Dating Thread for May, if you please? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 244 Old 05-10-2009, 11:12 AM
 
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Terra.......how'd it go? Looking forward to the details!

Coyote'smama, it sure feels great doesn't it? Wakes up a part of you, and at least for me, it makes all the other little (and not so little) struggles involved with single parenting so much more manageable. Just having attraction and feeling attractive does so much for my morale! Sounds like you found a good one. Have fun!

Happy Mother's day, everyone!::
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#62 of 244 Old 05-10-2009, 02:43 PM
 
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So XDP is on a date tonight. His exact words were, "If I don't release some sexual tension I'm gonna pop. I won't be home tonight." I sent him off with my blessing, but it still felt a tiny bit weird. I'm not in a horrible rush to kick him out the house (he's planning on moving out this summer) but this is where co-habiting with your ex gets a little complex.
I'm going through the SAME thing with my xdp. Except he's been daily downloading porn and porn movies on the computer AND going out at night.

Single mama to a 5yo and 8yo

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#63 of 244 Old 05-10-2009, 05:41 PM
 
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I'm going through the SAME thing with my xdp. Except he's been daily downloading porn and porn movies on the computer AND going out at night.
I put a password on my computer. I have no issues with porn for consenting adults - but I hate the viruses on my computer.

I bought this as an anklet:

http://www.etsy.com/view_transaction...on_id=15679005

Pride colors - I'm going to start wearing it on Monday and see if it sparks any conversation... heh.

Full time working mom to two bright and busy little girls! treehugger.gif
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#64 of 244 Old 05-10-2009, 06:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I bought this as an anklet:

http://www.etsy.com/view_transaction...on_id=15679005

Pride colors - I'm going to start wearing it on Monday and see if it sparks any conversation... heh.
Great idea!

Sugarmoon, I totally agree with you about everything between one night stands and full-blown committed partnerships being increasingly a disappearing segment or just called 'FWB'.... That's something I haven't thought about lately but I think it's worth discussing....even here amongst you single ladies. What sort of relationships we are willing to have and at what stages of our post-break-up-and-mothering-hood and what is femininst and empowered behavior vs. what is foolish, emotional-security-wise. And I know what you mean about wanting to leave a little chase in the guys' hands. I'm SO BAD at that. If I'm in, I'm in, 100% and I forget to 'play the game'...I call when I wanna talk, text when I have something to say.... ack. I'm horrible at it. But men simply NEED to pursue a bit, I get that. I just can't practice what I preach.
Good luck with that.


You guys remember the short guy who from last winter who was an amazing kisser? Who disappeared because he couldn't handle dating a MILF? Well he appeared in my life again yesterday. We met for drinks last night, and I ended the night early. I went home and today called him and he took me on the most amazing many-hours-long scenic tour of the city and surrounding areas on his motorcycle. It was my first time riding one. And he spent the day helping me to improve speaking Finnish, which was quite a task to iron out my grammar deficiencies. Then out to dinner and back to my place for two hours kissing, fully-clothed, and he went home. God I was such a lady tonight. Or a prude? Or maybe he's actually the one putting on the brakes? That's the third or fourth time the man's been kissing me for hours on my couch, obviously attracted to me/into it, but then ripping himself away and not so much as taking off an article of clothing. I kinda like it. Maybe this is courtship, right here in my lap, and I should cherish finding some?

But he's short. And he was up front about not being ready to date a recently divorced MILF last winter and admits he's not 100% sure about the whole kids thing but it's not just him being an immature ass. His dad abandoned him and his sisters and he has spent his whole life taking care of his mom and sisters and to this day still takes care of them in many respects, spending a lot of his effort looking after their affairs, because those 4 women have all come to depend on him as the man in their lives, and I think after such a crappy role model he decided as a child that he'd never have a family of his own, so dating a single mom never had any appeal. Fair enough. But he apparently couldn't stay away and reappeared into my life yesterday. The trouble is, he's not my type. He's short, he's a leather-jacket motorcycle kind of guy. He's sporting a beard, he has all kinds of body hair. He's really a manly-man and I'm normally into these tall, beautiful, effeminate, designer-suits and MBA type guys. Or at least some sort of graduate school. Not that this guy is an auto mechanic. He's a computer programmer, actually, and he's very, very intelligent and incredibly intellectual & thoughtful (which I think of as quite different from simple IQ points...the man's brain just is always going in a thousand different tangents, and he's incredibly creative). Interesting.

The Mr. Nice Geek phoned me and said up front that he's not looking for a relationship and to have a nice summer. Fair enough, nice of him to be straight with me and not just ignore my text I had sent him that day.

coyote'smama ----wecome! And your date sounded AWESOME. and HOT. and just....yum. Please keep us constantly and explicitly posted.


churndash---facebook romance is tough. I never know when to initiate conversations so I always do it if I feel like it and dont' worry about coming across as too eager.
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#65 of 244 Old 05-10-2009, 08:23 PM
 
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Butterflymom,

Just go with the flow. Some of the best relationships I've had with men were with guys who 'weren't my type'. Sometimes it just happens. Just go with the flow.

Looking forward to more details in order to get the nerve up to pursue the guy I'm attracted to (head over heels).

Single mama to a 5yo and 8yo

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#66 of 244 Old 05-10-2009, 08:29 PM
 
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Hey Y'all :

Can I just say....mmmm. yeah. :

Not sure what is a UAV these days, but I think y'all get the idea!

