contact. I notice attractive men 100% of the time and try to make eye contact and a little smile if the guy is really cute enough for me to be prepared to stop my day and exchange a few words, if he's brave enough. Sometimes they are! Usually we just exchange a few looks, and that's it, but sometimes you never know. One guy I bumped into on the sidewalk then called out after me, "What's yours name?" in this really sweet, non-sleazy way, just when he turned and saw it was me that had bumped his arm slightly on the sidewalk corner as I rushed past, his face lit up and he looked like he was having a panicked moment of wondering if he would never see me again, as I walked away, so quickly asked for my name. I thought it was sweet. But I laughed and continued because I wasn't interested.

Yes, Smooth & Witty's gotta be less-than-into-me. Gotta be. Haven't heard from him in 5 days. There you go.

sugarmoon, we've just gotta stop picking apart (in our own minds) the relationships we can't seem to get over!!! I keep obsessing about Vanishing guy in Brussels too. Thank god he doesn't have a facebook. Whew! Facebook drama really is a bit weird.

The judge is short and smokes. We had a fun night, but that'll be that. Little men with cigarette breath are NOT my thing.
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#131 of 149 Old 04-24-2009, 03:25 PM
 
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Okay, my little update!

I'm still seeing the same guy. It's been...almost 7 weeks? And it just keeps getting better. I love his company, and so far, we only have a very few things that give me pause, and they're certainly not deal breakers.

My issues? So many of you talk about the intense, post-breakup relationship. I'm definitely in an intense, post-breakup relationship, and am aware of how likely it is to fail...and don't want it to. But I also want to protect myself because it almost feels like it's an expectation. I am pretty sure that's just baggage and am trying to just enjoy the moments.

Another thing...being with him has made me realize just how lonely I was in my marriage. And it has really made me question just how abnormal MY marriage was. I kind of assumed that every house had an undertone of misery. But I keep finding aspects of my personality pop up that I either never knew existed, or that I thought had been quashed years ago. But there they are...

So this gives me hope that maybe I DO want a long-term relationship at some point in the future, and that maybe my first marriage was just a terribly bad experience that doesn't have to be repeated.

Busy, hectic, HAPPY single mom to 3 awesome kiddos jumpers.gif DD1 (10) DS (8) DD2 (6)

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#132 of 149 Old 04-25-2009, 12:14 AM
 
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Okay! Thank you guys! I am totally giving myself a homework assignment this weekend. Make eye contact and smile at a minimum of 10 cute guys and see what happens.

I am so out of practice, last time I did it in Safeway (about a year or two ago), this hot Mediterranean guy with an accent followed me around a few aisles and ended up in line behind me. All I could do was clumsily drop my food and scurry out after he told me avocados were on sale. I feel like such a dork sometimes... Only later could I think of things to say, like, what would I do with all those avocados? Or do you have a good recipe? Or, do you like to cook too?

Cracking up about little guys with cigarette breath! At this point I could definitely go for a nite of fun with one of them

Fb, yes, I guess it's good that ex deleted his profile as I was obsessively checking it and his friends, definitely not healthy.

Going to a psychic fair this Sunday if I can make it, I'll keep you posted.
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#133 of 149 Old 04-25-2009, 06:45 AM
 
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Lah7: Sounds like you are having a great time. What makes you think it wont last? Its not a universal rule that you cant find the one and only just after a breakup - that I know of anyway. I sure hope its not a universal rule as I definately feel like I have found the one and only

Siddie: Another thing about sending out an available vibe is about dressing up a bit. Do a little extra to look good, buy some new clothes, use a bit of make up if you dont usually do that and focus on feeling good about yourself. If you feel sexy and worth while guys will feel the same.. At least my experience is that when I feel sexy I will have more guys look at me in the street. One guy once even commented out loudly when I walked past him - I dont remember what he said - I guess some could have found it rude but he said in a tone of respect so I took it as a compliment - I think it was something like "sexy lady"

No news here - my guy went abroad on a 10 day working holiday so am missing him terribly.. Am trying to get the house in order - I need to sort through all the childrens clothes I have way too much that they outgrew and that is just taking up space in the closets and the laundry basket.. sigh..

