What can I do and still be reasonable? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 11 Old 04-04-2009, 02:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It's complicated but then I guess all the posts on this board are lol.
I am a SAHM to my 4 kids. Their Dad has always been around when he chooses to (more so now he is older than when the kids were young). But here is my problem.
He turns up when he wants, stays as long as he wants, goes when he wants.
My biggest problem is he is used to coming in the house and hanging out here - making brews, using the internet, hanging out with the kids - like a husband would.
This makes me unhappy though.
He thinks what the kids what should be all that matters.
They don't want to go to his house because it is boring there and we have a nice home.
They don't want to go out with him because he just takes them to the park and they don't always feel like it.
When he has arranged to take them to one of their activities he will often turn up early so he can hang out, then when dropping them home turn his car off and comes in again, attempt to chat with me and stay around.
I am so sad and fed up of always being the bad guy asking him to leave because if I say nothing he just stays as long as he wants.
I don't want to take any legal action. I do write him letters explaining how I would like him to only come here to take the kids out instead of coming in my house.
He does this for a week or two then starts coming back in.
Am I being unreasonable? Should I accept having him in my home till the kids are grown? Is what the kids want more important and should I just try and be jolly and happy - which also makes him think I will then get back with him?
I want my kids to have a happy upbringing but the older 2 in particular pick up on how unhappy this all makes me...
HELP!
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#2 of 11 Old 04-04-2009, 04:05 PM
 
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I am dealing with this, too.

It's difficult to address without causing hard feelings.

Sorry, I don't know what to do about it either. Just wanted to say--I get it.
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#3 of 11 Old 04-04-2009, 05:54 PM
 
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He is crossing your boundaries. It doesn't matter why you don't want him there, the fact is that you don't. If this is making you unhappy, you have to put a stop to it because no one else will. You don't have to pretend like you're a happy family for the sake of the kids. You said you know your other kids are picking up on how uncomfortable you are. Then it's time to stop it.

And stop it for good. He knows that you get upset about it, but after a few weeks he can cross your boundaries again.

It's not your job to make sure he has a good time with the kids OR that the kids have a good time with him, so stop making it your job. You're taking that responsibility away from him by allowing him into your place. It's HIS job to find fun and interesting ways to be with his kids - it's HIS responsibility to deal with the fact the kids think his house is boring - it's all HIS job. Now granted you might have to deal with, "But I don't want to go to daddy's!" but once again, it's not your problem to fix because you can't take his responsibility away from him. You listen, you hug them but you remember how unhappy this situation right now is making you.

Your not a bad guy for wanting him out. I had to tell my h the same thing last week. It confuses my little ones when he hangs out here. He protested because where he's staying is about 25 minutes away and he doesn't like driving.

Not. my. problem.
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#4 of 11 Old 04-04-2009, 06:38 PM
 
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Originally Posted by wendyjoe View Post
He is crossing your boundaries. It doesn't matter why you don't want him there, the fact is that you don't. If this is making you unhappy, you have to put a stop to it because no one else will.

It's HIS job to find fun and interesting ways to be with his kids - it's HIS responsibility to deal with the fact the kids think his house is boring - it's all HIS job.
:

Um, that's what I would have said from the rational part of my brain....ay.

Hey, wendyjoe, sorry to see you here.....we all are in the same soup, it seems.
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#5 of 11 Old 04-04-2009, 10:10 PM
 