I had a nice long day with Jester -- walked up to his house around 11, stayed til 5ish. He is incredibly easy to be with. I like him, I'm attracted to him, seems the feeling is mutual and I don't have any angst about it. It's just nice.

Though, as this year seems to be about love triangles for me...Jester's best friend (like talk on the phone at least 2x a day, hang out a lot etc best friend) is the woman who lives in the other half of the duplex I rent. They have been close friends for about 2 years, and were intimate for several months this fall....

I don't know. I reeeeeeeeeeeeeally don't want to get into something that is going to be messy and end up with anyone with hurt feelings. He is totally honest with her -- actually she called him today, while I was still lying in his bed nekkid, and she asked him if I was there, if we'd slept together...

I think if their friendship is as strong as he says it is, and if their reasons for ending the intimate side of the relationship are true and clear, it will be okay. But I'm curious, to say the least, about how things will play out. When I left his house, he was on his way to meet her to go to a yoga thing they do with friends every Sunday evening. I saw them walking up the hill to his house just a little while ago, so I'll be curious to see if he'll call me later to fill me in on that....

Did I mention that I live in a *small* town!!!!

Butterfly, it is really interesting to think about what types of relationships are the "right" thing. Jester and I talked about it some today, and the idea that we are non-exclusive until we decide otherwise. In theory, I'm okay with that, and like feeling like I can do what I want, but, in reality, I have barely any time to date, let alone date multiple people. So I need to think about how I'd *really* feel if he was actively dating other people.

At the same time, I don't want to be on a train towards co-habiting, for no reason other than that is where the train is going, yk? I'd like to have some time to flirt, date, keep my options open, enjoy feeling like a hot commodity....

It is nice that Geek was direct with you. I heart direct and honest people!!

Funny though, I also feel like the same scenario (love triangle) just keeps playing out in my life, it's just that my role in the triangle keeps changing. I'm hoping there is some life lesson in here for me, somewhere, somehow, that will become clear and tangible, sooner rather than later.
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#67 of 244 Old 05-10-2009, 08:36 PM
 
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Butterflymom,

Just go with the flow. Some of the best relationships I've had with men were with guys who 'weren't my type'. Sometimes it just happens. Just go with the flow.

Looking forward to more details in order to get the nerve up to pursue the guy I'm attracted to (head over heels).
Yup, I agree. Go with it. Letting go of "type" seems to be a good idea. Complications? Was TOTALLY my type. Fat lot of good it did me.

Hollycrand, keep reading, it makes you want to get in on the fun. And y'know, it *is* fun. Did I mention that yet today???

Note to self: 6 months? Waaaaaaay too long to go without!
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#68 of 244 Old 05-10-2009, 10:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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At the same time, I don't want to be on a train towards co-habiting, for no reason other than that is where the train is going, yk? I'd like to have some time to flirt, date, keep my options open, enjoy feeling like a hot commodity....
.
: I love it too. But sometimes, I realize I'm really just a die-hard romantic and love having that special someone in my life to plan surprises for, etc.... and maybe that little ego rush of being a 'hot commodity' and enjoying attention from multiple people is just a pathetic consolation prize that I try to stave away the loneliness with? I dunno, I just know that it's not so simple. I oscillate between being kind of lonely and wishing for something great to fall in my lap to loving the freedom and empowerment of being a desirable single woman.

Ok, the short motorcycle guy isn't THAT short. Like, 5'9" ...but that's never-wear-my-heels short. Darn. But yeah, letting go of type...sounds like it makes sense.... and yeah, sugarmoon, my Vanishing guy in Brussels I still think about every day and he was totally my type. Fat lot of good these 'types' do us, sometimes, huh. Let's forget him/Complications, ok, girlfriend??
And, um, yeah. 6 months waaay too long to go without. But I'm totally suspicious about this whole love triangle situation.... tread with caution!
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#69 of 244 Old 05-11-2009, 02:50 AM
 
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ButterflyMom, that IS a great discussion topic re: what types of relationships are we willing to have at this point in time.

I have to say FWB is the most appealing to me, as I work fulltime, and am studying for my teaching certification in a self-directed program, but mostly because I really ENJOY being the only grownup in the house, and am not looking to cohabitate/codepend any time soon. I guess I just love my alone time after the kids are in bed- I'm greedy for it, and not willing to give it up! That being said, I also really really REALLY miss sex! But there does have to be some element of connectedness with a partner I am intimate with.... I suppose....
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#70 of 244 Old 05-11-2009, 03:39 AM
 
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geez you ladies have very active dating lives.

Nothing much for me on the dating front. I've been off the boards for awhile. I guess I've been wrapped up in this thing called motherhood. :

Still not dating. I was seeing a guy a few months back but at the start of the new year I decided to lay off dating until I met someone worth the time and the hassle. So far, no one. My son's father and I are ok but he's still on that "no title, I'm comfortable how things are" aka "if iwant to be with you I will, if I feel like being with someone else I will". I mean, whatever. At this point, who cares.

The plan was for me to take 2009 off from dating. 5 months into the new year and still no one has asked me on a date. I think I'm doing ok so far. I wish I had friends who knew single guys who they think would like me but nope. Everyone else is so wrapped up in their own relationships that they forget i'm the only single friend now.