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#134 of 149 Old 04-26-2009, 11:22 AM
 
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siddie, you can have my shortie-who-smokes. Just come to Scandinavia and he's all yours. I met a guy off of Facebook and we had a couple hours together on Friday before he went to work the night shift at the Bakery where he works at. I'll call him the Baker. He and I had coffee together and sat in the sun and hung out. It was fun, I really like him. Sweet, kinda shy, but a charismatic side underneath, I believe. He's short and i'm not sure if there would be any potential for chemistry, actually, but.... *shrug* never say never. He seems to be a stable, solid kind of guy, but that's just my first impression. He studied archeology but bakes bread.

So I am now in the throes of a bit of a forbidden romance. Or ...is it? Hottie Supreme is my ex's casual friend from university, and actually a very good friend of my ex brother-in-law (whom I have nothing bad to say about-he's a nice guy). We ran into each other on Friday night at a bar, he and a huge group of people who all had heard allllllllll about me (and for years), and all knew/studied with my ex. They were all so excited to finally meet me for themselves, and after some hours together, they all completely 100% agreed that I am pretty darned great & sane, and that everything they've ever heard about me is total crap; now they've formed their own opinion and think that I'm awesome. It felt nice to do a little damage control of my reputation, and it was surprising how easy it was... apparently my ex has a reputation of his own of being a little odd and melodramatic and people are accostomed to taking his rantings with a grain of salt, anyways. In other words, it was not hard at all to get them to drop their preconceptions about me based on whatever they had heard (consider the source!!) and form their own opinions based on getting to actually know me. And they all loved me and thought I was (obviously )very sane and cool and great.

So on to the Hottie Supreme that I have exhausted myself with this weekend. He's smart (educated/good job), gorgeous, charming, hilarious, a great dancer, and a real sweetheart. He is the one I noticed first that Friday night when I stumbled into the whole group of folks...because I knew his face. Hell, he was at my wedding reception, and had been in my home several times when I was married. So I recognized him immediately as one of the few men in this country I had ever thought was smoking hot and appealing, (outside of my ex who is, objectively, superhuman-ly good looking, I'm loathe to admit) and knew that he must be a friend of my ex's. I approached him and was like, "Do I know you?" and he was like, "God, I hope so...." and we laughed and figured out how we knew each other, started flirting like mad, and dancing and have ended up spending a lot of time this weekend together. A lot. And ....wow. Holy cow, wow.

Is it awful of me to feel somehow that this is sweet revenge, getting involved with a friend-of-the-ex's, knowing how much it would irk him? It's not like we are going to let my ex find out anytime soon (that would be dangerous to Hottie Supreme's health), but just the knowledge that if this were to end up getting serious and he does find out about me & Hottie Supreme, it will just drive him batty...... that thought does really really make me smile. Somehow it adds to the appeal of this guy, who really doesn't need any extra ingredients to make him really appealing to me. But that's a lovely bonus, I must admit....
I wonder when I'll see him again.....

Hot Chick was about 4 hours late yesterday and she was so quiet, shy, awkward, and shaking-like-a-leaf nervous when we were together that it was hard to enjoy her company. Truly. : I did kiss her good night before she drove back home and that was pleasant. But I don't think I'm going to pursue her anymore, .....I'm way too into Hottie Supreme.

Finally made a bit of text/IM contact with Vanishing guy in Brussels, and he has admitted that the reason that he has managed to hold back from making any communications with me these past few months is that he is seeing someone nowadays and it wouldn't be fair to her to be in touch with me. I would have thought that this information would feel like a punch to my stomach and make the tears come even easier these days when I think of him but actually it's been fine. Kind of good closure for me to be gracious, and wish him well and good luck with his new romance (like the Goddess-of-the-High-Road which I try to be) and let that be that. I mean, really.... what on earth is the point for me to be reliving and re-reading every sweet moment and every sweet SMS and email from those months when we were very close to each other and imagining that somehow I would mean something similar to him that he has meant to me WHEN OBVIOUSLY THAT IS NOT THE CASE or he wouldn't have treated me like crap at the holidays, given up on us so easily, and met someone new and dropped communications with me by Valentine's Day. It's just the plain, black and white facts, and I needed to finally wise up and see the writing on the wall and just get over this fantasy-love I had built up and imagined in my mind that we had both experienced for one another.