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Ugh- I totally get this. My stbx wants to come over have dinner and read books to the girls to sleep- and call that all of his visitation. Finally last week I said fine if thats what you would like to do and went out to dinner with a friend. When I came back- I had to explain once again that I understand that he loves our girls- but that this can't fly anymore- this is a separation- talk about frustrating- he would look at my calandar on the wall and start asking me questions about what I had written down- I don't want to be a bitch, but really mind your own buisness! I'm hoping that now that he has his apartment together it won't be such an issue- he has the girls for there first sleep over tonight.
Stay strong and talk to him- it's not fair!
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#6 of 11 Old 04-05-2009, 05:21 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by philosophicalmama View Post
Ugh- I totally get this. My stbx wants to come over have dinner and read books to the girls to sleep- and call that all of his visitation. Finally last week I said fine if thats what you would like to do and went out to dinner with a friend. When I came back- I had to explain once again that I understand that he loves our girls- but that this can't fly anymore- this is a separation- talk about frustrating- he would look at my calandar on the wall and start asking me questions about what I had written down- I don't want to be a bitch, but really mind your own buisness! I'm hoping that now that he has his apartment together it won't be such an issue- he has the girls for there first sleep over tonight.
Stay strong and talk to him- it's not fair!
Oh yeah! I get this!!! When he knows I am going out he tries to strike up conversation by asking where am I going... who with... I have never had a date since haing the kids and it would irk him to know I had a guy. He was always the one with the dates. Now I would like him to get a girlfriend so he could hang out there instead. He is nearly 50 now and is alone so not sure that will happen.
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#7 of 11 Old 04-05-2009, 05:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by wendyjoe View Post
It's not your job to make sure he has a good time with the kids OR that the kids have a good time with him, so stop making it your job. You're taking that responsibility away from him by allowing him into your place. It's HIS job to find fun and interesting ways to be with his kids - it's HIS responsibility to deal with the fact the kids think his house is boring - it's all HIS job. Now granted you might have to deal with, "But I don't want to go to daddy's!" but once again, it's not your problem to fix because you can't take his responsibility away from him. You listen, you hug them but you remember how unhappy this situation right now is making you.
I have told him all this many times but he keeps repeating that it is what the kids want. When I have asked him to leave he then goes and tells the younger two that "Mum doesn't want me here" so they get really sad and cry as they want him to stay and play..... I don't want to tell my kdis I don't like what he is doing as I don't want them as pawns in a game.
The other day I explained how I didn't want him in my house so he said he was going but then stayed and played in the garden! Aggggggggggggggh!
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#8 of 11 Old 04-05-2009, 09:28 AM
 
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Originally Posted by rainbowmum View Post
I have told him all this many times but he keeps repeating that it is what the kids want. When I have asked him to leave he then goes and tells the younger two that "Mum doesn't want me here" so they get really sad and cry as they want him to stay and play..... I don't want to tell my kdis I don't like what he is doing as I don't want them as pawns in a game.
The other day I explained how I didn't want him in my house so he said he was going but then stayed and played in the garden! Aggggggggggggggh!
That's called manipulation. I'd be sooo : There would be stern talkings-to Another thing he's doing there is making the kids think that daddy is all play, daddy is always on their side, and momma's the enemy. Totally not cool.

I've decided that I'm going to show my kids that it's not okay to let anyone walk all over me - thereby they might learn that it's not okay to let anyone walk all over them. Easier to say than do. to us all
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#9 of 11 Old 04-07-2009, 06:03 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by wendyjoe View Post
That's called manipulation. I'd be sooo : There would be stern talkings-to Another thing he's doing there is making the kids think that daddy is all play, daddy is always on their side, and momma's the enemy. Totally not cool.

I've decided that I'm going to show my kids that it's not okay to let anyone walk all over me - thereby they might learn that it's not okay to let anyone walk all over them. Easier to say than do. to us all
Unforutnately because he turns up all the time when he wants Daddy is just that. All play, nothing else. The younger kids think this is fab. I home-school so I am the boring Mommy!
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#10 of 11 Old 04-07-2009, 06:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I was thinking would it be a good idea to write up a list of time and days he can take the kids out.... but what if the kids don't wanna go????? I am not forcing them!
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#11 of 11 Old 04-07-2009, 01:26 PM
 
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Originally Posted by rainbowmum View Post
but what if the kids don't wanna go????? I am not forcing them!
I think it's a good, workable solution. I've quoted the part that you have no control of and is, once again, HIS problem

You can't make them like it. You can't make them go. You can give him appropriate times he can take them. Try it and see.
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