Best of luck to you on your dating.
I read some of your post and feel the need to share my experience..... there was a while I was mentally in limbo with my daughter's dad because I did and do care for him, because we had ALL these years together and well because he was/is dd's dad. I needed the time alone/in limbo once I FULLY let go..... I was empowered and could address both the business aspects (legal/financial) with open eyes and I also found myself more free to the possibility of dating. Not saying to rush your process but for me it was a natural process and in my experience it's hard to move forward with one foot still in the door with the ex.

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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#71 of 244 Old 05-11-2009, 03:47 AM
 
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I have a HUGE crush on my dd's DCP. Holy a) conflict of interest and b) I promised myself I would wait at least a year before thinking about dating. Aiyiyi.
I agree with all the others enjoy flirting but I will add to be mindful of her being your child's DCP because it could get complicated and then affect your dd. Still going slow will allow you to see if that is the case. And have fun, flirting is fun!

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I just got mine tonight f(rom Hottie Supreme) and I have no idea if this will pan out into a more-than-just-FWB-type of situation or not, and frankly I don't care. I'm pretty comfortable with either scenario. Either a) he writes me off as an easy piece of ass because we jumped into bed so early-on (and I'll do quite the same with his slut ass, thankyouverymuch) or b) he actually has a brain and notices that I'm the whole package and worth a second look for relationship-potential and then we have something worth posting on the Dating Thread about.


Let's see what happens with me & Hottie Supreme. Hey, if he passes me by because I was willing to get carried away by the sparks and passion (hey, a girl's got needs), then his f#%& loss, ya know? There's pleeeeeeeeeenty of fish in the sea. Even in a tiny little scandinavian sea.
I soooooo know this feeling......... it would be his loss but let's not put it in the area yet!

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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#72 of 244 Old 05-11-2009, 03:57 AM
 
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JustAnotherBrick - Overly Eager is so odd. What a good name for him, I can completely understand why he is being discarded. I like to think there are plenty of fish in the sea!

Jdubbelewe – It sting when we are hurt by our ex’s so much! And that could end up being confusing to your dd so I hope your ex gets his act together. I love when things can work out but only IF they are truly together with the right intention and reasons in place. Trumpeter sounds positive! Friendship being the base could be what you need and maybe in the meantime you can have some mommy toys…?

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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#73 of 244 Old 05-11-2009, 06:45 AM
 
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A bit OT, but what is FWB??

Single mama to a 5yo and 8yo

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#74 of 244 Old 05-11-2009, 07:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Friends With Benefits, darling! And no that's not off-topic AT ALL. Quite the contrary!
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#75 of 244 Old 05-11-2009, 10:14 AM - Thread Starter
 
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ButterflyMom, that IS a great discussion topic re: what types of relationships are we willing to have at this point in time.

I have to say FWB is the most appealing to me, as I work fulltime, and am studying for my teaching certification in a self-directed program, but mostly because I really ENJOY being the only grownup in the house, and am not looking to cohabitate/codepend any time soon. I guess I just love my alone time after the kids are in bed- I'm greedy for it, and not willing to give it up! That being said, I also really really REALLY miss sex! But there does have to be some element of connectedness with a partner I am intimate with.... I suppose....


I wanna jump in there and discuss this formally.

I totally see your point, coyote'smama.... I mean, after a bad relationship, especially, having my home being my own sanctuary, where no other adult that I don't explicitly invite is allowed....that has tons of appeal. It's like getting access to oxygen, finally, after being underwater.

However, cuddling with a man through the night... waking up next to a partner you adore.... is it an actual relationship I long for or an idealized, unrealistic version of a perfect relationship I crave, and I'm doomed for disappointment? I dunno.


I guess I want real, lasting love. The kind several of us on this thread have. emma_goldman with her perma-smile and hotter-and-hotter-after-8-months relationship gives me hope. I want to stop thinking about Vanishing guy and forget the Smoothies and the Mr. Nice Geeks and the (icky) Gentlemens and the Hottie Supremes out there. It's not that casual sex is bad if there's no other options, .... it's just that quality over quantity wins, hands down, every time. It's been awhile since I've had it where it rocks your body and soul on every level, and I miss that. Plus just the friendship/companionship of someone who finds your sense of humor hilarious and whose company you find able to make any dreary or mundane moment of your life delightful.

I gotta stop spouting this romantic bull$hit. I sound cheesey.

Is it possible that those of us who are not feeling like jumping into a relationship just mean we are not willing to comprimise and make sacrifices for a relationship if it's not really the RIGHT guy, but if the guy who really is extremely well suited for us came along, we wouldn't even think of the complications or sacrifices and it would actually seem like every aspect of our lives that he touches is actually improved......? Maybe just the wrong guys are the ones we need to consider ourselves unavailable for....? Am I just thinking WAY too hard about this? There are, after all, real and tangible benefits to being single. But the one that jumps to mind most, for me, is that if the perfect-for-me guy were to come along, I'm available. God I'm pathetic.
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#76 of 244 Old 05-11-2009, 05:45 PM
 
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However, cuddling with a man through the night... waking up next to a partner you adore.... is it an actual relationship I long for or an idealized, unrealistic version of a perfect relationship I crave, and I'm doomed for disappointment? I dunno.
Gosh...I wonder this all the time. I see all these married people around and I just think..."huh...what is going on there?" Is it worth it? How do you even find it? Obviously I've never been married or even close. I often wonder if I have a clue of what a relationship "should" be...I am often disappointed. I want real lasting love too and it sucks to realize how far off that is for me if it ever happens at all.