The plain facts are that he was never that gosh darned exceptional, and finding sparkling male company just doesn't appear to be terribly challenging. Thank GOD he dropped his bomb on me right after I had experienced hours and hours of a major endorphin rush to my brain and I still had a goofy smile painted across my face. It just rolled right off me like water off a duck's back and I still am wondering if there will ever be that pang/stab of emotion feeling through my chest at the thought of him with his new girlfriend. If it's going to be a delayed reaction thingy then I am not looking forward to it.

In the meantime, it's spring, and life is pretty good. I hope this weekend romance pans out into something more.



Ahem. : Updates from everyone else? Sugarmoon, did you call Jester to thank for the brownies ....or Scrabble guy (they're not the same guy, right??) ? :
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#135 of 149 Old 04-26-2009, 11:31 AM
 
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Siddie: Another thing about sending out an available vibe is about dressing up a bit. Do a little extra to look good, buy some new clothes, use a bit of make up if you dont usually do that and focus on feeling good about yourself. If you feel sexy and worth while guys will feel the same.. At least my experience is that when I feel sexy I will have more guys look at me in the street. One guy once even commented out loudly when I walked past him - I dont remember what he said - I guess some could have found it rude but he said in a tone of respect so I took it as a compliment - I think it was something like "sexy lady" ..
Yes yes yes yes yes! : When you put some care into putting on flattering clothes that make you feel your cutest, grooming a little bit more 'prettily' than normally us moms feel like doing, etc, then it really does shine through in your facial expression and posture/gait and people notice that you're putting out an appealing hot mama vibe. And those little comments on the street that I mentioned a few days ago and Seie just mentioned getting on days when you've put that extra effort in and are putting that vibe out there, are really really really great confidence boosters, even if the dude making the compliment is nothing special. It just builds up your confidence, and if an hour later there's Mr. Amazing standing in the checkout counter line at the grocery store and he locks eyes with you, you'll have those balls of steel necessary to say, "Come here often?" with a cheesey, cheerful smile/giggle and perhaps you'll strike up something. I'm a firm believer in women taking the driver's seat in initiating flirts, etc, just because I am too impatient to wait around for the ones I really like to build up the courage to speak to me, and I hate all the weeding out that comes along with my just waiting to see what guy approaches me (since I'm so picky that 99% of the time, I'm like, "yeah, right-- in your dreams!"). But then again I'm a really ballsy kinda lady.
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#136 of 149 Old 04-27-2009, 06:22 AM
 
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Butterflymom - no time to write now - just wanted to let you know that I am following your adventures New guy sounds interesting. I would be vary of ex'es circle of friends, but I trust you know what you are doing. I say hey - let ex casually find out about you and mr new guy - I would like to see him try attacking him right before your final custody court meeting! Well no ofcourse I dont want anyone to get hurt, but it would be nice if he could show his true colors.. I hope this new guy is as good as he sounds..

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#137 of 149 Old 04-27-2009, 09:20 AM
 
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:::::::::: :::::

I got a job. Thank god. I am celebrating tonight with a first date with new guy, for sushi, my favorite. Met him online on Facebook's Are You Interested application, and we chatted last night. His english is utter crap so I can practice my Finnish. Hottie Supreme and I are smoking up our mobile phones with texting back and forth but no idea when we'll see each other again.
Smooth & Witty called on Saturday and texted on Sunday with, as usual, nothing much to say. I'm not encouraging him in the least, I just politely answer but that's it.

Seie, I love that you are lurking and rooting for me.