So my Sat night date went great. We had dinner and talked for a really long time. He mentioned us building a friendship and how he was glad we didn't sleep together. He said "there is something to be said for mystery. NOW says the girl who wants to wait (me) that him acknowledging it out loud is kind of a turn off and I must say that my arousal level went down and his fate was kind of sealed to not getting any for a long time. I know it might sound harsh but I liked it better when I felt more in control of the situation. Anyway, then it was back to his place. We listened to music and had wine. We had a lot of fun. I ended up staying over the the cuddling was great. It is hard for me not too jump into sex and I was almost irritated that is was so off limits. This is uncharted territory for me so I need to relax and realize its OK that he wants to wait too.

For a good date I know I am bitching a lot...maybe i'm pms-ing.

Well for now I am going to mellow out about it and make chicken soup.
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#77 of 244 Old 05-11-2009, 07:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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ferra, I understand. I think the girl likes to feel like the guy is absolutely dying to be as physical with her as she'll allow him to be. Feeling sexually desirable is great. Having him admit to you that he can absolutely control himself with you is sweet but also makes you feel like, "Why can you control yourself? If your'e a man with a healthy libido, aren't I the kind of woman that would just make you insane with desire?" and make you maybe wonder if there is enough sexual chemistry there to equate to adequate passion.

But, stick it out and see where this goes, it sounds promising.
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#78 of 244 Old 05-11-2009, 09:05 PM
 
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Butterflymom: Yes that is exactly how I feel. We both agreed the chemistry was strong on our first date but after what he said (about the mystery) I soooooo lost my mojo and I felt our recent encounter was a little lacking but it was totally me. I was over thinking things and YES I was looking forward to sort of invigorating experience.
And YES it is so fun to be desired physically...which I know I am. Yikes. Maybe he has jumped it bed quickly the past too.

So much for expectations!!!!
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#79 of 244 Old 05-11-2009, 10:13 PM
 
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Okay, here goes. My separation is pretty recent, but I find myself attracted to one of my collegues at work. I always told myself I'd never get involved with someone at work and hardly even know the guy but from what I've seen I really really like. A couple of weekends ago my company moved, and I stayed late to help out (also knowing that this guy would be there too). On Friday night we all had take out at the company, and I leaped up to clean off the table and do the dishes. He followed me behind the fridge to help dry the dishes (which was nice of him) and we talked a bit. Never any subtle flirting, but just a nice gesture here, a nice gesture there. I kept looking at him, then catching him looking at me. Saturday I didn't go, but was there on Sunday (with a new hairstyle). He came up, pulled my hair gently, and then said hi. The entire afternoon nothing really happened, but that evening when the movers left one of the movers asked for my phone number. I had hardly even talked to him. I was pretty embarrassed, and was not interested. I was sitting on the floor pulling labels off of something, and then my colleague came over and held out his hand (whereby I put the labels in his hand). He said he actually just wanted to help me up. Three of us (Myself, colleague and another colleague) went out to dinner later on, and he suggested getting a bottle of wine. The third person doesn't drink, so between the two of us we shared a mediocre bottle of wine from the grocer's across the street. After a few bottles, the other woman with us started talking about how colleague is single (I knew he was single before) blah blah. Then she mentioned about how I needed to start flirting Quebecois style (or something to that extent) and then colleague mentioned that flirting at work is nice but that for something more serious he needs some sort of sign of interest. He was really fun to talk to.
However, the following Tuesday things sort of got complicated with my ex who was making all sorts of threats and complicating things. I went to a work colleague and spilled my whole story. My colleague saw me in her office and immediately went to her and asked her what was wrong. She told him (I gave her permission). Since then, he's laid off a bit and I don't know how to act. A week ago he wore a suit to work, and I told him how great he looked in the suit. He also wore one the next day, but I don't know if it was because of me or because of something or someone else. There's a gorgeous 21 year old (he's 33) intern working with him now and she gets to talk to him all the time. I wish I could.
Now that work has gotten more 'normal', it's hard to do a lot of joking and playing around during work hours. I am also pretty shy and don't know how to play the flirting game - especially after having lived for 15 years in Europe where the game is played differently. I still look a lot (when I have time), but am torn between showing interest and just taking the time to get to know him as a friend. I wonder if both is possible...
He knows pretty much my whole separation saga because of his position at work, which makes me even more shy at showing interest.

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#80 of 244 Old 05-11-2009, 10:29 PM
 
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hmm...what relationship am i looking for right now.

trumpeter, after a little bit of a lull in communications for a week or so, has been hitting me up on g-chat every day, sometimes twice. he invited me to a performance of his on thursday, and we're spending the evening together on friday. he wants to meditate before meeting me, but invited me to join him, and we're going to ride bicycles around the city.

this is where things get tricky.

i am, of course, going to go out with him and hopefully have a wonderful time. i need and deserve it. i really like him, and have since i met him last spring. i thought i wanted just a fun, casual fwb thing, but as i talk to him more frequently, i notice my feelings intensifying, and i sort of have a problem with that, but won't stop myself.

we are both emotionally kind of drained from our previous relationships. i am, admittedly, not even close to being over my husband. he keeps effing with my head and i keep letting him. i am so unhappy right now with my postpartum body (my baby is only 11 weeks old) and feeling super insecure, like, how could he - meaning trumpeter (or anybody for that matter) find me sexually desirable. i feel totally overwhelmed with Real Life and think that i shouldn't even be thinking about dating or getting involved with anyone. my brain tells me this.

but my heart...my poor, wounded heart, just wants to be loved and cherished and cared for. so here i find myself, heart dragging brain along, kicking and screaming, searching for something, but not totally sure what. i too am a hopeless romantic on the inside. i am so textbook gemini - on one hand, i hate the idea of monogamy, i've had a million one-night stands, have totally been the user on more than one occasion, but i also loved identifying as my husband's wife, loved the companionship and friendship that we had, and miss the heck out of him.

i just want to get over my husband and move forward with my life, and i want to enjoy what is happening right now without this undertone of fear and insecurity tethering me.

: single mom extraordinaire, keeper of eew since 02/09
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#81 of 244 Old 05-11-2009, 10:35 PM
 
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I totally see your point, coyote'smama.... I mean, after a bad relationship, especially, having my home being my own sanctuary, where no other adult that I don't explicitly invite is allowed....that has tons of appeal. It's like getting access to oxygen, finally, after being underwater.
Yup, totally. I have a really hard time imagining how anyone could fit into my house/family/life or how I, with all my kids, could move into any man's world, completely. I just can't picture it. I'm not being self defeating, it just seems sort of ridiculous to even consider!

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However, cuddling with a man through the night... waking up next to a partner you adore.... is it an actual relationship I long for or an idealized, unrealistic version of a perfect relationship I crave, and I'm doomed for disappointment? I dunno.
I don't know either. That's the story though, that we grew up with, and the one people with the 'happy' marriages tell. Is it really true, for anyone? I don't know, but god, I hope so.

There were times, in my marriage when I felt this way. We took a vacation (ha, the only one ever!) when my oldest two kids were 2 and 4 months old. I remember lying in bed in the little cottage we rented, being in physical contact with everyone in my family, feeling like I had all I really needed, right there in bed with me. So maybe it is possible to find that feeling again?

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I guess I want real, lasting love. The kind several of us on this thread have. emma_goldman with her perma-smile and hotter-and-hotter-after-8-months relationship gives me hope. I want to stop thinking about Vanishing guy and forget the Smoothies and the Mr. Nice Geeks and the (icky) Gentlemens and the Hottie Supremes out there. It's not that casual sex is bad if there's no other options, .... it's just that quality over quantity wins, hands down, every time. It's been awhile since I've had it where it rocks your body and soul on every level, and I miss that. Plus just the friendship/companionship of someone who finds your sense of humor hilarious and whose company you find able to make any dreary or mundane moment of your life delightful.

I gotta stop spouting this romantic bull$hit. I sound cheesey.
No, you don't sound cheesy. Real love is where it's at. For me, I struggle with wondering if I'll know it when I find it, or will I find it? Will it find me? Do I have to be looking or can I just sit back and wait? And what about the in the meantime guys? If I have an in the meantime thing going on -- Jester is a perfect example of this, he is totally easy to be with, but not likely going to pan out to be my dream or true love, but if I'm "with" him, will I miss the person I shouldn't miss? aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

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Is it possible that those of us who are not feeling like jumping into a relationship just mean we are not willing to comprimise and make sacrifices for a relationship if it's not really the RIGHT guy, but if the guy who really is extremely well suited for us came along, we wouldn't even think of the complications or sacrifices and it would actually seem like every aspect of our lives that he touches is actually improved......? Maybe just the wrong guys are the ones we need to consider ourselves unavailable for....? Am I just thinking WAY too hard about this? There are, after all, real and tangible benefits to being single. But the one that jumps to mind most, for me, is that if the perfect-for-me guy were to come along, I'm available. God I'm pathetic.
No, you're not pathetic. Possibly thinking way to hard, but since I over think *everything* I'm sure I can't tell you! The problem for me is that I'm not sure the guys who make me want to drop everything *are* the right guys. Complications...I'm clearer, lately about his flaws, his fundamental insecurity and relationship issues, secrecy and so on, and the ways that being with him made it hard for me to just totally relax and be me -- the contrast between how I feel with Jester vs with Complications is startling. Complications was exciting, intense, incredible, but I wasn't at ease. yk?

But, I tend to write off things that are easy. I should look at that, I suppose.

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Gosh...I wonder this all the time. I see all these married people around and I just think..."huh...what is going on there?" Is it worth it? How do you even find it? Obviously I've never been married or even close. I often wonder if I have a clue of what a relationship "should" be...I am often disappointed. I want real lasting love too and it sucks to realize how far off that is for me if it ever happens at all.
I don't know if anyone really knows. I'm pretty skeptical of most peoples relationships, these days. I watched *a lot* of "picture perfect" marriages bust up this past year, and hearing about what was really going on inside those stories has me really questioning the whole dern thing.



And...today I ended up feeling pretty angsty about Jester and the bizarre triangle with our neighbor. I had a lot of other stressful things going on today, and just got to feeling like bagging the whole thing. I left him a message asking him to call me, and it is 9:30 and he hasn't. And of course since we're neighbors, I can see that all his lights are on, and I know he can see mine too. But I did talk to my female neighbor, which helped me feel a bit less angsty. She assure me she is totally fine about it. I'm still not sure I believe her, but at least she isn't mad at me -- she is recognizing that whatever internal conflict she may have, it is hers to deal with.

Still, there is a part of me that thinks I should just walk, keep it easy, yk? Then again, now that I woke the beast...