Hey, ya'll, I'm listening and waiting : to cheer ya'll on! Updates!
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#138 of 149 Old 04-27-2009, 10:57 AM
 
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I got a job. Thank god.
Woohoo! Congratulations! :

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#139 of 149 Old 04-27-2009, 05:59 PM
 
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Woohoo! Congratulations! :

Oh Urs, I forgot about you, my other lurker/cheerleader. Thanks!
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#140 of 149 Old 04-28-2009, 12:41 PM
 
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Last time I posted I was going on dates with 3 men, and didn't feel like any of them were a good fit.

I was wrong about Bachelor #3. (The one I said was gorgeous, but not spiritual and not very bright) He has turned out to be an amazing and I want this guy!! So I've gotta gush...

First, He IS smart. He's getting his Doctorate in Microbiology. Infact I'd say he's the smart person that I've personally known. Yet there is NO ego there!! He's doesn't need to prove it and doesn't want others to feel like they are not.

Second, he's Adorable and Funny. I had no idea a grown man could be so adorable!! Seriously everything out of his mouth if so funny, and so adorable, but in a sexy way. I had no idea what it would feel like to find a grown man to be so adorable.. I just want to pet him, again and again. I get all of his jokes, even the most subtle and he likes that. Being with him is wonderful.

Third, He's responsible, organized, goal driven, neat, doesn't mind that I have kids, treats me good...

He's also beautiful. More beautiful then myself, and I'm not sure if I like it! He smells good.

I want him to be MINE...
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#141 of 149 Old 04-28-2009, 06:01 PM
 
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How was the backpacking trip? : He sounds great.
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#142 of 149 Old 04-28-2009, 06:18 PM
 
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Butterflymom: Congrats on the job

Clementine: Bachelor sounds very interesting! Nothing like a man who can make you laugh - I also think it sounds promising that he doesnt need to be acknowledged for his skills all the time. Counts as a green flag in my book Keep us updated!

My guy is abroad this week - 10 days away from me - poor me.. No daily phonecalls as its way too expensive. He did write me a for him unusually long e-mail the other night though He really should write more - I so enjoy his clever little writings
He will come back home next week - cant wait to see him again..

Single mom to ds(8), dd(6) and ds(5)
 

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#143 of 149 Old 04-28-2009, 09:49 PM
 
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Wow...you ladies blow me away! I don't know if I really belong here. I kinda have this odd thing going on. Married, getting divorced when dh gets back (sept), dating my BF (ugh that is not the word to describe him) whom I would follow like a puppy of which me and him are polyamorous (and he's married) of which HIS wife is having a hard time and I really have large doubts that I will ever get a commitment from him that would satisfy my feelings.

Add into all that the very scary fact that I really haven't dated outside of high school and I'm a ball of nerves and tears and anger and loneliness and I think I'd just about give anyone a good reason to run the other way.

Either way I have firmly (on my good days ) planted myself in the mindframe that I'm rebuilding my life and I can do it any darn way I want.

Where in the world do you ladies go to even meet those lovely intoxicating masculine men?! Truly I go to the commissary and then kids activities (zoo, parks, and other places mostly moms go).

Loved reading all your updates...I've never had the opportunity to see that there IS hope after divorce and that there ARE lots of good guys out there (my dh is a good guy but my mom divorced and never found another so I'm really depressed about the real prospect of being 'alone' for the rest of my life).
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#144 of 149 Old 04-29-2009, 06:31 AM
 