Blah, blah, I *am* wordy tonight. Oh, here's one more:

I'm thinking, hard, about contacting Complications. Long story short, we'd been 'just friends' since early January. I had coffee with his new girlfriend in late march, and she either misinterperted a lot of what I said or outright lied, went back and told him I said a lot of crap I would have only said if I were some kind of immature psycho trying to sabatoge their relationship...he was pretty testy with me, asked me to clarify with her, told me our communications would be over if I didn't clarify with her, I told him I'd be happy to clarify, could see how she could have misinterperted some of what I'd said, but countered about some of the things that were just out right lies, and told him if he really thought so little of me, then our communications were done. I did clarify with her, he sent me a one line email thanking me for doing so and said "I don't think I have anything more to say about this".

And that's been it. But, damn, I miss him. Ironically, right before it all blew up, he had been amazingly supportive and wonderful when I was dealing with a physical assault, state police at my house, a restraining order against my ex, etc etc.

We also had always had the kind of relationship where we constantly called each other out on all the hard stuff.

So what do you gals think? Contact him, or leave it alone? We also live in neighboring towns. I don't know when I'll run into him next, but it will happen, and we have some social overlaps in other ways as well, and I loathe for there to be weirdness, or some sense of unfinished business. Plus, it just plain peeves me off to have not had a chance to be heard out, yk?

oooooooooooookay. I'll shut up now. I wish I could have y'all over for a girls night so we could chatter!:
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#82 of 244 Old 05-12-2009, 05:18 AM
 
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I cant keep up here so wont pretend I can Its great to see the thread so active again - it was laying low for a few weeks there!
Just wanted to add my 2 cents on the whole "is true love possible" - Yes - I believe it is possible. But I dont believe it is possible if you keep insisting on your personal wants and needs. I believe true love takes two people who are willing to compromise on other parts of their life. I think rule number one is to love the other person just as s/he is - and that must go both ways. If a person is not someone you can love - flaws and all - it wont be that ever lasting happy relationship. To expect to find the perfect man IMO doesnt make good odds for true everlasting love - cause when it comes to humans there is no such thing as perfect. We all come with flaws - some big - some small. So I believe a lasting loving relationship requires both people to love the other person - flaws and all and it requires both people to put the relationship first. I believe many of us modern people are raised to believe our own wants and needs always come first but I dont think that attitude helps one live in a relationship as being two is ultimately about seeking what is best for the family - not the individual kwim.
It seems that one of the recurrent themes in the dating thread is that we need to look at "what we want" and if a man doesnt provide that - then on to the next. I personally dont think that is how love works. You cant go about love like its a thing you can buy. And if you love someone maybe you cant have it all your way all the time - and maybe you need to shove that list of wants and needs? Sure I believe that everyone deserves to be treated with respect and that is one thing I dont think you should compromise with. If a man doesnt treat you with respect - on to the next!

For instance my BF is a bit of a workaholic. I know that if I persue a life with him I will have to respect that his work is very importent to him and that he will probably always work 60+ hours a week. I dont think that is great, but I actually do love him - workaholic and all so if I want HIM then I will have to respect that that is just who he is - and I have no right to try and change him kwim? Sure I "could" say "not good enough" and move on to the next - but what issue will he have that doesnt meet my list of demands? I guess you could say I believe in love, but I dont believe in the perfect person or the perfect life.

Just my thoughts on the subject..

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#83 of 244 Old 05-12-2009, 05:28 AM
 
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I cant keep up here so wont pretend I can Its great to see the thread so active again - it was laying low for a few weeks there!
Just wanted to add my 2 cents on the whole "is true love possible" - Yes - I believe it is possible. But I dont believe it is possible if you keep insisting on your personal wants and needs. I believe true love takes two people who are willing to compromise on other parts of their life. I think rule number one is to love the other person just as s/he is - and that must go both ways. If a person is not someone you can love - flaws and all - it wont be that ever lasting happy relationship. To expect to find the perfect man IMO doesnt make good odds for true everlasting love - cause when it comes to humans there is no such thing as perfect. We all come with flaws - some big - some small. So I believe a lasting loving relationship requires both people to love the other person - flaws and all and it requires both people to put the relationship first. I believe many of us modern people are raised to believe our own wants and needs always come first but I dont think that attitude helps one live in a relationship as being two is ultimately about seeking what is best for the family - not the individual kwim.
It seems that one of the recurrent themes in the dating thread is that we need to look at "what we want" and if a man doesnt provide that - then on to the next. I personally dont think that is how love works. You cant go about love like its a thing you can buy. And if you love someone maybe you cant have it all your way all the time - and maybe you need to shove that list of wants and needs? Sure I believe that everyone deserves to be treated with respect and that is one thing I dont think you should compromise with. If a man doesnt treat you with respect - on to the next!

For instance my BF is a bit of a workaholic. I know that if I persue a life with him I will have to respect that his work is very importent to him and that he will probably always work 60+ hours a week. I dont think that is great, but I actually do love him - workaholic and all so if I want HIM then I will have to respect that that is just who he is - and I have no right to try and change him kwim? Sure I "could" say "not good enough" and move on to the next - but what issue will he have that doesnt meet my list of demands? I guess you could say I believe in love, but I dont believe in the perfect person or the perfect life.

Just my thoughts on the subject..

ITA. Great post Seie. By the way - what is the meaning of your username? I always wonder about that....
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#84 of 244 Old 05-12-2009, 08:00 AM
 
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Danishmom: Thanks - about my username - it doesnt really mean anything. Its just some mixed letters from my kids names thats all I had another username before, but after I left ex I changed it so he wouldnt be able to easily find me. I guess if he put his mind into it he could, but I honestly dont think he would bother..

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#85 of 244 Old 05-13-2009, 11:21 PM
 
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ok - so I finally decided to join an online dating place.

Now I feel like an idiot. I haven't been on a date in almost 12 years (holy s*$#). I was never good with the whole dating scene and online is now a whole other dimension.

I need some advice - how do you choose who to respond to? If someone emails you - do you have to send a response back? How long - does the response have to be the same day?

Please help me!
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#86 of 244 Old 05-14-2009, 12:37 AM
 
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Well don't ask me for dating advice. My current situation was pretty much over as it started.

Our last date was Saturday. I stayed the night but we didn't have intercourse but it was really close. I felt a slight fizzle on the date. I was trying to stay open and optimistic. Of course it was only our 2nd date and my therapist says give someone 3 dates before you decide. I texted him a couple days later offering to bring him some soup cause I knew he caught the illness. I didn't think I was coming on too strong since he had been coming on really strong all week. So time went by and he didn't respond to my text (yes, I hate txt-ing even more now).

This evening I contacted him because I was so sick of wondering if he was going to ever get back to me. He said he is having multiple problems such as illness (he got that from me and now I am glad) and his ex is suicidal. He got really mad about me questioning him about why he didn't text back days ago. I can't say that I am sorry. I understand he has a lot going on. It sounds really intense but I am looking for someone who no matter what the situation would give me the common courtesy of some sort of communication as to what is going on. Obviously we are not on the same level. I obviously am looking for something more serious and he has a lot on his plate right now.

Anyway, I tried to offer some comfort and he said he didn't feel like talking. Well I said that made two of us, more along the lines that I was feeling sad. He responded saying that I am a "nice girl" but he doesn't think its going to work out. Wow, a nice girl...he obviously doesn't know me very well

I am sooooooo glad I didn't sleep with him

Well, my ego and heart are a little bruised but I am glad this resolved before I got too emotionally invested. Now I have dating practice...on to the next!
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#87 of 244 Old 05-14-2009, 06:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, my ego and heart are a little bruised but I am glad this resolved before I got too emotionally invested. Now I have dating practice...on to the next!

You're exactly right though....better he show his true colors after the second date than after the 5th or 10th when you would have had more time to get attached and start imagining a future with him in it. But this stings, I know, so hugs for you.

I'd like to point this example out as a stellar example of how guys are sometimes going to spazz out and blow you off and "not call" if you sleep with them or if you don't. I had a date two nights ago where there was tons of fun, but then after some hot kissing, I put my foot on the brakes and insisted we wait. This was a second date, by the way. He admitted later that he gave me mental 'points' for not putting out so soon, but he has not called or texted me back yesterday! If I would have put out I would have thought THAT'S why, because he got what he wanted already. Now that I didn't put out I'm wondering if he thinks I'm frigid/low-libido and not a good match for him in that sense? This is so silly to wonder. I think either he's just not that into you (cute movie,by the way) or then he's calling/communicating/booking-the-next-date.

Or maybe I'm being bitchy because he's with his two small children yesterday and for the rest-of-the-week and he's just super busy being a single dad with them and working? Still, a text can take so little time to send......
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#88 of 244 Old 05-14-2009, 06:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I need some advice - how do you choose who to respond to? If someone emails you - do you have to send a response back? How long - does the response have to be the same day?!
No, of course the response doesn't HAVE to be the same day. Online dating is whatever you make it. If you feel like being proactive and choosing who to contact, and spending some time weeding through profiles, then do it and initiate email contact with those who really interest you. If you feel like weeding through all the people who contact you and responding to those who interest you, do that. You can certainly ignore un-interesting candidates. They won't cry. Just wing it, baby, and have fun!

In my experience, if you have a flattering photo up and your profile is visible, you'll get a veritable mountain of emails that you'll never have time to sift thriough. Putting your profile hidden and only contacting those you want will save time, or just doing the most cursory glance at each person who sends you mail before deleting, and spending most of the time 'scoping' for someone, and choosing the guy, yourself, might work better.

Facebook's "Are You Interested" and "Meet New People" is a crude, rough online dating application, but I think it's effective. You just weed through photos (sometimes blurbs also, usually none) and click 'yes' on those who you might be interested in. If that person also clicks 'yes' on you, then you can initiate contact. It's simplistic but I think it's pretty effective for scoping through a large number of faces to find that one that seems friendly/warm/charming to YOU. I think so, anyway.

Good luck!
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#89 of 244 Old 05-14-2009, 08:54 AM
 
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No, of course the response doesn't HAVE to be the same day. Online dating is whatever you make it. If you feel like being proactive and choosing who to contact, and spending some time weeding through profiles, then do it and initiate email contact with those who really interest you. If you feel like weeding through all the people who contact you and responding to those who interest you, do that. You can certainly ignore un-interesting candidates. They won't cry. Just wing it, baby, and have fun!
Yep, I agree, but also will add, don't be too thin skinned about it. The normal rules of courtesy and manners don't really apply in online dating, at least until there has been an actual person to person exchange.