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Danielle: I honestly believe most divorced single mamas are single by choice. I seem to read about it here all the time - once you have kids you get picky and many moms seem to keep waiting for the right time to start dating - or are scared off from men entirely - or dont have the time or ... fill in for yourself.
I personally think that being single is in the long term a choice. Sure there are horrible men outthere, sure it is hard and draining to date and get dumbed etc. Sure its sometimes easier to just stop dating completely to protect ones heart from injury and to not have to invest all that energy into something so insecure, when that energy could be invested in your children. But when it comes down to the buttom line IMO its a choice. You can choose to have the goal to find a new man in your life or you can choose not to have that goal. If you want a man and you put your energy into finding him eventually I believe you will. But obviously how successful you have have a lot to do with your own selfesteem, the men you choose to date and especially who you choose NOT to date.
I believe I have learned the hard way who NOT to date.
But ok - honestly I probably shouldnt even be talking about these things as I consider myself extremely lucky these days. It seems a good man just came raining from the sky right in my lap. I have no idea what I did to be so lucky, but after all - I am 31 one so it was about bloody time too that I found love..
Good luck

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#145 of 149 Old 04-29-2009, 09:28 AM
 
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... dating my BF (ugh that is not the word to describe him) whom I would follow like a puppy of which me and him are polyamorous (and he's married) of which HIS wife is having a hard time and I really have large doubts that I will ever get a commitment from him that would satisfy my feelings.

Well..... ahem..... if you have (large!) doubts that you'll ever get any commitment from him that would satisfy you, and you are in such a tenuous place right now emotionally, in a not-quite-done marriage, and you are unhappy and predicting more pain.... why not jump off this train, let that BF you are crazy about know that when he's ready for what you're ready for, you'll be there, and take a few breaths on your own. And decide if you really ARE poly. I mean, you haven't been out there dating since high school so perhaps you really don't know exactly what types of romantic relationships you are best designed for...? I think of polyamory as being kind of a varsity level relationships-management/human-relationships-juggling activity. Sure, people can live that way and be happy, but it seems fraught with landmines and best navigated by those who are dead certain about it, preferrably dead certain and established with a primary partner, and ready to calmly handle each sticky situation and complication one at a time (with that primary, sturdy partner I just mentioned, preferrably).... No offense, and I don't know you, but the way you describe where your head is at nowadays, it doesn't sound like you are feeling very settled and clear about ....romance in general, and what kind of relationship you want and with whom. Maybe just start with Junior Varsity dating activities (two single people getting to know each other) and move up to Varsity when you are feeling confident and ready to explore that side of yourself, with someone whom you feel is really on board/on the same page with you about it.

I don't really know what I'm talking about so take what I say with a grain of salt. BUT, you have admitted you are hurt, nervous, scared, angry, and lonely and perhaps you are right--you won't attract the right kind of guy this very minute in that mindset. Try to get to a calmer, happier place within yourself and then think about what you really want and whether current BF can give that to you at all. Good luck! Keep us posted!
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#146 of 149 Old 04-30-2009, 10:02 AM
 
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I lurk and check in on you all regularly, but don't feel like I have much to add! My sweetheart and I will be celebrating the second anniversary of our first date in a few weeks, and he's been the only one in my heart ever since. So even though we are dating, I'm also not really *dating*, KWIM?
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#147 of 149 Old 04-30-2009, 10:11 AM
 
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Marissa. Great to hear you are happy and dating your love How about talks of marriage? Did you ever resolve your "issues?". Feel free to ignore if I am stepping too close ..

Single mom to ds(8), dd(6) and ds(5)
 

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#148 of 149 Old 05-01-2009, 09:57 AM
 
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Talks of marriage have stalled. Our kids (my fifteen year old daughter and his seventeen year old son) decided a few months ago that they "have feelings for each other". Sigh...

Marriage is coming, just not real sure how soon - we kind of need to ride this out before combining out families.

But things between us are wonderful - I love him more every single day!
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#149 of 149 Old 05-02-2009, 05:13 PM
 
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No backpacking.. the weather was yucky... Updates are fun fun fun accidental bike ride, with me on the back of his bike, in a dress transporting bottle of wine.... Hit my head on the bike rack on top of his car... that was great.
His roomates gf text messages him all the time.. hmmm? Went to a show, danced. Stayed in made dinner.. Had fabulous sex. Once last night and twice this morning. He's still funny and so intelligent and polite. I love his personality. He honestly likes me and he's responsible!

But... He doesn't give me compliments?

Hmmmmmmmmmmm
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