I had a super bizzarre, funny day yesterday. First, I was in my tiny little general store and Jester's brother came in. I hadn't met him until he stopped by Jester's house when I was there on Sunday. At the store, he came over to me and said "So, Jester got a new car" and I said "Yeah, I heard that". He then said "Jester...He is really impulsive" and I said, again, "Yeah, I heard that too" and smiled and walked away.. At least I make myself laugh. Not sure if that warning was supposed to protect me or Jester but it made me laugh, for sure.

THEN I went into town to deposit a check, and I was driving out from the bank, I noticed a super hot guy walking towards me -- jeans, white t-shirt, sunglasses, scruffy beard, wicked buff.....We locked eyes, and just as I was about to break eye contact, I thought of Butterfly's flirting advice here in this thread, so I didnt' break eye contact, and smiled at him instead and kinda raised my eyebrows at him -- He broke out into a huge smile and I realized...he was .......Complications! Ack! I even drove through the parking lot again to look for his truck (it is pretty distinctive) to make sure I wasn't going crazy, but sure enough, his truck was there...

I mean, COME ON! It is so rare that I see someone who gets my attention like that. And OF COURSE it is him! Just what exactly do you think the universe is trying to tell me with that?

Then later on at home, Scrabble guy called, I hadn't called him back, but when the kids and I were outside after dinner, he stopped by walking his dog, and while we were chatting, Jester drove by and waved.....

Then (I know, it goes on and on!) I got half a dozen emails and winks from my online stuff -- I haven't gotten anything in a long time, so to get a bunch last night, after that day.....:

I don't know. I feel like there is some kind of message in it all, but mostly, it was a pretty fun day, and it made me really happy to see Complications , as pathetic as that probably is. I just feel like there is some kind of long story between us, that is really just still at the beginning. I'm not sure at all how that story will play out, but I think there is more to come. Or maybe it is just wishful thinking. It would reeeeeeeeeally help if he wasn't so damn hot!

Blah, Blah, Blah!

Butterfly, who's the single dad? Someone new?

Ferra, sucks. I'm sorry. Better to find out now though, for sure!
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#90 of 244 Old 05-14-2009, 10:38 AM - Thread Starter
 
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THEN I went into town to deposit a check, and I was driving out from the bank, I noticed a super hot guy walking towards me -- jeans, white t-shirt, sunglasses, scruffy beard, wicked buff.....We locked eyes, and just as I was about to break eye contact, I thought of Butterfly's flirting advice here in this thread, so I didnt' break eye contact, and smiled at him instead and kinda raised my eyebrows at him -- He broke out into a huge smile and I realized...he was .......Complications! Ack! I even drove through the parking lot again to look for his truck (it is pretty distinctive) to make sure I wasn't going crazy, but sure enough, his truck was there...
: : :

I really cackled so loud when I read this, that my neighbors heard. First I was reading along thinking, "awesome, sugarmoon has listened to my advice on putting that vibe out nice and clear for dumbass hottie men to read it, you go girl" and then I read that he was Complications after all and I had this stunned look on my face and started completely dying of hilarity and surprise. That was a good little story there, darling. And a good day, all-in-all, you MILF, you.

If you are imagining that there is a future there between you or not, I dunno. But..... it usually boils down to that cold hard fact that if he isn't pursuing you, he just isn't into you ENOUGH. Not that he's not into you at all, obviously that's not the case between you or between me and Brussels-dork, but just not ENOUGH to make it flippin' work out no matter the obstacles because the chemistry/compatibility/connection is so dang awesome. Hey, those three Cs are really the Holy Grail, aren't they? Can I propose that we add it to our vernacular here on the dating thread? And use it in shorthand, too? It's all about the CCCs baby..... If the CCC is 'on' then you gotta give it your best shot, and hope he doesn't let it slip through his fingers also (or then he's a wimpy, spineless, amoeba). I mean I loved Seie's 'Green Flag'
terminology she added into our dating vernacular, so I think our vocab. around here is due for another update. I propose CCC as part of our private lingo. Who's with me, mamas??? But back to Complications, even if the CCC was 'on' with you guys, if he's not really ready to stand up and stick by your side, does he really have the stick-it-out power that us single moms need for a true partner? Strength and character are a big one. Ooooh, character. A fourth C. I want to add it in. But that's usually the killer one with guys, isn't it? That stick-it-out, stand-by-your-side-when-things-are-tricky type of character. Ugh. Men.

Another one I think we should steal from Dan Savaage and his awesome love advice (SavageLove podcast for free on iTunes every week), is "GGG" which means 'Good, Giving, and Game' but that is pretty strictly to discuss bedroom compatibility and if your partner is really open/communicative/able to work out things so that both people are happy and smiling, which doesn't need so much hashing out here on this thread. Or does it? Would anyone like to step up and dissect their sex life with us here? : Am I the only one who likes juicy girltalk? I'd like to nominate emma_goldman with that stupid smile on her face to be the first one to step up and give a few (not-so-graphic of course) details on why it is that after 8 months things are only getting hotter? What's your guys' secret to keep the flame burning brighter and brighter? Ok, just ignore me, all you I-don't-kiss-and-tell types.

Single dad is new. I won't give him a nickname until I see if it sticks for a third date.

Smoothie I finally texted and asked if we could at least be some sort of friends or something and stay on good terms since we get along quite well and live in the same neighborhood and start to have overlapping friends, etc. He has called me twice at night, the last two nights, while I've been out with other guys so I ignored. Finally he texted and thanked me for my honest email and apologized for being crazy busy and said he wants to talk to me and asked me to call him at my earliest convenience. I called him today but he was still at work and he'll call me later tonight.
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